Probably too late - DivorceBusting.com

Hi, I was given a book called Divorce Busting this morning by a friend and told I should come here. Altho I may have messed up so badly that it's too late. Im scared, confused, angry, in love, and strangly in mourning all at once.

My husband and I married a little over 2 years ago. Very much in love and happy. we have no children and decided we didn't want any. At least not anytime soon. 11 months ago, barely a year into our marraige , he had to move overseas for work. My health prevented me from moving and I am still unable to join him. I am better, but travel on that scale would be difficult for me.

We talked online or on the phone everyday. We missed each other but we were very happy and knew it wouldnt be forever. My health improved over time and things began to look up for me , him and us.

That was until 3 weeks ago. He had to go on a trip and would be gone for 4 days. He left on Friday, txt me and told me he loved me and wouldnt have service and would let me know Monday when he was back. This is nothing unusual, it has happened a few times and I thought nothing of it. Monday came and I didn't hear form him. I sent a few txt over the next couple of days with no word from him. On that friday, I sent an email, letting him know I was concerned but mostly just updating him on what I was up to. Again, this was a very usual thing. As days went by I became increasingly worried that something had happened to him. I called and contacted everyone I knew over there. He was ok and nobody was really sure why he hadnt contacted me.

Last week I became frantic. I sent email after email, VM's , txts . ANYTHING I could think of to reach him. Still no word. I found out about a networking site he was on that I wasnt aware of, no I didnt look for it, someone else told me about it. I went to the site and things looks normal. I don;t use networking sites and couldnt leave a msg for him, I had no account. I decided I was being ridiculous and since this was so unlike him to give him a little time.

Now we're at this week. I received a letter from him stating that by the time I got it, he would be dead!!! I died inside and PANICKED. I logged in to every site I could, checked the post date on the letter , he was very much alive and talking to ppl. Nobody had a clue what I was talking about , but no, he was fine.

I lost it. He was deliberately trying to make me think he had died. I logged onto the one site that we both used and sent a msg that I had had enough. I knew he was ok and pretty much went off on him and told him we were over. That was yesterday. I was so angry. I can't say I didnt mean some of what I said because I did. Some of it, was just pain.

This morning I logged in to see if he had responded or anyone had heard anything. He had deleted all his online accounts I knew about and removed or blocked all of our friends.

I am devastated that he would do this. I was blindsided and I'm confused. No word in 3 weeks, nothing. Not one response.

I know I made a mistake sending that mssage yesterday, but now I can't take it back. I'm afraid I will never hear from him again and when i do it will be divorce papers. I don't even know what is wrong or why he did this. All our communication has been good up until 3 weeks ago. Being long-distance, it was all we had and we were very attentive to that.

I started reading the book this morning, but we can't see each other i can't travel, and if he won't respond....I don't know what to do? I feel hopeless and lost and horrible. How can I possibly fix this without some kind of communication?

Sorry if this is so long.

Calm down.

Read DB - then start working on you.

I'd close any joint checking accounts - re-open in your name. Are you on the same cell phone account. Get the records, then have his service cut off if you can.

Think about you and protect you.

Stacy

Wow this is a new one. Are there any mutual friends that you have that can talk to him and see what's going on?

Hi, Dusk,

The section of the book relevant to you is what's called the Last Resort technique. Read and re-read that part, and we'll help you from there.

Cheers,

Dia

We have don;t have joint account because he went overseas. I was wary of doing that and kept my own. He also uses a different cell phone carrier. Thank you for that advice tho, I wouldnt have thought of it.

As far as mutual friends , they are blocked as I am and he won't speak to them at this time. I have no way to reach anyone that is contact with him at this time. He kept one site on, so I can see when he logs in,but again, he has me blocked. I can only look at his page I can't send a message.

Wow, last resort was at the back of the book. Ok, Im going to read this now.

Thank you for responding. i am....crying and frightened and I have no family of my own, he is all I have. I dont know his family well unfortunately and have not had much contact with them, he had little to no contact with them. So I never got a chance to get to know them. I do have his mom's address.
i can't believe I sent that message. ...ok and to make matters worse, I also put the letter he wrote me in an envelope and sent it back to him with a few choice words. I did say I was glad to find out he was ok, which I am VERY relieved. Yes, i know I let my temper get to me. He has never even seen that side. A sure sign I'm getting healthier I suppose.

Ok..Im going to read now....

Dusk

Hmm, I don't suppose that letter is still in your mailbox waiting to get picked up? If it is, go get it. If things get legal and ugly, it's necessary evidence.

My initial reaction is...do you want to spend the rest of your precious life on someone that would pull this crap?

Having said that, I also understand how tough this must be.

Yes Dia , it is, it wont be picked up until morning. I should get it out? Legal? Im not too saavy on that sort of thing, but yes I will run and get it back out.

Spell.....My friends here have asked me the same thing. My initial answer is, yes. This isn't like him at all. I have known him 3 years, and been married for 2. I initially thought it was some kind of sick joke until I spoke to a friend of his. His friend is as baffled as I am.

...

Ok, I read the last resort technique. DON'T contact him???? Even tho he isn't contacting me either? Not pursuing makes sense however. Sorry if Im all over the map. Im really unsettled right now. Other stuff he won't be able to see since he is not here.

I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong. I always kept communication open with him and listened when he needed someone to rant to. He did the same for me. The only change that is obvious the past couple of months was me wanting to build a car. I bought a 69 camaro body and told him about it. He used to street race and his mustang is still here in storage stateside. He seemed excited about it, but that's the only change in quite some time. Im so confused.

At least while you try to figure out what's going on, don't contact him. It's pretty clear by now he isn't going to answer, right? And he knows how to find you when he does. Every message you send is pushing him further away.

My guess at this point is that he needs some time. Could be a million different reasons for that, trying to figure it out right now is pointless. There will be time later.

I agree with spellfire,it took some big castonets to send a letter like that.not only that but how could you do that to someone you say you love.just doesn't makes sense.I must be hard on you.
you have to protect yourself though.work on you that is your number one priority.

Sorry to say this, but I think your H is in love with someone else. It always comes down to that, unfortunately.

Keep it together and dont contact him. He has made it more than clear that is what he wants...
Stay strong and good luck!
K

Yes - I know it goes against everything you may be wanting or feeling right now, but yes, DO NOT contact him.

Get that letter, keep the original and make a photocopy or two.

Get a notebook and start documenting things. Websites where he's logged in (print a screen shot), things he's said to you (with dates), cell phone records if you have them or can access them, dates of those other 'no cell phone service' trips etc.

I am only trying to prepare you for the possible worst - he is very likely in a relationship with someone else and I'd be real suspicious of the no cell service excuse (seriously, does his work take him to oil platforms in the middle of the ocean, remote archeaological digs, deep underground? Not being flippant here, but you know what kind of work he does. Does that excuse hold water to you?).

If either one of you files for divorce, you will need your logbook and a copy of that letter as evidence of marital abandonment and (possibly) adultery. Any other evidence you may have that he tried to fake his own death should go into the logbook, too.

My friend that gave me that book said the same thing to me, then told me to come here. She said she wished she had gotten to me before I lost it yesterday. Because believe me, I LOST it. I was shocked at myself tbh afterwards. And exhausted. I don;t have the stamina for that sort of thing.

I dont feel like doing anything today but lay around and cry. if I could eat icecream I would. gallons of it. Ive been reading some of the posts here. Some of them make me cry harder and some I don't understand. But pain is pain. that at least I do understand.

*** If i start to think there is someone else I will lose my mind for certain. go ahead and say it...denial. I can start keeping a notebook. I wondered that too, how could he love me and write a letter like that. I dont know. I couldnt. But I know he did. I just dont know what happened. And Im sure I pushed him away completely yesterday. Altho, I guess he is about as far away as he can get atm.

I dont feel like I have anything to tie me to him. We have no children and he is so far away...... I feel so lost. I was reading about getting a life but that doesnt really seem to apply to me. I had to do that when he went overseas or I would have gone nuts. I work and go out with friends. Volunteer at the battered womens shelter once a week. Read , and play my guitar. I got a new puppy 2 weeks ago and she takes a lot of my time up. My cat hates the puppy, but at least hasnt eaten it yet. SO I walk her, which is helpful for my recovery. Im babbling.

edit 2.. yes he is an artist and travels to remote places that doesnt always have service. Before he left I used to go with him on trips and we sometimes didnt have service everywhere we went. So I never had a reason not to believe him.

It's ok. We've all been there.

It's cold comfort, I know, but you will get through this either way.

If you need to, give yourself permission to be a basket case for an hour or two (set a timer). Then pull yourself up and start making preparations to move on with your life. As you've said, it won't be all that different than what you've been doing for the past year. If he comes back, you'll be in an awesome place and you can re-negotiate your marriage then if that appeals to both of you. If he doesn't come back, you'll have an awesome life.

Not to harp - but please go get the letter if you haven't already. THEN you can be a basket case if you want.

Ok Dia, and yes, I have the letter. It was painful to read the first time and now...I dont know. He says that he loves me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but can't. For me to continue writing and playing my music and making people happy. A lot of it is extremely personal, but that's the general gist of it. He can't be with me anymore and can't go on and for me to continue and be happy. He also included a drawing of the 2 of us together. Just so...unlike him .

888 and Im still a little angry I guess that he would do this to me. But at the same time Im so upset. its like Im all conflicted inside.

Can you get access to his cell phone records?? Even though the carrier is different??

No i cant, Im not even sure what carrier he uses over there. Never thought to ask. I trusted him. He has never given me a reason not to trust him until now and that wasn't something I ever had to deal with. When he went overseas I was not good healthwise and spent much of this past year in the hospital. Just the past 4-5 months I guess, I have been recovering enough to get out. Working on getting myself healthy and back into the swing of things. So most of that he handled and I had little to do with. I know he discussed those things with me, but I wasnt in very good shape at the time and really just dont remember.

Dusk, how old is your H? After Last Resort, check out Mid Life Crisis in the book.

And - word to the wise - on those sites where you've been blocked, signing up under a diff email address may make things visible again.

If we're talking Facebook, you might have to be 'friends' with him to see much and I wouldn't advise that.

Just do not - absolutely do not - use that account to contact him, pretend to be a secret admirer, or harrass him in any way. Use it only as a 2nd pair of eyes.

Also, this just occurred to me since you have health issues. Is your health insurance through his job? If so, you might want to make some back-up plans for health ins. in case you go to the Dr. and suddenly you get told you no longer have insurance. (My sister's X did that to her and their two toddlers.)

Ok, I dont know if he used facebook or not. He is 22.

My primary health insurance is thru him, then I also have seconday insurance of my own.

I just miss him. I'm worried about him and I love him. I don't want to lose him. This isnt like him at all. We have never gone this long without contact. Not once. And it was hard enough sometimes with the distance, and I feel like Im dying inside. then the letter... I dont understand why he would do something like that. If i think too much I'll go insane.

Morning all. Had a moment before heading out and thought I would post/(journal?) a bit.

I read many parts of the Divorce busting book last night. So hard because half my marraige has been long-distance so some of it really doesn't seem to apply to me. The one thing that struck me is that you can't control another persons actions. That seems pretty obvious to me but maybe it's because of my situation I was already aware of that. The 180's make a lot of sense, I suppose the 180 I should be working on is not contacting him. Im pretty happy with my life and what I do other than that.

A mutual friend of ours I havent spoken with in a while contacted me, just to say "hi" . I asked her if she had heard anything. SHe hadn't but she is going to send an email to him and see if he responds. Not much I can do but keep living and hope he comes around.

I'm not shy exactly , but I have read some other ppls posts and my heart goes out to all of you. I don't know what I can add and tend not to offer advice unless asked for it. I will keep looking in, Makes me feel better knowing Im not the only one out here going thru this.

I dont know what my furture holds. Im not a seer. I know I must live my life as I have and prepare myself for the worst while hoping for the best.

I love my husband with all my heart. What he has done is ....unspeakable...but, I have to believe there was a reason that I can , maybe not understand, but in time forgive.

I didn't sleep well last night again. Cried this morning while having my tea, he usually is online or has called me so we could have that morning ritual together. 3 weeks. Seems like forever.....

have a good day everyone...I will try to as well.

Dusk

No one knows what their future holds.

The only thing for certain is uncertainty.

Feel better - go for a walk, get out of the house for a little while.

I am in serious need of some hand slapping or encouragement. Not sure which. I want to send a card to him so badly, just so he knows I'm still here for him. I know I'm not supposed to and I can't leave the house right now. NOt contacting him online is easy for me, I really have no desire to do so. I just want to send a card or a letter , anything , to let him know I'm here. To let him know I do love him and am willing to listen to his reason no matter how bad it is. I am feeling so desperate for SOME kind of .... sign that he knows I even exist. I just want to know why. Am I wrong to want to know? Don't I have a right to know? I hurt so bad right now. How can this be so easy for him? Its so hard on me.

Does it really matter why?

He walked out on you with not so much as a goodbye. Would you excuse that in some situations, and not in others?

In an earlier post you said what he did was inexcuseable.

Thank you, and you're right it is. Im just extremely upset tonight and feeling sorry for myself. Im lonely and I miss ...what we had...I called a couple of friends and they are coming by later for a movie night. Anything to get my mind back off him.

Everyone here that has posted has given me some great advice and I know I am being a child right now. I would throw a temper tantrum on the floor but would give myself a headache if I did...not to mention probably injure myself.

My weak moments seem to be coming more often and I can't figure out why. I KNOW better, but my heart isnt cooperating at all.

I keep telling myself I can't do anything about it. Tonight Im just not listening I guess.

Well, you are awfully young.

It's normal to be sad, and grieve the loss of your marriage. But instead of moping around over him, you need to start thinking about you.

Great idea to call some friends. Keep that up - keep up posting here. We all know what you're going through.

Do you have a church or other spiritual support that you belong to?

Stacy

Morning, and thanks stacey. I had fun last night. Had a couple of friends over and we watched stupid sci-fi movies and made fun of them. Managed to make it thru my tea this morning without crying, altho I did come close. I read the news instead. That was enough to get me riled up over politics which of course took my mind off things. He would get a laugh at that, he always hated politics. :P

I logged into my site thinking he would have deleted that account like he did the others, since I know about it. But oddly I'm showing he is still active on the account. I didn't go and look, half scared and it would probably make me sick anyway. I didn't block him, altho I was tempted. I don't want to cut off communications lines, just in case. He did delete his pic off skype. and took me off his contacts. That was sad to see and recent.
Today I have rehearsals, so I will be busy at least. Nobody that we both know can get an answer from him. Nothing I can do. UPside is I havent been served any papers yet.
I am not really spiritual, I do pray , more lately than ever , but I don't belong to any churches. It's just not something i am comfortable with.
Seems the news is spreading like wildfire...2 of my ex boyfriends have contacted me.... that was...wierd. I was polite and thanked them for their concern. Not really sure how to handle that. For a moment I felt more like prey than a person. <shudders>
Im going to make a sincere effort to get thru today like I always have. I know he's being a jerk, but it doesnt change the fact that I made a commitment to him thru better or worse. This is the "worse" part...at least I hope this is the worst.

HUgs to everyone and thank you for listening to my nonsense. Hard, most of my friends don't seem to understand.

Dusk

Hey all, just thought I would check in. No changes really. No contact anyway. Cleaned my apt most of today. Just for something to do. Even let my new puppy play in the mud so I would have to bathe her. I was regretting that about halfway into her bath, still, it kept me busy on a day I would normally just be laying around the house.

Only cried for about an hour, then got back out of bed and made dinner.

How do you handle people, friends esp, that are so.. insensitive to what I'm going thru right now? I don't think they mean to be, but I'm very vulnerable? and am not sure how to respond to some of the suggestions Im being given. Ok some I do, I was quite firm on a few of the less...ladylike ones. (My mom would roll over in her grave!) I don't think going out and filing for a divorce just to "show him" is a good idea. I don't want a divorce and I don't really know what's going on with him. If he needs help then that won't help him. At least I don't think it would.

I have looked thru some posts but havent really seen any thing. I skimmed thru the book as well but I may have missed it,I'm also tired and need sleep. I will look thru it more tomorrow on my breaks.

Thanks guys,
Dusk

Just rambling a little. Doing ok , had my heart skip a beat last night tho. He checked my profile. No contact, but he did look at it. I closed my browser and just decided to stay away from the computer. No I havent looked today. I am SOOOO glad I took all the mushy I dont want to lose him stuff off there tho. At first I wasnt, because how would he know how I felt, then I rethought it and realized, if I dont know what he's thinking, why should I let him know what I'm thinking. Yes I know immature. I decided Im allowed today.

So while it isnt contact, he "looked in my direction". Somehow that makes me feel better and ..kinda makes me angry too. I will have to think about why it makes me mad tho and get back to you on it.

I decided not to log onto my profile today and maybe for the next day or 2, I dont have THAT much going on that I can't miss it. Not sure if thats a good idea or not, but I have decided thats what Im going to do.

Gonna treat myself to something good to eat,
Dusk

Sick today...woke up crying and can barely function. I called in today for everything. I'm just in misery and can't pull myself up. I was ok yesterday...for the most part. The nightmares last night were....awful....I must be losing my mind.

No contact and I don't think Im going to get any. I feel helpless and my hope is fading. I have read thru so many posts...about no contact.. I don't understand why I'm going thru all this. Was I too independent? too sick for too long? Did I not need him enough? God I needed him everyday, some days he was the only reason I wanted to keep going. Some days I wanted to choke him.

Im not ready to give up on him but I dont know what else I can do.

Ok, well Im feeling better this afternoon. I was reading thru the DB book a little. Again some of it seems to not make any sense at all. Its been a week since I last contacted him, 4 weeks tomorrow since any contact FROM him. The book says to try a technique , in my case NOT contacting him, for 2-3 weeks and if no changes happen to try something else. SO i was thinking ok, so i give it a couple of more weeks and see if he contacts me.

Then of course I thought about what I would do differently if he doesnt. Since most if not all of our contact has been online or over the phone since he went over there and there is no way I could travel even if I wanted to, does anyone have suggestions? Writing a letter would be different, i have only written him one since he went over there.

Im sure Im thinking way too far ahead, but having some sort of idea would help me, then I could set a goal, that if this doesnt work, I try this. I dunno, any thoughts?

As far as my life goes, I begged out of everything today and moped around then pulled the book out to read. I am feeling better altho I am a bit drained from the roller-coaster.

Dusk

I caved. I dont know WHAT i was thinking! I sent him a msg. I didnt ask him back I just let him know that I was here and that I didnt know what he was going thru at the moment and apologized for some of the hateful things I said to him last week. Let him know that I was praying for him.

So many of our friends ask me daily how he is and if i had heard anything, and I didn't know what to tell them because I DONT know how he is. Many of them told me i needed to let him know I didnt hate him and that the door wasnt closed. and i listened. Now Im unsure.

hopefully I didnt do too much damage. Just kills me. Altho , i did find out he didnt block me there like he did everywhere else. nice to know...but.. I know i shouldnt have sent it. Now what do I do?

God help me, he is having an affair. Im in tears and shaking and cant breathe. I saw a new picture on his profile kissing another girl. How can he do this??????? what do I do now? Do i just .....what do I do? I can't do this, I just can't. somebody please tell me what I am supposed to do.

omg i hurt so much.

slow your breathing down- 4 secs in, hold it for 4 secs and 4 secs out pause for 4 secs before doing it over

this will slow your heart rate - just do it

Okay, first of all calm down. Many of us have been where you are. Just breathe and take it one breath at a time.

Vent here if you want to let it out. We are all here for you.

(((stuck)))

i cant stop crying i cant stop shaking ive never been so hurt in my life. I dont understand and I dont know why this is happening. i didnt believe it at first and looked again and it's him...kissing someone else. I dont know what to do. im so ashamed that i couldnt make my husband happy and im so angry that he would do this and I feel.... betrayed. I never once even thought about cheating on him, I love him. I dont want or need anyone else. thats why I married him, to spend my life with JUST him. please , i am hurting so badly. I dont have any family to call , my friends just want to trash him . I cant trash my husband. Its not right and I wont do it.

Stop right there and calm down.

DO NOT blame yourself. You didn't force him to kiss the OW. You did not make him disappear and not contact you. Hell you were wondering if he was even alive?

Let's face it. He is acting selfishly and IS NOT thinking about you at all. He knows that you have access to his profile and is flaunting it in front of you.

Snap out of it!

Take a deep breath and clear your head.

i feel...broken...

He does know I have access to his profile. Thats true. why would he do this tho? He doesnt care about me anymore? He doesnt love me? How do you just stop loving someone like that??

I need to get out of the house before i lose my mind. I feel like thats whats happening, im losing my mind.

Do i just let him do this? Do i not SAY anything? do anything? my friends here are screaming divorce! I dont want a divorce, i want my husband back ... the one I married.

Thank you guys, Im so lost i feel so lost

Don't feel bad. When I found out my W was cheating on me (after months of denying) I threw up in the bathroom. Trust me. You say you don't want to trash your H now, but you will. It's perfectly natural.

"why would he do this tho? He doesnt care about me anymore? He doesnt love me? How do you just stop loving someone like that??"

Who knows? You're not going to get any answers by dwelling over this. Your H up and disappeared one day like that Senator guy who left his state to go traipsing around with his OW in S. America. They get crazy.

There's no sense analyzing crazy. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your assets.

But for now. Go out and breathe. Run laps around the block, Hit a pillow. Just something to get it all out.

(((((Dusk)))))

I am so sorry for your sitch and especially what you are feeling right now. I understand it is unbearable.

Do not blame yourself. This is his choice, he is being selfish.

There is no need to talk or even think about divorce right now. You are very emotional (rightfully so) and this is not the time to make any decisions. Your friends are screaming divorce because they love you and hate to see you in so much pain.

Get it out. Scream, throw things (preferably non-breakable things) and hit something (pillow?) if you need to.

We are here...I will say a prayer for you.

great NOW i hear from him? he said its over, he feels guilty for how he did it but he didnt want a yelling match??? He said it was too hard not being able to see me with the distance and he just cant do this anymore. He wants a divorce. He's unhappy with our marriage and wants out of it but wants to still be able to talk to me in general. he said if he didnt he woundt have replied to my msg i sent. Im sorry? huh?? what??? I sent a million!!!

He sent me a txt with a new number, said he busted his old phone but didnt say how. So i have his new cell number. i responded and asked if it was his new cell , he didnt actually say that, but no response, then said if you dont know already its (name). wow?

he sent this... "I basically vanished because I didn't want to tell you this cause if I had it would have been mean and rude because I wasn't happy. So I basically just let it go and stopped contact with you" "As for how long I lied to you, it hasn't been more than a month. I know it's wrong ""I do feel guilty for what and how I did things but I just wanted to be left alone and to not feel I needed to live at the computer for as long as we have had to"

he has a 2 year contract over there!!!!! he was going to be gone for another year and a month. I wasn't going to be able to join him until after the first of the year when my physical therapy is supposed to be over.

i dont WANT a divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and yes I thought for a moment that he's a ....bastard for doing this. but then i was so relieved i finally heard from him. im so confused. and my head hurts.

Dusk

Im in shock, i stopped crying , now im in ..shock....

just to add...at first he sounded VERY angry and defensive. I didnt make accusations (very proud of myself) and i DB'd as HARD as I could. i really did. he had to go before i did. but by the end of the conversation he softened his attitude and just said he was sorry.

it was like i talked to 2 different people in the same conversation.

Don't answer him. He's got alot of nerve to tell you how HE didn't want to be affected. Right now that's your plan of action. To do nothing.

Once things have calmed down, get all the information you can (credit card receipts, phone bills, etc.) and document everything. He says it was less than a month, I'm betting it was alot longer than that. Cover your bases. If a man is chicken enough to literally disappear to cover his affair, he might have stashed some money away for he and his OW.

Ok i can do that, its the weekend and Im just going to try like hell not to spend it in tears. Longer than a month? god my heart skipped a beat when i read that stuck.

Ok i have been documenting everything for the past few days. but not much to document until now I guess.

Most assets are mine from my parents deaths. Altho he has a nice fund himself from his dads death. All of our bank accounts are individual i didnt get joint account, the executor of my parents estate advised me not to keep any joint accounts when he went overseas. We dont have any paper billing, everything is done online. When my head doesnt hurt and im not feeling like im gonna die I will start on that.

thank so much guys , Im ....i feel like Im all alone. all my friends are my age and .... i dont really know anyone older that i can talk to or get advice from. My doctors maybe but this isnt something I really want to talk to them about. I did have to tell my doctor a few days ago that i was having some problems, I was backsliding a little i guess. I have been eating again tho, or trying to.

Dusk

Forget about age. Nothing beats experience. We've all been in your shoes, so DON'T EVER think that you are alone. We all know what it's like.

Whenever you get that fear or anxiety rising again, write back on here and you'll get someone to respond. Just take it one day at a time.

Although it's hard to see now, things do get better. You get stronger. I remember my first night and a number of posters here helped me going.

(((stuck)))

Ok the saga continues. He just txt me again saying he was sorry he fell asleep on me. Now, I know Im young and emotional but what is going on??? no contact for a month? sends me a suicide note, now he has sent me no less than 8 txts and sent a msg on my profile??

Anyone? I havent answered, i dont know what to say . i mean other than "ok" ?

This is all very confusing, am i missing something really obvious?

I feel like this is all a nightmare and I will wake up soon, but I dont seem to be waking up. Is he deliberately trying to make me lose my mind? Do people actually do that? A close friend of mine seems to think so. The man i married wouldnt do that but I dont know who this man is that im married to right now. Its ...almost scary

Dusk

Dusk-

Are you in counseling? If not, it may be something for you to think about.

You could also look for support groups in your area.

Stuck said it best...you are not alone, we've been there.

IMO - don't answer the text(at least not for a while). All of a sudden he wants to talk and you are to be at his beckon call?

Perhaps those with more experience than I can chime in...

Hi ashlee, counseling? no, Im not in counseling. I had a therapist when i got out of the hospital the first time in jan. I had trouble dealing with how sick I was and coping with not being able to really function. But for this ? no.

I really feel like Im losing it tho. Im sick to my stomach and had to get my o2 ank back out. thank god I got it refilled a couple of weeks ago, I was almost off it tho. Only needed it when i was out too long. i dont want to go back into the hospital again, I dont think I can handle it.

I really miss my mom right now.

Dusk

((((Dusk))))

I'm so sorry about your mom.

I think counseling will do you a world of wonders. The sitch your H has created has turned your life upside-down and you need help to get thru it.

Physically, are you going to be okay? Do you have a friend with you in case something happens?

I think you mentioned your aren't particularly religious but do pray. My spirituality has taken a turn since my sitch began and I am so grateful for that. I am here today, still strong, because of my faith in God. He has helped me carry my burdens.

I dont feel well, my friend is staying here tonight, she is worried too. I cant breathe and feel pretty weak. But i know its from whats happening. If I get any worse Im sure she will drag me into ER. Which will stress me out further. Im still recovering which is why i cant travel. Not easily anyway.

Thank you, i had the best mom and dad ever. I wil lprobably have to lay down soon. Im so shaky. I dont know what to do about all the txts he sending. My friend threw my cell across the room. She has a bit of a temper too, funny we are so close. I dont think i can answer him tonight, i dont have the strength to deal with it. not tonight.

HUGS ashlee, thank you all for listening.....im crying again ..god i cant stop. Im going to try to get some rest.

Dusk

Dusk -

Please let us know how you are in the morning.

Hey, thanks again ashlee. Im ....alive . Didn't sleep much last night. My friend called my doctor last night and I am going in to see him here in about an hour. I feel like hell tbh. Its stress I know, but I am going in regardless just to make sure things are ok.

When I woke up this morning I lookd at my cell and he had sent another txt telling me goodnight. It made me so sick I had to lay back down a minute. I got so dizzy when I saw that. I dont know how I fell about all this right now, I dont have the energy to deal with it. I need to take care of myself and he is making me literally sick. I cant believe my own husband is doing this to me.

I dont know if I should respond or not but I dont want to. I cant stand the thought of talking to him right now. I am getting mixed signals and Im not that strong.

Im probably going to stay with my friend for a few days until Im feeling better. She has internet (thank god) so I dont go crazy with nothing to do, but i imagine I will be sleeping or trying to most of the time.

SO far Ive held my tea down. I figure thats a good thing. I know many of you have had to deal with the one you love cheating on you. I dont know how you do it. I feel like Im dying.

I will check in later if Im up for it. Thanks all of you. I know it doesnt seem like much but it does help a little.

Dusk

Dusk-

Thanks for checking in. Focusing on yourself is the most important thing right now.

If you don't want to answer him, then don't. Given his recent behavior and your health, you do what is best for you.

When I first found out about H, I was devastated. I completely flipped out. I cried, screamed, cursed, and ripped my H apart. Perhaps it wasn't the 'right' thing to do, certainly not in line with what DR says...but at that time I hadn't read the book and did a lot of the wrong things. However, I don't regret it. For me, ripping into H is what I needed to do at that time. H will never forget it and perhaps it will always be something he has 'against me'.

Just know, which I think you do, you are not alone. So many of us have been where you are, just different circumstances. I am still currently dealing with H's affair (EA). Yes, it's very, very difficult but I am surviving. One day at a time. You can do this.

Take care.

Well I am ok, stressed as hell and need LOTS of rest, which I was trying to do , then my cell went off again. Another txt from him. Apologizing again and telling me he just "wanted to be left alone" . I didn't react as strongly this time but I havent answered him yet either.

I can't get that picture of him kissing that girl out of my head. Everytime I lay down to rest it pops back in there. God I wish I had never seen it. But on the flip side, at least I know.

I WANT to rip him apart. I want to go over there and slap him silly, i want to scream at him. Im trying to stay calm as i can.

I still don't feel like answering him. I think I am going to wait before I deal with it. i dont know if thats the right thing to do as far as our marriage goes , but I cant afford to spend any energy on it right now. I have a followup on mon and they want to run some tests. Also canceled my physical therapy for now until I gain some strength back. It would be too hard on me and do more damage apparently.

Other than all this I am "ok" i guess. Friends have been stopping by here and thankfully NOT talking about him. I even got a massage from one of them. Helped a BUNCH. So for now, Im going to rest and take care of myself. Try not to cry over him (yea right).

I can't trust him, I cant even trust him enough to talk to him. My dr wouldnt prescribe anything to help me relax, because my heart is still a little weak and it would interfere with my other meds. So I just have to stay caaaalm. Easier said than done tho. He also suggested counseling, so Im looking into that mon.

Been a long weekend already

Dusk

DO NOT answer him.

He's trying to push your buttons to see if you're still "loyal" to him.

Let him wonder. Move on with your life and get better first.

Dusk-

You are focusing on your health which is the right thing to do. I know it's hard not to think about it or not to see that picture when you close your eyes. Distracting yourself with the computer, movies or friends never works 100% of the time but hang in there. Believe it or not it'll get easier. Time heals all wounds...it just takes a while.

Stuck is right...don't answer him. He's playing you...as long as you don't join in, it's not much of a game.

Thanks ashlee. I am jusr kinda of checking in again. He sent a couple of txts again last night. Telling me goodnight and he wanted to talk about a few things. I turned my cell off and went to sleep.

I feel a little better today, and by that i mean "little" but its better than worse.

And stuck, thanks for the feedback on answering. I dont want to right now anyway, but knowing thats best for now regardless helps a lot.

Have a good day everyone.

Dusk

Ok I blew it. I should have turned my cell BACK OFF but I was so tired I just fell back to sleep after calling a friend of mine.

Then he called, ..and I LOST IT. I answered and just screamed at him for waking me up and not giving a damn and Im not really sure what else I said but none of it was very nice... then I calmed down a little. He didnt exactly get defensive, I think my outburst caught him off guard? I dunno... anyway he DENIES writing the letter!!!!!!!! Denies it. Flat out said he didnt write it. That he had surgery on his arm 3 weeks ago and that he couldnt possibly write a letter. I told him I had it and it was from him. The handwriting IS a bit messier but it was from him. He said no way. I then told him I saw the pic and he had a tank on and NO SURGERY, he looked fine. No answer.

I then told him if he continues lying to me he will push me away because I dont have the strength to deal with his crap right now. He said he knew and sounded sad. I didnt care tho. He asked me if I was feeling ok and I went off again. I said no , not that you give a damn. I did NOT mention the little hussy(my friends word Im borrowing it). then I ended the call.

Total fail on DBing i know. I am sure I will regret answering later. I was so damn tired and felt so bad and when I saw him come up on the phone I just....snapped. I did tell him to leave me the (insert VERY bad word here) alone for a bit.

The entire episode made my head hurt and I cried for a while. I DID NOT cry during the call tho. I was just angry. NOw Im just exhausted again.

Im going to just try to rest and get some strength back. When Im feeling better I guess I can deal with this tangle that is my marriage.

Dusk

I don't think your outburst was so bad. After what you've been through, I think you deserved to vent.

Just don't do it again and don't answer his calls or texts anymore. Let him eat static for at least three weeks.

You don't want a divorce? Then don't file. What's he going to do about it right now, anyway?

When you think about it, his hands are tied right now too. He can't divorce you while he's out of the country for two years. The affair could burn out a lot sooner than that.

Dusk,
I think you needed to vent. I think it was good for you. It probably took him by surprise, actually...and maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to let him know you will not tolerate this behavior. You deserve better than the way he has been treating you lately - who pulls this kind of stuff? Obviously he is not in a good place but that does not say anything about the kind of person you are or what you deserve. Take care of yourself...that is the most important thing right now.

We are here for you!

Yes, we are.

His back-peddling re: that lame-@ss letter (what a child he is) also shows that he is making very bad decisions in the heat of the moment. Ironically, this can be a good thing because it shows confusion.

You be the calm in the eye. You can do this.

(((Dusk)))

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're only human after all. What's done is done. I agree with hhh, maybe it was a good thing - now he knows you won't tolerate his behavior.

As far as the letter goes I can not believe he denies writing it! Wow. That is unbelievable, actually astonishing.

Keep taking care of yourself and check in when you can so we know you're alright.

Take care.

Hey everyone. Sorry I wasn't able to check in, I was admitted to the hospital for observation and just got released this morning. I'm ok, just exhaustion , stress and relapsed a bit. I'm going to sleep for a couple of day sI think :P. A friend is staying with me for the rest of the week at least so i'm not here alone.

No msgs from my husband since I went off on him. I have mixed feelings about that. He has been checking my profile every few hours tho. NOt just a couple of times a day, SEVERAL. No idea whats up with that. Makes no sense to me. Of course I hadn't been online. I have no intention of letting him know why or how I am. I don't think he cares anyway.

As far as the letter goes, I'm a bit floored by his denial myslef. Several of my friends put some rather scathing comments about him on my profile so im sure he has seen them and knows that nobody here at home is believing his nonsense. I considered taking them off, but whatever. He's already seen them so let them stay.

The last comment I made on sunday was that I wont tolerate liars in my life. Its true so I posted it. Let him think about that for a few weeks. I figure if he's lying to me he's probably lying to her too. What a mess he's making. Right now tho, I'm just going to concentrate on getting better. I am calling a counselor tomorrow to make an appt. My dr highly recommended that I should go. I agree.

I hope all of you are doing well. I am too exhausted to read up on anyone right now, but when I'm feeling better I will look in.

Thanks for the support guys, it does help,
Dusk

Hi, PD,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. I'm so sorry to hear about the affair.

I hope you are keeping your file updated - print a copy of the screen where he's kissing OW, if you have emails or IMs where he admitted the affair, etc., - print them out and add them to your file. If this does proceed to divorce, you will need them.

Hang in there. You can do it.

Hello everyone. I thought I would check in and give an update. Wow. Im feeling MUCh better after some rest.

Had some drama come up last night, not too bad but ended up talking to my husband for almost an hour. After his initial screaming at me. (still not sure why) we talked about insurance issues and my medical stuff and how we were going to handle all that. He then brought up his girlfriend. He even told me her name, and SHE is long distance as well altho she is only a days drive away. He said she is good to him and that we were in the past and that he still cared for me but it was over. I stayed VERY calm. (go me for DBing) and tried to change the subject. He said no less then 4 times that he was sorry for how he did things but we were in the past, he still cared for me and thought of me once in a while, but it was over and he wanted to be friends. ( i truly wanted to choke him but stayed calm) I tried to change the subject again, and AGAIN he mentioned we were in the past and he would always care for me and wanted to stay friends. He said she made him happy. (grrr) and that I should find someone that I can see on a regular basis that makes me happy. I told him that I wasn't that kind of girl and that I was MARRIED to him. He said he was sorry but it was in the past and he felt bad about how he handled it and one day he would tlak to me about it when I wouldnt rip his head off. he also said when he thought of me it made him smile, but everytime he mentioned this kind of thing, he would say , it's in the past. I did NOT mention that it was going on now , nor did I get upset ( i was so proud of myself) I tried to stay off talking about us and HER but he mentioned it so many times. He finally tried to end the call then said he was leaving this morning to go see her. ( i died) I told him to have a safe trip (dying inside mind you) and he said thank you, i will. end of conversation.

So while i know i shouldnt have let him keep bringiung us an dher up, he just insisted on it. No matter how many times i tried to change the subject. Any thoughts? What is he doing? Was he tryiong to make me jealous? I didn't act jealous, i promise, i was sooo calm. but it was sooo hard. I wanted to choke him, honestly.

Im still hurting over all this, but Im also trying to get better and NOT think about it all. Oh yea, he said he would chat with me mon when he got back. I didnt answer him. Should I? Gonna be a long weekend knowing he is with her./ Why did he feel the need to tell me???? I didnt need to know that.

Ok, I have an appt to see a counselor tuesday. Was the soonest I could go, with all my testing and other appts .

Thank guys
Dusk

I'm really confused about what he is doing.

Dusk-

I'm glad you're going to see the C.

IMO - I think by H telling you he is going to see OW he is trying to push you away and convince you it is over. He may also want a reaction out of you. It sounds like you handled it extremely well. Do not play his games.

All the times he said to you that your R is in the past....makes me wonder is he trying to convince you of that or himself?

Glad you are feeling better. Hang in there and keep us posted.

hey ashlee, thanks for checking on me, nice to know someone cares.

Yes, I think counseling is going to help me a lot. Not just with this situation with my husband but also the medical and physical problems Im having right now. Im always so tired and hurting, physically and emotionally.

I really tried not to react at all when he mentioned the gf. I'm having some issues tonight dealing with the knowledge that he's right now with her. Hurts so much that I havent seen him in 10 months and she is with him.

As for him trying to convince me its over or himself. I didn't think of that. He said it REPEATEDLY. I can hope I guess.

One thing I did forget to mention is that we talked about a couple of songs that I had written and was working on, he asked what they were about and I told him what I had been going thru the past month and offered to let him read the lyrics or send him a file. He said that he knows they are probably good but he couldnt handle reading or hearing them, that he felt bad enough for what had happened and couldnt handle it. I just said "ok". Thats the first time he hasnt wanted to listen to my music, altho he's right. One of them made a couple of my friends cry.

So , while I am feeling better, a little anyway, some times its worse than other times. I have to just go day to day . Every morning I wake up hoping he has come to his senses, but of course he hasnt. I dont know how all of you do it for months on end. Im only a little over a month into this and feel like Im losing it sometimes. I just want my husband back and to work all this out somehow.

Thank guys,
Dusk

Oh yes, one other thing, we did decide to make my insurance I have primary and his secondary. He is going to keep me on his insurance for now. He didn't really go into anything else tho. Wanted to know what the Dr's said and how badly I had relasped. At least he asked about me tho and seemed to care. He sounded sincere anyway. Even a touch worried. Made me feel better at the time at least.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was so upset and crying knowing he was with her and still is. I got another msg on my profile from him that I missed from a couple of nights ago telling me that he didnt cheat on me up until her and was honest the whole way until he got together with her. I have it in writing. She is on his profile now. Killed me. I want to copy and paste what he wrote to her. She doesnt even KNOW that we are married! She thinks i was just a gf??????? Even if that was the case he is still a lying cheater.

Im not sure how to handle this. SHould I send her the msg he sent me? I really want to. I dont know if it will break them up or not, but at least she will know the truth too. and yes, im thinking if she dumps him, then maybe it will help. Maybe Im being childish. I dunno. Anyone dealt with this before? having proof like this ? Did you send it to the gf? Left it alone? And why in either case? Does it help? makes things worse? God Im so torn up inside. Maybe Im feeling a little vindictive as well. I know I shouldnt but....god he's such a jerk, then telling me he still cares??? How do you care for someone and do that?

Anyone that can answer I appreciate it. Im stuck here for several hours and have tried to stay away from this situation and am really struggling.

Hope you all are having a good weekend.

Dusk

Dusk,
Keep posting or keep writing out your feelings but don't take any actions. Nothing good will come out of a gut reaction. Think things through and use your intellect not your emotions.

Got yet another msg from him.. I am not answering. This is what he is saying...

"I was VERY happy with you and didnt want anyone else and then things got complicated at the end and I just bailed basically (still sorry about it for not atleast saying something) but up until xxxxxxxx, I hadnt cheated on you at all."

I'm not really sure where this one came from. I havent contacted him or said anything else about his cheating, i didnt bring it up. He did. So, more confusion? I didn;t let this one get to me, mostly because it came out of nowhere and It's more confusing to me than anything.

I did get some sleep today so that helps too. Still considering sending that msg to her, but c-bart says not to take any actions, Ty for responding C, So i'm not doing anything for now. I did print out the msgs he has sent so far tho. They are pretty damning, He is admitting he is cheating and giving the girls name. Guess it goes in the file huh.

I'll check back later on, a friend of mine brought chinese takeout and Im gonnna eat.

Thanks again guys. Mostly im venting , but every response I get makes a difference for me. Im just so lost right now.

Dusk

Dusk-

One piece of advice I received on the board was not to react/act immediately. Wait 48 hours and see if you still feel the same way. I've gotta admit, it kept me from doing a few stupid things.

IMO - I don't know if contacting OW is a good idea. I understand your point - what if she doesn't know he's married and ends it. But you need to think about what other outcomes might happen. Maybe she doesn't know but when she approaches your H with the info, he gives her a nice story...like you've been separated for months or it's been over but your still married because you need his insurance...etc... The number of stories he could feed her are endless. Just think long and hard before you do anything.

Also, don't give her too much credit. Not everyone has the same morals and beliefs...although personally I would never date a married man, not everyone feels that way. The OW in my sitch is married. My S wrote her an e-mail calling her a bi!ch and telling her she is destroying our family. You'd think most people would stop the affair knowing what's it doing to a child. Nope...not her. Ticks me off every time I think about it.

I know this is living he11 and I am so sorry you are experiencing it. You are definitely not alone, as you can see from the amount of people on this board. Just hang in there. Have you seen a C yet?

One more thing...I don't know what your religious beliefs are but I found my way back to Church and to God after this began. It made all the difference in the world. It helped me control the anger and vengeance I felt (especially toward OW).

He is trying to get you to react to justify his sh!tty behavior.

DON'T.

And don't contact the OW or even talk about her. She is of NO importance. These A's thrive on drama. Do not give it to them. It only bonds them closer and you become the common enemy.

Ok, thx ashh and kim for responding.

I see a counselor on tues. Im glad but then again , I m a little nervous. I dont know why, I just am.

As far as his girlfirend, /sigh. I'm not sure. If he lied to her and didn't tell her about me at all. I feel like my hands are tied and there's nothing I can do. My husband is very....loving and prone to pour everything into a relationship. SO much so that he almost scared me off at first. I do it as well, which is probably why Im so hurt right now, but I take my time before doing so. I know my husband. As long as she is content he will be too. Well, he used to be that way. How can you be "VERY happy" then suddenly you want someone else? I tell every guy that approaches me in any flirtatious manner that Im married happily. SO he didn't? What went so wrong that he decided to do this? I have been trying to go over everything about the past 10 months he's been gone and we had good communication, talked things out when we got angry, did the best I could given the distance. So where did i go wrong? I couldnt go over there with him and I know he was upset about that but it wasnt and still isnt in my control. I need my dr's and hospital here. The trip would be so hard on me, and Im fragile enough as it is. I cant risk my health to be over there with him, and he KNEW this!So is that the reason? Because Im too weak to travel he just decided to get with someone else? and send that horrible letter and lie and cheat and....god. Ive always been honest with him. Always, I had nothing to hide and no reason to lie to my husband. Ok once I told him I was going to have coffee with friends and went to a movie instead, but that was just because he didnt want me having nightmares and I really wanted to see the movie. and yes, i had nightmares and he scolded me for a good 20 min.

I dont believe I married the wrong person. I love him, Im mad at him and hurt and disgusted, but deep down, I still love him. I know thats crazy with what he is doing. Im so confused and lost. and feel so helpless.

Dusk

Thought I would check in. I havent been on in a while, I had some complications and had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. I'm feeling a lot stronger now and got some rest.

I did go see a counselor on tues. It went ok i guess. I really didnt feel like talking much when i went in , but mostly because I wasnt feeling well. I went to my dr right after that and he admitted me.
\
No word from my wayward husband. He is talking to a friend of ours and mentioned me but I dont know what he said. I didnt ask. I'm feeling so....disconnected from him and the situation right now. Being back in the hospital really put things in focus for me , ( for the moment anyway) I just really need to get myself better and do what I need to so i can get healthy again. I cant make him love me, or miss me , or even talk to me, so im not wasting the energy on it.

The gf he has still bugs me a little, but not as much. Well, ok, sometimes it still bothers me as much, but i dont dwell on it now. I have good friends around me and do what I can to stay busy.

I hope all of you had a good labor day weekend and have a great weekend now. Hugs to all.

Dusk

Having a rough morning. A friend of ours has been talking to my husband and when I logged into my profile and saw her it showed him back on it. No word from him of course. I know she isnt choosing sides, but it kinda hurt for some reason. I was VERY tempted to say something but I didnt. He HAS been talking about me, but I dont know if she brought me up or he did. I dont know if thats a good sign or a bad sign. Im just hurting from it this morning. He never did contact me like he said he would. Yet another lie? Yea I cried about it. Nothing I can do. Sometimes I feel i wont ever hear from him again. Sometimes I dont care. Is this rollercoaster ever going to stop? I would be happy if it slowed down a little more. And he stopped checking my profile , i guess around the time he re-added our friend onto his profile. Guess that could mean a couple of things, but I tend to think he really is done and Im not sure what direction I should take. Do I stay dark? For how long? Forever? There doesnt seem to be any "set' time for this, and I hate not talking to him. Most days anyway. He put new pics of him and his gf on his profile. I didnt see them, I cant look, but another friend of ours mentioned them. I just wanted to break something. He is so happy with her apparently and doesnt want anyone getting between them. He could let someone come between us tho? Im not so sure. I think he pursued her not the other way around. Which makes it even worse. I would love to blame her, but, I cant, esp if she didnt know. Doesnt mean I want to be friends with her. I want to rip her apart and tell her to get away from my husband.

I have a bbq this afternoon with some friends of mine. Im looking forward to that. Im making potato salad right now and brownies. Cant show up empty handed!

UPside is divorce hasnt been mentioned yet. I was wondering if he could divorce me over there? I know you can get married out of the country can you divorce too? What do I do if he can? I cant go there and fight it!

I need to stop thinking so much.

Dusk

Hi everyone. Just got back from the bbq. Had a WONDERFUL time. Took my guitar and we played some music and ate. Had a water balloon fight. Caught up with some friends. All in all, was a great afternoon.

H came up once in conversation, a mutual friend spoke to him a cuople of days ago and he is apparently VERY angry with me, but didnt say why. My firned said he was lashing out and not to sink to his level. So I wont. Then we changed the subject.

And had brownies ^^.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Im going take a hot bath and watch cheesy movies tonight.

Dusk

(((Dusk)))

Thanks for your comment on my link. I stopped in to read yours since you were kind enough to take some time out for me.

Sorry to hear about your sitch. What your H is doing sounds very immature and irresponsible (which is the case for so many of us on this board). The very best think you can do for yourself is to give yourself all the rest and care that you need to get well. Health should always be number 1, but depending on what happens down the road, your health is so much more important. I think many of us in these sitches have a tendency at first to let ourselves go because we somehow feel responsible for what our H have done, but it IS NOT your fault. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be.

(((Hugs)))

Thx brownie ^^

Update...did I blow it? probably but enough is enough.

I got online after a hot bubble bath because i couldnt find a movie i could sit still thru. I chatted with a couple of friends for a bit. yes my H came up but nothing really bad or serious, just mentioned. Well I am also a gamer, and an MMORPG game i used to play with my H came up in conversation. So I decided to reactivate my acct and log into the game.

FLASHBACK: several times since i quit the game for health reasons in april, i have mentioned wanting to try playing again, my H always talked me out of it saying i didnt need the stress. Last time was end of june.

FASTFORWARD TO TODAY: I log into the game and my private messages go thru the roof, so many i cant keep up, telling me how sorry they are. Well my first reaction was..how did you know? I havent been on in months. So I start talking to my friends in game and tell them briefly what is going on. Still confused mind you on how they even knew anything. SO I log out for a bit and go to a chat program to talk to one of my very close friends from game who is also a therapist. She tells me the same thing you guys do, leave him alone. No problem. I log back into game. the a get another PM asking me if my H is on yet?...huh? he doesnt play. Well yes he does, and he changed his character name as well. he did WHAT??? ok , so now more friends are sendiung msgs. and they are definitely taking sides. Ok, well most of them are my age and that happens. So i start to play the game, then i realize many of my in-game assets are missing off my acct. So i call someone else who used to play and ask about my H acct. She has no idea, she will ask him. No problem. Well , then i find out that he changed the name long before he said his affair started. Hmmm really now. and why talk me out of playing the game. Well after a while of listening to all this and reading emails from various ppl over the months I decide to log back out. Enough is enough right? Wrong, its just starting. he went NUCLEAR becaue i 1:started the game back up and 2: didnt cover for him. o NOW he has me blocked again, has all our mutual friends blocked again. And i snapped. i sent him a txt saying that I was in game and seems our stories arent matching up, you play your game and i'll play mine. That prompts him to start deleting ppl off his profile. Well , one of our friends calls me crying because he was blaming HER for me finding out he played the game still. Oh no. We're not doing this. So i sent another txt tellig him to grow the (bad word) up and that she had NOTHING to do with it, and he can block me all he wants because he cant face me anyway and good luck. Then i told him who did tell me everything, yea let him think about that for a bit. >< Because he has NO CONTACT with the person that told me! NONE.

So did I handle this badly, yea probably. Do i care. No not really. this was really stupid. He gets mad because I start a game back up and expose him. Well < im not the least sorry for it. i didnt make this mess and Im not cleaning it up either. Im pretty sure he will go dark and thats fine because I have heard so many lies he told today im sick over it. I dont want to talk to him until he can man up a little. not much, just a little at first. if it takes him 6 months, so be it. Im not calling him. This drama today was so unnecessary. Over a GAME? Since when am I not allowed to play a game?

Anyway, i backslid much farther this time Im afraid. Probably take 4 times as long to come back from it, as far as communication goes. But he needs to know that I will NOT cover for him , and I will do what I want with my life whether he is in it or not.

Am I angry? Damn right I am. This was so stupid. Do I know if he will continue to play? I dont know. I didnt start it back up knowing he was playing. He was supposed to have quit when I did, but instead he changed his name? mhmm So for now, Im going to take care of myself, have fun, when I have the energy and live my life. if he contacts me, i'll consider answering. if he doesnt.....well I havent gotten that far yet. We'll cross that bridge later.

thanks for listening to me vent, feel free to tell me how i SHOULD have handled this. Going dark is my only option right now, Im too disgusted to talk to him.

Do I want a divorce...no...I want him to grow up! Being truthful would be a fantastic and new thing for him. What a way to end the day huh? its almost 4 am here, i was so angry i was crying and shaking. I decided to journal/update so i can get some rest.

Dusk

Edit: Thinking about it all, i was thinking , should I have sent the txts. Well, in my opinion, yes . Because it wasnt the txts that made him angry, it was me reactivating my game and telling ppl what really is going on. Does his gf play or someone else? No idea, nobody would dare tell me anyway, I might declare a war on them and kill them everytime they tried to play. its a game. Now what I really want to do is to send him a msgs telling him what a lying jerk he is, but you know what? As MUCH as he has lied to me...i know he;s lying to her as well. And eventually, it will come out. Im sure he;s worried his gf will find out fomr me or one of my friends, Well Im not talking to her, let her find out on her own.

Ok I know this is long, sry guys, and I dont think i used paragraphs. Well, i made an attempt at them.

(((Dusk)))

I think you did fine. You called him on his sh!t and I don't think it's a bad thing to set the record straight.

And why the hell does he think you should cover for him?? The truth hurts him? Too bad!!

Thx Kimmie...yet another update

I called my MIL and spoke to her about an hour. SHe is not in agreement with her son's actions of course, but he is still her son. She is also not in agreement with my actions, aka my backslides and told me they are upsetting my H and he doesnt want things to be this way but can't figure out how to fix it. I let her know what I did last night, and she was understanding and said it was expected for what not only I but me and my H are going thru. She wants him to work things out with me, but thinks he isnt ready to face it. We had a nice talk. I feel much better after talking to her, she said he still cared for me and was just scared to talk to me right now. She thanked me for calling and I thanked her for listening and ended the call. I do fell MUCH better. She isnt sure how or when my H will talk to me, and agreed that I am only half of this. She doesnt want to interfere too much but does want to let him know we spoke. I told her that was fine.

I am going to brunch now ^^ have a good day everyone.

Dusk

I had a wonderful brunch today with a couple of friends. We talked about nothing important and it was very nice. We made plans for tomorrow to have lunch

.

Then I was on my way here.....yes, it's official, he apparently hates my guts and never wants to speak to me again. Now. Im fairly certain he hasnt talked to his mom yet, and is still angry about what happened last night. This is fine. He can be angry. I was pretty angry myself. So for now, I'm not talking to him, and if he does decide to contact me then I will consider answering depending on what he has to say.

For the rest of the day, Im going to be lazy and watch movies, maybe go for a walk. I'm pretty sure I deserve it.

Dusk

Had a nice uneventful evening last night. Made some stir fry and laid on the couch and watched a couple of movies. A friend called to make sure I will be making it for lunch and shopping today, which of course i will.

Didn't go for a walk last night, but I did this morning. Was very relaxing and took my time, actually looked at stuff instead of just focusing on my own thoughts. Found a little garden at a house that was soooo cute, had little fairies stuck under some rose bushes and in lavender. Smelled so good. I wanted to go in, but I walked on. Saw 2 squirrels fighting over...something lol. Bunch of kids walking to school, a few runners and ppl on bikes. I think paying attention to my surroundings helped a lot. So now I'm off to shower and get ready for lunch and shopping spree. Have a great day guys.

Dusk

Hope you had a fun day PD, I have been reading through your sitch, such a lot to deal with (hugs) Glad to see you are starting to put one foot in front of the other slowly but surely. Your in the best place here now, you will make freinds and get good sound advice.. I love to watch the squirrels antics they are so funny, yet so cute at the same time!

Thx Lost! I DID have a great day yesterday! We went to lunch and then SHOPPING! YAY! I got the CUTEST little dress and took my time finding shoes and accessories. After a few hours playing dress up in the mall we decided we would all go out for drinks and dancing. So we went for pedi and mani, got my hair done and went home to get ready. We met up and went out. I had such a good time. Wore myself out but it was worth it. I of course didnt drink, would mmess with my meds, but I did dance a little. Not so much I am in pain today, but it felt so good to just get out and be the center of attn. :P I still wear my wedding ring so That kept most of the would be "lemme take you home" types at bay. The ones that were persistnt , my friends helped me keep their distance. Still, have to admit it helped my ego a bit. When I got home I took a nice long bubble bath and went to bed. Actually SLEPT for almost 5 hours. (yes, thats good for me lately) So today I have a therapy session and a dr's appt, then Im not sure. Probably clean my apt and take my little brat dog to get groomed. Everyone have a great day

Dusk

Oh, I also found out that this new gf is the second one. There was another that he was seeing since may. He met his new gf thru the old one. That caused a fight and neither my H nor his new gf now talk to the old one. I feel like Im back in high school some days.

I'm doing ok, one of you mentioned it had probably been going on a bit longer I think. Again, nothing I can do and I'm going to talk to my therapist about it today. I cried, but not for very loong. Mostly , Im just disgusted. I wasnt about to let him ruin my day yesterday. Oh, and my source was his mom. She sent me an email telling me how sorry she was. I didnt respond yet, I will later after I have gotten thru my appts today.

Hugs to all the other DBers out there. Do the lies just continue to unravel like this? Im staying detached. As best i can anyway.

Hey, Had a decent day yesterday and a great session. Dr appt went well as well. No drama in 24 hours yay!

My afternoon was spent cleaning. Everything that I could clean and/or sanitize I did so. Reorganized my closet, that will last all of a week Im sure. Listened to some music and made a couple of videos for youtube. Then took a short nap.

Got up and had another quiet evening. Took a long walk again last night, with my dog. Talked to a friend of mine out of state. Made myself some pasta and worked on a song that has been in my head. Slept very well last night.

Woke up this morning and realized I have no plans. Not sure what I will do after lunch. Not too worried about it though. I may go to the bookstore and browse. Always quiet and relaxing there.

Dusk

I decided not to respond to my MIL. I really didn't know what to say. I mean, "thank you"? SO i left it alone.

Mostly just living, cried a bit earlier, not much. Went out and got a new headlight for my car. A friend of mine is coming over later to change it out, then Im going out to the movies with some friends. Today was a pretty good day. I stayed busy anyway.

Yesterday was.... long. I made it thru without too many moments of sadness , had a few of anger, but I didnt let it get to me.

Tomorrow I'm taking my dog to get groomed...again..she found some mud by the sprinklers. I have decided to get some flower pots and Im going to put some color on my balcony. My mom would have suggested it weeks ago, but I just thought of it.

Have a great weekend

Dusk

hey everyone. Had a good couple of days. Nothing new really EXCEPT my H unblocked me on profile. Nothing yet from him. I was surprised to see that tho. I still have nothing to say to him. I guess if he DOES contact me, I will post here before i act on it.

There has been a LOT of harassing drama about us tho. Some girl keeps contacting me telling me all kinds of stuff that just DOESNT help. I have blocked them at everyturn. Been quiet last couple of days tho. Not sure who it is nor do i really care. She hasnt told me anything I dont already know. I just dont think this kind of thing is going to help.

My health has been improving teeny bit by teeny bit. I have been taking walks and that helps. not just mentally but physically too. I feel a little stronger everyday.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Dusk

I wake up this morning to do my morning routine, make tea, check email etc. Log into my profile and see a couple of messages. ONE of them is from my H!!!!!!

ok here's what he said; "Hey just wanted to see how everything is going with you. Hope everything is doing ok and your recovering."

I know he's aware that I have been under stress and trying to get well. Ok so, let me tell you what I felt when i saw this , then you guy give me your opinion on how i SHOULD handle this. At first I was in disbelief that he contacted me. Then i was worried about reading it, then i read it. then i thought, my tea will get cold if i answer you right now and i hate cold tea. (i know i was being petulant) now, im not so sure. I VERY happy he asked about me. SO come on guys i need some feedback on this one. BADLY , do i respond? how do i resoend? do i wait? I was thinkiing ..wait. but then i wondered why.

I was thinking that I should keep it as short as he did. And just respond, Im fine Thank you for asking. then i thought, well, maybe thats too short :P last thing i want is for him to think im jumping up and down like a puppy. well o k, i WAS excited to see a msg form him. But i dont want HIM to know that!!!!!

Another thing, do I tell him about the harassing msgs ive been getting? Or should I just leave that alone? And he asked about my health....I dont want to lie to him, I am improving little by little, but I still have a long way to go. Im so afraid to say the wrong thing, or give too much or too little. I dont want to push him back because him contacting me is a pretty big step.

I have been playing my online game a little. Not like I used to , i am staying busy, but I removed him from all my characters a few days ago so I cant see when he is playing and he cant see me. I also took him off my msn, its connected to my gaming and can be seen when i log into game. Hard for him to know what Im doing right now I guess. Everything else I left as is. I have plans for lunch today and will be back this afternoon.

Oh another thing, I checked the timezones , he sent that msg at around 3:30 am his time. Cant help but be curious as to why he was up and sent a msg at that time of the night. Yea, im sure i should just leave that alone too.

thank guys,
Dusk

The general rule that I see tossed around is 24 hours.
I think you're response is perfect: "I'm fine, thanks for asking." If that's dishonest, then say, "I'm improving daily, thanks for asking."

Say nothing else. I'm a 3-year veteran of WAW, affair, the whole 9 yards. When someone is in the 'fog', there is very little you can say or do - it is agony to release, but you have to put your focus on things you can control.

I think it's awesome that you got out and did something fun - keep this up! I know that if you feel like I did, you feel like you "failed" somehow, but the truth will eventually come out.

I'm all for establishing boundaries, but my suggestion is to only take actions that you won't look back and regret - i.e., the screaming phone calls, nasty texts. They may get something off your chest in the moment, but they rarely solve or fix anything.

Thx jon, yea sometimes I do feel like i failed him somehow. Sometimes, i dont.
I had a great lunch . I didnt eat much, my appetite isnt what it should be, but I did eat and bought myself some flowers. They are sitting on the table and really cheered me up.

24 hours sounds good, but my 24 hours not his, I didnt get it as soon as he sent it after all. I'll wait and respond until morning or whenever i log in. Part of me wants to respond right away....part of me isnt sure I should at all. He has me pretty confused i guess.

I have to be careful how i answer the health issue. If i lie to him, he can throw that in my face later. He hasnt dropped me off ins and I dont want him to think he can. I am getting a little stronger...but some of my test results arent back yet so, I really dont know yet. I "FEEL" better some days. So I'll answer as generically as possible on that one. Im not dead. Can i just say that? lol

Im glad i posted here b4 doing anything, i did mention to my friend at lunch i had heard from him. her advice was to write him a book and tell him off. I WON'T be taking THAT advice!

I tried to read up on as many sitchs as i could, i'll post later when everyone here leaves. Im enjoying my company.

Thx again guys,
Dusk

After agonizing over how to respond to my h. I finally just replied. "Im fine, ty for asking". then i logged back out.

SO I guess now I continue on. He's been logging into old accounts and forums we had the past day or so. I didn't get in game last night I was busy and then had a headache.

Something knocked over one of my new flowerpots on my balcony so im about to clean that up. Im hurting too much to walk today so I will take it easy. Maybe something ill come up.

Dusk

Ongoing.....I got my plants situated, and went to pick up some groceries. Went by the dr office because im really fatigued , my iron is low so they are worried about that. otherwise im doing ok i guess.

Saw a new msg from h, he sent it within an hour of me responding this morning...his msg was

"Thats good to hear. No more problems right?"

Now Im not sure what he is referrring to, my medical condition or the harassment i have been getting. He doesnt really specify. According to a mutual friend he and his first gf are also getting some weird emails and stuff. I have blocked everything i can , once in a while i get something but have been ignoring it. I dont need the added stress.

I havent responded because im not really sure what he is asking about. Suggestions are WELCOME on this one. I dont think giving him too much info is a good idea, but...im not going to lie to him either.

If he;s asking about the harassing msgs, how much do i tell him? Some of them ....are pretty bad..and upset me a lot. Others just seemed petty. If he's asking about my health, I dont mind telling him, but how much? My condition has improved slightly but, Im still in pretty bad shape tbh. the added stress from all this hasn;t helped,. altho i have been doing a lot better with it. I got weighed today. I managed to gain 1 lb 7 oz

. yes , this is a good thing .lol

DO i continue the 24 hour response times? Longer? shorter? I dont feel any immediate urgency in responding, but i have to admit, him opening up even a limited communication has given me a bit of hope. Regardless of his motivations. Its a step in the right direction. I know I have to be very careful. Thanks in advance for any help or comments. I am going to take a nap right now. Getting out kinda made me tired. Some days are better than others physically.

Dusk

i give up. I responded , he was online i guess, and he didnt say what he wanted to know so i told him about both. My health and the harassment. must have come across wrong because he blocked me again. said all he cared about was my health and he was sorry he asked and would leave me alone. I GIVE UP> I cant do this, i cant i cant i cant. It doesnt matter what the hell i do, its wrong. I cant take anymore and wish it was just over so i could not worry about it anymore. i cant do anything right. now once again i pushed him away because i dont [censored] understanmd wth im supposed to be doing. Obviously im getting a divorce at some point because im too dam stupid to keep my own husband talking to me muych less married to me.

.....rollercoaster ride. What is he DOING??? He unblocked me, sent a very calm message stating he was sorry about the harassment and knows who it is and they will pay for causing me so much stress. Said if he asks about me then it shows he does still care and he didnt want to hear that I had passed away and the last thing between us be a hateful mesg. Then he goes on to say he would like to remain friends but we will take our time with that , then tells me to say hi anytime.......

I need some time to sort this out.

Is he trying to make me crazy? Because its kinda working. My head hurts from all this. my heart aches because i feel so helpless. I didnt respond back , im not going to. I dont think what he said needs any answer from me. I need to just ...not talk to him a little longer i guess. Im trying to find the positive side of all this and coming up empty.

Im not having a good night

Dusk

You just discovered part of the point of no contact. Yes, it's tough at first, but do you really want to live in a rollercoaster? Head hurting? Heart aching? Trying to glean any nugget of positiveness from every statement?

thx for the answer jon, and no i dont. im better today. He sent me another msg which i didnt answer. Just telling me he was worried and to take care of myself. Also let me know he was leaving for the weekend and hoped I had a good weekend. SO weird. I am feeling better today. My response to him was very neutral, so im not sure why he blocked then unblocked me. then changed his tune.

I went out this morning with a friend. I was going to go to lunch but was pretty tired from last night. Letting go is so hard, I thought i was doing pretty well, but I can see that im not near as detached as I need to be to get thru all this. I have to admit i felt better after reading his msg this morning. Whether or not he really cares...i dunno. he has NOT mentioned divorce again. SO, of course Im not about to.

Cheaters lie. I keep seeing this repeated on so many threads. DO they lie to the OWs too? Or are they honest with them and just lie to us? Im trying not to blame myself for all this.

One thing i DID imply in my response yesterday to him was that I dont need him and was doing fine without him. Ok, so maybe i did lie a little. Im NOT fine some days without him. But i wasnt needy or pursuing, my friend thinks it was the mention of the emails i had gotten that made him react the way he did. his response that he knew who it was and promised me it would be taken care of relieves a little of my stress. Im a bit tired of her. He didnt say he and his first OW were still getting emails from her but mutual friends say he has been complaining about it a lot.

He also mentioned the conv i had with his mom. He said he wasnt happy about it but understood and wasnt mad at either of us. I guess for now I will let things lie and see what he does. My gut tells me he is in his mind anyway, done with me and happy with the girl he is with. I really need to work on not pushing him away now.

Dusk

had a much better day today so far. Left early this morning and stayed busy all day until i got home this afternoon. Several msgs from friends wanting to get out, so im going to see whats going on and spend the weekend with friends. Try to anyway, Im still getting tired quickly. Today has pretty much wiped me out.

Had a long talk with a friend of mine about my h today. She is a therapist , not mine, but a good friend. She told me to let him go and he's just a memory. She told me he doesnt have the maturity to get past and/or work anything out and that with the distance and time we've been apart by that, there isnt much hope. I argued a bit, then she told me I was still very young and had time to find someone that will treat me better that I can be happy with. I know she cares about me and hates to see me get torn up over him. The conversation left me unhappy tho.

Dusk

(((Dusk)))

I just got caught up on your thread...I've been gone for a while. It sounds like your health has improved, even if only a little bit, which is good news.

Your H is acting like an immature SOB. It's so hard to know what he is really thinking. They live in their own little fantasy world which consists of denial and rationalization. We can't make sense of it because it doesn't make sense...it's not REAL!

IMO you've been handling things quite well. You may want to be a little more distant, more detached. It sounds to me like he still wants some kind of connection to you but I think it may only be to make himself feel better. You are in no way obligated to make him feel better about anything. I'm not saying you are but by responding to him and saying things like "I'm fine, ty" relieves him of some guilt (at least I think it does). Next time take longer to respond, if at all. Let him sweat or at the very least, wonder a little.

Continue to take care of yourself and keep busy. Although it may not seem like it, you've come a long way.

hey ashlee

You're right, i think it does relieve him of some guilt. I woke up this morning VERY angry and resentful of everything he has put me thru., Thankfully he is out of town with his OW ( did i really say that?) So I cant really call him out on anything. Yes I am PISSED this morning. I feel used, betrayed, disrespected and abused. He "just wanted to make sure my health wasn't any worse" thats it? He doesnt care about what he is doing to me or how I feel? Who IS this man? yea ok, i should be thankful he cares about anything.....so why arent I? He wants to remain friends if I want to, and knows how hard it is to get close to me, esp with everything thats happened? Umm You think? He keeps putting it back on me, if I dont want to be friends he is relieved of guilt? Is that it? bastard. Yea im trashing him. I DONT CARE. He tried to fake his death, didnt contact me for weeks as I got sicker and relapsed from worrying about him, then acted like an ass. CHEATED on me, not with just one but 2 confirmed PA's and who knows how many EA's ( yea i finally read thru the abbreviations) now wants to be friends....why? so if I dont make it he can feel he did everything he could? what an ass. Im trying so hard not to hate him right now and I think Im losing that battle. I want to slap him. and yell and scream and tell him EXACTLY what I think of him. which atm isnt much >< My cat wont come out from under the bed Im so angry. \

Im just........Mad as hell today

Dusk

(((((Dusk)))))

It is perfectly fine to be mad. I don't believe we have to repress our feelings, just deal with them in a mature way. It is good to let yourself feel what you feel and be honest with yourself about it.

My only advice is not to take any actions when you are feeling like this. I think most of us regret things we have said and done when we are angry. I know I have anyway.

Let yourself get through these emotions. You have nobody to answer to but yourself. I am finally figuring this out.

Just take care of yourself and don't let yourself stay in this place for too long.

BIM

thx browni...

I went out last night with some friends. Nothing major, just went for food, then went downtown to goof off for a while. I wasnt in any mood for a club. I had a good time. Had a guy give me his cell # and ask me to txt him sometime. I must have had a very odd look on my face , then told him I was married. THEN one of my dam friends said, yea but not HAPPILY and he's out of the country with someone else. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I calmly pointed out that my marriage wasnt up for public scrutiny. The guy said if I ever needed someone to talk to that wasnt biased to let him know. I thanked him and walked away. I had so many different emotions going thru my head at that point I was spinning for a bit. I have no intention of EVER calling the guy and thru his number out the car window. Then i realized, guys will say just about anything to get with a girl. Then I thought, why is my h the only one allowed to have someone to be with while I am alone. Then realized, its because he's selfish and immature. So then i wondered, why cant i have someone unbiased to talk to? Then realized, because thats NOT what this guy wants ands its highly inappropriate and setting myself up for more problems. Anyway, I went thru this whole line of thinking in about 3 min, then pushed it out of my mind. We all went to coffee (I had tea) and later i went home. Started watching a movie and fell asleep on the couch about 5 min into it, lol.

I feel ok today. Very tired, and paying for walking so much last night. Im sore sore sore. Still had a good time and glad I got out.

As for my anger yesterday... I ended up throwing a glass against the wall. Im not strong enough to break it. Sad huh. But I felt better and went on with my day.

Thx for the support guys, some days its all that gets me thru.

Dusk

I had a very quiet peaceful day yesterday. Nice change huh?

I have testing today, not looking forward to any of that. I get so tired of them. Hopefully they will have SOME kind of news for me. At this point not knowing is more stressful than knowing something is bad wrong.

Update on h....no contact, didnt expect it and Im not too bothered by it. A mutual friend of ours sent me a link where my h had dedicated a song to ...someone...our friend thinks its me...who knows. I listened to it....figured well, no sense getting worked up over it right? Im doing ok today. kinda......calm actually. lol other than being nervous about the blood tests today.

Hope everyone has a great day. hugs to all of you

Dusk

Hi Dusk,
I have been reading your thread & just want to offer my support. You have been through so much. It's good you came here to help get your anger out. Brownie gave you good advice though, I hope you work past the anger. Good advice I got was, stop looking for logic & reason with the WAS. It is really hard to detach, & I am not there yet either, but wanted to give you this link I saw somewhere on this board a while ago - can't remember who posted it but thank you whoever it was!
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I read it over & over, it really helps. Please try to stay healthy & take care of yourself, & focus as much as you can on you & not on your H, easier said than done I know! Wishing you peace & health,
LFA

Thanks for the link LFA and the support. Got yet another email from another acct with pics of my H and his new gf. Im still not sure who is sending the emails. Ive tried tracing the IP but they seem to be sending them from a cell phone. Have to admit it made me cringe inside, I deleted the email and made some tea. Nothing I can do about it, I am in the process of changing over to a temp email for now until this stops. \

No contact from him, but he checked my music profile again. I noted it and uploaded my song. Didn't seem to bother as quite as much.

Now for the biggie...Im going in for a spinal tap next week. I barely managed the last one, it hurt so bad and triggered a migraine that i thought would kill me before anything else did. I havent told my friends here about it yet. I dont want to go in alone, but feel like a baby asking anyone. My H "stayed" with me thru the last one. By txts and cell but it was a huge help emotionally. I still had a hard time with it. Now I have to do it again and ...Im scared. I have a therapy session tomorrow , so I will prob talk about that more than anything. Too much to put into words for some reason....Im going to work on some music right now. That helps me more than anything sometimes.

Dusk

Couldnt sleep . Been listening to music and goofing off online. I logged into my game for about an hour or so last night. I was on about 5 min before i was told my H had logged in too. I told them ok and went on. We havent been playing the same hours so I have to admit I was surprised to hear that.

Went to my music profile to see if any critiques had posted yet. A couple had, so i will work on that tomorrow. I noticed my H had been there again. For some reason, it made me laugh. I think I must be losing it. I thought it was so dam funny he had checked it again. I havent seen his in a few days. Not like I can change his profile and make him not see her anymore. I did find out that the song was in fact intended for me. Im not going to respond or even mention that I heard it. Interpretation is so personal, what I hear and feel may not be what he hears and feels. So im leaving it alone. Was an interesting choice tho. Any of you ever just wanna take a 2X4 and whack them upside the head and go...LOOK! lol

I had a heart to heart with a friend of mine. She is going to go in with me when I have the test done. I felt like such a whiner , but she was understanding and said there was no way she would let me go thru it alone. Im relieved. I have a therapy session this morning, hopefully it will go well.

Dusk

Hi Dusk,
I am glad your friend is going with you. You should not go alone for that procedure! I am supposed to have outpatient surgery in Oct. & need to have someone w me to drive me there & back. For the past 12 yrs., it would have been H. I asked the dr., can I just walk? (office is close to my house). They said no. So I have to find someone to take me, during the work week. You are not being a baby, it's OK to ask for help. Take care Dusk & hope it all goes better this time.

still feel like a big baby tho.

Had a "decent" therapy session. Spent most of it crying. Not sure i got my moneys worth , but other than a little headache and sore eyes I felt better.

I spent the rest of my day working on my music and making the changes I wanted to. Uploaded the revised piece, and low and behold, H checked my page 3 times tonight. No word from him tho. Im not going to bother blocking him , it doesnt bother me to see it now. Hopefully that will last :P. He also hasnt blocked me back on FB. I am going to take this as a baby step and wait until he contacts. Im too stressed about my test and busy anyway. I DO care, its just... I dunno, ..he knows how to reach me.

In other news...a very good friend of mine is coming into town this sat to visit. So Im excited about that ^^

Dusk

Had a decent day today. NOthing really going on, H checked my profile again. I rolled my eyes, but did note it. Got some very good critiques on my piece. SO im very pleased.

Went and did some shopping therapy. Just picked up a few things and a new sweater. Yea, its sexy, I know he isnt here but I really liked it and who knows.

Nothing going on tonight. Gonna be lazy and watch some cheesy movies.

Dusk

Hey Dusk! I've been laying low for a week or so just trying to GAL. I'm reading one of Michelle's other books- How to Change your Life and Everyone in it.- So far, it is great. I am letting things roll of my back right now.

But to you... I am glad your friend is going with you. You will be in my prayers. You sound pretty good, btw. Take care.

BIM

I am doing a little better emotionally. Actually got some sleep last night .yay!

Ok, here's my new problem......

A couple of the songs I uploaded for critique were based on my feelings and thought s of what I have been going thru. Do I feel the same way now? Sometimes, but the point is, Im a musician/song writer and I write what I feel and experience. My H has been checking my songs out I guess, and he is , according to a mutual friend, upset and thinks I now hate him. I know what song he listened to and yea more than one person beleives it is about a person not an action. I dont feel the need to explain myself nor do I think it would matter. Like Ive said b4, interpretation is personal. My biggest concern is how this will affect progress in my sitch with my H. I cant stop him from listening to my music, and Im sure as hell not going to stop writing. I know im not supposed to talk to HIM about my feelings or pursue and lately Ive been doing very well and not contacting him at all, nor am I looking at his profile. AM I supposed to not work and create music? Just so he doesn't get upset? I think that's bullshyt. I had one suggestion to only write happy music. Well , here's a news flash, I WASNT happy when I wrote the song. I fully intend to record it on my next demo. Its a good song!!!

SO , here's my question..... do i ignore this and go about my business like I normally would? I don't worry about how ppl interpret my music. normally. I really feel like this isnt my problem, I wouldnt care if it was someone else. Im just not wanting to lose any ground with my H. I didnt ask him to check it out or listen to it, and he is obviously not going to ask me about it. Not right now anyway. If this pushed him away, that bothers me, but I cant do anything about it. Im truly afraid that if I put any kind of explaination up on the meaning of the lyrics , that it will do more damage. The action was still by HIM. /sigh Im not upset over this, Im not crying, Im perplexed. Any input will be helpful.

Wow, i just had another inspiration about being nothing but a statistic. ... off to the keyboard i go....

Dusk

Well hell. Had a short and sweet convo with H. He said hi, I said hi, he asked me how I was feeling, I told him better. End of conversation. He knew I was online after checking my profile several times this afternoon. It was upbeat and short. Then I logged out. Now Im gonna go out and do something i think. No sense sitting around on fri night. i was going to, but now I think getting out is a better idea.

Dusk

UPDATE: This jerk...seriously. I got a txt which i wont respond to even if i am dying, telling me that he had to rush to protect his OW because some guy tried to sexually harass her. Why do I want to know this? He also hopes I keep improving. Sometimes, I just ...dont know. Im changing and dressing to the nines. Called my friends up and told them to wait up i was coming with.

Dusk.....who is NOT gonna let this ruin her night!

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

AM I supposed to not work and create music? Just so he doesn't get upset?

SO , here's my question..... do i ignore this and go about my business like I normally would? Im truly afraid that if I put any kind of explaination up on the meaning of the lyrics , that it will do more damage. The action was still by HIM. /sigh Im not upset over this, Im not crying, Im perplexed. Any input will be helpful.

Dusk-

Do not stop working. It's his choice to listen to it and he can interpret it as he likes. You don't need to offer any explanation. NONE.

Regarding the text/phone call you received regarding H and OW. Do you know who is sending this stuff? Can you block them? What about changing your number? I think it's screwed up...either someone is trying to hurt you or they think you need to "know" and think they are helping. Either way it's not good for you.

Hope you have a good night out...you deserve it.

Originally Posted By: Ashlee

Regarding the text/phone call you received regarding H and OW. Do you know who is sending this stuff? Can you block them? What about changing your number? I think it's screwed up...either someone is trying to hurt you or they think you need to "know" and think they are helping. Either way it's not good for you.

Dusk -

I didn't realize it was your H who texted you about coming to OW's 'rescue'. That's severely screwed up. Sounds like he just wants to get a rise out of you. I'm glad you didn't respond. He's just being an A-hole.

Hey Ash

Yes I had a blast last night and am so glad i got out. I feel ...happy today . Went out to a club and just had fun. Talked to everyone I saw, cracked jokes and gave my friends a hard time whenever possible.

Yes, it was my H that sent the TXT. He is still checking up on me it seems. Im ignoring it. Unlike him , I have nothing to hide, and if he doesnt like what he reads or hears, then its on him not me.

Going to take it easy today, and goof off. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. lol

Dusk

Hi Dusk,
You sound so much better! Well for what's it worth here's my 2 cents - no, I don't think you should edit yourself because H might look at what you write! If it upsets him he shouldn't upload it. You sound like you've answered your own question, you are not going to stop writing music. If there's something you write that is about him or you don't want him to access, it there another way to record/get it critiqued than putting it online? I don't know much about how you do this so I'm not sure what you can do instead. But think about how important it is to YOU that he not read/hear it. You want to take care of yourself. If it's really upsetting you, is there an alternative to posting it online? Just a thought.
Hope you keep doing well, & stay strong.
LFA

Hi LFA

I stopped uploading on youtube for that reason, and have limited my uploads to my musicians site that is for that purpose. It doesnt upset me at all that he is listening and/or reading my lyrics. I was just concerned on how this would affect my sitch with him. He is still checking my profile several times a day. 9 yesterday and 7 so far today. Seems a little excessive if you ask me. I am trying not to speculate. I cant make any sense of what he's about right now.

I have been SOOOO lazy today. It was great

My friend is here and we have just been talking and cooking all day. She only met my h once and has thankfully not brought him up but once. Im beat from last night so we are just gonna hang out here at the apt and watch movies and eat. Tomorrow, probably shopping! Then she has to head back. SO far my weekend is going well .

Dusk

Thought I would check in, my weekend went great. Today was kinda , bleh i guess, just was feeling out of sorts over my test tomorrow. My friend is picking me up. im so nervous and have a lot of anxiety about it.

My h is...my h i guess. Nothing changed, he went to my profile no less then 27 times over the weekend. like I said, excessive. But no contact, my sometimes wannabe drummer said he was prob thinking about me but didnt want to say hi. Maybe, i dunno. No idea about today. I wasnt in the mood to work on my music or try to critique anyone elses. ...Like i said, just bleh today.

I didnt even walk my dog, I asked a neighbor to. Im sure i will be fine, just such a bad experience the last time i had this done.

Dusk

My prayers are with you, Dusk.

BIM

Me too, thinking of you today & hope it goes better. Let us know when you can.

Yeah your H sounds pretty obsessive. I have heard again & again on this board not to try & figure out what WAS is thinking. He may not even know himself. ((((Dusk))))

((Dusk))

How are you? Let us know when you get a chance!

TY BIM and LFA, I am...coping. I can sorta "function" today. The test was just as painful as i remembered. Even with all the caffein i took in the day before it was pretty brutal. I went in to ER thurs evening and they did a blood patch. Im better now, just weak. My H never even called. I had a lot of support tho from my friends. Im going to go back and lay down, just wanted to let you guys know I was "ok".

Dusk

((ashlee)) i tried to look in on all ur sitchs but just cant right now. I'll look in on you guys in a couple of days.

Dusk

((Dusk)) It was good to hear from you. Hang in there. You've come such a long way already.

...Im doing ok, no word from h. Dont think i will for a while tho. He still checks my music daily but i havent been in any shape to really work on anything. Right now Im just following dr's orders and trying to work thru my medical stuff. My marriage and h are on the back burner right now. I never thought i would do that, but i really need to take care of myself and work thru this. When Im feeling better and gain some strength I will take another look at where me and h are and go from there. I miss him, but it's not painful anymore.

I cant really GAL right now, i just cant do much atm. I watch movies when Im awake and listen to music, talk to my friends. I cant really get around or get out. Gives me way too much time to think, when Im lucid anyway. Sometimes I just physically hurt so much I cant think at all. So I sleep. Not sure this was the way i wanted help in detaching, but thats how it goes sometimes I suppose.

I havent cried about him since last wed. I was expecting some word from him i guess. When I realized he prob wasnt going to call me, for whatever reason he has, I stopped crying. I cant worry about him, or his reasons, I certainly cant depend on him. So I will get myself thru this alone, and with the support that has been offered. Once Im stronger, I will see what I want to do. I still want my H back. I just cant put any effort into it right now. All my energy is spent on my own health.

I wondered if that was selfish of me, to put our sitch aside like this. I have a choice i know, I am choosing to take care of myself. Im in enough pain without causing myself more by expecting anything from him and being continuously disappointed. Right now, my health literally depends on it. Funny how things can change your perspective in such a short time, and open your eyes to what you were really thinking and doing, even on a subconscious level.

Letting go was so hard ... then my health went south and I HAD to let go. Im sure a lot of ppl here may not understand that. I love my H. As much now as I ever did. I just cant risk my health over him anymore.

Im just rambling I know, sry if its a hard read. Just a lot of thought in my head, trying to get them down and in any kind of order is a bit difficult for me right now. I will get better.

Im staying dark, if he contacts, then fine, but I cant hurt myself anymore by expecting some acknowledgment from him. Thats seems to be a common theme. We say we are going dark but want so much for our S to see that and instantly come running back. When they dont, we get hurt, and handle that pain in whatever way each of us does. If it builds up, then we backslide, again, hurting ourselves. They wont contact until they are ready, not when we are ready. I dont think he is thinking about me, or worried about me, he is distracted by OW. Im sure guilt plays a part in it on his side, but thats not my problem. I know I was very dependent on him for support thru my health issues. I believe that may have helped pushed him away. Im not excusing what he has done, because he really screwed up, but I can see how my own dependence may have scared him. Having a healthy OW is a lot easier than a sick wife. Wow. sry i laughed for some reason at that.

There IS progress in my sitch, i know this, he does check my music profile daily when he wasnt before. I take it for what it is and then dismiss it now. I have a dr appt this afternoon and will look in on you guys later today.

Thanks to everyone here for the support you have given me.

Dusk

I am feeling a lot better. Actually managed to walk into the kitchen without feeling like my back and legs were being tortured. Had a moment last night when I thought of my H. Was bittersweet, esp since I know he went to see OW, thx to a friend who thought I needed to know. I am dealing with it. I miss him, or at least I miss the H i married, not the one I am married to atm.

I have several friends who come and check on me, and they are rotating who stays with me so Im not here alone at night. Mostly in case I have a bad spell and need medical attn. So far I seem to be doing ok tho.

I looked in on my site, have some great critiques and one person that seems to just hate my music no matter what I write. He/she is my troll and I was wondering when it would rear his/her ugly head. lol.

My h has checked in several times it looks like, but it had tapered off end of this week. Who knows. He didnt say anything, and I know he knows I was in for testing last week. One thing i have learned, is not to ask questions Im not prepared to hear the answer to. Right now he is in love with OW and I am a burden. Lovely huh?

My mp3 player got lost somewhere. Yes this is a crisis situation!!!! =) I have ordered another one. I sent ppl all over the place trying to find it. Yes i cried like a little girl. Thankfully I have my music backed up all over the place.

Im trying to look in on as many of you guys as I can before I get worn out. My stamina is just gone.

Dusk

Hi Dusk,
Hope you are feeling better, sounds like a slow recovery. I hope your pain lessens soon. You are right to take it easy & put your health before H & the M.
[quote=PainfulDusk
Im staying dark, if he contacts, then fine, but I cant hurt myself anymore by expecting some acknowledgment from him. Thats seems to be a common theme. We say we are going dark but want so much for our S to see that and instantly come running back. When they dont, we get hurt, and handle that pain in whatever way each of us does. If it builds up, then we backslide, again, hurting ourselves. They wont contact until they are ready, not when we are ready. I dont think he is thinking about me, or worried about me, he is distracted by OW. Im sure guilt plays a part in it on his side, but thats not my problem. I know I was very dependent on him for support thru my health issues. I believe that may have helped pushed him away. Im not excusing what he has done, because he really screwed up, but I can see how my own dependence may have scared him. Having a healthy OW is a lot easier than a sick wife. Wow. sry i laughed for some reason at that.

[/quote]
I can really relate. What you have written here is pretty much exactly how I'm feeling. At this point its going on a month since any contact from H. No emails, nothing. I'm OK (am on ADs & I think that helps alot!) but also am sad. Last week I found charges on our credit card & checking acct. that indicate he has moved, & I believe he's moved in w OW. So I keep on w no contact, & am going about doing my L paper work, looking into getting own checking acct., separating our cell phone plan etc. etc. I do not expect contact but when it gets me down I come here & look at how others are coping w this. I agree, our Hs are not thinking about us. It's weird, like he's dead or something. Just totally cut himself out of my life. I too have thought alot about things I have done wrong, or wish I did differently. It's really hard sometimes.
Please keep taking care of yourself, I'm pulling for you! Hope you have a good weekend!
LFA

Dusk- I had no idea that you were dealing with health issues on top of this crapola. I hope you are feeling better today. I am thinking of you.

Things have gotten better for me. Im feeling MUCH better and am able to get around again. Im even going out for lunch today. Its going to be slow, but in time I will be able to get around more. Im taking it a little at a time. Lunch today, then maybe in a couple of days, I will get out again. Short little jaunts for a while tho. Im so happy to be able to get out a little today and do something =).

No contact in 19 days from H. I havent contacted either. He was with OW over the weekend I know, but seems to have stopped reading my music. Checked once yesterday, altho I havent done much because of my health. Is this a backslide?

I didnt realize it had been almost 3 weeks until one of my friends asked me if he had called me yet. I'll admit I had a pang of heartache for a minute. He seems so....gone now. Cut me out of his life completely. In a small fit of .... anger? jealousy? disgust? ...not sure, I almost blocked him on FB. I didnt, we arent on friend lists now and havent been for quite some time. Hard when it pulls up as a suggestion because of mutual friend. *sigh* Well it doesnt happen THAT often, but his profile pic is of them both. (grrrr)

In the meantime , Im working on getting my health up. I really am doing a lot better.....Been having a lot of nightmares about my H getting hurt. Is this normal? Hard enough to get rest without that.

Dusk

Quote:

Been having a lot of nightmares about my H getting hurt. Is this normal?

That depends. Is it you doing the hurting?

Originally Posted By: LuLu

[quote]

That depends. Is it you doing the hurting?

No, but in one, I didn't offer to help him out of a burning car...which is completely out of character for me. I would help anyone. I woke up in a cold sweat and crying. Others are short, but ...he breaks his leg, or something like that. Ok , zombies got him once but I had watched a horror flick for some reason b4 i went to bed. Anyway. they are really messing up my sleep.

Today has been fairly good, I went to lunch with a close friend of mine and while I was extremely sore and tired when i got back, I was in a great mood.

I have a dr appt in the morning to go over some of my test results....Im a little nervous. Trying not to dwell on it tho.

Had one moment today when I missed my H. I was transfering files onto my new MP3 player (yes it came in finally) and saw a pic of him. God I wanted to cry. I just skipped over it and did something else for a minute, then went back to loading my stuff.

I did chat with a friend of mine who told me I shuld just tell him "hi" and see what happens. that kinda goes against the LRT tho, so Im not going to. Plus. honestly, I dont think it will make me feel any better. I can fantasize that it will, but really. i know it wont. Not right now anyway.

Dusk

Ive been so depressed since yesterday. I went to see my dr and find out about test results and options etc. I am.....so scared I can hardly breathe. They found 1 lesion, not a def MS dx but... Im having a hard time coping. He wants me to go to counseling and join a support group to help me through this. I am going to follow his advice. Im not really sure how that will go, sometimes support grps can be so...negative...not always I know, but sometimes. I have someone staying with me for now. She is talking about moving in to my spare room, Im undecided. Im going to go over pros and cons and think about it over the weekend. Thankfully my ins is set, because NOW it will be almost impossible to get another policy without a exclusion. Im still covered under H's policy but i made his secondary before all the testing stuff started up. I cant remember who suggested that but ty. Financially, Im doing fine so far. As fine as can be in the economy.

I considered contacting my h and letting him know, but I dont think it will help and frankly, other than the ins thing which the hosp will file, there's really no "need". I guess I just want to talk to him. *sigh* I will stop looking for excuses to send him a txt or msg. I know its not helping me at all.

Im really trying to get myself cheered up. Just so hard right now.

Dusk

and no, he hasnt contacted or asked about me as far as I know. Im trying not to think about that. again, kinda hard right now.

Dusk,
I'm sorry you are upset. Can you tell us what the diagnosis means? Unless it's too upsetting - then don't. Are you seeing a C individually? Maybe that would be better than grp counseling now. And if so I'd call her & tell her you need an appt. ASAP. Maybe think about trying the grp thing & see how it goes.

IMO, I don't think you should contact H. I'm thinking of you & if he a negative or no reply I'm afraid you'll feel worse. you just don't need that right now. Try really hard to think of what will make you feel better right now. It's good you have a friend staying w you. Can you call other friends just to talk/vent? Do you have any family you can call to talk about this? Can you do something not too strenuous to treat yourself, see a movie, get a massage, soak in the tub, read gossip mags or whatever you like to do? By all means journal your heart out here, this is a safe space & we all care about you. You are in my thougths & prayers. (((((Dusk))))))

Im not having a good day at all. I started out ok i guess, a little irritable but otherwise ok. Then i got a msg from someone, not sure who asking me if i knew what my h was up to and that he wasnt just with 1 OW this weekend but had a "few" at his apt. After i threw up at the thought of it i just was filled with such a loathing i could barely see. I showed it to my friend who is staying here and she said it was all bunk and to ignore it. It was a txt sent from online, so no number came up just a website. I am chnging my cell first thing in the morning. I cant handle anymore of this kind of thing right now.

Health wise Im ok i guess. I have an appt at 8 with a C. Mostly this weekend I have been laying around watching movies. Not very productive I know, but I really didnt feel like even washing so much as a cup. My right leg is giving me trouble again, not too bad but I notice my control is a little shaky.

I HAVE decided to let my friend move in for now. SO she will be putting her things in storage and moving into my spare room over the next week. I really think having someone here is just good sense for now. I have a nurse that comes 3x's a week but at night, I like knowing someone is here in case.

Dusk

((((Dusk))))
Absolutely, change your cell number. Who knows why someone would do something like that? I am sorry you had to be subjected to such garbage. Glad you have a friend there. You are doing great even though you may not feel like it. Please hang in there & keep taking care of yourself.

checking in and journaling a bit i guess. Thx LFA. <3

I had a decent session with my C. Mostly I just ranted, once in a while she got a word in, but mostly I just ranted.

I feel a little better physically. I did get out yesterday for about an hour before I was just wiped. Mostly I have been having a hard time focusing. Not sure if its fatigue or what. i called my dr about it and have an appt in the morning.

Been trying VERY hard not to think about my h too much. Nobody hears from him anymore and he hasnt looked at my music, altho I havent been working on it either. Just havent had the desire or the strength. This morning I was having my quiet cup of tea and the strangest thought occured to me.....I was thinking about how much I loved him and then suddenly...I couldnt remember why. He has done nothing in months to give me any reason to. Oddly enough, I still love him. Made me pause anyway. I started reading the news to get my mind off of it.

I need a nap badly so Im going to lay down and watch a movie until i fall asleep.

Dusk

Emergency!!!!!!!!!!!....sorta....my heart is POUNDING

Couldnt sleep so got up and logged onto FB to goof off on some mindless games.....checked my msgs......one is from my H. Here's what he says....

"Hey just checking in to see how everything is going and to know how that test went. Hope it all went well and your getting better and gonna stay getting better."

I didnt even know he knew about my testing. I want to answer him so badly ..but not sure if I should wait..I prob should, I know answering him while im all fluttered up is a BAD IDEA...but how long should I wait?

27 days of no contact.... I know its prob not a big deal but it IS !!!!!!!!

Anyone with any advice please let me know, I wont do anything yet...but .....my heart is REALLY pounding right now. God my hands are shaky too. Damn man! grrrrrr

Dusk

Dusk,
I'll let the experts advise you, & know how you must feel (I'm at 30 + days of no contact!! Not even a text, nothing!)

BUT, I think your instincts telling you to wait are right. Remember, he doesn't contact you for 27 days, does he really deserve an immediate response? You are a busy, interesting, & exciting person -- his message is nice but you're not waiting around to hear from him! Easy for me to say right?? I'm sure you'll hear from the those who know better soon.

hihi LFA, yea im gonna wait until I hear fomr some others that have been thru this "stage". Last time he contacted i totally blew it. I dont want him to think that I could care less that he asked about me becaue of course I do. But I dont want him to think Im sitting around waitng for him to send me a sign that he knows I exist either. Cause Im really not.

Im surprised, happy, angry? not sure why I had that feeling but I did, nervous, I could keep going but my soup (ugh, again) is ready.

My friend that is stayng with me and helping me here at the apt was shocked he sent me a msg too. So Im glad its not just me.

I tried really hard not to think about it....mostly did ok with that. She helped a lot on that, kept talking about politics which Im rather passionate about. Always a good distraction for me, lol.

Just not sure what when or how to answer him back. and yea, like a little kid I have read and reread the msg he sent about a million times. Is that sad? Probably. I sat on my hands everytime i thought about answering him tho, then closed it. =) been good so far............

Dusk

no advice? premonitions? scolding? I havent answered him yet but I want to. Just not sure what to say.

Im pretty sure Im over thinking this whole thing. I know I have seen it said several times not to read anything into anything WAS say or do. Im working on not doing that.

My friend here is a huge help on everything except this, she thinks I should file for a divorce. I dont WANT a divorce, I want to talk to my h and work things out. We dont have children and there is no way to see him since he is out of the country. I keep hoping he will mention coming stateside for xmas...but even if he did that doesnt mean he would see me. And what if he brings HER??

Ok so, back to the msg he sent...any thoughts on how I should handle this? This IS progress right?

Dusk

Quote:

Ok so, back to the msg he sent...any thoughts on how I should handle this?

Tell him the results like you would a acquaintance or co-worker. "I didn't get the news I was hoping for but I can handle it. Thanks for asking." No need for details, if he really wants to know let him work for it.

Cheers

Thanks so much coach. Keep it simple. Ok. Maybe thats where I keep going wrong. I tend to write a book. That is a good 180 for me to work on. I sent him a simple msg, paraphrased it a bit, but basically the same thing you wrote. Hope thats ok.

Dusk

And...he answered. Also a surprise....Said he hopes I get better soon and he is heading out for the weekend and will send me a msg Sunday when he gets back to see how things are going for me.

No i wont hold my breath, he has said something like that before. Im not going to bother responding to his answer. Im going to make an effort to remain distant and detached. And if I have any trouble I will have my little moments of crisis here and not do anything. Right now Im not tho. Was nice that he responded, I really didnt think he would.

baby steps baby steps baby steps

Dusk

.....god i hope i dont trip and fall on my face again

Dusk, Good job. Glad you got input. My H texted me yesterday, that he paid $1000 on our credit card. So the first contact in over a mo., but totally impersonal, no hi, etc. Well it helps not to have any expectations but I admit when I saw his name on the text my heart skipped a beat. So I haven't replied, but will send a similar business like msg.

I am glad you got a positive msg. from H but think you're right to stay cautious. Protect yourself! Hope you're having a good weekend! And feeling better too.
LFA

Yep yep. I AM feeling much better today. A little tired but nothing like i was. I had a great weekend. SOme friends came by and picked me up and took me to a low-key gathering for halloween. When I needed to rest they had a quiet place already set up for me. I have good friends around me that care. Was a lot of fun tho. Between my short naps I goofed off with everyone. I even got hit on. ROFL. I thought one of my friends was gonna kill him. Was cute tho. Made me feel good anyway, nice to know Im still interesting enough. Esp with all thats going on.

Update on H...no update, he of course didnt send me a msg. I kinda got a little twinge but not too bad, i really didnt think he would so I wasnt too disappointed. He doesnt have my new cell number either. SO FB email etc is the only way he can reach me. Like my friend said, his loss. \

((((LFA))) How did ur contact with your H go?

Dusk

Dusk, glad to hear you had a good weekend! Sounds fun, and it's great you have wonderful friends around you, you can lean on. That's the best thing for anyone in our sitch.

Well, I texted him back on Saturday that I pd. on my student loan & replied, OK, we need to get together & talk. Are you free tomorrow afternoon?" Well, I wasn't - had plans to look at houses w my sister (she's looking for one). So I texted back, Sorry I'm not. What's up?" He replied, We need to discuss how to get the process moving". So of course my old fears came right back, I knew then I am not really detached, or detached enough by now. So I texted him that I couldn't really talk then & would email him.

I felt I needed to set a boundary as I felt so stressed last Aug. when he was really pressuring me, so I emailed him that when he texts me to meet the next day, after no contact for a mo., I feel disrespected. And could he please give more alternatives? And I asked if he had his own health ins. (he's been on mine for a long time, but got a new job in Aug.

(BTW Coach has a great thread called Boundaries - good reading. I used his examples as model).

Today he emailed back this: "I didn't intend to disrespect you. I hadn't contacted you in a month because you last said that you were still interviewing lawyers and I wanted to give you time to find one you were comfortable with.

My wanting to talk to you wasn't a demand, just a suggested time. I understand it was short notice and I understand if you're busy. That being said, I think it's time that we sit down and talk this through. Maybe we can get together next Sunday if that works for you." And asked if he can stay on my ins. through Nov. I was prepared for an ugly response, so I am getting a reply ready now. I am not sure about meeting w him, but I really do feel like let's get this over with. I don't want to stay in the house, it's too big, has problems, & way too many memories of our M. One of the houses I looked at could be a potential rental. Just trying to figure out my next steps. Sorry for writing a book!!!

Hope you keep feeling better - PMA! I'm trying to get it/keep it. And find more ways to fill my weekend! Have a great week (((Dusk))))

Just journaling. Im irritable again today and disgusted with my H. Obviously some part of me had an expectation that he would send a msg. Bah. Its not too bad, just ...grrr. I am such a big baby sometimes I know. You would think I would learn.

That guy that flirted with me at the party sent me flowers..... I sent him a txt saying ty and let him down easy. Altho honestly , he knows Im married. What are ppl thinking sometimes?!

Healthwise I feel pretty good today. Even managed to walk down and get my own mail =)

No plans today. Just going to listen to music and read or something.

Dusk

ok....deep breath.....I had a (pause for effect) conversation with my H today. (gasp)

Went well, he said hi, asked how i was, i said hi back said I was doing ok. he told me he hoped i had a good weekend last and that he did. I told him yes, but didnt go into any detail. He actually did let me know what he did without mentioning OW. (gasp again)

anyway, we exchanged a couple of msgs on fb along those lines and then i logged out b4 he could respond again.

I feel ok about it all for the most part.

another baby step.....

Dusk

update...logged into fb...another msg from him. said he just wants to make sure im getting the rest i need and to be careful because its flu season and he heard a friend of mine tested positive for swine flu. He didnt want me getting any of that and that by him checking on me it shows he still cares.

I read it a few times, didnt respond. I considered saying thank you again, but i already had so...seemed repetitive. I have to help slay the almighty dragon =) but wanted to give an update.

Ok, yea I smiled when i read it. Couldnt help it.

now, do I keep things as is? My gut tells me i should, but Ive been wrong and Im a tiny bit fluttery atm. It WAS a sweet msg. :P MY thoughts are to let him keep making first contact, but then I think, well, wont he give up since he made an effort? I dunno. Anyones thoughts on this would be very helpful.

Dusk
oh yea, one more thing..he changed his pic. no OW in it. I know he's still seeing her, but was a bit relieved its not in my face anymore.

Feast or famine? Another msg waiting for me this morning from H. Asking me to please not be stubborn and take care of myself and get plenty of rest. His msgs have been getting more upbeat and friendly. I have been upbeat so Im sure my DBing efforts helped. Im going to continue to take it sloooooooooooooow and if I answer him, tonight or tomorrow. He didnt really ask a question, but seems to want conversation?

If I need to have my hand slapped, feel free to slap it. Im trying not to get overly excited but,.... I have to say I was surprised and nervous to see a msg from him, then happy, esp since it was friendly.

Dusk

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

Feast or famine? Another msg waiting for me this morning from H. Asking me to please not be stubborn and take care of myself and get plenty of rest. His msgs have been getting more upbeat and friendly. I have been upbeat so Im sure my DBing efforts helped. Im going to continue to take it sloooooooooooooow and if I answer him, tonight or tomorrow. He didnt really ask a question, but seems to want conversation?

Take it slow. I'd let another message or two pop up, then reply with "Sorry, I was busy. Thanks for your concern, I will take care of myself."

The whole point of letting them initiate conversation is to draw them back into your life. By all means, go with the conversation -- but steer it away from R talk if he tries to bring it up.

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

If I need to have my hand slapped, feel free to slap it. Im trying not to get overly excited but,.... I have to say I was surprised and nervous to see a msg from him, then happy, esp since it was friendly.

If you have a good conversation, or lunch, or whatever, be prepared for some pullback. He may enjoy it, and have to "regroup" to figure out what this means for the two of you. Don't be hurt by it.

Thx Trent. Nothing from him yet but I really dont expect to for a while. I'll refrain from initiating contact. No sense getting myself back to where i was a couple of weeks ago.

Meanwhile....Im feeling a lot better. I have Dr appts all week, mostly checkups and to see how Im progressing. My C sessions have been...meh. Im not really connecting with her at all. I dont exactly "dread" going, but I can think of things I would rather be doing. If I met her just casually , i dont think we would be friends. :P

My day today has been pretty good, went out to breakfast with my friend. Didnt get too wiped, but came home so i dont push it. We're going to bake today. =)

Dusk

Wore myself out baking yesterday but everything turned out so well. I invited several friends to come over this afternoon and eat it all since I cant have any of it. *cry*

Decent morning so far. Did walk my dog this morning. All by myself!!! =) Im feeling a lot better.

Only little hitch so far today was a flash of anger at my H. Not sure where it came from really. I wasnt doing or thinking about anything related to him but for a moment I was so mad at him. It has passed. Guess this kind of thing will keep happening for a while. Does anyone else have these moments? Just...out of the blue anger? Im trying so hard to get and stay detached....I dont check his profiles at all, I havent answered his last msg. Didnt even read it again. I stay busy as I can and take care of myself the best I can. Have as much fun as my strength will allow, which granted isnt much some days but I do try to stay positive. Anyway...

Im looking forward to this afternoon. We will also be making plans for thanksgiving. Should be interesting.

Dusk

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

Only little hitch so far today was a flash of anger at my H. Not sure where it came from really. I wasnt doing or thinking about anything related to him but for a moment I was so mad at him. It has passed. Guess this kind of thing will keep happening for a while. Does anyone else have these moments?

Oh, yes. Almost daily. Letting go of the anger is a real challenge for me. When someone hurts you it is only natural to feel anger. I think that's why letting go of it is so difficult.

Thx Norm. Been ok the past couple of days. Battling a headache this morning that started about 3am and has been wearing me down. Its not a migraine but I have nausea so Im going in this afternoon to get checked.

New developments... When everything broke loose back in aug, many of our friends chose sides. immature, yes, unexpected, no. Several I havent spoken with since that time period. In the past couple of days 2 of them have sent me msgs asking me how I am and what my test results were. Never asked b4 nor have either of them showed any interest in my health.
Side note I have NOT told my H my results yet. Just that I was handling things. I also asked my friends not to tell him.

I responded to them both that I was hanging in there and my results werent what I was hoping for. (thx again coach) I have left it at that. H however has begun checking my music profile again. Not as often, but is def increased traffic. No word from him yet but its only been 5 days since last contact. ( wow, i said "only" ) Im feeling ok about all of this.

Of course Im hopeful that this is yet another baby step in the right direction. Any thoughts or comments are always welcome of course. Some days I seem to do ok, and other days, i am needy and want reassurances. I HAVE stopped blaming this on being a girl tho . =)

Dusk

Hi Dusk,

I think you are doing a great job detaching and I know how hard it can be to accomplish. I stopped looking at my H's myspace profile about a month ago. It was consuming my thoughts and it really was not helping me emotionally. I try to keep the mindset of "I have no control over what he does."

It is hard not to read into that friendly text that my H might send me (haven't had one in a while) or the laughs that we might share during a phone conversation but I have started to look at it like I am a pigeon in the park and H is just throwing me crumbs and I eagerly gobble them up, then the next time we talk H will be distant and emotionally void and I will feel hurt, kwim? Hope this helps.

I am in no way an expert at DB, and I make mistakes all the time but I just wanted to give you a word of encouragement. Keep up the good work

thx, i really need encouragement right now. My morning is going fairly well. My dr is concerned over my bloodwork. My iron is very low , so he is slowly increasing my potassium and iron so it doesnt shock my system. Explains my fatigue anyway. Had some trouble getting moving this morning, my mood was ok, just had some trouble with fine motor stuff. Had to wake my friend up to make tea and hold my cup for a few minutes. Im ok now, but she did call my dr and let him know. Im going back in this afternoon. Im not in much pain which is a huge huge huge relief. =)

Dusk

Dusk, Have no computer at home, & couldn't get on at work yesterday, so am trying to catch up w folks today. In answer to the anger flashes, YES!! Oh definitely. I could be doing fine, then out of nowhere, a flash of rage & I envision taking a baseball bat to his car. I consider it progress that this happens much much less than it did a few mos. ago! It's normal, I think as long as it's not taking over most of your thoughts. Since I sit at a computer for work all day, I have post its on my monitor w DB phrases like PMA; I can only control me, etc. I figure anything that might help!!

Sorry you are not feeling well, but glad you've gone right to the dr. I think when we feel bad physically we tend to feel bad emotionally too. Sending you hugs and positive energy to feel better soon!

(((Dusk)))

((LFA))!!! So good to hear from you =)

Yea, ..bat to the car...prob a good think my h is out of the country. =D

I hope ur doing ok hon.

Im feeling a bit better today physically. Mentally Im a little stressed, but mostly over my condition not my sitch. Ok, maybe a little over my sitch. I miss him today.

Dusk

Ok...so after a fairly calm afternoon, I hear from my MIL. She asked how I was doing and if I had heard from H. I told her yes, we had a brief conv a week ago but not since then. SHe talked to him today and he informed her that OW has put her foot down and told H that he cant have any contact with me unless its about a D and any msgs between us she has to see. He has agreed. Im....speechless.

I want to fly over there and rip her hair out and slap him silly. The nerve! Im his WIFE!

My MIL asked me not to hold it against him and to try to stay calm so nobody gets hurt. Excuse me? SHe asked me not to contact him again...huh? because it was causing him problems. umm I havent? He has made contact first. She paused when I told her that. I was ....polite and ended the call.

I am..angry hurt disgusted and shocked. I wish i hadnt answered the dam phone.

Dusk

A tad calmer today. I ranted most of the night last night about how utterly disrespectful and low that my h is being. I used more graphic terms but you get the idea. I also had many choice words for that hussy he is seeing. My friend stayed pretty quiet the whole time, then told me I needed to rest. She looked a little worried. I was mad as hell tho.

i called my atty today and informed him of what was going on. All of our finances are split, they were for the most part anyway. I have decided to STOP paying the storage for his car. He can pay for the dam thing himself. I informed them that my H would be making the payments from here on out and gave them his new cell number. I did pay NOV already. We had one joint credit card, I forgot to confirm that it had been cancelled. I'll do that here in a min.

Right now Im getting all my little ducks in a row, going to take care of myself and live my life. Wish I could get out more...

Dusk

PD,

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

SHe talked to him today and he informed her that OW has put her foot down and told H that he cant have any contact with me unless its about a D and any msgs between us she has to see. He has agreed. Im....speechless.

Great! He's gonna get sick of her.

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

I want to fly over there and rip her hair out and slap him silly. The nerve! Im his WIFE!

If you do, can I come and watch? Shoot, can I come and help?

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

My MIL asked me not to hold it against him and to try to stay calm so nobody gets hurt. Excuse me? SHe asked me not to contact him again...huh? because it was causing him problems. umm I havent? He has made contact first. She paused when I told her that. I was ....polite and ended the call.

Granted, I don't know all of your sitch, but, is he a Mama's Boy?

Glad you're feeling a bit better lately (medically, at least)

(((DUSK)))

So sorry to hear of the recent development in your sitch. Looks like your H is lying to his mother just like he lied to you and the OW.

I am glad, though, to hear that you are taking care of your business. Just be sure to take care of yourself too.

BIM

Gardener

HAHA yep you can help. Yes, he is very much a mama's boy. This isnt the first time he has lied to her about something, but she has always laughed it off and just scolded him for it. She and I dont really know each other well not close at all.

BIM, hi hon..thx for the reply. Yes, Im pretty sure he has been lying to everyone, which is why he gets so dam mad about things. Altho not lately.

....Today Im pretty upbeat. I felt a lot better after talking to my atty and calling the storage place. I shuld have made him pay for that from the beginning. I feel like I made some progress for myself as far as our sitch goes. I wanted to block him on FB pretty badly when I heard from MIL. I havent yet, and still feel the urge to. Im just so disgusted with him.

Had a lovely cup of tea in a new cup a friend sent me this morning. It really is a beautiful cup. MAde me smile =). Managed to eat a small bowl of rice with some honey. Then went for a short 10 min walk. I feel pretty good today.

Dusk

PD,

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

Managed to eat a small bowl of rice with some honey. Then went for a short 10 min walk. I feel pretty good today.Dusk

Good for you. (())

Bit better today. Stayed as busy as I could. Rested a lot and played with my dog. Kind of a boring day, but uneventful is sometimes a very good thing.

I tried to look in on as many of you as I could, I know I missed some. Hope everyone is doing ok today. (( )) for everyone.

Dusk

You are NOT gonna believe this! I just got a msg from my H. Signed....are you ready for this? .... <heart> *name*

He says he was on his way home from seeing OW....(insert growl here) and thought he saw me then realized it couldnt be me because im on the wrong side of the pond, but was so happy at first then sad because it wasnt me. Hopes Im feeling better or that things are getting better.

Im ...floored. I havent answered, I was about to go to bed. Thoughts advice suggestions and hand slapping welcome.

Dusk

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

Im ...floored. I havent answered, I was about to go to bed. Thoughts advice suggestions and hand slapping welcome.

I can't see any reason to answer it. If he asks tomorrow, tell him you hadn't gotten around to checking your email yet.

I mean, seriously -- "I was on my way back from the OW's place and thought I saw you? Love, WAH?" That's his idea of a conversation starter? *shakes head*

Trent, PD,

Originally Posted By: TrentC

I mean, seriously -- "I was on my way back from the OW's place and thought I saw you? Love, WAH?" That's his idea of a conversation starter? *shakes head*

Exactly what I was going to write! (though, I was going to add "WTF? Screw him!")
But i won't.

LOL thx guys. Yes, I had 2 more msgs in my box when I woke up. Another from last night and one this morning. Asking how I am, and letting me know he still cares about me and if he didnt he wouldnt be checking on me. This brings us up to 4 msgs. altho 3 in less than 12 hours is a record for him i think.

I may answer later today if nobody throws a cinder block at my head telling me not to. He seems kinda......not desperate really...just....well, desperate keeps coming to mind actually. We'll see.

I have things to do today. yay! I get to *gasp* LEAVE THE APARTMENT!!!! lol, have a check up at the dr then I am getting a manicure. Dont really need it I tear my nails up on the strings all the time, but wth right?

Oh and I ate last night. Had some wild rice and steamed peaches. They were REALLY good.

Dusk

Was on my way out the door and saw a new msg, checked it thinking it was a friend of mine regarding plans for later. Nope, its from my h. He wanted to let me know that he was coming back to the states for xmas to see his mom. Then again after the first of the year and wanted to know if on his second trip back he could come to tx and say hi.

Wow???

I dont have time to answer. Not even sure how to answer that. Do I want to see him? Yes of course I do. ....and no I dont. I think he is bringing OW on the first trip. I could be wrong, but I dont think I am. He cant see me for the holidays, but can AFTER? I am already making my plans but still. maybe im being stubborn, but why do i have to be second on everything?

Ok i really gotta run, im going to be late again.

Dusk

Ok, well I sent a brief and polite reply stating I have been busy. I told him I ws feeling fine, thx for asking and that I was still in the process of making my plans for the holidays. As for his second trip, I dont know what I will be doing and without a time frame wouldnt be able to commit to anything right now.

Was afraid to say much of anything else. So I kept it as simple as possible without sounding like I was at his beck and call. because , news flash, im not! =)

Dusk

Hi Sweetie. Glad you're feeling better and getting out a little.

I think you did fine, but me, I wouldn't have replied at all. He's just keeping you on the string and he doesn't deserve your attention.

He was "on his way home from OW...." What kind of sh!t is that??!! It's the worst kind of sh!t.

Dump that loser ASAP. Keep going with the legal stuff and detach from this ridiculousness.

I would never, ever give him the satisfaction of another reply either. Ignore!

(((Dusk)))

So glad to hear that you aren't letting your H's nonsense get to you like it used to. Use your new-found strength to walk the walk.

Stay strong!

bim

((kim))

I dont regret answering his msg, and I kept it as brief as possible and didnt even bother to acknowledge any of that. Yea , I still am a bit peeved over his first msg. He DID respond, ROFL and I DID laugh, he is PISSED. his msgs was 3 words.... "WHAT THE F**K!!!" ....that was it. Finally some emotion huh? Im completely ignoring it. Let him stew for a few weeks as far as Im concerned. Im not upset by it and Im not going to let him bait me into an arguement or R talk.

((BIM)) thx for looking in on me =) Yes, I am stronger emotionally. Or maybe just more detached. Either way, Im not letting him push my buttons and get to me anymore. Cross your fingers he doesnt find a new one to push.

Yesterday was a very exciting day for me. After my checkup at the Dr, ok that wasnt too exciting. I went to lunch, then a grp of us met up at a friends house and we made xmas decorations for a womens shelter and just had fun chatting and goofing off. They had a lounge chair for me to rest on when I needed to. THEN one of their friends dropped by who happened to be a guitarist and we talked music for most of the evening. Then I came home , took a nice bubble bath and went to bed. A very good day.

Today we are taking the decorations we put together over to the shelter and thats probably all I'll have the strength for today. But Im looking forward to it.

I'll look in on you guys when i get time this evening. Ty ALL of you.

Dusk

Took the decorations over to the shelter, they loved them and were so sweet. made me feel good to help someone smile. Stopped and got some more tea and came back for some much deserved r and r and goofing off on my games. Log into fb start reading and answering nsgs....saw yet ANOTHER one from my h. Seems he calmed down? or maybe he didnt, doesnt matter much. Was brief one liner again. Said he hoped I was having a great day. that was it. I didnt answer.

After being dark and having no contact with him for as long as I did, this is a lot of communication from him. Im not going to bother trying to figure out what he's thinking or feeling. I guess my question is, what do I do about it? he is still with HER, sees her almost every weekend and has the gall to mention her to me like its perfectly acceptable. Its NOT. I refuse to acknowledge her. I didnt marry HER. anyway....

I went dark to protect my own heart and so I could concentrate on my health which lets face it, isnt so great. He was causing me so much stress I couldnt get better, and actually got much worse. I dont really consider myself as still in dark mode because I have sent a couple of replies back, so im more ...dim than dark. Time time time keeps coming to my mind and to move slow and let him continue to initiate contact. Does anyone else feel or see that this is my best route for now? Ive read in some other sitchs that after going dark and the WAS starts contact again , they allow it, others dont.

Ok Im rambling, if anyone is able to make any sense of what I wrote i'll give you a cookie.

Dusk

Hi Dusk,
Don't think I'll win that cookie

but wanted to check in. I can only log in at work til I get my computer fixed, so haven't been on the boards much this past week. You sound good, I'm sure you're getting stronger emotionally & hopefully physically too! sounds like a great way to spend the day, helping others, it makes me want to volunteer too.

Don't know if I can advise you because I haven't had that situation (H contact increasing) but I'm sure others with experience will chime in soon. Sorry to hear about conv. w MIL but you handled it great. Keep taking care of yourself & I'll try to check in before another week! (((Dusk))))
LFA

Hi painfuldust
I have been following you post the last couple of days. It looks like you have have been doing a great at GALing. Sometimes it's hard to understand how the people we love so much can hurt us this way.
I don't have any advice for you right now excetp to keep your chin up, your doing great.
I thought you may get a kick out of this though.
My D7 who wants to be a rock-n-roll star wrote this song Labor Day weekend when when we were coming home from the beach.

Heres her lyrics:

I love you
you can make a difference
and yes I like to be mean sometimes
and yes I am hot
and yes I don't like to be nice
but I love you

Thought that was prety good for a 7 year old
thanks also for the advice on my post, wmp549

I think I'd allow contact, but respond when you're good and ready. You don't want to appear cold. It seems like what you are doing is working. Maybe pull back a little when he starts contacting?

HUGS HUGS HUGS guys . Helps me get thru my days.

LFA, I made enough cookies, you can surely have one . The conv with my MIL was....just too much honestly. I wasnt about to get into it with her or try to defend myself or badmouth her son. That would have been incredibly stupid. So I ended the call.

WMP, I looked in on your sitch. Love those lyrics! lol, ur D7 sounds like a very interesting little lady.

Sadgirl, Thats one of my main concerns ..I dont want to seem cold. Ive tried very hard to remain distant and friendly but he is obviously wanting some kind of communication. With as many msgs as he has sent in such a short time after none at all for 30 days , then 2 weeks then 10 days. Now, more in the past couple of days , then all the time since the nuclear warhead landed on my apt.
My gut tells me he is about to pull back, and thats ok. If he doesnt, well, thats ok too. If the increased contact continues, Im willing and comfortable with replying once in a while, but as long as the OW is in the picture, Im not about to let him weasel his way back into my life, just so he can tear it apart again.

Still want to fly over there and just slap the hell out of him for being stupid. I would be afraid to touch her, but I could always whack her with my cane. =) , ok that rant is over .

Dusk

I think you're doing fine by only answering once to his several messages. It seems like the correct ratio for now anyway.

And considering that lame-@ss stunt he pulled when he dropped the bomb, you are showing incredible maturity and restraint.

Originally Posted By: Kimmie Lee

And considering that lame-@ss stunt he pulled when he dropped the bomb, you are showing incredible maturity and restraint.

LOL, i laughed when I read this. Would I have acted the same if he had been in the country? I have my moments when I want to just...grrrrrrr. Thank you. =)

Dusk

((((Dusk))))
Just popping by to encourage you. You are doing great! You are probably right about your guess that he will pull back now. That seems to be the dance. You just don't have to follow his lead. Do your own dance... the one that is good for you.
So, if that happens, it doesn't upset you, just par for the course. You keep GALing, detaching and remembering you will be ok no matter what.
Rocked

Thx rocked...no Im not letting it upset me. He has def pulled back, which im ok with, and actually a bit thankful. I kinda wanted to as well so this works out.

He has checked my music profile a few times, I managed to work on my music a little this week and made some changes. So Im sure he was curious. He always had an interest in my music and was supportive.

Im really searching myself to figure out exactly what it is I want from all this. Well, not just from this, but just in general. As far as a relationship, whether its with HIM or anyone else. Respect and honesty are top of the list. Always were but somehow that got lost along the way. Not to use my health issues as an excuse, because they certainly arent, but I think that and my work-a-holic attitude regarding my music helped get where we are now. My general stubborness def did. Some things I need to work on myself.

Ive had a lot of time to think :P . Sometimes thats a good thing and sometimes it isnt. Still working on not letting my emotions get the best of me and stay detached. Im MUCH better about it. MUCH.

HUgs guys,

Dusk

pd,Total non sequitur, but since you musically chimed in on my thread the other night, here's the Fat Man, Leslie West (lwss about 200 lbs,) in one of his best recorded performances ever. From London's Night of The Guitar Greats in '88. No one could phrase and tone exactly like him. A Master, whether you like this kind of music or not. Howard Stern (a friend) refers to Leslie as The Segovia of Rock. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc02XRNR7jo

Thank you for link gardenman! Yep yep yep. Love how he makes it looks so easy. His fingers just flow and glide over the fret board. He uses his thumb too, my fingers are long enough for that but I didnt learn that technique. Love it.

day went ok today. didnt do much really. Yea i know , not GALing but i was tired. Been a busy week for me. I DO have plans tomorrow. Was asked out tonight but just wanna put some comfy nonsexy clothes on, slather a mudmask on my face and just watch cheesy movies.

No new developements, no new revelations.

Thx and hugs for my wonderful support here =)

Originally Posted By: PainfulDusk

just wanna put some comfy nonsexy clothes on, slather a mudmask on my face and just watch cheesy movies.

Yep, this is what I feel like tonight myself. Already in jammies. The boys just put Shrek 3 in for us to watch and I'm getting ready to go brush teeth and clean my face and sit here with my laptop and a book or magazine. I swear, sometimes jammies and hot chocolate are so underrated!!!

Enjoy your night, Dusk.

bim

(((BIM))) I agreee...totally underrated ! lol, I had a small moment of ickyness, then it passed. Generally I had a nice relaxing no pressure kind of night. Slept in until...11am! lol. guess i needed some sleep.

Went to the store today to pick up a few things i ran out of. Took a good look at my livingroom and decided i hated it and wanted to rearrange. Of course I cant move myself half the time so I bribed a couple guys with beer to come move stuff tomorrow. I'll sit in a directors chair and give orders. HAHAHAHAHA

Dusk

The guys have shown up...my tatami mats need airing so they are dragging those out atm. I have a screen in my room i think I will move in the LR. I sent a friend of mine out for a couple of new houseplants. My directors chair is setup and yes Im sitting in it! hahahahaha

My day is going great, having fun and being the boss. (always wanted to be the boss) =)

I'll check in later after after.

Dusk

I have had a great couple of days. Yesterday I got my living room rearranged and love the new look. Only 1 vase got broken...pretty good considering.

Today I had a dr appt that went very well and while theres not really a significant improvement, there wasnt any more BAD news either. So im pretty happy with that.

I had a nice lunch and went downtown for a bit. When I got home there were...FLOWERS waiting for me from an old friend. Very sweet. I started some soup and its simmering on the stove, and Im winding down for a relaxing evening.

Im pretty happy right now. =)

Dusk

Hi Dusk,
Love your last sentence. It says it all! You're doing great!! You sound steady, peaceful & in control. I'm glad you are finding some balance.

Thanks for stopping by last week, sorry to be so slow but need to fix comp. at home or get a new one! Do you have plans for T-Giving? I just now found Coach's thread on getting through the holidays. Some excellent ideas. Have a great holiday & weekend, & I'll check in soon. Hugs,
LFA

(((LFA)))

Yes, I am going to a friends families home for Tgiving. They are making some special dishes that I can eat which is very thoughtful of them.

I feel great. Little tired. I baked a few pies today so I would have some comfort holiday food here for anyone that drops by in the next few days.

I saw coaches thread too. Very helpful as always.

Hope everyone that sees this has a great Thanksgiving!!!!

Dusk

Wanna send those pies up here to Canada? Its not Thanksgiving for us, we've already had it, but I would LOVE some pies!!!!

thought i better check in before i head out. yes i am going OUT! Im headed to a friends house I have a sexy little dress to wear and Im going clubbing for as long as I last and have a great time. =)

Now for the ....uh oh....Last night I was playing my game and had to send out a mass email to other leader/officers in other clans. No big deal right? I didnt think so either, I copied and pasted all the names and sent it. Later on I went back to make sure i hadnt missed anyone. My H character was in that list! Now , thankfully, it was mass email and nothing personal but does this count against me? Not sure. I havent heard from him since last contact about 1 1/2 weeks ago. Other than that, the only change was his prfile pic has changed again...he doesnt look...happy? Not smiling anyway like in the other ones, and no OW. Honestly I dont know if he is still in the picture or not but I am betting she is, and as long as she is, he can make contact not me. Which leads me back to the ingame thing.

Im not going to sweat it. Just needed to journal it. lol

HUGS!
Dusk

ROFLMAO!! I am laughing SOOOOOO hard right now!!!!

I go to log out, tab over to FB to log out and say bye to a couple of ppl and GUESS WHO sent me a msg not 5 min ago???

Yep. My H. He says, Hey, "I cant send you an email in game if youre gonna block me." Answered me on FB. Now, here's the kicker. My mass email didnt require a response at all. no RSVP or anything. It was info only. He then said he hoped "i was having fun and doing well."

Anyway, just HAD to tell about that.

Im still laughing. I think its the funniest thing.

So , suggestions?

Dusk

Hehehe.... Dusk... too funny!

If I were you, I would just ignore it. It didn't require a reply, he chose to reply... that's his choice.

You just keep going with your GALing!

Originally Posted By: rockedworld

If I were you, I would just ignore it. It didn't require a reply, he chose to reply... that's his choice.
You just keep going with your GALing!

I ditto rocked. Totally.
fwiw

Helloooooo my dear support friends!!!!!!

I had a great weekend! Went out clubbing actually lasted about 3 hours! Couldnt drink of course but who needs to right? Even managed to get out on the dance floor with a hottie. haha. Spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with friends and just kickin it. Yea im a little tired but it was so worth it!

We took pictures and I posted one of me in that little dress as my profile pic. Got a msg from h about 15 min later!!!! too funny. I didnt answer him for about 6 hours then I went ahead and said hi back. Asked him how his weekend was going. He said it was so-so. He said he was glad I was feeling better and having fun. I said ty I am. Then he mentioned the storage, I told him I wasnt going to pay it anymore and that he needed to take care of it himself. He said ok. Then started talking about the game. Huh? He asked me if I knew why someone was trying to attack him, I said no, why would I , I havent talked to that guy in MONTHS. He said he thought I might since I was mentioned. I responded that I was flattered that I made an impression on the guy for him to mention me after so much time. Then he got IRRITABLE and said he didnt care blah blah blah he was higher lvl and 5th in his class yadada. Then he said he was thinking about quitting. I said cool, you do what you need to. Then he switched gears again and brought up the cars. I told him I really had to go and it was great talking to you. End of story. I logged out. No response from him. Ha.

Im loving life right now =)

Dusk

Yeah Dusk!! Way to go! You are really DBing like a pro these days. So happy to see it. That's great. You go!

You go dusk!

Thx guys. Yep My day is going very well. Having some old "friends" come out of the woodwork again asking me questions. lol. NOthing major, how am I feeling, what have I been up to, done anything exciting lately. that sort of thing.

I had a counseling session this morning. Bah, the more I see her the more i dont like her. She seems to be leaning towards divorce is my best option. I may switch.

No plans this afternoon other than a long nap.

Dusk

Hi Dusk,
Been there w the negative IC! Listen to your gut. I had the same type of C, "there's nothing you can do", she'd keep hammering away about how alone I was - Like I don't know??? What an idiot! I was in so much grief then it took a while before I got rid of her. You're in a much better place. I say, trust your gut! Something I am trying to learn & get better about. Have a nice nap!

Im a little depressed today and just ick. I was thinking about my H and realized he has been with OW for 4 months at least. Im losing hope.

My life is going ok...just my sitch ...its in some kind of stalemate. No forward or backwards movement. He just ...doesnt care. Not one dam thing I can do about that, and being in a different country for over a year, whats to miss? He is supposed to be back in the country in 2 weeks. Doesnt want to see me this trip, and he is staying on the east coast, will prob have OW with him.

I havent cried about any of this, just ... losing hope.

Dusk

I finally blocked him on fb. I just dont want to talk to him. I dont want to hear from him, I want nothing to do with him right now. Right or wrong. Im cutting all communication off for now. If he wants a divorce so dam bad he can file and have me served.

Dusk

Hi Dusk, Are you there? Just checking in - I haven't been around much either through Dec. How are you doing? I hope you're doing OK. Wishing you great things in 2010!
(((hugs)))
LFA

I was wondering how you are doing too... everything ok?

Hey LFA-

I wanted to check in as our sitches are so similar.

I am definitely doing better mood-wise.

DB? I posted over in Infidelity that I just don't see any DB'ing going on for me. NC for how long now? I don't see anything that is going to change our dynamic (or lack thereof!) unless OW suddenly drops dead or something like that.

Feeling like NC is cheeseless tunnel--but while X is involved with OW--what else to do?

DB'ing should feel counter-intuitive--darn it, as I was the remote partner, I really feel that making contact is counter-intuitive--doing the pursuing. Or at least a little.

But the advice all over the board is NC!

What's an independent gal to do?

How was getting through NYE and the rest of the holidays for you?

Taking care of yourself--getting out and keeping busy?

Let me know--