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Posted By: Lost Rabbit After 30 Years! - 08/28/09 02:54 PM
Thought I'd introduce myself, up until May 09 I had been married for 23 years and been with OH for nearly 30 years, after mentioning that we ought to be putting more effort into our relationship as we had got a bit lazy he announced he didnt love me anymore and he needed to think about things.. I spent two and half months in utter misery waiting for his answer but he decided he wanted out, I begged and begged and we went to counselling, at this point I hadnt found this book or the couple others I have since read on the subject and I so wish I had.. So now on antidepressants as I knew me losing it would make things worse we went to see the councellor, worst mistake of my life, in her wisdom she tried to persuade him that working at it would be better and how about a trial seperation, OH grabbed it with both hands and we agreed for a two week one which he went to stay with his brother.. he returned and said he didnt want to come back so went for another week by now I had the book and was working my socks of to read it and follow through although now with several hundereds of miles between not an easy task.. last night I got a bit excited about a phone message, but today I caught up with him and he said he had rented a flat down there.. Im not seeing him this weekend although he is meeting up with our grown up son.. When I said I didnt think he would ever come back he said he couldnt see that happening so in parting I said I expect we will be in divorce proceedings by xmas, his reply was xmas is a long way away! I cant cope with all the mixed messages, I still love this man so much and just dont know what to do? Any advice would be most welcome!
Posted By: Changes Re: After 30 Years! - 08/28/09 03:12 PM
LR...take a breath. There are a lot of wise people on this board that can help you. You will probably have to provide a little more background on your sitch and yourself. Also are you reading the DR or DB book?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/28/09 03:30 PM
Yes just finished reading it and going to start reading it again! I had been doing so well till this afternoon then let hope get carried away a little too much! Thanks for reply MIB x
Posted By: Changes Re: After 30 Years! - 08/28/09 04:50 PM
No problem. I found posting here helps a great deal. Even if no one posts back...consider it a blog or journal. Are you still going to the counselor for yourself? I have kept going to try and improve myself. It actually is quite helpful. I never thought it would be helpful after my W decided to stop going and the M wasn’t worth saving.

Keep your spirits up. Rent a funny movie you like and watch it. Make some popcorn and enjoy the 2 hours. Or take a hot bath and read a book not about marriage fixing. I am trying to do one thing each day to forget about my sitch and just enjoy something for myself no matter how simple. For me it has to happen after the little ones are in bed. Tonight is planes trains and automobiles while eating apples dipped in and cinnamon...in bed.

Do something nice for yourself tonight if only for just for 30 minutes.
Posted By: volleydog Re: After 30 Years! - 08/28/09 05:14 PM
Quote:
planes trains and automobiles


One of my all time favorite movies...
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/28/09 06:06 PM
Im very lucky I have a beautiful horse which I get to spend time with and that makes each day better, Im looking to go back to work which will be hard after several years off, I have no littluns just one bigun and is a great support but as only bigun I dont want to make him feel to much between me and OH although OH doesnt seem to mind!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/30/09 01:03 AM
Really struggled today! I was out all day but H arranged to meet my son for lunch, I had left him a note about certain bills but it did not ask him to pay them! It really spoilt my whole day as I was worried sick about what I was gonna find when I got home, but when I got home he had paid the bills, which ok is nice but we had agreed to discuss any large bills to be paid as we are still using a joint account.. Have sent an email asking him not to do that again without discussing my needs with me, not sure I should have contacted him at all, but didnt want him to think he could just ignore my requests to be civil! This is just such a mess how can he just leave and not seem to give a hoot about me any more after all this time! Im really really struggling so some advice would be nice!
Posted By: Arwen_in_NJ Re: After 30 Years! - 08/30/09 01:29 AM
How old is your H?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/30/09 08:22 AM
He is forty six Arwen, he had a heart attack at forty two and I was expecting a big midlife crisis then but I think he got a delayed reaction.. He is just not acting at all like the man I married twenty three years ago more like a teenage boy! I just cant seem to get through to him at all he has shut down and shut me out!
Posted By: harpo Re: After 30 Years! - 08/30/09 11:24 AM
LR Welcome, sorry you are here but it is a good place to be.

I know it's tough after being with someone for so long,thinking you know them and then...you don't.for now focus on you keep busy.don't try to figure him out it will just eat you alive and that is not healthy.come here when you need to vent it absolutely helps.and most of all Patience.

Good Luck
God Bless
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 08/30/09 11:43 AM
Rabbit - my apologies - I found your thread in Separated What Next and have just replied to you there. You may find my response and wonder what the heck I was going on about ... I didn't spot you here until much later!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/30/09 12:43 PM
Thank you so much for your replies x including the other post Eskimo Nell! I had managed to keep my head above water for so long and on thursday even had one of those small good moments.. I had bought makeup for myself, got into a pair of size 10 (uk)jeans and came home to a fed up sounding message from OH on the answer phone, referring to phoning home, I also had an agency phone me to come in for an interview for some temping positions, so I suppose I wrongly started to believe that maybe something good was gonna happen with him too.. I was so wrong when he finally caught up with me it was to tell me he had been able to rent a flat, something I had always felt that the minute he did that we were doomed as he is now two+ hours drive away from me! I am doing my utmost to not put our son in any awkward positions and we had agreed we wouldnt but H doesnt seem able to adere to the rules! The note he left me was I did this, I did that and I whatever when I reread it this morning it reads ME ME ME ME AND JUST INCASE YOU DIDNT GET THAT MY DEAR WIFE ME! I have been invited out for dinner with friends tonight but friends cant always under stand what you are going through although the are fab best friends, so your support and knowledge means so much to me! xx
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/30/09 08:09 PM
Had a pleasant evening but came home to an email from him agreeing with what I had said then the punch line about me allowing him to take me off an old joint bank account so that he can have his own account which he doesnt currently have! I have noticed all his notes no longer have kisses on the bottom and he cant even write my name next to the hi at the beginning.. Think plan A is just to ignore him now as much as I can, and quite frankly I dont feel I want too as he just seems to be getting colder and colder and his replies give things he has done as if to make his choice sound better, although he did comment on what time I came in yesterday, its not really his business anyway now! Just cant afford to p*ss him off as he is the only one earning money at the moment!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 08/31/09 12:23 AM
Normal - totally normal behaviour for a WAH in my 'vast' experience!!!!!!! Here's a mantra for you "don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do"

My H stopped putting my name on anything and, when I commented that there were no kisses on emails or texts any more, that definitely was the last I got!! This is normal alien behaviour - don't forget, that is where they are right now, in alien territory.

There are experts out there who may give you better advice than me but here's my 2 cents worth:

He is emailing you right now so if you reply at all, make it polite, business like but in as few words as you can muster. No names, pet names and definitely no kisses! If the email does not warrant a response or ask for an answer, ignore it! I certainly would not be agreeing to take my name off the bank account just yet. PROTECT YOURSELF.

I know how you feel about not p*ssing him off in the name of finance - I'm there!

You are not doomed as he is living 2+ hours away, even though it may feel like it. Does it really matter where he is? He's not with you right now so it could be outer space and not feel any further - right? It's not about where he is but moreso where you are.... in your headspace.

You have to take the bitter pill of reality and people here tell it like it is - it may sound hurtful and very harsh but everyone will tell you in good faith that you have to start doing stuff for yourself and not for H. The fact that you have bought new jeans and make-up is great. The fact that you have an interview for temping jobs is even better, so you are headed in the right direction. It took me ages to work this out but the path we need to take is this -->

1) Detach - that means not worrying about H and what he is doing or not doing. Do not answer his calls, emails or texts - however tempting and if you have to in regard finance, then make it short, sweet and business-like. Not needy, not pursuing

2) Rebuild - start doing stuff for you. That means, getting a job (I know, I know!!) and putting your life back in order so that you are comfortable and secure.

3) GAL - like there is no tomorrow! Use your family and friends to do things with you. No, they won't understand and they will be hurting for you, so may say the most inappropriate things. Just explain that you are not in that position to make any hasty changes right now and that you are 'working a new theory'. Be careful what you say at this time - do not tell them about DB'ing and do not tell them anything that could get back to H.

4) Love Languages - if and when your H is ready to work with you, then you can activate the 5 Love Languages theory. You have read that, right?? If not, go get it from the library. You need to know how to fill up your love tanks!

Until you have done steps 1-3 however, you should not be doing anything other than caring about and for, yourself. H needs to see you strong, in control and moving forward - that does not mean moving on ... it just means that he can start to respect what you are doing for yourself and it may sew the seeds of doubt that he needs to jerk him out of his funk.

Do more of what works and less of what does not. If something is not working, set a time limit on it and change tack.

Keep posting here and people will give you more advice. I'm a newbie and struggling myself but the above is a summary of the advice that I have been given. It's so bl**dy hard at times and it hurts, physical pain - but if we want this, we have to be able to put up the fight and unfortunately, that mostly means that we are in it for the long haul. If H is in a MLC (is he?) then you are looking at approximately 1 month for every year that you have been together - looking at your times, that's two and a half years. A depressing thought, eh??

Don't be down about that for now. One person here reported that she had success 5 years down the track, so we can't lose faith can we?!! Just keep on looking out for yourself. Do nice things around the house, LOOK AFTER the house as well as yourself. Cut the grass, pull the weeds - he will notice these things when and if he comes by. Pay what you can toward the bills, when and if you get some work - that helps from a legal perspective, if it comes to it, later on.

Don't jump too quickly in to any response and, if you are tempted to write to H, make sure that you draft and keep it for 24hrs before you send it. You may be glad that you did!! Once things are 'said' they can not be 'unsaid' ... ! Don't write anything to H unless you post it here first - we can all give you our advice on whether or not it is a good thing to communicate - I have been stopped so many times from getting it badly wrong and I am so glad that I waited that extra time before sending messages.

So, what are your plans for today?? Post them here - it will make you go out and do them for sure - you get to feeling that you have let your DB'ers down if you don't carry forward what you have said that you will and I can attest to the fact that you will feel better for it!!

Will check on you later ...
Posted By: Changes Re: After 30 Years! - 08/31/09 08:30 AM
Hey LR... Sorry I disappeared. You ae getting great advise so far. I have found the hardest things to do in EN post is detach. It comes slowly so don't get discouraged. Good lick and I will stop back later.

I did not get to see my movie. I am going to try and se it soon.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/31/09 08:39 AM
Thanks Nel, I am sure H is having a major MLC! He has gone from being the worlds sweetest man to well as you said an alien. He was my childhood sweetheart and it is killing me to have such little contact with him when we have spoken every day for nearly thirty years, and I just cant believe he isnt missing me, but he has successfully built a brick wall to hide behind and when I see him I feel like I have chipped a brick off only for him to have successfully relaid it by the next time!

In the two and half months he was here after his announcement of "I dont love you anymore" we made love three times although the last time was purely under the statement that he had "mans needs" Im sure he loves me still but is scared to go back to being unhappy again, and has persuaded himself I am the cause of all his unhappiness, I have asked for a another chance as I told him the last thing I want is for him to be unhappy.. Ironically all the things he is doing now, losing weight, buying his own clothes, joining a rambling club are all things I encouraged him to do but he couldnt be bothered too when we were married.. The things he did start doing after his heart attack three years ago he is letting drop slowly although they are his passion!

As for me this weekend has been crappy, he spoilt my lovely day out (my fault I know) and it wasnt nice to go out have a lovely evening and come back to his email, and now today I just didnt want to get up and have another long day which is ruined by him, except the cat thought otherwise, although I have returned to my bed enjoying the luxury of surfing the net. Later I will go and ride my lovely horse and get some fresh air. I have plenty to do during the day this week its just the evenings that seem so long and are hard to fill.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 08/31/09 10:15 AM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
it is killing me to have such little contact with him when we have spoken every day for nearly thirty years, and I just cant believe he isnt missing me


Takes some believing, eh? I'm sure that all of us here can echo those words.

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
I just cant believe he isnt missing me, but he has successfully built a brick wall to hide behind and when I see him I feel like I have chipped a brick off only for him to have successfully relaid it by the next time!


DO NOT ML with your H any more! You are rewarding his bad behaviour and I know that it must be so tempting for you not to break this habit (we will do anything when we are lonesome) but do you really want to ML to a man who is behaving so badly toward you?? He may have 'man needs' but what about your 'wife needs' - like "bring back my husband and take the alien away?"!! Making you the cause of his unhappiness is again classic MLC - be reassured of that. This all sounds like it is a reactionary situation to his heart attack and he is now re-evaluating his life, after the threat of losing it. You are going to need to sit this out and be VERY patient.

So glad that you have that lovely horse to go out and keep you company! They take up so much time with all the husbandry, which will be its own Godsend right now - where do you live Rabbit ... which countryside are you dashing around? Make sure that you keep at it and, whilst it's very tempting to be in bed all afternoon surfing the net, it is much better to be out getting fresh air and working a 'to do' list.

I know that it's easier said than done and it has taken me until about two weeks ago to practise what I am now preaching - go look at my thread if you doubt what I say! I was a wreck when I first got here but my 'buddies' on this forum made me see sense and now I set myself little goals and challenges, which I publish so that I have to be able to say that "yes, I did that!" ... first one was not to go to bed until at least 4pm ... then hourly until I can mostly make it until around 7.30pm these days - it's a good day if I make it until 8pm!! You will get there too. Right now, there just doesn't seem a lot to stay up for, does there?

Now, are you seeing a counsellor and have you been for any legal advice? No, I didn't want to do either, just as you are probably thinking, if not saying! It feels that, especially to see the legal profession, you are admitting defeat. Quite the contrary. Look for you local services and find out who offers a 'free' or 'means tested' service and go ask the one crucial thing that is one your mind - just the one. It will be one less burden.

For me, that was "can my husband make me leave the home and force it's sale" - having the answer to that saved me a years worth of worrying. No, in our state, he can not - certainly not overnight in any case. You will come back with knowledge and knowledge is power. Having sample documentation proves that you have been too - my H didn't like that one little bit and he has backed off somewhat since I got such. Kind of shifts the locus of control ... if only slightly. Make that one of your goals for as soon as you think that you can manage it - try thinking about it and making an appointment for two weeks hence ... you CAN do this - it's like going to the dentist or the optometrist - that's all! Just feels weird because H won't know about it or be with you - but we will be. You have not to do anything with the information but gathering knowledge right now may give you something to do in the first instance and help you when you need it suddenly, as a bonus. I hated that people told me this but honestly, it does feel better.

OK - have to dash. Catch you later. What is your challenge (for YOU) today??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/31/09 06:28 PM
Hi Nell

Managed to pull myself together finally and went off to ride my georgous girl. She always lifts my spirits along with my darling little cat who is now so affectionate, she used to be H's baby and its one thing that makes me so angry with him, how could he be so selfish and put his happiness over hers, she doesnt understand why he is gone although when he called her last time he was up here she turned round and starting washing her bum so I think that is her thoughts on him lol.

On my drive back from the yard I started making a list of things to do this week, gardening needs doing and I need to finish clearing out the shed, there is a pile of ironing that needs catching up with and the usual household chores, told myself I wasnt going to sit down till dinner and I was going to cook something as I had been bad eating today. So I spent an hour in the garden pulling down the ivy, emptied all the bins, and filled the big bin up with rubbish from the shed, then came in and cooked myself a nice hot chicken and bacon salad, followed by berries and vanilla greek yoghurt, will go in search of a glass of wine later I think.

Tomorrow I will get on with the chores, then I have a riding lesson at lunch time, so will if time pop into the garden centre on the way back as I need to start looking at plants for the border I have stripped out, then my son and his girlfriend are coming round for dinner, so plenty to do tomorrow..

I just want to ring him up today and scream you stupid stupid man get a grip and get your ar*e back here pronto before I bash you senseless but I guess thats a no no lol

ooh your questions, we went to councelling and it was the councellor who firstly suggested that working at it was easier than divorce but then instead of trying to get H to see her side of things she then went onto to mention Trial Separation, H grabbed as a life line and was gone by the following saturday and after two weeks came back and said he still felt the same, another week the same and then this weekend I didnt see him but he said he had rented a flat, I was devasted as partly I didnt think he would get the references, he is self employed and hoped that would bring him home to me so that I could at least DB with him in situ! I so wish I had this book before then as at least he was here and I feel so out of sight out of mind now. I dont really feel I can go back as I wasnt really impressed the first time. I have two best girlfriends and one of them at least understands where I am coming from the other is just kind enough to support me what ever I do bless her, and neither of them were friends with H so its not going to get back to him. My biggest problem is my lovely twenty one year old son I dont want him to have to keep secrets from his dad but I cant be mysterious if he spills the beans on what I have been up too, so really dont know how to get round that one.

Forgot to say I am on the border of Oxfordshire which is beautiful countryside, we moved up here ten years ago but H has gone back to where we used to live as firstly he stayed with his brother then got his flat. He hated it when we left and its even more built up and horrible now but apparently according to him its wonderful not having to drive so far now to do things, he has never hated driving all the time Ive known him so I know some of thats not true I just think he is trying to put distance between us so that I cant get to him and change his mind again, well thats how I feel..

Hope you had a good day Nell x
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 08/31/09 06:31 PM
Sorry Harpo I seem to have posted over you! Thank you for taking the time to read my post, every bit of support is very much appreciated x
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/01/09 08:37 AM
Had a bit of trouble getting started this morning but not so bad now will post later how my day went.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/01/09 09:43 AM
Well done Rabbit - sounds like you are getting off to a grand start! You will be glad that you have done those chores and it will work it's way back to H - he is watching you, via your S -you can guarantee that! Make sure that the traffic getting back is very positive!

Glad too that you went for a ride with your horse. I don't know the area very well around Oxfordshire but reasonably so ... it is very beautiful. I love being at my sisters place up near Windsor whenever I get the opportunity and it's not too far away as the crow flies from you - or should that be the red kites as they are not far from the Chilterns!

My day has sucked, to be honest. I have felt much the same as you and I have been railing at my WAH in his absence! I can't understand why he can't get his butt back here and work on things and, reading over some of his emails from a month ago, he makes things sound so clear cut and plausible that anyone else would agree with him that to be ending our M is the way to go. That makes my heart ache. You just want to batter them into some sense really, don't you feel that way? You are right - that is a DB no-no even though it's very tempting!! LOL

Sounds like you didn't have the best counsellor there ... my experience is that they should listen and challenge but never offer solutions, especially one so radical as to suggest a trial separation. I think that I would go call them on that one and ask "do you realise the wheels that you have now put in motion" - probably best not to but you hate to think of that poor practitioner doing it to any other unsuspecting couple. Makes me shudder.

So, now that you have your 'list' for the week, make sure that you complete at least one task per day.

You sound as though you are coping OK today - are you feeling that way? Don't forget to post and vent your feelings here - it's safe and it's all about US - probably the only thing that is at the moment! Read widely around this site - all the information is out there and you only have to ask to get a pretty swift response! Check by my posts today for a few words of wisdom that I have shared with others in regard detaching.

Will catch you tomorrow. Have a great day - it's not even 11am for you, yet!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/01/09 08:08 PM
Well today after managing to give myself a swift boot up the bum I finally got going! Was in a pretty fragile way though, got my ironing done and checked the accounts for it to have been significantly reduced, H had managed to spent £215 on top of the £500 pounds odd of bills he had paid and there was only a bit left, I was so upset as it just made me feel that he was doing the ME ME AND ME again with little or no regard for little old me, I just wanted to hibernate but managed to pop my jods on to go off and ride madam, had a lesson today which I had been so looking forward too but now felt really low and was wondering where I was going to get the get up and go to make the most of it, madam gave me a lovely "I know you feel crap mum" nudge and reduced to me tears but good old british stiff upper lip I managed to pull it together and then go on and have a fab lesson and achieve some really good stuff.

Left the yard a little better in spirits intending to do some gardening although couldnt do the trip to the garden centre as not sufficient money! The afternoon wizzed by and just as I was about to go out it started raining so I decide to finish off the accounts.. H had lunch out with son & girlfriend, then had chinese, did shopping etc and I hadnt spent a bean, although thankfully the shopping at windsor had been a bit dull and the only thing I needed I was between sizes so still have to wait to shift a bit more weight!

Had a lovely evening with son & girlfriend and was pleasantly surprised that son cleared the kitchen up while he was waiting for the ice cream to soften bless him. On checking my email this evening, was message no one for H, dont forget its a Bank Holiday so I will probably get paid a day late.. Why didnt you think of that when you paid all the bills without asking what I needed. Second email WE seem to have spend quite a lot of money what bill have YOU paid that I dont know about..

MY REPLY
Why do you assume I have spent it all? I haven’t spent anything since Friday and only £30 today! Perhaps you should add up how much you spent on Saturday that would give you a clue! Although there does seem to be some missing still!


Maybe not the best reply but at least honest and not accusatory but I have had two glasses of wine tonight, maybe I should have waited but how dare he accuse me when Im being sensible and he is behaving like a singleton totally forgetting his wife.. I saw my sons face tonight when I said I still love him and would wait till he saw sense (maybe wrong words) but sons face said I had a long wait..

He has done it again four days in a row brought me down when I just managed to pull myself up.. Im not sure I can this anymore without losing it with him.. Advice desperately needed!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 02:46 AM
Oh Rabbit ... good that your 'madam' got you to have a good lesson, that's a positive to start off with! You are stronger than I am at the moment - I am in a real nose-dive but here's my 2 cents worth, anyhow. Don't forget, I'm a newbie here too so take bits that make sense to you and scrap the rest - I'm sure that you may find some of the other experts popping up to throw their advice in to the mix any time soon!

You are doing well. You have taken steps to look after yourself. You are getting out and about, riding, shopping and having your family to dinner. This is all great and you must continue to do so ... plus finding other things to add in that you can do at low/no cost. That's the tricky bit, I know!

I guess what strikes me most at this time is the financial situation. It's great that you are taking care of the accounts but I can relate to things getting in a pickle when there is no clear definition of who's responsibility it will now be for paying the bills.

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Why do you assume I have spent it all? I haven’t spent anything since Friday and only £30 today! Perhaps you should add up how much you spent on Saturday that would give you a clue! Although there does seem to be some missing still!


You don't have to justify yourself to your H. He has walked away and so you are doing what you want, and now need, to do. I understand that you were angry and frustrated when you made your response but that should demonstrate why it's not a good time to reply! Your comments have only served to validate his current negativity about you and that to have left you was undoubtedly the right thing to have done! You have also reflected blame in saying that there still seems to be money missing - sorry but this IS accusative!

If you continue in this vein, it will be seen as 'more of the same' behaviour - it does not work and his reponses will be negative. You will learn that to act is better than to react at times like this.

'More of the same' that does not work has be replaced and you must find a new tack. Now could be a good time to look at 180's (check the forum lists for some good advice here) and how you could do things differently - in a way that he would not expect -it will disarm him and blow the wind completely from his sails whether you see it or not!

Think now, with hindsight, about how you could have answered the email if you had not reacted. What if you could answer it again -how would your response be different? Write it down as an exercise and good practise! How could you let him know that you are shifting the balance of control in general but for your finances too? ... and I'll give you a clue: ALWAYS post your responses here before you send them... people will stop you if you are about to make a blooper!

I have learned to step back. Take a breath, make a coffee, write the response and then post it here is getting a much better reaction from my WAH than to do as I previously did. If you do not, be prepared for negative feelings to escalate. You will not be in control and you will have put yourself on a backslide, in DB'ing terms.

BE CALM - always try things out here first. Consider this as your 'routing' service that allows your post to be screened before Royal Mail/Server will allow you to send anything!!

The other thing that this does is to 'buy' some time. You may have a dozen different thoughts if you leave a response for 24hrs - how many times have you regretted your first answer in the past? Mmm, it happens, doesn't it? In waiting, you will show H that you are not there at his beck and call and it's a 180 on the usual behaviour that he is expecting to see from you. It will also make him wonder where you are and what you are up to that you haven't responded straight away ... 'reliable' wifey that you are!! No more, mate! This is about altered perceptions ... and YOU are in control of your actions and when (and if) they happen.

When you decide to respond, you are calm, controlled, friendly and business-like - a woman who is at peace with herself, a woman who is taking back the reigns of her life, a woman that can cope on her own. It is creating this air of mystery ... and it's a start to some great DB'ing! If you don't believe me, just ask other posters ...

I know that it may all sounds very unfamiliar and that's the thing that takes so long to grasp, for me it has been, anyhow! Everything that you are advised to do here feels wrong. It all feels counter-intuitive but people's advice is based on sound research, backed by Michele W-D - and for so many people, has worked like a dream. The hardest part is having faith in the techniques, having the patience to see it through and being kind enough on yourself to allow your healing to take place, which will stand you in good stead for whatever is in the future.

You may have seen it said here that we are all here for a common purpose - to mend our marriages. Most of us accept that we have a 50-50 chance of that happening. What people set out to do in advising you is to help you make a better YOU so that with or without your H in the future, you can have a better, more controlled, more healthy life for you and your loved ones.

I wish you every success with that.

Keep posting - stay around and we will ride this gymkhana together!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 02:49 AM
Here you go, Rabbit:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=53&page=1
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 08:36 AM
Thanks Nell, on hindsight I could have replied with a better answer, although the last bit wasnt accusing him rather agreeing with him! I have woken up feeling a bit better only to find in the post he has booked himself in for italian lesson, its not the lessons its the fact he is expecting to stay there longer that has hit me! and also a txt message to say there is something mysterious on our banking account, so looks like its an outside job, he plans to phone me later, I dont really want to talk to him, I have an interview this afternoon and wanted to spend the day being calm and proactive not bunched and feeling sick as a dog! This is day five in a row his actions have left me reeling!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 08:46 AM
Well I have just done a 180 of sorts, even though he has txt me about missing money, I have pretended I havent seen it yet and sent a nice email apolagising (not grovelling) for being sharp with him. Usually having blasted off I would wait for him to say sorry for winding me up.

From now on I will go back to waiting 24hrs before replying, and get my replies checked if need be!

Now the long wait to speak to him I suppose, honestly Im dreading it, going to have to dig deep and DB as hard as I can although after this mornings post it all seems pretty hopeless!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 09:15 AM
Rabbit - STOP. You are falling in to all the same traps as other newbies (and I have been there too)!!

Let's go bit by bit:

You must think before you react - that's why you now feel that you could have written a better reply! You reacted.

I saw your 'last bit' as accusing (sorry!) and he would have too - even though you say that you were agreeing with him.

Forget the Italian lessons for now ... more important things to deal with. You have to get yourself a life and he probably feels that learning Italian is GAL'ing for him ... put that one on the back burner, refocus, get your ducks in a row and we can tackle that one later. BIG LESSON ... don't worry about what H is doing, only what YOU are doing.

H is in control of finances at this time and if he is worried about unusual activity on the account, let him sort it out. Not your problem, especially when you should be focusing on your interview this afternoon (Good luck!). You do not need the extra stress. Let H sort it out and whilst he plans to call you later, "sorry but you are busy - could he call you tomorrow, instead"?? I know that you are screaming now that this is not the right thing, but it is. BELIEVE - HAVE FAITH - DETACH LOVINGLY. Go be calm, proactive and as happy as a horse, not sick as a dog!

This is day five of his reactions leaving you reeling? YOUR FAULT - don't allow his actions to do that to you. Remember, this is not about him, it's about you. You have the power to deflect his actions and if he sees you reeling, who is winning??

You have to pull things together quickly here or you are in serious jeopardy of losing control. Take back the reigns, remember that? It's all about choice - your choice. You must choose not to let H upset you and the way you do that is to put up a big red stop sign in your mind and pay heed to it. Then, breath, be calm and do not react. It's the best start. Remember your 180's .. he's expecting this behaviour from you and you are playing in to his hands. STOP NOW. I did say that it felt weird and wouldn't be easy, didn't I??!!!

OK - let me jump to post two ...
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 09:23 AM
Now I have done a big 180..

I have checked the account like I usually do (bearing in mind Im pretending not to have seen H's txt) and seen a £200 payment which is odd! Normally I would have got all upset and rang H and semi-blamed him for spending money, and then got him to sort it out! But not this time, I have rang the bank and logged it as a unrecognised transaction and they are looking into it and ringing back.

So 180* are

Not screaming at H
Not blaming H
Trusting that H has acted responsibly
Sorting it out myself

So now when he rings I can say sorry missed that txt.. but I thought it was a bit strange and as we had agreed to discuss large bills and you hadnt mentioned anything to me I thought it best to ring the bank so I could get it stopped if possible or raise a dispute.

Back to feeling chuffed with me old self again!

ETA Its actually my bank account with him as named person, he is transferring money from his company account to ours, up till now he has sorted out the money, but I have taken over apart from the few bits I have asked him to do!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 09:28 AM
Good! A 180 .. the first of many, eh?

What's not good is that you emailed an apology for being sharp! Do not justify yourself and, if you are going to detach (have I heard you right on this), then remember to be short, blunt and mysterious in any communication that you have. No more apologising, OK?!! If you feel that you have to do something like that, post here first!! Seems that you have understood that concept from now forward, however!

Glad that you are positive in your resolve to hold out. Good Rabbit ... I know that what you hear on this board may not always be what you want to hear but it is all said with kindness and only because we want us all to succeed in our end goal. We don't want you making mistakes that others have and have lived to regret. Sometimes the harsh words are those that make us sit up and listen. You need to be watching out for Gucci visiting you - you think that I am hard? Pah! He will chop you up and spit you out - but geez will you feel better when you have taken his words to heart! He will arrive at some poiont, I'm sure... make no mistake!!

Now, apart from the interview and not taking H's phone call today (oh no, you won't!!), what else have you lined up for the day??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 09:36 AM
Thanks Nell, I have done a bigger 180 go back and see! But do you think I should ignore H's call even though I have sorted it out. As otherwise he may take actions to sort it out himself, not that he can do much as the payment has been paid I have just put in a dispute..

I do find being mysterious hard work, Im really a what you see is what you get kinda girl! Although Im sure once I get the hang of it again it will be fun, almost like playing hard to get a bit in a sorty flirty way lol

Apart from interview this afternoon if the weather holds I will go see madam, might even just go give her a cuddle if its raining hard. Dug out a whole load of smaller clothes that need ironing before using so got that to do.. Always plenty to do in a big house just need to get up and do it!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 09:42 AM
OK - great! Well done on that - that's a 180 you can be proud of and it will make him see you are becoming strong, confident and independent - you DON'T need him to do the banking for you, you have now sorted it yourself!! Well done Rabbit - have a carrot!!

Now that you have that bit right, I am jumping to your last sentence where you say that you have him to do a few bits of banking for you - so, now that you are chuffed about doing what you have done in your 180, why not extend it and tell him that you will do it all for yourself. Take those reigns ... keep pulling up the slack until you are in total control. H will be wondering what is going on!

Something that's on my mind from your last post - are you opening his mail - how else would you have known about the lessons? If you are, I would advise you to stop immediately. Ask him to redirect his mail or get some alternative arrangement. I learned this one quickly. My H accused me of opening his mail, which I had not, but he straight away pointed out that it was immoral and illegal to do so! I reckon that he would have taken me to task on that, if I had done it and he could have proved it! Just a thought there for you. Also, if you don't open his mail, you can't find things that hurt you - or incriminate him. Don't be that person.

As always, these are my genuine thoughts only. Others may disagree or have other ideas to add. You must make up your own mind what is said here and do what feels right for you - just add the advice that's offered to plump up the words in DB or DR books and plan your way forward.

Remember, this is all about YOU so matters not what we think, we are purely trying to stop you falling down a rabbit hole! I have had some great pearls of wisdom cast before meo n my threads so read away, if you dare!

Good Luck for this afternoon - I truly hope that you get this job. Try to act as confidently as you can and 'act if' everything in your world is just peachy! Let us know how you get on!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 06:08 PM
Oh dear dont you hate it when life shows you what you are and not what you thought you were!

After doing my 180* this morning and then missing both H's phone calls I went off to my interview. It was with an agency regarding some temping work, and when she asked why go back to work now I explained that my H had gone and now I needed to give myself some security, but having been out of the workplace for two years I want to break myself in gently. She was very supportive and I left feeling that I wasnt so far behind in IT career as I had led myself to believe and that it was worth giving some of the jobs a go and not settling for not so well paid admin prospects.

I sat in the coffee shop feeling a little glum and decided to return home, then the penny dropped.. OMG what had I become, a needy, clinging, chicken.. Over the past few years I had turned into a klingon, that relied on my H to do everything and had lost all confidence in my ability to be a (as my friend said today) a kick ar*e woman, well she is back lol. So this afternoon I have organised my Iphone which I have wanted for ages, along with a new sim card I haggled my provider down as I am a valued customer and told them its about time I got something back.. asked about their broadband service as H wants to change it over as its cheaper still as I am already a customer. This evening I have applied for two IT contract jobs, not in the town I really want but hey its a start and if I can get a foot in the door maybe next contract can be in the town I prefer.. I really want to get into IT Project Administration, thats my ideal job as H says I can organise for england and have a great deal of common sense!

Now how to I quell this over whelming desire to ring up H and tell the "kick ar*e girl" is back.. Dont panic I know I cant.. just have to show him whilst being short, blunt and mysterious lol, that should be a challenge then.

Had a very therapeutic hour packing up all of H's clothes that he has shrunken out of, yep he is in full MLC, lost three stone, got new glasses, has signed up for italian lessons, well that might come in handy one day if I ever get him to whisper sweet nothings in my ear! But it felt good like I was packing him away too.. Had a very lazy tea a juicy bacon roll, naughty but I did enjoy it and my PMT required it. My son phoned and started talking about his dad and I politely managed to say I dont want to know that which he respected and stopped, bless him he is a good lad, just wish he wasnt in the middle of the mess.

Tomorrow, well got Chiro first thing and then I will have to find something to rejuvanate the "kick ar*e gal" mmmm what to do suggestions on a post please!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 09:15 PM
Pheewwww H phoned, and I managed to stay short, calm and definitely mysterious. Explained that I had seen an unusual payment and knowing that he would have said if it had been him lodged a dispute with the bank and was awaiting the form to reclaim the payment. I also asked that once he had paid the mortgage and checked out what was due, could he put a large sum into the bank account (he normally moves several hundered over every week) so that I could take paying everything onboard. He also asked about the other account and taking my name off it so he could use it and I replied I was still thinking about and left a big pause as in Im not done thinking about it so he had to move on to another subject.

He asked about having a computer that is upstairs and I politely said no as I had things that were on it and he would be capable of building a new one, he immediately said I know its my problem, and I replied politely please dont put words in my mouth I didnt say that!

He asked what I had been doing and all he got was "keeping busy there is always lots to do" although I did mention I had sorted out a new phone and whilst on there had asked about the broadband which he wanted to change to, so will go ahead with that.

I didnt ask anything about when he was moving in or how he was, or how was work, although he did say he was at work, (usually when he is at work late bearing in mind he has been there since 7.30am he is tired and fed up) I asked if he was still going to look after the cat when I went away for the weekend at the end of September or should I put her in the cattery.. Apparently he will as he has a firing turn ( he fires steam trains for a hobby) early on the saturday, he mentioned he didnt know when he would come up.. big pause.. as if he was waiting for me to scream come stay here my love he was mistaken.. and neither did I ask him if he was coming up on saturday even though my heart was desperate to say so! He said that of course we would be in touch before then, and I said well that is up to you! His parting words were for me to take care of myself, my reply was that I am sure I am quite capable of that.. and there it ended..

My 180*s

Not to be needy
Not to want to know every aspect of his life
To remain calm and confident
To say No politely (instead of losing it) to what I wanted
To sound as if I am coping
(not falling apart which tbh even my son thought I would take to my bed and mope and bless him he said he was proud of me for not doing so)but I am coping intermitantly but H doesnt know that..

I know he will have found it very strange not to hear that I love him lets face it he has heard it nearly every day for nearly thirty years and what ever he wants of his life now I know that has got to hurt him, as under all this MLC he is genuinely I believe still my dear kind lovely husband! One can only hope cant they!
Posted By: LookingFrAnswers Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 09:38 PM
L R,
You are an inspiration! I am separated after only 11, not 30 yrs. of marriage but I truly feel like you, how can this be, after all that time together, doesn't he miss me etc? For only being separated a month you are doing a TREMENDOUS job of DBing in my humble opinion. I will check in on your thread for inspiration & know you have my support - though you are so strong. Your 180 list looks really good & hope you don't mind if I borrow from it! GREAT JOB! Also Eskimo, your input is right on target & I need to hear those reminders. Thank you for the strength & wishing you the best,
LFA
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 10:09 PM
LFA you are too kind! We have only been married for twenty three years but I met him when I was sixteen and knew from that moment he was the love of my life, so in all I feel as if I have been married for nearly thirty years.. Its kind of you to say I am an inspiration, when in truth I found DB because I knew that what I had been doing wasnt working.. I am a 100% trying to do a 180* on more of the same.. Please god my only hope is that it will work. My H is now two hours away from me as he has moved back to where we used to live ten years ago.. Ironically I feel like I am competing with another county for his affection, as all I get is "its so easy to do things here" but I just keep reminding myself he hated it ten years ago and it most definately has got worse.. I havent like to post much on most peoples sitch as they seem to have folks that have been inputing for a long time and I feel like I am intruding! Nell has been kind enough to adopt me and even though we have only known each other a few days I feel like I have known her for years.. I will try and find a post of yours and pop in if you dont mind LFA x
Posted By: LookingFrAnswers Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 10:41 PM
Ooops, I meant 23 - did read that in your 1st post - but still! More than twice as long as me. You are really doing great. What you said about remembering the kick a** woman you used to be, I loved it! Gave me lots to think about... I don't often post on a lot of other people's threads, just those who post on mine usually - unless I read something that really speaks to me, like yours! Though I am still a newbie I don't think most people will feel you're intruding, most have been very open & caring. I think you'll find a lot of support.

Sure, stop over on my thread - it's called Scared & looking for advice. I can get a little wordy though :-) so hope you don't mind slogging through it! But can sure use all the insight I can get. Keep up your great efforts & I'll stop back too - even though I may not have answers you'll always have my support! x LFA
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/02/09 11:41 PM
Adopted Rabbit!!!!
Thank you for brightening my day before it has even started! I am still chuckling that you feel that you have been adopted by me but that's more than fine, just gives me another purpose in life!

I could not be more proud of the way you are handling things at the moment - I am in awe of you! One word of warning has to be handed out though and that is - beware the crash, for it will come I am afraid! You may then even retreat to moping in bed for a day or two - most of us have done it and I know that I do it frequently! It's the roller coaster effect or the wave, that you may have read about here.

Not to dampen you though, you most certainly have that kick a**e spirit for now and you must use it to your full advantage. Plenty more of 'missing phone calls' and saying a polite no will make your H start to wonder what is going on! I like that you have paused before answering and it's even good to say "I can't answer that right now but I will give it some thought and get back to you" ... it's not a yes, it's not a no but it puts across the message that you are no push-over and it starts to command some respect. See it out.

Now, there were one or two things that I wanted to pick you up on so let me go back:

1) "I asked if he was still going to look after the cat when I went away for the weekend at the end of September or should I put her in the cattery.." Don't ask this of H. I did the same twice and twice I was sorry that I had. It's asking them to come back in to the home that they have run away from and it's asking to 'control' them for a weekend. They don't like it, they are scared and it feels like they are being herded back in to the fold. It makes them feel vulnerable again and H will resent you for making him feel that way. It also takes away your good efforts at showing your independence. You have a cattery that you use? Then use it!! He has left your home, he has left your cats. Harsh words but you are ready for them.

2) "Had a very therapeutic hour packing up all of H's clothes that he has shrunken out of" - done this too! It is therapeutic but the therapy only lasts a little while and it means that now H doesn't have the opportunity to pack his own 'dirty laundry' - why is that our job? If he wanted to leave, he should be cleaning up the mess that he is leaving behind him. Don't pack anymore! Sure if you want to gather things all together so that you don't have to be falling over stuff, then do so but don't make it easy for him to erase his life from your home. Get some boxes, put it all in there and then close the door on it. When he comes back to get his stuff, it will make him think.

Out of all the stuff that you wrote in your last two posts, that is all I can pick you up on and I reckon that you should go to the top of the class for being so quick to pick up on this DB'ing so fast! A+ Student!

The things that I really liked were that you have ordered your new iPhone, got out there and decided what job you are after, worked out that you have become a klingon (!), done some great 180's, held your tongue on ILY speech [that is so hard when it's been our vocabulary for all these years], didn't invite him to stay for his firing Saturday, told him that you were capable of looking after yourself (!!) and most of all, you handled the conversation with your S so very well, which he appears to have respected. Rabbit - you are bounding along!

I'm glad to see that LFA has also dropped by. Keep up that contact too. The more the merrier in so many ways, you only have limited perspective otherwise and it's good to get more than one opinion. Be careful though as there are one or two unscrupulous people here who purely have their own agendas, so keep your own counsel and do what YOU feel is right.

Will check in again this evening - you should be in bed now as my day is just starting. Marvellous start Rabbit ... you will be standing in the guru's shoes before long, I just know it!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 10:27 AM
Well jumped up feeling good this morning and headed off to the chiro. My chiro is lovely she is actually more like a freind I go to see every eight weeks for a chat whilst she bashes the kinks out of my body that I have built up riding madam! It was good to be greeted with "you really have lost lots of weight now" and "you look good" really did my PMA a power of good. I started trying to lose the weight I had put on when ill, back in Feb 09 and Im now just about back to my normal weight and happily sitting here in a pair of size ten jeans. Need to sort out some work clothes got a few bits from before but my wardrobe certainly needs updating as I have held off knowing I wanted to drop another size. Also need some new riding breeches as Im fed up of having a baggy bottom every time I ride, very Nora Batty lol. Unfortunately the ones I want are very expensive so will have to hang on till I can buy them myself.

Nell and LFA thanks for popping in, it gives me a purpose several times during the day to check and see how you are getting on and also that you are in similar sitch helps, my chiro asked me this morning why it has become so popular for WAS these day, and I said because everything has become throw away able now so marriages/relationships can be dumped without question! I told her about the book and she was really interested especially as I said it was a good book to read even if you thought your marriage was happy as it was so insiteful on how relationships do/dont work..

Now to answers for Nell!

H had already sorted out what he didnt want and put it to one side in the wardrobe, as I have clothes I have shrunk out of I said I would put them in the "sally army" bag when it came round again. If he wants things to take with him he can blooming well fetch and pack them himself, want him to have the full effect of seeing his empty wardrobe lol.

The cat sitting he had said he would do it several weeks ago, but I wanted to check he was still doing it as I she has never been in before so if I was going to do it I would like to have taken her for a day to let her get used to it first. But I asked purely for her sake not mine, and the bonus was I got another 180* as a freebie lol

Ok now I carry on GAL and being Kick Ar*s until the next wave, cant say I am looking forward to, but heyho if I keep DB'ing the next one wont hit so hard if Im lucky..

Will pop in later and update with the rest of the day, take care all x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 10:55 AM
Hey Rabbit - gotta go out and so don't have time to answer right now but will be back in the morning! Hang on in there :o)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 04:42 PM
The morning seemed to go so fast, but knowing how slow the evenings go I went out again. We have a nice garden centre and around it is several outlet stores so I bought myself a new handbag, not really a handbag/shoe sorta girl but its seems to have sprouted wings since H went as I feel I want to be more girlie, another 180* its a bright leafy/limey green... H hates green and normally even though I would love green I wouldnt buy it as he wouldnt of liked it.. Today my brain screamed NO NO NO I AM HAVING GREEN and my heart said if he comes back he will just have to learn to live with it lol! Basically I should have been think I want a green bag but heyho got halfway there at least. Struggled this afternoon I am tired and my back is sore from chiro.

My Iphone arrived and its now on charge awaiting the new sim card, and I read the manual with my glasses on, ooh that was a 180* from last week I stopped struggling and bought a pair of reading glasses, will get an opticians appointment as soon as I have a job and get my eyes checked properly. And went online to read all about my phone, the last two I have had the same as my son got him to show me the basics and never looked any further.

So just as I was expecting to settle down to an evening on my own, my son phones and says hi mum guess what Im on my way home, girlfriend is off out for the night so he thought he'd pop by and see if he could scrounge some tea, cheeky so and so but Im pleased to see him, and it will be nice to cook for someone, and of course I can compare phones with him this time lol.

My new book arrived today the five languages of love, although Im re-reading DR and bought a notebook to use this time around. I have refound my love of reading now I can see with my glasses on, and also today I bought a little cross stitch project, it has a kitten on a rope on it and its says "keep hanging on" very appropriate for the sitch I believe.

Whilst out shopping I went past the tropical fish store, H really wanted a fishtank and I always had said no as he was away so often and it would have been ending up cleaning it, one half of me said "he can have a fish instead of a wife now" no much of a trade in the scheme of things, but one half what the heck why did I kick up so much over a fish.

So all in all I have swung from cheesed off to kickar*e back and forth today, just hope I can go to bed as kicka*se tonight fingers crossed.. Hope all of you have a good day tomorrow x
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 06:58 PM
Need help folks, Im sat here in tears again, my son has popped round and in his wisdom decided to try and make me see the light.. he is twenty one and has staying at his girlfriends house whilst she is home from uni, but comes home on monday.. obviously he is talking to his dad and more often than me, he doesnt get that I dont want to know what H is doing and is trying to make me see for my healing that I have to accept that my marriage is over and that H is not coming back, he is going to visit him next weekend so thats already dropped the information into my world that Im not going to see H next weekend as well.. I am distraught I love this man so much and he has just dropped out of my world completely. What do I do my son wants to come home but I cant cope with his "sh*t happens" attitude and "im not keeping secrets from you" attitude.. please folks I need advice how to handle all of this as Im not going to be able to hold it together if he carries on sabotaging me at every step!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 07:26 PM
Please some one give me some advice I am so trying not to ring H and ask him what he has been saying to our son as it seems he knows more than I do.. I am desperate to get my husband back home with me, but feel so hopeless at the moment!
Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 07:47 PM
Hi Lost!

Can you set some boundaries with your son?
Tell him, you don't need or want to know, that it's hurtful, and that he's going to have to figure out how to navigate this being respectful to both of you. The R is your business.

Tell him you are working on yourself. Whatever happens, you are taking care of yourself. He doesn't have to know what your goals and desires are, you don't have to make this known. Just tell him you need him to be supportive as you get through this, and tell him what the boundaries are.

That's just my $0.02
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 07:51 PM
Thats exactly what I tried to do Bill, but he seems to think he cant do that! but I cant have him do it to me all the time.. Im never going to keep myself afloat if he is doing the "i know what you dont know" all the time.. Just in pieces the one person I need to talk to so much I cant as it will screw up all my DB'ing..
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 08:03 PM
Would it really be that bad if I phone my H to talk to him!
Posted By: MrBond Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 08:11 PM
Yes!

Do not call him.

If you want to talk to your son, go ahead and do that. But remember that he is still young and doesn't understand what it takes to be in a M. Have you gone out and done things for yourself?

If your son has been talking to your H, then the channel goes both ways. Let your son tell your H that you are happy and outgoing. Detach now or else it's going to eat you up.

Does he have OW?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 08:20 PM
I have been out and about GAL and done a few 180's this week, I managed to have a good conversation with H last night but now S has come home I feel like there is a whole lot going on that Im not party too and yes it is eating me up as I feel that S knows all that H is going to do to me.. I love my S to bits but as an only child he does try and stir between me and H, and he has already said he is going to get his moneys worth outta of his dad.
As far as I now there is no OW but every day I wonder if there is.. S's parting line was you would never forgive me if I didnt tell you if dad was planning to sh*t on you from a great height.. The H I know and love would never do that to me, but now I just dont know.. I almost want to phone him to show him I have faith in him and hope that its just S using his wooden spoon too much!
Wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up to face this horrible mess again tomorrow morning!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 09:09 PM
Went and listened to his message on the ansaphone just wanted to hear his voice, that seemed to soothe my soul a bit and I was able to have a bit of a cry, interupted by a mate txting me so managed to pull myself together a bit again.. Need my bed now sleep used to solve everything for me, H even complained before he left he didnt know how I could have a row and go to sleep when he was left awake stewing.. hence my user name, my dad used to say I was like a little rabbit in a hole when I got scared I would hide in my bed and not come out.. so far managed not to do that but the bed is looking pretty inviting I must say!
Posted By: MrBond Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 09:16 PM
You get tired when you get depressed. My W does the same thing. Only problem is that when you do that, the problem is still there in the morning.

Start weening yourself off your H. Stop talking to him. Stop it right now. You have become extremely co-dependent on his actions. Even when your son makes mention of something you are hanging on every word that deals with your H.

When you GAL, you detach. Live your life first. Your well-being is your first priority Stop being the Lost Rabbit and be the Wolf instead. Independent, alive and taking care of your needs.

Let's face it. Your H is not there and he may never come back. Are you going to hinge your happiness on his actions? Are you willing to live like a puppet dancing to his moods?

Of course not. GAL for you. Not to get your mind of the sitch, but because it makes you feel good. And that's something many of us haven't been able to do in awhile. Feel Good about ourselves.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 09:30 PM
Thank you Stuck I needed a good earwiggin! I dont/havent contacted my H at all I leave it to him to phone me or contact me, which at the moment seems to be about once a week, I managed to stay calm, confident and mysterious and felt I did well on my last conversation with him.. I can cope most of the time with what he tells me and I dont ask to much about what he is doing as I dont want to know about his new accomadation, interests etc..What throws me is when my S intermates that he knows more than I do and that more doom and gloom is heading my way than H is telling me.. My son has a very matter of fact attitude and well me I have realised I am a panicker.. that is one of my 180's not to panic, and even though I lost it on here I DIDNT phone my H for support.. I just need a good way to deal with my S, as I dont want to upset/offend him but he has to know I dont want to know information from him about his dad. Or is there a better way of saying "im pleased to here dad is doing well, but that is something I am discussing with him so pleased dont get involved" Anyway really I am off to bed now thanks for all the advice much appreciated.
Posted By: MrBond Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 09:35 PM
God bless you for a restfull sleep.

Just one more thing to add. When your H calls you, do not answer his phone call. Act as if you were out and didn't realize he called. As hard as it is, don't do it. Show him you are standing and living on your own.

I have a suspicion that he has OW and that is what your son is not telling you. Although I find it quite immature that your son is playing this game with you. He should either tell you what he knows or not say anything out of respect to you.

Remember...DO NOT talk to your H!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 11:00 PM
Hey Rabbit
Oh (((hugs))) for you. Look, like most of us go through, you have hit a down trough. You were riding high on the crest of the wave and now you have crashed - normal, expected.

Stuck is right, I'm afraid. You must hang in there, continue to do as you have been - it's early days and you are so new to DB'ing - you have done so well, so quickly. The plain truth is, none of us know if our WAS will come home and so, facing that truth and despite what your son professes to know, what's the worse that could happen? The worse, in my mind, you have already faced as H has left. Just as you had no control over that happening, you have no control over when or even if H will come back. It's what LBS deal with each day - the reality is, we have to get tough to that and learn to deal ... it's so damned hard and some days are harder than others but that's our lives now and we have no choice - we must march forward with hope and faith in our hearts that one day, things will be different. Maybe they will, maybe they won't but we have to use the interim time to make us the best person that we can be. For us.

Not having kids, I don't know how to advise on your S's behaviour right now, although I'm wondering how he would feel if the tables were turned. Have you told him that you find his comments hurtful and that he is damaging the small repairs that you are making? Sounds like he's not quite on his father's side if he's going to 'get his moneys worth' - hopefully he will not take 'sides' at all but he needs to understand that his role right now should be to support you and not be acting as a 'go between' and the harbinger of doom and gloom. Also, I wonder why your H is telling your S that there's more sh*t coming down ... maybe you could work off the fact that we are all facing sh*t from our Ss all the time and so just prepare yourself daily for what might or might not be thrown at you.

The trouble with all of this is that it is all so very waring - the stress from the whole situation is 'depressing' and stressful but I don't think that you are clinically depressed at this time - be careful and know the difference. If you are not sure, google 'clinical depression' and make sure that you do know. If you display symptoms, get help quickly - if you then believe that you are depressed, don't let it take route. However, I reckon you are on safe ground at the moment.

Glad that you have a new green bag which to house your iPhone in! That's gonna make you feel good when you are out and about! Treating ourselves at this time is important, whatever we can afford, as it's good for our own self-esteem.

I'm glad that others have started visiting your board as you will get a better perspective. Sorry that I wasn't here last night but I got invited out for coffee and didn't get back until fairly late or I would have picked up your current sadness. You will be in bed now as my day is just starting but apart from my interview this morning, I will be around later today, when you get up. We can chat then.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/03/09 11:12 PM
Rabbit
Again, I have to (sadly) agree with Stuck. The fact that there is a distinct possibility that there is an ow in the picture has to be faced. It's (again) what most of us here are facing, even if at first it does not appear to be that way.

If anyone ever told me my H would have an ow, I would have called them a liar. I NEVER EVER believed that he would have done such a thing as he always told me that if I had an OM, he would shoot me first and then track down OM and kill him. That's how strongly he felt about fidelity and infidelity.

I'm just erring on the side of caution here but I do think that it would pay dividends to prepare yourself that it could be a possibility. If you are ready for it, you won't get blindsided when, and if, H drops the bomb. Your reaction will be well thought out and that will blindside him!

Blokes are still immature well into their twenties (and some in their thirties), for my ten bobs worth! Again, I think that to sit your son down for a heart-to-heart will be the best that you can do right now. If he doesn't know how much his words are hurting you, then maybe offering him the scenario in which his GF leaves him and you play his current role may make him understand. This is not about him though, it's about you and H - your S is a man who no longer lives at home (right?) and he should be respecting your privacy and stay out of it. You know him best and only you will work out a way of getting this across to him.

Good luck - will check in with you later.
Posted By: LookingFrAnswers Re: After 30 Years! - 09/04/09 12:59 AM
HI L R,
I did the same thing you did today LR! I am going to be on an overnight retreat for work next Thurs. & Fri. & I asked H if he could stay with the dogs. THe kennel is really expensive though esp. for both of them, but EN you have a point. But it really does me a favor, and they are partly his responsibility too.

And similarly, H left a bunch of clothes, tools, all kinds of stuff here too - it's been 5 months now! I am sick of looking at it, but I was too heartbroken to deal with it. I like the box solution. WHy should I have to look at his crap all the time?

And I think we must be on the same wavelength LR, about your comment "my chiro asked me this morning why it has become so popular for WAS these day, and I said because everything has become throw away able now so marriages/relationships can be dumped without question!"

I had this thought today too! Had appt. with my IC, and afterward was just thinking I don't think my wedding vows mean very much to too many people, except to me. OBviously not to H but so many people, inclduing his C have the attitude that oh well, you're not happy, guess you should just trash it. You're right, that's what most people do!

I'll stop ranting now! :-) But kind of amazing that we had 3 similar experiences today. Interesting! Sounds like you are doing great, taking care of yourself, keeping busy, keep it up. Here in the states it will be Labor Day weekend & I am trying to fill it up w stuff to do so I don't get down over the 3 day wkend. I'm sure I'll be checking in though! Hope you both get some rest.
LFA
Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: After 30 Years! - 09/04/09 05:46 AM
Originally Posted By: LookingFrAnswers
I had this thought today too! Had appt. with my IC, and afterward was just thinking I don't think my wedding vows mean very much to too many people, except to me. OBviously not to H but so many people, inclduing his C have the attitude that oh well, you're not happy, guess you should just trash it. You're right, that's what most people do!


Yeah, what's up with that?

First time I went through this, that was one of the thoughts I kept in my head. I made a commitment. I don't know what YOU'RE (meaning W) thinking, but I commited to the M and I meant it. That's all there is to it.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/04/09 08:01 AM
Yes ... just because our car may not start from time to time, does that mean that we throw it away and get another one ...??

I've thought much the same too - we hear so often that we live in a disposable society but I always thought it meant McWrappers and plastic water bottles ... time for a re-think, it would seem.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/04/09 08:23 AM
Morning all, yep just got up here managed a lie in this morning much needed as I woke up at 4am and struggled to get back to sleep. H suffered/s with insomnia and now it seems do I despite the tablets. Nothing much planned for today although I will go and ride madam as she has had two days off!

S is moving back home on sunday, he has been stopping over his girlfriends during the summer as she hasnt access to a car. He did say that also he didnt want to deal with me, but he wouldnt have to if he stopped what he was doing got his own life and left me to GAL as best as I can, obviously he will be at work all day and hopefully soon will I. He and I have always knocked heads together as we are so alike, but on the other hand we are as thick as thieves, he still phones me first when he leaves work then his girlfriend which always makes me smile. I know he feels the loss of his dad as much as me.

Nel I am so pleased to hear you were out GAL and LFA it is good you have work to go to, wish I had something more, before H and S went wandering it used to take me all day to sort out the washing, clean the house and pop and ride madam, now the day seem so long. The annoying thing is I used to have a job which got me down a bit after five years so I left to be a homemaker again as agreed with H, but if his story of how he has been so miserable for about eight years is anywhere near true, he should have at least said something about getting a different job and then now I wouldnt have been stuck here everyday looking glum.

Anyway upwards and onwards off to see what you all have been doing!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/04/09 08:38 AM
Oh Rabbit - that's good news that your S is moving home ... I hope! At least it will be good company for you, especially if his GF is around ... do you get on with her? I hate anyone to be lonely ... the feeling is far too hideous and I can't bear that I am feeling it myself. For the short time that I can spend with 'friends', it makes me feel so different.

Yes, last night was OK - it was only coffee and a chat but it broke a few hours and by the time I had watched Corrie and Emmerdale when I got home, I was more than ready for sleep. This is where I repeat for no-one to tell me what is happening in either of the soaps as we are still so far behind the UK, here in Oz!! Love it - my heritage!! I would seriously curl up and die if it weren't for my nightly dose of those (excepting for Saturdays as Foxtel don't allow it on that night)!!

So, you are sounding hopeful of a good outcome from your interview? How did it go and when will you know the outcome? I know that everyone dislikes being at work and we all moan about it but gee, we all NEED to be there right now! I so relate Rabbit, to what you are saying about having given up work. I would never have done that if I knew the H-bomb was on it's way ... I was earning some pretty good money in my last position and I could use that right now - as much as everything else.

Glad that you had a good sleep - it's not quite the same when it's broken but at least if you can drop back off, it helps. Hopefully it's a lovely day there with you (!!) and you can go give madam a good work out ... who does she think she is loafing around for two days with no saddle on her back?!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/04/09 08:33 PM
Not a bad day in parts. One of the yard staff asked me to decide which rugs I wanted to keep down there for madam and I nearly lost it, its ridiculous its just rugs but it just felt one too many pressures, but I would seriously have upset yard staff if he thought he had upset me, so I bit my lip and did my best.

Was quite a relief that I am waiting for my new sim card to connect as I havent checked for txts all day, just to see if its connected yet. I think I have managed to connect it to Itunes ok but its merrily synchronising now so I will still have to wait.. Cant wait to play with it..

Checked house ansaphone, H's message is still on it, I cant bring myself to delete this one, I did delete the other one, but as I doubt I am gonna hear his voice for at least another week or two I have left it there for the time being, hopefully one day I will be annoyed enough to delete it.

Managed to have two conversations with S tonight and didnt get involved with any about H, if he could keep to that it would make life so much easier for me, his girlfriend J was with him tonight, she is lovely and several times has asked him to back off, or told him off for upsetting me, she is a smashing lass bless her think she is going to be a keeper. But she is back at uni and S will visit her at the weekend. So it will back to having him around mon-thur and weekends to myself.

The green bag made me smile several times today, its such a jolly colour and with winter drawing in we need as much cheeriness as we can muster. Off riding out in the park tomorrow with my friend and her horse, madam will enjoy a blast across the fields and it will be good to blow the cobwebs out of my hair too.. Speaking of which I must get it cut next week, although I did get both Dr/Nurse app booked for next week. Thats the best thing I think is just to keep busy.

Best Wishes to you all x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/05/09 08:02 AM
Well done Rabbit ... way to go!

It's hard when people ask you to make a small decision and it feels mammoth to you. I remember the guy at the airport asking me to take out the laptop, turn it on and then repack it, 5 days after the H-bomb had dropped and I was running back to the UK. I almost lost it ... he was really good with me, as were all the travel related staff in fact. I told them I had had bad news and was on my way home to sort stuff, couldn't bring myself to say that my husband had binned me off. We get by.

Hope that you have had fun with your phone! That's killed a few hours, I'm sure. H wanted me to pay my own phone bill this month but I said no as it was a Christmas gift and I won't pay it until my contract expires! Not a happy bunny on that one but then said "it comes out of the joint anyhow" - which kind of acknowledges that I do put money in, when I have earned some! Confusing - but that's them .. away in alien territory!

Wish that I was coming for a canter in the park - I used to love it so much! Leave the green bag at home tomorrow though, won't you?!!

Yes, catching up on medical appointments is a positive thing to kill time and to be pro-active for yourself. I had it all done the other week!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/05/09 08:23 AM
Well Im up, woke up with a very sick feeling, I think the thoughts of H having a OW is playing on my mind, spose Im gonna have to face it some time even if he doesnt have one now.

Quite chuffed with myself about the phone, I know its seems a little thing but normally I would have panicked and rang either H/S and asked for help. But no I put it on ITunes yesterday then went to turn it off and on and it had got stuck, could feel the palpitations starting but thought NO first I will go online and see what I can find on the Apple site and if all else fails either someone on my horse forum/divorce forum will know what to do, but surprise surprise I found out what to do and also reset it using ITunes, it appears to up and running now as I have had a couple of set up txts.. Thats the one thing I miss H used to txt me to say he was coming home and some times during the day, S's job doesnt allow him to use his during working time. My phone does seem so quiet these days.

Anyway will get some chores done and go see madam. Nell I wish I could take you for a canter across the park as I know how good it would make you feel, well after you felt sick before doing it lol. Maybe one day eh, it does seem so strange that we were so near to each other for a while and didnt even know we were going to become friends. Well will pop by later!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/05/09 08:36 AM
Well done iRabbit ... I've temporarily changed your name in honour of you being so clever!

Yes, those little things are the ones that screw us up, aren't they? They always seem bigger than they are but we just need to do exactly as you said - try for ourselves but otherwise shout out to those who can and WILL be here to help us. That's why I thought opening that new thread that you may have seen for URGENT POSTS may be a good thing ... people may get help faster than waiting for the so-called 'lurkers'.

Anyhow, you did good and so you should be feeling proud of yourself.

I too have noticed the phone is much quieter at home, as well as my cellphone. My mail has become almost non-existent, though H swears that he has not had his mail redirected for the very reason that most of our stuff is in joint names. I know that we used to have more than we do now! Weird. I also know that he would never with-hold my mail from me, so that's not a concern.

Now, the thought of ow is never a good one but it's one that most of us have had to face. How we deal with it is the important thing. I think that, before you go making yourself ill, you should find out the facts of whether or not there is an ow. Have you thought about any ways in which you could find out? This is key to how you handle the situation with H in the future, IMHO.

Let's go from there and then hopefully those who are more knowledgable can drop in to assist you in building a strategy from there.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/05/09 11:13 PM
Finally got my bum in gear and did a whole pile of ironing, one of the good things is now its only mine it gets done so quick. Did a whole pile of the smaller tops I had dug out the other day so should a job appear some time at least my first few days of clothes are ready to be used! Although I will have to buy some more as currently only have enough for about three days.

Went and took madam out for a hack, she is such fun bless her, two fantastic blasts one along a little path so she had to chase her best friend the ex-racehorse, its when she keeps up with him and he did win medals I realise how fast my girlie can go! Then a bit of stubble bashing and she was first this time and we hit the excellerator pedal and weeeeee what a blast!

Met my friend down the yard didnt realise she was having a riding lesson today, so arranged for her to meet me back at my house, we were going to have chinese but opted for going out instead, of which we have only just crawled back in, second very late night in a row, but at least I am GAL. Meeting up the yard to do a jumping session tomorrow, madam will love that its her fav treat.

Need to try and eat a bit better this week, not eating much then when I do stomach gets upset about it. Have now lost two and half stone although none of the credit goes to H as I had started before he became a pain! BTW Nell PITA is short for Pain in the Bottom, work the last word out for yourself lol!

Well cat and I are tucked up in bed, in fact cat got here before me bless her. Bless my two girlies as they certain are a treasure both in their unique furry way. Off to catch up quick hope all of you passing by are well and have enjoyed your saturday busy GAL x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/06/09 04:06 AM
You are off to an amazing start Rabbit ... you certainly HAL, never mind GAL! I am very jealous but so happy for you!

I totally relate on the eating front. I must try better next week too. I am eating rubbish, except that I do try to have a good breakfast, containing cereal and fruits. After that, it's whatever I can dig out of the cupboard, fridge or freezer that takes no thought, preparation or any oven cooking. I find that sitting at the table is a really sad scenario alone, never been much into eating infront of the telly and so most of my meals are here at my ever-constant friend, the computer!

I see that you were on your computer in bed ... the temptation to go out and buy a new laptop with my tax refund is enormous but then, I don't think that I would ever get up, so maybe not the best of ideas for me right at this stage!

Can't wait for today to end ... it's wet and miserable and I am still fighting with my internal thoughts and external actions!

Will drop by later ... oh and thanks for explaining PITA!! Should have been able to work that one out really - ha!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/06/09 08:02 AM
Here we go again yet another day to fill! I long for the first morning that I wake up and the sick panic'd feeling of missing/losing/mislaying H isnt the first thing I feel.. Wonder how long that one is going take. Am beginning to come to terms with the fact there is highly likely another woman, I have no proof there is but it seems that as 90% of them do and he was talking to someone on msn and would never add me to FB, telling me he was talking to his old secretary who I wouldnt like him talking to (long story will tell it one day) and certainly S wouldnt be so supportive of his dad, well I dont think he would! But I suppose the sooner I face the fear of that sentance "there is someone else" perhaps it will minimise my reaction on the phone! Well thats if he ever phones me as Im not going to pursue him in any way shape or form.. That is what hurts me the most how can I be so instantly forgettable and un-needed.. But I bet Im not he is probably stringing himself some line to persuade himself he is doing the right thing! Quick coffee for me and off to jump madam, will try and catch up at lunchtime!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/06/09 09:08 AM
Yes Rabbit - it's a long day to fill but just imagine if you didn't have madam!!

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
I wake up and the sick panic'd feeling of missing/losing/mislaying H isnt the first thing I feel


I echo that statement as it's just so succinct sick.

Even though I don't know how to answer your query over ow, I think that it's healthy that you are facing it and trying to form a sentence for if and when the phone call comes. You will be prepared for his comments but he won't be prepared for yours! You are doing so well.

Yes, they do string themselves some lines and yes, they do reiterate stuff, trying to affirm that what they are doing is right. Remember the 'believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do' quotation.

You feeling that you are instantly forgettable is how most WAS's feel, I'm sure. I know that it's what I am struggling with right now. They are off on their elastic band and spending time in their caves, if you know the Mars/Venus theory?? Let him go ... remember that time is on our side - they have to come back to talk to us at some stage, even if it's to discuss the practicalities. Both you and I are there! We have this time as our only advantage, as I see it right now. So, what we do with that is very important ... this is why we need to GAL and detach. This is why we need to show them that we are standing on our own two feet (four in yours and madams case)!! This is why I am really planning this trip to Hong Kong and I am becoming less afeared of H's reaction every second that is left in this day! wink

Don't brood on another thing. Gather up and go get madam and work her hard today ... check in later, if you can! grin
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/06/09 02:14 PM
Back home again, rather tired it really will have to be an early night for me tonight! I cant burn the candle at both ends so if Im not eating properly at least I need to sleep properly.

Had a fab time with madam, went flying over fences with great gusto bless her. She really has been fantastic this summer and taken her mum to new and higher riding skills, the only down side is getting in the car and realising I cant ring H and say "hey guess what we did" Bit of a joke really as one of his last emails during his trial two weeks separation, he said he would never not want to hear or know what madam and I were up too, funny how he didnt ask after either madam or moggly the last time he called.

Oh well will have a nice shower later and make myself look nice and sit and relax, need to get on re-reading DR again so I can absorb some more useful knowledge and techniques. Its rather amusing really as I quite enjoy getting dressed up and putting perfume on now, and of course behaving slightly flirtish, yesterday I put on my new pretty black underwear and my thoughts as I looked in the mirror was "your loss H" although I couldnt think of anyone else seeing me like that, that is so a long long way off, Im not sure I can even contemplate being with someone else.. There is still too much love in situ for H, although I have come to terms with the fact that what ever happens he will have to love the new me not the old me which might take some getting used to! Oh well of to see how you are all doing! x
Posted By: Kalni Re: After 30 Years! - 09/06/09 09:36 PM
irabbit,
hello!! Your madame sounds fantastic... I read somewhere you lost 2,5 months in the beginning doing things you shouldnt. We all did in the beginning. DBing is going against your natural instict to beg and plead and reason with the person that has been your partner in life for years, hoping she/he will respond. When we finally see we are not geting anywhere that's where we turn to "alternative medicin". To me it seems you are doing great now. I was smiling thinking of you looking at yourself with your nice undies and thinking it's loss... A small thing like that shows how well you are doing.

OW... I was getting upset reading some of the old guys posts here in the beginning immediately concluding there must be another person, almost to all newcomers... Well, not anymore. I knew something was up with my stbxh, chose to ignore "her" and focus on me and our interactions. It did work. It did. After 3-4 months I think I was making so much progress... There were times I was thinking "there cant be another woman!". My gut was telling me something was off. He did a great job gaslighting me (i think that's what you call it). A month ago, I found out the truth about my H's double life.
Why am I saying this? First of all, 99% there is an OP. BUT, DBing can work even then. It did for me to the point he said he wanted back a year later and "tried to reconcil some". To the point that she was pleading and begging. The result is not a happy ending for me. But we never know how things will turn out. If there is an affair,well, then you will need a lot of patience.
In the meantime, live your life the best way you can. And have fun. Somehow, they all notice even in cases when there is little contact.
Time is a relevant thing on these boards. Use it wisely by making yourself happy. (At some point, dating included. Although I am Greek, dont like Penelope-LOL)
K
Posted By: Kalni Re: After 30 Years! - 09/06/09 09:37 PM
stxH gave me an Ipod touch for my nameday this year, while reconciling, AFTER I told him I didnt want an electronic device...
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/07/09 02:39 AM
Hey Rabbit
Appreciated your support on the urgent thread postings but I feel that some people are just not worth the effort! They obviously have their own agendas for being here and, whilst some of what was said was relevant, I consider that it was used as a platform for an ego with nowhere else to go.

Makes you wonder about the rest of their lives ... ! We may have our problems but we are good people who are here to help others, not rail at them for their current insecurities.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/07/09 09:52 AM
Morning/Evening where ever you are!

Woke up this morning and the lost/mislaying feeling for H wasnt so prevelant, maybe because its the week and I know where he should be at work probably? S is at home he has cricked his neck, I popped upstairs to see him and ask why he was still here and not at work, but thought no I am gonna 180 him as well, no panicking he will get the sack he has any more time off, hes twenty one and its his life to screw up, so said Im popping back to bed for half hour see you later.

Went to bed at a reasonable time last night and dropped like a stone I was so tired. Got a lunch date today with my riding friend as she is on hols this week, also got a couple of medical appointments, and a day out friday and a party/bbq saturday. Need to get on with the garden again at some point, as I need to get that bed sorted before winter sets in.

Bit worried about the accounts as there appears to be a £800 difference between the available balance and balance and not email from H saying what he has been spending. I dont think he has paid the mortgage either, as the £800 difference isnt enough. Also by now he will have had to pay a deposit/rent for his flat, bet thats what it is and hes too chicken to say. Im just gonna keep saying "I will not panic" to myself, cos if I panic thats when I will go off cock and I'm not going too!

Off to see what the rest of you have been up too!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/07/09 10:17 AM
S has just come down and told me his dad's card has been stopped this morning, S works for our bank, so H had phoned him for the number. Apparently he moves in today so I expect he has paid his rent and the bank have stopped it after the fraud problem the other day. So not a good start for him.. Good for me though as when S said what had happened I felt a smile come on my face, hope it didnt see it, rather than the sick pit of the stomach feeling. Trouble is I dont think he has paid the mortgage and he sure didnt tell me he was paying his rent either, not sure what to do about this as again he has paid a big bill and not told me, but was quick enough to moan at me when he thought I had done so!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/07/09 10:40 AM
So with you on the finance crisis right now Rabbit! Good to have your S in the bank but don't have any pearls of wisdom for you on this one, I'm afraid.

Just laughing to myself about mantra's - I'm letting the cats out and almost forgot to say my usual "don't go far, don't go long" and realised how wrong it would have been for me not to have said it. I can't rest if they are out and I haven't!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/07/09 04:09 PM
Oh dear, I really tried hard not to giggle! S came down and said that dad was annoyed as the bank had done something wrong. I politely told him I didnt want to know about what dad was spending his money on, he had the right to do so but still was responsible for paying for things he had agreed upon before. S said "sorry mum but its funny you will laugh" Apparently the fraud was on H's card and they have stopped his card completely and he will have to wait for a new one which will take at least 10-12 days, and of course the bank will only send it to our home, so he will have to collect it as Im not getting S involved in the financial side of things. So he has moved in today with no access to our bank account for nearly a fortnight, ok he has his credit cards, but what I found more amusing was not that it had happened but that S who has stayed pretty neutral except for the odd faux pas thought it was amusing that it had happened to dad.. In my heart I am worrying for him as its gonna make like difficult but my head says ce cera cera! Also Im still not sure he has paid the mortgage which he agreed to sort out as he had been dealing with it before and I only want to take it over when its up to date, why should I sort out his problems!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 08:32 AM
Well didnt even have chance to ponder on H this morning as just as I was coming round to the cat complaining about the lack of service this morning the phone rang too and it was the bank after the mortgage. I cant answer one of the security questions so she wouldnt really talk to me but I did tell her that H didnt live here any more and hadnt for the last six weeks, and that he had said he was going to pay the mortgage last wednesday and apparently hasnt! On top of that I now know he cant as he doesnt have a card to do so! Because of the way he gets paid we cant pay it by standard Direct Debit, so its always a bit behind or we are paying extra to clear it. I had asked that he clarified the latest situation when he paid it then I would take over paying it if he put the money in our joint account. Arrrrrrhhh I dont want to contact him certainly not until a week before he last contacted me which is thursday evening. What do I do?
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 09:52 AM
Glad that you are seeing the funny side Rabbit!!

What to do? Easy - ring the bank and give them H's phone number .. let him deal with it. The bank are not going to reposess in a week anyhow, so hold out!!

What have you been doing today so far, what plans for today and tomorrow??

Hey, I'm there with you on the cat moaning about lack of service ... I had two of them on at me this morning! Still, before bed tonight they have a fresh new litter hut and will have a big stash of food down so that I can get a lie in in the morning ... yeah, riiight!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 10:35 AM
Feeling pretty sick at the moment, just gone online and check something is gonna be paid tomorrow and found H has set up a new payment titled H & Other Name.. Looks like my worst fear is true then there is someone else! Trying not to burst into floods of tears here, my instinct is to block him completely from our joint account and delete the payment that would completely screw him but then he would screw me over too as he is the only one with any money at the moment.. I so want to contact him and ask him if its true, S is here today as his neck is still sore, how on earth can I act ok in front of him knowing what I fear could be true!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 10:48 AM
Could someone stop by and give me some advice please!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 10:50 AM
OMG Rabbit ... hang on. I need to think .... I'm here though, just don't go away OK???
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 10:53 AM
Im still here, adding insult to injury the gym has phoned up and asked why his payment has been cancelled.. Im just sitting here trying to breathe, it could be just a reference but my common sense tells me its probably not!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 10:58 AM
OK - now S knows that there is potentially another bomb to drop, right? I don't advocate that you discuss this with him but he won't be surprised, I wouldn't have thought.

However, the problem now is knowing what to do with this new finding. I can totally understand that you are panicking and feeling sick ... BREATH - put up a stop sign in your mind and try to get some logical perspective. There may be a perfectly logical reason for this transaction. I would urge you not to jump to conclusions here, although it's naturally your first instinct. You need to find out - not accuse, but you need to query what that money is for.

I went to the bank in the week and queried a transaction on our account and it turned out to be our contents insurance - see what I mean!

Maybe you could call the bank and ask them to put a stop on the transaction as you know nothing of it and it COULD be unauthorised. That wouldn't do you any favours with H but it may smoke him out a bit ... it could also incur his wrath so you have to be prepared.

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is but what I do know is this: when people ask for advice and they get it, they quickly decide if that's what they want to do. Deep down, I think that we all KNOW what we want to do about these things but we just want another perspective to bench mark against.

If I turn the question on it's head, what do you THINK that you should do??

I'm here - I won't go until you have come to relax a bit more about this ... have a think. Breath >>> put up the stop sign >>>> breath >>>> think >>>>>
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 11:06 AM
Still breathing Nell and gradually getting calmer..

Its a bill payment rather than something that has been paid, as in he can use it to pay a bill in the future all the details are in he just has to set a date and amount! So there is nothing to query with the bank, just with him!

At the moment I want to ring him and tell him what a coward he is being letting me find out that way, or putting his S in a position of knowing and keeping it from me. But as you say it could be his name and accomadation owners name to clarify for the letting agency.

Also I feel that S would not be so easy going with H if he was having an affair, where as he understands that things dont always work out in M's not really explaining that very well! Still shaking with shock. But then that does explain why he doesnt seem to know/care I exist any more..

Im not really even sure what Im typing, I need to go and ride madam but Im in such a tiss Im worrying about driving, got to keep this together somehow I just dont know how at the moment!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 11:13 AM
No Rabbit - go nowhere just yet. Get really calm first and then you will enjoy madam more later. You wouldn't be safe to drive right now, never mind riding in fury - that's not fair on madam, nor yourself!! Sit tight. Keep that stop sign up front and continue your deep breathing.

From what you say, I would agree that it's most likely to be the accommodation agency BUT you still have to know or you won't rest. Also, it's your right to know where money out of your joint account is going!

I have to say, if H is having an A, would he be as brazen as to pay for such stuff out of your joint account? Don't rule out that there could be an ow - that would be deluding yourself at this time and you also have to find that out - however hard it may be to face up to it.

Seems most likely at the moment though that it's the letting agent. Work on that fact, until you find out otherwise. Sometimes we have to 'fake it before we make it' and this might be one of the things that we 'fake' in our own minds ... what do you think??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 11:20 AM
Much calmer now thanks Nell, I have changed the password to the online banking, it can be changed back no problem quickly, but now he wont be able to get online to check anything. So if he phones to say he's got a problem or have I changed the password, I can play dumb and ask him if he has paid the mortgage or is there anything else I need to know on financial side! Have to say that I really feel he has entered alien territory big time now, I had come to terms that he isnt MY H anymore but its really sunk home now!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 11:32 AM
Good Rabbit ... I'm not sure that I have helped you, other than to get you to stop sign and breath ... it helps in slowing the 'flight or fight' adrenaline which is coursing through us at times like this. Not a good time to react ... it's why we all advocate taking at least 24hrs before doing anything that's provoked by our WAS.

Good. That's a big one out of the way for you - I think that was your first whammy, wasn't it?!!

May not be wise to change the password long-term. Again, I was furious when H did that to me, although I had gone back to the UK and he only kept it that way for 24hrs before he realised that it was not the right thing to do! Actually, I think that what he realised was that any monies coming out of the account may tip me off to what was going on before he had the chance to tell me for himself.

H is many things at the moment but I know that he at least had the integrity to tell me about ow before I got to find out by other means. It still hurt like hell. To him, he had ended the M and so he still does not consider that he is having an A. Laughable! Are we still legally M? Yes. There you go then, bit of a no brainer, really!!

Just allows him to have a guilt-free concscience ... until he goes to sleep at night because it must haunt him then, as I am sure it will for most men worth their salt.

Sorry - felt my first rant of the day getting the better of me there! Must concentrate on the fact that Silence is Golden and H has broken it!! That makes me smile.

So, how are you doing now??

Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 11:38 AM
Breathing just about lol!

My heart is still telling me H wouldnt let me find out that way, he made sure I knew about the new flat before telling S. The only thing I can think of is that he is mad at me for putting the dispute on that fraud thing and getting his card cancelled, but I didnt get his card cancelled the bank did that, it had nothing to do with me at all!

It so hard isnt it, the man I loved is kind, considerate, caring, loving, wouldnt hurt a fly and I still thought I was the centre of his world, its a lot to come to terms with not being the centre of his world but to find out you didnt even really know them is just as difficult to get to grips with!

Thanks for being there Nell x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 11:43 AM
(((Rabbit))) = well done!

Before I go, I just want you to remember another mantra - and you have to keep this one upfront because you are going to need it alot in the near future:

"Don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do"

My H sounds like yours, genuine, loving, sensitive, caring ... and NEVER would I have believed that he could do a fraction of what he has done lately to hurt me, including calling the cops to come to the house to sort me out! They are not 'here' in the real world right now... we have to get to grips with that and 'Act as if' .... you know the rest!!

I'm out of here Rabbit ... got some of my own thinking to do now in how I am going to address H's email ... I have time though ... it won't be today and it won't be tomorrow. You know? It might not even be until next week!!

Hang in there and give madam an apple for me!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 11:46 AM
Thanks Nel

Good luck with your thinking and remember "make him wait" x
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: After 30 Years! - 09/08/09 03:28 PM
Back from riding madam, I dont know what I would do without her and moglet bless them.. The one good thing about riding a horse is that you HAVE to set aside your feelings for that time as they pick up on them and play there tune to suit it! So no matter how awful I feel it has to be laid outside her stable whilst I ride her, and of course the work out benefits me, keep me fit, sane and clears my head for sensible thinking! The only down side is every time I come away from the stable I feel this pit of dispair! Today I asked myself why? Its because its my haven, my ME time with friends who are loving and caring and ready to listen and administer tea when necessary, and once I leave it Im back in the real world with a WAS and too many fears which I am trying to juggle and control.. Im not going to beat myself up, I have so 180 on the panicking, and today really was a whammy and Im so glad I took the time to think about it before and prepare myself for it as it seemed almost impossible that H had a OW but most likely that he had from all the stories on here. Now he really has become an alien, MY H would never have done any of this, so I know longer know who this man is? There is still a small space in my brain for giving him reasonable doubt over this information received today, but I doubt he is going to need it.. If information gets back to him via S all he is going to hear is that mum seems fine, calm and carrying on with life as best she can, she is still looking for a job but enjoying her time with madam and friends in the mean while! In fact I am actually beginning to feel proud of myself, he might be behaving like an alien but I can still behave like a lady!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Picnic Power - 09/08/09 06:34 PM
Ok todays news or not news I still dont know either way isnt going to throw me. The old me would have been on the phone screaming my head off reminding him that I wouldnt accept used goods back again! NO NO NO..

So I am setting my picnic out for him to see, ok so he might not be able to see me but Im sure he will hear about me from S. He is visiting him this weekend so something will slip out!

I hear you cry but thats not detaching, well sort of as Im carrying on with my life as usual and not letting what he is doing affect me. Although Im still not sure what to do about the financial commitments he has not kept too. Do I email him and state the obvious that he hasnt paid it, or pay it and tell him I have done so!

I cant believe that after todays shock I am sitting here as calm and serene as I feel, maybe it will catch up with me tomorrow who knows, gotta get up early take S to work, back for a docs appointment then go ride madam. The rest of the week I have plenty to do so will be occupied for a fair bit of the time thank goodness, he might think that Im outta sight outta mind but the same applies to him also!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Picnic Power - 09/08/09 08:21 PM
Well calm and serene feeling didnt last long! Feel all bashed up now and worn down now! Managed another hour in the garden before it got dark, and then showered and made myself neat and tidy again ready for bed. Telly is quite depressing really shouldnt have watched it, never mind tomorrow is another day!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 01:26 AM
Morning Rabbit
These feelings come and go ... equally as we can feel elated, we can feel in the depths of despair and, in my experience, the lows last much longer than the highs!

The pain of what is happening manifests itself physically as well as emotionally and the whole stress process is exhausting. It's why we must do our best to get the most restorative sleep that we can possibly muster. Good bed time preparation is the key to this. A routine is a must. I have been making myself a milky Horlicks to take to bed and then I watch Corrie and Emmerdale every night!!

I am staying away from TV progs that I know will upset me - stuff H and I always watched together like Married With Children! Funnily enough, I can still watch Doc Martin - we visited that village when we were home last October and yet I get comfort out of 'being there'. It's odd how it works but you know what you are comfortable with and that which you are not. Eastenders would definitely be a no go for me as I hated that after 1986 in any case!!

So, how are you doing today. As I am writing this, it's twenty past two in the morning for you and I hope that you are managing to evade the nightmares that I had last night. They leave you feeling grotty for the day even if you can shake yourself out of it in the first few hours.

What are your plans for today? Gardening helps, I really find that and the bonus comes in seeing your efforts! I have a new sense of pride looking out of my windows these days!

Please try to gather some PMA from somewhere, let yesterday go and start afresh today. I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach is hard to ignore but we must use it to push us forward. OK - I shall check on you later.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 08:19 AM
Morning Nell

I was up bright and early this morning as I had to take S to work as he is picking up his new car today afterwards. Sleep wasnt too bad woke up twice and started to mither about H having someone else, but managed to move my mind away and go back to sleep, dont ask me how though. Thankfully being busy first thing stopped any thoughts of H although I did check my email but then realise on the way to take S to work that H would even be at work yet, and as yet doesnt have any net facilities at his home appart from using his phone which will become very expensive.. But as the banking password is still changed I expect I will hear from him soon. Although Im seriously thinking of changing it back now, just dont know what to do on that one.

I have a docs appointment this morning have to go every month whilst on these tablets it seems, although at least its the doc I first saw as second visit was with another and she wasnt really interested or helpful.

Weather here was rubbish to start with but looks like its clearing now so will probably go and ride madam at lunch time. If it doesnt I might pop out shopping and look for a top for the party/bbq Im going to on saturday.

Pit of the stomach sick feeling is still there on and off, I try and stamp it back down again when it rises up, radio on in the car is good stops me from thinking whilst Im listening and hopefully laughing. Im just really feeling the loss of H wanted to make contact/see with me today, we were so close and now nothing for a whole week, but then if my OW theory is correct he is busy with her now, so has no need for me!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 08:38 AM
I feel for you Rabbit ... as we all do because the majority of us are going through this.

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Pit of the stomach sick feeling is still there on and off, I try and stamp it back down again when it rises up


I'm tempted to say here that we should not be opressing these feelings but let them rise to the surface and deal with them. If we don't, they will keep coming back as bigger and bigger monsters. It's HOW we deal with them is the difficulty. I just wish I knew and then I can guarantee, we would all feel better wink

So, you have some plans for the day and even a BBQ on Saturday! Marvellous. I hope that the docs appointment goes OK. Yes, you should stick with the doc that's helping most and bin the other moose!

It's hard to think what our H's are up to for every moment of the day but that only hurts us because we allow it to. We should be working on detachment and if we are good students, we will get to a point where we think "H - H who?" - then we can graduate!! Come on class mate .. work with me. I'm at the bottom of the class right now and I could use some help to get toward the top - as by the sounds of it, could you!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 09:42 AM
Back again, docs visit was good think he was impressed with my "stiff upper lip" and "boot applied to bottom" technique lol.. He was nice and made sure I had support and that I was to come see him at any time I needed too, bless him.

Unfortunately came out to a phone call from parents, a dear old friend whose lovely husband passed away last year is now in hospital and appears she will be joining her beloved soon.. These two really were in love all of their lives and she was devasted to be parted from him. Now I know the old H would want to know, and would probably have gone to the funeral with me, but not only do I not want to tell/talk to him, the last thing I want is him turning up at the funeral as all our elderly friends will be there and its not the place to announce your separation, although for me my parents and probably my sister will be there. I know S would want to go but he is unlikely to be able to get time off work. Pit of the stomach feeling just doesnt want to let me be this week.

Nell I totally agree on detaching, I can cope without knowing what he is doing as long as I know what is/is not affecting me. Like him not paying the mortgage, I need to know but dont want to contact him he has to come to me, or should I contact him I just dont know!

No one other than you Nell (which I am extremely grateful for) seems to pop by with ideas on ways to handle things, I reread a large chunk of DR last night but unless you are living/communicating with them on some level its quite hard to apply anything.. NC just seems to be letting him off the hook of his responsibilites!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 10:04 AM
Glad that the docs went OK for you. What you have to remember is that they are generalists though and have nothing to offer than empty words and lots of medicines! We can help you more here.

Sorry Rabbit but you have made me laugh about this poor old dear being in hospital. You have so fast forwarded to the funeral and are sorting that out in your mind that you haven't even given the poor lady time for her demise yet! It's very sad though and makes you wonder about love and life, doesn't it? I would say put that one on the back burner and just wait.

I think that some of the experts get a bit fed up with our struggles. They tell us what they believe that we should be doing and, although we try, we still pour our our negative feelings and continue our pity party for one. To me, that is all part of the process and what is not being seen is the evidence of how hard we are trying to do what they have advised us. I know that, personally speaking, my negativity this week has been caused by the amount of effort that I have put in to nc with H and for all that effort, someone (as you know) ranted at my me, me, me attitude!! Unbelievable - and hurtful when people are going through enough without being attacked on a board which is supposed to be supportive. Ah well, I see why that W left that H if that's what he is to live with!

We are still learning and this is going to take time. We can't help our panics in between times. I think that to read and re-read is good, although I have also had times where I feel that being here is negative - you become entrenched in nothing other than DB'ing and sadness. That pulls us down. I even found myself thinking on the way home today, "good, I can go see how the DB family are doing now" ... that's so wrong on so many levels.

Gucci said that it's OK to contact about financials, providing that you really have to and that it's not an excuse for caving in and pursuing. If we make this contact, I feel that it has to be the short, blunt and mysterious as well as the question which we want to ask - does that make sense? Then we must back off again ... that's how I see it anyhow.

I perfectly understand how you feel that nc is allowing H to jump off the responsibilty hook but isn't that what part of being an alien is all about? They are not coping with real life and they are running away ... we just have to step up to the plate and show them that we are capable - that we are coping - that they are missing out on their wonderful LBW's. Then, when they finally open their eyes, we can pounce and hit them with our new found knowledge and DB techniques!!

What most agree on is that DB'ing is much more difficult to do when you have a WAS. I hear that one.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 10:30 AM
lol@Nell

Your right I am steaming ahead a bit too much there, although bless her dear soul, she really is giving up and wants to be with her beloved F.

As for financial matters, I think I will give him till tomorrow to talk to me in person/email, that will be a full week since I spoke with him, then compose something to email Friday, Im out all day Friday so can send it and leave it be.

I understand what you say about the experts I suppose we arnt really in a position yet to use their advice, that only comes into play when the H's start to show some interest. Reading Ozgirls thread about not giving them too much and making it too easy for them to cake eat is extremely interesting!

Anyway I expect you are getting excited/nervous about work tomorrow, I will be thinking of you and sending lots of goodvibes in your direction for a good first day, very handy only having to work a couple of days before a weekend as that will break you in gently..

Chat soon

Rabbit x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 10:35 AM
Rabbit - go now and see what Gucci has just posted on my thread ... don't do anything before you have read that!!

Not too bothered about tomorrow, funnily enough. I think that the first challenge for me is always going to the place for the first time and I have done that! I gues it will be strange sitting at a new desk but after the five weeks agency that I did of 'hands on' 90% boredom 10% terror scenario, an office job is a comfortable alternative!! Thanks for good wishes though ...your turn soon for me to repay the compliment.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 10:39 AM
Just read it, its brilliant hes a clever wise one isnt he! Nope Im not sending anything in a hurry right now, and it will be posted for checking as well before I hit the button.. Ok I know he has the S probably telling him Im ok, but at some point he is gonna worry enough to find out for himself! Maybe/Maybe not we will see lol.

Yes I actually long for a job now, wouldnt have said that three months ago, just want a bit of money to have my own security when H decides to mess around, another thing to say "hey I dont need you" Anyway need to get on now will pop back later x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Picnic Power - 09/09/09 10:57 AM
I know where you are at Rabbit - that's why we found each other as our sitches are so close. It's a pity that S does report back on your well being ... I wonder if that will slow up as things get less 'new'.

I am treating the new job with caution - as it is only temporary, H needs to know that it doesn't alter anything other than it takes the pressure off him for a while. Really, I still have no more security than I do at this time and he has to understand where I am at. I don't know if there is any such thing as spousal support here in Oz. Must ask Oz!

Yes, starting work on Thursday was a good ploy. I was ready on Tuesday but they dragged their heels on Monday so I considered that tomorrow was enough to give me a good two days headstart and then in to the breach on Monday after a rest at the weekend!

I will be praying that something comes by for the both of us soon - permanent jobs, that is.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Email Advice Needed! - 09/09/09 11:33 AM
H was supposed to pay our mortgage last thursday/friday, but I spoke with the mortgage company today it appears he didnt do it then. He now cant because due to fraud on our bank account his card was cancelled. Having seen a bill payment set up for him and another name, I changed the password for our online banking for a couple of days, and still that hasnt flushed a phone call out of him about the mortgage, although I can honestly say I did it for security because of the fraud. I have now put it back to the original. I have sufficient funds in the account to pay the mortgage myself, but as it is a large amount of money and we agreed to contact each other over large payments (well I did he doesnt seem to be doing so) I am pondering over sending him an email to ask about it! I would appreciate someone checking it over for me. This is not a ploy to make contact I need to know about my financial affairs as I dont currently have a job! Thanks

H

I have contacted the mortgage company as it appears the mortgage was not paid last week. There are sufficient funds for me to pay it, but could you confirm your plans for putting additional money in to the account in the coming month, so that I can budget ahead of time. Due to the fraud on our account I reset the online password for a few days, but it has now returned to normal.

W
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Email Advice Needed! - 09/09/09 02:01 PM
^^ Bump ^^
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Email Advice Needed! - 09/09/09 03:23 PM
Thanks Nell!

Can anyone please check my email is ok?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Tittle Tattle - 09/09/09 06:53 PM
Well H phoned this evening, it really surprised me as there are some key footy matches on tonight. I know I shouldnt have answered really but I needed to know about the mortgage etc, but I let it ring till the last ring and answered it with the telephone number as if I didnt realise it was him.

Turns out he has had a phone call from my sister, now there is no love lost between her and me as my parents are a pair of stirrers and about five years ago, my sister believed I was party to some of their stirring and has refused to speak to me since, except recently at my parents 50th wedding anniversary when she chatted a bit!

He seemed to be giving me the benefit of the doubt and said he knew I wouldnt stir but my mum as usual has combined three pieces of information and made six outta of them, and has rung my sister and told her that I have intimated that my H is having an affair with her and the fraudulant transaction was their date! Which is not one jot at all like I told her lol! I told her about the fraudulant transaction, and how H's card had been cancelled, and how the new payment on our account had two names on, and I thought perhaps he had someone else. Mum said she couldnt believe that, so I told her about how he would hide his FB from me, but he always told me it was only my sister or his old secretary that he was talking to and as he knew I wouldnt like that he hid it! Well you can see from that how it all ended in a pickle!. It didnt even occur to H that the OW could have been his payment set up, but he didnt say there wasnt anyone at all either.

Also sister told him about our elderly freind, H wanted to know would I have told him, which I said as I had been in and out all day, and had only just finished my tea and was expecting him to out watching footy I hadnt even got that far yet! He was asking how I was and what I was doing again and seemed upset that I wasnt giving him any information other than the usual keeping busy, and his strangest questions was "some up days and some down" to which I reply no they are all days ahead of me and Im just taking them as they come.

We talked about the mortgage and his card being cancelled and he asked why I hadnt phoned him, I politely said I had heard via S but it wasnt his place to discuss our accounts with so I was expecting H to phone me, as it was his problem, again he seemed to sound hurt as if I was intimating it was his choice he had to live with it! but I reiterated that it wasnt HIS problem more that he was the one with the problem with our account. But we agreed I could go ahead and pay it so thats a relief. I also owned up to changing the password because of the fraud which he didnt seem to have a problem with.

Also when he stated that I could phone him, I said, I dont really know what else to say to him and he has heard what I think already. But he replied I can always phone him about money and important things. H asked after the cat and madam, so told him cats face was healing and madam was fine, although she bit me for brushing her too hard yesterday, not content with that he asked how my riding was coming along. Again so hard but I just said she was fine and we doing ok with the riding. It was so hard not to have a conversation with him, it could so easily have lapsed into chatting with an old friend, but I held back as much as I could without seeming to be rude..

He asked about post and I said his Italian lesson stuff was here and also a small parcel. Apparently its stuff for building a new computer, again he sounded down when he said he would have to build a new one, but not a peep outta me. He then said he would have to come and get some things, I replied well you know where I am! His reply was that " he would phone in a few days" Well Im not holding my breathe but I had been thinking about my goals today and the first one was that he would make contact more often than a week.

I have so much spinning round in my head, I hope I handled it well!

My Goals

For H to make contact more often than once a week.
For H to want to come here of his own accord, Im not going to ask him too, although I know it might be because he needs to pick something up.

Now I need to go breathe and eat chocolate.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Food for Thought! - 09/09/09 07:46 PM
Having read someone elses thread and with the phone call that has happened this evening, and of course a good adminstering of vino and chocolate, I am some thoughts I need to jot down!

Detaching and 180's

When H hit me with the bomb some of the time he was crying, I am wrong to be concerned that what ever I did in our marriage it resulted in a very kind and considerate man feeling very unhappy. I know realise that my insecurities have also contributed to this as well. Hence all the 180's with sorting out the accounts, living things as best as I can without falling apart, GAL as much as is feasably possible.. I have taken DB'ing to heart and embraced it!

My points of concern are that H said about me was that he didnt know how I could go to sleep after an arguement, (I sleep to avoid facing things) and also I think he has felt that when we have fallen out I have taken revenge, I cant say I havent if I was honest, my awful upbringing resulted in a very unconfident and now I realise dependant person, my security was in H not in myself or my own abilities. So he was tested to the full extreme to prove his love! although genuinely I didnt realise I was still doing it but maybe the damage was done long ago I dont know? Im just concerned that my 180's could be seen as "more of the same" revenge, just being cold and caculated and getting on with things! Really need some wisdom here!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Food for Thought! - 09/09/09 10:16 PM
Oooh Rabbit - some similar traits going on with us, here - especially

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
my security was in H not in myself or my own abilities. So he was tested to the full extreme to prove his love! although genuinely I didnt realise I was still doing it but maybe the damage was done long ago I dont know? Im just concerned that my 180's could be seen as "more of the same" revenge, just being cold and caculated and getting on with things!


I feel exactly the same but have no answer on this one, I'm afraid.

Two things that I can pick you up (kindly) on:

1) Try not to say anything to family or friends about your sitch. I know that you need them as sounding boards at times but I have learned to do that here instead - it's less risky! It really takes a lot of strength but whatever you tell to people will come back - all of it like Chinese whispers. People don't mean to do it but they can't help themselves - and they mostly get it all wrong. YOU are the only one dealing with the fallout. Let them know that you are OK and you are getting along with life but that's it. I only give my folks a one liner now and NOTHING that can be mis-construed.

2) Your phone call seems to have gone well overall but don't tell H "you know where I am" as that lays out the doormat! Also, (I know, easy to say) you should have kept the conversation to an absolute minimum and YOU should have been the one to end it by saying you were too busy to talk right now. (Not clear from your text who did end the convo but I am guessing it was H?)!!

So, what you did good was to explain the sitch re the bank cards, mortgage and sick friend. What you also did was to reflect on the talk when you got off the phone and you looked for other peole's wisdom here to be able to bench mark how you did. That's awesome! You were able to draw up some goal from that and that's a big step on from where I am ... I keep trying but failing!

You have certainly embraced DB'ing very well, IMHO! I think that you are right not to hold your breath on a phone call from H in a few days time ... remember - believe nothing they say and only half of what they do! It's a good 'out' for them as well, to get off the phone without losing face or being the bad guy. The old "I'll call you" routine! We've all been there!

So, I reckon that you handled that well overall. Try to prepare yourself for next time you speak on the phone and remember to breath. It's also OK to say "I really don't know how I feel about that right now (any situation) so I need some time to think before I let you know" - not dismissive but not compelling you to anything either.

Well done Rabbit ... top of the class - though others may have different thoughts ... !!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Food for Thought! - 09/10/09 07:51 AM
Morning Nell

Thanks for the support x

Quick answers to your questions as Im off to have a blood test!

Mum caught me on the hop coming out of the doctors, I dont speak to them very much as they dont stir back by accident the pair of them have outboard motors to help lol! I think its when she accused me of sounding hard that I spilled too much information. After this all she is going to get is "plodding along" and turn the conversation to what I have been doing. Although it was good to know that H knew it was probably all stirring, and when he asked me what I had told her, I said it wasnt that and she had combined it out of three stories, he asked what stories and I said I dont have to explain myself to you, you just have to accept I didnt say it.

Need a better line for "you know where I am" but it was said more in the context of "you know where the house is" Its very hard to avoid the chat side of things as he asks me direct questions, so I just try to give the minimum information necessary, as short blunt and mysterious as possible! Call ended as oh well I better go and as he started to say bye, I said over him ok bye and cut the phone off.

Again I didnt ask him anything about himself, so the conversation was based mostly about him asking about me! If it wasnt that I needed to talk about money matters I would have let it go to ansaphone, thats where it will be going next time..

Anyway need to dash will pop in and check about your day later x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Food for Thought! - 09/10/09 10:41 AM
Well done you! I know how hard it is to talk to them when we have been practising for so long and then go all jittery when the call actually arrives. I just don't want you to think that I am criticising, because I think that you know me by now and I am not. It's so damned hard.

Hope that your blood test goes OK. I got my all clear mammogram results yesterday, so happy with that!

Intend to go to bed reasonably early with the moggles tonight ... got up last night and checked email at 11pm - I don't know why but something was calling me - turned out to be nothing. Early start tomorrow and need some quality time with babies after having left them on their own for 11hrs today :o(

Hope that your day goes smoothly :o)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Sexy is back! - 09/10/09 02:30 PM
Nell no way do I think you are being critical, youre right its hard not to turn to jelly legs and stop thinking when you realise its them on the phone!

Blood test was fine just have to get results next week, not too worried as Im two and half stone lighter than the last time they were taken and its blood sugar levels they were worried about as Im the only non diabetic in my family.

Today has been about me! one of the posts about what attracts you to the opposite sex, got me thinking about the first time H saw me, I was wearing black cords sat on the wall outside the church, ok I was just a mere sixteen but he always said it was the cords that did it for him!

Anyway I have a party/bbq this weekend and needed something to wear. So off shopping I go with an open mind about what to buy. Anyway I found a great A-line tunic in guess what H's hated colour green/cream, without realising it I thought ahhh need black jeans to go with this, so found a pair, and to finish the look a pair of killer black heels. All on and if I say so myself I looked hot. Cant wear heels to party as its in the garden but I have some cute black pumps for that.

On the way to the car park went through big department store and looked at the underwear, it was so pretty but as I need to get measured didnt buy any, although the store lady came up to me and said "could she help" and when I said "just looking today I need to get measured as Ive lost lots of weight" she asked me what size I was wearing and she said "no way, youre smaller than that" I felt so good knowing I had shrunk, its not a crisis there really is still plenty up there lol..

As I drove back in the car, I started to realise, I FELT SEXY, I havent felt like that for so long.. In the two and half months before H left we ML three times and the last time he told me it was just "mans needs" it wasnt just that but he had made me feel unattractive, unwomanly, and 100% unsexy, he had never been one for pretty underwear, so even that couldnt catch his attention. I had backed off because I believed that some of this was the drugs he was taking for his heart problems as one of the side effects was loss of interest.. I really should have twigged it was more than that.

So if he ever deigns to visit again you can guess what I will be wearing, complete with killer heels, and now I will be exuding sex appeal because thats how I feel and its not reliant on him making me feel that way. I have a new swing in my step and I walked round the shopping centre feeling like a new woman, your loss H and my gain, I almost feel like emailing him a thank you note lol! But I wont be!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Sexy is back! - 09/10/09 11:43 PM
Hi LR

Just been catching up on your situation, your issues began around a similar time to me and I notice we are the same age.

Once you begin to detach you will start to feel a whole lot better in yourself and the anxiety and worry over talking to your H will to some degree lessen.

I have detached fairly well and this has worked to my advantage. You have to try and project the image of not a doormat anymore, easier said than done I know.

I have put my heart and soul into GALing and detaching, it isn't about not caring about your M it is just a case of realising that you can't control you H or what he does only you and you is what matters most.

Go out a buy a wardrobe of sexy underwear, I did and the killer heels and start dressing to make yourself feel good. As you said you started to realise that you felt sexy, fantastic you are on your way, you have made a huge step in feeling like a new woman. Well done!!
Posted By: LookingFrAnswers Re: Sexy is back! - 09/11/09 03:31 AM
L R, Sorry I have been off the boards for a few days but caught up on your stich & am so glad to hear you're on the upswing! I really relate to your situation too because you're my age, & I do feel like my H is now an alien. You are doing fantastic, and just wanted to send my admiration! Sorry I was not around to reply to your earlier requests but E N handled them wisely IMHO! Also Girlfromoz, great advice. Am trying to keep in mind always these basics facts that I cannot control what H does & focus on my actions. Keep up the PMA, that is what I'm trying to work on. :-)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Sexy is back! - 09/11/09 05:08 PM
Oz I think you have hit the nail on the head! H was/is before all this happened a dear sweet man who wouldnt have said boo to a goose, it hit me hard but quick that I could no longer control/wrap this man around my finger so to speak, so for me the penny dropped quickly because it was so in my face.

As for what to say to him, its more a worry that I am DB'ing to the best of my ability which is the concern, the screaming, shouting, begging and throwing myself at him didnt work so the 180 is not too. My only worry is that it will be seen as getting my revenge which apparently what he has accused me of doing before..

Yesterday was about me realising that what I had allowed him to do to me, regardless of him being sweet and kind to make me feel so unwomanly was wrong and he had regardless of whether he meant to wittled away at me till I felt so ungirly and sexy! Even the fact that because of him not being interested in sexy underwear made me feel powerless to attract him.. Im not really explaining myself well, but Im sure you know what I mean.

I have some self respect and had always said I wouldnt accept used goods back again, but now I am realising that I may have already without knowing and yet if he is having an affair or living with someone is not brave enough to admit it, and tbh Im gonna make him tell me, he owes me that much at least!

Someone who does not know Im DB'ing complemented me on GAL and getting on with things which was nice today. And lots of compliments on how skinny I now look, which H did notice I looked good both times he visited.

Anyway its been a long day out so Im tired and probably not making a great deal of sense, thanks for stopping by ladies I will go check your sitchs and hope you have had a nice day!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Sexy is back! - 09/11/09 07:45 PM
Why does life keep throwing how crap it is back into your face? Im watching "neighbours" and of all the tunes they have to play is the "moonlight sonata" the one tune H used to play on the piano! Im seem to feeling a bit H sized hole tonight, although friday always is hard as he used to come home early and we would go out to dinner! Need to seriously find a GAL thing to do on friday evenings!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit No More Winging! - 09/11/09 09:08 PM
Oh dear what a winger I sounded in my last post.. well that can stop, no posting when tired for me I think. Had a fab day with friends and looking forward to tomorrow, riding madam and a party/bbq in the evening, even wondering if they will be some male interest, my ego needs boosting lol! Hope you all slept well and have nice things planned for today. Im off to bed now planning a nice layin tomorrow if the moglet will let me smile
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: No More Winging! - 09/11/09 09:49 PM
Hi LR

I know the feeling of not being able to attract H with sexy underwear etc. I went through that as well, it is only now that he is starting to take notice of these things, so try to stress over that too much at the moment.

Yes, GALing the best thing ever invented, the nights are hard and you really do have to try and find something to do, anything, start small if you have to work up to something bigger.

BTW you aren't a whinger, this is what here is for, to vent and get out any frustrations or whatever is bugging you.

Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: No More Winging! - 09/12/09 08:55 AM
Rabbit - I echo Oz's words ... and don't talk to me about whinging ... I have been the best at it lately but that's why it's good to do it here - people can choose to read it or not!! No harm done.

It's 09.50hrs with you now so hope that you are getting ready to gather up the reigns and take madam through her paces today?!

I must laugh at your Moonlight Sonata though ... I told you before that we were behind in Aus in regards Corrie and Emmerdale. Last night, Marlon threw Donna out and really let rip on her, saying that he was filing ... is there no getting away from this hideous D situation, even when we choose to watch something light and fanciful on TV?!!

Like all things, there's always reminders wherever you look ... it's like buying a new car and then seeing 20 the same in your first hour out - or choosing a new plant only to see that everyone else at the cash register has the same one. Mindblowing!

Have a good day ((Rabbit))
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: No More Winging! - 09/12/09 09:29 AM
Hi LR

Hope your day is going well.

I agree with Nell too, I find watching stuff on TV now suddenly seems to have reminders or hints at R stuff we are going through now. Drives me nuts.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Party Animal - 09/12/09 03:30 PM
Well its four thirty here in limbo land, I have been shopping and bought some wine for tonight, my mate C said as its she is driving its my duty to have a drink bless her, bought some funky jewellery to go with my outfit for tonight, apparently we have a marquee and party games to boot, although it will take more than a glass to get me to play party games!

I rode madam today, did some schooling so we practised some of our poncy stuff, it is gutting not to be able to go home and tell H how I have finally cracked the nut, madam is well "just madam" bless her, she doesnt give you anything the easy way she makes you work for every cent, and then has the cheek to say "why didnt you say so" when she does it right the little minx, my ME time with HER is so special and along with all your moral support, my dear friends and cat kisses its really whats keeping me going!

Anyway need to turn myself outta "horseywoman" as H used to call me and into "wow! its rabbitwoman", and go break some hearts, I should wish eh lol!

ETA last night was the first time I have been really tired at bedtime, snuggled down and realised I havent taken my tablets, up till now the worry of tomorrow has made me get up and go take them, last night I actually said "s*d it I can deal with it, and if I cant I will take them tomorrow night"
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Party Animal - 09/13/09 12:37 AM
Clear round for you then, Rabbit!

How did the evening go? Did you enjoy yourself??

Not being able to tell H about our day is, I think, the most frustrating. I'm very much a 'spill it all out' person where H could go out and buy a new laptop or major purchase and not feel that he had to tell me about it until I spotted said object!!

Keep telling us all about your stuff and we will continue to tell you!! It works that way!

Catcha later.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Good Morning! Great Night! - 09/13/09 09:14 AM
Had a lovely evening last night, drank far too much but best mate C was on duty to make sure I didnt get silly, and didnt txt H.. It was mostly horsey mates and a few OH's and we played silly party games, laughed ourselves silly, I did get some male attention (yard owners dad) albeit it about twenty years too old for me, but bless his heart he made me feel womanly again and I had a little dance with him, which was so nice to be touched and held.

C made sure I was in and cat was tucked up too, but I got in a tizz about finding my phone after she had gone and finally that led to angry tears, probably the first real tears I have let go since this all happened. Anyway head is fine nothing that a couple of paracetamol and cup of coffee isnt fixing although I have got an upset stomach, hope that settles down soon!

Was woken at nine thirty by mother who had rang to say that dear friend had gone to be with her beloved husband at four oclock this morning, she asked why I sounded not with it and was told I hadnt rolled in till three oclock this morning as I had been out partying. Considering it only took her a day to relay miss information to my sister which then got back to H I wondered what H will find out I have been doing this time lol ..

Now my dilemma, Obviously dear friend has passed away, now do I let H know, or do I assume the grapevine will tell him anyway, H said he would phone in a few days, which really should be today at the latest as he phoned last wednesday. Bearing in mind he has advanced from phoning from every seven days to six Im not holding my breathe, but I really dont want to ring him before his time is up, if that makes sense. Or should I just email him the information, as there are no funeral arrangements and tbh I dont want to go if he is going to be there telling everyone he has left me. Advice on this one folks is needed.

Anyway off to rehydrate myself and have an easy restful day me thinks!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Good Morning! Great Night! - 09/13/09 09:52 AM
Hey ya dirty stop out - good GAL'ing Rabbit!!

I'm sorry to hear about your friends passing though it was what she was ready for, seemingly. She will be back with her loving husband and that's the best news.

This is an easy dilema, as far as I see it. Either use email or text but NO PHONE. Remember short and blunt - you can miss out on mysterious this time! Such:

"H, just to let you know that (friend) passed away at 4am this morning. Will let you know funeral details as and when they come through".

Nothing else needs to be said.

So glad that you had a nice time last night ... more of what works and let's hope that it does get back to H that you didn't roll in until 3am - that will be a big and stunning 180 for him to swallow, won't it?!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Good Morning! Great Night! - 09/13/09 10:09 AM
Thanks Nell

Your right its no dilemma at all is it. Im giving too much thought to his feelings, actually if I had thought about it I could have even told mother to let him know herself and given her the number, as H really isnt anything to do with me anymore lol! So short blunt email it is, as a txt I feel is still too much of an invitation for him to phone me, and he is gonna have to phone me because he wants too.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Good Morning! Great Night! - 09/13/09 10:12 AM
Good girl! You are picking this up much quicker than I did and you are more determined, too.

Perhaps you should just let H know about the death and say just that -> you will ask your mum to let him know the funeral details. That would shock him!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Good Morning! Great Night! - 09/13/09 10:16 AM
This is what I sent!

Just to let you know that L passed away at four o’clock this morning, no funeral arrangements as yet, also G has broken her leg and is currently being transferred back to cottage hospital, cards can be sent to G's address as mail is being picked up from there.

Rabbit
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Good Morning! Great Night! - 09/13/09 10:31 AM
Yup! To the point. Short, blunt.

Well done!!

I just emailed my H and said:

"OK - thanks. No, I haven't been bumped" (in the car).

That's even shorter, blunter and somewhat mysterious!!

Are we getting good, or what?? Going to congratulate myself soon with a mug of Horlicks and two furries to snuggle up to as I head off for another early night. At least I now have an excuse with work to go to!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Pretty Pigged Off! - 09/13/09 07:46 PM
S has just phoned and asked me if I knew about dear friend passing away, so I asked him if he had spoken to his grandparents. No he had heard it from H. So apparently I no longer need to communicate with my H as if he needs to know some thing about my family my sister will tell him first! Why am I bothering with this man, he rather consort with my stirring family than make contact with his wife, the one who has loved and supported him for the last twenty nine years. I have to say smacking him on the head with a spade is looking more enticing every day! How can I be short, blunt and mysterious if everyone is blabbing?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit New Morning - 09/14/09 08:59 AM
No reply from H but then the email didnt really require one, and he'd know I wouldnt be too upset as L's passing was a blessing really for her to go be with her beloved husband.

Its amazing how H only see's my sister as a friend now and has convienantly forgotton all the stirring she has done in the past and the reasons why I dont trust one member of my family any further than I can throw them!

Anyway onwards and upwards, inspired by Nell's list I did my own last night and it was very therapeutic! so here goes!

180’s

I can control my panicking.
I can deal with things on my own.
Learnt that I can’t control/influence H
I have survived for seven weeks on my own
I have managed the finances and dealt with the bank/mortgage company
I have managed not to phone H at all and leave phone contact to him
I have managed not to beg, cry, fall apart when H is around
I have gone for four weeks without seeing him
I have applied for IT jobs whereas before I didn’t have the confidence to do so
Can speak to H and not be drawn into any R conversation
Can speak to H and not even ask him how he is/doing/living/is there a OW
Know I matter and H is in charge of his own life/mess now

New Challenges

Coped on my own for the first time ever
GAL without H
Learnt to deal with things without asking H
Kept the house running without help
Sorted out my new phone and set it up on my own
Continued to lose weight and not resorted to comfort eating
Now a size ten and same weight as when got married
His cat is now MY cat
Got my self esteem back (well some of the time)
Bought new clothes and high heels again
Keep myself looking good for me now
Went to the tip on my own
Do new things because I want to
Bought party clothes and felt sexy again
Not afraid to spend time on my own

Have set myself a huge list of things to achieve this week, and some how I need to be seen to GAL in the evening, even if Im faking it a bit to start with, my only problem is that at the moment I am not working and when I finally get a job, I will have to devote three evenings a week to riding madam, that wont be seen as GAL more of having the life Ive already got!

Still keeping up the NC but Im beginning to wonder if this is being construed as "getting my own back" H is supposed to be coming up weekend after next to look after the cat whilst I am away, was contemplating putting her in the cattery because a the end of the day I am going to have to get her used to it if I am going to be on my own. But again it could be misconstrued as spite, and now H is in the clutches of the "family" believe me serious amounts of sh*t stirring will be going on. Was just going to keep NC going until after that weekend, letting him phone me and me emailing any important questions and info to him. That will have been about six weeks of doing that by the time we get to that weekend, and I dont think its making a heck of a lot of difference!

This is a bit of a mixed bag of ramblings today, more getting thoughts down on paper so to speak.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: New Morning - 09/14/09 09:10 AM
Well done Rabbit - doesn't it make you feel good seeing that list written here. When you are doubting yourself, come back to it. Better still, copy and paste it in to a draft email ... I keep one going all the time just to refer back to really quickly - I add on all the quotes that are good for me when I need an instant fix and none of the usual buddies are around on the board. Works for me! Just make sure that there is no email address in the to line - wouldn't want to send your treasures to H mistakenly!!

You have come a long way very quickly. You are also having the same thoughts as me on the nc - I am feeling a bit better since H initiated some contact and we have since had 3 emails regarding the finances/car insurance. Every little helps and as MWD says, you have to make each of those contacts show you in the best possible light that you can.

Hold your head high Rabbit - you are doing a fine job!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: New Morning - 09/14/09 09:33 AM
Thanks Nell head is a bit drooping today, my upset stomach is still giving me grief and its draining me a bit now.. But I suppose I can add that to the list as well "managed to be poorly without H's assistance" lol! Its not so easy when WAS dont have any reason to come back to the home. Like you even the cat doesnt hold much importance in H's life now, yet she was his "baby girl"
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: New Morning - 09/14/09 10:50 AM
Sorry that you are a bit forlorn today Rabbit. Drink water and get outside - it's my best advice.

Yes, I laughed at that bit about the cat!! I too have a new one. Cat15 was always H's girl and now she's mine - lucky us, eh?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: New Morning - 09/14/09 11:36 AM
Oh rats hes gone and done it again, taken a large sum of money out of our account, now I no why he has no bank card and has transferred money onto his credit card, but which bit of "any large sums of money taken out must be discussed" does he not understand, this makes me realise either he is totally heartless (I doubt that) or tbh the bloke is a coward, he cant even email me! Heart started racing nine to the dozen, but I stuck my heart into the ironing repeating my list of things I have done since he bunked off, it works a treat on refocusing the mind.. But now there is little money left in there so all my getting on with things this week is going to be a bit stumped Arrrhhh!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Forewarned is forearmed - 09/14/09 02:09 PM
S phoned me to chat about when I could be about for them to pick up his old car, I also asked him a banking question which the reply was H should really sign that, and S offered to give to him to sign, but its got to back in ten days and the weekend would be too late, so I will ring and see if I can sign it as its my account, then S let slip that H "might" possibly pop by at the weekend on his way to the trains. Now H imtimated he might on wednesday when he phoned but as he is coming up the following week I didnt think he'd bother. I know its only to collect things and dont worry Im not shoving the cart in front of the horse, but all the more reason to get my list of jobs fufilled this week to show him I am managing and GAL! OOh and sassy haircut is definitely on the list even if I have to eat beans all week.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Oops - 09/14/09 06:20 PM
OOops dont know if this was a faux pas, but was making tea with S(21) and he was teasing me about coming home late saturday eve or should I say sunday morning. He has already said the other day "bet you didnt get to drink much" and was told "I did my mate was driving" and on guard duty but I didnt tell him that.. He carried on teasing until I said " oi you cheeky beggar I could have pulled" as the words came out of my mouth I though eek shouldnt have said that! his reply was go on tell, my reply "that would be telling" and thankfully he didnt pursue it any further.. I dont know if H has got an OW although seriously suspect he has, and if he has I dont know if S knows either. I have been separated for seven weeks now and no I probably wouldnt go out on a date although would be very flattered to be asked.. This could get back to H, I hope not as I hope S thought I was just jesting.. But what do I say if it does, Im blowed if I am admitting it was my mates dad, and it was purely friendship and support, whilst dancing the night away at a party.. But on the other hand I dont want to rock the boat.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Email from H how do I reply? - 09/14/09 08:51 PM
Feeling a bit thrown on this one, there was a rumour that H was planning to pop in saturday, which I think I could have dealt with but this is sounding more like a R talk impending, also along with mixed messages! He has been gone seven weeks and I havent seen him for four weeks now, and Im still not certain there is a OW.

His email says

I am planning to be at the B residence on Friday night if this is not a problem with you? We probably have some things we need to talk about and it would be good to see you!

I will travel on to L for Saturday, as they are probably wondering where I have got to and they have a volunteers special train in the evening.

H x

My heart is going nineteen to the dozen, although Im not panicking, but is he just buttering up the inevitable! Obviously it would mean him staying in the house over night and spending quite some considerable time together. Really dont know where to start an answer on this one, so some advice would be good.
Posted By: Golfgirl1 Re: New Morning - 09/15/09 02:14 AM
Hi Lost Rabbit,
Here I am to give some comments, although you are doing quite well! I really like your 180's and New Challenges lists. I think having those posted somewhere will be helpful. In the beginning I journaled about 2 hours a day, now it's down to just a few minutes as I am busy at work and getting on with my life.

I guess you have to start thinking about things...what will you do if he doesn't come back? You didn't die when he left, so you will survive. I don't know if I would ask about an OW? I'm certain others can advise better than I on that matter. My h freely admitted he had committed the "deal breaker" and had an affair. I've heard so much garbage in the past 4 months...remember believe NONE of what they say and that's what I'm doing. He didn't acknowledge my birthday and continues to spew garbage every chance he gets. I find it easier to not hear from him. I don't contact him at all except for financial matters. I refuse to be a doormat. I will leave the door ajar, but he must choose to walk through it. The ONLY reason I filed for D is because I need to be financially protected. I worked side by side to help my husband achieve his dream of owning his own company and feeling "important" by traveling all over the world and now it's come to this. Well, I deserve my piece!

You will get stronger. I remember lying on the floor telling my friend I didn't want to live anymore. She made me get up, get moving, and stop being a victim. Some days I still have great pangs of sadness and I cry and I feel such losses, but it's getting easier as everyone will tell you.

I have no kids...h never wanted any and I was okay with that. But, I now really wonder about that decision and, at my age, too late to have any of my own. frown

Just breathe and take each day as it comes....
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: New Morning - 09/15/09 05:59 AM
Hi LR

For what my opinion is worth, and remember I keep backsliding, try not to read too much into what he is saying, we over analyse way too much and need to stop doing it because all it does is cause anxiety.

Look at this as an opportunity to shine and show what a strong, sexy, independent woman you are. You are going to have to control your emotions and remain in control.

You need to keep your answer short and to the point, don't include any other unnecessary information or wording.

Possibly "that will be fine, just let me know your expected time of arrival". It doesn't mean you have to be there when he arrives, you could be out GALing and then come home, in fact I wouldn't be there, I would come back after he has arrived, assuming he has a key to the house.

Before you reply post your answer here for everyone to see first and advise.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: New Morning - 09/15/09 09:01 AM
Thanks ladies will put some more thought into it today!

At the beginning he went for two weeks then two individual weekends popping back to see me saturday, that was nice but actually I have been better not seeing him for four weeks, it has made me GAL and become more fufilled doing my 180's. Ironically I have actually benefited using some of the 180's on my S (21), but then after all he is a man/boy lol.

I know that H is probably coming just to pick up some things he needs, a new bank card for a start, and of course he wants to go to the train evening. I am under no illusions that "it would be good to see me" as he has only phoned three times in that four weeks, although we have exchanged a few short emails about finances, and family information.

The main difference is that he wants to stay over, before when I mentioned he could stay over he said he wasnt ready to do that, and also he would stay at his aunts friday night and I would get an allocation of H between 10.30-3.30 and nothing more, he would have cut his nose off to spite his face literally!

I had thought of saying that I would be going out friday, although at this current time it would only be to meet a friend as I havent joined any activities as my main one is my horse and once back at work would need to ride her three evenings after work. Although I had been contemplating going to a Ceroc lesson this week. I know its ironic but I dont actually want to be stuck talking to him all evening and of course that would be a huge 180 as I have a real thing about being rude and if someone was coming it would be the last thing on my mind to go out!

Just twigged that monday is the 21st September we would have been together twenty nine years that day! Wonder if thats rattled him, I doubt it, it was usually me who remembered that anniversary.

Its all a bit higgley piggledy, this time ten days ago I would have cut off my right foot to see him and now I really could take it or leave it, or is that me just protecting myself from hearing news I dont want to hear!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: New Morning - 09/15/09 09:21 AM
Hi Rabbit - sorry that I haven't been here to put my two bob in but I've just got back from work.

I think that GolfGirl and Oz are quite right in what they say. If you are going to be there when H arrives, be late - and don't forget to be on the phone ... having some conversation with a mysterious message to it!! Fake it till you make it, remember?!!

I think that you are so strong. You have gathered great PMA and I of all people know how hard that is when you have all day every day to sit and brood over things.

Any news on the jobs front? Whatever you do, I would say yes, eat dry crackers but go get the sassy hair do. I'm loving mine and it has made me feel so differently both inside and out. It's a good sacrifice for a big gain!

I'm around for a little while this arvo so may talk later. Well done (((Rabbit))) - keep going. I reckon you have some ground to break over the next week.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: New Morning - 09/15/09 09:49 AM
Morning Nell

No need to say sorry, my first thought was "thats strange no nell, hope she is out having fun" The ultimate DB'ing I suppose its not to have to be on here as we are so busy having a life, although I have made friends on here who I would want in my life for ever any way! Cant wait to drop into convo with H that I have an invite to spend xmas in aus with a friend lol, and believe me if I could afford it I would be there!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: New Morning - 09/15/09 09:58 AM
Turn the dry crackers into crumbs and you CAN be here Rabbit!! Yes, do tell H that you have the invite and you are considering it!! If I come back to London in April, I shall look you up! All depends on how my DB is going as to whether or not I come home.

Yes, I too have made great friends here and it would be nice to keep in touch with some when our situtations are finally whatever it is that they are going to be. We have to work out how we can swap email addresses without having to go on that dreadful FB!!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: New Morning - 09/15/09 09:59 AM
Does anyone know why Private Message's are disabled on this board?? It's odd that they don't want people to contact one another unless they think that we would circumvent and use it as a dating agency!! Now there's a thought ... !!! LOL
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Spanner in my DB'ing - 09/15/09 10:26 AM
Right got to answer H about friday, but just to throw the spanner in the works, I have checked bank and there zilch in there, H hasnt put as much money in there as he normally would off by now and also transferred a large sum to his credit card without saying on friday! Now I can rummage around for food, but need petrol to see madam. If I email him he is not going to pick it up till this evening or even maybe later and I need money before that! so Im gonna have to txt him and earlier than I would rather do. Normally in this situation he would work from home and do banking as well, but I cant bank on it (awful pun I know)

Here goes!

Hi, Friday is ok, although may not be around till later! Have checked bank situation this morning and it is very low, are you planning to move money over as I have commitments this week!

Does that sound too cold, short, blunt or mysterious?
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Spanner in my DB'ing - 09/15/09 10:52 AM
Rabbit, I don't know that I would say that you may not be around until later ... just let him come along and find you not there (nothing to stop you spying from behind the bushes and then make your grand entrance)!!

The bank situation is a tough one for me as I am in a similar boat this evening - and I have just found out that H cleaned out my private account too, in June, when I was back in the UK. To say that I am furious is an understatement but I had not even checked that account until I went to transfer some funds to the joint, this evening.

Seems like we both need money talks with our WAHs.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Spanner in my DB'ing - 09/15/09 01:56 PM
Ok note taken Nell, only thing will have to ask ETA as I live in a cul du sac so cant exactly hide anywhere lol. Wish me luck about to send it now!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Spanner in my DB'ing - 09/15/09 02:13 PM
Ok went with "hi friday is ok any eta, bank is low are you transferring any money over as i have commitments! Rabbit"
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Spanner in my DB'ing - 09/15/09 08:41 PM
Texted message at three thirty just as he was leaving from work, so knew he probably wouldnt get to read or reply until he got home, giving me time to breathe and get on with other things.

Reply "Thanx will come from work so about 5.30pm, £000 going in the bank 2morrow"

Funny he has only started doing this daft teenager spelling of txts since we started this whole mess, I think I have got one somewhere between WAS/MLC lol.

Good news about money going into the bank as I was a bit fed up with my plans being scuppered this week, so I am going lingerie shopping thursday, its not for him but for me, I have lost so much weight now its all falling off me, and a nice silky nightdress, I gave up buying silky ones when he complained he didnt like them so tough! That and sassy new haircut coming up instead of plain and practical as it doesnt need cutting so often. Its so nice to have a week of doing things for me.

Friend came over tonight to help me do some gardening, and I said I wanted to do some little things around the house to show how much Im getting on with things and have changed for me, she replied you have changed a lot in the last month he cant possibly fail to see that. Maybe he will or maybe he wont but I sure feel better, Im back in control of me and what I do and Im beginning to like it (need a big smiley face emoticon).
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Spanner in my DB'ing - 09/15/09 10:00 PM
Morning Rabbit!

That's a much better email imo! Lovely living in a cul-d-sac until you need subterfuge!!

Great news that the money for GAL'ing is going in to the bank and even better that you are going to get out there and enjoy it!

Probably best to get some agreement now on a regular income so that you don't have to contact H if and when the money does not appear to arrive. Set up a DD or SO perhaps?? Needs to be formalised I would guess.

"I think I have got one somewhere between WAS/MLC" - I know how you feel about this one too! I echo - and my H has started this "hey" business now, which he would NEVER have said in the past, being a true Anglophile and hating of anything to do with Uncle Sam (sorry American buds)!

So, wearing the new nightie and sporting the new sassy haircut is the way to go for you then!

Glad that your friend has noticed the changes in you. It's hard to see that the WAHs don't notice when others do.

Have a good day Rabbit and I shall check in when I get home.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Slow Day - 09/16/09 10:57 AM
Oh I think they notice Nell they just dont want to admit to themselves that we are managing without them because it would knock a brick out of the ego wall!

Its a slow day today, waiting in for S's car to be collected anywhere between 8-6, I hate long days with no company. So far have done a bit of ironing, and cleared all the rubbish off S's landing, unfortunately one thing was a folder with all our birth/marriage certificates in, do you know my heart didnt sink when reading it, I just thought what a lot of years to waste.. not sure if I meant my input into a marriage or H throwing them away yet! Probably a bit of both.

Im still ploughing through my house tidying, some days I get cross that H is not putting any input into it, I didnt mind doing it for us as a family, but resent doing it just so he can eventually sell it and go on his merry way. Although sorting out the clutter does take my mind off things. We have been here ten years at the end of Oct and a lot of stuff has accumilated over time. Going to get stuck into the hoovering after this cuppa coffee. Might have to get yard staff to ride madam for me a bit this week as I cant see me getting every thing I want to achieve done.. Oh well one step at a time I suppose.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Slow Day - 09/16/09 05:04 PM
Yeah car was picked up by three, so a quick dash to pick up food, prescription and into the beauticians to get eyebrows done, as it was a quickie appointment I didnt think I'd have my usual lass, but as she had a cancellation and was worried about me she swapped over bless her. Ok my H might have become a pr*t but I have had so many other blessings come out of this I can certainly say its worth it some days! L said she knew something was up it just wasnt like me, so not only did she do my eyebrows but said there was a couple of free appointments tomorrow if I wanted a manicure, and not to worry if it all got a bit much just to phone and let her know.. So operation feel good is going to plan so far!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Slow Day - 09/16/09 10:19 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Oh I think they notice Nell they just dont want to admit to themselves that we are managing without them because it would knock a brick out of the ego wall!


How right you are!
Im not sure why H is visiting tomorrow night, he is staying the night which is unusual as he has practically run for the hills every time its been suggested.

I know he is coming to pick up some important things, his new bank cards, medication from docs, and a few other bits, and then the following day he has a evening meetup up planned.

I have now been doing NC except a couple of important emails and txts, as we have an older son it hasnt been that hard. In the first few weeks before I got stuck into NC I used to tease him about having a date with "flora the floosie" but I didnt think there was anyone and he always replied it would take a long time before that happened. But I have a niggling suspicion there is someone.

Now there could be several reasons why he wants to see me, but I need a good calm DB'ing answer should he hit me with the OW scenario. Bearing in mind hes gonna think cos I always told him I would that his credentials are seriously going to be in danger, so one might say would he ask to stay the night if he was going to drop a bomb that he thought would cause danger to his credentials lol! Anyway, so far all I have come up with is

"Ok Im not surprised but of course that is your perogative to choose to be with someone else"

So if that isnt what I need to be saying can anyone give me a better line! I am to just stay as calm as a cucumber and carry on looking like it doesnt really matter Im moving on..

New underwear is ready for the airer and cute little nightdress to say goodnight in, that and two fabulous drop dead outfits to be seen in, bearing in mind he hasnt seen me for four weeks now and I have dropped another dress size since then and everyone else is now starting to really notice..

Anyway over to you folks!
Buy yourself a nice bouquet of flowers and leave it in the entryway as if you received them from someone.

Then when he comes, tell him you have plans and you'll see him later and walk out the door. Let him sit in the empty house alone with the thought of the flowers on his mind. Make sure you're dressed to kill and put on your nicest perfume.

No sense ruining a perfectly good evening with someone whom you know will be causing alot of drama. Go out with a friend or catch a movie on your own. Just be sure you come back late and happy.

Sexy, smart and confident. That's what you want to show him. Not the lost rabbit anymore, but a killer tigress. You can do it.
Killer tigress ready to go Stuck! Had thought about flowers but thought they might be a tad too obvious! Me all ship shape and bristol fashioned as they say over here in the UK. Just gotta keep remembering to breathe, its daft I feel like the sixteen year old girl who he saw sitting on the wall, I have even bought a pair of slim black jeans to wear to recreate the moment!
I would strongly suggest the flowers. You want a bold physical item that he can see and that will be burned into his memory while you're out of the house. You want him to "wonder" and let it start eating away at him.

Don't forget the perfume. The sense of smell can be very strong in terms of memory for a man.
Then write a bogus phone # on a note pad with a vague name (S. Martin.) Leave it out on the kitchen counter.
Im loving this folks, you are bringing out the minx in me lol! But then it was the minx that H fell in love with in the first place so bring it on!
Hi LR

Definitely do the flowers, I have done this just this week, they got a look, no comment, but they are there in front of H each and every day. I am getting a fresh bunch today. My H wouldn't think I am buying them as it has never been something I did due to allergies.

Love Coach's idea as well, might try that one myself.

You go girl in your skinny jeans, how good does it feel when you can get into them.

I will be thinking of you tonight and hope it all goes well LR.

((((LR))))
The phone number trick works well ...especially when it's ow's phone number!! I did the very same and H went loopy!! Boy did he lose it.

Hope that it's going well for you Rabbit - it's almost 11pm with you now and your mind must be in a whirl. Will check in later.

Enjoy!
Where are you, ya minx??!!
Minx reporting in for duty lol!

All ready to roll! Just popped out to get wine and beer for the fridge but no food (cos I have had lunch already) decided going out on him when he is here is just a bit too much, so Im going to come back about an hour after him from a lunch date that over ran, looking very hot to trot (over dressed for a girly lunch), nattering to the invisible man about tomorrows nights dinner date (which is true) Pink hand tied bouquet on cabinet, not a colour I would buy and at the moment its clashing beautifully with the peach lounge so he cant miss it! Black, purple and teal undies on airer,(nothing tame in colour there) silk nightie on bed, red tinselly stuff tied round bed end to show him I have GAL and to remind me of fab party last weekend and make me smile,house tidy but not overly (need to look like Im a little too busy to clean). So all I have is a few chores to do this afternoon and then get dressed and go read my book somewhere for an hour or two whilst he gets home and stews! Oh and of course the most vital thing remember to breathe! Never felt this nervous in my life!
Hi LR

Sounds like you are all ready to roll. You will be fine and just remember to keep your cool, no backsliding like I have a habit of doing. Learn from my mistakes.

Will be thinking of you.
Oh well done Rabbit - sounds like the perfect 'crime scene'!!!!! LOL

Can't wait to hear about this one. I so hope that you have held it together and been able to DB well. It's your first BIG opportunity though so I'm not expecting too much.

I was laughing about your tinsel around the end of the bed - all that's missing is the handcuffs! Now there's a thought .... *lol*
Hi LR

Hope is all is going well.
All is well smile

Not a mention of OW and apparently I look fifteen years younger! Needless to say the spare room wasnt used and bacon sarnies wernt served till eleven am.. Still a very long way to go but no recriminations in the morning although bracing ones self for a large dose of pull back at some point! Will fill in later as Im off to ride my darling madam.
Oh you minx!!!!!!!!
Im still a bit like a stunned Rabbit today smile By mid afternoon I was absolutely wibbling so called my best mate and said can I come over for coffee I need moral support and cat cuddles! I managed to drive the twenty minutes and kept focusing on my thought "youre playing the long game" with a back up of please god let there being nothing nasty and if so give me the courage to DB my way through it.

Well H had only been home barely half an hour and I got a txt saying "Im home when do you think your gonna be back" It got ignored and about an hour later than him I rolled up on the drive, sat fiddling in my handbag, got my phone out and proceeded through the door nattering to the invisible man about my dinner arrangements tonight! We sat an talked about next door neighbours new cars, and what was going on around us, and he told me how our darling cat had ran hell for leather to see her daddy and how she didnt argue when he picked her up and cuddled her and how she seemed quite genuinely pleased to see him..

So after a few minutes I got up and started pottering around the house and he followed me around, asking whose name on the calendar was and when my S phoned he asked what I was doing and after I put the phone day I said "whats with the men in my life dont ask a thing for ages then want to know everything in one go" Finally H pointed out that the fridge was empty, so I said well I had lunch and Im out tomorrow and I didnt know what you wanted, so H said looks like we need to eat out, my reply was are you going on your own or was that an invite. Well apparently it was, we played verbal footsie for ages waiting for the table, and when he mention several things that normally would have caused panic in me, well water of a ducks back wasnt the word for it.. The compliments kept coming thick and fast and I made sure several were returned, even told him that the time away had been a blessing, I had found new friends and found treasures in friends I had never anticipated..

R talk was never entered into except at one point when I said I thought it was sad that we had got on two different buses and H looked a me as if to say are you going to get on my bus, I replied maybe we just have to get on a completely different bus and share a seat.. Well I cant really go into further details but it was a pleasant evening and no pullback in the morning in fact the complete opposite. But no mention of the ILY words from either of us and all contact apart from brief brushing of arms all had to come from him.

Well he has gone, no pursuing from me at all, Im not sure it was right but he now really knows what he is throwing away, in passing he said he'd be up in the week, but I said dont you mean the weekend as Im not going till early sat morning, H's reply maybe friday again. Also a mention of would I like him to phone during the week, again he was told it would be nice but with a wicked smile on my face I said I wouldnt hold my breath. But reminded him if the event finished late there was always the spare bed.

He has gone and Im not dead, I survived and again we will take the next week as it comes! This is no means over and done with, its still a very long road ahead, but I have prooved to myself that I can stick to my guns and persevere after all he is very important to me and I dont take vows lightly.
Well done LR! I'm proud of you.
Thanks Dudess and lol @ Nell! Just got back from an evening out with friends and although it would have been nice to see his car on the drive, there was no expectation from me, in fact it brought a smile to my face that he would rather drive nearly three and half hours home that fall in my trap again lol! So now I wait for the pull back I suppose, its got to happen as other wise he wont appear man enough, although in passing he did mention that he didnt think he had a wall built up any more, although I did offer to give him some polyfilla! I will just be pleased if he can managed the two small steps this week.. Well I suppose he could have come of his own free will this weekend but too soon to tell!
Oh well done Rabbit - go to the top of the class!! You db'ed like a pro and you will reap the rewards, I'm sure. Sounding very positive.

If Gucci were around (he's quiet lately), he would defo mark you Grade A+!!

This 'win' will give you a benchmark and allow you to continue with what you have been doing. It's positive and will drive you forward for more of the same and acting as if ....

Lucky, lucky you :o)
Thanks Nell, Im just a little worried that allowing ML was a bit cake eating, but pointed out I never do anything I dont want too even if it was "mans needs" harking back to the last time we ML before he left, the reply was not "mans needs" but ML. Just had a nice txt saying "thank you and he had enjoyed every minute of it, and he would have txt yesterday but roped into doing something on the train! Well next weekend if I see him before I leave he is going to get "sassy but no cake eating" rabbit, and leave him to ponder whilst I go and have a fab time on my riding course lol!
You go girl!!
Hi Rabbit

Well done sounds good. Keep it up. DBiing to the max. Now withdraw wait for him to come to you, I think I've messed up by seeing positive changes and then going inw with too much pressure so don't make that mistake.
I sent a very short sassy reply to his txt and now he can wait, it feels like a game of chess some times lol, and good chess players have patience and observance in abundance and so must I, lets hope its a busy week as its going to be hard to NC!
Sounds like you have the game sussed! What helps me when I really need to speak to H is to get on here ... and vent!!

You know that I am nc too since the end of last week so let's see how we go, eh Rabbit??

Bonny is right though ... it's your H's move next - your strategy is putting you in a good place for check mate!
Hi LR

Sounds like your night went very well. A+ for you in your handling of the situation.

And yes it is now your H who has to make the next move, I need to learn to play chess maybe it would help with strategies.
It's early in your day Rabbit - quarter to ten am, to be precise. What gives??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Sweetness & Sadness - 09/21/09 09:28 AM
Morning all!

Today is a funny day really, I keep remembering his txt and a smile comes upon my face, the last bit was "I would have txt you yesterday but I got roped into firing (steam train)you know what they are like!" ohh and a x, my sassy reply was "glad you got all fired up" and returned the x. Also every time I make the bed fond thoughts of the friday night, we actually havent slept in the same bed for over six months smile Im still in the keep pinching myself phase, so need to keep perspective.

The sadness part is that today we would have been together for twenty nine years and I expect it wont even occur to him and it highly unlikely it will get recognised either, but friday was so special perhaps I should consider we celebrated it then!

Friday was unreal! He had changed so much, he is so slim now, and he enjoys wearing his clothes and buying them! He teased me about spending his money on new underwear and my retort was "although it could be useful at times for your knickers to fall down, its not always conveniant" He talked about his two courses he has booked, the italian course is actually for february, he wanted to do it now but missed out so booked for the next session, and is doing a course in photography, my heart sank a bit, not so much that it was booked for next year but more that the realisation of how much he wasnt planning on coming back in the beginning when he left!

It felt like I was on a date with my H and maybe thats were we need to start, but obviously you cant date indefinitely so Im a little nervous of a "cake eating" scenario happening, although its not a quality H would have had before, but then who wouldnt want to spend time with an attractive sexy wife, getting their needs fufilled then back off to do their own thing all week, and we are so not going there lol!

Scary things are that his contract has only a couple of weeks to run then neither of us have a job! Again shows how desperate he must have felt, signing a lease not knowing if he could pay it two months in! I know that some of this compassion for him will come into play sooner or later, and reading Dia's thread this morning I can see how hard its going to be to absorb, maybe even for both of us!

Anyway Im going to hold a few of H's sentances in my heart and get on with the week ahead, he is working a few evenings pulling the last of his project together so he can be allowed to be distracted, although that will make contact all the sweeter if he finds time to call!

One very happy Rabbit, trying to keep smugness under control (wink wink)
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Sweetness & Sadness - 09/21/09 09:45 AM
Sounds like you are in a happy burrow, my friend!

I think that you have great potential here - imho. You just need to up the ante with your DB, when you get the opportunity. He's watching you!!

I certainly feel the pain of today's 'anniversary' - you know that from me going through it recently. What hurt me more was when I sarcastically said to H on Thursday "Happy Anniversary for last Friday", he looked at me really confused, like he really didn't know what I was talking about. Makes me feel all the more that he is in a thick, thick fog.

Anyhow, you enjoy your glory and prepare for the kickback ... everyone warns of it coming although I have no experience to base it on. Hope that it doesn't happen but better to be prepared than not!

Have a great day Rabbit :o)
Posted By: Dia Re: Sweetness & Sadness - 09/21/09 05:14 PM
Oooooooh! Congratulations!! What a wonderful weekend and you DBed like a pro!!

And Ha!, you're the second person I've gotten to congratulate lately for LM. Must be something in the water. wink

Keep at it now, and don't backslide! Earlier in your thread I saw the bit about leaving your frillies out to air and laughed at my computer! Glad it worked!
Posted By: LookingFrAnswers Re: Sweetness & Sadness - 09/21/09 05:52 PM
Hi LR,
Happy to read of your great weekend & congratulations! You are doing GREAT! I know how hard it is getting through that anniv. date, as Nell said. Mine was 8/16, it was our 11th. But you handled it well, and your thread continues to inspire me! Keep it up, you are doing an AMAZING job of this! :-)
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Sweetness & Sadness - 09/21/09 09:53 PM
Morning Rabbit!
Just a quick hello before I go off to work and I shall be back later this evening ... C tonight.

Anything to report??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Nosy Boy! - 09/22/09 09:59 AM
Naughty S! on sunday when he phoned to say he was on his way back, he asked what I'd be doing all weekend, riding madam and out to dinner with friends, he laughed and told me I was being shifty and that he'd seen H's name on the calendar, anyway I pffed him off and said I'd probably be in bed as I was tired.

Last night we sat eating chips and humous whilst waiting for dinner to finish cooking and again, so what did you do? Did you see dad? Yes we had a pleasant evening, anyway he kept trying to dig out info but I kept giggling and not giving any, upshot was he asked would I go to live with H if he asked me.. I answered "dont think it was going in any reconciling direction" Wonder if that will get back to H lol! But it got me thinking and I dont think H would like my answer. Hell no way I love it up here, Im a country girl at heart not a townie and I really couldnt go back, on top of the fact its my friends here who have made all this more bearable, unlike H who has made my life hell instead of talking to me about his feelings!

My feelings are all in a bit of a turmoil today, I really love the guy but its made me realise that I want my own life as much as he wants his and to get that is going to take a lot of negotiation, if he is to believed he has been allowing me to have my own way for years, when I thought we were making joint decisions we wernt. Anyway enough of that nonsense he hasnt made contact since his last txt, although that was at 9am so I must have been on his mind first thing! Think Im having trouble nailing my expectations ladies need some advice/boot up the bum!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Nosy Boy! - 09/22/09 10:11 AM
Hi LR

I am going to be absolute no use to you now for advice as I now have to 180 my 180's which is a contradiction but that's how it goes.

I think for you and your sitch you are doing extremely well and you just need to keep it going as you have been. Of course you now want your own life as much as your H that is because you have had a taste of it but even if all gets resolved with your R and we all hope that is the case, there is no reason for you to give up your new life, it would just mean that both of your independent lives have to be adapted to allow you both time to be together and time to do the things you enjoy independently of each other.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Nosy Boy! - 09/22/09 11:44 AM
See Oz thats the whole issue, when H had his heart attack a few years back we both realised how much it was important to live your life to the full, but I think we over did it, that coupled with H not being able to communicate, and I mean that in he didnt feel he could because I'd erupt and even if he felt he could I dont think he could have verbalised it anyway if that makes sense.. Dont think being independant is going to be a problem but communication sure is as a) hes got to learn how to b) i'm going to struggle not knowing whats true and what he is putting up with.. Dont know why this is all bothering me today, I feel like we are both doing Pullbacks!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Nosy Boy! - 09/22/09 12:13 PM
^^Rabbit, I think that Oz has put it really well and I echo her sentiments.

I also praise your loving detachment and marvel at how well you have grasped it by the horns to a point where you are so content with yourself and your new life. Wish you could bottle that - I would have a crate full sent out on the next BA flight!!

... but I hear the fact that you feel that both of you are doing pullbacks. I feel that's where my H and I are at.

Like Oz, I don't know what to tell you right now. I would just sit on the fence and wait and see ... you are doing OK. I think that Oz's situation today has stopped us all in our tracks and made us think. We do what we feel is right but how can we ever know?

I'm here to support you this evening but as I am just back from the C, my head is all over the place and I have no wisdom to pull out of the hat. Sorry - I know that it's disappointing as we always want our buds to share what they are feeling but I just don't have anything right now, other that which Oz has already said so succinctly.

Will try a bit more for you tomorrow. Have a great day - go out and ride madam like a wild woman!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Nosy Boy! - 09/22/09 04:17 PM
Nell & Oz just knowing that you both care to come and make sure Im ok is more than enough (hugs) Its funny as H has always said I'd never have liked living in Aus because Im too uptight about things being done properly and the natural Aus way of life is a bit too go with the flow for me! How ironic my two newest mates live where Aus lol! Perhaps he doesnt know me as well as he thought!

Think youre right Nell, Oz's news has shaken the ground a little although I really hope for her/you if your reading this that its a prelude to good things even if not the way its been expected.

Believe me no one is more shocked at the fact that my H who had shut up shop and shut me out, was the person that I spent 24hrs with ML and his words "how does it feel to be desired" still rattling round in my brain, along with my own ones of "outta sight outta mind" Only time will tell I suppose! Tonight is the half way mark for a telephone call, and I just dont think Im going to get one! So Oz cheers I'll raise my glass to you!

As they say tomorrow is another day, and my reply "thank goodness for that"
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Dissolutioned - 09/22/09 08:35 PM
Well thats me tonight! Obviously H is suffering pull back after the penny dropped on his weekend of letting his wife past the apparently no longer existing wall! No contact from him again, just another useless promise of I'll in few days, he obviously no longer knows what a few of anything is..

Knew I was wasting too much brain space planning our friday night together this weekend, at the moment I feel like telling him to get lost and not to bother me no more, but I suppose NC and mysterious will have to do again!

ARrrhhh feeling so frustrated and used at the moment, and extremely ranty! Look where expectation gets you!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Dissolutioned - 09/22/09 10:02 PM
Morning/evening Rabbit,
Good thing that you knew the pull back would happen, eh? At least it dampens the pain slightly when you know that's what is to be expected. Think how much it would hurt if you hadn't known that ..

Yes, it's pretty laid back here about lots of things but there are stil exacting standards about so much. As the culture is so very Anglo-American, in my opinion, we get the fun relaxed ways in lifestyle but the stiff upper lipped British style about other stuff - as well as the litigious culture from our friends across the pond. All in all, it's not a bad life, even though it's taken me four years to settle. That's the next anniversary for us - having been here 4 years on October 14th. I can live with that one. That will be just another day.

What plans for tomorrow (((Rabbit)))?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 09:03 AM
Like you say Nell its a good job we know these things are coming, I know he is working late several nights this week as the project ends his mind is going to be very occupied/stressed. Unless I get some sorta apology or at least a I missed you, Im going to be going out friday, even if for a couple of hours.

Im away all weekend on a riding course which had a great impact on my riding last time I went, so Im really looking forward to it smile and again dinner with a group of nameless friends lol! H is cat sitting sat/sun. Sat he has a train thing but I doubt if he will be here sun as I dont get back till the evening.

Oh well ce sera as they say!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 09:21 AM
Oh that sounds like big fun Rabbit! Wish I were coming with you.

Yes, I think that sometimes these WA's deserve to be treated like a spoiled child and they need a lesson to correct a bad behaviour.

Reading Cas's thread and inspired by your words above, I plan to tell H next time that he can't come here unless he behaves - and that means no flouncing out the door!

How has your day started? What are your plans .... ??
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 09:31 AM
Hi LR

The pullback after your Friday night together was to be expected, believe me been there done that more times than I care to remember.

As much as it cheeses you off, try not to dwell on it and certainly don't have any expectations of it happening again, it most likely will but it is better not to expect that way there is no disappointment.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 09:36 AM
Sound advice from one who knows.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 10:14 AM
Thanks Oz & Nell, wise words indeed!

Today some gardening and off to see madam, then four days of me time. Shopping tomorrow and chores/get ready for weekend friday. Lots to do as always, H might think Im a kept woman but perhaps after looking after his own place for a bit I might get some renewed respect, I should be so lucky, knowing fella's only a third of what needs doing will get done and they then think that housework is easy peasy! Maybe one day when you get to come back here Nell you can come and give madam a cuddle and if your brave enough a sit onboard!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 10:17 AM
Oh yes Rabbit - I would like that, indeed!!

Mind you, now that I have sussed out your identity, I'm not sure if I should come visiting ... there may be too many body guards around (well, if it was 1976 or something)!!

Considering that you are 'vertically challenged' and have a mop of gingery curls, I think that you must be LENA ZAVARONI!!!!!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 10:31 AM
You are so dead Nell lol!

Although rather ironically I did go to the same dancing competitions as Bonny Langford when I was little!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 10:36 AM
She was on my mind too - maybe you are all cousins??!! *LOL*

(Acutally, I think that Lena is dead, isn't she - anorexia)?

My claim to fame is one James Nesbitt and Robson Green. Both best buds with my Irish b-i-l, particularly Jimmy.
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 11:03 AM
Have I missed something here!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 12:39 PM
Yeah - your an Aussie ... you just wouldn't get it!!!!!!!

Just talking about 'child starlets' from the 70's who were really, and I mean really, lame - laughable really!! LOL

Can't think of an Aussie equivalent really ... Jason Donovan couldn't be compared, even though he went from star to down and out (he's from Melbourne, isn't he)? At least he was well thought of in his day ... Lena and Bonny were just always ridiculed as far as I remember - am I right, Rabbit?!!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Dissolutioned - 09/23/09 11:37 PM
Ahhh, no I wouldn't get it, you are right.

How are you today LR?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Rabbit World - 09/24/09 08:39 AM
All is sunny in rabbit world today, apart from I have twanged my back muscle and its giving me some serious jip, its an old injury that has been good for some time now but I will try get a chiro app next week, she is fab and will soon have me beaten into submission lol!

Well still no news on the H front, gone through disappointment, frustration, to "well he's probably up to his eyeballs working all night" common sense and now onto "s*d you Im sure however busy you are you could manage a hi txt" So all friday night frolics are cancelled, and even if I get a huge mucho sorry from him tonight he can forget it, the only date he is getting is with MY cat, Im going out! Now where is the next question lol!

Pondering on shopping today, got to change the wrongsized undies, I know I have shrunk but not that much! Clothes are getting a bit desperate, but I cant shell out too much in the financial situation, shouldnt really be going this weekend but its been booked for nearly six months and I had to pay now anyway! Would have liked to have bought new riding clothes to go mine are now like Nora Battys bottom, but heyho!

Need to get on with doing bank accounts I put it off the week H couldnt get in there but now I have that horrible sick feeling of doom which I am struggling to get my head down and do them!

Anyway will pop in later and report what I finally ended up doing!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 09:07 AM
Yup! I agree - your H only deserves to be at home with YOUR cat this weekend and not the voluptuous Lena/Bonny (sorry, just can't get that image out of my mind now - you shouldn't have started me off)!! Oh Rabbit - I just know that we would have the best time if I came home and we got together .. we have a similar sense of humour seemingly!!

I so hope that you enjoy your riding weekend - you should ABSOLUTELY go - Nora Batty impression or not (another image for me to conjure with)!

I guess that you won't get chance to visit with us over the weekend so I shall make sure that I send you a message or two so that your thread doesn't get lost.

What have you planned for today? It's 10.10hrs with you now.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 11:03 AM
Well finally plucked up courage to look at the accounts and ooh they are sick, could be another reason H has declined to phone, although I checked my credit cards and there is enough dosh to cover weekend, and I have to take my trusty cheque book to pay one thing anyway as they dont have card facilities.. Musnt let it get behind again, if I do a few transactions every day it wont so I must be a good girl! Although getting some temping work would certainly help, sent off for a training job yesterday but obviously in the scheme of things a SAHM for two years dont stand a chance, I could so kick H for this, back to if you were so bl**dy unhappy why did you let me leave my job!

So bit down in the dumps now, cant go shopping and I have organised madam to be taken care of for the next four days so will look a bit dumb going to see her when Im supposed to be busy! ARrrrrr frustration alert ....... So Im going to try and do some housework carefully so as not to agrievate my back. Got chiro app for tues with a shout out if she gets any cancellations.

Nell you so make me laugh, every time I think of you coming back to blighty I have this image of the "yoghurt & strawberry" advert where they are running towards each other across the beach, instead its you and me running across an airport foyer calling "rabbit, nell" and then the men in white coats chasing us lol! Yes I do think we could be potentially be very naughty party animals!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 11:13 AM
You are funny!!! Love the yoghurt & strawberry advert ... also put me in mind of the Gary Lineker and Cat Deeley adverts for Smiths crisps!!

If your back is really playing you up Rabbit, lie on the floor on your tummy for half an hour. Do this twice or three times a day (the old thing of lying on your back is outmoded and more research supports what I have just outlined). If you can get to the pool, WALK up and down the length of it a few times, if you can manage it. All back strengthening.

I can SO relate to you being mad about H allowing you to leave your job, if he was so bl**dy unhappy. Again, same thing here. Makes you pewk, doesn't it?? It's like they almost wanted us to be as low as we could go .. and then to kick us a bit further. Considering that these are men who are supposed to have loved us - well, doesn't leave much to the imagination for what our enemies would do.

OK - I'm off to bed shortly. Just letting the moglets have a last minute run around their garden and then it's "night night garden - night, night bears" before we all climb in to bed to watch Birds of a Feather (repeats), Emmerdale and then Corrie. Then it is "night night mummy" - with "heads under wings, beaks under blankets, all eyes closed - Good night"! (Tell me that you don't remember that and I shall call you a fibber, Lena Zavaroni)!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 03:28 PM
Why does it have to happen now! My little cat has just come in with a gaping hole in her belly, so just had to do an emergency dash to vets, where she is staying the night to be operated on tomorrow. Had to phone H as he'd never forgive me if I didnt tell him "babycakes" was injured. Said that blows my weekend not enough money and I get " didnt you get the email I sent you about the mysterious £200 being moved! Oh right if he hadnt heard anything why did he phone me! I am afraid I acted a bit hurt/cross that and stated "what on earth have I done to make you think I'd act in such a way without telling him" Blooming banks Im not sure whats worse WAH or banks. Only difference is that banks wont care, WAH did offer to come home later tonight but I wont hold my breathe on that one, last thing I want to do is break down in tears on him, but thats what I am doing at the moment!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 04:13 PM
Well what a way to find out that your H isnt having an affair! Poor ickle cat, had to have an operation to make her parents see sense! H went off to investigate the mysterious £200 missing, only to find its been paid to guess what, the mysterious bill payment with the other persons name on! Its a fraudulant transaction not another woman, I was honest and said I had seen it but how was suppose to ask him "was he living with another woman" He replied how many times have I told you there was no one else, to which I answered I suppose you think I dont trust you now! But I just couldnt ask you that question, which I think he understood. On top of that he had emailed me but to my hotmail account the one I had given up looking at for the last few weeks as I kept getting disappointed he wasnt on it to MSN me, and the message starts with I have added you to MSN so that we can chat! I told him I hadnt checked that one recently and it doesnt pull into my outlook. But did say it was nice to know he wanted to chat to me. Anyway he is on his way so need a quick dash round the house and try and make this tearful face look attractive again, although I think in this instance its ok to look bereft dont you think! Just wish our darling "babycakes" was at home too!
Posted By: Dia Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 08:43 PM
(((((((((((((((((((((Rabbit)))))))))))))))))))


Glad your kitty is in good hands!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 08:52 PM
Hi LR

Glad your kitty kat will be okay, it is sickening when they are hurt or injured, at least it got you some contact with H.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Rabbit World - 09/24/09 10:22 PM
Hi Aunt Rabbit
Just popping in as mum is almost on her way to work. Can't believe that cousin Babycakes has been dusted up so badly - what on earth happened to her? You must be beside yourself. How did the operation go - is she all woozy now? Bet you are giving her cuddles and fussing her, brave puss.

Really sad for you and BC. Purrr, miaaooow, it will be OK. Just concentrate on her and forget everything else for the minute. She needs 100% of your love right now.

Nells C15 & C6 xxxx
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Rabbit World - 09/25/09 10:56 AM
Stoopid cats - they didn't read that properly and I have had to tell them that Babycakes was an inpatient overnight. She's OK isn't she? Got her home now, Rabbit?

I remember when H and I 'misplaced' one of our babies a few years back, right in the middle of a silly spat - baby must have left because of the friction and didn't come home for 4 days ... boy, did that patch H and I back together and make us work on finding the runaway! When she came home, H and I were both ecstatic and crying for what we could have lost .... perhaps this will be the same for Mr Rabbit and you?!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Babycakes - 09/25/09 01:20 PM
Hi Nell

Babycakes had a bit of a scare with her breathing under anaesthetic but we are picking her up in a couple of hours, although she is grounded for at least a week whilst every thing heals. She is badly bruised around her ribs and we can only assume that she has fallen on something the poor thing!

Thats the good news, the bad news is I got a little piggled on very little food and ended up having my wicked way with Mr Rabbit, that on top of the fact that financially we are in a bit of a pickle as some thieving scumbag has managed to get up to all manner of mischief with our account and now its all shut down and locked out whilst the bank trying and work out who did what and where and then refer it to the police, hard cash under the mattress is beginning to look a much better prospect!

That and being stressed about babycakes and staying up too late again wink wink, is taking all my where with all to not break down and beg Mr Rabbit not to just "get his butt home and stay here and love me" Which to be fair to him thats exactly what he has done but not as long as I would like him to stay! Although with that all in mind he must have noticed that I have managed to not lose my patience and break into a cold sweat panic, although I am a little subdued.

Rabbit 1 Mr Rabbit 0

We have been to the bank to collect some cash and had lunch together it must be the longest we have spent together in a long time! Decided to go ahead with my plan to do a carpet picnic this evening, as I think I need to opt for relaxing and destressing, whilst pandering to both Mr Rabbit and Babycakes!

Really having a stop the world I want to get off day! I really dont think I could take anymore [censored] this week!

Love to the moggles Nell it was so thoughtful of them to put paw to keyboard and Im sure Babycakes will tell them of her adventures as soon as she feels up to it!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Babycakes - 09/26/09 01:35 AM
Good one Rabbit ... you just take care of yourself in amongst all this trauma - it's easy to be sucked in but if you fall down the rabbit hole, you could be starting from scratch again. Sorry, don't mean to sound disparaging just realistic and watching out for you (and the ??inevitable?? pullback).

Glad that puss is doing OK but how scary with the anaesthetic scenario. Looking forward to hearing that she is home and all fixed up - though slightly worse for wear and maybe minus 1 of her 9.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Slowly & Steadily - 09/26/09 07:12 AM
Well Babycakes is feeling a tad sorry for her old self but is having a good run round this morning before I go off for my riding course.

Carpet picnic went well, there was probably a bit lacking in confidence that Mr Rabbit wouldnt think the whole thing was a tad barmy, but after I had explained what the initial plan had been before babycakes committed "hari kari" was that I knew he had to get up early and I thought it would be nice to just relax and get an early night, instead it all went a bit pearshaped! He said he should have bought his digital radio and I added I was going to ask you too if you had contacted me, but you did but I just didnt see it.

We lay on the rugs in front of the fire, autumn has kicked in here with a passion, it was freezing last night and the new skinny rabbit is feeling the cold much more. We had a very nice conversation with a lot of honesty of him, which I shall digest and journal on sun/mon. Still no ILY but more ML or should I say LM believe me its even nicer knowing that "flora the floosie" doesnt exist and Mr Rabbit did enjoy teasing me that I had thought he would do such a thing. I was given a kiss before he left "the big bed" as Dia calls it, and he asked me to phone him this evening to check on him and babycakes, I told him it would be about sevenish and he replied "no worries I will be here" He then said "and I will see you some time soon" I calmly replied "so you will go back tomorrow afternoon" and got asked what time I'd be back and he said well maybe I will see you!

Anyway shower is beckoning, things are going very very slowly in the right direction perhaps my hopes of a Xmas with Mr Rabbit may pan out who knows..
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Slowly & Steadily - 09/26/09 10:45 AM
Glad all seems well in the burrow, Rabbit.

Enjoy the riding course and love to Babycakes from her dual nationality Welsh/Aussie cousins! Sooooooo glad that she is OK.
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Slowly & Steadily - 09/26/09 12:34 PM
It all sounds positive LR. Keep it going and don't make any sudden moves, slow and steady more of what works.

Have a good time on your riding course. See you when you get back.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Slowly & Steadily - 09/27/09 04:57 PM
Back home again, managed to come home a bit earlier as my friend and I went first and did a polite excuse me! By the time I arrived having got stuck in the traffic a bit I was a bit fractious, but managed to come in and go get tidy up and make myself presentable, whilst H was packing his bag to leave, it was all getting a bit too much and it was hard to keep tears at bay, but I enjoyed the tea he had made me, and settled beside him for a cuddle, he kept saying how tired he was and how he must go, and I managed to suggest that he didnt have to do anything and now he is staying and going to work in the morning!

He is funny he keeps doing a tiny bit of schoolboy/mlc/back off stuff then tries to pretend he has a more logical alternative, basically trying to show he has control when he really wants to do what he knows I want to do, its actually quite sweet.

So much to analyse and so much he keeps saying, will try and journal it all tomorrow, but two key things were when I mention that he was so much quicker to divorce people in some countries all you had to do was agree you hated each other, he replied "oh well we wont be divorce as we will always be friends" Then this afternoon, telly programme was suggesting a "trial seperation" and I went "oh were not having that" and turned it over" he smiled and said "why is it all the telly programmes are having a trial seperation" I sorta had a dig and said "well ours isnt exactly trial" and he pointed out that as we are seeing each other were not really "separated" So maybe he is changing his thought patterns, but I know I cant push in anyway I just have to "let him come to momma" lol!

Anyway just having a quick squizz around and will chat tomorrow!
Posted By: Dia Re: Slowly & Steadily - 09/27/09 05:13 PM
Slow and steady, slow and steady. You're doing great, so keep it up. wink Glad Babycakes is ok.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Slowly & Steadily - 09/28/09 08:54 AM
Mmm - this is looking good Rabbit!

Don't really know what else to say other than ^^ from Dia!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Weekend Report - 09/28/09 10:22 AM
Well firstly Babycakes is fine, gobby but fine, she still cant steer her bucket on her head properly but is getting about the house ok.

Riding weekend was fab, no real horse to ride but a very smarty pants mechanical one, he measures weight distribution, back/front/side left. All my lower body position was pretty good still and as it was only dramatically repositioned six months ago Im really pleased with that. I had started engaged lower abs so spent a lot of time practising stacking my abs on top of each other to give better support, its sounds all very technical but B manages to make it sound practical and therefore the imagery you take home is invaluable. Also we had a girlie night out in the pub having dinner and a good few glasses of wine! And a good chat with my chum in the car there and back.

When H had kissed me goodbye sat morning he had said he might be here if I wasnt going to be too late, so honour bound I felt it would look good to make the effort to come home when I could and not push the GAL too much but show him how important he was that I would occasionally curtail riding GAL to be with him. When I got home S had slung his car blocking the drive and I had to park over the cul-du-sac and lug my saddle and bag indoors. I had just been held up on the road and was feeling the frustration of being tired, in pain (back), worry about babycakes, and when I got in was greeted my S's frustration at something he wanted to do and couldnt, and H apparently packing! Well dont ask me how, but I managed to breathe, went out to move car onto drive when S was leaving, validate S and say hello to S's GF who I hadnt seen cos of his blacked out windows, then come back in, H was making a cuppa, so I thought regroup, breathe and asked for time to refreshen myself, H looked guilty as he had just emptied the hotwater tank to fix a problem and he was expecting a fuse blow from me, but as I hadnt been near a proper horse, I just mentioned a wash and change was all I needed.

So fresh and attractive I enjoyed my cuppa and was encouraged to sit beside H, he was so obviously tired, and brain frazzled too, he has planned an early night saturday, but S & GF had come over with food to cook and he felt he had to make conversation although he fell asleep on them, he also bruises so easily and had several nasty burns on his arm from the train. It was obvious he didnt want to drive home/go as he kept saying "he ought to" I knew he wanted me to say "its ok stay" but knew if I phrased it wrongly it would create a cut and run moment. So I stated that he didnt have to do anything and could chose to stay and save him the long journey past work only to return in the morning, and he took it with a smile and agreed saying it was sensible to save fuel, but you could see he was grateful for the lifeline I had thrown him.

We cuddle watching a very old James Bond film and at one point I went to the bathroom and check on Babycakes, and when I came back he had his laptop with FB open, he started to close the laptop lid and I said no its ok carrying on if you want, but he said no come back here and have a cuddle its not important. We cooked tea and watched more telly cuddle and I remarked that we it was good to cuddle and that and kisses were one good thing we needed to do more off, something that had seriously got lost along the way. I nodded off a bit so he lifted my legs up and moved settee's and used his laptop again, and again on FB but there was no serious closing up the page when I woke, but maybe thats now because he doesnt feel he has to hide anything, ironic there wasnt anything to hide lol.

We slept in the big bed, isnt it ironic we hadnt slept and I mean sleep in over six months and now he even changed his sentence midway when he went to say MY bed (not his), he said the main bed, still cant quite call it OUR bed. But I woke early and went to put hot water on, as Ive changed it since he left, when I jumped back in, he held my hand and said he'd been asleep since two, interesting his insominia hasnt stopped because he removed me out of his problem! So I mentioned perhaps he should try my tablets, and commented that I only take them to sleep now not so much for the other thing (anxiety) although I may take them for both this evening intimating that it would be hard losing him again, and he replied, "no need for that"

On leaving he kissed me and said he would maybe pop back wednesday, and then said he'd phone thurs, and without realising said no wed wont you want to know about Babycakes visit to the vet, so I then twigged he had ment visiting wed week, he will have finished his contract then so no need to be anywhere, so I hugged him and said it would be very nice.. Not so much a worry as I have heaps to do with some events on madam in the next two weeks..

Anyway enough waffle, just needed to get thoughts on paper, what with Babycakes, WAS coming home, stacking my abs, madam to ride and get ready for event on sunday, Im exhausted and its not even mon pm..
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Weekend Report - 09/28/09 10:38 AM
Sounds perfect Rabbit ... you are making some whacking great inroads.

Your weekend sounds fun - though I was picturing the mechanical bull and not the horse, when you were describing your lesson! How things move on, eh? Technology - a wonderful invention. D'ya reckon there's some percentage in making a mechanical H before we agree to marrying them? [er hum, patent is mine, thank you]!

Glad that Babycakes is doing OK - suggestion: Sat Nav for the bucket, maybe?!! Aren't they funny when they look like they have the radar afront?!! Sounds like she is doing equally as well as you are.

I'm quite sure of this situation being a successful outcome. Look how far you have come so quickly - and I note that you are now coaching others too!

So excited for you Rabbit ... keep up the slow and steady - I know that you must be bursting right now but shorten the stirrups and pull in the reigns for the next round. grin
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Weekend Report - 09/28/09 10:51 AM
Well if we can make an H that looks like Will Smith in the shower scene of I Robot, then Im taking 50/50 missus!

Like the analogy of shorter reins and stirrups, as Im sure he is gonna get jumpy at some point and Im gonna need better balance to ride the jumps!

You joke about the bull but at Badminton they had a mechanical horse that was teaching people to fall properly onto to crash mats, it suddenly stopped dead, dropped a shoulder and hey presto deposited the rider on the crash mat.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Weekend Report - 09/28/09 10:59 AM
OMG - I've just gone cold - that was the exact scenario of my last riding experience but one! My horse stumbled and I went sailing over her shoulder - couldn't kick my foot free of the stirrup and got dragged for a while across the Welsh mountains - head bouncing along the uneven terrain as I kicked and twizzled. I blame that day on my current insanities!

Yes OK - I shall go 50/50 with you, seeing that you are a pal!

Thought that you would like the analogy but I'm sure, all jokes aside, that it doesn't hurt as a precaution. It's why we wear riding hats - just incase!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Weekend Report - 09/28/09 11:10 AM
Ouch Nell that sounds pretty painful, these welshies sure have hootspa as they say! I rode my mates this summer, he has been in semi retirement and we went up over the ridgeway and my mate said shall we trot, and Dan didnt need asking twice two strides of trot then into canter, it was like riding a flying wooley bear, he had completely forgotten he is twenty one, it was just him and auntie rabbit agaisnt the world bless him..

Funny you should say about precautions, I said to my chum yesterday about pull back and she said its so good knowing to expect it as without knowing it would be so much more painful.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Tuesdays Twitterings! - 09/29/09 09:29 AM
Morning all, hope you are all fine!

Babycakes is doing well, she is lying in the lounge in a spot of sunshine toasting her little self. I really should be getting on with chores but feel loathed to move incase I disturb her. Sent H a piccie of her looking very cute yesterday with "hi daddy, thanks for looking after me x babycakes" and H replied "thanks for the cute piccie, just settling down to watch telly x"

One of the things I forgot to report was whilst LM thursday night and in the spirit of "I'd like you do this" I asked H to say my name, he hasnt said it for months now! Well I expected it once but he kept saying it over and over, which was just music to my ears.. Then sunday tea time I said something sassy and got the "lost rabbit you naughty girl" to which he got an extra big squidgey hug.. So my small steps are happening!

Shall leave him be for today, and let him phone me now, he's got to take some of the responsibility for making this relationship work now, but we wont be telling him that lol! He has his first evening class tonight, Im really excited for him because its something he has wanted to do for ages, if he ever comes home I really must help him find suitable alternatives for things he has enjoyed at HIS PLACE, note he doesnt call it home!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Tuesdays Twitterings! - 09/29/09 10:20 AM
So glad Babycakes is recuperating soundly now. Things are looking good for you LR. Keep up the great work!

Cas
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Tuesdays Twitterings! - 09/29/09 06:22 PM
Quiet day really, Babycakes is fine, although still sleeping a lot bless her. Popped to the chiro today to get sore sacro/sacrum fixed its feeling a lot better now, although note to self sassy new high heels not good for shopping in lol!

Interesting chat with S tonight, was telling him how nice he was to come over and spend eve with H whilst I was away, and he said "ooh yeah this came right outta the blue from Dad" Apparently in the middle of conversation S cant even remember how it came out, H said "three weeks ago I thought I knew what I wanted and now I havent got a clue"

Rabbit is going to bed quietly smiling and very happy!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Tuesdays Twitterings! - 09/30/09 12:59 AM
Hi LR

Have just been catching up on your thread. You are doing really really well I don't think you will have to worry so much about a pull back from your H, just stay the course and smile quietly to yourself of how much progress you have made.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Tuesdays Twitterings! - 09/30/09 07:26 AM
Thanks Oz, Im just very wary of being very very slow and careful, feel a bit like this is do or die at the moment. Although it was nice to hear that from S, and Im sure H would know that would get back to me, although to be fair to S he has maintained a steady middle path all the way through this.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Happy Rabbit - 09/30/09 07:43 AM
Well after last nights revelation from S I am feeling quite happy! If I have got Mr Rabbit in a tailspin that is fabulous news, just hope he doesnt spend too much time talking himself out of it this week!

It suddenly occurred to me that not only have I been DB'ing Mr Rabbit some of it has rubbed off on me with how to deal with S and he is responding so much better to things, we have always been close, but I found letting go of him hard and have probably been a bit control/fix it with him. He has bought a new car recently but although I advised him it was given and left and no reaction if he chose to follow his own path, very hard for a mother who wants to fix things but I didnt! I do wonder how much H has been saying LR has changed and S agreeing with him who knows!

Need to start thinking up some special things to do when H comes up again, it would be nice to treat it a bit holidayish although we will have to be very careful with money. Need to get on with reading 5LL's again and work out what floats Mr Rabbit's boat so to speak!

Im in quite a bit of pain today, chiro really beat me up as I was quite locked up, so surfing from my bed at the moment, didnt get a very good nights sleep as babycakes went kitchen cupboard nosing and knocked and empty wine bottle on the floor so was up at four cleaning up the glass!

Other good news on the GAL front I am off to a tap dancing class thursday night with S's future MIL, only trouble is I cant find my tap shoes which is a pain, so fingers crossed I find them today!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Happy Rabbit - 09/30/09 08:27 AM
Well done Rabbit ... For you, what I am most pleased about is how you have lifted your mood over the past few weeks since you arrived here. The changes with H and S are a bonus and you must be feeling chuffed with yourself.

They say that success breeds success and I think that seeing the steps forward that you have made, must make you feel more positive in your heart - which gives your head AND your heart a lift. Backpeddle to Nell and see the opposite scenario!

Sorry that the chiro has beaten you up but again, no pain no gain - you will be feeling the benefit soon!

Ha! Talk to me about naught cats and being up at 4am. Try 03.30hrs for me this morning! In fairness, I woke with a start but they were not long behind me and demanding to go out. I finally got out of bed at 04.45hrs and gave them their wish. I feel bad having them locked in all day but not much I can do. C15 is out there now, knocking the cat flap to come in!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 09/30/09 11:27 AM
First thing this morning I sent a jolly message to H about what were his plans for moving money around today so I could go get some out, and that big bed seemed so empty without him.. as I hit send I thought no shouldnt have added that last bit!

Five hours later quite frustrated with no reply I asked politely for an answer still no reply, truth is H said he was going to be paid today, well its the last day of Sept and usually he gets paid on the first of the month and I kept thinking hes avoiding telling me he was wrong..

So finally my brain kicked in and checked bank account - its there so sent a rescue txt hopefully that said "thank you should have looked at banking silly me x" Well if that was a test I hope he saw I cant always be perfect and sometimes it takes a while for the old penny to drop but Im willing to say sorry and get it right! Hope I havent messed up I didnt let my panic kick in although it may seem so to him.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 09/30/09 11:33 AM
I don't think that there's any harm done at all Rabbit but probably time to pull back now ... enough said and done.

Let H make the next move.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 09/30/09 11:36 AM
I do hope so Nell feel so stupid now it could have been easily avoided if I had used half a brain!

Need to go into town now to pick up money so will pop past later.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 09/30/09 11:38 AM
It's all in the recovery Rabbit and I think your follow up text saved you. It was just a comment and you're back on your happy, independent way! Enjoy your day

Cas
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 09/30/09 11:39 AM
Don't feel stupid - easy mistake, just laugh it off but steer clear of any further contact until you hear from H, OK?? 2x4 time!! <grin>

Will have to catch you tomorrow as I am about to let the furbies in and then we are off to bear garden (night night bears - night night garden)!!

Try to enjoy your day Miss Rabbit ... hop along now with a spring in your step and start planning your next pincer move on H!! (.... but not until he contacts you first - agreed)?!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 09/30/09 08:52 PM
Had a missed call from H earlier, but decided to ignore him! H rang this evening very upbeat, although I was a little cold shouldery as was still miffed about being ignored this morning.
So quite dratted that his phone had played up this morning and only when he got a ars*y email from his boss's boss did he realise that it wasnt working and turned it off and on again for it to spew messages at him amongst them mine!

Anyway he didnt seem perturbed with my txts at all and asked after Babycakes's vet visit, hopefully stitches out monday, but more antibiotics possibly as wound a little angry in centre, but she is gonna be grounded for at least another week or two I reckon.. Then he asked about me, to which I was honest and said I felt quite beaten up still and was taking my painkillers again. He asked had I ridden madam, which I told him yes monday, tuesday no due to chiro, and today no as I was hanging around unsure of the money situaton, no apology from him but then its not his fault or would it really have hurt to confirm him transferring some money over? So hopefully he will assume my less than cheery disposition is due to that and being woken up by babycakes in the night.

He was quite chatty about work, he has been asked to work another couple of weeks, but as that part isnt quite ready to finish he was gonna have a week off then do the two weeks, the email from boss's boss asked him to detail the work needed so boss's boss could do it, well that is a complete joke boss's boss is not known as "dum dum" for nothing and so H is going to tell him quite frankly he will get info over his dead body! Validate H about this but not too enthuasitically as I have done this before and fallen into the "you dont want to do it like that" trap..

We laughed about the bed comment, he said he had been in it for quite a few nights and I joked that it was the bed said it was missing him it preferred equal weight of bodies..

So he said he'd be up wednesday, what are planning doing says I, ooh maybe a few days up at the trains and if you like we could do something nice together, that would be nice I replied, so will have to think of things to do rather than just dunno lol! He said he'd probably be online tomorrow night and I said Im out for a bit dont know when I will be in. So he said he phone me in a couple of days, and I joked well you know how and he replied yes Im doing it now!

Just wasnt the life and soul of the party on the phone, Im tired, sore and a bit confused, he is acting like normal but were not normal were separated, do I start behaving like a dating couple or what?

H has leased his place till end of November, assumed he would have to give one months notice on not renewing, or renew for three months which will be end of Feb, my only big step is to get him home by xmas and start 2010 together, but am I expecting too much?

One befuzzled Rabbit going off to bed!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 09/30/09 09:55 PM
Oh dear, on the work front! Isn't that typical that your texts got caught up but perhaps that diffused the situation anyhow as H had to much other stuff to be concerned about.

For what it's worth (FWIW) I don't think that you can afford to act like a dating couple yet (((Rabbit))). I am not sure that H is quite in that place but I could be wrong, of course. I think that you have his attention but he's still on the knife edge. I do think that it will come - and soon but I think that you need to let him do a bit more work yet and you need to stay strong and hold your current resolve.

You are doing fine - you've had some great wins. Don't spoil it now by trying to run before you are not yet up and walking! Remember why they are called baby steps ... yours are so much more improved but they still need some work and time to perfect the gait!

Be patient - remember how every one says that at the start - you will need patience - and lots of it"?

Glad that BC is doing well. Make sure that wound is well healed before they take the sutures out. I took some out of my boy, a long time ago, and he had an unseen pocket of infection - seconds after the sutures were out, his wound opened up and I had to rush him back for theatre and restitching. Again, take your time and be patient!!

Hope that you get a better sleep tonight. Something is waking me at 02.40hrs lately and I have yet to work it out.

Chat later!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Silly Rabbit - Not good DB? - 10/01/09 07:05 AM
Just checking Rabbit and nice to see all is well at this stage
Posted By: Lost Rabbit A new day! - 10/01/09 07:38 AM
More positive Rabbit today I think, although Babycakes is gonna be stuffed if she keeps up this new game of lets wake mummy up by poking her in the face with the bucket cos she is bored and wants scritchies lol!

So I was awake bright and early this morning and took S a cuppa which was received well, he smiled and said you know the way to my heart mum, I always used to get up and wake him with a cuppa tea before he went to school, maybe its something I should do more often if it keeps him sweet!

Shall spend some time pampering and riding madam today, she has been rather neglected in all this upheaval, thank goodness she is on part livery so is well loved and cared for by yard owner and staff, although she seems to be pleased to see mummy these days a far cry from the mare who was so grumpy and unloved when I bought her several years ago. It much nicer to be greated by a wuffle than her teeth lol!

Bought a fab little jumper & skirt yesterday, black ribbed jumper and the little skirt is in a check but its a diamond shape, 21" in length sexy/sassy but not mutton dressed up as lamb, think it will look smart for the funeral with knee length black boots and maybe a colourful scarf/jewellry to jazz it up.

I have some thoughts on the funeral that I would really like to ask H if we can go as husband and wife and would he mind if I wore my wedding ring, but this time its not out of embarrassment more out of respect for dear friend, she didnt know we have separated and would have been devasted, you see we were the couple that would be in love for ever like her and her beloved, a real teenage sweetheart story so to speak. Also as a great deal of the people there will be old friends (and of course my parents and possibly my sister who do know) and a right old nosy bunch I really dont want to have her day spoilt by tittle tattle about us splitting up.. Just not sure how to put this to H and as funeral isnt till the 14th I have time to ponder on this one..

I do think your right Nell its just a bit too soon for "official dating" although I think thats how H is seeing it, he still has that air of "cut and run" think I need to let him do the phoning, and be sexy/sassy rabbit when he does, maybe the odd cheeky/sexy txt from me for encouragement, and take it SLOW.. I still have a month before he has to give notice, so will just have to work my socks off in that time..

I have my first tap dancing class tonight havent done any since S was fiveish, really looking forward to it and maybe that along with getting on madam again will help shift these last ten pounds or so! Well need to get on will pop past everyone later
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: A new day! - 10/01/09 08:57 AM
Oh Rabbit - I'm sorry. So wrapped up in my own misery of late that I forgot that you were in mourning for your friend. How insensitive of me .... but hold on to yourself as I am bringing out a BIG 2x4 here. ...

What on earth are you even planning to ask H if it's OK to wear your wedding ring for?? Why have you even taken it off?? What is wrong with you?? That's is YOUR ring and you are STILL married. If you want to wear it girl, you go right ahead and who gives a hoot who says or thinks anything of it ... that's your right as a married woman, which you STILL ARE. Don't you dare ask H for permission ... [said with a smile but hands on hips and a stamp for effect]!!

Your outfit sounds befitting the occasion but you should definitely have that band on your finger, OK?

Yes, one month to DB your butt off so that H does not renew the lease or take out another one but slowly - very slowly now - no Rabbit in the headlight scenario's OK?

Good luck at tap dancing - my sister started back last year and loved it but I can't manage that fast pace as my back is shot from all my years of nursing! My hips just wouldn't hold out, either!

Off and enjoy madam today and give her some special cuddles. Was thinking of you this afternoon when I was out doing a visit - had to go through the shopping mall and came across the pet store with all the puppies and kittens in the window - just like it was back home until years ago when it was banned. I still hate that about Australia but maybe one day they will see the error of it (sorry Aussie buds but it does make us Brits cringe)!

Catch you later maybe - I am really tired today and want to spend an early evening in bed with the furbies! I also need to give my hands/finger a rest from this keyboard!

Have a good one, Rabbit.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: A new day! - 10/01/09 03:35 PM
Thanks for the support Cas, sorry I didnt say hi early you snuck in between posts!

Originally Posted By: Eskimo Nell

What on earth are you even planning to ask H if it's OK to wear your wedding ring for?? Why have you even taken it off?? What is wrong with you?? That's is YOUR ring and you are STILL married. If you want to wear it girl, you go right ahead and who gives a hoot who says or thinks anything of it ... that's your right as a married woman, which you STILL ARE. Don't you dare ask H for permission ... [said with a smile but hands on hips and a stamp for effect]!!


Totally understand what and why you are saying this! A bit more explanation is needed. Not sure if I journalled this but in the two and half months before H left, we were invited to a party of an old friend who was also my bridesmaid, me in my embarrassment of all that was happening decreed WE as in me, H and S shouldnt go! Didnt want to go with H not wearing his wedding ring and as wedding ring mark is still evident lots of tittle tattle! He had kept leaving it off at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party the week before so I knew he would do his best to make a statement of it! H went out for the day to do something else then went behind my back to the party and I was left hanging high and dry not knowing where he was and not able to track him down because I knew it wouldnt only make things worse, he finally rang me at two in the morning and in a stroppy fourteen year old boy way said I didnt phone you because of where I was and you could have phoned me! It still leaves a nasty taste in my mouth, he tried to pretend it had been an impromptu thing but it was what it was he went behind my back and did what he wanted like a petulant school boy! It was only three nights since I had start taking my tablets and I felt thoroughly dumped and let down, he lost my trust, love and admiration all in one foul swoop that night! The upshot of it was I took my wedding ring off and havent worn it since!

Thing is I dont want him to believe I am wearing it or asking him to go with me to cover up the embarrassment of it all, I am proud/no longer frightened to say that I am fighting for my marriage, that I have made a lot of mistakes and Im trying to change for the better for me and hopefully to win H's love back. I just think that a funeral is totally the wrong place to make a statement about us and neither was a party but then I didnt HE did, although I dont think he said anything him being there without me was statement enough! and to add insult to injury he told my friend I was busy with the horse, bet she felt fantastic knowing that! ARrrhhh this digs up sore ground not sure how to handle it and I know its certainly gonna have to be talked about at some point with H if we reconcile!

Anyway hope that makes more sense and perhaps between us all we can find a way to ask for what I want without it appearing wrong I dont want to not go to this funeral like I didnt go to the party out of embarrassment!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: A new day! - 10/01/09 09:37 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
I dont want him to believe I am wearing it or asking him to go with me to cover up the embarrassment of it all, I am proud/no longer frightened to say that I am fighting for my marriage, that I have made a lot of mistakes and Im trying to change for the better for me and hopefully to win H's love back. I just think that a funeral is totally the wrong place to make a statement about us


So Rabbit, in your explanation I think you have provided the answer. You are going to the funeral to honour your friend. It's not about you or H. It's about your friend.

You want H there for him, not to cover embarassment or fear. Whether you're wearing a ring is really immaterial then. The fact that you two are there as a couple is the primary consideration. Rings are only a secondary issue. It's probably too early for such a discussion so you make the decision and put them back on unannounced or leave them off. If you put them on and H questions it, you can simply say "Let's talk about it after the funeral" At this stage, I would be inclined to leave them off. The statement to others is there in the fact that you are at the funeral together.
Posted By: Buttercup37 Re: A new day! - 10/01/09 11:55 PM
So sorry to hear about your friend.

I agree that it's your choice whether to wear the rings or not. I haven't been able to wear my rings since my operation (Started out the beginning of the year by breaking my ring finger...now is that foreshadowing or what?!) and if people want to gossip because I'm not wearing rings then I really don't care! There are many valid reasons why someone might not have their rings on.

Just seems like with the situation so fresh in you guys getting back together, even mentioning the rings would kinda put him on the spot and even though it's not a big thing - being a guy he might take it as a big thing....especially if you ask him to wear his. You can't stop gossips if they want to gossip... you might wear your rings and they still might notice some other stupid thing to gossip about.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: A new day! - 10/02/09 07:06 AM
Thank you Cas & Buttercup

I do think you have hit the nail on the head, I want to go with him as husband and wife, rings dont really matter, I would like to wear mine but perhaps the key is not say anything about H wearing his, I got my knickers in a right royal twist at mum & dads wedding do, and he just did it all the more! Although I do have to say I think that side of my H is not around at the moment but I dont want to help it rear its ugly head again do I?

Will think on it some more and come back to this later!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit What fun! - 10/02/09 07:30 AM
Went to tap class last night and enjoyed myself gonna take a while to get back in the swing and despite being reasonably fit from riding madam it was hard work!

Anyway got home and no Mr Rabbit on msn, so at nine thirty I had an impish moment and txt him saying "got bored of waiting for you to msn, Im off to play with my pu$$y!" Well he couldnt get on there fast enough lol! Asked me if I had enjoyed my dancing, so S had let the cat outta the bag on that one, so I replied "yes it was fun although I had a bit of trouble with my pole" conversation carried on like this

H "yes I know the problem"
R "well you wouldnt have if you me sort it"
H "Im currently being asked to fire sat"
R "thats nice"
H "so not sure if to come up fri/sat or sat/sun"
R "im confused"
H "you been sniffing wine again"
R "no just the cocodomol"
H "mmmmm"
R "youre not thinking late at night again, you know its bad for you"
H "no Im talking to M & A (railway mates)
R "at least im better looking than those two"
H "also emailing A" (old singing mate)
Rabbit inwardly panicking that H is going to join operatics again down there that would be definitely a spanner job!
R "thats nice"
H "yes we keep planning to meet up but he's been working (policeman) and I have to keep coming to B (home)
R "no one is making you I can always show my pole dance to someone else"
R "wonders if there is a pole dancing section on match.com

Well it just went on and on naughty inuendos about poles and dancing, and a few more jokes about if hes not interested I can get a replacement, and he joked his pole has never not been interest, and I laughed that we lived at no 29 not you know the other number lol! Laughed about finding a costume for my pole dancing and just kept reeling him in and in lol! Then finally H said "im a bit worried there seem to be a lot of poles and Im english" (sorry anyone with polish background)

Upshot is Im off early to get something pole dancing appropriate for this evening, and guess whos coming back early again, only for fri/sat as I have stuff to do with madam all weekend, but he cant seem to stay away. He could have so easily said no this is my one weekend at home in three weeks to the railway and he didnt! Only spanner is S is going to be home for a bit and I went "mmm gonna rouine my romantic eve with your dad" to which he replied "dont worry I can take my PS3 to my room" so I blew him several kisses.. He probably thinks his parents are mad making out like a couple of teenagers again but it seems to be working and it is quite good fun!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: What fun! - 10/02/09 09:04 AM
Funtastic Rabbit ... I'm gonna have to find me some new buddies ... you and Oz are disappearing fast though I am very, very happy for you both :o)

As for the rings, don't know what all the fuss is about really. We are talking October now and, if I know the good old blighty weather, it will be freezing cold and you will have gloves on!!

Nah, talking to my sis last night, she tells me that it is sunny and warm at the moment. Exactly as it was a year ago when H and I came home for a month. That's gone so quickly - oh to have that time back again and know what I know now.

Have fun over the weekend. Catch you when you get back from Pole-land!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: What fun! - 10/02/09 12:55 PM
Nah cant get rid of me that easily Nell, anyway even if it all went hunky dory tomorrow I'd hang about to nag and support you lol! Once youve got me as a friend your stuck with me for life! ((Nell))
Posted By: Buttercup37 Re: What fun! - 10/02/09 01:16 PM
Great conversation! No wonder he is coming back again & again! You and Dia and Oz inspire me to keep trying to slowly push my current comfort zone with the flirting! (Not where you guys are yet in my R but H is seeming receptive to some new flirty talk/behavior.)

I'm so glad you guys are hanging around to inspire people like Nell and me! If my relationship can be saved, I'm going to be pretty confused about how to handle things in the beginning so that I won't fall back into old, bad behaviors. So I'm taking notes from you guy's posts...hope I get to use the ideas!

smile
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: What fun! - 10/02/09 08:26 PM
Nice one, rabbit!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: What fun! - 10/03/09 02:06 AM
Good to hear Rabbit - we need to figure out how we can swap email addresses at the very least. I won't go back on FB as it's got bad memories for me ... how can we get around this?? Any ideas??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Anticipation! - 10/03/09 09:46 AM
is a killer, you want to try shopping for frillies with s*x on your mind lol! Bought a pretty lacey strappy top with matching undies, I so seriously could become a lingerieaholic, it sure beats saddlecloths lol!

Was going to ride Madam but decided a) leg was seriously sore after walking round the shops and b) she is going to quite busy for the next three days so deserved a rest.

Had txt H in the morning and mentioned we had a little klingon (S) for tea so what did he fancy, and signed it pole dancing pu$$y so much sexier than HID (her indoors). So he asked for fajitas and plenty of alcohol, so got dinner sorted out as well!

Only thing I hadnt anticipated, H arrived half an hour early and my hair was still in big curls ala Hilda Ogden Nell but still looking sexyish. We had a cuppa and talked about things, he kept talking about his life down there, and as we sat cuddling on the settee, he talked more about joining this and that! And taking this and that from our home as he has a week off but isnt coming up here for a few days into it! I finally had enough of him rubbing my face in his new life and sexily turned round and said words to the effect, if you keep rubbing my face in certain things I can and will retreat behind my boundaries I do have some you know! Intimating that I wasnt going to be his weekend sex kitten if he carried on building a life to go back too with no intention of building a life with me ever again! Im definitely no victoria sponge!

Have you ever tried to kill four and half hours when either of you quite frankly cant wait lol. We went to pick up babycakes new antibiotics and then I suggested going for a pre-dinner drink.

Great idea says H, so I order wine and g&t for H and I wanted to order some bread nibbles to soak up the large glass of wine I'd ordered, but tis the sorta pub you get a table no then order food so a bit of panic set in and I TOLD H to get a table, he gruffly said no rush and I twigged what I had done. So I smiled, said youre right daft me lets go find a table and come back and tell the gentleman where we are sitting, with that H went to look for one and came back and told the man no 17, thats appropriate I laughed, I chose it on purpose or something like that from H, when I went round the corner there were three tables and H had not avoided no 17 but picked it on purpose, we got married on the 17th.

We spent an hour stroking and stealing lingering kisses from each other whilst H pretended to read the menu, think the staff were blushing, H teased me that he expected that they thought he had taken his secretary out for drinks and we were having an affair.

On the drive home

H "can I say something"
R "please do"
H "did you realise that in our conversations so far you have referred to yourself about eight times as 'a wife' You make yourself sound like a job description you are a woman first and a wife/parent second"
R "thank you for that youre right and its something Im working on, I enjoy being a woman now, I feel great, sexy and most of all its fun"
H "Im really glad you are enjoying being yourself its important"
R "and Im enjoying you feeling able to share something with me"

We went home and cooked dinner with S he made nachos which he is fab at, and we cooked the fajitas, S kept telling us to "get a room" and saying "it was disgusting at our age" but the I expect he is secretly pleased we were getting on so well!

Well S carried on playing wallflower after dinner, and subjected us to watching him play Fifa10, snoringly boring! But he finally left to pick up his GF from the station and stop over at hers! So I snuck upstairs and put on my pole dancing outfit and killer heels and proceed to show H the goods, well he was suitably impressed and again a fun night was had by both!

In the morning we snuggled and ML again, and some how we ended up talking about complaints and I said "in future if you have a complaint bring it straight to the complaints dept" meaning I want you to share things with me! So he promptly replied "come on wheres that coffee"

He showered and sat on the bed, looking sheepish, so I teased him that he looked sheepish like someone who had woken up in the wrong bed, he smiled and said if he didnt want to be there he would have snuck off at six in the morning! Anyway he collected his things together and todded off to do his own thing!

Im loving all this "courting" for want of a better word, but I know that it cant go on like this for ever, and also that I want some sort of commitment to a relationship from him, still no ILY, although he did mention again "is it nice being desired" to which I replied "yes but there are better words for that, although I understand that is just a bit too scary for you atm" meaning I so want to love me! He got the gist but its not coming yet! I have had a fantastic time again, but why do I just feel like crying, there is so much I could journal so many little clues but my head is spinning, I know he wants to be with me, but that MLC/Alien man is still present, I do think/know that if he renews his lease and the new job he is pursuing is the same side of london to keep his place, Im going to have to start doing WAW, it scares me but I dont want to be a six month affair going no where!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Anticipation! - 10/03/09 10:07 AM
Wow, Rabbit! Awesome! What can I say? It sounds wonderful! I can understand your frustration and I can see you don't want H to be thinking this is ok for the future. I guess at the moment the patience mantra has to be applied for a short while. It allows him a little space and gives him time to consider his position without being given an ultimatum. Why not put a date on your calendar and do nothing until that date? When you reach the date you can always postpone. It sounds like you are enhancing your communication anyway, so the discussions could just go there naturally.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Anticipation! - 10/03/09 10:18 AM
Slowly, slowly Rabbit ... maybe it's time for Gucci to come visiting with a piece of advice on your next move! Have you heard from him yet? I don't remember, I'm afraid.

You sound like you are having a great time but I think that you are wanting to cry as this is seriously messing with your emotional/hormonal ebb and flo's.

Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Im going to have to start doing WAW, it scares me but I dont want to be a six month affair going no where!


I know that you are enjoying what's happening with H and I sooooo see the temptation but I think that it's a bit too easy for your H at the moment - he wants it and you are giving it. He's not doing any work as such and yet he comes home and eats cake. If you continue to allow that, why would he be motivated to moving back?

I don't know what else to tell you really, just that I am here, as always. ((((((((((Hugs Rabbit)))))))))
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Anticipation! - 10/03/09 10:32 AM
Yep, Nell is right. It is cake eating and as Nell suggests it could be the time to pull back. Only you know what to do here.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Anticipation! - 10/03/09 06:51 PM
Cas and Nell you have hit the nail on the head, the thing I sense most from him is that he has not had control for a long time possibly never in his eyes, and he likes having some control as much as I like being the new woman.. We have to come to some point where he feels comfortable relinquishing his control some of the time, not all of the time because I believe he needs to be more in charge of his own destiny and so do I!

I know that whilst we are having an "affair" so to speak and our R is moving forward either in honesty or perhaps renewing how we feel about each other I feel happy not considering it "cake eating". He isnt always running away any more, I mentioned that it would be nice to have a weekend away together and he agreed! When I teased him about looking sheepish, he said it was a positive thing he was at least going off to do his own thing not running away from me.. like I said there are so many little steps, like me asking if he wanted to be put on the electoral register, adding no point if you are never going to live with me again, he never said no, just said he hadnt put his name on the one he'd received at his place! He is giving me baby steps but is still to ready to run backwards if threatened!

He is coming up on wednesday and although Im open to having some fun, Im not going to instigate it at all, there are also some household things that need doing so we will see if being with Rabbit doing chores holds the same alure! Its hard because I totally understand where he is coming from, but at the same time Im hackering after roses, chocolates and romance! Will have to see where this goes over those next few days, if he is incapable of giving me something towards an ILY well then I think Im just going to have to be busy "washing my hair" and finding more suitable GAL activities, till he realises this victoria sponge isnt for eating! Yes I am doing the pursuing(reeling in) at the moment but I do want to be pursued too, and certainly do not want to be the "safe bet" Mr Rabbit isnt stupid he knows exactly what Im up to and Im sure he will also realise that Im not going to accept being taken for granted either, its just a case of how do we get from A to B with both of us fufilling the criteria we have set. But then no one said it would be easy lol!

I certainly would value some Gucci input after H goes back next week, bearing in mind that its some sort of effort into the R side of things I am looking for, and if there is none then I reckon its Gucci time!
Posted By: goodattitudegirl Re: Anticipation! - 10/03/09 07:38 PM
LR,

Just caught up on your sitch. I agree with Cas, Nell, and you that it may be time for "gucci-like" measures. Think of it as an experiment in the short term and monitor results. I know just how hard it is to do this sort of thing.....your emotions are all over the place, even more than when you are straight-out trying to re-establish contact (i.e. pursuing).

Question: in the past did you and your H ever have a pursuer - distancer dynamic? If so, did your H ever play the pursuer role? If so, he probably has it in him to do that again. What was it about that time that made him want to pursue? You might be able to play this card again????

Thanks for your fabulous suggestions for my "date" night with H. I posted a synopsis on my thread. If you have a chance I'd love your feedback on my evening with H. The "racy" stuff is at the end ----mild compared to YOUR sitch. I'm reading your post to get more flirting ideas.

Best,

GAG
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Anticipation! - 10/04/09 02:46 AM
So, there you have it Rabbit ... now watcha gonna do next??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Anticipation! - 10/04/09 03:20 PM
Win a red rossette on my darling baby girl and grin like a muppet for at least a week!

Ooppps did that today lol, we won the yard "one day event" better than an organism (yes I did spell that wrongly on purpose) lol.

As for the rest will see how that ticks along next week, before instigating "operation gucci"

GAG he did a lot of the pursuing first time round I have to admit I did lead him a merry dance but I was only sixteen and thats my excuse anyway.. Nell Im just going to take it slowly next week and see what pans out!
Posted By: Buttercup37 Re: Anticipation! - 10/04/09 03:42 PM
Rabbit, have you read Mars & Venus on a date? The different stages of dating are super useful to know. Sounds like he's in stage 1 or 2 while you are thinking it's a 3 or 4. Even in my situation (stage 0?!) this is a helpful book!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Anticipation! - 10/04/09 04:00 PM
Have read it before when it first came out, not sure if I still have it, can you remind me of the stages Buttercup that would be useful!
Posted By: Buttercup37 Re: Anticipation! - 10/04/09 06:00 PM
Mars & Venus on a Date & How a woman should act during those stages:
Stage 1 - Attraction: You are the special one. Let him do things for you that make you happy. Seeing you happy is what will make him happy. Be gracious, positive, sweet, and appreciative for his efforts but do not do things back for him or you are undermining his pursuit. (Can kiss but would not be having sex with him at this stage.)

Stage 2 - Uncertainty: Things were great. Now suddenly he doesn't call or ask you out. He's pulled back and is having doubts. Give him room. If you talk to him do not pressure him or act hurt. Be sweet, positive, and short conversation. Leave him knowing that when he gets over his doubts and sees how wonderful you are - he can contact you without fear of you holding it against him. But keep BUSY with your life at this point! Do not wait around for him.

Stage 3 - Exclusivity:
Stage 4 - Intimacy
Stage 5 - Engagement

(H just got home. Might be able to post more from the book later.)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 07:29 PM
Well the boiler is misbehaving and its blooming freezin, so I sent H a txt with a picture of madam with her rosette on and ask him if I can relight the pilot, so he phoned me back, he was very complimentary about my winning and agreed that I need to phone the engineer tomorrow morning, then he started being twitchy, he told me about his firing then said he might not be coming up till thursday now! He then got very twitchy and defensive, I mention he seemed antsy but no no hes ok, bullfrogs is he, he has spent the day with my sister and my parents, so I bet a great deal of stirring has gone on and suddenly hes not coming till thursday, well I said "do as you please it makes no difference to me" Im so angry at the moment my family have obviously been stirring.. I just want to txt him and tell him to forget it all Ive had enough he can have his stupid life Im seeing a lawyer and to hell with it all! I have had a fabulous day with madam, got our first red rossette which means a lot to us as we have had to put a great deal of hard work in to get it and he spoils it all.. My own stupid fault I guess shouldnt have txt him..
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 07:48 PM
Congratulations on the rosette. Well done!

I'd be contacting your sister to find out what happened when H was there with them.
Posted By: Buttercup37 Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 08:04 PM
Congrats on the rosette also! Nothing worse than a well-meaning family member or friend to try to help but end up really messing up a relationship that is kinda rocky or is just back on the road to healing. You can't control what your family does or says to him but you can support how he felt about it.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 08:10 PM
Believe me ladies what my parents/sister do is anything but well meaning!

He knows what they are all like, I havent been friends with my sister for years! With all the spiteful things she has done, but H has suddenly become all rose tinted glasses about how they used to be friends before and I apparently stopped it!

Im just so angry at the moment I just want to end the whole thing, I cant do this anymore.. Im fed up of being on my own in this big house whilst he is poncing about leaving me to be responsible for it all!

Feel like txting him that if he must use the place as a b&b he can wait till friday!
Posted By: Buttercup37 Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 08:31 PM
Hang in there rabbit!!! Jump in that car or go for a walk - whatever and get out of the house for awhile. Your feelings totally make sense but do not txt him. Let him realize on his own what your sister is like - keep being the great wonderful you! If it's time to give up on him then let it be your own decision that you've given some serious thought to...don't react to your sister who seems to be trying to push your buttons. If she's as negative as what you say then she doesn't deserve to see any reaction from you at all.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 08:33 PM
Thanks Buttercup wise words, thats why we moved away from them all as its much pleasanter than being amongst a bed of vipers. I did say to H if he plays with vipers he is liable to get bitten! But then every thing I think is wrong these days just because he wants to do the opposite just because he can!
Posted By: goodattitudegirl Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 08:52 PM
Rabbit,

Ditto what BC said. This is a good time to follow GIMA's 48 hour rule. Give yourself 48 hours to cool off and think before you take action. Is there some way to find out what the interaction between H and your family was?

Sorry for being dense. Is the rosette really what I THINK it is??????

GAG
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 10:30 PM
Hi LR

Sorry I haven't been on for a bit still waiting for the net to be connected at home,so relying on work's net at present.

I think like everyone else, you need to just back it off a little bit because whilst he is coming and go like he is, you are giving him everything whilst he is at home, you need to make him want to come back more and more to get just a little bit more from Rabbit, so don't show him all your goods at once, little bits at a time.

I am sure he does want to come back Rabbit but is still unsure because of the aliens he is mixing with, but he will need to be reeled in very very slowly.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 10:32 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Im just so angry at the moment I just want to end the whole thing, I cant do this anymore.. Im fed up of being on my own in this big house whilst he is poncing about leaving me to be responsible for it all!


Oh my friend - read this again, now who do you sound like?! Oh yes, that would be me!

You may be fed up about the whole situation but you ARE doing this ... it's not about can't. What option do you have? You have not been able to drag H back kicking and screaming so you have got him there by being the best DB'er that you possibly can.

Now then, examine the facts: H has said that he will arrive a day later than planned. Try to forget the interaction between him and your family for a moment - all that means is that we are talking 24hrs later ... 24hrs. We have been doing this for much longer than 24 days ... so that, in my mind, is not long to wait. Frustrating yes, but you go kicking off now and all you will see is the smoke from his heels. WAIT do nothing.

For what it's worth, I would not be contacting your family over this. Your relationship with them is not great in the first place - you go in guns blazing and see how things deteriorate - not only with you and them but with you and H too. Back off - show them that they are not worth it and you don't need to know - what's more, you don't care! Remember, fake it till you make it.

This could all be a ploy - H could well be looking for a reaction here so don't give it to him! I believe that, in their own way, WASs DB us as much as we do them. I emailed and sent a text to my H last night in regard an urgent financial meeting and guess what? No reply.

I think that the disappointment of your H pushing back on the plans has come as even more of a bitter pill off the back of your brilliant win and Red Rosette - well done you and madam!! You were literally 'riding high' and H has brought you crashing down with a thud, putting you lower than you were ready to go after such a positive performance.

You have also been living off the back of your big win in the bedroom stakes and this is the 'pull back' that I tried to warn you would come, remember??? Read back over your post, if not! This is not a 2x4 upside your head but just to highlight that we see this all the time on the forum and yet everyone jumps into the same firepit. It's purely being over-eager at your success and wanting to move H on before he is ready. This is a NORMAL response from the WAS and now you are experiencing it, you see how painful it can be.

So, what to do next? IMHO you sit and wait. Go quiet. H has already said that he will be with you on Thursday so what have you to lose until then? Continue about your merry way, be as happy as you can muster and be ready for when he does arrive, showing him that changing his plans have not affected you one iota. Do something meanwhile to work off that anger and tension that you have allowed to mannifest itself and then start to prepare!

Like most of us, you want the house looking good when H arrives, with just the right amount of 'evidence' around the place to show that you have been GAL'ing, so go pull on those Marigolds and take out your tension on something positive.

Rabbit, I'm not trying to brush off your feelings because you know that I feel exactly as you do about being left in the house and being expected to cope alone. You are making some much better inroads than I am though and I would hate to see you blow this now. You have to 'do the dance' and take one step forward and then two backward ... there must be a name for that in tap, right?!!

As they say here in Oz, "toughen up Princess" or "get a can of harden up spray" .... and go about YOUR business, do not dwell on H's. He will do what he will, with or without you. Do not let him affect you today. Get up and get on with your day, whatever it has in store.... be the fun Rabbit that we all know and love - have your cry or your little tanty and move forward .... make this disappointment work in your favour and not against you.

Work out that anger BEFORE H comes on Thursday but also work out what your 'new' rules are going to be. You now know that he is cake eating, so why wait another week before you go Gucci?? What is to be gained - and have H's actions this week already not shown you WHY you need to act with some boundaries or some solution focused goals??

((((Rabbit)))) I fear that you are going down a cheeseless tunnel here .... get the book out and make a new path leading to the prize ... FIND THE CHEESE!!! I think that you don't have to go far - you are right along side it.

Now, here's MY challenge to you .... watcha gonna do, girlfriend?!! Sink, or swim??
Posted By: goodattitudegirl Re: Enough is Enough! - 10/04/09 11:19 PM
Nell,

Thanks for your excellent post. This was just what I needed to hear now too.

The thought occurred to me after reading your response that if Mr. Rabbit pushed back after interacting with LR's family it would be really easy for him to transfer ALL of his guilt/anger to Ms. Rabbit if she inserts herself into this situation by contacting him. He will have to be alone with his thoughts if Ms. Rabbit keeps quiet. Just my 2 cents as we say in this part of the world.

GAG
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Brighter Bunny! - 10/05/09 07:15 AM
Thank you ladies and huge huglets Nell, your so right I did need a 2x4 up the head, guess what you said was on the button, the one thing that made winning sour was that I wanted to come and be the returning champion to my H, and although he was very congratulating it wasnt enough..

I have no intention of contacting my family the least the better with that lot! I stick to the occasional "how are you doing phone call" once a month.

It is one of the hard parts of being no-contacty that we dont ask what they are doing, so Mr Rabbit may well have a perfectly good reason for wanting more time and may well have been itching for me to ask about it but I did manage to DB my way through on that point..

Need an action plan, if he does come out wednesday Im going out all dolled up, and thursday I have tap so I can pull the no thanks Im too tired stunt if he gets "handy harry" Im going to back off and step behind my boundaries, it wasnt like he wasnt warned last week I would.. Need to play it cool, no words of affirmation regarding love from Mr Rabbit, no hot loving from Mrs Rabbit..

Cant remember who asked but I won a red rossette & trophy for horse riding, a one day event is a dressage test, show jumping and cross country. I have a beautiful irish horse who is referred to on the board as madam!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Brighter Bunny! - 10/05/09 09:10 AM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
no hot loving from Mrs Rabbit..


My word, she's getting it (the message, that is)!! Can you stick to it now?? It's one day, one opportunity - carpe diem - sieze the day and use it as a lesson to H. He needs some push back from YOU this time.

Gee, I must have exhausted my brain power first thing this morning - I have nothing left this evening Rabbit, except for my usual (((hug))) to you and babycakes - madam too, of course!

Now, get creative and figure out how we can swap email addresses, without getting caught! I have a plan, it's a cunning plan, but open to abuse so need to be careful ... !
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Brighter Bunny! - 10/05/09 11:49 AM
Thanks Nell, I can see you have been wise wording your way round the board today so no wonder youve run out of steam lol. Im feeling a little deflated probably due to tiredness, I have ridden for five/six hours over the last three days and Im not as young as I used to be!

Re our cunning plan, I did think we could put several letters in our signature each day, say at the bottom, so we can piece them together, if you are following my drift, I have added a few at the bottom of mine today!

Totally get you on pull back, just need to be subtle dont want it to be perceived as sulking cos he didnt come when he said he would! In fact it would be better if he came when he said he would and I can stand him up lol!

Gosh no wonder we are all tired and brain ache sudoko seems a walk in the park compared to DB'ing smile
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Brighter Bunny! - 10/05/09 12:03 PM
Hi Rabbit, I have been reading along but I think Nell is giving the best responses and my words are unnecessary!

Must say, though I did smile at your strategy of standing him up!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Brighter Bunny! - 10/05/09 01:54 PM
Oh well I just got a snarky txt from H about me having to do something with the bank account.. So I tried to but cos of the fraud I have to do the twenty minute journey into the next town to sort it out in the branch.. So I lost it a bit and phoned was greeted by hello my dear, but I wasnt having it and said "no can do, cant do it till wed, just keep going into B for everything" yes I was a bit snarky and no I dont care! He said it wasnt his fault, and I replied no but it would have been nicer if you had phoned instead of txting me orders.. said sorry I was snarky but Im tired and just have too much to do at the moment.. Babycakes has just had her stitches/staples out and her bucket removed, so I sent H a nice txt from her showing her free at last, now honestly I dont care if he replies.. Not sure if thats NC or detaching not that Im bothered.. Im not always gonna be perfect and if I cant have a moan to the one person I love who can I moan too.. Im just out for a two hour round trip with my mate so Im not going to get any rest this evening.. But I do need to get an early night and catch up on some sleep, Im always like a bear with a sore head when tired and Im fractious and grumpy.. Will clean the house with a vengence tomorrow and try and get back to being relaxed happy rabbit.. Please dont tell me off girls I know I did wrong so I will just have to live with the consequences!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Rabbit applies 2x4 to own derrier! - 10/05/09 07:16 PM
Right trip out did me the power of good, fresh air, a good blast down the motorway with the radio blaring, haggled a two hundered pound discount of my mates trailer, and then blasted back down the motorway and came home!

Tomorrow is another day and I will get my house in order both theoretically and housework wise! Im going quiet, I am no longer available to H he is gonna have to chase me! Enough of the mithering and winging its get on with it time..
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Rabbit applies 2x4 to own derrier! - 10/05/09 09:46 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Please dont tell me off girls I know I did wrong so I will just have to live with the consequences!


OK - so I'm not gonna tell you off - you know what you did wrong so enough said!!

The bank bit is what is causing angst here too! I am wondering why it falls on the LBS to take over the accounting. I guess that this is another symptom of alienitis.

Great that you haggled your Rabbit whiskers off mate! Does this mean that you now get full use of said trailer (out here called a float)?!!


So happy that babycakes is no longer Mrs. Buckethead! Did her wound hold out? I'm sure that it did but my paranoia remains after the story I told you about my old puss. BC will be running around like a good 'un now, I bet!! Gotcha on the secret code. I have got those and will await - if I get it wrong, I shall start my own. You and I had EXACTLY the same thought Rabbit!!

Well, I don't know what happened yesterday but I seem to have had a lot of compliments re my posting! It's very kind of people to comment - funny how I was able to impart some wisdom when that very evening I totally lost it for myself.

Calmer today - H must be back now and I see that I have an email from him, so I shall go see what he has to say and join you later back over on my thread, where I shall catch up!

Have the best day that you can Rabbit. Keep a little of the anger in your repository - I feel that it helps in toughening you for Round Two of Down the Rabbit Burrow ... (the alternate word to burrow sounded rude in this context so decided to change it)!!

Catcha later!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Rabbit applies 2x4 to own derrier! - 10/06/09 07:34 AM
Oh Nell you do keep me smiling hun, it did take a few minutes for the last bit to sink in, but oh what a joyous laugh its caused when the penny dropped!

Babycakes is fine, the centre part of her scar had a nice scab on it, but when the staples came out that came off so that is a little bit weepy, but Im keeping her in for at least another ten days till its all healed thoroughly, she is due her vaccs now so it will be ideal to get both thing checked and done then.

Yes we will be able to go out and play with my mate, she has a baby ex-racehorse, so madam goes out as the "ive been there done it girl" or auntie madam. C has been a great friend and got me doing stuff I never dreamed a forty something would be doing with her horse, she is fifteen years younger than me, so she is horse mummy and Im mummy mummy it works well.

Nothing back from H but then it didnt really require a reply I suppose. Housework today and boiler man coming so can get some heating on when needed. It definitely turned wintery here now, but then if Mr Rabbit gets his act together its a good excuse for lots of log fires and snuggling, if not then BC gets all the cuddles.

Will put the next bit on the secret code today, arnt we naughty lol, and its so spooky how we think alike!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Rabbit applies 2x4 to own derrier! - 10/06/09 11:54 AM
Gotcha Rabbit - remember to take the letters off!!

Really happy that my post puts a smile on your face and a laugh in your heart!

If BC's scar is looking a bit pus-like, just put a small amount of salt in some warm water and give it a wipe - one direction only and not back and forth (spreads the infection)! Alternatively, just her licking to clean it is great antiseptic all on it's own.

Your horsey activities sound like just the biz to keep you occupied and you would love it where I am as there are horsey things going on quite close by. I wish that I had not lost my bottle after my fall. I could be out now doing such.

Glad that you have the heating going again. You can always have the choice to turn it off in preference to the log fire! WAIT and see what happens!

Meanwhile, keep warm with Doc Martin on the box ... I was there in Port Isaac a year ago!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Help me catch my breath! - 10/06/09 09:53 PM
H is starting relationship talk..
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Help me catch my breath! - 10/07/09 12:46 AM
That's good LR just remember to validate where appropriate.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Shell Shocked! - 10/07/09 08:04 AM
Was just closing down my laptop to go to bed when H msn's me!

Well tbh I have just about had it with him this week, not that he has done anything particular, but more I had a large dose of perspective and started to feel if it was done it was done! So I was definately short blunt and mysterious lol!

So anyway conversation goes like this!

H Hi
R Hi
H Hows the pu$$y? (probably referring back to our little joke)
R Shes fine (referring to real life babycakes)
H And you?
R Ok
H Just ok?
H Hip?
R Yep
H Did you get it fixed (chiro)
R Yep but its still a PITA
H PITA?

Rabbit was about to add a bit like you but H continued

H I would have thought with all the weight you have lost it would have eased it up
R Possibly

H Went on to talk about his photo class and tbh I turned off didnt want to hear about his life down there! Then wham! He started to talk about that despite how great the s*x was we needed to start talking and see if we could find out what we had back twenty three years ago, he said his wall was practically down, to which I reply probably not best to do this with any wall in place? Its just a pile of rubble really, to which I replied but Im not prepared to clear it up, as he replied just need a good jcb to shift it in one go, to which we both laughed.. Cant go into it all, I wanted to copy the msn blog so that I could reread it but closed it down by accident. He talked about how much fun us going to the pub had been the other night and he wanted to do more of just getting to know each other again, Im just me I said but Im not the same, he confessed that he had gone from not being able to bear to being in the same house with me to wanting to see if we could find IT again! Backed up with Im not promising anything and dont get the flags out! So it appears Im going to be really dating my H smile

Now I need some advice here, I had planned to go out on a pretend friend/datey thing tonight, put a mans name on the calendar which H hasnt seen so could be scrubbed over, but could guess that it would get back to H via S.. Part of me thinks this is wrong but I so needed to look like I was GAL in the evenings. H said it would be nice if we could do something together, but couldnt decide whether he was coming up wed late or thursday.. But did say not to cancel anything on his behalf which I definitely wasnt planning too lol! So what do you think folks do I still do this or is it a tad too dangerous bearing the circumstances.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/07/09 08:16 AM
If H is talking about the wall being almost down and the need for relationship talks, I wouldn't complicate things, Rabbit.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/07/09 08:45 AM
Yes Im inclined to agree with you Cas, think I'll add a girls name on the calendar make it look like a group outing and still go out but not too glam, just dressed nicely. I just didnt want to rub it out as he said not to cancel anything and it might look too pursuing if I cancelled mysterious man!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/07/09 09:00 AM

I agree - don't over-complicate things Rabbit - could backfire, just remember what happened with Oz and her subsequent advice, OK??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/07/09 09:03 AM
Back pedalling plans as we speak lol!
Posted By: goodattitudegirl Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/07/09 04:49 PM
Rabbit,

Agree with Nell and Cas. The second course of action sounds right. Let H pursue a bit. Reel him in nice and slowly........

Will be watching to see what develops.

Nell, if you have time would you please give the condensed version of what happened with Oz? I remember reading some of that sitch, but didn't get the complete picture. (Thanks!)

GAG
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/07/09 11:51 PM
Hi LR

Definitely don't go and add a mans name to your calendar, at this point now, you want to start reeling him in, not give him fuel to run in the opposite direction. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME and I didn't even have a name on a calendar.

Your H has opened up to you and you need to now embrace that. It isn't easy for males to open up like we women do, so he needs to be congratulated and given some respect for that.

You still want him to pursue you but don't make it really hard for him or all your good work will go down the drain. Try to meet him halfway, show him how much fun you are to be with.

We are having a naughty night out Friday night, he has booked the hotel, we are going out for dinner, then onto a wine bar for some music, stuff we used to do before we got lost in the humdrum routine of life, kids, work.

Keep that as your goal LR, to get back to what you had when you met. Don't be afraid of the R talk.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/08/09 11:35 AM
Thank you Oz, have to say the R talk is a bit scary at the moment! H wants to go there and is showing it physically, but isnt quite ready to spit the words out yet.

He came up last night after I had gone to bed, he slept in the spare room and I popped in about 1am to check on him and had a cuddle, then went back to the big bed. In the morning he joined me in the big bed for coffee and we ended up ML, and it is ML not s*x and far more intimate than it has been in years. We chatted a bit and I said trying to avoid it sounding like R talk, that I wasnt sure where he was wanting to take this at the moment and he said neither did he, I wasnt worried he is at least being honest as I expect this is scaring him too.

We got breakfast and coffee and sat chatting, and he accidently made me feel very used and dumped. I just had to walk away and do something else, but he followed me to kitchen and said he was sorry he realised as the words left his mouth how unintentionally awful the must have sounded, and that he was looking to get to know me again and he wanted to spend time with me not just in bed. So that a big start for which I thanked him for being respectful and honest.

So I suppose we just take each day as we come now and see where it leads us. Of course any advise from those in the same situation and just starting R talks would be grateful or even point me in the right direction to any good threads.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Shell Shocked! - 10/08/09 11:51 AM
GAG - in a nutshell (and sorry to hijack your thread Rabbit), Oz GAL'd her butt off and was so mysterious that her H thought that she was having an A and he moved out!

Fortunately, Oz was able to bring it back around but it was a hairy 48 hrs or so on the board.

She's doing just fine now, as you will have probably gathered from what you read here. Good on her, I say! Rub off some of that luck to the rest of us .... eh??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Taking one day at a time! - 10/08/09 05:05 PM
H went off out today and I have got my hair cut, its not quite as nice as first time as its been dried naturally curly rather than smooth curly, but its nice.

It appears that H has dropped his second bomb shell of wanting to get to know me again and maybe see where this goes without realising that we are both doing things for the next week. He said not to cancel anything I had planned which is good, feel that he respects that I will no longer drop every thing for him.

I have my tap class tonight and afterwards H & S are organising a curry so it will be a nice family night. It will be good for H & S to have some male bonding time whilst Im out for a bit. Im so glad that there relationship hasnt suffered throughout all this upheaval.

I want to plan a date with H, go some where he hasnt been before, and need to find a drop dead stunningly georgous dress that will certainly turn his head. Also the funeral of dear friend is this week, I have got a cute little skirt and black jumper to wear with knee high boots. Although H hasnt confirmed he is going but if he is working he will be doing a night stint!

Good news is that I have been put forward for a job, bad news its in another school working full time, and they didnt say how many weeks holidays, but I said I'd go for it, if it gets me back into the IT industry to unrust my skills then perhaps I can contract again with confidence, I dont know its not really what I want but Im going to show willing.

So all is well if not a bit peculiar in rabbit world!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Taking one day at a time! - 10/08/09 10:06 PM
Sounds like things are on track Rabbit ... you just need that train to move in to the station nice and easy now ....

How are you enjoying your tap classes? I think that it's great that you are GAL'ing so well and getting some exercise at the same time! Must be so good for your PMA .

Good luck with the job ... it may not be what you want straight off but in the current climate, we have to start off with what we can get. Just grab it and smile when the money comes in. Then start looking for something that suits you more.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Taking one day at a time! - 10/09/09 10:21 AM
Loving the tap dancing Nell, it was a bit easier this week not so much of getting stuck on which leg to pick up first lol!

Your right about the job, perhaps it will be a reminder to me of how many times H has taken a job because he needs one rather than liking it.

Enjoyed our curry last night, but was tired, I make a point of sitting next to him now instead of on the other sofa, which he seems to enjoy. H asked me why the grumpy face, I said I didnt know I looked grumpy I wasnt just tired. He continued to ignore me on his pc, so I got up, his usual question of "are you going to bed" made me feel sick, he used to seem to come alive when I went before as if he could commit some dirty secret, but I expect he was just relieved he didnt have to have any more conversation with me when it was hard. No just tidy the kitchen then I may go to bed and read my book, he muttered something about I might come up and join you. So after kitchen chores I went up to bed and settled down to read my book 5LL's. H arrived and asked did I mind if he joined me. He settled down to read his book, I asked him about it and he relayed the gist of it, was hoping he'd ask about mine, I'd love to get him to do the husband test.. Ive done mine although Im greedy, WOA, QT and PT are all just about the same lol, just think Im a touchy feely person.

Woke up together but during that hour before when you are just coming too and snuggling we had a cuddle from each other, and he has started to put his foot on my leg as if some connection between us is nice. He has gone off for the day, I must get down and sort madam out as I have dressage tomorrow!

This is all painfully slow at the moment and I cant see much US time, dont know what time he is going to be back tonight and he wont be back till late tomorrow, will just have to see what sunday brings before he returns home to HIS PLACE!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Taking one day at a time! - 10/09/09 10:41 AM
It's sounding positive to me Rabbit ... remember the gallop takes a trot and then a canter before reaching up to realise the full potential of speed!!!

I read somewhere once that couples who put the slightest touch on their partner NEEDS that emotional bond ... H and I always had that but it sounds like your H does too .. this is another POSITIVE step in my opinion. Yes, it might be slow but at least it's happening!

Glad that you enjoyed curry night! Did S help with the cooking after? Bet you worked up a good appetite with all the tap dancing! It will be more enjoyable when you can co-ordinate it properly but I'm sure that will come with time!!

Hang on in there ... you are doing marvellously well.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Taking one day at a time! - 10/09/09 03:43 PM
Was take away Nell but our local one is just fab, chicken passanda havent had one in months well scrummy!

As usual I like the analogy, it also occurred to me that to get a good gallop you have to have a balanced canter first as other wise the horse will fall over! Need to balance out my need for speed and combine it with steadyness I do believe.

Just the two of us tonight so Im gonna propose a film and chill with a drink, not too much drink as you cant be drunk in charge of a train, and I couldnt plait madam's mane with a hangover either lol!

Got so many things I want to ask but am sitting on tongue for safetys sake.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Taking one day at a time! - 10/09/09 11:03 PM
Being a veggie, it's difficult to get good takeaway over here and, as they don't do Indian food like the Poms, I haven't had a good curry in years!

Yes, balanced and steady is the way to go ... it's worth holding your tongue sometimes and that's what I now need to practise - and quickly, before tomorrow comes!

Glad that it's still going OK for you Rabbit! (I was cuddling a bunny last night - cute, small and fluffy)!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Dont think hes really ready for this! - 10/10/09 06:40 AM
Last night H didnt come back till 8pm and by the time he had his shower and ate it was nearly 9pm. Whilst he was getting dressed he had his laptop on his bed and was obviously reading things, so brought it downstairs ate his dinner whilst looking at it and then continued to chat to someone

Anyway finally he asked me if I wanted a drink and came and sat on my sofa and gave me a cuddle, I asked him on a date next friday and he said he thought that would be nice, so I thought it was maybe time to broach the subject of the funeral but wasnt ready for the rather unpleasant response I got! I asked could we go together to the funeral, didnt ask to go as a married couple or wear wedding rings just go together!

Snap I think thats totally inappropriate people will think we are getting back together and were not its far to early for that! But it was the venom with which it was said which caught me out, teddy throwing boy is still there. I sat up the other way from him as I felt really hurt. How can it be inappropriate to be seen with your wife in public. But apparently it will give people all the wrong messages, people being my parents and a few others but most of the people dont know were not even together..

I honestly cant remember what I said I was a bit shell shocked, but I dont think it was rude, he retreated to the other settee, and I got up and started to go to bed, again in a huff he said I suppose its bedtime then.. He got up and went to his room, he seemed to think I was having a strop but guess who was lol! I tried to explain but got no where, he had gone and hidden behind his rubble pile. (remains of his wall. I said I was concerned that he was looking for something that wasnt there, yes some of me is different, but not of all me, and if he is looking for that getting to know you experience as you would with dating someone new its not going to be like that!

So I went and got ready for bed, but thought final tactic I had some georgous black underwear on and thought why not, so went through his room to get a toilet roll. Sat on his bed and said I didnt want to argue and maybe it wasnt the right time to do this as he had immediately gone and hid behind his rubble pile which I felt he wasnt ready. He admitted he had retreated there. I slipped into his bed and cuddled him and continued to talk, explaining that I felt that L's funeral was not the place to make a statement about us. Think he finally understood me, but he really isnt ready for this.

I asked him to come to the big bed with me, which he smiled and said it was more comfy, his stomach kept rumbling and he laughed that I hadnt even bought desert, so I said I'd give him desert, started to caress him but he said it was late, so I quietly carried on, and it didnt take too long to get his attention. Without tmi, I did try some new things, one because I wanted to and again I wanted to show that a lot of things are different..

He was going to stay tonight but I have gone in his room and every thing has gone, he kissed me goodbye at 4am this morning and said he might pop in on the way past but Im not holding my breath..

Perhaps I need to put something in the piecing forum as Im not sure how to deal with all of this..
Mmmm - me thinks H is gun shy! It's going a bit too fast for him I think, Rabbit. Slow down. The more that's on the plate, the less likely H is to eat .... let him digest what he's had so far and then, when he's hungry, he can come back for more. Make sense?

As for the funeral, I am guessing that it might be a smart move to go with S, if possible. H will see you upset and most likely come to you - that's what people do at these gatherings ... I know so many estranged people who have made up at a funeral - I guess they see that life is too short.

I have my fingers crossed for you.

(((Nell)))
Thanks Nell, I agree gun shy but I wasnt pushing, shoving or pursuing, in fact I remember asking "how do you feel about going together" I just think he panicked.. nice things I gave Babycakes a cuddle and said did you miss me, Madam missed me to she gave lots of loving too.. the a quiet voiced H said "I missed you today"

Just got back and txt from H saying "going back exhausted, will phone you from there to see how your day went x"

As for me back to NC, funeral on wed looking fantastic, will avoid wake as will be stuck on motorway at peak traffic but Im not backing out of going.. then NC and wait and see!
Posted By: Dia Re: Dont think hes really ready for this! - 10/10/09 04:14 PM
I agree w/Nell. Slow Down! He's scared. Enjoy your victories because you've had some wonderful ones, but be careful of appearing to 'push'.

If he tells you "No" about something, don't let him see that it hurts you or bothers you. Try to be breezy and nonchalant about it. "Ok, thanks for letting me know. I'll be fine on my own."

When he sees that you're hurt or upset, it replays all of the old tapes for him about how you're hard to please, needy, demanding or whatever it is he's picked to fixate on about you.

Slow and steady - and maybe even GAL separately a bit more.
Thanks Dia, didnt really think I was trying to go too fast, I think he tried to rush things, so Im going to take a bit of a reverse strategy till he feels a bit more secure, got more GAL booked for this week already smile
Well he phoned as promised, told him about my fabby day with madam, but he kept getting cut off as his mobile had a really bad signal, tbh I really didnt want to answer him, if he had rung the home phone I think I would have let it go to answer phone, but he rung my mobile!

He gave me quite a few reasons why he had gone straight home, photography class homework, didnt want to use me as a hotel as he said he would have just showered, fallen asleep and gone in the morning, and one other that has slipped my mind, said we'd chat during the week and he'd see me friday for our date, and he didnt have to rush away saturday morning.. no mention of the funeral at all, so he may get a shock when I roll up wednesday looking georgous.

Not intending to talk to him till I see him Wednesday, more NC and mysterious I think would be good, its ironic but I thought NC would be horrid but it gives me thinking space and keeps my head clearer, and actually I enjoy it now, just think of it as he is outta my hair for a few days so I can have me time lol! Also gives him time to really think about what he perceives he wants!
That's positive Rabbit and I like that you can enjoy your space now as 'you time'!

I have learned to love my evening routine, after 7pm, and I almost dread anything now spoiling my 'me time'!!

At least your H recognised that he does not want to use your home as a hotel and that's a good step forward. Some would just not care. Yes, you turn up at the funeral looking understated but F A B U L O U S and turn some heads - mostly H's!! Maybe that will make him scurry along a bit!

You are doing so well and yet I think that your H almost expects that you will come to him now. I would certainly do a 180 on that, remain nc until Wednesday at the funeral and then be mysterious when you do talk - for you shall.

I will be waiting to hear all about it!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Dont think hes really ready for this! - 10/11/09 09:55 AM
All the best with your nc Rabbit
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Dont think hes really ready for this! - 10/12/09 03:16 AM
Hi LR. I agree with everyone, things have moved a bit too quick for your H and he is having a bit of a hard time processing everything.

Back off a little bit and go with a bit of NC but I wouldn't have NC for an extended period, he will be back for sure, he just needs time to adjust to the new Rabbit and then he will be back for more of what other goodies you have in store. It's like coaxing a frightened animal out of hiding, putting a trail of little tidbits down for them to slowly move along taking each bit until they reach you. By then they are no longer frightened.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Dont think hes really ready for this! - 10/12/09 07:36 AM
Originally Posted By: girlfromoz
It's like coaxing a frightened animal out of hiding, putting a trail of little tidbits down for them to slowly move along taking each bit until they reach you. By then they are no longer frightened.


That's well said Oz. I agree!
Oz what a good way of putting it and all the more amusing my user name is Lost Rabbit lol! Not that Im a big fan of hunting, but its like he has been the big bold as brass fox who has started a chase then realised that hes not sure where he is running too and the hounds are on his tail (very geriatic slow moving ones at that) lol!

Didnt hear from him yesterday and made no attempt to contact him, just enjoyed my hack out on madam although I was back at two and felt a bit down due to feeling a bit crappy and there being a long evening ahead of me. Woke up to find that he had tried to make contact via MSN my laptop doesnt shut down properly all the time so must have left MSN open. Must admit it did make me grin to think he was chasing me but I wasnt available.

Really trying to get on this week, more house sorting before winter really sets in! Babycakes is enjoying her first day of freedom, I contemplated leaving her in till after the funeral but it was such a nice day out there I thought she could do no harm. She is running around the house with her tail in brush mode she is so excited lol.

Need to get on with weight loss again, Ive lost two stone now but am struggling with the last ten/twelve pounds just seem to keep going up and down three pounds although the minute then get to 9st13lbs I go off eating Im not going to be 10st again, being slim really relates to how I feel about myself fat=not sexy, slim = megga sexy. I have realised that I am a very sexual person, dont read that as sex maniac, but the touchy feely stuff is very important to me, its no wonder that it was such a revelation when I suddenly started to feel like a woman again instead of a wife!

Got new bank account started up today, having bank cards and cheques again will make life a lot easier, and also help with the weight, its a twenty min ride to the bank to get cash out so Im scouting around the house finishing up rubbish which isnt helping.

Anyway off to do more chores!
Sounds like you are doing just fine, Rabbit. I too like Oz's analogy of putting out the tidbits and then tempting the frightened animal in. Sounds good to me!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Update on Mr Not Ready! - 10/13/09 08:14 AM
Ended up chatting with him on MSN it all got a bit cheeky, he seems to be enjoying the new sassy Rabbit which is good as she is here to stay! Plan on being a woman from now on not a wife/parent.

Quite a lot of GAL going on this week, out tonight for a drink with a GF, and again out tomorrow with a group of mates, then tap class thursday and date with H friday.

Funeral tomorrow and its hard trying to drum up the courage to go but I must, chickening out is not an option, just wish it wasn't such a long drive there and back, although now got an excuse for reasonable exit as going out with mates. Last thing H said on MSN when I said see you was Wednesday? Just wish he wasnt hell bent on making it known were not together when most people dont know were apart it seems more like a announcement of separation to me and him making a point!

Anyway off shopping this morning and off to take madam for a spin.
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Update on Mr Not Ready! - 10/14/09 03:52 AM
Hi LR

Keep going as you are and don't worry too much about the funeral and what people may or may not think. I don't think your H will make an issue of telling people you aren't together so I wouldn't worry, it would be tactless of him anyway to do that.

Posted By: Lost Rabbit Horse Before Cart! - 10/14/09 08:11 AM
Thanks Oz I do hope so!

I have bought a fantastic little cocktail type dress for friday, got my friend C to check it out for me last night and it looks fab, just got to sort out the right undies for it now! Hopefully it will knock him dead.

Now I have got his attention so to speak I need to find a way to move him round to getting to know my mind again if you get my drift! It all very well behaving like a couple of teenagers again but it wont get us very far. Certainly dont want to lose his attention but need to get the horse firmly back infront of the cart somehow!

All advice gratefully received.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Horse Before Cart! - 10/14/09 08:53 AM
Hi Rabbit - conscious of it being Wednesday and the funeral. Just to say hang on in there - hold it together. This should be about your friend and saying goodbye, rather than working on H but I know that it's also too good an opportunity to miss!

Will catch you in the burrow later but I have to pop out to help someone with some tax stuff at some stage. Will do my best. If I am not there for the Mad Hatters Tea Party tonight, will defo be there tomorrow!

Just to let you know that I am thinking about you.

Nell :o)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Pinch Me! - 10/14/09 06:14 PM
Well I dug deep this morning and got myself all dressed up to go to the funeral, kept telling myself I could do it and I wanted to say goodbye to my friend regardless of what wombatness H was doing!

So arrived in plenty of time, H was standing with my mum, dad, sister and nephew, greeted them and my sister complimented me on the colour of my jewellery, yes its a nice green isnt it smiling at H,(he hates green) lol. Lots of elderly friends came and said hello, most of them not twigging that I hadnt arrived with H, went into the crematorium with my family and H alongside, he motioned for me to sit next to my dad and then sat beside me, it would have been easy for him to put my nephew next to me but he didnt. Couldnt get comfy so several times in the funeral brushed against H, but not intentional.

At the end we queued to view the flowers and it was freezing I was shivering, H seemed a bit twitchy (he does this when embarrased or angy) so having stated I was frozen I said I'd probably make a quick get away as I was going out, not really sure what H said but he intimated that I should come to the afternoon tea, which I replied I didnt want to come and watch him twitch and wiggle in my company so would go, at this he said well its up to you, as if still pushing/asking me to come, so I said I would for a bit but must get away on time.

So sat chatting to my mum and old adopted aunties, had a small sandwich or two and ignored H who was talking to my sister. Adopted auntie asked how life was in a rather knowing way dont know if she did so I just said different and laughed. Sister, Nephew and H came to sit down leaving H the only chair which was at an angle near me.

My mum started talking to someone behind her and H started talking to me, he tugged my little skirt which when sitting down revealed a respectable bit of leg/thigh in snazzy tights and said that it was nice. He said he'd been shopping although he really should have bought the bigger shirt when he sat down it gapped but it was hidden behind the snazzy red tie. My sister pointed out everything he was wearing was new, and I laughed and said "not those as well" meaning new pants. He smiled.

He asked where I was going "out to the pub, Im out every night this week except monday" "yes we are going out friday" I laughed and said "sssh youre being brave the roitveiller will hear you" meaning my mum, and he laughed and said "no she wont" but it was only saturday that he was shock horror at giving anyone a clue we were dating or what ever you want to call it lol! Said to dress smart casual and could he wear a shirt that only one person fitted into, he seemed a bit surprise that I had arranged anything so I pointed that he was invited our for a date.

Laughed about his txt and I said I had read it as "if she ML's to me one my time I'll never walk again" and he said "thats what I wanted to say" and giggled and smiled, well the chemistry was so obviously there even a blind man could sense it, so I kissed all my relatives except H goodbye and left.

Got home safe and sound and felt fantastic I'd done it. Ohh no wedding ring in fact a statement ring that would draw attention to the fact it wasnt on, Im not afraid any more H just better watch out lol!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Pinch Me! - 10/15/09 09:46 AM
Sounds like that all went off to plan, Rabbit. No scenes with your family and some good attention from H so all in all, good work!

Glad that you sorted out the rings bit but were you happy with that after? I know that you had considered wearing them so hope that you were comfortable in not putting them on - you worked through that process and I am sure that you must have made your decision based around much of that which you told me before.

I really like your answer when adopted aunties asked 'how is life going' and you just said "different"!!!! Good response. I shall keep that one in my bank, if you don't mind!

Did you get a grilling from S when you got home? I know that he was unable to come with you due to work commitments?

So, what are you doing today??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/15/09 11:38 AM
I only dived in and out for twenty minutes last night but it was looking increasingly apparant that S has swine flu! Bless he went to work this morning and was sent home, and docs rang and confirmed it, trouble is that leaves me feeling responsible for passing it on, so flu jab is cancelled for sat, no visiting madam as staff are in contact with lots of kids sat, no tap class as instructor is in contact with lots of kids, just feel that its the responsible thing to do as I wouldnt be too chuffed if someone gave it to me. Popped into the supermarket and got supplies, half of snotty cold ridden uk are already in there so didnt worry about that too much lol. Trouble is that H steam activities is involved with lots of elderly men so we are humming and haaahing about cancelling our date. Bearing in mind a dose of swine flu wouldnt be good for either of us cos of our medical histories. But S bless him is taken all sensible precautions he is a good lad.

So anyway S txt his dad to tell him he'd got the flu, and H rang me as we Im not touching S's bug ridden phone lol. We chatted about what to do, both of us very aware that we have the potential to spread the lurgy about to people who are already vunerable, but when I said its a pain I was really looking forward to friday, H replied "yes so I was I" so we are going to reassess tomorrow morning. So fingers crossed the anti-virals will have kicked in for poor S, who is now armed with a couple of good magazines, tissues and some movies and lying in bed.

Im still smiling from yesterday, Im so chuffed, going was a big 180 especially after I couldnt face the embarrassment of friends party back in June, I wore a beautiful amethyst and diamond ring on my wedding finger, you couldnt miss it, having felt that my wedding ring somehow seems contaminated now I wasnt too worried about not wearing it and also bearing in mind H walked out on me I thought s*d it Im not putting my wedding ring on Ive done nothing to be ashamed off. Infact several times at the funeral he was the one looking a bit on his own not me.

Think my 180's are starting to add up now and showing H that I am a lot stronger, tougher woman these days, and Im sure that is exuding the fact that actually I have now proved to myself that I dont need him, when he had his heart attack I thought my life would end if he died, well guess what I now know it wouldnt. I have very dear friends, a fantastic son and what ever happens in life I will live on. So big smiley faces for success today but sad smiley faces for poor S.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/15/09 12:05 PM
Sorry to hear that S is sick Rabbit ... sure it's Swine Flu instead of just Man Flu??!! Could we REALLY tell the difference?!!

You are sounding so much stronger - is there something in the air or is it just that the board gets these contagious vibes?? There was luck with piecing around here a little while ago, now it seems that people are gathering strength. Perhaps the tides are changing or is it that we have just reached "that stage" where something has to give to keep us sane?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/15/09 12:13 PM
Swine flu seem to have a nasty cough with it which normal flu's doent, but at the end of the day its only a form of flu, I have been fighting off a cold for the last week, hopefully it will only be mild as normally if its a horrid one for me its start with a sore throat. It just is proof and a horrid reminder that we are officially in winter here in the uk, hard to believe we were still wearing flip flops a couple of weeks back!

Think the board does lift us, people's success's or tips keep us on track and make us smile what ever we are faced with, take Dia's thread that girl should really write a book she is fab at writing and it makes me smile every time she reeled her poor unsuspecting hubby in, and some of the fella's stories as just as funny, us girlies think we all have our beloved's over a barrel but is fun watching the fella's turn the tide on some of their beloved's. After all we are all in this together for the ride!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/16/09 09:24 AM
Rabbit, the doctor told me that the significant factor with swine is the usual flu symptoms and a temp over 38C. Hope s is all good soon for everyone's sake!

Cas
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/16/09 12:21 PM
Thanks Cas he is feeling better today, he has been taking the tamiflu doc gave him. We arent allowed to go the GP over here in the uk if you suspect swine flu, you have to ring the pandemic hot line get a reference number and ring GP with and collect your meds from the outside door. S said that Dr H sounded a bit fed up with the whole flu thing, and not to put words in a GP's mouth but flu is flu is flu, and every year people die from it in not much different amounts than the swine flu, we do have a flu vaccs programme over here which I get a free jab as Im asthmatic although I have to cancel going sat until its clear Ive not got it Im not allowed near the docs. Its all a pain but I suppose necessary evil.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/16/09 12:53 PM
My S had it and he was very sick. I took the tamiflu too as I was about to have surgery. When I got to the hospital and told them that I was taking Tami as a preventative the nurse raced straight out of the room and grabbed a mask for her and for me. (Just a slight overreaction as I didn't actually have it and by the time I got to hospital S was completely well.) Surgeon didn't see the problem and I was allowed to remove the mask.

Hope you can get that date in soon.

How is H going with using your name?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/16/09 01:51 PM
Still avoiding using it Cas, but is starting to want to spend more time with me, could be that sexy/sassy rabbit is too hot to ignore lol! We are going out for dinner tonight, all arranged by me, something I never did before, he might be being drawn in by sexy/sassy rabbit, but its because Im happy within myself and what I am doing, Im not longing panicking about life, and enjoying it to the fullness I can, having time with H is purely a bonus. Going to the funeral on my own and looking content with my lot and not being embarrassed about my marriage going down the pan, not only was fantastic for me, but again got H's attention. I have however set an expiry time on all this naughtiness, the end of November, if he signs a new lease on his flat, everything will stop, he needs to know that I will start 2010 without him if I have too!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Please dont let plans be scuppered! - 10/17/09 05:54 AM
Good for you rabbit. You sound really positive. I think having a date in mind is really helpful and I have done the same at times, always knowing that I can readjust the times as I get closer to them. Hope dinner is fabulous!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Dinner Date - 10/17/09 09:53 AM
Just a brief entry really:

H got stuck in traffic so we didnt really get any time to spend together before going out. He turned up in a tshirt and cord pants, which I had mentioned dressing smart casual, although he dug out a shirt from the wardrobe when I said I was wearing a dress, felt a bit angst that he didnt listen to me, or felt that he was dressed up sufficiently.

Tried to find the quicker way to restaurant only to find the fair was on and several roads had been closed so was beginning to feel it was going to be a disaster, but H seemed upbeat still so I said thank you for not getting peeved that I had got him lost, and also it was a 180 for me as I calmly said "not to worry about the restaurant my freinds P was quite late last time and they didnt seem too worried" before I would have been quite stressy about this.

Conversation seemed quite awkward this time, he seemed to want me to tell him how I had changed, so I said if it wasnt obvious then I wasnt going to tell him, and he relayed off a few insights, and then I validated a few and explained a few further. I do think he really was quite tired to be expected having spent three hours on the motorway but then he chose to move lol!

Mentioned that it was his turn to arrange a date, didnt say when. Gave him his present a book, with some naughty post it notes in with I.O.U's He does keep saying his single and free and he is enjoying it that way, so I did say I had boundaries and a expiry date, if he doesnt believe me he's gonna wish he did when it goes past that date. Feel a bit like the mouse whose been played by the cat this weekend. Hopefully the cat will return to being a tiger shortly lol!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Dinner Date - 10/17/09 10:05 AM
Hi Rabbit,
It seems you handled things very well. Does H normally dress casually?

Good on you for being so calm when you were late. That's something that I have had to work on over the years too. It's something out of my control, I figure and I try hard to just let it go.

It appears that you were in control with the convo, especially around your changes which is really fantastic.Interesting that H felt he wanted to discuss the changes.

Like the strength of character and confidence you exuded by stating you had an expiry date. Well done!

Cas
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Dinner Date - 10/17/09 04:55 PM
Thanks Cas your input is much appreciated. H is a bit stuck at the moment because he lost a great deal of weight and doesnt have too many clothes that fit, he was taking a bit more care with his appearance, but funny since I managed to get his attention he has put on 8lbs and stopped being so fastidious about his appearance.

I just find it a bit irratating that I always shower and dress up to go out with him, although bearing in mind Im usually in riding gear that would be normal for me, he would come home from work friday, which is dress down day then announce he looked fine and go out in the same thing he had on all day! Just doesnt make me feel very special if you know what I mean.

I think he was a bit surprised on wed when I said I'd organised a date, and I still think he didnt think I'd gone to the trouble of booking a table at a nice gastro pub, got dressed up, got money out to pay for the evening, I offered to drive also, basically I took him out for dinner. I was in control of things instead of him lol!

Just think he is being a bit evasive, asking what changes I'd made, well a blind man could see them let alone a man who I have been with for twenty nine years, Im sure it was because he was tired, but I just felt he was bored and playing me, dont know why I feel like this!

He left this morning after doing some bits and bobs in the house for himself, he keeps making the same joke of "im just popping off" which considering he nearly died on me three years ago isnt funny, although today I said "well let me know so I can claim the insurance" also I was outside working in the garden and ignoring him organising to leave, probably tmi but he went to kiss me goodbye and I asked him to blow his nose, being a man he wiped it with his hand, so I said no blow your nose, he got huffy and went indoors and came out smiling, sorry I said Im not kissing anyone goodbye with an awful nose and he laughed obviously his annoyance about me saying blow your nose subsided when he could see why I said do so!

He is still in mild MLC I suspect, he might be moving forward faster than most but I can still see him digging his heels in just because he can!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Dinner Date - 10/18/09 03:11 AM
Hi Rabbit
So, did you both enjoy the dinner and did it go well?? Did he accept any of the IOU's??

Sorry that I haven't been around much this week. Not coming here so often is helping me to put some things in to perspective although the alternate burrow helps equally as much these days!

Busy yesterday and feeling a bit down today. Just wondering what's happening in your world??
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Tired or Detached! - 10/18/09 04:55 PM
TBH I found friday/sat with H quite draining, feel a real sense of detachment, if he phoned right this minute and asked me out the answer would be no Im having a nice bath and an early night I just dont want the hassle!

Feel like I need to look after me this week, I have laid the groundwork, I have shown H the new me, in more ways than one and he still asked what had changed so Im a bit well if you cant see it or your just getting to prove it well you can go take a running jump sonny.

So he is responsible for the next date, Im going NC again and spending this week rejuvinating myself and spending more time with madam as I need to get her schooling worked on instead of her just being hacked, lots of chores to do anyway my saddle needs a good clean and madam needs a clip as she is starting to look like a wooley yak pony.

H isnt doing anything up here with his trains next weekend so he cant use that as an excuse to visit so will have to be just him. Although when he thought our date might have to be cancelled so he didnt catch swine flu he did say he wanted to see me so much that he thought we could do breakfast away from the house and the bug monster, pity I didnt sense that when we met?
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Tired or Detached! - 10/18/09 10:31 PM
Rabbit - I'm pleased that you are enjoying a bit of 'you' time - IMHO you have been burning the candle at both ends with all that's going on at home, with S having swine flu and with all the wonderful DB'ing to get H to come to you. You have done a superb job so far.

Now, I feel that you are right - it's time to rest a wee while. It is time to go nc and discover if that brings H out of his fog .... he has seen the changes, he doesn't need to be told. He is playing you and you are responding. I think that it's time to stop and let him do some of the work, just as you have outlined. When he hears nothing from you, his brain will start ticking over and wonder where you are .... that will lead him to other thoughts and start 'noticing' the changes that you have made of late, not having to ask what they are.

Again, imho, I wonder if our changes are so much for US, that the WAH does not see the changes through his haze ... that means that, to an extent, we are getting it so very right - it is a PERSONAL change and not one that is directed at H. However, we ladies have turned it up a bit with the lingerie and sassy hair, so is it that these WAHs develop some kind of blindness to add to their narcissistic tendancies?! Sorry, I'm being a bit provocative now!

If reconciliation is possible, it's OK for us LBSs to make half of the running but that should be it - 50/50. Unless you achieve that, I guess that the next question is, "Is it worth it?"

I like that H considered breakfast away from the house. It's something that has never been done much in the UK, as far as I am aware. It's big here in Aus and something that my H and I missed out on doing ... there was always an excuse (usually from me) not to go and now I regret that. It's so sociable and with the ocean in your front room at most of the cafés on the strip, it's a crime to have been missing out.

So, take out your vengeance on that saddle and madam's mane and I would make preparation for going nc. I wouldn't go too deep as that may seem churlish to H but you need to go deep enough to make a statement of your intent.

Hang on in there Rabbit ... you have seen some dramatic improvements since you arrived here and I don't think that you should lose faith at this time. There's a crucial time on it's way for your H, in terms his rental, and you need to be clever in maintaining silence balanced with still reeling him in so that he finds the prospect of extending his contract that little bit less attractive every day.

Will check in later - I have to get C6 in before I go to work and she is over the woods playing a merry dance, I'm sure!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Tired or Detached! - 10/19/09 10:59 AM
Hi Nell

You been reading my mind again lol! Your post is so spot on its scary! Exactly that detachment has set in good and proper, havent contacted him since he left saturday, and dont intend to, not turning my msn on so he cant just pick me up so to speak.

Its got to be 50/50 not having him back for the following reasons:

1. No one else wants him
2. Hes lonely
3. Its his house he can stay here
4. He thinks that teddy boy can rule ok round here
5. I only have eyes for him
6. Hes got no where to go for xmas (see Im think ahead) lol

No I have to be wanted and loved for who I am now and Im not taking any less. I deserve so much more than all the crappy games he has played. I agree my changes have been for me and ok some of them would certainly benefit H if he returned but they wernt done for him, so I suppose you could be right Nell in their fog they dont see them.

Been out for coffee with my friend and her little girl this morning yummy carrot cake and good conversation, in fact turned it around to a girls night out in a few weeks time she needs to be a woman for a night not a mum of three bless her. Anyway chores to be done now so will mooch around board later.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Tired or Detached! - 10/19/09 11:30 AM
Good one Rabbit ... it's not so scary that I have read you correctly - it's just that we have got to know each other quite well and we are open and honest in our feedbacks - it's just the way I see your sitch and am able to tell you how I see it as an outsider. We are too close to it sometimes, to see things for ourselves.

In the other burrow, I don't feel that I can be quite as open with you for some strange reason!! Odd that - but I guess we feel a bit more comfortable speaking our minds here with others around - maybe the other burrow is a bit too vulnerable just Rabbit and Nell ..... !!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Tired or Detached! - 10/19/09 12:53 PM
Nah you can always tell me Im being a p*llock where ever we are lol! Im pretty much a what you see is what you get sorta person so appreciate a honest opinion for what it is, honest and a opinion, which when given honestly can be accepted or left with no offence.. Hope that made sense lol!

It seems hilarous Im packing away my shorts and summer stuff as you must be pulling them all out of the closet it does seems strange!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Tired or Detached! - 10/20/09 10:10 AM
Keeping fingers crossed, I had an agency phone me this morning about a IT contract job, interview by end of week, start next week, didnt seem to phased that I had been at home for last two odd years, not a great rate but hey its money and a job, and also its reasonably placed for riding madam.

It would give me some security as H runs his own company (IT Contracting) all his money is paid into the company accounts and then he puts what he thinks I need into the joint account. So I no longer have any say in OUR money so to speak, although still responsible for paying all OUR bills. Although that is totally on hold atm till the fraudalant banking problems are sorted hopefully late this week or next week!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Tired or Detached! - 10/20/09 12:31 PM
Great news Rabbit ... good luck with the job - I know that it is what has turned things around for me that little bit.

Sorry not to hang around here tonight - I will catch up tomorrow. I have a wonderful looking pizza hanging in the kitchen just calling me ... then a cuppa and straight to bed as I am really late tonight.

Cats are giving me grief as I broke the habit of a lifetime and left them outdoors when I went for C. I shouldn't have bothered as I was worried the whole time I was gone - almost 3 hours! I do feel guilty on C night though - they are locked in the house for so many hours of my working day and I think it only fair that they should be allowed some play time in the evenings.

Ah well - so to bed. Catch up with you tomorrow :o)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Harbouring Something - 10/21/09 10:44 AM
Me that is, Ive had a bit of non cold for over a week now, just a sore throat and fuzzy ears, dont know if thats whats making me feel a bit down or what? Heard absolutely nothing from H so his getting to know me didnt last very long, although he is back at work this week and most likely doing nothing but bored out of his brain so he could have got a bit down and despondant too, not that Im making excuses for his cake eating behaviour!

Im really sick of being in this mess this week, just want it to end one way or another, the another isnt attractive but Im just tired of being under his control, mostly from the money issue although its been made a 100% worse by the banking problems, nothing from the agency again, but heck thats no surprise who wants to employ someone whose been at home for three years when you have a whole nation desperate for a job at the moment!

Pondering rocking the boat by seeing a solicitor soon, as otherwise I think this will rattle on for ever with him making no commitment to doing anything!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Harbouring Something - 10/21/09 10:53 AM
Rabbit - don't you go doing anything right now.

Why do you want to see a solicitor? If it's to find out your rights that's fine but don't go setting any wheels in motion just because you are down in the dumps - you know that I have been there recently and it's the advice that you all gave me at that time. Your funk will lift again soon and then you will be glad that you did nothing. Sit tight. H will resurface.

I led the way in no job, no money, no friends etc. ... you must have faith. Go talk to the Universe ... it's worked for me a few times this week and even yesterday, when I screamed out for my gold watch to be brought back to me from wherever it was hiding, this morning it turned up in the most unusual place. I had faith.

Will call in the other burrow later ... just catching up quickly on the folks here .... :o)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Harbouring Something - 10/21/09 04:37 PM
Well perhaps the universe heard me again lol! Job I didnt want didnt even get an interview for filled internally thank goodness for that lol. Also a very interesting job came up today really praying I get an interview for this one, if its as interesting as it sounds could be just the ticket!

Other stuff just getting fed up with him having all the money and spoon feeding me what he thinks I should have, I worked on and off during our marriage so deserve better treatment than this, we both agreed to do it the old fashioned way so he should continue until Im disposed off so to speak.

Solicitor wise I just want to know where I stand, as honestly at the moment I feel quite used and spat out, probably the non cold talking but I just have this strong feeling it just isnt going to go anywhere and also Im not sure I want to be married to someone who treats me this way, and now whom I no longer know who I'd be married too..

Not sure Im making any sense but Im not doing anything right this minute just pondering!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Harbouring Something - 10/21/09 10:36 PM
Makes perfect sense to me (((Rabbit))). You are feeling unwell, you are recently bereaved, you have been looking after swine flu S and Teddy Boy has gone off the rails again ... look at the picture - and then compare it to my situation ... You are a few weeks behind me and seem to be going through the same pattern, at the moment. Do you remember the funk that I was locked in to? Don't allow it to grip you too much - it's so hard to shake off. Put up your own pile of rubble to hide behind ... protect yourself and your feelings right now. Just wait ... just rest.

When I come home tonight (sorry, I'm soon out the door), I shall visit you at the other burrow and tell you more. You won't long have started your day so I guess it can wait! Hang on in there Rabbit ... these are dark days for you and the disappointments are overwhelming. We have all been there. That's why it's so good to let it all out here - people know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I don't even think that this is very subjective as we have all been through the same in one way or another and the emotional drain and physical pain that we are left with IS the same for us all. It's not like having a headache and there are varying degrees. This is good old fashioned heartbreak and that hurts 100% - no degrees in that. None of us would be here if it affected some more than others - of course, that's only my opinion, for what it's worth.

You have weathered more than this so buck up now. Get yourself out tomorrow (for it's 11.30pm with you right now) and if you can't go riding, at least go for a walk. Do something - look at nature and remind yourself of it's beauty. It works for me, every time.

I'll be back :o) (((Rabbit)))
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Harbouring Something - 10/22/09 05:21 AM
Hi LR

Good luck with the job,that's great news.

Nell is so right, I remember being in those patches of thinking that I couldn't go on and wanted it all to end one way or another and all the other thoughts going through your head. It is a phase that we DBers go through and especially more so if you are unwell or run down and just sometimes, we feel down just because.

You have come so far and gone through so much, try to stick with it a bit longer. I most times felt better the next day after feeling like this. It is emotionally and physically draining what our H's put us through and DBing is not easy but it does get easier especially once you detach even a little bit.

Hang in there LR, we are all with you for the ride and I always found the words from others here when I was down kept me going. Take some time out and look after yourself LR, switch off for a bit and concentrate on just YOU and only YOU, it will lift your spirits and give you the energy you need to keep on going.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Ponderings! - 10/22/09 08:43 AM
Thanks Nell & Oz think it is the non cold talking, feel a bit better this morning think my allergies might be playing up as I had a nose bleed this morning so perhaps non cold is that? So I am gonna up my antihistimines for a few days and see if that helps.

On the H front, went on msn tuesday night saw him on there and left promptly, last night I went on there and stayed for a few minutes and he im'd me almost immediately saying "hello georgous" told him I didnt feel too cos of the non cold, after a bit of chit chat he said "oh well I was gonna invite you out friday but if you feeling poorly" my reply "really nice invite" to which he said he was trying to be compassionate and I told him to keep practising lol! I added that I didnt think he was interested and he replied its only wednesday, so I said that a girl liked to know early as she would want to know what to wear, and he replied but you might not need clothes! Its not all about s*x you know and he said no I know that s*x is nice but its still a date.

Chit chat went on and he told me that he would find it hard to find something nicer than the date I had organised, which I was chuffed with that he found it so enjoyable so perhaps he was just tired after all, and he really enjoyed and was suprised by the naughty post it note I.O.U's Said it wasn't a dating competion and being with him was nice! So do I assume he was just doing his "more of the same" leaving it to the last minute to organise a date? Well he can definitely do a 180 on that for me lol!

Part of the chit chat he mentioned that it was his lack of confidence and low self esteem talking, Im sure contract hunting and not finding anything is quite knocking to that, I have always bolstered his self esteem, well tried too but its obviously not helped, but makes my theory that WOA would be his first LL. He has had business/personal mentoring over the phone from a work colleague who used him as guinea pig when P started up his business but obviously H hid behind a wall? Also I probably didnt help on that one cos I did a few giggles of I could have told you that! oh the things we realise arnt helpful after the event.

So we agreed to play it low key cos of the possible non cold, and go to the american bar type restaurant, the one where I finally got some of my man back the first night lol, and if non cold kicks in maybe a curry at home or just in the local curry house.

Interesting he still wants to come despite non cold, swine flu and on a girlie note TOTM is due so s*x not available possibly, yet he doesnt contact me just catches me on msn. I did ask if he like me to txt him with a non cold update today which he replied would be very nice, so Im in a conudrum here, what do you folks think, dont want him to think Im available at his beck and call, or do all the running after him, but wondering if a bit more contact will bring him out of his shell.

Anyway off out shopping now will catch up with you all later x
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Ponderings! - 10/22/09 09:47 AM
Hi Rabbit
Well, I would say that to go on the date would be a good thing to do - he's asked you, you want to but the saving grace is that TOTM is due and that will STOP him from cake-eating and stop you from giving him the cake to eat!! I honestly don't think that you should have s*x on this next date ... let's see what H is made of - can he have a date and not expect dessert?

Catch ya in the burrow!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Ponderings! - 10/22/09 03:13 PM
Actually I dont feel like "putting out" as american chums would say, think Id just like a cuddle this weekend, honestly I dont think it would be a problem to be fair to him hes not like that, but if it makes him think all the better!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Interesting Conversation - 10/23/09 09:00 AM
Had a great tap class again last night, really made me realise how much I'd missed it last week, next week is not on due to school break but Im looking forward to going back again. Its also rekindled my love of dancing and I would definitely like to go places where you can have a dance and a wiggle, although here in the uk places like that for the forty somethings are a bit limited, well not unless you really want to look like youre having a MLC lol!

Chatted with H on msn again last night after I got back from tap, I said hi first for a change and after his initial greeting he replied, let me just finish this and I can give you my full attention, interesting that he wanted to make me feel attended too lol, WOA/QT/PT are all pretty much on a par with me and I suspect with him too!

Somehow Xmas got mentioned and I said I was cancelling it, conversation got a bit muddled and in the end I said I just couldnt be bothered would rather go away, to which he replied I was thinking perhaps we could spend Xmas day together! So I laughed and said "Aus or H" let me think on that and left it hanging! Actually my absolute perfect Xmas would be H and I visiting Aus for Xmas, but with the dire money situ not likely! But crikey hes thinking of being with me in nine weeks time thats a biggy! Although he doesnt realise thats really is the expiry date Im not going into 2010 in limbo!

Well we got chatting about tonights date, and I agreed F&B (american bar) would be just the ticket, was feeling good and fancied a bit of fun, this led into a conversation about whats fun, so I replied, having a drink, dancing, good fun conversation and letting my hair down a bit. Which led to a very honest conversation from me about not organising things in the past as I didnt know if he was busy or not having the confidence to just go ahead and take the risk, he agreed too that he'd been the same and had often missed the boat on things, tell me about it Ive given up how many times Ive said that would be nice to do and guess what we didnt! But he certainly was left the impression that I DID want to go out and have fun and let my hair down a bit!

Non cold hasnt arrived still but thats good, just really want to have lots of fun tonight but keep me reserved a bit if you know what I mean, although he did make great efforts to point out he was coming to see me, well and BC (he didnt want to look too enthusiastic) and not using me as a hotel for his trains. Just dont get the NC thing as he seems so eager to contact once he see's me! arrgggh WAS who needs one lol!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Interesting Conversation - 10/23/09 09:11 AM
So, Teddy Boy is still 'spitting it' as we say in Oz! I can't keep up with them to be honest Rabbit ... they confuse the shylock out of me. One minute it seems they are in the palm of your hand, the next they are in full walk the other way mode ... and they say that WE are fickle!

Glad that you enjoyed your tap class and that the non cold hasn't arrived - couldn't tap and wipe your beak all at the same time, unless you have perfect co-ordination - now that would be fun to watch!!

What did you think toward H's Xmas talk?? Did you feel that it would be a total cake eat or are you just too confused to even consider what he's thinking of right now? I guess that people are all well in to making their plans - everything in the shops tell us that it's not that far away.

Catch you in the burrow. I just don't have any wise words here for you right now, I'm afraid. I'm struggling myself today but just wanted to hang out for a while.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Interesting Conversation - 10/23/09 09:15 AM
Still too shellshocked on the Xmas thing to comment lol!

You do make me laugh Nell you certainly are a breath of fresh air (()) Sorry your struggling today at least if we do it alternately we can boost each others strength!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Bit Confused! - 10/24/09 09:12 AM
Well that was an interesting evening, didnt start too well, he arrived whilst I was showering an getting ready, no kiss hello said he run off and check his emails, so once ready he was still checking but no rush so I quickly returned my friends voicemail call and chatted with her, H came into the kitchen and said "mmm" at what I was wearing, some new jeans and the cute green and cream tunic I wore to the party a few weeks back, came off the phone and said "sorry I was a bit long, friend was excited about her lesson and also I thought better to ring her now than her ring me later whilst out"

Then his bomb, "oh btw Im not stopping tomorrow morning B rang me to say he was desparate for someone to fire, and I said I'd do it" "But you were spending time with me" I replied "well its a non date isnt it" So I replied "well in that case I'll go on my own" Teddy Boy suddenly appeared and said "oh in that case s*d you" So I continued putting my cardi on and getting my stuff together and then said "right are you coming" muttter mutter from Teddy boy about "thought you were going on your own" but I just ignored him completely. In the car conversation was stilted and actually I was thinking "s*d this" but I gradually nursemaided the conversation back to sensible land, but pointed out if he gets stitched up again by B he could say no and if he couldnt perhaps he could let me know so I dont miss out on things.

Onto dinner, restaurant hadnt really got going so we got shown to a seat a bit too quickly but we chatted and laughed, some how we got round to R talk, not deep R talk but me saying how I just didnt want to be a weekend bit of stuff and that I was fighting with how I felt and what I wanted to do and my need for him respecting me, he offered to sleep in the spare room if it help and pointed out he was going early anyway so it wouldnt be fair to wake me up. I also mentioned that he seemed to have his fun and then not speak to me until I put myself in his path (msn) again. My phone signal is dire he said so not easy to phone you, and I was on msn every night this week, (I didnt on purpose) and I only have two people on that email addy, you and S anyone else I chat too on facebook, so if Im on there its because I want to talk to you! But it would be nice if you txt me more, yes I could txt more he replied.

He also said I wasnt just gonna be a weekend date as he had two weekends coming up when he was busy he really wanted to try and meetup with me during the week, the first weekend its a photography outing with his course and the second weekend he said he was getting an induction onto the railway that is local to him. Cant have been very good at hiding my disappointment that again he was building a life down there. So he asked whats wrong, praying whilst replying I said "no the photography sounds great! What are you photographing?" So he told me about that and sounded interested and looking forward to it. Then I chipped in that I didnt want to date someone who was constantly planning, no building a life in another county. I felt comforted by his reply, "well you know the photo course is only this year, (ten week course) and the railway well lots of people join and do odd weeks during the year, its more relaxed than the G so I could do some known again, Im not planning/building a life down there just joining in with other things and its only two and half hours from the G, I noted he didnt say home, but he was really trying to point out it wasnt a permanant all the time thing!

We also talked about his theory on dating that he would get to see who he fell in love with and who he had what it was he loved for twenty three years (funny he said he didnt love me for nine of them before he left) I did say that god forbid that awful seventeen year old he loved was still there, I hoped not much preferred the forty something model. But I did worry he was looking for something that wasnt there!

So we said we'd go home and I pointed out I hadnt had a kiss yet, to which he said he didnt like to be too forward, be as forward as you like I can always tell you stop I laughed, on the way home I kept teasing him about how I needed a kiss and then laughed about the layby's and how he could pull over and kiss me, we giggled about two or three as we passed them and then finally with little notice he pulled into the last one and kissed me! home we came, and he checked mails again (saying he'd come over and give me his full attention when he had done that) I watched a bit of telly a new comedy show so was laughing my head off till it finished. Went over and sat on his lap and chatted non chat, then decided that I would offer him a nice massage, afterwards in bed I was quite thoughtful and he asked me what was wrong and I said "oh just me and my expectations getting in a knot" his reply "just give it time" but it sounded really genuine not a put off, so in a bid to rescue the situation and not look grumpy I started a pillow fight, which we had a great giggle especially when the cat lost the plot and started hurtling around with the wind up her tail and trying to bite our feet, a little game she has played with H since she was a kitten, sorta peekabo feet which often goes a bit ouchily wrong lol! Laughing I thought I'd push it a bit so held the pillows hostage saying I needed to hear three little words to get them back, NO TOYS OUTTA PRAM, shock horror, he quietly started saying "I love" and then with a big grin on his face he ended "this bed" so he got beaten with the pillow again as we fell about laughing. But even though he was joking it was said genuinely and I felt that maybe it wouldnt be too long he could use the three little words I really wanted (smacks herself upside of head for too much expectation). We cuddled and fell asleep and now he is gone again!

So perhaps this week I am going to be open about contacting him, not pursuing just more available on msn, and the odd txt to say hi and ask about his day? and see how that goes! If I was on mind reading duty which Im not, he has about six weeks on his lease and he's already mentioned Xmas wonder what else he's thinking lol!

Sorry its been a bit long just journalling as well as reporting in! Off to see how you all are.
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Bit Confused! - 10/24/09 12:36 PM
Sounds like a whole lot of fun Rabbit ... forgive me for ducking out on you. I will reply more fully tomorrow - just not in a good place right now. (((Hugs)))
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Bit Confused! - 10/24/09 05:54 PM
No problem have burrow'd a reply will chat tomorrow!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Bit Confused! - 10/24/09 09:18 PM
A very interesting evening Rabbit. Be on msn but perhaps wait a little to see if H initiates the texts.
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Bit Confused! - 10/24/09 10:59 PM
Stopping in to say "Hi" Rabbit as I was pleased to see your post on my thread... will be interested to see how your sitch progresses... :-)
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Bit Confused! - 10/25/09 12:30 AM
OK Rabbit, I'm back!

Firstly, I note that H liked what you were wearing - GREEN! Love it that you stayed on phone to your friend - that showed H you were not prepared to jump to him and make him your priority - I like your work!!

Another positive - H agreed that he should text you more. It was disappointing about being roped in to fire at last minute but you did react at that point. Play it again ... how would a better response have been, coming from you? Try to think of one now, so that if it DOES happen again, you will be ready with a much more controlled response.

You validated his hobbies well after that - maybe that would be a good place to catch his attention and say that you may like to go with him sometime to see how he is framing things. If he can see the beauty in what he captures in the lens, then it would be good to see that for yourself?? Maybe then you could stay over with him, not vice versa?! Just a thought.

It's hard to say whether or not they want you to be the old you or whether they want something new. The 'theory' is confusing. My H told me that he couldn't go back to what we had and yet he constantly makes remarks to how I once was and how much he loved that. Do they really know?? I don't think so - it's all part of the alien fog.

I don't get the urgency to check emails all the time with your H - what's that all about?? He plays the romance card of driving by all the lay-bys and then pulling you in to one for a snog ... then 'ruins' it by running for the computer!

You are so controlled Rabbit - saying that your expectations were getting in a knot was a good move. I feel that it tells your H that you are respecting that he has 'boundaries' too but you are hopeful and want to have more with him. I love the pillow fight and the moggle fighting with the toes!! Yeah, been there, done that one!

I do think that we misread the signs sometimes and, whilst we DB, give them space and expect that they will come to us, if the signs are there, a bit of gentle encouragement in the contact line doesn't go a miss, now and again. I think that we should just draw the line at cake-eating, which is where the struggle begins.

Overall, I say a very positive post from you! Let's have 'more of the same' for next time. I feel quite sure that you and H are going to get your train back on track, Rabbit. The signs are good.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Bit Confused! - 10/25/09 09:51 AM
Thanks Cas for dropping by good to have opinions on how much contact dont want to go overboard!

Txt him to say thank you for dinner and hope he had a good firing turn, and jokingly asked if the twenty pence on the floor which had fallen out of his pockets last night was a tip!

He replied that he had a nice day, got a different train from the one he expected (was expecting the not so nice one) and he hoped I'd had a nice day too!

Answered him saying just got back in, nice ride but got soaked and was just going to eat some Nibbles (sweets) that he had mentioned during the week, bet he wished he'd stayed now lol!

Last txt was to say take this away from me there addictive! actually quite sick enducing if you eat too many.

Now I leave it will put computer onto auto logon for Msn this week so I dont forget and then see where we go!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Bit Confused! - 10/25/09 09:52 AM
Hi Rocked

Welcome to my madhouse lol!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Bit Confused! - 10/25/09 10:22 AM
Hi Nell

Thanks for pointing that out do you know I didnt twig he liked my outfit and it was green (for those that havent twigged H hates green) One of my first acts of independance/defiance was to buy a lovely bright green handbag, just looking at it makes me smile and laugh!

Your so right I did get drawn into the hurt bit there for a second, will have to make a plan to cover that one next time although it wasnt the him going, it was more the lack of manners that bugged me and as I pointed that out perhaps it wont happen again as he will talk to me instead fingers crossed. It would be good to have him txt me a bit more, but much better if he started the txting!

I am actually quite interested in his hobbies, but he shuts me out or perhaps doesnt think Im serious, I love the trains they are so stunning, a modern train just cant compete with the romance of one. In fact you have given me an idea on that front, something he wont expect me to want to do is go on the footplate and do you know I would like too! They do alsorts of dinner trains, mystery evenings etc I would love them and have said so but it falls into his "i'll get a round to it" category.

The photography is interesting, especially as I'd love him to take more photos of madam and babycakes, and I'd like to learn more, I do have a little camera of my own but the big posh expensive one is theorectically his.

Staying over at his is a dodgy one for me, something inside me doesnt want to acknowledge his other home, am I wrong, one thought is that it wouldnt be a home our home, but what if it is really homely and without me could I cope with seeing it?

Well he cant want the old model back because she isnt here anymore, bits of her are! Whilst giving him a massage I did say that one bit of the seventeen year old was present the bit that couldnt put him down even though she knew it was going to get her into trouble! and I was so done with getting him to chase me down hills like he used to, he lived at the top of the hill the other side of the village and often when we fell out I'd walse off home in the dark with him chasing me lol! He did say he was a tad too old for that these days!

Checking emails is a bad habit for IT staff, especially when you work a bit from home, obviously if you are out of the office you want to keep on top of things kicking off! Also with the job hunting being on the ball is needed although he did shoot himself in the foot checking late at night but then one of his old bosses was so horrible he expected 24/7 attention and I dont think H has ever quite ditched the paranoia.

Yeah pillow fight was fun and definitely a bit of genius on my part lol, and Im glad I didnt fall flat on my face trying to squeeze an ILY out of him, its a difficult one on the cake eating front, you know how I struggle with it? Mostly because my heart tells me hes not a cake eating sort of guy and every thing he is saying is pointing towards good things so I dont want to muck it up by not going with the flow, although if he comes up to visit during the week TOTM has kicked in so I will get time with him without s*x which will be good. Why is it when you dont want it, it arrives and when you do its no help lol! Usually Im the sorta person if a naughty weekend is booked it arrives every time!

Giving him time to think is a HUGE 180 from me, Im a batter them till they give me answer person or was, so I bet its a HUGE relief to H that I have killed that one off lol!


All positive stuff perhaps TOO so maybe I should expect a pullback I dunno?
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Bit Confused! - 10/25/09 10:53 AM
A few things there to work on then Rabbit!

Yeah, I'm still here but trying to get to bed. I was up at 05.20hrs this morning and yet have managed to fill the day just mooching!

I think that you are doing really well with H. I see positives in each of your posts and he's defo interested. Will just be curious to see what happens at the time of renewal on the lease for his BP (bachelor pad) ... my H's is up in Feb and I will be interested then too - maybe that's my subconcious time line. Who knows? Like you, I can't call that his home and each time he says it I cringe inside. I always say "your place" but never home. I think that H probably has made his place quite homely but not with the woman's touch on it - unless he has allowed ow to interfere when it drops in from interstate. I hope not.

I have noticed the signs of H not being here in the way he dresses and yesterday when he arrived, his boardies had not been ironed even. I would never have let him out of the house like that but right now, he just doesn't care. Tell tale signs of a man who is happy in his new world? I think not.

So ride that footplate girl and get the camera snapping! Anything that you can do to engage H will be great news. Got something for you in the burrow! On it's way.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Bit Confused! - 10/25/09 04:41 PM
Actually its quite funny Nell, H refers to his place as "my place" and our house as "home".

Well I left my txt last night about removing the sweeties from my grasp and thought oh well thats done and dusted now! So imagine my surprise when I had finished at the yard today that he had txt'd another reply, asking what sweeties, obviously got the attention span of a gnat this week lol! BUT he didnt need to answer, even more so the next day and he did so I felt like it was a txt he initiated and it gave me a warm comfortable feeling. There always used to be his Im on my way home message on my phone when I left the yard and I so miss it!

Not sure when hes gonna visit this week Im already booked up to wednesday afternoon and thursday is only free cos its school hols so no tap class, so Im still busy getting a life whilst hes on his todd!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Bit Confused! - 10/25/09 06:39 PM
sounds like you are making some good progress Rabbit... that is an encouragement for some of the rest of us! :-)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit And theres more! - 10/25/09 06:41 PM
Sitting here catching up with all of you and eating my tea when mobile goes again!

So its my fault for getting you hooked on the sweeties is it lol! H txting me off his own bat twice in one day, well be still my beating heart lol. No my fault for buying them lol I replied. I then sent one in between telling him about the dearest little meerkat babies on the telly I was watching, he replied saw those last week, Im in the pub having a drink popping home for tea and will be online later..

This is a big small step, H making contact by txt first, like he said he ought too, excuse me Im off to dance around the kitchen just a tad happy here in limboland!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: And theres more! - 10/25/09 06:46 PM
grin
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: And theres more! - 10/26/09 09:11 AM
Again we chatted on msn, just after he came online I had a txt from S(21) "Hi back at GF's had a nice day shopping with the FMIL and saw dad he got bored and came up for tea!"

R: So how many teas have you had today then, thinking S ment tea/dinner.
H: no a coffee, I just went to give GF a card and a little pressie!
R: what did you get?
H: a nice bottle of wine
R: expect that will get drunk at dinner tomorrow night

Dont know if he twigged I was going to dinner tonight but replied yes! I was quite proud of him that he had gone and got her a card and a pressie, he hadnt done anything on friday when I saw him, not only was that thoughtful but he had gone out of his way to do it and not put it off!

We chatted lots more I validated his work efforts, and said I'd wished I'd been with him on his afternoon walk along the river. He said he was exhausted from having fun, read that as W dear you wear me out all this running around dating you lol! But it seemed a happy exhaustion. So I said I wished he was here and I'd give him a nice cuddle, he replied he'd probably fall asleep to which I said that would be ok, and he answered thank you!

TBH he could barely string/type a sentance together poor man, so finally he admitted defeat and went to bed!

He will have been in his flat two months at the end of this week and I wonder if its starting to become quite lonely, he goes to the pub and chats to the landlord he hasnt made other friends, he goes to his photography class but so far hasnt mentioned any new mates, his mate at work hasnt come back yet on his contract and H finishes this week so not likely to see him unless he makes some effort to do so! and interesting that S said he came up because he was bored and a bottle of wine although nice is an easy quick birthday pressie to pick up on route!

Meanwhile the W here is busy GAL all weekend and most of this week, so much not much time for him either lol!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: And theres more! - 10/27/09 08:54 AM
Well the contact continues on MSN, I went out to birthday dinner which was lovely, but didnt stay out late as I had been kicked by my horse and wanted to get home whilst I was still able to move! S had told me that his dad was bored out of his tree on sunday, so my suspicions about the impromptu birthday pressie being more of a need to spend time with people was true! He is lonely which saddens me some what, he could so easily spend more time with me but doesnt!

H had answered my txt from earlier although it was a bit stilted thanking me for my message and hoping I was ok although with a x. So back home resting my sore leg in bed went on MSN to chat with H, told him about my injury which he replied cant be too bad if you went out, so he got sharply told it was very painful and if it hadnt been a birthday I wouldnt have gone so less of that please, to which he replied he didnt mean anything by it.

We chatted about his day at work, its not great and no new contract on the horizon its all getting very very worrying neither of us have a job now! I tried to validate his effort, but offered him no cuddle as consolation this time! Left the conversation saying I was really uncomfy and needed to sleep, he wished me good night and x's and then said he hoped it was less painful in the morning, then sent me a hug emotion and then a red rose emotion which blew me away, especially as earlier we had been talking about watching Jane Austen's Emma on the telly which he missed the end of cos he was tired and I had told him that he missed the romantic ending where she finally realised who she loved all along and got her man before someone else got their sticky paws on him, then I miskey'd H asked me about the miskey totally ignoring the Emma bit! So he has made his first romantic gesture which is a great baby step!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: And theres more! - 10/27/09 10:18 AM
Sounding positive Rabbit. So glad H is initiating the contact.

Cas
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: And theres more! - 10/27/09 01:46 PM
Thanks Cas, Yes its a good start, just taking it slowly still no rushing or spooking him smile Still a long long way to go I believe but definitely more positive and less and less of Teddy Boy is being seen now!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: And theres more! - 10/29/09 09:25 AM
Wednesday we txt back and forth nearly all afternoon and then caught up on MSN in the evening, short version was that it was very hard going talkig to him, so I politely said "it wasnt good tonight and perhaps we should leave it" H replied "ok if you want but I'd rather you didnt" He'd had a bit to drink and I think he was pretty depressed about things his end. But we managed a much better conversation after that and I was able to say how it was hard only seeing him once a week when I had so many nice ideas of things to do together! He then said that he would be seeing me more hopefully!

He is now first to txt every day, most days not till lunch but this morning to wish me luck for my interview later today. Although last night didnt come on MSN but I was dodging in and out anyway as didnt want to seem too needy and I replied this morning "missed you last night hope you were having fun"

My S described him as "one lonely puppy" last night when he phoned me, it breaks my heart hearing this when I have so much of the new Rabbit to give him and he's still holding out three counties away! But he only has his flat till the end of November and he will get shown all the love he can have until he signs that new lease then Im going DARK if need be! My heart keeps telling me hes enjoying his last few weeks of freedom lol, but my head keeps giving me cake eating warning signs.

Oh well onwards and upwards as they say!
Posted By: Sanderika Re: And theres more! - 10/29/09 10:21 AM
Hi there Rabbit....

Thank you for the update on Nell....

I sure hope she is ok like you said, I, for one, can certainly understand the time away from the board. I check out quite frequently myself.

I read back on Nell's thread that you wanted me to pop in on yours and I will get caught up on your posts and then reply.

I have already begun reading.....

So far from what I see, your sitch is heading to a very good place for you and H.....

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: And theres more! - 10/29/09 12:01 PM
Rabbit, I think the cake eating warning is simply the risk you have to take at the moment. You have him on side at present and it's going well. Give it the time you have determined!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: And theres more! - 10/29/09 06:10 PM
Thanks Sanderika for taking the time to read my posts much appreciated. Nell is fine I chat with her every day, she is just taking some time out to get her thoughts in order!

Cas I think your right just have to let this go at the moment and see where it takes me!

Big 180 today, got through my first interview, now have psychometric tests to and a second interview so keeping fingers crossed. A job will make me more independant what ever happens!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Need a rethink! - 10/29/09 09:46 PM
Ok all this week I have stayed in open contact, H has started txting me first but is making no plans to visit what so ever, one night he was quite pickled and I felt I was just on MSN comforting him, then last night no MSN after a couple of txt's during the day, and now hes in the pub again I believe and after asking me about my interview is now obviously drinking again and ignoring me. Right now I have had enough! So much for I will see you during the week, he is busy saturday morning and now Im beginning to feel played, so back to NC I presume although he's gonna think Im sulking but I just think Im worth more than this sorta cake eating behaviour! How come he has a radar for spoiling all my achievement days!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 10/29/09 11:10 PM
He finally came on MSN, was pickled although he said he'd only had two glasses, I was a bit miffed and said I couldnt do this anymore I didnt want a MSN relationship, and he replied words to the effect thats all he could do right now, I said I missed his voice and he moaned I never phoned him! I was under the impression that I couldnt because of the no signal, so I phoned him and he seemed peeved I didnt even try! Teddy boy was definitely present but mostly cos I think he was very tired, although said that now wasnt a good time to talk about anything serious, so I left it but there wasnt much else to say, I said I'd give him some space as I'd obviously over faced him space wise and he said "no we can still chat online"

I just dont know what to do, when we are together its fun, the sex is great, we laugh and have a nice time, and now he's gone back he seems depressed and lonely but doesnt want to come back and I lost it a bit tonight and said Im done and he said if thats what you want, so hes not prepared to fight for us at all yet!

Pretty sad and upset tonight! Expectations really had got the better of me, how do I back off without him thinking Im sulking, or keep up contact without it seemingly pursuing, Im just so confused!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 10/30/09 04:58 PM
((((Rabbit))))
I hate it when expectations get the best of us! So easy to do isn't it? You have some great moments together and you get your hopes us, then... the pull back. Ouch. I am trying to remember that when that happens it is about him and not me. The question always is, how long can we tolerate the roller coaster ride? I guess that is for each of us to figure out in our sitch.
I hope this weekend is good for you, and that you do some GALing! :-)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 10/30/09 07:17 PM
Hi Rocked thanks for checking in on my sitch.

Yep I seriously think WE over did the contact time this week, he might think he wants it but he's not ready to handle it, so for both our sakes he can only have as much as I think he's ready for from now on!

So back to some ME time I think, it also occurred to me today that the extra contact had lessened my ME/GAL and I was actually losing my needs to fufill his, so Im taking back control of ME.

Good news is that I have second interview on Monday so hopefully will have a job to go to soon, that will not only optimise my GAL, unfortunately that also will be H's loss but thats his problem not mine at the moment!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 10/30/09 07:37 PM
Good for you Rabbit! Sounds like exactly what you need to do! :-)
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 10/31/09 12:30 AM
Rabbit, as I was reading along I was thinking, "Rabbit, take back control here" and then that's exactly what you wrote. Stay with that thought. Give yourself permission to be in control. You dictate the terms. Pull back your availability and control the amount of time you give on msn.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 10/31/09 12:04 PM
Hi Cas

I think I have worked it out, I was theoretically becoming H's comfort blanket this week, which would explain why I was starting to feel so drained, funny fixing things is one thing I have tried to 180 because it wasnt good and not DB, and probably not a good thing to do for H emasculating him! Bearing in mind he left me with no comfort blanket and I have had to make my own and stand on my own two feet, Ive just yanked his out from underneath him, he wanted to see if being alone was what he wanted, let him find out!

Back out to GAL and funny enough his has been cancelled.

Note for Me

Dont allow H's rain to drown my sunshine! Detach Detach Detach!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 10/31/09 12:32 PM
Nice reflection Rabbit. More power to you!!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 11/01/09 01:15 PM
Spent a bit of time chatting to him on MSN last night, left him hanging there for an hour first, he had been drinking again, so I just kept the chat light and happy, didnt say anything about my second interview, and then said goodnight and got off MSN first!

All I feel for him atm is "pity" which is so sad! He mentioned coming to visit this week, but Im making no plans to accomadate him, and planning not to contact him till Tuesday unless he txts me. Gonna cook a nice roast for S and myself this evening and get on with the week ahead! Im definitely not planning to find my GAL in the bottom of a wine glass.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 11/01/09 01:36 PM
H doesn't seem to be in the best place for you at the moment, Rabbit. Perhaps he really needs some time for some self reflection and to sort himself out. After all you deserve the very best!

A roast sounds delicious!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 11/01/09 06:07 PM
Roast chicken was scrummy! Noticed him on MSN again this afternoon when I was on the net doing other things! Need to stop it auto starting up, although its nice seeing that he is wanting to talk to me, but thats not GAL for me! Hoping to go out with the girls next saturday, and need to think about organising some dinner evenings for friends here at the house maybe?
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 11/01/09 06:47 PM
Rabbit you are doing a great job GALing... you are an inspiration to me right now! Keep it up, you go girl!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 11/01/09 07:12 PM
Hi LR

You are doing great, glad you have taken back some control and GALing seriously again.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 11/01/09 08:43 PM
Rocked & Oz so kind of you to say so, its more of self preservation really but it works so Im not knocking it! H is sat waiting on MSN yet again and wait he will, I may chat for a half hour but when Im finished watching tv and I may not! Ive been chatting to my S tonight and chatting about holidays, he's planning a lovely trip to New York with his GF for her 21st next year, H and I went last year and had a fab time, so Im a little jealous, but next year Im planning to get away to Spain probably with my mate C and if Im really lucky a trip to visit Nell in Aus which would be my trip of a lifetime, of course both of us would love it to be with our respective H's but what the heck if not Nell & I will be living it up in Aus in 2010!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Not Good DB! Now what to do? - 11/01/09 08:48 PM
Well Rabbit, that's the idea right? To do what works...
It sounds like you have some great plans... I'm jealous of your trip to visit Nell! Have always wanted to go to Australia! HOpe that works out for you, with or without the H's. :-)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Need some male perspective please! - 11/01/09 11:17 PM
To cut a long story short, Mr Rabbit and I were getting on great for about three weeks, we are separated but after one momentus visit were I totally got his attention back so to speak he declared he'd like to date, so I set up the first date which was a dinner out, dressed up hot to trot, great ML and then left him to organise next one!

He didnt but that week I had a sorta non cold the sort that threatens but doesnt arrive, so we just went out for dinner, where he told me he was busy the next two weekends but he wanted to see me but would come up in the week. So I upped the contact a bit till Wednesday when we fell out a bit chatting on MSN not easy to phone him as his mobile has awful signal, although he moaned I didnt even try, well hes drunk more and more as the week has gone on and I have not spoken to him some nights and left him hanging on msn for hours waiting to talk to me, so he obviously does want to but doesnt want to make the effort to visit the two hour drive!. Tonight he got stroppy cos he wanted to visit tomorrow, I said I was busy which I am second interview, and eventually had to tell him cos he was so stroppy! I know hes very worried about finances, hes not got a contract at the moment hence me getting a job! But I just dont get him, hes gone from all enthuasiastic to stroppy teddy out of pram again. Any male insight would be fantastic, as Im actually getting to the point of wanting to tell him to go take a flying leap, so before I anti DB someone help please!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:02 AM
Just reread that and it didnt sound good!

Didnt leave him hanging on as he could see me on MSN offline so I knew he was there but he couldnt see me!

Truth is I wanted to talk to him but with him drinking it was a sure fire way to get into an argument like wednesday, althought when I said I would get out of his space as I'd probably over done it this week, he wanted me to stay and chat!

I feel like Im dammned if I do and dammned if I dont..

Just feel all wound up now, got second interview tomorrow and doom and gloom boy visiting, was looking forward to a nice peaceful sleep tonight thats gone awal now!
Posted By: Dia Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:11 AM
Remember, progress is neither linear nor constant. There will be pullbacks, and you have to ride them out. It will be 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, and when it's stepping back, you have to take your DB back to that level even though you were someplace nicer just recently.

Be fluid and flexible with this. Look back at what worked before and do it again. smile

Cheers,

Dia
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:13 AM
Thanks Dia really appreciate that will get busy checking what worked again x
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:20 AM
Hi LR

You have the same feeling as I do at the moment "damned if I do and damned if I don't" that really sucks doesn't it, sometimes you just don't seem to be able to win.

But as Dia said, pullbacks are inevitable (even once reconcilling begins) and you have to treat the pullbacks exactly the same each time by going back to the DB basics. The pullbacks I found usually got shorter in duration each time.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:23 AM
Yep thats me too, just this feels a bit of a wierd pullback but then so is yours!

I reckon its back to sassy/sexy/happy rabbit again, with lots of validation for H's worries about the finances!

Although me getting a new job could either make him feel more relaxed or more threated who knows?
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:26 AM
Weird pullbacks, you hit the nail on the head.

It seems you can't so much as backslide on happy/sassy people that we have become and we have to continue to validate our H's even though they are acting like little temper tantrum toddlers who aren't getting their own way.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:29 AM
Well hopefully it will make you feel better that there are two of us in the same wierd boat lol!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:43 AM
There's more than the two of you in this weird boat! lol
Hang in there Rabbit! Dia and Oz thanks for the encouragement to Rabbit about the pullbacks. It is so helpful to remember that bigger picture!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 12:47 AM
Funny isn't it LR there always seems to be at least two or three of us at the one time in the same boat, us with pullbacks, Cas and Sanderika and their problem. At least we know we are not alone.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Perspecitive Additionals - 11/02/09 09:11 AM
It sure does make you feel better knowing some else totally understands. Was chatting to my mate from my horse forum who was worried that I wasnt on much anymore, and I said I'd found a divorce forum were people were great and helpful and didnt get fed up about hearing your troubles as they were in the same boat. She was pleased for me that I had good support!

So to this morning got about four hours sleep then a few more so not too bad, just got the awful pit in the stomach feeling again, which I havent had for a while so must have been doing ok!

Oz he was exactly the architypal stroppy toddler last night! Didnt like being told I was busy so made threatening sounding statements of impending doom, when hopefully it probably isnt he just didnt like being put aside for something else, or not being important enough in my life lol! Its still all about him, or maybe thats just it will it always just be about him or do they ever recover from looking up their own derrier?

Just didnt need this today, I wanted to go and hopefully get a new job and celebrate my victory on my own, as every time I have wanted to include him in my celebrations he's ruined them, so I wasnt going to let him this time!

Off to do house chores now, hopefully that will keep my mind off things!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Aha a Gucci moment! - 11/02/09 11:52 AM
Thank you so much Gucci, just read your other post this morning and I think a penny has dropped!

Ive gone a bit NC on H the later part of this week, mostly because I didnt want to fall out with due to him drinking and backed off. BUT on MSN last night when I told him I was busy his reply was "lucky whoever"

When he returned home from our last meetup I did remind him I had an expiry date lol, ooh wonder if to much drink and too much thinking has occurred whilst Ive been making him wait this week!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Morose & Depressed! - 11/02/09 09:33 PM
H that is. he arrived this evening and he is determined to be miserable, morose and obviously is digging himself an absolute pity party, he cooked a nice dinner and then said that even I didnt need him anymore.

i explained that needing him was wrong and was part of all the things that hadnt worked for us! I ended up in tears telling him how I realised all the things that had been wrong, I dont need him but I do want him, he said right we are getting somewhere then proceeded to get even more miserable and morose. I just cant win tonight so I have retreated to my bedroom, to try and relax, even though I am seriously worried about him being so wound up downstairs alone! Nothing I can do can fix or help this man so there is no point even offering to!

Tomorrow I suspect hes gonna do the I havent got a job and we cant pay the bills and the house is gonna have to be sold statement. Well we wouldnt be in such a mess if he hadnt gone awal looking for the land of green and plenty instead of talking to me!

Im so tired after only getting four hours sleep and having my interview and tests today, Im just not sure I can cope with him a moment longer. Gonna have to stop for a minute as hes hit the roof the internet isnt working on his pc, so he needs to reboot something will add more later!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Morose & Depressed! - 11/03/09 07:45 AM
Well I ended up going to sleep, we had both said that he was sleeping in the spare room tonight, but dont ask me what time it was but he came into our room and asked if I minded if he joined me. He was like a coiled spring, so I said no I didnt mind, he lay there so tense I offered him a cuddle and he said he'd cuddle me, which we did and we both fell asleep. Hes now up and about and obviously stressed as hell again, I just dont know what to do?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Any folks with MLC'rs or Depressed H's - 11/03/09 10:27 AM
Can you have a quick look at my sitch and offer any suggestions on where to go from here?
Posted By: TrentC Re: Any folks with MLC'rs or Depressed H's - 11/03/09 11:26 AM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Well I ended up going to sleep, we had both said that he was sleeping in the spare room tonight, but dont ask me what time it was but he came into our room and asked if I minded if he joined me. He was like a coiled spring, so I said no I didnt mind, he lay there so tense I offered him a cuddle and he said he'd cuddle me, which we did and we both fell asleep. Hes now up and about and obviously stressed as hell again, I just dont know what to do?


Do nothing; no pressure on him right now. Keep up a positive mental attitude.

You can expect him to pull back after this kind of positive interaction, because it means he's considering things. He's not supposed to feel this way; you're splitting up, right?
Thanks for stopping by Trent!

Just trying to keep my own PMA going. Yes it was positive him asking to come in our bed. After a not very good week I wasnt going to allow him to "cake eat" if you get my drift but he had come to the same conclusion, so I was quite surprised he came in with me. He said he didnt want to be alone, but thats where he will be again when he goes back to his own flat.

He's cheered up a bit, asked me to go to lunch with him so we will keep plodding along! Just dont know how to deal with things now my GAL has made him feel unneeded, even when he doesnt believe me when I tell him he is wanted, but needed was wrong for us!
((((Rabbit))))
Thanks for stopping by my thread and your words of encouragement. So nice to go into a new day knowing someone out there is thinking of you isn't it?
It sounds to me like you have re-established boundaries, and you know what they are and communicate them. Then, you respond to each individual sitch as it comes along. I've noticed a similar pattern with my H in that he will treat me like I don't exist but then somehow express that he is feeling unneeded or unwanted when I am GALing and apparently those were some of the ways he had been feeling pre-bomb which, in part, lead us to where we are. so then I get stuck knowing how to respond. Sometimes I think you've got to trust your instincts to a certain extent.
It sounds like you are doing well so far today! Keep your PMA!
Yup its a difficult one Rocked, yes you understand that the reason they left was they didnt feel needed, or not needed for the right reasons, but they cant come back just because they need you to need them if that makes any sense at all lol!

Before lunch he talked about coming back up next week to fix the shed roof for me, and do a rubbish run to the tip! We went off to lunch, he was distant, said he kept making the wrong decisions and added he should have come up Wednesday and stayed till Saturday (he has something on back at his place sat). We came back and H lay down on the bed, I walked way and came downstairs to email a friend. No cuddles or attention!

He came back down and said he would have to go about three, he had his evening class to go too and then was returning to work, two hour drive home, hour drive back to work and then home again. Then he said he didnt want to go, I replied "but you dont want to miss your evening class, and you can always come back" meaning another day! His reply "well maybe I will come back after work"

So I dont know he wants to come back till the weekend, what is this, the start of the beginning or am I the temporary comfort blanket, only time will tell! Did my honesty hit the spot last night or will he be in the throws of major pull back by the weekend having overdosed on wife lol!
Hi LR

The beginning of my H starting to turn around was when he felt I didn't need him and that I was moving on without him.

Once he started feeling this, he went all kind of crazy like and that is when the whole irrational behaviour began up until he finally exploded moved out then chased me and we had the big conversation that brought us back together.

Just keep going as you are, don't make any sudden moves back towards him, but don't be too distant or unfeeling toward him either, yuou have to strike the balance of being friendly without pursuing but you don't want to seem cold either.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Where are we going? - 11/04/09 11:24 PM
Well at the moment I really dont know, but he came back from work in the early hours of this morning and we have spent a lovely day together, no real R talk but some near misses, one me pointing out that he shouldnt be scared that returning to one life from two would be bad but should be seen as a bonus as it would/could be a better life with input from two! Also again I wasnt very good at disguising my disappointment at him talking about yet another thing he has joined down there! But he seemed to want to reassure me that he wasnt building a life down there. He has left for another evening at work, but we spent the last hour before he left cuddling on the settee watching the telly, I had put my laptop down after quickly checking my emails and he put his down stating he'd done so because I had!

I think and I whisper and think this very quietly that we might and I say that scared stiff just in case its not true that we danced three steps backwards last week but and its a big but we may have actually danced three steps not two forward this week, I do hope so!
Ok Im sorta in a "cake eating" position, H has done the panic thing and has come up to stay for three days, things have been lovely and yes some "cake eating" has occurred. But some very normal loving things, like him putting his laptop down for a cuddle and snuggling into me when I was cooking for him, and him validating my fear of him setting up a life in his new place, and saying he isnt thinking like that!

He's going back home this weekend as he has commitments and also he's run outta clothes and things! But when he said he'd be off tomorrow, he quickly said with enthusasiam and a smile but I'll be back next week! Now of course if he doesnt he's been cake eating and he's gonna get the royal order of the push, but if he is open and honest and starts to move forward in a sorta piecing manouvre, what do I do?

Hi Rabbit,
Well you know I'm pretty knew to all this, so take this for what it is worth... but I would think you "act as if" he is telling you the truth and will be coming back... but you do so with clear boundaries in place for you. so, then if he violates those boundaries in any way or there is further cake eating in any way... you go back to the GALing, pull back contact etc. And keep doing what you need to in order to maintain your PMA in the meantime.... Just my 2 cents...
Thats where Im heading Rocked, I spent a bit of time thinking about our conversation on mon eve, and a big penny really dropped! Ive copied below what I put in my email to my mate this afternoon!

"I kept going through what had been said Monday night before I ended up in tears, it was triggered by me saying something about loving him! He said how could I, I didn't know him, I didn't know what he wanted out of life, hell I didn't even know what he wanted for xmas, and that was heart breaking when I saw it from his point of view, at xmas all I had been was annoyed he hadn’t given me a xmas list and I had no idea what to buy! Then he said that I didn't even need him any more, and he reminded me of what I had said on our dinner date! That when he had his heart attack that I thought my world had ended when he nearly died, but being separated had shown me that him dying wouldn’t be the end of my world, now I had never said that to hurt him just to explain how I had changed and how I was no longer needy but wanted him! But OMG that must have hit home like nothing else! Yet how can he not want a needy wife but want to be needed. No wonder he said that he felt Monday night we had stepped forward some how! Perhaps we had both spoken and been heard by each other for the first time in months/years I really don’t know!"

I really hope that my radar is working correctly and hes not going to "pull my chain" as other wise pull back will be from me big time!
Well you know Rabbit, one thing I am remembering about DB principles is that you can't take to heart what they say. I don't know what it is about the "fog" state of mind they are in, but it's like they just interpret what you say to fit their own mindset. I have also found it unbelievably frustrating that it feels like we can't win! My H has confused me with the mixed messages of "don't be so needy" while telling me OW was attractive to him b/c she needed him! I don't think WAS's even know what they want! That is why the DB strategy of GALing and focusing on ourselves is so crucial! If you become the best Rabbit you can be, and you find strength and confidence during this time - you will be ok no matter what he decides.

Either way... whether your radar is working correctly or not, "acting as if" will be good for you. Keep your PMA going! You are a FABULOUS and ATTRACTIVE woman! Now you go girl! :-)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Blown away! - 11/06/09 11:33 PM
Well Im still in a tailspin, started this week expecting serious kicking off and ended up having a nice week with H!

So much stuff has gone on Im not sure where to start, but having gone from a very upsetting start mon, to H wanting to come back Tuesday and did, went on to have a nice day Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, him being torn between wanting to go back and take part in his new hobbies but wanting to stay, and then discussing coming back next week after he had done his hobbies! I can see him struggling and I do want him to finish his classes and enjoy what he is learning and of course I want to spend time with him!

He is still unusually a bit wary/jealous/unsure of me going off on a date with someone else! I have mostly so far only mentioned dating a toyboy in jest, I have never ever given him a reason to suspect I am or would! Maybe its because as Rocked said Im now an attractive, sexy, well turned out woman and of course as of this week a woman with a new job, who is obviously going to be in the path of the other men lol!

The nicest thing that has happened is he did the H quiz of the 5LL's and funny enough his LL are the same as mine, WOA, QT and PT. It was lovely reading all the things he had answered with regard to loving me and I went through them smiling saying "mm good at that" "mm could work harder at that" etc which made him smile, the only one he laughed at was the washing the car one for me and said I had no chance lol! He has always washed my car for me. My only query is how do you fill someones love tank with their chosen LL, his is WOA when he doesnt believe that you think he's sexy etc and just remarks I want my eyes tested, or do you fill the QT and PT tanks and hope that levels out the WOA?

So he has gone off back to his flat so he can do his hobbies, but I am left feeling a little hopeful as to where this is all going? Only time will tell and who knows!
Posted By: TrentC Re: Blown away! - 11/06/09 11:39 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
The nicest thing that has happened is he did the H quiz of the 5LL's and funny enough his LL are the same as mine, WOA, QT and PT. It was lovely reading all the things he had answered with regard to loving me and I went through them smiling saying "mm good at that" "mm could work harder at that" etc which made him smile, the only one he laughed at was the washing the car one for me and said I had no chance lol! He has always washed my car for me. My only query is how do you fill someones love tank with their chosen LL, his is WOA when he doesnt believe that you think he's sexy etc and just remarks I want my eyes tested, or do you fill the QT and PT tanks and hope that levels out the WOA?


It doesn't work that way. They need to have each one met seperately.

Words of encouragement don't necessarily have to be about his appearance:

* Compliment him the next time he does housework or does some home repair
* If he has a hobby, show interest in it
* If he has a good day at work or gets a major project done, be supportive
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Blown away! - 11/06/09 11:54 PM
Thanks Trent, I spent several hours this afternoon going through his digital photos and discussing with him how they could be made better using the software he had bought, and him showing/teaching me about the different changes! I was snuggled up against him as he had his laptop on his knee so I think I filled all three tanks at once! Thanks for reminding me that WOA dont just have to be about appearance!
Posted By: TrentC Re: Blown away! - 11/07/09 12:02 AM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Thanks for reminding me that WOA dont just have to be about appearance!


Happy to help. smile
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Blown away! - 11/07/09 12:04 AM
Rabbit, WOA simply affirm H for any behaviours so to add further to what Trent says;
it can be to say, "You handled that situation really well."
"I like the way you spoke so calmly to S"
"I've always admired your decisiveness"
"Thanks for dinner"
"I've enjoyed your company."
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Blown away! - 11/07/09 09:23 AM
Thanks for the help Cas! I sent him a txt to say hope he enjoys himself tomorrow and how much I had enjoyed spending the last few days with him and in particular that it meant a lot to me that he did the 5LL's quiz for me.

Im just going to act "as if" now, I have one last week to myself before I start my job on monday so need to spend time reorganising my routine to fit in with work and my hobbies. Its going to be quite a tight schedule but its got to be done.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/08/09 09:40 AM
H phoned last night which was nice, one he's not really phoned me before partially because he doesnt have a good mobile signal where he lives, but the nicest thing was he'd come back from his day out, hed brought fish and chips home with him for tea, but he phoned me before eating them to chat!

So I said I really appreciated him phoning me but to go eat his tea before it got cold as Im sure he was hungry and then ring me back or go on MSN. He rang me back several times cos of the bad signal but he said how he had enjoyed the last few days and in particular the afternoon before he went, that was me covering all three of his LL's without even realising.

He said how he thought we were getting on really well, and that perhaps I should come down one sunday, which although I said would be nice I reminded him that I now have a job to go to, some how also I muttered about having boundaries for myself that I wasnt prepared to cross!

So heres the problem, my main boundary I had agreed for me (he doesnt know) is if he signs a new lease for his flat at the end of nov, I was going back to NC! But that was before we started making headway which we are now. I dont want to upset the apple cart by making ultimatums. But I certainly didnt want to go into 2010 living in limboland. And a new lease would take him to Feb next year.

So I suppose for the time being I go with the flow and see where it is taking me?
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/08/09 10:19 AM
This movement towards you, the phone call and the invitation for Sunday sound terrific.

Ha! As if I could answer this after all the 'bashing' I've had on my thread Rabbit!

All I know from my coaching is that the question you ask yourself is, "Which action will bring me closer to H?"

Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/08/09 08:11 PM
Just taking it steady Cas, he hasn't contacted me at all today, so maybe I was too quick to hope!

You have good common sense Cas, dont let the bashing get you down, use it as food for thought but only you can decide if its right for you! ((cas))
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/09/09 10:20 AM
Txt him last night to ask if he had a good day, got short reply, then nothing to my answer or the nite nite one later! Amazing his interest only lasted one whole day!

Feeling a bit down today went shopping to our fav garden centre all the xmas stuff was out and we were going to buy a new tree this year! Really felt billy no mates as everyone was couples or families looking round the shops, probably silly of me to go at the weekend but from next week will have to as I start my new job.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/09/09 10:29 AM
Rabbit, you could be jumping to conclusions here....something I usually specialise in. For example my replies are probably short when I am busy, especially if I am flat out with work.

I'm more than happy with my thread 'bashing'. It keeps me on my toes, gives me food for thought and some interesting reading, particularly from a male perspective. Bottom line is that it's up to me what I do with the advice I receive.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/09/09 10:40 AM
Think Im just pre-empting pullback instead of making excuses for why he was not answering! Some time we can over DB lol!
Posted By: Eskimo Nell Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/09/09 10:43 AM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Feeling a bit down today went shopping to our fav garden centre all the xmas stuff was out and we were going to buy a new tree this year! Really felt billy no mates as everyone was couples or families looking round the shops


Isn't this amongst the worst feeling? Christmas is supposed to be a happy time and one for families - all it does is remind me that mine is even further away ...

How are we all going to get through it?
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/09/09 01:53 PM
I am beginning to experience some anxiety about Christmas coming, and lots of sadness...
We will all have to support each other through that!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Moving forward inch by inch! - 11/09/09 08:30 PM
Youre right Rocked, all these big events are going to be hard going all the more reason for us to cheer each other on!

Anyway problem solved H's phone was misbehaving again, we have had a chat on the phone tonight and he's coming up tuesday and taking me out for dinner and maybe a movie wednesday before returning home again thurs!

Not that Im mind reading of course, but one does wonder how many weeks this is gonna happen before he stops booking things to do down there which arnt already set in stone lol!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Update - 11/10/09 06:53 PM
Its going forward slowly still, H didnt make contact as his phone was misbehaving again, so a valid reason for not hearing from him.

He has been in contact every day, he has phoned me several times as well as texting and chatting to me on msn! He is coming up tonight after his class and staying till thursday, but he said he would like to take me out to dinner tomorrow night and maybe a movie.

This is so hard, Im some where between piecing and cake eating if that is at all possible, next week will put paid to the cake eating aspect if its that as I start my new job on monday and with my tight schedule as well time is going to be scarce during the week and he has most weekends booked up with something or other, and I have commitments also its going to be interesting to see how things pan out.

I so want to ask where this is going but I promise I wont!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Moving Forward - Dinner Date - 11/11/09 10:30 PM
H took me out for a nice dinner tonight, our fav restaurant, fabulous food but oh do I feel fat!

Tried to keep the mood upbeat, but the Xmas dinner menu which was on the table brought up some interesting conversation, me trying to behave "as if" mostly me saying that I was going to organise something rather than find myself waiting for what I wanted and find myself doing nothing!

H seemed to be perturbed that I wasnt planning Xmas with him, yet wouldnt ask me to commit to anything! On our way home I said something which I can remember exactly what, but his reply was "well Im still here" I am concerned he might be sneaking back into our relationship without making a new commitment either way Im not sure what he is going! So we are still on wait and see!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Friday Frets & Frights - 11/13/09 06:42 PM
Not a good day really, coming home tonight some one hit the back of my car and now I have a very sore neck and a car to sort out and Im going back to work after two and half years at home on monday!

That and a H who obviously wants to come home but is still umming and arrhhing about it, he came over tuesday night, stayed wednesday took me out for a lovely meal, as I previously blogged got a bit peeved when I mention organising something to do for xmas and new year. He was supposed to go back to his place thursday but the thing he was going back for was cancelled, he was obviously upset that I didnt seem to mind him going and that I had not seemed over enthuastic about him coming back up monday and tuesday, so time for some home truths gently said I hasten,

So I told him that I did want him here and that it was nice being with him, BUT if he was just using me for cake/comfort then I had to move on, it has taken a lot for me to stand on my feet and I cant go backwards. He validated my efforts to stand on my own two feet and said I'd done really well. He told me he wasnt cake/comfort eating and that he thought things were going well and that he hoped that we could see what each other wanted to do and maybe get back together, all of this in a no commitment kinda speech. So I told him that was good and he decided he'd go back this morning, this morning came and he asked me what I'd like to do, I had planned some serious me time but felt like I should in the interest of reconcilation, not sure if that was right or not, so we went out shopping, went to a hobby shop for him and I showed much greater interest and patience than I had before in his hobby, came back and he was due to go home, guess what he obviously didnt want to, so I kissed him goodbye and hopped out of his car and dived indoors outta the rain.

Obviously new job starts next week and I have quite a busy social schedule as well so the time he has snuck over the last few weeks isnt going to be there, could really do with some help with this folks, can I move this forward into piecing or is it wisest to let it arrive there slowly or is there something else I should be doing!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/14/09 04:41 PM
Thank fully my neck seems ok even if its a bit sore, it was so nice today to have some serious GAL time for me! Bought some new riding breeches and then went of to ride my beautiful girl, despite the awful weather she was brilliant bless her!

Still non the wiser with what to do with H? Will have to just see what next week with my new job brings!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/15/09 12:11 AM
Rabbitt
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
So I told him that I did want him here and that it was nice being with him, BUT if he was just using me for cake/comfort then I had to move on, it has taken a lot for me to stand on my feet and I cant go backwards. He validated my efforts to stand on my own two feet and said I'd done really well. He told me he wasnt cake/comfort eating and that he thought things were going well and that he hoped that we could see what each other wanted to do and maybe get back together, all of this in a no commitment kinda speech. So I told him that was good and he decided he'd go back this morning, this morning came and he asked me what I'd like to do, I had planned some serious me time but felt like I should in the interest of reconcilation, not sure if that was right or not, so we went out shopping, went to a hobby shop for him and I showed much greater interest and patience than I had before in his hobby, came back and he was due to go home, guess what he obviously didnt want to, so I kissed him goodbye and hopped out of his car and dived indoors outta the rain.
Oh, you're getting good. Real good!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/15/09 02:44 AM
You Go Girl! wink
You sound like you are getting stronger and firmer about your boundaries. Sometimes we have to do something that sets a boundary even when our heart wants to melt and accomodate the WAS.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/15/09 10:28 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Oh, you're getting good. Real good!


Thanks Gardener, actually it was almost quite funny that it was hard not to giggle, a bit like when youve told the kids off but you see the funny side of it too!

RW I have boundaries to be very important, my H is really a sweet kind man so it would be very easy to not enforce boundaries because hes not really threatening in anyway! But I have enforced them for me, I was certainly in the needy category when this all started and now although still with knees knocking occasionally NOT in the needy category!

Thanks for dropping in guys it was getting to feel a bit "billy no mates" around here, although I do find it good to journal stuff!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/15/09 08:05 PM
Pls go see SpyBunny/CounselingConunrums even if you don't know entire sitch. Needs help/guidance.
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/16/09 04:51 AM
Don't worry Rabbit, we are still here for you! I got a bit overwhelmed with my own sitch this week with bomb2 but feel like I'm starting to pull out of the shock part of that so contributing a bit more to others again.
Hope your week goes well!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/16/09 12:27 PM
Rabbit,
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit

Thanks for dropping in guys it was getting to feel a bit "billy no mates" around here, although I do find it good to journal stuff!
Sorry about not stopping by much. But like I've told others, look at your thread on the forum list and compare Views to responses. It's usually a ratio of more than 10:1, so everyone's watching, commiserating.
No excuse, though. I will drop in more offten.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Friday Frets & Frights - 11/16/09 09:04 PM
Lovely to have you both x

First day at work for me today, hard going but Im sure I will soon get used to it. H is around for a few days again but not sure after that what is happening.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Heaven to my ears! - 11/17/09 07:32 PM
H stayed over again last night, when he said he'd be back up next week if it was convienant I joked that my expiry date might be up by then! He said he thought that would be a pity as we were just getting some where!

This morning he made me coffee as he was off just as I was getting up for work, he kissed me good bye and then the most beautiful words I have heard for months.

Well I will LOVE YOU and leave you!

I smiled and said I liked the sound of the first bit and he kissed me again and grinned back at me.

How sweet those words are to me, I thought I would never hear them again in any form.
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Heaven to my ears! - 11/17/09 09:49 PM
Nice one Rabbit. All the best with yor job and with H!

Cas
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Heaven to my ears! - 11/17/09 09:53 PM
I am really happy for you Rabbit that's fantastic. Good luck with your new job, will be thinking of you.
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Heaven to my ears! - 11/17/09 10:00 PM
You go girl, you FABULOUS woman , you! smile
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Back to earth with a bump! - 11/18/09 08:47 PM
Well after hearing some heavenly words, back to earth we come. Came home and found letter from mortgage company, now H has no contract we are going to find paying the mortgage hard if not impossible. So I txt him saying we need to sit down and sort out a plan of action for the bills, so far I have taken paying them onboard but obviously cant with no money. Even though I know have a job the mortgage alone would be my salary.

Ended up talking on the phone to H who has a cold so I tempered my conversation, saying that we needed to sort this out, he said he agreed we needed things more separate and I tried to get over that separate accounts for bills and spending money, if we were together was a good idea, but if we wernt going to be together we needed stuff separate completely if you get my drift.

Despite his minor slip up yesterday I still feel he is dragging his feet, its so frustrating, I just want to scream Im not playing this game any more make your mind up and have done with it! ARrrrrrh
Posted By: Coach Re: Back to earth with a bump! - 11/18/09 09:55 PM
Rabbit, Read your opening thread and skimmed thru.

What are his issues with being married?

What are his LLs?

When things were great what were you two doing?

What has worked?

In the past what has he said he loves about you?



You need to get a grip on the finances together (opportunity to shine).


Quote:
I just want to scream Im not playing this game any more make your mind up and have done with it! ARrrrrrh


I have yet to see a WAS lead out of limboland. You have to move forward for yourself if he comes along then great, it's his choice.

What specific questions do you have?


Cheers
Coach
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Answers for Coach - Thank you! - 11/19/09 06:42 PM
What are his issues with being married?

He said he no longer loved me in that way and wanted to see if life would be better single. We never had any time between leaving home and getting married as we were only 16/17 when we met and got married at 22/23. He had a heart attack at 42 which will be four years ago this coming Easter. He never changed a lot of things which would have been expected, but allowed me to change a lot of things; I bought my own horse and gave up work.
From my pov in giving up work I became needy and reliant on him, and yes I know I certainly took him too much for granted. He is an easy going man so would never say. Since I have had to go out to work for myself and stand on my own two feet again I have a lot of sympathy for what he was doing in day to day life.

What are his LLs?
Words of Affirmation, Quality Time and Physical Touch they are the same as mine.

When things were great what were you two doing?
We were just happy being together, enjoying dining out, chatting, movies, sharing our hobby stories with each other.

What has worked?
Becoming sexy sassy rabbit, standing on my own two feet, validating his needs and feelings, fulfilling his LL’s.

In the past what has he said he loves about you?
That I was funny, sassy, good to spend time with, that I am generous and kind.


You need to get a grip on the finances together (opportunity to shine).
I now have a job but he doesn’t, he contracts and is stuck finding a new one, my salary alone will not fund our main home let alone the two living apart which we are still doing and he shows no sign of giving up yet. I have lots of plans on how to reallocate them so that we can have a bills account, savings accounts and separate spending accounts each. As one bugbear was that neither of us planned or did anything because we didn't have our own money.

I have yet to see a WAS lead out of limboland. You have to move forward for yourself if he comes along then great, it's his choice.

See I agree with you there, leading him wont really fix it he has to come of his own choice, I feel that is a big step him accepting he wants to work at this marriage rather than sidle back into it unnoticed which is some thing I want to avoid.

What specific questions do you have?
Ok it might be in my dreams or wishful thinking but I feel he is almost at the point of returning home, it might not be till xmas, he has discussed spending xmas with me and was almost upset when he thought I wasn't going to. We had a conversation the other week when we talked about where things were going, and H said he thought things were going well and he wanted to see what we wanted and if we could get back together. I told him that was good but I didn't want him to cake eat and it had taken me a lot to get where I was and I didn't want to go backwards. He complimented me on standing on my own two feet and said he would and wasn't cake eating. I’m just concerned that because he is spending several days a week here at our home and yes we are ML and enjoying the time we have together, can I consider this a sorta piecing and carry on going with it, but for how long, I always said I would call it a day at the end of 2009, but don’t want to shoot myself in the foot by being too hasty.
Posted By: Coach Re: Answers for Coach - Thank you! - 11/19/09 07:34 PM
I would use the money crisis as a reason to get together. Know that this is a huge stressor to man. A man wants to provide. If he sees you getting upset it will stress him more and if he is a laid back guy he won't say anything. So use the WOA to reaasure him and help develop a plan.

Sometimes when you lead you are modeling good behavior to him.
Validating, compassion, forgiveness, listening, LLs, partnership, personal growth etc. Make sense?

I wouldn't place deadlines on yourself - creates stress, pressure and expectations. Evaluate as you go. "Patience is the companion of wisdom." - St Augustine

You sound like you are doing alright. Let him come to you. Be irresistable to him.

Where are you in the UK? I have spent some time in the Cotswalds on different trips. I have been told I am "cheeky" and that I was "pissed as a newt." I have also sucessfuly navigated the killer roundabout in Swindon.

Cheers
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Answers for Coach - Thank you! - 11/19/09 09:12 PM
Thank you so much Coach I really appreciate the time you have given. I actually live on the Oxfordshire border and spend time with my horse near Witney which is on the edge of the Cotswolds.
Navigating the magic roundabouts in Swindon is definitely an art form lol. You are most definitely cheeky but I cant tell if youre as pissed as a newt over the net! If your ever over this way again maybe we can share a drink or two and I can test that theory x
Posted By: Coach Re: Answers for Coach - Thank you! - 11/21/09 02:00 AM
LR, We would be glad to have a swift half or two with you, the Greek and I need to get back to the UK and do some pub trivia. We once staged out of Cirencester and stayed in haunted pub, The Black Horse Inn. I talked myself into a cricket game once in Fairford and can throw a mean googly.

What are your doing to reach your goals?

Cheers
Posted By: Lost Rabbit The big R talk has started! - 11/21/09 09:46 AM
Been a strange week, H went back Tuesday morning having parted saying "i'll love you and leave you" first mention of love since May 09.

He has txt me again first every day this week, and friday afternoon even txt me to ask how my day had gone and was I coming online later. We chat most evenings on msn because his mobile phone signal is awful. I started work this week and I work in dominantly male enviroment, so any chat of work mates usually involves T did this and J said that obviously they are men, twice he has asked me if Im trying to make him jealous lol.

Then last night he started to say he couldnt come up this week as he was busy every other evening and he would come up the following monday and stay still sat, I missed that he also said he might come back after the tuesday again (he has photography class) I missed it because his next sentance was about sorting out the house and finances. Admittedly I panic'd a bit although my replies were calm. It was that I was if any decisions were being made like I wouldnt do them without legal advice.

Well the conversation went on from there, H said that was too early days yet he just wanted to sort things out so we had an open door, he also admitted he had to sign a six month lease not a three that he thought he was going to be able too, so has a bolt hole till feb 2010. This led to me saying that it changed things for me, and then the conversation just spewed into, we need to talk about stuff when we are together and a totally honest talk about how I felt I couldnt because it would push him away, and how he felt that he wasnt good at accepting positive affirmations even though he loved having them. It was a really good start but I sense I am still trying to make plans with an H who doesnt really know what he wants.

Interestly enough I call him up on ML, having told him I wanted too and I felt it was good to remind him of our connection, I said I didnt know how he could ML to me and he does ML not just lust, without loving me, and he said that he still cant resist me, and the fact he ML must say something although he doesnt know what?

He said that we were talking and that was good. I replied it made me feel sick to the stomach and he answered but theres nothing bad, and I answered but there is no hope and I need a bit at the moment, with that he popped to the bathroom and I reread the transcript and saw that he had planned on coming back again after the weekend so would be planning on coming up for a week, then a weekend break and another week or longer! So I apolagised and said I'd seen it and he laughed and said SEE!

So to answer Coach he is coming up in a weeks time to start sorting out our finances with a view to leaving the door open!

So the plan is to sort our finances out so that I can relax a bit more and know whats what! Sort some of the chores out that need doing around here that need H's help. Spend time affirming him even if its falling on deaf ears at the moment. Make him feel like he is wanted for who he is and not the money he provides (well he doesnt at the moment he doesnt have a contract. Whilst carrying on GAL and DB'ing my butt off!
Posted By: bonnyh Re: The big R talk has started! - 11/21/09 09:58 AM
Hi Rabbit

Hang in there sounds like a step in the right direction.

Get the finances sorted out first and foremost.

As for the R it sounds as if he's trying to find a way back, but you also need to consider what you want out of any new R with him, you don't just want to go back to how it was before, but build something better.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: The big R talk has started! - 11/21/09 06:30 PM
Thanks bonny!

I feel like I have put the nearly four months we have been apart to good use, I have found myself again, sexy sassy rabbit is happy most of the time! I have gone back to work after two and half years, lost shed loads of weight, bought new clothes and had hair cuts, I have a life started dance classes again and spend a fair bit of the week riding my horse, but all of these are female orientated hobbies, although my job is quite male dominated. I live in the countryside, so not only is it not the done thing for ladies to be out in pubs here as you know, nothing is open in the evening so I cant go out lottering in coffee shops or bars like the girls seem more able to in the states so not so easy to make new friends be them male or female. Still have to conquer going to the cinema on my own!

I want to put the fun back into our R, the finances are going to be a big part of this, we have always had the traditional joint bank account, I have tried to separate things out before but got nowhere, but I do think our own accounts with fairly shared money, he earns a lot more than me when he is working and we agreed that bringing up our son was an important SAHM job so I dont have a highly paid career so I think its only fair we share. But its important to have our own money, I have often wanted to arrange surprises or presents and cant cos either he can see or its the wrong time of the month for money! He wants to be spontaneous but Im more of a plan ahead sorta girl so not sure how we work that one out, especially as the I have to arrange pet sitting ahead of schedule!

I am sure we can compromise but he has to start talking and he has to compromise he cant have it all his own way cos he is the one who has walked away, as they say on here we need to be happy not right! Like you say it has to be something new, Im just not sure how we are going to get there!
Posted By: Coach Re: The big R talk has started! - 11/21/09 07:21 PM
GAL - ride with friends (new ones)

- don't you have hiking trails that lead from village to village around you? see if there is a hiking club you could join.

- volunteer at church or another charity
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: The big R talk has started! - 11/22/09 10:37 AM
Have plenty of GAL Coach! I do hike out but on horseback, I have my own horse and she takes up a good portion of my non working week.

Also started a new job in a very male orientated enviroment and they do seem a social bunch so fingers crossed we can start organising some social events!. Or if all else fails I will have to start sorting some lol!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit H wants to know about DB - 11/22/09 10:01 PM
Dont panic Im not letting on!

I didnt chat with him last night, had a really nice ME evening, coloured my hair, did all the girly sorta maintenance and had a nice evening watching what telly I wanted and surfed the net and did a bit of online shopping!
And didnt waste an ounce of energy chatting to H or thinking about him lol!

Tonight he asks what I did last night! So I told him I had a ME night. He asked what one of those was.

My reply:

Its just a case of being more interested/focussed on what Im doing for me, and putting aside the things/people that invade my space and stop me theoretically paying attention to me. I need to look after me, mentally, physically and I wasnt before and now I intend too!

He was impressed and wanted to know who taught me this and Im so not telling lol. Thing is I sense he'd like to be doing this for himself but doesnt know where to start and at the moment seems to be doing a grand job of blaming his lack of self esteem & confidence for every thing. When I said he needed to sort it, he said he couldnt afford too! Oh and btw he says hes not having a MLC.. and my AWAL H as I now call him also asked me what I wanted for Xmas.. I best not tell him!
Posted By: Gardener Re: H wants to know about DB - 11/22/09 10:51 PM
Rabbit,
You're doing great!
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
He was impressed and wanted to know who taught me this and Im so not telling lol. Thing is I sense he'd like to be doing this for himself but doesnt know where to start and at the moment seems to be doing a grand job of blaming his lack of self esteem & confidence for every thing. When I said he needed to sort it, he said he couldnt afford too!
Aside from telling him about DR/DB which we all know is a big no-no, there are so many books and resources out there for him to tap in to, but it almost sounds like he wants the result but not the required effort (assuming, here).

I know you can't and shouldn't "fix him." but perhaps the next time he asks who " taught you this," you could lovingly "nudge" him: "I did." It's not rocket science: he knows the things he'd like to change about himself. Pick one. Just one. And forget the others for now. Make a list of actions to take to begin. Or give him DR's goals recipe (don't have my copy handy) Goal. what would it look like if it did start to change, etc.

Keep going.
Posted By: bonnyh Re: H wants to know about DB - 11/23/09 10:43 AM
Nothing better than a me evening.

Keep him guessing as you say it's not rocket science he should be able to work it out.

As for the R side of things have you read ILYBINILWY it's by an English bloke called andrew g marshall and would I think be useful to you should the H decide he wanted to recommit. He's a Relate counsellor but don't let that put you off.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: H wants to know about DB - 11/23/09 07:29 PM
Thanks for the validation Gardener, really feels good to get some known again lol! Your right I do think he is using all the self esteem stuff as an excuse to still play in Teddyland. As much as I'd like to help until he is really ready nothing I say will help! But of course I will if/when he asks me!

Thanks Bonny I will look that book up, ok I had a bad go at relate but I do know other folks have that have had good experiences!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: H wants to know about DB - 11/23/09 07:50 PM
Going well there, Rabbit. Happy to read of your 'me' time and H's interest in what that entailed. It eems like his whole move as been about 'me' time.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: H wants to know about DB - 11/23/09 09:06 PM
Totally on the nail there Cas! He did/has neglected himself and doesnt think he is worthy of looking after, but funny enough moving three counties away hasnt made a lot of difference, financially he hasnt been able to pursue that much! I think my S had the right idea. H went looking for greener grass, hes now found out its not greener but hes none to keen on coming home as the grass is now really brown because of the mess he has caused/left behind! Even though I have GAL and done 180's for me I can't make the grass greener here until HE gets a job. I cant move on without the maintenance he will give me and without a job he cant pay that! I have wondered especially as Coach mentioned that men like to be the providers that he wont come home until he can provide again!
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: H wants to know about DB - 11/23/09 10:26 PM
Hi Rabbit

I think Coach's words about men liking to be providers is very true, that is one thing I have discovered with my H now. If I mention that I would like to buy something in particular or need something in particular, he now provides it without me having to go and get it, he doesn't say he is going to do it, just does it.

Your H is working his way back out of his fog or wherever he has been, it will however require a bit more patience on your part for him to return fully, so I wouldn't be in a big hurry with your expiration date. Keep going as your are with your activities and enjoy your new found freedom of having a job but still try to remain supportive and interested in your H and what he is doing. I have found that becoming more interested in my H's interests has made the world of difference as we continue moving forward.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: H wants to know about DB - 11/24/09 06:53 PM
Thanks for the advice Oz good to see you lottering x
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Wee Update! - 11/27/09 05:37 PM
Well I have chatted to H on msn a bit and also a short phone call, now Im back at work I am busy most evenings and very shattered!

Have gone quiet on H really, felt it would be better if I backed off when I started work, mostly because of lack of time and also because I felt after a little bit of showing him what he was missing it was now time to go mysterious again. Especially now we are coming up to party season, I can feel a lot more mysterious xmas parties happening lol!

He has pursued a tiniest bit but now I feel its time to expect a bit more! Not going to accept lack of money on his part as an excuse, it doesnt all have to be about monetary things! Anyway off out with a mate to celebrate her birthday so off to doll myself up, unfortunately H wont be able to see, but he plans to be around some of next week so Im definitly going to work in short wooly skirts, opaque tights and sexy knee high boots, do you think the fact I work in a very male orientated enviroment might worry him, I do hope so!
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Wee Update! - 11/27/09 07:03 PM
Hi Rabbit,
I like your approach... sounds like the right way to go for your sitch. You know the thing about getting dolled up, wearing the sexy clothes, etc. Even if our H never see it, it makes us feel good, boosts our confidence, which eventually H sees too. I am really working on that myself and it is helping me a lot.

You are doing well... keep it up! :-)
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Wish me luck! - 11/29/09 08:42 PM
H is coming home tomorrow, I havent seen him for a fortnight as he was up at the beginning of the week before last then busy with stuff the following week. This is the going to be the longest time he has stayed with him saying so before hand, up till now hes said he's coming for a few days then lottered lol! He is coming up tomorrow and staying till saturday, then heading off again for three days to do his photography then coming back, definitely till friday but hasnt said when hes going back after that!

We have been having some honest talks over msn cant talk on the phone easy as his mobile has an awful signal where he lives. But have certainly started talking more open about how he is feeling, and also a big break through is actually talking about going to the docs and sorting out his sleeping problems and even talking about the fact he is probably depressed!

Now for the giggle, my twenty one year old quite open spoken son popped in tonight, and when I mentioned I was chatting with his dad and briefly what it was about he said he had spoken with him friday, ohh dear I said "your dad told me he was quite depressed friday did he sound it" S replied "yes he asked me when I was going to visit and moaned I hadnt popped in to see him whilst I was near him on my first aid course this week, and I turned round and asked him, when was he going to see sense and move home, adding that at the beginning he thought he may have a point but now he cant see the point of him being on his own being miserable when he could be back with us" I so laughed and laughed I couldnt believe he'd said it, well I could but you know what I mean, he had said exactly what I have wanting to have said for weeks lol! Although I did say to H last night I didnt want to be his friend, well not in the context of a friend and not a husband!

So wish me luck folks I do think this is going to be make or break time, bearing in mind its a new year in five weeks time it cant have slipped his mind that me having mentioned I have an expiry date its highly likely its the 1st Jan 2010 and Im moving on!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Wish me luck! - 11/29/09 09:31 PM
so what was H's reply to S's statement?
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Wish me luck! - 11/29/09 09:34 PM
Apparently he just said "so its sense I need then is it"
Posted By: Gardener Re: Wish me luck! - 11/29/09 09:40 PM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
S replied "yes he asked me when I was going to visit and moaned I hadnt popped in to see him whilst I was near him on my first aid course this week, and I turned round and asked him, when was he going to see sense and move home, adding that at the beginning he thought he may have a point but now he cant see the point of him being on his own being miserable when he could be back with us"
You raised yourself a real man, there, Rabbit!
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Although I did say to H last night I didnt want to be his friend, well not in the context of a friend and not a husband!
I'm with you, here. Gardener's etched this position in stone.
Good luck in make-or-break time!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Wish me luck! - 11/30/09 06:40 PM
lol@ Gardener, yes S is all man!

Good news is I have got home tonight and H has booked a docs appointment to see doc for some "happy pills" as he calls them, this is a big step for him and having been there myself only a few months ago, although luckily now off the tablets I know exactly how he feels!

I am very proud of him that he has finally come out of his fog and is going to try and sort out his down feelings! He really really needs a job that would certainly help, so lots of fingers crossed he gets a new contract soon!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Wish me luck! - 12/01/09 03:14 AM
Rabbit,
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Good news is I have got home tonight and H has booked a docs appointment to see doc
This is good news!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit And now the bad news! - 12/02/09 08:07 PM
Well not as if I'd never known, H has diagnosed with medium level depression! We have done a little bit of talking but not much at the moment. Its still going very slowly, but I suppose slowly is better than no where.
Posted By: rockedworld Re: And now the bad news! - 12/03/09 03:43 AM
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Well not as if I'd never known, H has diagnosed with medium level depression! We have done a little bit of talking but not much at the moment. Its still going very slowly, but I suppose slowly is better than no where.


Yes it is Rabbit! Slow movement is still movement, and very good news that he has agreed to see the Doc. smile
H picked me up from work tonight and we went to see the xmas lights over at our favourite garden centre. Ended up having coffee & cakes and sitting talking! Not the place I'd planned on having our first big R talk, but it happened anyway.

Ended up saying that I wasnt going into 2010 separated, also saying what things I wanted in the way of security (accounts split up more) and transparency regarding a few subjects, H never had an affair but he has a friendship with someone who accused me of doing wrong by her and I didnt! I said I wasnt laying down revenge/ultimatums and he still had the choice to do things differently. We agreed on where we would like to move too (not straight away) and that we would be spending Xmas and New Year together!

We have opened the door on talks, but H is the one that needs to start doing the talking! Its never been his strong point and I will have to learn to give him space to say his piece. But things appear to be taking a good turn at last!
Sounds very good...you've really turned a corner-slow and steady now. (((((Rabbit)))))
Cas
Thanks Cas!

He has been home with me all week, stayed one more than he was planning to as something got cancelled, but he told me he had good news that he was staying another day, unfortunately he didnt bring enough tablets back so has gone back this evening and will be back wednesday after his evening class! We are having Xmas together but have yet to sort out New Year! He txt me to say he had arrived safely and said he was missing me already. Well thats a nice txt to have. So we are still going forward just slowly still! I may get a happy 2010 after all!
Well done! Great news Rabbit.

Please send my best to Nell.

Cas
I will Cas shes been out GAL with work and has been busy Im pleased to report!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit How to handle this! - 12/08/09 07:00 PM
Right things have been going pretty well for H and myself, we are talking and I would say looking pretty much like we will be back together soon, been discussing house hunting etc but all our moves are on hold as H has to get a new job!

Anyway back before he went awal (separated) he deliberately went to a party I didnt want him to go too and didnt wear his wedding ring, now he did tell me that he had said nothing and that he told the friend that it was an impromptu visit, I know he had taken stuff to change into so it wasnt impromptu but deliberate. Anyway today two separate Xmas cards arrived today one addressed to me and one to him! As this friend moved to Spain the week after said leaving party she is hardly likely to have heard the fact we'd split from anyone else! And we hadnt split up at this point.

Honestly Im spitting bricks at the moment but dont want to jepordise us getting back together but dont want to get back with him with a lie between us either.

Advice please would be lovely!
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Important Update - 12/11/09 07:40 AM
Does Mr Rabbit saying


"I love you"


Count as "divorce busted" lol! We are spending Xmas together and he is spending more time here than ever before just going back to his place to finish off his course he started, and we are starting to plan our new life, its very very early stages but 2010 looks like its going to be heaps better than 2009!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Important Update - 12/11/09 10:27 AM
Well done. Great news Rabbit!

Cas
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Important Update - 12/11/09 06:53 PM
Hi Rabbit!
Sounds like excellent progress!
My H said "I love you" for the first time since the A progressed. It was a very special moment, because we both knew he would not say that lightly or without meaning it. He has also verbally re-commited to our marriage and we are now discussing Christmas.
Huge relief.... but a long road ahead!
I am finally looking forward to Christmas though... knowing it will be as it always has been... together.
I hope you and h have a wonderful Christmas together and build some new, special memories to treasure!
Hugs,
Rocked
Posted By: Lost Rabbit Re: Important Update - 12/12/09 12:16 PM
Thanks Rocked it is a long road ahead to get back to somewhere as we are definitely not going back to where we were so to speak! Trying to keep a steady keel on things, H has commitments down South till end of Jan and desperately needs to get a job now. Just trying to go slowly and not panic him.
Posted By: girlfromoz Re: Important Update - 12/21/09 10:23 PM
Hi LR

Just thought I would drop in, have been lurking and reading and I just wanted to say how happy I am for you and the progress you have made, you have done some hard work but there is more hard work to come in re-establishing the R, but I know you will do just fine. Best wishes to you both.

(((((((((LR))))))))
Posted By: Gardener Re: Important Update - 12/25/09 06:32 PM
Merry Christmas, Lost.

(Inner) Peace,

Gardener
Posted By: Butterfly1 Re: Important Update - 12/28/09 09:51 AM
Want to say hi = I'm catching up on your thread but I'm very excited for you and inspired. Keep up the good DB work you deserve the very best.
Posted By: Butterfly1 Re: Important Update - 12/31/09 05:02 AM
I'm through the first part of your thread - I relate so much -- I am a panicker, I am an at-home wife who is trying to get through the long lonely days and trying to re=enter the work world after a 5 year hiatus, I have also gone up and down with my DBing- whew, you are still an inspiration to me and I'll keep reading....your discussions with Eskimo Nell were really great. Very focussed.
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