Hey Sandi,
Please help!! I probably screwed up a lot tonight. If you read my thread on Mon I let my emotions get to me and probably said things that made my W do something’s over the past few days to speed things up (Bad for me). First I get this text that says call me after work.
I got out about 10 and call my S first, then call W, She begins to say I’ve been thinking of what I said over the past few days and then gets teary. I’m 5 min from house and asked if she wanted me to stop by. I get there and she offers me some water, then we proceeded to talk.
I ask what’s up and she goes in to well I’ve been thinking of what you said the other day and we don’t have to go into details about the D. W said she has the outline for our property settlement agreement and debts that she worked with her lawyer.
I was pissed cause I thought something was wrong. Now this and she is working with her lawyer again. I thought she was doing this without the lawyer by herself. I said great draw it up and I’ll have my lawyer look at it.
Then we got back to fighting about us, the affair the issues we both have etc and the D. I let my emotions get to me again, then I heard (I not in Love with you) I said how could you have feelings for OM. I told her she will get what she wants meaning the D in the end.
We just seemed to continue to argue, then she tells me to just give her the D and I fire back saying that it would just be too easy. We even argued about the separation time she said Jan 7th this year, but we were intimate in Feb so that wipes that. Plus no one really knew that we were D till we told our S in the middle of April. (W tells me to choose)
I said we have 2 roads to take one the end of us, or a new one we can actually work at together with the help we need to make our M what we want. She told me we would probably last a few more years and be back here. I ask her if she ever thinks she is making the wrong choices (Yes, sometimes).
I said when we D (we) won’t end; as we will see each other at least once a week b/c of S, & what will D solve besides this temporary bickering and some of this emotional stuff we are dealing with now.
I later asked, why did I work at our M for the past 2.5 years for? W says how many chances do I give U. When she feels that I broke promises to her. I told her how could I try and get myself together out of depression for my family, and be the husband you needed. When I felt you were going to leave or go sleep in the spare room.
After more petty bickering ok more me this time ( stupid emotions) She asked me to leave as I brought the affair up and said, I don’t want to deal with her anymore, or text or talk except for son.
So I finally did leave and was going to text something nasty, but I reframed and called. W picked up this is the last time I probably would call. I told her she would get her D and, I did want to talk it’s just my emotions were getting the best of me and I probably said things I shouldn’t.
W said she was just trying to be upfront with me. Needleless to say we calmly talked for 45 min. I said I shouldn’t let my feeling s out, but oh well She asked me after all that she has put me through why? Did I still want to work? I told her that I’m willing to forgive her & myself. W said she has a hard time doing that for herself maybe someday she could.
Finally I said I don’t want to leave one stone untouched before it’s all done (or something like that) Stupid emotions!! Again we probably got nowhere… If she second guesses herself why not try and make us work that things can change? Why can’t she see that? I’m just confused & don’t know what to do next please any tips or advice. I’m not & do not want to give up please help 
Thanks Talk Soon Hope
This is the most simple one tonight. I am not an advice giver but leave things that cause fights alone. No more relationship talks, no affair talks(it sucks and it is hard) be her friend. If you can manage to get a friendship going with her again, and one day then you got this thing licked. Your story sounds the most hopeful of all the ones I read tonight. Quit talking about the serious thing and be her friend. Ask her about her day, talk about the kids and be f--ing happy around her. No fighting no matter what. You lose. Emotions will kill this. You are killing this and it can be fixed. Be friends and talk about nonserious things. Make her trust you again. And then do it-be friends. It is your only chance but you have a good chance of getting this back. Read other posts. Read the book. Leave your emotions and hurt at the door. Those are killers.
Hey,
thanks for the support advice I don't get a lot of time to post or read others somedays, with work, school, seeing S, and trying to keep busy.
However I want to say thanks I just let my emotions get to me sometimes I know that it's wrong!! Last night when we did talk on the phone it was actually nice. I just dont get why she thinks I could not want her after what W says she has done to me? I dont get it. I can forgive and move foward( we both have our Mistakes) I know I have to re-read the DR.
This whole sisuation is just crazy and I just don't get it? I may never understand, but I'm not going to give up on us or the hard work I have done on myself.
I feel more confident than I have in yrs, and not just being a F**king door matt. Again thanks and hope to her from others as well. Talk soon Hope
Hope. As they say in the book , you have to stop going down cheeseless tunnels. If you keep arguing about the same thing and letting your emotions get the best of you, the cycle will continue and she will see you as the same person. The one she doesn't want to be with. You have to show her , not tell her that you have changed.
If you don't , then what is the point. You have to let her go and be prepared to actually live life without her. Hurts like hell but there is no other choice really. You can only work on the things that you have control over and she is not one of them at this point.
When my W saw that I was not going to converse with her anymore andt that I had changed my life in so many ways, she took notice and started to chase. This took time and she backed off a few times but I knew that she was interested and it takes sooooo much patience. I am not a patient person but you have to develop it and fast ( if that is not a contradiction).
Only when you let her go or at least she perceives this, will she take interest.
Good luck.
Nine
Hi Hope,
Some good advice here, you must have hope, that along with changing your behavior is what will give you your best shot at saving the marriage. With hope, you also need direction as to what to do next, when she puts up a roadblock or does something else...pls. call to talk to a coach, as they are experts in giving you that direction as to what to do next! Best of luck to you.
Hey ninelives,
Thanks for the support I'm trying my best to GAL and show W I can move on without her. With the advice & support of the many people from here & my IC/MC it's helpful.
This ? Is for anyone to offer advice thanks; now that were separated how can I tell if wife is completely done with OM? W & I haven’t talked since the other night except for when the AC guy to the house to repair it the other day. My plan was to stay away while S was visiting family and have no contact. So I'm going to try and continue to be out of the picture. (Just hard that’s all).
Does any epically a woman's point of view know what she might be thinking or Suggestions? (I know everyone is different & no one knows for sure) but I wonder if any of the women here have been in a similar situation? Does anyone think I’m stupid to believe my W? One of the reasons I believe her is because this did happen to her in the past, as I wrote in my other post!!
I just not 100% yet & its harder cause were apart. This probably the same stuff everyone has heard, but it just helps to post and get advice. Talk soon Hope
I wished i could help. You don't know if she is telling the truth or not. Only she knows. Man, you have to find out if you want to trust her or not. A relationship without trust is not a good one. Sorry I couldn't help.
Does any epically a woman's point of view know what she might be thinking or Suggestions?
No mind readers here.
Hey thanks,
I do trust her. It's just hard based on what’s happened, but I to make our M work. The other night after we calmed down from arguing, somehow we got on different subjects.
W asked me why I would want to try and make us work after all that she has put me through. I said it's called forgiveness and I can forgive her as well as some of the things I have done. W said she’s not sure she can forgive for what she has done.
Does anybody have thoughts or suggestions? Not only are we dealing with this Affair situation, but W is also dealing with issues from the past. One of them includes the affair her ex had on her while she was pregnant. Talk soon Thanks Hope
I know just a thought thanks though!!!
When a man chases and pursues a woman who is showing and telling him she wants out or isn't interested in him in romantic way he makes things even WORSE for himself.
Women can NOT be attracted to a man who pursues her if she is giving him hints that she doesn't want him. It actually turns her OFF. She may feel pity or sorry for you, but she just can NOT feel the kind of feelings that make her heart flutter. We again know from your situation and the things you have tried to do to win her love back that this reality holds true. You are just another of a long list of men on this site who have tried these same things to no avail..
Your WS is doing the exact same thing you are. How can you wonder why she is doing what she is doing, when YOU are doing the same thing? She doesn't FEEL love for you. Thus she doesn't want to be with you. She is following her feelings. YOU FEEL love for her and even admit time and again that you can't help yourself when you talk to her or see her because of YOUR emotions and feelings..
So, why can't YOU understand what she is doing? You are doing the same thing. Stuck on following emotions.
One thing I know for sure and without a shadow of a doubt..
The SOONER you let her go and let her wonder if you are over her, is the sooner you will get her back if you have any chance.
The longer you take to let go, and the more you keep telling us that you want to try EVERYTHING, the less chance you have of her coming back. It is like a slow drip..drip drip drip.. Slowly any chance of love drips away..
The people on this site who try the hardest are the ones who have the least success. The harder they try the more they get rejected. Those who let go the fastest, heal the quickest and also are the ones who maximize their chances of getting the wayward back. It is only when you let go that you have your best chance.
We even argued about the separation time she said Jan 7th this year, but we were intimate in Feb so that wipes that. Plus no one really knew that we were D till we told our S in the middle of April. (W tells me to choose)
best date:
"april 7th of last year, you left a pot in the sink on your night to wash the dishes. I cannot live with a slob like you..."
if you stop thinking about her tomorrow and compulse about something else things will start looking up for you.
THANKS for the advice,
I’m doing my best to keep to the no contact epically when our S is visiting family. It's not much but it's a start I guess Right?
Hey Sandi,
Hope all is well, just finished a paper for my class. Just wanted to know if you had any thoughts on this? Do you think my W could be telling the truth that she has not been in touch w/OM; and is going through withdrawals of what she feels and that she did? Or so called coming out of the FOG this is just all confusing to me & I just don’t want to get played again; it doesn’t help with our last outing on Weds.
I shouldn’t have done a lot of the things I said (my feelings) but I did. I’m doing my best now with the no contact at all. The only time we should talk or text next is about 2weeks when I get to see my S before they leave to go back Home together for the family summer get-together. Other than that I’m sticking to I have a life and will go on.
This is just tough and sometimes think is just Silly (I know silly isn’t the right word) but we could make our M stronger than before and start new and have the life and dreams that we want it doesn’t have to be difficult like this. I guess I just have to do a better job at being Mysterious and acting as-if I’m ok to move on from here.
I will and must have patience I guess. One day at a time, as for the W she thinks the D will end all the emotional drama that is going on with ourselves each day and maybe the hostility between us.
I know every person’s situation is different and unique & I know my wife best, as she is also finally dealing with issues from her past as well. It just sucks because on one hand she has hurt me a lot (but I can forgive & move forward). I also know she is hurting from other things as well as our M. She thinks a D would make life easier How?
We’ll talk to you later or anyone else as always thanks for the support and advice
Hope
Hi Hope.....just seeing this thread. I agree with everything Gucci said. Even if she's not in contact with OM and even if she's going through withdrawal.....she's saying she doesn't want you. Yes, she could be reacting to emotions...just as you have been reacting. It is pressure for both of you, you each just respond differently.
You are working hard, but here's the thing....you are living in panic and it shows through your words, your actions and even (I'm sure) your facial expressions. She's your W and she knows you better than anyone. She knows you are freaking out even if you try to fake it.
What is hard for you to understand is why she can't look at what the two of you "could" have together. But she is in a completely different mindset than you are. The more frightened you become at the possibility of her leaving the M, the more emotional pressure you are throwing at her. You are frustrated b/c she won't see it your way. She can't deal with it and just wants out.
As bad as this will hurt you to read....I think your only chance is to set her free. One reason you want her so badly is b/c she "doesn't" want you. It happens all the time in this type of stitch.
If she thought you were done and moving on....then it may make a difference. The key would be in you being able to truly do that. If it is simply a technique to try to get her back, she'll see through it.
Hope,
Just read your sitch and I'm certainly at a point in my life where I feel like I'm getting my life back. My sitch is very similar, W has OM definitely an EA possibly PA, not sure. We have a 2.5 year old son.
4 months I've been riding this roller coster. I've heard it all from I want a D to let's work on our M. The bottom line is my W has no idea what she wants. I in turn acted on mixed emotions that I had and it got me nowhere. I know it's hard to hear but the best thing I did was "drop the rope". I had to let her go.
We still live in the same house but with a bit of luck and if the stars align properly, I'll be able to purchase the home at the end of the month. My W has found a place for her and my son nearby.
I welcome this separation and it couldn't have come at a better time. I consumed myself with OM and it took over my life. You need to let her go and just work on you and if the R is meant to be she'll come running back.
I know that most sitch don't have the fairy tale ending but you never know.
sandi,
Could you check in on my sitch? I'd like to see what your opinion is. Thanks.
Sorry for the hijack.
Hey guys,
Thanks as tough and as hard as this is we are in two different spots right now.. We just have so much that seems unresolved in our. M; however I need to continue to move on with or without my W (easier said than done). I have to just cut the rope.
I hope in doing this it might bring us back together. I appreciate all the support and advice that everyone gives!! I would welcome any advice or tips that may help during this process so I don’t mess up anymore than I have.
No matter what I will not lose my Hope and I want to expect the impossible!!
I’m going to try and link some of my threads to this one so I don’t confuse anyone with my story.
Thanks again and talk soon Hope
Hope's story Hope story cont:
No advice here, just some kind words, I will pray for you and your happiness. I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope that you succeed in making your marrige work and when you do I hope you continue to change and don't back to your old ways. Jeff
Thanks for the kind words and prayers.
Ok guys can anyone help me with goals, tips, or advice while I do my best to stay out of touch with W (I guess going dark)? When I’m in touch with her b/c of our S, do I just act as if things are fine and I’m moving on? What do you all think is my best move?
I’m continuing to work on myself by focusing on time with S, going to the gym, finishing school, working on my resume and trying to hang out with my friends. As well as getting support and advice from here (which is greatly appreciated). This whole situation sucks, but I do have to say I actually feel like I have gotten my confidence back.
As I think for a long time I always put myself last and lost my backbone. I guess that’s a plus only if it were that easy to get my M back on track...
As always thanks and talk soon Hope
Hey Hope, I wish you the best man and my prayers will be for you as well.
Hi Hope...I just wanted to pop in and see how things were going.
I saw something that seems pretty tough for you to handle, but you are surviving, aren't you! Your son still loves you and will always want you in his life. Your wife is finding a loving man...what is wrong with emotions?? Maybe they aren't helping, maybe they are. But you can't be anyone but yourself. I hope you find some more hope for this relationship.
Hey thanks,
Hope all is well with you!! Just trying to keep my head up some days better than others. Trying to stay low right now and continue to work on things in my life. I still have hope it's just getting a little bit harder. I just not sure what to do next besides giving it time and laying low...
Hey guys,
So I got a call from my W didn't answer. She left a message saying she was just calling to let me know she was getting S early. (I guess the argument we had when I said don't contact me unless it's to do with our S she took to heart). Sweet at least I can see S for 1 more day before S leaves to go back see our families in New England for a few weeks.
So when I see W when I pick up S do I act happy or kind of cold not sure what to do by "going dark"? What if she brings up the Separation Agreement? At first we agreed to do mediation, but now it seems she is going to her lawyer (WTF)!! Although she makes more than me we don't have the money to get lawyers involved, but if needed I can somehow!!
Does staying dark help? Does anyone have any thoughts on her going back home will make her think, or more than likely will people just side with her? As I told my Sister-in-Law’s husband (My Brother in- Law) there are 2 sides to everything…(He at least understands)
Guess it’s just wishful thinking to expect anything to change yet? probably doesn’t matter either.. If she asks to talk about the D do I just tell her that I need more time to sort some things to avoid talking at all just confused as what to do any thoughts?
I’m taking Nyquil to try and fight this cold I have, so sorry if not everything is clear.
As always thanks Hope
Hey Guys,
Just saw S for the first time in almost 2 weeks, so I surprised him with a cold slurpee!! Anyway it was great to see him and we planned a special dinner for Weds. As W & S leave Thurs. Anyway W and I talked for the first time in almost 2 weeks.
Not much basically about her mom as something’s came up over the past week, but no one told W till Sat. I found Fri only because I talked to my sister-in law & her husband. (I felt kind of bad as I thought someone would have called W, and told her about her mom; it wasn’t a major crisis but still). W was shocked I knew before her… I told her to let me know if she heard anything else.
Then we just talked about me watching the pets till she gets back on Tues morning. No talks about D, M, or R a lot better than 2 weeks ago. I was cool, calm, and didn’t stay long like I had somewhere to be then said bye. Before I entered my car she stopped me and said I had mail then we said bye. This is probably nothing, but I didn’t let any of my emotions get to me even though I wanted to say something’s.
Any thoughts or helpful tips or suggestions, or things I should keep doing, or shouldn’t. Today I was reading some of the post on “setting them free” some really good advice!! This is no easy journey for anyone. I can only hope for the best even when I know the odds are stacked against me.
Thanks talk soon Hope