My divorce was final about 1 yr ago...we were having a difficult time, our lives became stale and unhappy much of the time. We have one child together. Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness I let someone else convince me to leave the marriage. I was honest from the start about my feelings for someone else, and he just left that day. I had a very bad counselor that, looking back did Not do anything to help me think the whole thing through rationally or I would never have left. I loved my ex-husband, and practically begged for my needs that weren't being met. Now, 1 year later, I would do anything to bring our family back together. We have been friends the whole time, he has been a great support the entire time and I think we really like and respect each other. I'm surprised much of the time of how wonderful he is to me after all we've been through. Lately, we've been doing few things together with our child, so I'm hoping there's a chance we can rebuild somehting we let go so easily. I learned a lot this past year and my mistakes, I understand and they would never happen again. I have been seeing a fantastic counselor now and have been working a lot on my stuff. I hope I can be a success story someday too..
We welcome you to the board and hope you will have a success story soon. If your exH is not interested in OP by now, hopefully that is a good sign. You know what attracted him to you when he fell in love the first time, so if you can be that way again.....then he could fall in love all over again. Being friends is a great way to get there.
Hi Mar, Im glad that you decided to try it over here. Have you read the DB books? Has he started seeing anyone? Sandi is right, he could fall in love with you again! I also noticed that you said that your lives had become stale, have you done anything to add excitement to your life?
Have you ever approached him about reconciling? Im not recommending that you do this, I just think that his reaction to something that you may have said about it in the past could be useful.
Sounds like same story as my xW.
Your H may have backed off to protect himself from further hurt. Reconcile? Could happen. Be prepared to recognize and admit things you didn't see at the time.
Welcome Mar! I hope it works out for you too! What new things are you trying in your treatment of your ex? I would say don't push the relationship talk - but at some point you will have to tell him that you've seen your part in the relationship failing and tell him all the reasons that you fell in love with him to begin with. However there is no way to know how he'll react....his defenses might be up big time. Showing him through kind, considerate actions and lots of Thank yous/appreciation voiced for the kind things that he does for you (no matter how small)is your best way to confirm that your words are sincere. (This is what I've gleaned from reading DB, M/V, and LHF...don't know if it'll save my marriage yet but am seeing small positive reactions to my changes so far.)
I would add my best wishes that your R can get reconciled, but I do have this much to add too ...
"Moment of weakness"? Please, could WASes just be more honest, starting with themselves? I've seen and heard this from more WASes than I care to remember in the last couple of years, including my own W. Calling an A or a going into WAW mode a "mistake" or "moment of weakness" is the understatement of the freaking decade. As someone said somewhere, a "mistake" is leaving the windows open and it rains. A "moment of weakness" is taking that ice cream when you're on a diet.
It's also logically impossible to have "been honest from the start about your feelings for someone else". Or are you saying you spontaneously fell in love with the other guy? The usual sitch would be 2 people meeting as "special friends", confiding about problems in the M, and "falling in love despite not planning for it to happen". I'm pretty sure most would not keep their S informed of those meetings.
And while you may not have had a good counseller, don't blame everything on him/her. The decision you made was yours and yours alone.
You want a way back, it starts with remorse, something I don't really see in your post. Regret is not remorse. The journey starts with knowing where you are starting from, and just a belated recognition that you had deliberately shattered something meaningful is probably not good enough.
I'm not attacking you, this is just something I have strong views on. Rant over, I do think it's great you want to reconcile and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness I let someone else convince me to leave the marriage. I was honest from the start about my feelings for someone else, and he just left that day.
Hi Mar.
First, I really hope things work out for you. It is great that you want to try to reconcile.
I was wondring if you could elaboate on this a little more. I guess you told him you were going to leave because you were in love with OM? So your H decided he wouldn't stick around and left on his own accord? How did the OM "convince" you to leave the M? What were your feelings toward H at the time you left? What happened with the OM? What made you change your mind about the marriage?
This seems somewhat similiar to my situation. My W has left me because she is in love with another man. I do not believe he is good for her, but there is nothing I can do about it but move on. I am interested in part because I would like to know some insight into what my W may be thinking/feeling right now. But I think by answering these questions you may get some more feedback. I know I will be following this thread.
Also,
Thanks,
- T
Ok, let me elaborate a little bit more and be very honest with a whole panel of people I don't know here...(I've never done this before). About 10 years ago, me and this other guy dated for a short time. It ended quickly..things were left without closure. I was very mad at him for all those years, however, also curious as to what the heck really happened, the way he left the first time may have been a clue for some but it wasn't for me. What happened was when we started to get serious, he fled fast!, But I thought it was because he was just divorced which is kind of what he eluded to. So. My life went on and I met my husband, he was wonderful, I was very in love with him, however he was a very factual guy, didn't do a lot of sugar coating (which apparantly I need), the romance I thought he lacked was actually there, but he did it in his way, which I now recognize, and lastly and possibly the biggest reason I was so blinded by the OM was because I was what the DB book calls sex-starved. I'm not sex crazy, I just wanted to feel desired. Something I talked about with my husband a lot, and we just couldn't get through it. He was never really a sexual guy and I knew it but there were sooooo many other qualities that I loved about him I thought I could do without that part. We even went to a counselor (the bad one), on the subject and it resulted in me just accepting and learn to live with that, I knew I would Never leave him, I didn't want to. But then shortly after that revelation, I ran into the OM again (8yrs later) and he apologized profusely about how things ended years ago. He said he would help me with my business I wanted to start by building me a website (part of his work), for free, and my husband and I both agreed that would be okay. After meeting with the OM a few times in a work environment, we had the opportunity to talk about the past and he was charming and convincing and said everything right! He told me he wanted to marry me, he said it was his biggest mistake in life that he didn't see it then, without going into a lot of boring detail, it was fairy tale like. (All his friends, (after we started living together) confirmed that to be true ,always saying, so you're the girl we heard about for the last 8 years). Well, I started having feelings for him, but I respected my husband too much and know how I'd feel about cheating, so I told him how I was feeling and he moved out that day.(We made a pact that if we ever had feelings for another we would tell each other) The OM and I started living together a few months later after my marriage had obviously ended in divorce and almost immediately the OM started very suttely distancing. To make a long story short, he is a severe commitment phobe. Everything was a lie. All I asked was for honesty and respect and I got neither. And in the end, he didn't get the engagement ring he custom made for me, instead he walked out one night and walked back into his parents house where Mom does his laundry and Daddy helps him pay the bills. He left me with a house I cannot afford that we had been renting and bills he was paying while we tried to build his biz. Oh yeah, and believe it or not, both the OM and my Ex would go to my son's school and extra curricular functions and my ex even came to our house where we had our son's birthday party. My Ex really took the high road and they both seemed to get along for Noah's sake anyway. As my relationship with the OM broke down, I would talk a little about it with my Ex, we had a fantastic relationship through the whole thing and he was always supportive, more than many people would be. Somehow I think we managed to keep the respect we had for each other intact. Everytime I picked up our son at his house, he had pictures of us on his computer, of our lives together, I thought that was a nice thing to do, so our son would remember those times. We are contemplating taking our son to DIsney next year together, I think that's probably a good sign. Next weekend we are both going to attend one of our friends houses for a birthday party for their daughter together. It's kind of strange, but I'm glad we're friends. I hope he will want to re-build with me someday, and my new counselor said that if that does happen, that we should see him first to work out whatever needed to be worked out so we don't fall into the same pattern I guess. But what I learned from all this is what is really important to me, what matters, and all the ways he was there for me through the good and bad, times.Sometimes, I have to admit though, I felt like I ruined his life because we had a lot of stress having to deal with my first husband and a battle over my 2 daughters, and then my Mom got Alzheimer's and he helped me with her. Moving her home, into 2 different nursing homes, ect.. it was stressful. I didn't notice while I was in the relationship, but I can see clear as day now how much our relationship had to endure. It all had happened so fast, it was a whirlwind...
It helps if you put these long posts in paragraphs!
Is this OM still in the picture at all? If he is, I would think that he needs to not be if you really hope to work on your M.
Its a good sign that the two of you can communicate in a friendly way, and I agree with your counselor that it would be a good idea to start right off the bat with help!
Its a good sign that the two of you can communicate in a friendly way, and I agree with your counselor that it would be a good idea to start right off the bat with help!
I would not use him though and I am surprised he is suggesting it. Since he is your IC, your ex-H would have a more difficult time building trust with him as a MC. I would suggest you find someone completely independent to start MC. Have you approached your H about this idea?
Well we both saw him before, so I think that's why it might be okay?
I think I may have messed up abit, My ex's dad passed away today and I took our son to his place so we could tell him together (he is 6) After a we had a little wine and I just started crying because I messed up with our lives. Ugh, it was so upsetting. I felt soooo bad. I think it best if I leave the alcohol alone...
At least for now, I agree. What was that old commercial, merlot and email dont mix? Dont beat yourself up, give it a few days with your H, but you pick yourself right back up! Besides, it was a tough moment. How did your H react?
Do you live in a town where you have access to a different counselor? You have to be careful, its not too unusual for therapy to do more harm than good. And Im not sure that now is the time to ask him to go with you, preferrably, he will be the one to bring it up.
Since you have divorced, have you brought up reconciliation, or has he, at all?
No talk of reconciliation, however we both attend our son's soccer games and school events, we are going to go (first time) to our mutual friends daughter's birthday party (they're inviting kids and parents) and he talked about both of us bringing our son to DIsney next year. I'm taking those as good signs? What I know I do need is patience though, and I'm soooo not good at that!
Not yet, I think it's too soon...Im not sure how to proceed, I'm afraid he'll just want to be friends and tell me he doesn't want to go around this with me again.
Mar, I'm not trying to be a cat, but which one are you calling your "ex"? I am confused.
There is one thing that bothers me. If the boyfried you left your H for had been committed and wanted to M you......would you be where you are now? I mean, do you want to reconcile with your H b/c things didn't work out with the boyfriend?
I understand that you were starved for romance and it sounds as if the physical touch is your LL, so I see where that could have been a big problem in your R with your H. It would have made you vulernable to an A when boyfriend from the past came back. Your H either trusted you an awful lot or else he got pretty sloppy by letting boyfriend get that close to you again.
I don't mean to offend, but can you see where one would wonder if you just want what you know you can't have anymore? First, the boyfriend, now your ex-husband?
You seem to have had a good R with your H except for problems with the need for more sex. Do you feel things would be different this time around? If so, why? Yes, you can see where you made a mistake, but I go back to what I asked before. Do you want what you can't have?
Good News....My ExH told me there is a chance that sometime in the future he would consider a reconciliation! : ) I think he is realizing how incredibly sorry I am. I told him how I didn't believe he loved me because I was missing all the ways he showed me love, but I was looking for something else I thought love was supposed to be. I don't know why it took me leaving to finally figure that out! I know I still have some work to do on myself and he may even have to get over the abandonment issues he has (that I didn't make any better) before he can think about starting something with me again. I just DO NOT want to mess this up if I get a second chance to make it right.
Think I should get him a copy of the DB book?
Sorry, but I think most of the work needs to be done by you. Show him that he can trust you again. Take it slow.
And, try to thoughtfully and honestly answer Sandi2's question in her last post.
In answer to Sandi2..I don't think its so much what I can't have.. I always wanted my H, this may sound strange, but I had wished and verbalized that the OM was fulfilling a need I desparately wanted my H to fulfill because I loved him. When we talked about that area of our R, he just told me he couldn't or wouldn't fulfill that need I had. Will it be different now? Maybe, because our sex life wasn't completely dead, and after reading some of the Sex Starved book, I think there's hope here. I believe I've learned so much about what matters and by coming to this site, never giving up and finding the right people to talk with will be the best thing we could do for each other.
However, he hasn't done all this reading, and he had told me that he thinks if we had gone to a counselor before we married the first time, they may have found us not to be a match, but since we fell in love we got married anyway. I'm not really sure how to take that observation by him. And even after that statement, he still said there may be a reconciliation in our future. So I'm just a little confused with both of those statements. He talked about maybe now, we will be more suited for each other, maybe with what we've learned?
No, I dont think that you should get him a copy of the book. But, if you leave it on the coffee table and he happens to see it, you could discuss it with him.
You have to remember, this didnt happen to your M overnight, this has been going on for years, and you are going to need some time and patience to repair things. Slow, slow, slow.
Would you tell us what the ages of you and your H are? That helps.
I would not completely leave it up to a counselor.....or anybody esle to tell you if you are a match for each other or not. I was rather shocked that your H would even suggest that somebody tell the two of you "if" you were a match or not. So....you may need to take a professional's opinion into a lot of consideration.
It sounds as if your H still has some serious doubts--and you get confused easily, so I personally think the two of you need to take a lot of time before getting back into a M with each other.
Hi Sandi2, I am 43 and he is 51. He is more of a think things through kind of a guy, and I wear my heart on my sleeve : ) We get along quite well. For the past week we have seen each other more for short periods and it just seems normal to be a family with him and our son, who is 6. It's almost like we're still married, except when we talk about "his place, my place" type things. My counselor said that "No counselor should ever say 2 people arn't a match", which I totally agree with because if 2 people love each other, the work needs to go in right?
That's my thinking. But, I do want to encourage you to take your time. Besides, you need to enjoy the "dating" part of your R with him. You've got the rest if your lives to be M.
I'd love to enjoy the dating time, but I think I could use some advice here ASAP, Little history for the week...
H's dad passed away Monday, I've been very supportive, I made him a large lasagna (It's my Italian way), and he asked me to stand by him with our son at the funeral Friday. I attended the wake and we've been okay being together more than we have been lately. I even spent about an hour and a half before the wake at his apartment lightheartedly talking and we had lunch together (the lasagna). Fell back into old times as I warmed the sauce and plated food out as I used to.
Today is Sat, we had our son's soccer game and pics this morning and we both plan to attend a mutual couple's friends bday party for their daughter where the parents are invited. The problem for me, is it's very hard going from wife to friend. He had been talking to a friend of his about proper etiquette in these situations and thank you cards ect..and ended up doing it at the soccer game and after the game as we were driving home. I found it very hard to take because in the past he would have been turning to me for those things. Ugh, when he hung up the phone, he mentioned how that person was miss manners (friend of family), and I said, you know you could ask me, I know that stuff too. He replied:" I know and I have been." He hasn't really, but okay. When we started brainstorming on the subject we had been talking about, at one point he thought I was being sarcastic, but I really wasn't and explained myself. He knows me soooo well, I think he knows that it bothered me. So, should I say something to him about maybe doing that stuff on his own time? or should I let it be? I don't want to ruin anything while I'm just starting to get back to a possible reconciliation... This is soooo hard!
Mar, I am going to tell you the "gut feeling" I'm getting from reading your posts, okay? I think you are feeling rather panicky or maybe..."urgent" is a better word. It is as if you are scared to wait very long or he will back out of wanting to get M again. You have said several things that give me the impression that you're concerned that if too much times escapes that you might mess up, or there will be an argument, or something will happen and he'll have a change of heart. You seem as though you can't relax until you have that wedding band back on your finger and you are officially Mrs. ________.
Now, after saying that....let me say this. If I happen to be correct, he
will sense this very strongly and it will run him off.....you realize that, don't you? For whatever the reason that is causing you to feel the way you do, you have to try to get a grip on it b/c it actually keeps you from being the confident woman he would like to have for a wife. I'm sure you've read the men think confident women are very sexy. Men don't want their W to be all possessive & jealous. He doesn't want a woman who tries to keep him all to herself. This is the type of woman that old M jokes are made about. (Don't you hate those?) You know....the "old chain & ball" type of jokes.
Why am I saying this? B/c you were honest enough to express your feelings about him asking a friend some questions that you were capable of answering and you were not happy that he didn't turn to you instead of them. This may not be a major problem....but I don't think it is a good sign that your R is where it needs to be when you are about to get M.
You said you didn't want to "ruin anything" while just starting a possible reconcilliation....and I understand what you mean, but at the same time it has me a little concerned. Again, it is as if you just want to get him back into a M with you and then you won't feel that you have to work at it so hard. As if you can "let down" and be more yourself and if something happens or is said that he doesn't like, then it doesn't matter b/c you'll be M by then. (I'm not explaining myself very well, but hope you know what I'm trying to say.)
I don't mean to sound offensive b/c I want to be able to help if I can, and offending you would not help matters. I just want to point out some things that I've picked up on.
So, should I say something to him about maybe doing that stuff on his own time? or should I let it be?
Are you talking about him calling a friend to ask about the cards, etc.? If so, then I believe this could be seen a couple of different ways. First, you feel that he was using the time he could have spent with you by talking to somebody else. Well, I can see your point there....."if" you were on a very limited schedule. Was this friend he turned to a male or female? I would suggest that you let it go b/c honestly I think a man would see it as being petty. He would probably see it as you being jealous....if the friend is a female. I can see where it could be interputed as almost "rude" of him, but OTOH, maybe he is feeling that "old familiar feeling" of you being his wife and since you have stood by him through the passing of his dad, then he didn't think anything of doing what he did. I think it is a "guy thing" and they don't think like we do. We have to suck it up a lot of times just so they won't think we are jealous....when that isn't it at all.
I know this is so hard for you. It is probably a lot harder the second time around b/c he does know you so well. Just try to take it slow and easy, okay?
No,I am not offended..especially when you hit the nail on the head! I do get panicky and worried something will happen to change his mind of reconciling. But its because when you are married, then you know the other person is in it for the long haul and to work out those differences, at this time in our lives, its like limbo, where you dont know what the other person is thinking. Its very uncomfortable place to be for me.
I will say this about tonight however. We attended a birthday party for mutual friends of ours, daughter with our son. We were both running late, my H called me to discuss his very disfunctional, alcoholic sister. He was upset that she drank too much and her boyfriend called my H to tell him about it, and as they were talking, she apparantly fell off her bicycle and cut her lip! She had been arrested for possession of something in the middle of last week, while planning the funeral for their father, ugh! He was very distrought over the whole thing. Without going into a lot of detail, we can suffice the relationship she thinks she has with her brother to be a little too close, she almost crosses the line as to the role she has in his life (counselor confirmed borderline personality disorder).
Anyway, I expressed that she is just like our son! and tell sisters boyfriend to pick her up, get her a band aid and she will be just fine.
He did agree she was like a kid and there was absolutely no way he would want her to ever live with him. She wants to move into their fathers house with him it seems. Long story shorter, I told him that I was very sorry for him and didnt really know what to say and I didnt want to say anything that would offend him in any way. Maybe I was too close to the situation and let him know he might want to call my counselor, who counseled us before about her and he would be a lot of help. He also agreed that might be a good idea. In the end, I told him not to over-react as I do sometimes, and he has a couple of months before he plans on moving and things happen in that time. Worry when something happens not anticipating something to happen, some how and some way things always work out the way they are supposed to, and no matter what happens he could always count on me to be there and support him and help him through whatever life throws out there. So see you at the party, have a cocktail and chill for a while.
We spent 5 hours at the party together, always returning to each others side and ending up the only 2 in the downstairs room, watching a tv show on the couch together. Side by side, no touching or anything however. It was nice to just be, kind of like the old times. Then he took our son to his house for the night til tommorow. One woman there, we both know, (earlier in the night) decided to tell him I was a good girl and she hugged me to let him know she really meant that, (nice aye?) and then he said something like, well you must not know her that well, I think Ill go over here and refill my wine..half-laughing. Was cute. The woman commented that she thought there was a definite attraction going on between us. I was happy to hear that...
oh yeah, and about the phone call, it was a female friend of the family for years..and I did feel it was rude because A. He knows me well enough to know that would probably bother me, and B. Because he was in the car with us and he spoke with her 2 times (during the game and right after the game while walking to the car and while in the car) He hangs up and tells me everything, but I still found it to be rude. He might take it as a jealousy thing, but she is married with grown kids and grandkids. I dont find her much of a threat except that she probably gives him bad information.
A few threads ago, I mentioned my exH talking about maybe reconciling in the future, but I think what I found out was it may have been the martini's talking (didn't know til our talk last night that he had a few). Anyway, we talked last night about that possibility and he was very much against it, telling me to move on and not wait for him. That he is not ready for that yet and the D drained everything he had out of him. He has no problem living alone. No energy for any relationships, nothing to give me and that first you have to have romantic feelings for someone, and he looked at me and said which he did not have.
My response? I thought he had been giving me some mixed messages, based on his actions, he said he didn't mean to, he was trying to get along and be friends because it's the right thing to do for our son. I basically said, then, we should just pick up and drop our S in as short a time as possible and not hang out with each other or go to bday parties, ect.. together anymore. That I find it very difficult to just be friends without any glimmer of hope other than, as he said, maybe in a couple years, he could be ready but at that point maybe I will have moved on. We were both in tears, because he is so sad it's hard for him to talk about this and how much I hurt him (I understand), and I did let him know that I want to get our family back together more than anything and I'm very sorry for what happened, but it takes two people to get to the point we were at,
I ended up asking for the D, but he didn't fight for me either. All he said was that when I told him I had feelings for someone else, he told me to stop seeing him, with my honesty, I told him I didn't think that would be possible, because the feelings that were stirred up, just won't magically go away. Then he moved out, same day. Looking back I wish we would have started counseling right away. I feel so lost...
Oh my goodness! Things sure flip-flop around in a short amount of time, don't they?
I am really sorry that you've been through this and now told that he has no romantim feelings for you. It did seem that you were given mixed signals, but who knows what a man might be thinkng? However, let me say this to you, okay? You do not want to be M to anyone who does not have romantic feelings for you. He is saying that he's not sexually attracted to you. That is not any way to begin a M. It is not your fault if he doesn't feel that way, b/c we do with some and don't with some and that is just how we are! There are some great hunks out there, but it doesn't mean I'm wanting to have sex with them....know what I mean? Anyway, I don't think he should have told you that he might change his mind in a couple of years. That was low of him to even throw that out there b/c he had already dashed your hopes. Maybe he thought it was softening the blow, but again...that is some men's thinking.
I'm being straight with you.....I don't believe you should hang around and wait on your XH b/c it sounds as if he has other problems on his hands.....you know, with his sister. That sounds like some serious stuff there and she may be controling his decisions about what he is doing. That doesn't sound good to me. If I were you, there is no way I would waste my precious time with him. Life is too short and there are too many fish in the sea for you to hang around wondering if he might change hs mind in a couple of years. I can tell you that this kind of man will keep you hanging on and won't make any decision as long as he knows you'll be there. I wish you had not told him that you would be there for him. I know why you did, but honestly....you don't need this kind of stuff in your life. Even though you share a son with him, I think you should not have contact with him other than regarding the son.
Don't you think it is strange that he did not try to talk you out of a D when you wanted it? Now he doesn't want to get M when you offer yourself to him. You are too valuable to waste your time & life b/c that is what you'll be doing with him. It hurts right now, but you seem like one who can bounce back. I think that you want security and that is why you were wanting back in the M with him. Please, please do not get M to anybody who is not willing to wak through fire for you. You want a man who loves you enough to fight for you and this man practically gave you away.
So, have a good cry and then make up your mind that you will have a good life without that burden. You will better off. I hope you will find the right man b/c he is out there waiting for you. Just don't be in a hurry. Hope you'll come back and tell me what is going on b/c I do want to hear what's happening.
Take care,
Sandi
Well, I think it was suggested because we had both seen him in the past and he has our trust already. This particular counselor is a psychiatrist and seems to hit the nail on the head everytime I see him as well as he helped me and my Ex (while we were married), with his substance abuser sister. And I think she is at least some of our problem we would need to address...
Hi Sandi,
Are there men out there that would actuallly, as you said, "walk through fire" for their woman?
I do feel bad that he didn't fight for me. From the beginning he never had much of a sex drive anyway... he had many other good qualities so I thought I could handle it. Lastly, yes he definitely has sister issues. Ever heard of emotional incest? Its creepy. Their mom died when he was 3 and she was 5. They ended up with this weird bond. When he announced to her he wanted to marry me, she screamed with protest, she was so jealous she pulled out a knife at one point. (I wasn't there), but he always stood up for me. Now that his Dad passed, things are still strange. I guess his Dad asked my ExH to make sure his sister will be taken care of. I'm a little put off by that, because what about me and his son? Seems like he, again isn't really going out of his way for us.. he might for his son, but not me, he won't even acknowledge that we'll always be "family". I'm just our son's mom. Sad isn't it?
I have another thread on divorced but not done (divorced but want to reconcile)..some good news there, let me know your thoughts if you get a chance to read it...
Good to hear from you. Yes, it is very sad. But, to answer your question about if there really are men who would walk through fire for their W.......my H is one of those men. And to think I almost left him. Anyway, don't "settle" for anyone. Be picky! You are a valuable lady and deserve to have a man who would almost worship her. Don't settle for anything less, okay? Your "love" is out there somewhere, but the timing has to be just right.....and then it will happen.....and you'll meet him.
Whatever the R is between your XH and his sister....it doesn't sound healthy and I do not think it would do anything but bring you misery. It seems that there are issues there that you could do without.
MAR1713,
. But, to answer your question about if there really are men who would walk through fire for their W.......my H is one of those men.
Sure their are. I was one and there are dozens upon dozens on these boards.
Anyway, don't "settle" for anyone. Be picky! You are a valuable lady and deserve to have a man who would almost worship her. Don't settle for anything less, okay? Your "love" is out there somewhere, but the timing has to be just right.....and then it will happen.....and you'll meet him.
I offer you my take on this in my soon-to-end sitch: "I 'm just gonna live my life and see who shows up."
Yeah, the sitch with his sister sounds bad, but I believe he wouldn't put her before me, we started that way years ago, but the counselor we had set us straight and ever since then he put me first. The only thing is that because we are now D'd, I naturally feel a bit worried about her influence. However, given the plans we have for Disney and what we've been doing together lately, it appears, that I may still have a place in his life, maybe not the way I'd like it to be yet, but the potential seems real. Did you get a chance to read my other post?
@mar1713:
Did you know what your ex was like before the wedding? Are all of these complaints you have about him part of a bait and switch marriage? Are most spouses really so devious that they can hide their true selves till after the wedding?
And what's up with all these needs that aren't being met? Has your ex snapped to attention and started meeting them? Or, have you decided that what you thought you were unhappy with really wasn't all that important after all?
Why make someone fight for you? Would that be something that you would enjoy if ex made you fight for him? It's a cruel and silly little game to play with someone who loves you.
Call me crazy, but I think that accepting people for who they are is the most loving thing that we can do. What would be so wrong with that?
I have the feeling that if your OM hadn't dumped you, you'd still be with him. And I think your ex is wise enough to realize this too.
Mar, I don't want to give false hope, but I don't think things are so bad. I've read through the thread. When a person is rejected so dramatically he or she often shoves their feelings deep down and out of the way. It's too hard to handle. It often feels like detachment but it's avoidance. It doesn't mean those feelings aren't there.
My suggestion is to try to stir them up. Gradually. And in a way that isn't too traumatic if it doesn't work out for you. Go on "dates." Coffee, lunches, etc. No-pressure activities and avoid R talk. Do this for awhile and see where it leads. It might end up as nothing but friendship but you're almost starting from the beginning, so you should treat it as a courtship. Respect his feelings and don't come on too strong. And enjoy the journey.