My original post, now locked:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2180599&page=1My wife had another independent counseling session yesterday morning, which she discussed with me last night. She said they got on the topic of her childhood, and that my wife realized that going back as far as 2nd grade, she's always been "obsessed", for lack of a better word, with being liked by the "right" people, being part of the "right" social group, and the "right" guys. So she would stuff her true feelings, her opinions on things, her thoughts...she would deny any and everything about herself if she thought it conflicted with what the "right" people/guys wanted. The message she internalized growing up was that she wasn't good enough, that all of her validation and self-worth came from external sources...from other people, and that she found herself at the age of 34 incapable of loving herself because she didn't feel worthy of it. Her whole life before me, she said, has just been a string of boyfriends, one after the other with no down-time in between where she focused on herself and her own growth. She's basically been on a constant search to find someone to make her feel a way that, in my opinion, you can only feel when you love yourself. She also said she still has a "voice" that just feeds her all sorts of self-defeating and self-deprecating thoughts all the time, and that she constantly beats herself up for not being able to just get over some of the painful things she experienced as a child and teenager.
I didn't ask her what she thought that meant for me and her, I just listened to what she had to say, and offered a few compassionate remarks where I thought they were appropriate, but I have to say...I would LOVE to know if she had/has any thoughts on what the ramifications of this new self-knowledge are for "us." I'm smart enough not to ask, not to push, pressure, or "temperature check"... but sometimes this way of living is just so tough. So tiring. I'm keeping it all up, all the GALing, 180's, giving her her space... but even then, sometimes the limbo just feels like it's taking its toll on me. I don't show any of it to her...in fact for the past two months she has seen nothing by a positive attitude from me, nothing but kindness and giving, quiet strength and confidence. I'm trying to remind myself that this is BIG stuff for her. It's surprising to me that she's been in therapy for 7 years and it's just now coming up...but at least it is coming up. I guess maybe she can't even be thinking about "us" right now when this is the type of stuff she's dealing with, but from my own selfish perspective, I'm just so exhausted right now. In my lesser moments I feel like telling her that I just can't do it anymore, and she should move out if she's not ready to offer the smallest amount of committment to piecing things between us back together. Granted, I don't actually think that would be a good thing to do, but sometimes this situation just gets to me so much that escape starts to seem like a viable option... I guess maybe that's a taste of what my wife felt like when she told me she wanted a divorce...
Got a nice compliment from my wife today. We were both a little down in the dumps because today was our youngest's first day of school. Working from home 3 days a week, I had gotten used to having the little bug under-foot, and relished the extra time I had gotten to spend with her. So I was a little blue when we got back to the house after dropping her off, but my wife was taking it even harder. The house really did feel kind of empty without the girl bouncing around, and my wifeS teared up quite a few times during the day. Later in the afternoon she told me how glad she was that I had been home with her today, because she wouldn't have wanted to be home alone feeling the way she did. I told her that made me feel really good to know that. Just before she left for work she gave me a hug and thanked me for being there for her today; I just said "you're welcome" and told her the fact that she had been feeling the way she did was just another sign of what an awesome mom she is.
So... it's a far cry from reconciliation and piecing...but I'll take whatever positive interaction I can get...especially since sometimes I feel like a freakin' pariah around here.
Just doing a little...inventory.
The positives:
-My wife is still here...she hasn't made any moves toward a legal separation or divorce.
-We get along great and she still describes me as her best friend.
-She has begun to confront her issues and her contributions to her own unhappiness. She has admitted to me some pretty..."flawed" things about herself that she certainly didn't have to share with me.
-She is open to and accepts my invitations to do things together (i.e., dinner out, Ren Fest for her birthday, trip to the cabin in October).
-She invites me to do things with her (i.e., asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her).
-She showed me a list of things she had been unhappy about in the relationship, and seems open to accepting my efforts to change those things, if not now than at least in the future.
-She says she is not interested in anybody else, and that if any other men were to hit on her she would tell them she's not interested.
-She has acknowledged that if there is one and only one thing I deserve from her right now, it's honesty about her feelings, her intentions, and her plans, and she says she will share them with me.
-She expresses appreciation for things I've been doing for her, and for the changes I've been making for myself. She says the changes she's seen me undergo have inspired her to do some tough work on herself...and that she's simply amazed by the way I've handled myself in the months that followed her dropping the bomb.
The negatives:
-She hasn't made a verbal commitment to staying in or working on the marriage.
-She doesn't say "I love you." (of course neither do I at this point).
-She does not wear her wedding ring.
-Physical contact is extremely limited (she will accept massages from me,
and usually gives me a hug before she leaves for work, but that's it).
-We only have 2 months before we're forced to decide if we're going to buy the house we're currently renting, find some other place to live together, or find places to live separately. I worry that this will force her to make a decision about "us" before she's ready to.
-I believe her whole-heartedly when she says she's not involved with someone else, but I'm less certain that there isn't someone who is pursuing her or waiting in the wings.
-She appears to be in the midst of a full-swing midlife/identity crisis... She seems almost obsessed with returning to a time in her life that most of us learn to or just naturally outgrow. She's very "youth culture" oriented right now...essentially immersing herself in a world more suited to a college kid or someone 10 years her junior...looking at her tumblr page is like walking into a college dorm.
-Her social circle right now consists mainly of people around 10 years younger than her, single, and childless. They don't exactly give what I would call good counsel.
DM,
I just read your orig. story. Like it's been said, it sounds like my story.
I hope it's not too late for you. Keep up the work on yourself. Keep that road paved smoothed to return home. There is always hope.
Thanks for the encouragement, macvspc. I'm trying to remind myself that, right now, it is what it is. The only change to the situation will come through changing myself for the better...changes that quite frankly I needed to make regardless of what happens in my marriage. Changes that may save my marriage, but that will help me not just survive but thrive in the wake of divorce if--god forbid--it comes to that.
One other positive (I think...) for the list:
-My wife has told me she can't imagine not having me in her life and not continuing to have the friendship we have, and that she has feelings for me that are more than "just friends" but that she won't act on them because she doesn't want to give me the "wrong idea" (The wrong idea presumably being that she's decided to stick it out and start piecing things together). She said she hasn't decided she can bring herself to give "us" a chance because there's still too much pain, anger, and resentment...and she's not sure that they will ever subside to the point that they would need to for her to make that decision. But she's also said she doesn't know what she wants at this point, or what the right thing to do is. That appears to leave open the possibility that we can still turn things around. I'll call that a hope, not an expectation.
dearme, I just read your entire sitch and I think you're doing really well. You've made a considerable amount of progress in the past few months. (I realize it may not seem that way when you're living it though.)
Anyway, my situation is similar in that I got the bomb in April, and my H and I also continue to live together with affection, cuddling and time spent together alone and as a family. The difference is that my H will commit to the marriage for a couple weeks (or at least seem to), then start withdrawing and then bomb drop again. Then day after a bomb, he will give some indication of wanting the M again.
That said, I learned a lot from reading your thread. You have successfully detached yourself to a greater degree, and I now think I have a clearer picture of what I need to do in my sitch.
I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but I definitely do see some positives in your situation. Continue DB'ing and GAL'ing and hopefully your W will continue to take notice.
Best of luck.
I agree with endeavour that you're doing really well. Hang in there!
Hey, I really appreciate the comments...especially because lately, I guess in the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling pretty...weak. Not all the time; it comes and goes. But there has been a lot of internal struggle and vacillation. I don't think I've showed any of it...or too much of it at least...on the outside, but sometimes I feel like breaking down and telling my wife that if she's not going to come to decision then she needs to just go ahead go. Ultimately, I don't think doing that would be a good idea...but I almost fantasize about it as being some kind of escape from the uncertainty of the situation. For all the detachment, GALing, 180's...for all the DBing, living this way is hard, because when it comes right down to it, my feelings for my wife are the same as they ever were--to the extent that I know I love her and want to be with her. Living with someone for whom you have those feelings, without having them returned, is a tough situation no matter how you slice it.
I've also been thinking, my wife probably has far more anger toward me than she's ever expressed...and that she might need to express it if there's any chance for us. She's never really given me both barrels, but I know there's enough to justify it. She got angry with me one time with me, when all of this stuff first went down...and I could tell at the time it had more to do with her pain than it did any actual hostility. That was before I found out about all of the things she was really struggling with, and I think about all of that bottled up emotion...with a lot of it being some pretty negative feelings toward me that she's never expressed. I don't know...I guess I'm not the person to be given her any kind of advice in that regard, but there's a part of me that believes she won't be able to move past the anger and resentment unless she's able to express it openly and honestly.
Hey, I really appreciate the comments...especially because lately, I guess in the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling pretty...weak. Not all the time; it comes and goes. But there has been a lot of internal struggle and vacillation. I don't think I've showed any of it...or too much of it at least...on the outside, but sometimes I feel like breaking down and telling my wife that if she's not going to come to decision then she needs to just go ahead go. Ultimately, I don't think doing that would be a good idea...but I almost fantasize about it as being some kind of escape from the uncertainty of the situation. For all the detachment, GALing, 180's...for all the DBing, living this way is hard, because when it comes right down to it, my feelings for my wife are the same as they ever were--to the extent that I know I love her and want to be with her. Living with someone for whom you have those feelings, without having them returned, is a tough situation no matter how you slice it.
I did this. I kicked him out b/c I couldn't stand another minute. He broke up with me and it was months that we were living together (we aren't married) and he was on again off again looking for an apartment - doing it openly. It was VERY VERY hard.
Actually, just you writing this makes me feel better - like I was hard on myself back then for some reason. This was very hard, until one night I told him to leave.
He did, but then called a few hours later and came back (we have a 2 year old and it was hard on her). A week later, I lost it again and told him to leave. This time he did. And it was very hard.
I regretted it, but at the same time, I felt I had a little more power back. It was very hard on D, and so that made things difficult - but if it wasn't for D, I would have thought I did the right thing.
I just still wonder if he was actually going to really leave - his behavior was different from his words (still kinda is).
I just pushed things forward more - b/c that uncertainty - like you said - was killing me.
Still is, but I'm getting more used to it now and more focused on just me (which helps)
Your W sounds a lot like me. Insecure, finding self worth in others, etc.
I think you are doing a very, very good job.
My sense of loss, loneliness, grief, despair... these are things I've learned or am learning to deal with. Uncertainty, on the other hand... that's the demon I really need to learn to sit with.
The anger from my wife repeatedly rears it's ugly head. The way things were between us makes her angry. The fact that I'm changing makes her angry. The fact that I understand and accept her anger makes her angry. The fact that I'm willing to stay here without any commitment or promises from her makes her angry. The fact that I haven't told her she has to leave makes her angry. She told me today that her head believes my changes are real and permanent but that her heart doesn't. It angered her that I was willing to accept that that's where she is right now.
The thing is...she can say she is angry...but she still doesn't really express it. Not in the way I would expect at any rate. She says she still doesn't want to express it...that to do so makes her uncomfortable and anxious, and part of her feels like there isn't any point. My opinion, that I keep to myself, is that that IS the point. She needs to get to a place where expressing anger doesn't make her feel that way...to find a way to express it in a healthy manner.
Anger is that layer of protection. Maybe it would help to think about it that way. She's not ready to show her vulnerable underbelly - but still her issue and nothing you can control except to keep doing what you're doing. It's working. It's getting through. Even if she still is maintaining and hanging onto that protective layer - eventually, if she can really really trust you - it may break down.
Anger is that layer of protection. Maybe it would help to think about it that way.
I think you're right about it being protective...or at the very least, you're right about it being helpful for me to think about it that way.
After telling me this morning how angry she is, and how she still has no idea what she wants, she came to me a little bit later on and gave me a big hug and told me that she really appreciates how supportive of her I'm being while she tries to get her head straight and figure everything out, and then she thanked me for encouraging her to take the day off today so that she could just focus on taking it easy and treating herself with some kindness and compassion.
I suspect my ex might be doing the same - even though he moved out. But he's a guy and so he's not narrating his journey (telling me he's angry etc.) - he's just kind of shut down/moved out.
Trust me, what you're doing is working. But that's not to say it isn't very very very hard to do-
You're doing great.
Just doing a little "inventory" again...forgive any redundancy; it helps me to write things down, even if I've already written it before.
So, a little short of 3 months since the bomb dropped, and here's where we are: My wife has gone from "I'm done and I want a divorce" to "You're my best friend and I can't imagine not having you in my life but I don't know what I want."
I've been a little light on the GAL, but very successful with the 180's...so successful that my wife has been amazed by them, but doesn't believe (yet) that they are permanent.
My wife has acknowledged her own severe codependency, and acknowledges how it contributed a great part of our relationship breakdown. She feels like she needs to work on this codependency before she can make any decision about our marriage. My independent counselor believes her codependency can and should be worked on within the context of our marriage; I'm not sure what my wife's independent counselor thinks about that. When discussing her codependency issues with me one night, I asked my wife if what she was trying to tell me was that she felt she needed to be on her own to figure things out, and she said "No", but she also said she can't quite envision coming to any decision about "us" by the November 1st deadline we have for buying our current rental together. I told her that the November deadline is an "artificial" one to the extent that I'm willing to continue on the way we have been beyond that date, but that unfortunately reality is imposing upon us the need to make a decision about our next living/housing situation. My wife thanked me for all of the support I've been giving her while she tries to "figure things out".
This past Friday was my wife's birthday. I wasn't quite sure how to handle it, but decided to "act as if"...and asked myself "what would I do if things were great between us" and employed a major 180. My wife told me I've always been great with gift-giving, but not so great when it comes to making her feel special. So, Thursday night I baked her a cake, bought her flowers, and got a few carefully chosen items from an antique store for her. Friday morning I let her sleep in while I got the kids up and off to school, let her pamper herself during the day, and then I picked the kids up when school let out. Friday night she had to work, so Saturday we had dinner and drinks at home, and then Sunday I took her to the Ren Fest (and dropped a small fortune). At one point she took me aside and thanked me for turning her birthday into a birthday weekend and for really making her feel special in a way that I never had before.
Here's the type of thing my wife says that drives me nuts...
We were talking about a visit she had with an old guy friend of hers a couple of days ago (not an ex-boyfriend) and she was talking about how she had fallen out of contact with him because when he got married she thought it would bother his wife that he had a friend that was a girl. That's never been an issue for my wife and I; plenty of my close friends are women, and my wife has plenty of friends that are men...some are even ex-boyfriends, and I've never lost a moment of sleep over it. I'd even go so far as to say I'm fine with a little harmless flirtation here and there...my wife is pretty attractive by just about any standard, and as long as it doesn't cross a line I'm ok with the attention she sometimes gets from other men...and occasionally from other women for that matter. My wife, however, leans a little toward the jealous side, so I've always done a good job of reassuring her that she's my one and only and any other women in my life are just friends. So my wife and I are hanging out and talking about that, both of us agreeing that opposite-sex friendships are totally ok, but then my wife mentions that if I were to strike up a new friendship with a woman right now, especially if it was an attractive woman, my wife would need extra reassuring that nothing other than friendship was going on. She half-jokingly said that even if it was a situation where this new female friend and I were hanging out in a group, I would need to be texting my wife to let her know that I love her and telling her where we were and what we were doing. So...kind of an innocuous thing to say I guess...which is why I let it pass without comment (although I did hold up my ring finger to demonstrate the wedding band that still rests there) but considering the circumstances, it really made me think to myself "Really...you're the one who isn't wearing your ring anymore while I still do, you're the one who told me you wanted a divorce and now says you have no idea what you want, who hasn't told me you love me for 3 months, who won't touch me in any way except to give me a hug before you leave for work, who won't see a counselor together or even give the slightest commitment to working on the marriage...but you need reassurance from me?!?!?!"
WTF.
I guess if I had to give myself an attitude adjustment, it would be to say that maybe I should just feel fortunate that my wife would even express the need, no matter how great or small, for reassurances about other women in the first place. I mean...it probably wouldn't be a good sign if she didn't care at all.
The fact that she doesn't wear her ring really gets to me though. Sometimes it makes me feel a little bit like a fool for still wearing mine.
Oh the ring thing is PAINFUL. When W took off her rings, I was crushed. It took me a few weeks to take mine off. I was doing a 180 of sorts b/c she knew how committed i am to the R, so I wanted her to kind of wonder... She's never said a word about my taking my rings off. But she's noticed.
Maybe you could do the same. At the very least, it adds that little touch of....'what if he/she really is moving on...?"
Food for thought
DearMe -- you and I are on such a similar timeline I noticed also!!! We're still newbies on the rollercoaster ride from He!!
I'll be thinking of you today. Take care.
Thanks, In_Shock. I really appreciate that.
I've thought about taking my ring off...but the fact of the matter is, I am still committed to her and the marriage and she knows it, and I'm very wary of doing things just to show her something or make her think something...particularly if it isn't true. If she reaches the point where she reverts to saying she's done, rather than "I don't know", the ring of course will come off just as hers has. Right now though, she's acknowledged she's dealing with bigger things within herself (severe, almost life-long codependency) that have affected our marriage, and she's asked for a certain amount of time (undetermined as it may be) to try to get a handle on that without having to come to a decision about "us" yet. I know it is very important to her for her to be able to feel like she's working on her, at her own pace, and for now I'm willing to wait that out. I don't know for how long I'll be willing to do that...but for now, one day at a time, our marriage and family is still worth it to me, hard as it may be to do. So while I sometimes vacillate over ring on/ring off, the part of me that keeps it on do so because of the aforementioned commitment that she and I both know I still have, and because I don't want to do anything that isn't a genuine expression of how I feel or that might be perceived by her as an attempt by me to send her a message or try to speed up her process.
But I don't know...that's the confusing thing...I can see some merits in both continuing to wear it and in deciding to take it off.
hi dearme,
i am in a similar situation, my w and i were living together platonically until my mother came to visit for 2 weeks. she will be moving back in this saturday, then she will be moving to ohio. I will be pulling for you, good luck!
Gunny
I'm curious as to what all of you LBS do in your moments of weakness when you just feel like throwing in the towel...Particularly interested in what any vets/successful DB'ers have to say on the topic. For all the 180's, GAL, and self-care and self-compassion, the limbo is still rough. Living with someone who is completely emotionally unavailable is rough.
I try to remind myself that no matter how good the fantasy of forcing a resolution may seem, I and my kids are still better off with things as they are now than if I pushed my wife to make a decision before she was ready and ultimately forced her out of the house and into separation.
I've just been wrestling the bitterness demon a lot lately...
The moments of weakness become fewer and shallower as time goes on. I don't say this to minimize your sitch, but it has only been three months since your bomb. The whole process takes *much* longer than we think it will. At this point last year, I was planning that W would do this by Halloween, that by Thanksgiving, etc. A few of those things happened, most didn't, I eventually learned to drop the calendar and let things happen at their own pace.
Take it a day at a time right now. Yes, limbo is hell. You just learn to deal with the heat a little better the longer you go
My wife came home a little tipsy last night from a 10 hour fishing trip/cruise sponsored by her work...ok, more than a little tipsy. I would say quite drunk. The alcohol must have gotten her words and emotions flowing, because we ended up having a pretty intense talk.
She told me that in her last independent counseling sessions, she had come to the conclusion that she knew she wanted to stay together at least until the end of the year, because she had realized that she wants to make this relationship work and she felt like she owed it to herself and me and the kids to give it at least that long to see if the feelings she's missing now would come back. She also said she's very scared that they won't, because there's a large part of her that's just completely emotionally cut off from me.
She mentioned all the stuff she's wrestling with right now, from the codependency and her feeling like she has no idea who she is or who she'll be once she gets the codependency managed, to the simple fact that part of her feels like she'll look like a fool for trashing me to all of her girlfriends and telling everyone she was getting a divorce, and then finding herself considering sticking things out and making an effort at saving the relationship. She also mentioned that she works with a couple of older women who had considered divorce earlier in their marriages, and they decided to stay and now found themselves just as unhappy in their 60's as they were when they were in their 30's, 40's, and 50's. My wife said she's terrified of finding herself in the same position. So she said she couldn't quite go as far as to say she was ready to commit herself to "us" quite yet. Another main factor is she said she's been used to living with a different version of me for 7 and a half years, and so isn't ready to let down her guard and fully believe that all the changes she's seen me make are going to stick. The changes she's seeing though are what's making her reconsider...she just never expected that when she told me she wanted a divorce, I would actually change. I think it's really thrown her for a loop. She said she has built up tons of walls to protect herself, and those walls aren't going to come down easily, but that she hopes that they will come down. While they're still up though, she said they prevent herself from feeling a lot of what she wants to feel toward me. She said the sexual attraction is almost completely absent right now, and that even though she sometimes feels like she wants to be close to and affectionate toward me, there are other times when she's overwhelmed with anger and wants to be as far away from me as possible.
She said that she loves me though (first time she's said it in 3 months), that I'm her babe, and that she doesn't want to lose our friendship or break up our family and that she really just wants us to work. Whether or not we will make it, she said she doesn't know, but she said she really hopes that she can figure her stuff out and that in doing so we can rebuild a better marriage. Part of her is worried, I think, that she's afraid healing her codependency will lead to her figuring out that she doesn't want to be married to anyone, not just me.
So, it was a conversation in which I didn't say too much. Just listened to what she had to say for the most part, although I did tell her I love her when she said it to me, definitely returned the kiss she gave me, and I told her it made me happy that she had decided she wanted to at least give it until the end of the year to see what would happen. This morning when we got up, I told her that I appreciated how honest with me she had been the night before, and I've left it at that.
I feel like I'm at a crucial juncture right now...like now more than ever I need to keep up the 180's (doing a good job there), but also step up the GAL. I've been doing a good job sticking to exercising/working out...but I think I need something to keep me busy when we're here in the house together. Something that will either get me out of the house, or give me something to do here at home other than hanging out with her...an in-house hobby. Hanging out with her is great, and I think it's nothing but a good sign that we do hang out...but I should have something else...and I think she needs to see that I have something else.
Today my wife said she hopes that, if she continues to work on the things she needs to and that if I continue with my changes, the two people who will emerge from those processes will be capable of spending the rest of their lives together.
I think that just about sums up our situation right now.
dear me,
glad to hear of the turn for the positive, good luck
Thanks gunny. There's a big question mark hanging over my wife's head regarding who she'll be and how she'll be when she starts getting a handle on the codependency... I think she's afraid she'll discover either she never loved me the way a spouse is supposed to, or that she just doesn't want to be married/in a relationship at all, but where we are now is definitely positive movement away from "I'm done and want a divorce", so... steady as she goes. I think we're moving in the right direction no matter what.
DM,
Sounds like you are. I would give anything to have my w say these things. She has pretty much told me that she loved me, doesnt love me anymore, is very sorry she is hurting me, but must move on in six weeks. I am sick to death about it, but I know I must accept it and move on. Please keep me updated on your sitch, I have good feelings about it.
Gunny
Did a little backsliding yesterday. My wife brought up something she was unhappy about, and instead of just listening/validating I really felt compelled to defend myself a little bit. Couldn't resist. I feel like I've been superhuman in my ability to just shut up and listen, but every now and then she'll say something and I'll feel like "Hmmm...this really demands a response." She clearly didn't like it...but later on ultimately admitted that's it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic to expect that I'm never going to have anything to say in response or will always bite my tongue. So, ultimately it doesn't seem like it ended up being to big of a transgression.
Another good sign, I think: She mentioned that she had been thinking a lot about her wedding ring, and whether or not she should put it back on, and came to the conclusion that she's feeling more and more like she wants to start wearing it again, but that she wants to get a new/different ring to symbolize that we would be starting a "new" marriage. I can live with that. I told her whenever she felt comfortable and was ready, I would like to see the rings she's been looking at.
We've also been given an opportunity to rent our house for another year since I wasn't able to tell the owner if we were prepared to buy it yet (she's kind of getting the idea of what's been going on with my wife and me). I told my wife I intended to renew the lease no matter what, and my wife said she wanted to as well. Later, she told me that in case I was too dense to figure it out, the fact that she was willing to renew the lease with me was a big sign that she was feeling better about our ability to turn things around.
I don't know if we're "piecing" yet... In fact, despite the good signs and positive movement, I feel like we might be in a very precarious place. My wife has said some great things--that she wants to renew our lease together, and has been thinking about putting her ring back on and getting a new one to symbolize a new beginning. But there's still a lot missing from our relationship right now. The physical affection is almost nil...and I don't just mean the absence of sex. We hug, but there is no kissing. She readily accepts and often asks for massages, but doesn't return the favor. And we don't tell each other "I love you" still (I, of course, am waiting for her to start saying it again before I do). This is in stark contrast to how things were right up until she dropped the bomb. Our relationship was filled with touching, kissing, physical affection both sexual and non-sexual, and we said "I love you" at least once a day. I need to see these things return at least in some small measure, not necessarily as much as before, before I start getting confident that things are heading toward stable ground. I try to remind myself that even with the positive movement, she is probably still dealing with a lot of latent anger and resentment. Those walls are still up. I'm wondering if and kind of assuming that my best tact is to continue letting her come to me. No pressure from me for her to move any faster than she's ready to or show me any more affection than she's prepared to...
Found a new GAL activity this weekend though (really trying to stick to the GAL now and in the future). I took the kids to the local swim center/indoor pool, and 45 minutes of swimming laps really did my mind and body good. Think I'm going to try to work that in at least once a week to round out my exercise regimen.
Do you want to screw this up?
Then start feeling like she owes you some affection for your to start feeling like you are back on stable ground. Believe me it's an easy trap to get into. You have to remind yourself every day.
Instead of looking at what is missing - the kissing,ML, the ILYs.
Focus on what she is saying. Are you listening?
The physical affection is important. But maybe not right now. It will come and you want your W to genuinely feel like she wants to.
Don't take the fact that she is not doing those as signs of anything.
Do you want to screw this up?
Then start feeling like she owes you some affection for your to start feeling like you are back on stable ground. Believe me it's an easy trap to get into. You have to remind yourself every day.
Instead of looking at what is missing - the kissing,ML, the ILYs.
Focus on what she is saying. Are you listening?
The physical affection is important. But maybe not right now. It will come and you want your W to genuinely feel like she wants to.
Don't take the fact that she is not doing those as signs of anything.
Hey... thanks for the reality check. Sincerely appreciate it.
Look you are in a great spot. The future is still unwritten for you, but things look positive.
You have made a lot of progress in a few short months. I think you have the type of personality to continue these changes.
I just wanted to give you a friendly warning about the affection piece. I believe they say it is usually the last to happen in these situations.
You just have to be careful about how you deal with. It will seem frustrating at times, but you can not let it come out to your W.
I think you are doing great, actually.
Thanks Harrier. I appreciate the encouragement. Consider the warning well-heeded.
Wife has been pretty sick for the past 3 or 4 days. It's given me a good opportunity to take care of her, take care of the kids, and take care of the house on my own, all with a smile on my face and in good spirits. While I was making dinner last night, my wife brought up the things she'd like to do around the house in the coming months and then said "By the way, I want you to know I'm feeling really good about the decision to stay together and renew the lease for another year. Buying the place would be even better..."
Steps in the right direction.
I love to hear things like that = not the sickness, lol, but the last part of the update!
Keep your cool. Remember, like others have said -- don't scare her. It's like fishing
Well...maybe the Powers That Be decided I was a little to glib about getting to play hero while my wife was sick. Thursday night I got a call from her boss saying she had collapsed and passed out at work and was taken to the hospital via ambulance. After 24 hours in the ER she was admitted to the hospital with a nasty case of pneumonia. She's finally home now, but that was kind of a scary experience.
Since I'm looking for the silver lining, while in the ER my wife thanked me for being there for her and told me she loved me. Since being discharged from the hospital and returning home I've been getting a lot of affection from her, and last night she told me that she told her mom, sister, and best friend that things really seem to be turning around for us. She also called me at work this morning to tell me she missed and loved me and that she thinks she's found the new wedding ring she wants.
This is all great news of course (minus the pneumonia obviously!), but I think what I need to bear in mind is that DB'ing is just as--if not more--imporant now that things are improving than it was when things were spiraling down the toilet. Definitely don't want to end up in a place where divorce seems inevitable ever again.
Well, with the help of the DB/DR books, this website/forum and the people kind enough to post and comment, and the advice of my father-in-law, I think I've come d@mn close to saving my marriage. I'm not dumb enough to think I can now rest on my laurels, but things are going well, my wife tells me she loves me and that if things continue the way they have been recently than we can make this marriage work.
Just wanted to post to let people know that there is hope. Not every marriage can be salvaged, but for the ones in which it isn't too late, DB'ing works. My best advice is to back off, focus on you and being the best person you can be, and let your spouse know that as much as you disagree with their decision to leave, you will be ok if they decide to go. Someone who has told you they're done and want out of the marriage doesn't want you to beg them to stay or trying to control what they do. In fact, one of the few things that might make them reconsider their decision is seeing you be strong enough to survive and thrive without them. Back off. Let them do what they're going to do. If you're at the point where you're here on this forum, then you're also at the point where the only thing that's probably going to save your marriage is taking the focus off your spouse, off of your marriage, and working on you.
Be a person that only a fool would leave.
Be healthy, be strong, be confident, be pleasant, be calm.
Fake it 'til you make it if you have to.
Good job dearme. It gives us some hope that we can make it. keep DBing and hang in there
Dearme,
Just read through your story. Any update? Hoping things are improving!
Hey Ben, just saw this. I'm happy to report that, overall, things have been good and steadily improving. We've hit some small bumps in the road here and there, but nothing compared to the massive potholes we were dealing with before.
I've come to see that DB'ing is really an ongoing endeavor for maintaining a marriage, not just stopping an imminent divorce. We also both attend individual counseling at least twice a month, which has been a big help. On my wife's part, she's gotten much better at expressing herself and in admitting the role she played in some of our problems. And I've become a much better listener and much more inclined to work on my own shortcomings without becoming so defensive about them.
Not to sound too corny, but it's one of those things where I've realized it's about the journey/process, not the destination/end result. And I'll tell you this, now every time my wife tells me she loves me, I privately feel like a hero...to her, to my kids, and to myself. I sure don't take it for granted anymore. I wish the same for every person on this forum. Not every marriage can be saved, but I think with time every person here can come out their own situation a stronger, healthier, more secure individual. I think, ultimately, that's what DB'ing is all about.