Not really new here, but it's been a while.
I first posted in 2005 after I asked H to leave. We reconciled, but now I am done.
My kids were little before, now they are both teenagers. I was doing my Master's degree before, now I am doing my EdD.
H and I had a blow up 2 summers ago, and since then, I've been going through the motions. I knew when H moved back into the house in 2007, that things would be hard; and that he was really only coming back because of money.
I don't have much time tonight, I have papers due, but I wanted to get on and find some strength to take control of my life again.
Before I Db'd to save myself and my marriage. This time, it's just for me.
Thanks
Sox
I'm sorry to hear that your "bust" didn't last. I hope the second heartbreak will at least yield peace.
I think I know why it's relevant that your kids are older, but I'm curious why it is central to your update that you've progressed from masters to doctorate. Do you mean to illustrate that your life is progressing except for your marriage?
Best wishes,
a fellow educator
Not sure
Other than that maybe time moves on, but some things don't change? It's almost 7 years later, and reading back over my old posts, it's freaky how I could write almost the same things, but change the ages of my kids and the word Master's for Doctorate.
My H is still controlling, still can't communicate, still doesn't support me the way I need, still can't be relied on to complete a task or keep a promise....
I know that's a vent (I just walked out of the house this morning after a blow up, so things are still a bit fresh). I didn't yell, I didn't say anything, I just let him keep going as I walked out to run errands and hit the library for school.
I'm trying to get papers done and get the nerve to walk in the door and ask him to find a place to live if he hasn't already.
Yes, I think this time there will be peace. I was a mess after the last time- tears, emotional wreck.... this time; not a tear yet.
Red Sox or White Sox?
I'm a Cub's fan so you answer will completely determine how much we communicate on this board!
J/K
Welcome back.. sorry things didn't work out as planned. I DB primarily for myself and it has been life changing.
Red is my color
But when push comes to shove, I'd support the Cubs to get to the world series; although if the Cubs were playing my Sox, they'd have to lose.
Thanks for the support. That's why I'm back.
Hi Soxfan-
I wasn't on the boards when you were on here last, so I'm not caught up on your sitch.
You say that your H is still the same way. Do you feel that you are the same as well or have the changes you've made with previous DBing stuck?
I'm sorry you've found yourself back here, but it sounds like you had a lot of support.
good question DG!
I actually think that most of them have stuck. I don't yell, I don't get angry, I have been less compulsive about a neat house (although that last one has led to many unhappy and stressful times on my part), I don't nag, I don't ask for something more than once....I've encouraged H in his teaching endeavor and helped him with his classwork (despite my beliefs about alternate route to licensure teachers), I have kept quiet when he talked about teaching being easy (which if you knew me- keeping quiet isn't my strong suite).... I have tried to be upbeat, I have tried to include him in events (even though he still says no).....
-Sox
Hi Sox,
I'm going to follow your sitch closely. We are very similar.
1. I grew up in Boston. Huge Sox fan. But now live where the Cubs live (not a Cubs fan tho).
2. I have a 13 year old and a 15 year old. Similar to your childrens ages.
3. I busted my M a year ago. But my W is still the same. Short fuse, frustrated daily, yells constantly at the kids and me. Not warm or understanding.
Wife does not get along well with any of her friends, the girls in the heighborhood, her parents or sister, our kids, she was even fired at work just a month ago.
I am feeling myself drift again emotionally. Trying hard to hold on.
Good luck with your decisions. I envy your strength and confidence. Like you, I feel myself moving away from my wife... And it scares me.
Hoping the best for you.
Hi Sox-
I was just checking in and saw this! I remember you!
You posted some of these things in the 'be irresistible' (sp?) thread, and I wondered if they will help you to take care of yourself.
What is it that makes you laugh so hard you can't stop?
Eddie Izzard- any one of his stand up comedy videos. "Pee your pants" funny
What gives you a giggling fit?
Teaching my Tiny Tots gymnastics classes. They are the funniest cand cutest little guys and girls ((Sidenote - most nights H is at gymnastics --kids-- and gets to see me laughing and giggling it up))
What makes you soooooooo relaxed and peaceful?
An aromatherapy bubble bath, Chopin playing, and a glass of red wine
What puts you in the mood to be very kind?
a smile
What causes you to be patient standing in line?
watching the little kids play around. Sometimes I even make faces at them. (Yes I'm the one at church who makes the children laugh and squeel during the service while their parents are trying to get them to be quiet)
What do you do for yourself that makes you feel so cared for, like you're taking great care of yourself?
Get my hair done, work out everyday at gymnastics, eat yogurt.
What do you do for yourself that makes you happy, like it's ok that no one is around?
This is going to sound really out there--- but mow the lawn, put the laundry away, clean the kitchen and vacuum. (I hadn't mowed a lawn since I was 13!!! It was very fulfilling. I might out grow it, but for now...)
Are these same things true?
I'm thinking you were a WHITESOX fan, is that right (I am too!...mostly because I'm a Reds fan in Chicagoland, which means I can never be a CUBS fan....and my man is a WhiteSox fan).
I'm wishing you well, better than well, actual happiness and joy.
Oops--see its Boston. No matter. Well, not a HUGE matter.
Hang in there.
Hey sg! I was enjoying reading my old threads today as well. Hadn't gotten to this post though. thanks.
Most of those things are still true. Although I am no longer coaching, so that and the workouts would have to change.
I still work 2 jobs though, not just everyday. I teach kids everyday, but I also train teachers in how to teach math to meet the new standards- best practices so to speak.
I also have a lawn service, so no more mowing the lawn- no time with work and school.
I guess I'm even still looking for the same things from H. An emotional connection and support in the way that I need it. It's been 6 years and I'm still waiting- and from his end it's still all my fault. He still so wrapped up in his perception of everything, the cloud has never really lifted, and I guess I'm tired of having to deal with his emotional baggage- we've been married 21 years (including the 3 year sep)..... it's just too tiring.
Michele once told me that even if the guy loves me, he isn't going to do a complete overhaul, that there are things that we can improve and do differently, but that he wasn't going to become a different person and I should really look at what I expect or want.
Now, my man actually DID quite a reversal (after a 4m breakup), but I did some changes myself.
I think we all have a dark side or selfish side to us that just takes us over sometimes.
I get the tired part.
Do you like yoga? That might fit with your gymnastics background. Got money for a spa day?
I love the math thing...I'm a chemist by training, and I'm taking company sponsored Six Sigma, so I'm learning stats. And I get to use Minitab. It's fun. I still have a ways to go. I love that you're teaching folks new ways to teach math--everyone has a different learning style, and I think most people can learn most things, if they use their own style to learn it.
Hang in there--life is good. Very good.
great advice! And I think I have realized these past few years, that I both want and deserve more than H can give. The little stuff just doesn't cut it anymore.
I love yoga. I was going to Bikrim for a while and loved it, but the 90 minutes just got to be too much. Maybe if H moves out I can start back up. There's yoga at the Y near us, but with my kids schedules, I can never get there
-Sox
You do deserve more! (I know you're not holding out, but sometimes, when you do it all for yourself, the spouse comes around)
I took most of my yoga at the Y, greatest instructor, but she has left. I've never taken Bikram, but a couple of my friends have, and G is interested, so I'm thinking about it. Might be too hot for me if I add in the hot flashes.
If you put a towel on the mat, does it slide off when you are changing poses? And are the poses more like vinyasa, or are they slower and steadier?
The poses are 1 minute with time in between. each pose is done twice. And most instructors give you water breaks after so many minutes.
The towel doesn't slide.
I've only done bikrim, so I'm not sure about the comparison. But they are kinda slow and steady.
Ok, I'm gonna try it.
So, Sox--
What do you really want for yourself? You're an exceptional, strong woman, who has a lot going for her. And I know you know how to get a life...because you have one.
What would make your life exceptionally happy?
hmmmmmmmmmm.... exceptionally happy??
being able to be me
if you're going I'll do a drop in class on Tuesday and get back into it. Maybe it will kick start me.
Sox-
There was an oldtimer--older than me... TomM or TOMM -- something like that. I think one of his best posts was used in DB, I don't think it is in DR. It was something like ... real happiness is found in living in accordance with your beliefs ... sort of being true to yourself.
You know for sure I believe in DB, and marriage and relationship...it all has to ring true deep down for those of us who like to live 'deep down'. Not sure I'm saying that right, but we need to be able to be true to who we really are. I think if we can 'really give' to ourselves, be real, we can 'really give to our spouses, kids, others around us.
Anyway, now I have to find the Bikram class. I'm going to look up the schedule now.
Sox-
There was an oldtimer--older than me... TomM or TOMM -- something like that. I think one of his best posts was used in DB, I don't think it is in DR. It was something like ... real happiness is found in living in accordance with your beliefs ... sort of being true to yourself.
You know for sure I believe in DB, and marriage and relationship...it all has to ring true deep down for those of us who like to live 'deep down'. Not sure I'm saying that right, but we need to be able to be true to who we really are. I think if we can 'really give' to ourselves, be real, we can 'really give to our spouses, kids, others around us.
Ain't that the truth!! I keep going back to when I was here last.... when H had me switch counselors, and then he stopped going and never did joint therapy.
He has always had all these hoops to go through, and when I get though one, 3 more pop up.
My legs are getting sore from all this jumping, and now it seems the hoops are rings of fire.
Who I can talk to, how late I'm going to be at work, how I'm supposed to behave....
ugh!!
I echo your 'ugh'.
How were your holidays, Sox?
My holidays were stressful and basically unhappy for me. The only good times were pretty much when I ignored H and just had fun with my kids (even if H was there).
We didn't do anything for our anniversary- didn't even say "happy anniversary" to each other.
I have decided, I'm done. Everyone in the house is walking on eggshells around him, and no one is happy.
He hasn't learned from anything we discussed while we were separated.
- He talked to my boss about me, and still sees nothing wrong with this. Different boss than last time, and this time I have a feeling he was actually trying to use me to gain favor.
- He yells at the kids for the same things he is doing (stuff not put away.... his computer crap is all over the dining room table along with his jackets on the chairs) or for things that are unreasonable and they know better (like washing the pampered chef baking stones.... for 15 years, I've been the only one allowed to wash them so no soap is used and they don't crack)
- he won't listen to the children"s explanations- they're "arguing" (even if they are trying to remind him that mommy said they aren't allowed to ever wash the stones....)
- The computer he has all over the dining room.... school district owned. yup, he's had school property in the house for 3 months, a clear violation and he won't listen to me, even though he's putting my job in danger too (plus it's an ugly mess in the dining room)
- he still can't be on time for anything and can't be trusted to get the kids where they need to be- so it falls to me to either rush, give up something I'm supposed to do, or find a carpool
- He interrupts my dissertation group study sessions and talks to everyone like he's known them for ages, and won't leave so we can get our work done. I know he always shows up to "check on me" to make sure I'm actually studying and not having an affair (which I have never had, he just accuses me of on about every year, year and a half because he's insecure)
- he decided to go back for "leadership" (to be a school principal), but he gets mad when I tell him he won't get hired by the school district as an assistant principal or even a dean since he is only a 2nd year teacher. Apparently it's my fault the district requires experience before you supervise and apparently to him it's a stupid regulation because he managed finances for a corporation before (ya, cuz teacher's, students and parents are the same as an IPO, right??!)
- then he decided he was going to run for state assembly without letting me in on it (but he gets pissed if I stop at the store without letting him know). Still not sure where his head is in all this- he hasn't voted in a single election in about 20 years, he says he'll push his "teacher" status, but as a 2nd year teacher, he won't get that much support from teachers, and wait you say.... I thought he was going back to school to be a principal?? I know right??? Can't do both.... can't even teach and be an assemblyman (in session is 120 days from feb to june- not gonna happen as a teacher!!!)
- oh, and did I mention he can't focus on anything or finish tasks still and still hasn't seen anyone about his ADD?
- Plus, there's a little (but big) incident that happened one night that I don't want to go into, but it was totally inappropriate and I now have pillows down the middle of the bed when we sleep.
So, still not communication, still no support, still no physical support, no emotional support, and no emotional trust.
I'm exhausted and I'm done. The trick is telling in a way that 1) he understands and 2) doesn't start placing blame (although I already know he's going to say I'm having an affair)
Ugh
((Wow, I guess that was all bottled up!!!!))
Still stuck in limbo land. Trying to get papers graded and a paper written.
So many things going on at once, I went and got a calendar for the fridge. Everyone has their own color ( even made a key on the calendar). I filled in everyone's activities for the month- expect H's since I have no clue because he doesn't share anything.
As the kids have something, they write in on the calendar. I check the calendar to see what's going on, and update my phone calendar. The kids check the calendar before scheduling things, and when new things are mentioned. Great system if you ask me. I mean I have 2 teenagers writing their schedules down, and checking mine before they make plans-- so it has to be a good system if they bought into it.
H?? Well, he still asks if D is going to x or y. Really, I got the calendar so I didn't have to be his personal assistant anymore. He asks if I'm teaching (despite it being in conversation and on the calendar), he asks if I have study group... it's on the calendar, it happens every Thursday- EVERY being the important word...
I am honestly at the end of my rope. He can't remember anything anyone tells him, and when we come up with a solution, he can't even look on the calendar as he is getting a drink from the fridge.
( He also has a phone calendar, but doesn't use it.)
I have a meeting for D's 504 plan in the morning, H has been told, it's on the calendar.... I'm not going to remind him. She has had a 504 for 7 years and he hasn't been to one meeting (Not sure he could even tell you what accommodations she gets). Kinda wondering if he will remember he said he wanted to go.
if he doesn't remember, he'll blame me. wahoo. can't wait for that to happen.
Oh well, whatcha gonna do.
Hey SF... that's nuts. Not sure about your whole story, but why did he come back after three years gone? What made you think things would be different?
That's for my own curiosity...
But what about you? What made him think that life with you would be different?
Just wondering. I don't expect to be where you are because I really don't see life with my W would be any different and I can't imagine being the H my W appears to want.
But I wonder... what if we did R...? What would prevent it from being more of the same?
Hi Soxfan,
I'm glad to have read parts of your story; I'll need to catch up more on your previous threads.
I'm sorry that your journey has been going on for years, and it still continues. I think most newbies here, like me, look for 'happy endings'. That is all we want to see, something that will give us hope to be strong and keep going in hopes of saving our M.
While I'm not saying that your story does not have happy ending, but I think it's important for us to see that it's not always going to be a "happily ever after" in terms of the current M, but I do see a happier future for you, even if it doesn't have your H in it.
What I see is a person who has been strong for a long time, made sacrifices, but kept going because, well, the world doesn't stop for our problems. I admire you for your strength and all that you've been through. While I "hear" that you are tired and want to move on, I also "see" that you have grown tremendously. And sometimes time comes when we decide for ourselves that enough is enough.
When you said that you were DBing for yourself, I think that is what everyone needs to say. Yes, we love our spouses and want our M to improve and be a happy one again. But I think that we really do need to focus on ourselves, because that is the only thing we have control of.
Just curious, when your H moved back and your started to R, did you go to MC? In retrospect, what worked and what didn't?
Btw, your calendar system is awesome! It's nice that the kids are fully on board with it, too!
sox! i am happy you're back! well.. you know what i mean.
i love your calendar idea. i live by mine but, i am the only one that updates it. i guess that's what happens when your kids are 2 and 5. wow. these little illiterate monsters make life tough!
what's a 504 plan?
btw.. thank you very much for your advice on the financial talk. it really helped me when everything seemed so murky and unclear.
Hey SF... that's nuts. Not sure about your whole story, but why did he come back after three years gone? What made you think things would be different?
That's for my own curiosity...
But what about you? What made him think that life with you would be different?
Just wondering. I don't expect to be where you are because I really don't see life with my W would be any different and I can't imagine being the H my W appears to want.
But I wonder... what if we did R...? What would prevent it from being more of the same?
He came back basically because he could no longer afford to live on his own and he needed to move back in. I was happy again, and of course closer to the person he fell in love with, so that part is kinda obvious.
As for why I thought he'd be different; I guess I was hopeful. I even knew he hadn't really made changes, that they were only "surface" changes- just the motions he was going through. Call it naive I guess, or rose colored glasses, or dreamland....
I've always been the person to see the best of people (I guess that's why I teach)... I've always wanted believe H would change... I also hate being wrong
Hi Soxfan,
Just curious, when your H moved back and your started to R, did you go to MC? In retrospect, what worked and what didn't?
Btw, your calendar system is awesome! It's nice that the kids are fully on board with it, too!
Thanks for such nice words!!!
MC is a touchy subject. To save you from digging through my threads, here's the readers digest version. I kicked him out, found an IC. Went every week. Asked H to join me. He said no. I kept going, Asked H to join me. He said no. I said- screw it. fine. I kept going. H found another C. Went once. Asked me to go. I talked it over with my IC and here. I went to his. H went.... separately to the same person. This C thought it was nuts, me too, but if H was game we continued. I went again. H went. I went, H never went back. I stopped.
See his control issue??? Ya. It's glaringly obvious when you remove yourself and look back.
Did you ever wonder... that maybe he doesn't remember things is because... you've got his back...?
Any thoughts on how to encourage and support him in managing his own calendar?
I mean... you seem to enjoy it...
My W's like that, BTW. And she complains that she has to make the calendar and keep reminding me, because I won't do it...
And I sit there thinkin'... Yeah, but I don't have to because whether I want to do something or not, she puts my schedule on the calendar and then tells me I'm committed... I don't even have a choice... and then complains when I complain, saying I never want to do anything unless it's convenient for me...
sox! i am happy you're back! well.. you know what i mean.
i love your calendar idea. i live by mine but, i am the only one that updates it. i guess that's what happens when your kids are 2 and 5. wow. these little illiterate monsters make life tough!
what's a 504 plan?
btw.. thank you very much for your advice on the financial talk. it really helped me when everything seemed so murky and unclear.
I totally understand
My kids are 17 and 14, so the calendar works a bit easier for them
A 504 is like an IEP, but it's for a medical condition, not a learning disability. My D has scyoptic nerve sensitivity (also known as Irlen Syndrome). When she reads, her brain can't focus on black letters on white paper... the words actually bounce off the page. She has colored lens glasses, uses an overlay, or has her work photocopied on blue paper. Plus she has other accommodations to account for headaches, eye fatigue, and eye strain.
You're totally welcome on the advice. Glad it could help. After our money talk, I cried for hours. But having everything prepped and planned and written out gave me the strength to talk straight and do what needed to be done.
Did you ever wonder... that maybe he doesn't remember things is because... you've got his back...?
Any thoughts on how to encourage and support him in managing his own calendar?
I mean... you seem to enjoy it...
My W's like that, BTW. And she complains that she has to make the calendar and keep reminding me, because I won't do it...
And I sit there thinkin'... Yeah, but I don't have to because whether I want to do something or not, she puts my schedule on the calendar and then tells me I'm committed... I don't even have a choice... and then complains when I complain, saying I never want to do anything unless it's convenient for me...
Actually, he doesn't remember things because he has ADD (has since childhood) and doesn't take meds.
If I "encourage" him to keep a calendar, I'm nagging.
If I keep reminding him about things, I'm babying him.
If I don't remind him, I'm not communicating and I should have told him- or I'm being vindictive
If I tell him, and tell him, and tell him, I go crazy
Yup, been there; done all that.
and hell, no I don't enjoy it. It's like I have another kid in the house. I have tried using love and logic; let's just say logic didn't work too well
Wow, has it really been 3 months since I posted? Time flies when you're banging you head against the wall.
Nothing new has happened. Still status quo, until I tell H I want a divorce. Yes, I've come to grips and this is what needs to happen.
Here was my night tonight...
H: So are you going to support me in this and vote for me? (remember, he's decided to run for office)
Me: It's a bit late to be asking my opinion isn't it? You've already filed, and gotten donors and gone to political meetings.
H: I did ask you and talk about it.
Me: Uh, no. I came home and at dinner you hung up the phone and announced "I got my first $100 campaign contribution!". That was our discussion.
H: I"ve been talking about this for years
Me: That I realize, however it's been about 8 years with no action. It would have been nice to have had even a small conversation about the impact on the family.
H: No, I remember talking about it, because you said you wouldn't vote for me.
Me: My vote doesn't mean support. I can support you in your endeavor as a spouse, however when I walk into that voting booth, I am a citizen and as such I vote for who I believe holds my best interests at heart- and that choice is between me and the machine. And I said that over a year ago. There was never a time frame or plan of action discussed.
H: So, are you going to support me?
Me: First, I am supporting you. It's your choice, you obviously don't need my permission. Second, I do support you, however you need to know I won't lie. If we are at a function and I am asked a question I will not violate my core beliefs to match your political stance. I won't and I can't. I will not lie about my education beliefs, my religious beliefs, or my political beliefs. We do not agree on most things, so I am letting you know this up front. My career would be blown if I lied or skewed my opinion.
H: You could ask how you can help. If you're waiting for me then that's wrong. ((I know right- that was the kicker for me))
Me: How can I help when I don't even know what the he!! you are doing????
then he tried to throw stuff back in my face, which was a total fail, since 1) he was there in the kitchen when S decided on his trip, 2) we had a huge family meeting when I decided to start my doctorate, 3) H started his master's and there was no meeting or discussion (I didn't even know!) and 4) I decided to apply for a new position and what do ya know- I asked for his and the kids opinions!!!
I am honestly and completely going nuts.
one minute he's saying he values my opinion and my knowledge on things because I'm brilliant (his words), the next he's either ignoring my opinion and the research I spewed from memory or he's not even asking.
Stop the roller coaster, it's time to get off. I'm so scatter brained I can't concentrate on my papers or school work. I was hoping unloading here would help.... not so much as of yet.
Plus side to today? Only 2 days until opening day!!!
Sox
lol...
that conversation had me thinking his ADD kicked... in..... and he...
SQUIRREL!!!
As much as I'd love to tell you to be patient... smile and wave...
I don't know what it's like to live with crazy...
I only know what it is like to NOT live with crazy...
And it's driving me
So let me ask you...
How's the last three months worked for you?
What did you do different?
What did you do the same?
What were the results of doing each?
If you want different, what are your plans to change things up to help change the sitch and maybe your H's behaviours...?
I love that squirrel comment!!! That's my favorite saying:)
Different? Since H and I are both in school, and we're constantly doing papers and working and stuff most of our communication is by text (which works for me since I have a record of what he said)
so, I texted him- "Would you be agreeable to having sex?" then immediately regretted it and sent "If not, it's ok, I understand"
mind you, we haven't had sex since before Christmas (deep issue that I can't go into)
his reply.... (wait for it).... I'd love to but I have lesson plans to do.
gee thanks.
Oh, wait, it gets better. 2 weeks later I was home from work early because my contact had gotten stuck in the top of my eye, torn in half; half stayed for 3 hours before I could get it out, the other half I couldn't find for 9 hours!!! Yes, picture the puffy, red, swollen, crying a river eye (have you guessed where this is going yet??)
H comes in, looks at me and asks (I swear to all that is good)... is the offer from before still on the table?
I do different, I get crazy. I do different, I get the same.
I do the same, I get crazy.
Sox
So sox...
Let me frame this a different way... because I figure since you are still posting here, you are still hopeful that at the very least, you can stay M in some form or way...
What do you feel is missing from your life? If you are aware of one famous self improvement guru's six basic, human needs... what needs do you feel are missing in your life, that you would like to fill?
Also, have you been through the 5LL book?
What is your LL and what do you think your H's LL is?
1 thing missing.....happiness. H is not fun to be around, he's not fun to talk to, he's not even fun to go to the movies with (you know that guy who ignores the cell phone off rule and commenting during a movie??... that's H).
But of the 6, the one that is missing is certainty/comfort... duh, he has ADD. I can't be certain of anything, even things he says he'll do and promises.
My LL is acts of kindness, his is gifts with words of affirmation a close second. We couldn't be more opposite.
Oh, and one other thing I did differently in the past 3 months, I lied about liking the flowers I got for Valentines day. I hate flowers, always have (we've been married 21 years, we didn't even have flower arrangements at the wedding, and we all carried only single roses).
Yes, I said I liked the flowers, and yes I lied. So that's 2 things I did differently!!
I'm not sure I want to stay married.
I've been here a while, I know I get honest answers and support that you don't get from well meaning friends and family.
I came back to work on me, to talk it all out (so to speak) so I don't end up in crazyville through all this.
What happens with my marriage is a non-issue for me. I don't even feel like there is one to lose right now.
Sox
Yeah, I was kinda getting the sense that you are neither here nor there on the M, which is why I asked the other questions...
The reason I brought up the LLs is just so that you can see that perhaps he IS trying to show you love, just not how you would like it. IF you want to bring that romance back into your M, then maybe the LLs are something you might want to look at and work on.
Happiness? Well sure, you know that comes from within....
So what are you doing to BE happy? You sound pretty good, which I'm sure is because you aren't stressing about the M, one way or the other...
But how are you "finding" your happiness?
On certainty/comfort... you have a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back... so you do have a certain level of that...
Is certainty/comfort what your are missing, or is it your personal motivator? That which you consistently seek?
Because there are two ways to look at the 6 human needs. One is by growth through elevation. Meaning that as we achieve one need to a level we are seeking, we move to the next...
So you have certainty and comfort in your environment, so you would next look to variety... how can you introduce variety into your life?
So it sounds like your core, motivating need is certainty/comfrot as you are looking for it from your H? In what way?
This could be important, because he is providing you with variety (both an opposite and one up from consistency)...
So for right now, let's take your H out of the equation. You know that, for the moment, he is not going to provide you with consistency/comfort...
Where are you getting that, in your life? How are you providing that, for yourself?
Ah, happiness. We all know where to find it, we all crave it, and we all search for it.
Before I continue, let me say I am soooo not a fan of that so called "guru". He pulls stuff from you know where.
AND his 6 basic needs are plagiarized from Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs written in 1943...(a requirement for teachers to study in child psychology)
but I will play along nicely
outside my marriage, I am thrilled! I love life, I am fun, outgoing, a ball of laughs. I do cartwheels, flips, handstands, skip (seriously, no lie). I make jokes, I smile.... you get the point.
I get home, and KaaaaaWhamm!!
And I know why, but that's the part I can't change. For example, if H and I were out, and I decided to skip he'd shoot me dirty looks and make a snide comment. Then the next day he'd tell someone I'm no fun anymore; that I used to be chipper and smiley and fun to be around. (yup, crazy train) He (even after being explicitly explained) doesn't see that it's his actions that prevent me from being fun with him- who wants to even start to be fun knowing snide remarks are coming??
(yes, that's a real life experience)
I crave reliability and dependability. I can not stand double standards and not being true to your beliefs.
H can't remember he gave his word, let alone keep it.
H wants it quiet when he's working, but comes in a talks non-stop when I'm writing my papers (and gets huffy when I ask him to leave so I can work)
H doesn't ask me to his work happy hours, but gets pissed if I don't invite him to mine, and he crashes my study group at least once a month as if they are his best friends.
H parks in handicap spaces to "run" into a store
H yells at the kids to pick up their stuff all over the place, but his crap is all over the dining room table.
H really isn't providing me with variety- the stuff he does might vary, but at its core, it's the same thing.
Like the flowers. yes that was variety, but at its core, it was H doing what he wanted and not listening (or remembering me)
I said over and over and over, I didn't want a lap desk for my laptop. I said over and over I needed to pick it out (I have carpel tunnel syndrome) because I needed to check the angle my wrists would be at. H came home with a lap desk. His gift giving goes contrary to listening to my needs. Then he gets pissed if I take it back, and he gets pissed if I don't use it (even though it freakin hurts my wrists to use it)
Are you picturing a rock and a hard place yet, and me spinning in between them?
That's the comfort I crave. I crave to be listened to and HEARD. H doesn't understand that when I say I don't like flowers- I honestly and truly don't like getting flowers; and giving me flowers isn't going to change that, it's actually saying "I do't care what you don't like". When I said I need to pick out a lap desk, it was because I honestly and truly needed to pick out one that wouldn't cause pain, and by buying one for me he was actually saying "I'm not listening to you, it doesn't matter what you said."
Yes I said those same, blunt, exact words to H. our conversation when like this...
H: Would you like a laptop lap desk?
Me: Yes, I've been looking for one. (I even validated!!!)
H: there's one on sale I will get you
Me: Please don't buy it. I need to try them out on my lap before I buy to check the angle of my wrists to make sure it won't cause more pain as I type.
H: I saw it at ---- today. It looks good. It has a padded bottom.
Me: I will go and try it out to see if it hurts my wrists when I type. I have to check the angle it puts my wrists.
H: you can always return it.
Me: I don't have time to make 2 trips to stores. That's a waste of time for me. When I am out, I will check to see if it hurts me.
H came home with the lap desk.
(bang) (bang) (bang)
I get consistency from my work, my schooling and my kids.
Oh, and no D talk last night. I fell asleep before H came in to bed.
First, I totally get what you are saying about the guru. Not my first choice, either. That said, I do see value in the six needs, even if the source is someone else...
We are on the same page...
Funny, so much of what you say about you and your H is familiar to me. While I might have been diagnosed as ADD at some time, I do not have the label, while some of the symptoms exist strongly in me...
Still, I have never been the person you describe as your H's behaviours... More, I see those behaviours in my W...
The "this is what I've decided" conversations and the not remembering promises thing... never mind promises... not remembering conversations, often enough... This isn't new for my W, but it is stronger these past few years, for certain...
I get where you are at and frankly, that is where I was at before bomb drop... I was unhappy in my M... or at least, I wasn't getting my needs met and truely, I was not meeting the needs of my W, either... but I was OK with settling for what I had... until the pressure really started from my W and then she dropped the bomb...
If I didn't feel the need to move out, and nothing changed with my W... I'd probably be in your sitch...
That reminds me... every year I do a back flip to see if I still can... I think I'm due...
I know you say that life outside your M is wonderful... and I get that you are frustrated but continue to expect nothing more from your H and your M...
It still distracts you...
You hope for... you want reliability and dependability from him... I totally understand... my W gave me consistency... and sometimes she gave variety... well, it was planned well in advance, but it was variety... lol... but what I never got, or rather, what I was seeking but didn't get, so I withdrew, was connectedness... a desire from her, to just be with me... to go out, just the two of us... to just spend an evening out, together... no one else... no kids...
Anyhow, I'm still seeking to fill that need right now, but now I am seeking to fill it outside of the M. If I had hope to save the M, it would be in a more benign way. It still is, but I've opened myself to the possibility of "more" than benign...
So where I'm going with that is, I do understand that you are seeking that from your H. But what if that doesn't happen? How can you fill that need, elsewhere?
Or rather, how can you further develop your external life in a way that is gratifying, serving you, and fulfilling your needs, that when you go home to the H, his crazy doesn't affect you?
How can you find a way to stay away from his crazy? Busy yourself in a way that is MORE away from him?
IDK... I'm stretching here...
But you are frustrated with him, it seems... so the answer... the solution... would likely be detaching more so that his craziness really has no bearing on you...
Another possibility is... change yourself in the sitch to change the sitch...
You mention that your H is a grumbly fart when you are trying to have fun around him... and it bothers you... so you join him in his negativity...
I wonder... what if you just said, F it... I'm going to continue to dance around the house in my underwear, while I vacuum the floor and I don't care if he doesn't like it, because that is who I am...
Would you be prepared to do that?
I'd put big bets on... the sitch will change REAL quick if you stop letting his crap affect who you are...
I just want to add my back story if you don't know...
So here I was... when W and I got M, I was an independent consultant. My schedule and my earnings fit well into our R. Her schedule and her earning stability complimented, or rather supported our R and I supplemented. But... I was able to be flexible to the needs of (at the time, D14 and then soon, D9)...
Any time that my W would stress her desire that I get "a real job", that real job interfered with her desire for my flexibility (ie. I had to work weekends, or 12 hour shifts, or graveyard)... so I would go back to independent work...
About five years ago, my W began the job pressure again... So at this point, D9 was 4. This was more of the same and I expected the same results in the past, so I tried to do more by way of independent earnings... but again, this began to interfere with my W's desire to have me at her beck and call... she'd say that I functioned in the family when it was convenient for me... I see things a little different and when she needed me, I'd sacrifice earnings and the loss of customers, in order to conform with her schedule...
So as the pressure built, I finally came across an opportunity that, while it was hard work and did keep me away a lot of hours, I was still able to staff so I was able to maintain some flexibility... in my eyes, it was a happy medium...
It wasn't what she wanted, but rather than do the same thing in response to her requests, I admit I made an executive decision that served a number of mutual goals...
I changed the sitch... and the sitch changed... dramatically...
At that point, that is when my W decided to GAL... and her GAL activities began to... specifically and pointedly, my W let me know... exclude me... to which followed, six months later or so... the bomb drop... and that's when I stood up and noticed and became the behavioural role of the LBS...
What's the point of saying this to you?
Well, the reality was that neither my W and myself were happy. Rather than following the same pattern, I chose to do something different, even as it stayed within the parameters and core of whom I am...
and then... many choices were made... by both my W and myself... that were based on that change I made in our sitch...
The choices and changes that we both made were destructive to our M. We both could have chose to change in constructive, M friendly ways... but that was not the case...
So if you choose to do something different... and I do hope you do, or you too will join crazy... lol... I do hope that the choices that you make, first and foremost serve you... but secondarily... that the choices you make after that fact are M friendly... even if your H may make different choices...
Make sense? Hope that helps...
Oh ya, same page
But, holy crap that's a lot of questions!!
But they can all pretty much be summed up with...
I have detached- that's my specialty. There's no question I continue to do what makes me happy regardless of his reaction.
I have said F it... I've moved passed caring what he thinks about my actions. We went to watch an Irish rock band for St. Paddy's day (and S's birthday), I dance, I sang... he stands there and complains about the cold. And I mean, I dance... I can Irish step, so can S's girlfriend so we had a blast.
I don't join him in the negativity, I know he's going to be a fuddy duddy, but I still skip, dance, have fun. I have cleaned in my undies- no effect. I've slept with pillows between us, no effect. I've slept naked, no effect. It honestly and truly doesn't matter what I do, or change H is still the same.
I do busy myself and avoid his crazy when possible. I work, I have fun with the kids shopping or playing, etc. I am back in school so I spend a ton of time writing my papers and researching for my dissertation. I'll pack the kids off to the library with me. I blare music and sing while I write...
I know I have changed- I guess that's why I'm at the point I am. I've changed so much, that I can't keep going down this road. It has to end.
I do find happiness outside the M (and with the kiddos)- and I'm accused of having affairs. Oh ya, he's a real doozie. I know he stops in on my study groups to make sure I'm really there and not sleeping with someone (despite the fact I have never had an affair, ever; even when we were split)
Oh, we have tried those date nights, just us, no kids.... he talked on his phone most of the night.
I even think I'm to the point where it's not even ILYBINILWY, it's just I want a D and I'll be civil and polite, but we're not even at the friend level anymore, let alone ILY.
Sox
What's the point of saying this to you?
So if you choose to do something different... and I do hope you do, or you too will join crazy... lol... I do hope that the choices that you make, first and foremost serve you... but secondarily... that the choices you make after that fact are M friendly... even if your H may make different choices...
Make sense? Hope that helps...
Thanks. It's funny how they ask for what they want, and when you give it them they still want something different.
H always says he fell in love with my funny, joyful, free spirit and confidence...oh well.
All my previous changes have been marriage friendly- ask for what I want/need, compliment, validate, etc. What am I on, 8 years of this? 9? I've done GAL, last resort, gone dark... I saved my marriage once...
I've been to crazyville, now it's time to leave.
(Ha, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody just came on my iPod)
OMFG, I sooo hear you on the him on the phone thing for date night... ugh... that is SO my W...
OK, yeah... I've always had an open door policy in my house and while my W said that she didn't like it (well, who does, really...) but she too was open door... because if it wasn't actually the door, we'd be in the middle of a deep convo and the phone would ring... I'd ignore it, but she'd take it... then the kids walk in and distract us... then the door would open and friends or family barge in... *sigh*...
and I'll validate you... there is something seriously wrong with your H...
I take laying nekkid in bed as an open invitation... you mentioned before how your H said he was busy with papers and then asking you days later if the offer was still on the table... srsly???!
So... about changing the sitch... are you ready to have an LBS on your case? Not trying to change your mind... I completely understand where you are at. Truly, I'd thought about it before my W bombed me... I was just too afraid of being alone, I think... hiding behind commitment to my vows... all real, but still avoiding a truth... It's possible my W was thinking the same... until the opportunity arose...
What's the plan?
What if he goes through the LBS stuff and then, even actually DBs and becomes a better man that only a fool would leave...?
lying nekkid, a text asking for sex, locking the bedroom door before getting into bed .... all pretty much universal symbols right?
My whole family has an open door policy. No one knocks, we never have. Open the door and holler, then come on in; that's why locks were invented- if we don't want you in, the door is locked.
Honestly, and this is my gut speaking; H won't change as a LBS. He won't be on my case. He didn't change in the 3 years we were separated, I have no reason to even suspect he'd change now.
And one step further.... I guess I'd take the role of the fool, and I'd send my regards to his next wife.
My plan? Well, it's gonna sound like the chicken sh... way out, but H is a control freak. So as a last ditch effort to acknowledge that and validate his control.... my plan is actually to tell him I want a D but since we both have the school year to finish, he can decide on a time frame so he has time to find a place to live and decide what he wants to do. I have the papers all printed out to rough draft the split, then we can get them typed up and filed. However, regardless of his time frame, if nothing happens by the beginning of the next school year, I will do the filing myself and hire someone to pack up his stuff.
I have no problem or fear of being alone, everything is in my name. I have no debt, except my mounting student loans- but hey, they die with me so no stress there, and I think I have an awesome attitude. Last time I was going through this, I was a ball of tears every day and every time I typed. This time, not so much.
lol... yeah... not too sure about that sexting thing... might be a little too new skool...
I get the whole chicken poo thing... I'm all brave talk here, saying I'm OK with filing, yet I hide behind when I'm a little more finacially ready and if there was a romantic interest for me...
That sure sounds WAS familiar...
But emotionally, I really am ready for that game. I'm ready for my W to bring the topic up. 'cause I've asked for D and she declined, opting for a SA that she said she'd never do... and recently, she asks if I'm ready to have the D talk and I say, "sure..." and she doesn't bring it up, again...
I just really do want / need to be a little more financially secure, 'cause I'm sure court will issue child support for her.
But let me ask you... why wait? I read what you posted above... But I don't really see a reason to wait... Except to concede to his time frame...
But that doesn't mean you can't get the paper work done, ready to file...
Or is that what you mean? Tell him you want D, start working on the paper work and then set D filing date based on his time?
'cause maybe he'd be OK with filing within the next couple months...
and you can be done with this and moving on by mid summer...
na, he's running for office remember... he doesn't want a D right now, and I can see how I'd be a "B" from his perspective as in "how could I do this to him now?" if I didn't give the time frame.
I think the chicken part is more with his reaction, than anything else.
I'm kinda conceding that I'll stick it out through the election, but I want all my ducks in a row.
It's been about 8 years, what's a few months?
well... i could always double dog dare you...
Hey, you don't even like his politics, so you sure aren't doing the constituents any favours...
So that's it, then... ???
Hurry up and wait... again... ?
Just sayin'...
Ya, ya I know....
But I also have to consider any retaliation he might take if he indeed does see this as being "done to him" because I don't want him in politics.
I'm a Pisces... I have to see all sides to everything
If I wait, I see it benefiting me in the settlement arena since I make more than he does. I could even get some meaningless sex out of it (I know, I'll give myself a time out later)
Call it purposeful waiting
dare me? I have the paperwork printed and filled out with my stuff... I'd say I'm ready.
Wow sox...me and you are both -
pisces
married for 20 and together 23
husbands acting the same
I filed...tried everything not to but had to...I couldn't take it anymore.
Good luck - hugs!
Luv
hahaha... good luck with the meaningless sex... you might want to try some role playing... tell him you want him to bribe you for a vote...
Me... I'm a Taurus... Point me in a direction, put my head down, and push forward until I can't push any more... thank god for my ADD symptoms...
SQUIRREL!!!
Yeah, true though... what's a few more months... at least you have your sense of humour (and hopefully a few harlequin romances).
Better days ahead!
You crack me up!!
We changed the place of our study group tonight, I walked in to my sisters house (where H and family was) .... His first words were "so where'd you guys meet tonight?" I wish I had someone to say "I told you so" to, so i'll say it here.
. He freakin drove by to see if I was there.
Ah well.
Yes, I have plenty of harlequin romance novels.... The benefit if a Kindle. I've read 5 thus week
VENT!!
I went to the kitchen to see what the plan was for dinner. H said he bought a salad at Sam's Club. Cool, I love chicken salad, this one has hard boiled eggs; yum!!
I start scooping it on to the plate.
Then I stop.... it doesn't look like feta cheese, so I read the bottom label. It's blue cheese.
So, I pack up the salad and ask if anyone wants the salad I put on the plate because I can't eat it, and can't get it to fit back in the container. H says what's wrong. I reply it has blue cheese. H asks what's wrong with blue cheese. I reply (calmly despite being ready to blow). I'm allergic to blue cheese. H replies "I didn't know".
OMFG
Am I expecting too much of a man that I have been married to for 20 years and been with for 24 years to know that I am allergic to blue cheese (along with many other foods)?? Is it really too much for him to know what foods will give me hives, close my throat and send me to the ER??
It's not like it's a new thing or anything. I have never eaten it (well since my first reaction years ago), I don't use blue cheese dressing (even "fake"), refuse anything with it, don't eat anything that even smells like it has it in it... And I always say "no thank you, it has blue cheese" or ask "does it have blue cheese?"
This may just be the straw...
I'd say typical H behavior. Mine only listens to about half what I say and hasn't paid attention to what I do in ages!
Gosh, beginning to wonder why I'm here standing for my M. lol
So I wake up this morning and H's foot is touching mine, then he skootches over and snuggles.
WTF? We've been on opposite sides of the bed for at least 6 months.
Guilt over buying a dinner that could have killed me? Finally getting a clue? Realizing I want a divorce? Horny?
I didn't really respond (as I was still just waking up- I hate waking up), but I didn't pull away or push him away.
Then just now, I'm finishing my application for a new position. They asked for an assessment of the strengths and weakness of the current system. I gave it. If the position is for someone who comes in to IMPROVE and CHANGE the status quo because it's not working, shouldn't the applicant be honest? Do they really want someone to sugarcoat the weaknesses? How effective is that person going to be if they can't even say what needs to be changed and how that should happen?? I wouldn't hire someone who sugarcoated the issues just to not rock a boat that needed rocking (That's why the freakin position is being created!!)
I wasn't mean about the weakness either
But then, I have to remember he's only been teaching for 2 years, and apparently he's a politician.
ugh, then he'll say he supports me.
I give up.
Keep in mind I'm still fairly new here, but whenever my H is nice, I now begin to look at why and what he wants. Luckily for me, H is usually spewing (still) so I don't have to worry about the nice times too much.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is your H could be trying to be nice or trying to get something from you. Only time will tell.
Good luck on the application! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
OK so here was my sh...y day.
Field trip- fun, but blech those us rides make me all queezy and pukey for the rest of the day, plus the headache
Didn't get the position. (whatever, found out about how the selection process went, and oh well.) I'm over it already
Text H, mom, dad, and 2 friends the same thing "I didn't get it
" at noon.
Dad replies (from court): "WTF are they thinking. you've got to be kidding me"
Mom replies (from an environmental meeting): who the He!! did they hire that's more qualified than you?
Friend 1 replies (while teaching): No way, you are freakin kidding me?? I'm so sorry
Friend 2 replies (from a funeral in another state): Oh, baby girl, I'm so sorry!! There's a reason in there somewhere, I know you'll find a positive.
H:............................ no reply ............5 hours go by.... no reply.....6.......7.......7 1/2 he gets home.....
conversation:
H: So when do you think you'll know by? (I swear to all that is good in this world those are his exact words!!!!)
Me: (with a look of "you're serious? on my face) I texted you at noon.
H: OH, that's what that meant.
Me: silence, I'm speechless.
Let's run through the other things in my life I could be referring to that I "Didn't get"
.a car......nope not buying one
.a house..... nope not buying one
.a loan..... nope not applying for one
.my period.... not an issue with no sex for 8 months, and he's snipped
.a book, a dog, a cat, a zebra, dinner, a joke, a cold, a haircut (like he'd even notice), a manicure .... not really fitting the situation here.
OMG, I'm still reeling. H always says "I am here for you, I'm always there when you need me" uh.... not really. Four other people who are not my H knew exactly what I said. They were there for me. (The 2 friends I have know less than a year)
(oh, I'm not upset I didn't get the job, I'm upset at knowing the person they chose didn't really want it)
Here's the latest conversation ...
H: i'll see you tonight, but I might be late if I'm meeting Steve (old friend in town) for drinks
Me: uh huh
H: I'll call u to see if you're done work
Me: why would u need to call me?
H: to see if you're coming, I have to come grab the kids anyway
Me: speechless, no reply came to mind.
?????????????
Am I going crazy or do those sentences not even go together?
Late, school night, bringing kids, see you late but r u coming with ????
Sorry Soxfan, all I can say is WTF!!!!
My husband was playing with his new iPad yesterday he got from work and was trying to hook it up so he could Facetime with the kids when he went overseas and asked me "so what is your phone number again?" Seriously?? I have had this number since 2004 and you ask me what my phone number is?
Seriously have their brains melted???
So, here's an update. It's been a roller coaster; but we're on the up hill right now.
Co-worker and friend got married on Saturday. I took another coworker shopping for new dresses Friday night after work. We had a blast shopping. She found one, I found 3; I had just gotten a check from extra work I did, so I bought all 3!! (yay me) Then I stopped and got new bra's and panties
I came home and showed the dresses, but kept the others a secret. Saturday, I went to work for a bit to catch up, get the car washed and gas up.
I texted H on Saturday. Here's the convo:
Me: what dress should I wear tonight?
H: hmmmmm. not sure. They're all nice
me: well, which one can you imagine taking off me tonight
H: any
H: as long as I get my paper done
(((((ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME??????????))))))) but I refrained from replying until I could come up with something.
H replied first: if i had to pick it would be the light blue one.
I still didn't reply. too stunned I think. I got home, and decided to iron the dress in my new bra and panties- with pearls.
this time H noticed and said something!! Yay, me. I changed dresses once I realized the new dress didn't work with the new bra, and chose another of the new ones. still looked good if I do say so myself.
We went to the wedding, had a good time, and even danced a slow song together. I danced other dances, but not with H ((side note, I can dance..... I mean dance. Pick a dance and I can dance it with style and poise to boot... waltz, swing, Irish 2 step, polka, twist (the "real" twist), square dance, even cha cha slide
.... I grew up dancing- H... not so much)) But we had a good time, and he only talked politics once during the night!! I kept putting my hand on his thigh under the table and while dancing I put my head on his chest.
One the way out to the car after the wedding, I made a comment about him getting his paper done. He said he asked his prof for an extension until Sunday. I made some comment about what we could do with our time.... and a snarky comment about him not telling me he has lesson plans to do, etc. H made a comment about being busy, I replied that we needed to make time or we'd soon run out.
Long story short, it's now monday night, and about to be 3 nights in a row. H interviewed today and will be at a new school next year so we celebrated with a nice wine at dinner and I told H we could celebrate later.
Ya, don't get me started on what will happen if he gets elected..... I've decided it's his decision, and thus his problem if he hasn't thought about that. I can survive very well on my salary no matter what happens with him)
I know not to expect anything, and I'm still not sure what I want and I may even still be leaning toward divorce... but for now, I've decided to take what I can get and enjoy the ride.
which is a good decision since I think I've run out of free or 99 cent romance novels available on the kindle!!!!!
((although did you see the study that found that women who read romance novels got about 3x more sex than those who didn't??))
-Sox
VENT......
Happy freakin Mother's Day to me. Movie starts in 25 min, u haven't bought tickets, we live 20 min away, and u are still in the shower.
And u wonder why I can't stand doing things with u and why nothing is ever fun, and why I am on the verge of being done.
PS I'm not sure which is worse, that u can't notice my hair is 2 inches shorter and in a different style, or that u openly admit u had to ask your son if my is different
this means a lot to you...your haircut and him noticing?
I divorced in 2005 and reconciled and now going through again. I feel what you are going through. By the way, I am Dbing for me, to be a better me, not to try to win her back. I left her.
scared....not so much. My H is actually the one who cares if I notice things... if he cleaned the counter, or vacuumed, or whatever- god forbid I didn't walk over hot coals to thank him 5 different ways til Sunday.
It's the hypocrisy of it all that upsets me to no end. I don't cut my hair or style it for him, I do it for me. He says he notices everything.... yet a major change of my hair goes unnoticed forever.
Here's the kicker.... Friday night, our family conversation went like this...
S17: your banjo private will be here on Sat at 12:00 instead of sunday since it's Mother's day. I have a hair appointment at 1:30, so it can't go over the hour this time.
(S then added that he had art festival on Wed)
D14: you have a cello lesson monday after school, and orchestra audition on Wed at 4:30, I'm leaving work early. No skipping gym, and we'll leave for Fresno on Friday for regionals. And make sure you have a pick up on Thursday since I have study group.
--
we do this every Sunday to make sure everyone's weekly stuff is in my phone and we're all on the same page and there are no last minute "I need to be here" surprises. And we write them on the calendar.
Even knowing I had a hair appointment, he still couldn't notice.
And it's not in my personality to be all "Look at me, look what I did, do you like???" (insert best valley girl tone and flip of the hair) ick. I cringe.
par-
thanks.
we made the movie with 1 minute to spare, H asked if we wanted drinks and popcorn, I said no thanks. He asked, no soda? I said no. He bought me a soda anyway.
Nothing like having your answer totally discounted.
(and of course it happens with more than just this soda)
ok wait.. women who read romance novels get 3x more sex??? but if i'm getting 0.. and i read romance novels. 3x0.. still equals.. zero.
for me!!! lol.
so you made the movie.. did you manage to enjoy it? is your hair normally long? i had my hair recently cut. if i had cut 2 inches off.. you wouldn't be able to tell at all since it was so long. but.. i chopped off a good 6-9 inches i think. plus it's a different colour! H did say it looked really nice. if he hadn't noticed.. i would have not been impressed. what did you end up seeing???
Ya, some study I heard.... apparently it's just for those of us actually having sex before starting to read the smut novel
I did enjoy the movie. We saw The Raven. I'm a huge Poe fan (not to mention the hot hunkie John Cusack)
I went to work on Tuesday and my boss who wasn't in on Monday says "cute hair!!" the first time we cross paths.
I guess it boils down to caring enough to take time to remember or notice something. Like asking how your day went at work. I honestly couldn't care any less, but knowing it makes someone feel upbeat because someone is taking time out to ask and listen.... I ask anyway.
Sometimes I think I could die it blue and he wouldn't even notice.