What if you change your mind?

[Ihavehope]

It hit me in the car. I realized that when i first came to this site, I was devastated because my H was done. I wanted it to work. 

But what do you do when you realize it was the idea of them? Their former self? The one who you fell for? The one who would never have hurt you like this? Do the things they are doing? What do you do when you have to ask.... Could I ever REALLY forgive? 

We are no where near an R. I'm honest about that. But now I realize... Even if he were to come to me tomorrow and say he wanted me back.... I don't think i could, or would. Not after the pain. Had he come to me months ago, maybe. But not with how he has acted and who he has become. I don't LIKE this person. I don't love this person. I DON'T want it to work anymore. 

What do I do with this? Is this part of the process? It feels so foreign to me. I spent so much time mourning the loss of my marriage it feels weird to be here. I wasn't mourning the loss of HIM. What am I really fighting for?

[Coach]

Is this part of the process? It feels so foreign to me.

Yes and it is unsettling. It's because you are starting to recognise the hurt you have been dealt. It's OK to feel that way. Just don't get stuck in a negative place or let it turn you bitter and angry beyond what is healthy.

[40andsadintexas]

Been there done that and still don't have any answers. Since we are both there maybe it is part of it, if not it's still a wild roller coaster ride.

[Serenity13]

((((Hope))))

What am I really fighting for?

Only you can answer this question....

It isn't something that anyone here can answer for you.

It took me months before I got to this place and I was stunned when I woke up one day feeling this exact way, however deep down, I think I knew my H would never do the work to repair the damage that had been done.

He would never be that person I knew ever again, however on this journey I have realized I will never be that woman again and I am extremely happy with that realization.

19 months later and he is still waffling on everything and still tells me he loves me yet lives with the OW.

He has done nothing to move forward and is content to continue to live like this for who knows how long...

I realize as each day passes, I grow a little more stronger, a little more worthwhile and a little more forgiving towards him and her.

Doesn't mean I want him back though, because quite frankly, I will never be that woman again and I am just fine without him.

I wish them well and I hope he is happy with the choices he has made...

I will never allow a man to rule over me again, to control me nor place my happiness in his hands...

Those are the gifts I got back in this journey and I refuse to give them up again.

((((Hugs))))

[Ihavehope]

Is this part of the process? It feels so foreign to me.

Just don't get stuck in a negative place or let it turn you bitter and angry beyond what is healthy.

How? How do I do that? All I can think of is how I want him gone and out of my life as much as possible. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to see him leave every night and remind me of the pain over and over. I just want to wake up a year from now and have it be over. How do i get there? How can I escape? I focus on myself as much as I can but it's a slap in the face every few days. I just want it to be over.

[hbm]

I have felt the same way as you describe, but then a couple days later I feel differently. It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions so hang in there. You might feel differently tomorrow, a week from now, month from now, etc..

It is probably especially hard for you because you are still living together and having that constant reminder of rejection in your face. If my H was still living with me I know I would have a much harder time moving on. It might get easier once you separate and have some time apart to clear your head.

[Ihavehope]

I think part of my issue is he is so entrenched in this new lifestyle, and has no regard to the pain he's causing me and our family. If he showed remorse at all maybe I could forgive. But it keeps going.  On and on. He is someone I don't know. And what stinks is I KNOW one day he will regret it all and be remorseful. But I wanted that now, in one swoop of emotion. There are pieces. He comes back in bits. But I turn around and there he is, still doing the negative behavior, and I am reminded all over again. I don't know how to handle it. When we are fine everything is good. But i feel like maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. But I don't know that I'm willing to wait anymore. How patent can I be? Yes It has only been a month since he dropped the bomb, but it's been 4-5 months since he started the pain. I've been in agonizing pain for months. I can't do it anymore. But I don't know that I'll feel better when he is gone either. I just don't know anything. 

[dad1b1g]

How? How do I do that? All I can think of is how I want him gone and out of my life as much as possible. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to see him leave every night and remind me of the pain over and over. I just want to wake up a year from now and have it be over. How do i get there? How can I escape? I focus on myself as much as I can but it's a slap in the face every few days. I just want it to be over.

I've found myself feeling this same way since last weekend. Esp the "want them out of your life (W in my case). It took several days before I realized what I was feeling since it was so different from last week. I'm thinking it is acceptance of the sitch and the future, it may have alot to do with GAL as well.

One thing I am sure of, there is a day coming that I won't feel it for some reason and will revert back. That is how it's been so far so I am prepared for it.

[Faith2010]

Hope- I am so sorry you find yourself here. I have been exactly where you are. There are times I look back and wonder how I survived. But when I really think about it, I find my answer. God. I don't know what your beliefs are but for me, I handed my burdens to Him.

I think of this past year and a half as a roller coaster; one I would have rather avoided. I remember the pain was unbearable. That's when I turned to the boards and to my beliefs.

There is no real understanding of your H's behavior. Mine was the same. One minute he would tell me how sorry he was, asking if I would ever take him back. The next minute he turned back into the alien I did not know, like or love.

I vividly remember the day he called to tell me he was leaving. I lost it. I knew it was coming, in fact I told him if he could not stop contact with OW then he needed to move out. Even with that said it hit me like a ton of bricks when it actually happened. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn't. My point is not to scare you but to tell you it's now a year later and H moving out was the best thing for both of us.

You will get thru this. It may not seem like it today, tomorrow, or the next day but you will. And in the end you will be a much stronger woman. I know I am and I'm d@mn proud of myself.

[Ihavehope]

Do you know what scares me though? That he's just using 'splitting' as an excuse to go out and do whatever he wants for a while, so that when he's bored with that he can come back. That is the thought that is sticking with me. That this is his chance to be selfish without hearing about it from me, with the intentions of trying to 'fix' it when he's done. And I think that even if that isn't his intention, if he ever DID come back I would think that and resent him even more. 

How do you forgive the hurt when they have NO remorse during the process? He has absolutely no issue about hurting me at all. Why would I think he would be sorry in the future? Other than just being done with THAT life and lonely and bored. 

I don't know if I'm making sense, but though i don't know the person he is now, I do think in the future he will regret this and try to come back, when he comes back to the person he truly os  Maybe it's wishful thinking but i don't know. I really do think he will regret it one day. The spiteful part of me hopes he does so I can reject him, as i have been rejected for so long. But is that really what I want? If he is the old guy I married I DO want to be with him. But I do not know if I can forgive the alien he is now. 

Granted this may never actually be an issue. But just the other day, I said something that really made him laugh. The next morning he was telling me about how he told his friend the same story. And she said 'i can see why you two got married, that is something you would find hysterical! You two have the same sense of humor'. 

1. Why did he tell me that? To me it is a little piece of him coming back. It's a positive about 'us' which he not only mentioned, but someone else noticed. He hasn't mentioned anything positive about 'us' in a long long time. 

2. What in the world was the purpose of telling me that? To hurt me? For zero reason, just a story? He brought it up completely, it wasn't an added piece to an ongoing conversation or anything. Why why why? This is the stuff that confuses me greatly. Am I reading too much into it? I don't know. 

[Faith2010]

Do you know what scares me though? That he's just using 'splitting' as an excuse to go out and do whatever he wants for a while, so that when he's bored with that he can come back. That is the thought that is sticking with me. That this is his chance to be selfish without hearing about it from me, with the intentions of trying to 'fix' it when he's done. And I think that even if that isn't his intention, if he ever DID come back I would think that and resent him even more. 

How do you forgive the hurt when they have NO remorse during the process? He has absolutely no issue about hurting me at all. Why would I think he would be sorry in the future? Other than just being done with THAT life and lonely and bored. 


I don't know if I'm making sense, but though i don't know the person he is now, I do think in the future he will regret this and try to come back, when he comes back to the person he truly os  Maybe it's wishful thinking but i don't know. I really do think he will regret it one day. The spiteful part of me hopes he does so I can reject him, as i have been rejected for so long. But is that really what I want? If he is the old guy I married I DO want to be with him. But I do not know if I can forgive the alien he is now. 

This is where working on yourself and GALing comes in. I know it's hard not to focus on the hurt he is causing you and the what ifs. You need to work on you. I can't stress how important this is. With me, I had gotten to a point where I realized I could live without him...and be whole. I don't know how H came out of his fog but he did and just in the nick of time. Much longer and I don't think I would have taken him back. Whether deep down or subconsciously he sensed me moving on, I don't know.

Forgiving H, that's hard. To this day he can't explain why he did what he did. He tells me it was like he was a different person, one who didn't know how to think rationally. I don't believe he ever intentionally tried to hurt me or our S. It was just a consequence of his idiotic behavior.

1. Why did he tell me that?

2. What in the world was the purpose of telling me that? To hurt me? For zero reason, just a story? He brought it up completely, it wasn't an added piece to an ongoing conversation or anything. Why why why? This is the stuff that confuses me greatly. Am I reading too much into it? I don't know. 

I don't know the answer but my gut tells me you shouldn't dwell on it. Much of what he does is confusing and will continue to be. If you continue trying to come of with a reason why you are going to drive yourself crazy. It's not worth it. I doubt he knows why he told you.

[Ihavehope]

Im truly of the mind that he is done, and nothing I can do will change it. I want him gone so badly I can't stand it. It is to avoid the pain. He wants to be gone because living here is awkward and he wants to 'live his life'. His mother has asked him if he wa 'absolutely sure' and he says yes. Everything is just so... Wrong. How do you truly know when THEY are done? I do know, even when I'm emotional and mad, if he were to be truly ready to work, I would give it a shot. But how many times has someone been convinced that their spouse is done only to have them come back? There is no back and forth with him. No matter what happens or what I do or say he never expresses doubt at all. He is so focused on being over he doesn't stop to say 'is this the right choice'.

If they say they are 100% done, with no back and forth.... Is there even any hope? Do I just let my marriage go forever? Am I going to look back an what if myself to death?

[john28]

If they say they are 100% done, with no back and forth.... Is there even any hope? Do I just let my marriage go forever? Am I going to look back an what if myself to death?

Don't believe anything that they say, and only half of what they do.

My W told me at 10:00am one day there was never a chance in hell we'd ever be together again, and she'd never ever want to be married to me ever again. I begged and pleaded her not to "write me off". She said she had, and had decided it a while back that there was no coming back to me, ever.

Four hours later, we were talking about working on ourselves so we could maybe give it a go again. She said there is so much history with us it would be good if we could get there.

Four hours after that we ML for the first time in 4 months.

Seriously, there is always hope. But only if you GAL first. You can't hang onto every single thread of hope, it will destroy you.

[Ihavehope]

He just texted me 'hey. I just wanted to say I miss talking to you about regular stuff' and I said 'i miss it too. I miss my friend'. And he said 'anyway, that was all. Have a good night. And we should definitely play (an online game) together'. (we actually met on a game, years ago...) It feel like he is reaching out and wants to reconnect in a way but I HATE that I see hope in everything. I don't want to feel hopeful then get it thrown down on the ground.

I do know the only way to even try to get him back is to reconnect, and what better way then doing an activity that facilitated us getting together in the first place? I don't know. This is the stuff that drives me crazy. And the reason I love him. When we are friendly it's so nice. Our friendship right now is better than our marriage has been in a long time. Then I get stupid and hurt and say things I shouldn't and read too much into everything.

So, now I ask... His birthday is coming up. Do I get him the game he wants to play with me? Or do I let him prove he wants to and make him buy it himself?

[hbm]

What are you doing to GAL? At this point, you need to focus on yourself. Right now is great time to start because you are still living together and it will be easier for him to notice/see changes.

I would stop all pursueing behavior.

I would not get him any gift for his birthday as that can be perceived as pursueing. Have you read the book Divorce Busting yet?

[Ihavehope]

I've read it. I have been GALing my butt off. I was a homebody but I've been going out, having friends and fun, and am talking about rejoinig a kickboxing class (did it years ago and loved it). Its only since then that I have even gotten the friendship thing going. I'm not pursuing him, but I am trying to be his friend. That was how I got him to fall in love with me in the first place. I was his friend. I didn't pursue. I got him to open himself to me, and he fell in love with me for it. It was something no one else had ever done, or has done since. I figure since he is the one bringing it up (and he has, several times, I have not brought it up once [my reply to that was 'we shall see']) that is HIS subtle try at reconnecting with me. But I don't want him to think I'm pursuing him, especially now that he has made it clear he wants to just TALK to me again, without having to talk to me about 'us' and our situation. I do fairly well for a while then backslide, but never too far.

How do i find the balance between pursuing and encouraging a reconnection?

[john28]

My rule is this: Accept every other invitation. Sometimes you've available. Sometimes you're busy. That is the best way in my opinion to establish a connection and create mystery/GAL at the same time. At least in the beginning this is a good way, but as time goes on you can accept more invitations.

Never invite yourself, or invite H. At least not right now.

I would have responded with this, "Sounds like fun, but I'm busy tonight. Maybe some other time."

[Ihavehope]

I think I did ok. He texted me saying he wanted to take the girls to dinner (at 4?) and he would like me to go. I have class. The normal me probably would have missed one class for his birthday dinner. I came so close to saying yes. 

But I did not. For two reasons: because it would not be GAL or 180 of me, and because if he REALLY wanted me to go, he would postpone his 'other plans' by a few hours (I get out at 630) and went to a later dinner. He obviously did not want to do that. So as much as it hurt and felt wrong and I felt bad, I turned the invite down. He will still take the girls to dinner for his birthday while I am in class. And i won't spend any time with him on his birthday. That is so hard for me. His birthday has always been very special to me.