Quick synposis of my sitch...
My H and I are both military, were in a long distance R, and got married this past summer. Right before he deployed to Iraq in December he filed for D - stating our M won't work out for him. Why??? I am still trying to figure it out :-) I am currently waiting to be served D papers. I will also deploy this summer to Afghanistan for at least 12 months. So the dilemma is do I hire a L and drag out the D until I get back from deployment or just let things happen...
I have all my faith, hope, and trust in God and surrender our M to him a few months ago. I will continue standing for our M and let God do his thing.
Our communication has increased a lot recently and we're both very friendly. But we haven't talked about our R at all.
Yesterday was interesting....
My H called me in the morning - we small talked and briefly talked about our R. I reinforced I believe in our M and will continue to stand for it. When I told him that I did not plan to date anyone else regardless how our situation ends up, he told me he would not do the same thing. However we got cut off. But he called back later that morning while I was on the way to ski with a friend and then later last night. Both times I was with my male friend, kept the conversation short, and agreed to call later.
H is supposed to call me again this morning... It is challenging to talk about our R. I know where I stand and what I plan to do - but it's difficult trying to make my H understand. He would much rather me just sign the darn D papers and be done!
Well it was a tough talk as usual...
We small talked and laughed for close to an hour - and then the R came up. He obviously has been done with our M for a long time now (few months) and seemed emotionally closed down. He dismissed his faith today and says he doesn't believe it anymore. I feel like he is so far away from his faith that he is living in complete sin & darkness. It makes me very sad.
He always asks me why I would want to continue on with him and our M - and I always say - it's simple - I love you. He doesn't get the concept of true love means being there for the other person through everything. And he doesn't want that b/c it means dealing with bad stuff sometimes. He says he feels like I am forcing my love on him and he doesn't want to receive it. I validated what he said and told him he has the choice to accept or deny it and I understand that.
H is just so funny. Part of him wants true love and a lifetime companion and part of him pushes it away and says he doesn't need anyone. It's an eternal struggle for him. It's amazing to see his defenses go up & become so distant & hardened. His defenses were up for most of our R talk and showed little emotion. Sigh........
I am hoping for a better day.
I was full of tears yesterday and didn't get much sleep. I think my mind is processing our discussion yesterday.
I really was very sad & upset that my H appears to be dead in sin and so far away from God. It is heavy on my heart. It's hard loving someone so much and not being able to do anything for them. I will continue to pray for his salvation.
A long distance marriage is always difficult, but trying to fix a marriage while so far apart is also difficult. I haven't read any of your past threads so my questions may seem silly:
1. Seemed like you were married such a short time, how long did you know each other before you got married? Did you try any counseling before he left?
2. Do you think the orders to Iraq made a difference? (divorce papers right before he left)
Have to run now, but hope others will give you some good advice.
FitChik -- I can't speak to H's salvation or to your need for him to be close to your god. I have no god. But I CAN speak to his behavior upon deployment.
I did OEF/OIF from Feb 03 to May 04. Your story is common one, I'm afraid (at least 6 Joes under my command did the same thing).
Don't know your sitch re: military service yrself, but I can tell you this -- life in Iraq is life in a parallel dimension.
Even now, I assume, with the violence well down. It's not a "normal" deployment. You live in a weird kind of suspended animation. The World doesn't exist. It's all about the 50-meter target.
Some of my Joes filed for D because they didn't want / feared their spouses spending all their money (ALSO not uncommon, I'm afraid). Others filed because they had to go thru this kind of "I'm already dead" thing just to cope with what was to come.
I don't know if you can DB from 8,000 miles away. But you can try. Don't get into R talks on e-mail -- you don't read e-mail the same way over there (trust me on this one -- you should see some of my W's e-mails when I was there). And the Joes don't want to get "how terrible it is at home" letters -- that's so common, even "Doonesbury" had a series of strips on it.
Don't have R talks on the phone -- redirect -- because as soon as he signs off he's going to pull out a smoke and bitch to his buddies, who are all going to enable him.
Keep it light. Keep it generic. Fill him in on his favorite team. Ask some of his fishing or hunting buddies how it's going. Give him things to look forward to back in the World that are "his" -- "hey, Chuck says he's restoring an old Chevelle and wants you to help him when you demob." That sort of thing.
In other words, you have to keep the M alive by acting AS IF you understand that it's dead. As long as he doesn't feel under pressure to keep the process moving, you'll live to fight another day.
Hey Matilda.
We knew each other for over a year. We did not try counseling. He dropped the bomb and deployed shortly there after. I am in individual marriage counseling now and have asked him to talk with my counseling - but am not pressuring him. He brought it up on his own yesterday and again asked why it would help.
I think the deployment did make him file before he normally might have. It seemed like an easy out. And then he wouldn't have to deal with anything when he got back.
Fit--
I think Dr. H is dead on in his post. I have seen this in my sitch, also. As long as I stay away from difficult subjects, DH is like a different person. And I do not have the added complication of my DH being in the middle of a war zone--just drifting on the outskirts of one. We have not discussed our R once while he has been gone. DH has tried to steer it that way, but I steer it back to the kids. I had a rough day yesterday, too, but it seemed like every bible study I turned on dealt with the covenant vows of marriage. IF that was not motivation enough to keep my chin up, I don't know what else would be.
How is the fast going? Mine was not so good, but I recommitted to it this morning. I read something in Isaiah this morning that I wanted to share with you. Take a few minutes to read Isaiah 58. All of it is pertinent for us, but especially verses 6-12.
I will be praying for you two, as well.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
Hey Matilda.
We knew each other for over a year. We did not try counseling. He dropped the bomb and deployed shortly there after. I am in individual marriage counseling now and have asked him to talk with my counselor - but am not pressuring him. He brought it up on his own yesterday and again asked why it would help.
I think the deployment did make him file before he normally might have. It seemed like an easy out. And then he wouldn't have to deal with anything when he got back.
Thank you Dr H. It is his first deployment. He mainly stays on the FOB - so he does see some action but I don't believe it's overwhelming.
We have been keeping it light recently and it was working out great. We were able to small talk w/o R talks. He was initiating communication more. I hope our R talk yesterday didn't do too much damage and we'll eventually pick up our friendship again.
SMW - That is a great passage. It reminds you the reason we are fasting. Fasting is going ok. I've made some small mess up but continue to fast. After talking with my H yesterday, I feel a strong conviction to put my whole heart & mind into it. It would take a mighty act by God to save my H and our M so I must fast accordingly.
Fit--
I understand about the need to fast mightily as we need the Lord to work mightily. I will post an update on my thread about the struggles I had yesterday.
Stand strong and know that God is with us and Jesus is our intercessor.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
I haven't felt this way in a long time - which shows I'm healing.
But I'm just sick to my stomach. I am a mess today. I have been doing so good but this whole situation just tears me apart.
I think it's the sense of loss that's hitting me today. It's so hard to watch all your dreams with someone disappear. Especially just getting married, you are so hopeful of your future together and then it just gets taken away. I feel like I'm waiting to wake up from a bad dreams sometimes - like all of this is just a mean joke.
It's been awhile since I've had such an emotional day - which is a good thing. But it's never any fun when you have them. Luckily I had an early day at work, will go home for a good cry, and hopefully get on with my day.
Fit -- Just because H doesn't go outside the wire much doesn't mean he's not under a tremendous amount of stress. The environment alone is a stressor. Because you just never know. In a weird way it's easier for the full-combat-arms guys because they KNOW they're not in control and can adapt to that, at least during the deployment. Because they at least get out into the street -- they see Iraqis, they see something like the "normal life" we were supposed to be creating for those folks. And when they're in action, they're all about the action.
But for the Support guys, there's frustration at the Groundhog Day like nature of life on the FOB -- oh, look, a line at the sh*tter. Hardly ever see that. Oh, look, hard-boiled eggs in the chow hall. Hardly ever see that. Oh, look, a mortar attack. Hardly ever see that. No matter what the MOS, the Support guys actually get a kind of envy of the combat-arms guys. At least THEY are doing a "mission." What am I doing? Turning a wrench. I could be doing that back at Fort Bliss or wherever.
So he's under a lot of stress and going through a lot of changes even though he might not know it.
And I'll use myself as an example. I was too old and of too high a rank and of too much of some other stuff to go around kicking in doors. But when I came back from OIF I was completely checked out -- totally disassociative -- which started me on the path to this board.
Everything's fine at home. You're fine. The truck is fine. It's fine, fine, fine. Tell him light-hearted stories. Hook him up with some dip or some magazines or some red twists or whatever. But DON'T try to manage the relationship from 12 time zones away.
Just DB. Do YOUR work for YOU. And let him start remembering what he's missing.
Fit--
EDITED - PERSONAL CONTACT INFORMATION is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.I did not listen to the recording until this morning. Perhaps if i had listened yesterday I would not have been so down last night.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
Dr. H--
Your words are so good for us military spouses to hold onto. My DH is floating around the Gulf and I have tried to not give him all the crap from home unless it was stuff he absolutely had to know about--D17 running away, D9 being diagnosed with ADD, GAD, and depression. He NEEDS to know this so he knows what to expect when he gets home.
The fact that S3 broke a window--nope he did not need to know. The fact that the kids miss him so much they sleep together at night--nope, did not need to know. The fact that our great-nephew dropped the toilet paper holder down the toilet--might tell him that cause it was funny.
Thank you for being so open for us.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
My H does call it groundhog day :-). He says he is very bored. His unit has had some unexpected things happen and it has scared my H a lot. He called me after 2 of the events I guess for comfort & to tell someone about it. I completely understand what you're saying. We were both civilians who walked off the street after grad school and joined the military - so it's a whole new ball game for him. It's a lot to adjust to....
Dr. H--
Your words are so good for us military spouses to hold onto. Thank you for being so open for us.
I agree with SMW. Even though I am in the military, I have not deployed and do not understand the harsh reality of it all. This is a time they need steady support. Thanks for sharing your thoughts & experiences.
The griefing process really amazes me. Its strange how we cycle back & forth between stages. I've continued to have some denial, bargaining, and depression with periods of acceptance. I haven't had much anger but I think most of it comes out as hurt.
I have had a period of extreme sadness & difficulty coping the last two days. I think the reality of being served soon and getting a D is just darn tough today... I've tried to do some GAL activites recently which helps but I'm just not in the mood today and lack the motivation. Just an off day...
I went skiing with a friend yesterday. It was a lot of fun. However my mind was heavy thinking about my sitch all day and it was driving me crazy. I usually am able to forget about everything when I go ski for the day but not yesterday.
I really hope I'm just going through a rough patch these last couple days. I am very down and crying a lot. I haven't had this much emotion come out in a long time and it's very difficult.
I am hoping to make it to the gym today to pick up my mood.
hi marie
just wanted to see what is going on with you. hope you get out to the gym or do something else fun today for yourself. the skiing sounds like it was some fun
i will be sure to be praying for you and H.
T
Hey T,
I actually went skiing again yesterday :-). I met a sweet lady who "adopted" me for the day and really lifted my mood. It was a divine intervention no doubt.
I have a case of the blues lately. I'm trying to shake it but am having a hard time doing so.
I am going to church this morning, hitting the gym, and then driving to Portland to see a concert tonight. Mercy Me, Jeremy Camp, and a few other Christian artists are singing tonight - so I definitely will not miss it!
Hi Fit! Don't know anything about Christian music artists -- my tastes run to the Heathen -- but it sounds like you have plan that you can look forward to, and that's what counts. I'm in a low place, too, so while you're singing along maybe you can have a thought or two for old Doc Hemlock. No atheists in foxholes....
Hey Dr. H,
Sorry you're in a low place. I'm glad we at least we have other's company while we're down. I will definitely give you some thoughts :-) Hope your day improves...
Some possible good news I forgot about.
Sounds like my H is willing to talk to my MC. He asked for his the MC's info. I'm not counting on it as a definite yet but sounds promising.... I really doubt it will do much for my H or our M but it is still a good gesture. My H seems to have no vested interest in saving our M what so ever and continues to tell me to move on and find someone else....
I finally feel like myself again this afternoon. It has been a long week with lots and lots of tears. But I went for a run/sob this morning and have been having a better day since.
No further response from my H about talking with my MC. Only time will tell...
There is nothing more that I despise than trying to GAL and having thoughts of my H and our M consume my mind. I normally can shake it and get away from everything. But this week I have not been able to. It's been extremely frustrating! I did find one cure - swigs of whiskey on the ski slope - but it is not a permanent solution :-).
I have a lot to look forward to... or should I say that will keep me busy this spring/summer.
I am taking a 2 week ER class in April. I am actually planning to climb Mt Rainier at the end of May and I am very excited!!! I really need to up my cardio - so that will keep me very busy. I will go home and visit my fam for a week. I will possibly take a fun vacation with my high school BF from Indiana.
And then later this summer I will be deploying - which means I will have to pack & move all of junk into storage.
So I will be a busy woman... None of that includes dealing with a D! That could involve hours with a L and going to TX for court. There doesn't seem to be enough time to pack everything...
So my H keeps bugging me about picking up the D papers...
I made the mistake of telling him the deputy had stopped by while I was away... after a few glasses of wine. Whoops! The D papers are sitting at the deputy's office. I was going to wait for him to make his rounds and officially serve me. But now I feel obligated to pick them up.
Again today H asked when I would pick them up. Any ideas how to respond? I would really like to lash out and say.... quit asking me!! :-)
That's a tough one. If it was me, I wouldn't pick them up. Did he give any reason as to why he would want to speak to a C? He must be thinking about going if not he wouldn't have mentioned it.
"I will pick them up when I am emotionally ready to do it."
Little does he know that that readiness may not happen until after you deploy for Iraq!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
Yeah, I don't want to pick them up :-).
I asked him to talk with my C. He has been giving me a wishy washy answer for a month now. I thought it could be good news since he asked for his info.... But I have yet to hear a definite Yes, I will talk with him from my H.
Very true.
I had a "divine intervention" this afternoon. I met this funny chaplain while out at training last month who I had never met before. Well he comes in today to see me in clinic for lab work and says he is fasting (at 2:00 in the afternoon) for his lab work. I told him that I was fasting also for religious reasons. And he proceeded to ask me for what and I told him my story. I told him I was fasting for 40 days for my H and our M. He wrote down my prayer requests and prayed with me. If that's not confirmation I don't know what is :-)
I'm a big believer in signs. But even though I don't want to admit it, sometimes the signs may be making us stronger for what we want the least.
A friend told me, what is the worst thing that could happen between you and your wife during this separation. I told her the worst thing that could happen would be that she fell in love with someone else. Then she asked me what could be the best thing to happen, I told her the best thing would be if she came back home.
It's tough but we have to prepare ourselves for both the best and worst case scenarios. I sometimes can't do that but I try every day. Because we may never know when we'll get what we want and we may be surprised on how we react.
Stay strong and pray...
Morning everyone.
I didn't sleep well last night.... Woke up about 3am with my heart pounding and couldn't get back to sleep. I kept thinking about our sitch. I tried so many diff't technique to fall back asleep and distract my mind but it just wasn't happening. So I got up and did some reading. I might as well be productive with all that extra time!
Hope y'all have a good day.
Yea, that's me too. I go to bed at 1AM and wake up bright eyed at 4AM. That's when I started excercising more and spending lots of time at work. I do sleep a little better now.
You're gonna be alright.
Nothing much happening today. My H and I both exchanged friendly e-mails today. I think he is trying a diff't approach to the D papers... as he asked very nicely and said it would help him out a lot. Haha! I bet it would buddy :-). I have asked God to put it on my heart when to pick them up and I will know when the time is right.
I am just enjoying being back at work and busy again. Still planning how I want to spend my last few months before I deploy. I talked with my best girlfriend and we might be making a trip to Vegas this summer! He is married with 2 kids - so she jumped at the chance to get away.
Maybe you should avoid emailing him. Give him some time to think his actions through. And this will give you some time to think things through too.
Make that trip to Vegas, break out the little black dress and hit the strip! You deserve it.
And I don't know if I told you this but Thank you for everything that you do to protect and serve our country.
I always ask my kids if they want to see a REAL SUPER HERO and they yes; and I'll point to the men and women in uniform.
Go to Vegas and always bet on black and don't forget to double down.
Sounds like things are going well for you FitChik. Thats good. Glad to hear. I agree with jaguilar. Bet on black. Seems to work.
Do you play poker also? Thats one of my favorite games. I used to play with the navy guys all the time when I lived in Jacksonville, FL. Haven't really been able to get enough people to play in Dallas.
Kevin
Maybe you should avoid emailing him. Give him some time to think his actions through. And this will give you some time to think things through too.
Make that trip to Vegas, break out the little black dress and hit the strip! You deserve it.
And I don't know if I told you this but Thank you for everything that you do to protect and serve our country.
I always ask my kids if they want to see a REAL SUPER HERO and they yes; and I'll point to the men and women in uniform.
Go to Vegas and always bet on black and don't forget to double down.
My pleasure....
I went black for awhile and it produced good results. My H and I are finally being friendly again - so for now I want to hopefully continue that and re-establish a good line of communication. I think going dark for a few days (or longer) sometimes is a great idea.
Regardless if I go dark, I know he has plenty of extra time to think! H is bored out of his mind over there right now.
I am excited about Vegas. My best girlfriend and I have been trying to take a fun trip - but she kept getting pregnant! Now is the time to go before it happens again :-)
Kevin-
How are you doing this morning? I know how to play but never play. Seems like a fun male bonding activity.
I'm doing good this morning. I slept well last night. And am ready for a long day at work. I am really trying to focus on all the good things I have coming up and not on my Hs and my R. I think I have analyzed it enough for my entire lifetime these past few months. I am very satisfied our M is in the Lord's hand and everything will play out in time.
It's always a good day when I can say something like that and mean it :-). I should read back on that post when I'm having a hard time....
What's going Fit? How are you?
Hey Jag - I'm good. How are you doing?
I had a pretty good day. Work was busy and the day flew by... I got a good workout in also.
I am doing some research on a bible verse that has continued to pop up in my reading for over a month now. Hosea 3 - Hosea is commanded by God to reconcile with his wife who had committed adulterey. Talk about great lessons on hardship, unconditional love, and forgiveness. So I am googling & learning :-)
Ha! I just got an e-mail from H only saying... will you please go to the deputy's office today? (D papers are there) Should I just ignore him?
I honestly do not have time tomorrow and do not feel obligated to pick them up.
Why does he continue to nag me?
Haha... just received another email from H in response to an e-mail I sent him. His reply was "I'm not answering you until you pick up those papers".
I feel like I'm in elementary school.... I feel like he's throwing a temper tantrum.
He is throwing a temper tantrum
SO go dark and don't pick up the papers.
What's he gonna do--leave Iraq and come home and fuss at you?
Ignore his emails. Oh, and if they have not reserved you before then--on April 1st, email him, tell him you picked them up, then type April Fools and go dark again.
that was said tongue in cheek and is in no way a real suggestion, I just want you to smile
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
:-) I like it! A reaction like that deserves no response....
You'd think H would have learned by now that nagging generally causes the opposite reponse that is desired. A daily reminder is not going to encourage me and is just irritating. Like I really could forget I have D papers waiting anyway!
I have a funny gut feeling that H will call me this morning and do more nagging. I'll find out if my gut is right....
What do you think he believes he accomplishes by continuing to nag me? Do I need to set a boundary with him?
Hey Fit,
I'm doing good. It's raining over here, yuck. Had lunch with my daughter at her school.
I agree go dark.
(((((FitChik))))))
Hope your day is going well. I love SMW's April Fool suggestion!
I love the suggestion too! If I looking to be retaliatory, it would be great. However by DB protocol, I don't think it would improve our R :-).
No further contact from H today and I ignored his e-mails. I was hoping to build on our friendly interactions lately but the D will be a road block. From the beginning I told him I will not contribute to a D and will not aid the process along. I will let things play out how they're going to play out.
It's been another busy day. Unfortunately I'll have no relaxation time this weekend. I'm heading up to Seattle for a medicine class both days - 12 hrs days with driving. At least it will aid in the no contact with my H...
Just got back from church tonight - and what do you know?? It's a message on how to close the door to D. He used a funny analogy of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse to talk about the 4 behaviors that can contribute to a D (criticsm, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) and how to fix them. It also had some good points about the D stats continue to rise with each M etc... It was very informative and entertaining. How I wish my H could have been there!
I am tempted to get a copy and mail it to H overseas - but am unsure of his response. Would this been seen at pursuing behavior?
Had a decent weekend. I am continuing to realize how little time I have left before deploying and how much I have to get done... and that's without any kind of legal action with from a D! I wish I could fast forward and know the end result from this mess :-)
No further communication from my H this weekend. I am guessing he's still in game playing mode and is "withholding" any communication until I pick up the D papers. My bet is it lasts until he again asks me to pick up the papers tomorrow. Haha! It's hysterical he believes his game will change my course of action. I hope he realized how silly he's being....
I am very much as peace with everything right now. I have a lot of work to keep me busy and have some fun trips & events to enjoy before deploying. Our M is very important but is completely out of my control and will play out with time. I would love to enjoy everything with my H but am very happy without him also :-)
Hey Fit,
Glad to hear you had a great weekend. Took my kiddos to see Monsters vs. Aliens, it was hilarious. But you've got to watch it in 3D.
Just curious, how long was your H married before?
The movie sounds like fun! I haven't seen a 3D one in awhile.
My H was previously married for 3 years and then Ded for 3 years when I met him.
It was great. They don't give you the cheesey blue and red glasses that fall apart, they actually give you a pair that look kinda cool.
Got a call from H today. He was calling to ask about picking up the D papers and we got into a discussion about them. I won't bore you with the details - but he is frustrated I will not just pick them up. And I continue to validate his frutration and let him know there is a process in place to serve me but I will not contribute to the process by picking them up.
Yuck! He continues to tell me he doesn't want to married to me and wants to move with his life. He says he was foolish and mistaken by getting involved with me. I deal with it better than I used to but it still upsets me. I am trying to cope with the possiblity of a D happening. But I still believe in our M and our future. It's difficult.
Part of me thinks I'm crazy for believing in a M when my H says the things he does.... but it's hard to differentiate between the truth and lies from H. I am beyond knowing what to think and what to do.
How long did you date before you got married? Do you think there is an OW?
We dated about a year. No other women. He got cold feet a few months after we got married while on our honeymoon and cut loose after that. Wonderful, huh? He filed a few months later before deploying so that he wouldn't have to deal with anything when he got back.
I don't know what's wrong with me today. It's a tough one. I cannot stop crying
Hey Fit,
It's ok to cry. I cried a lot in the beginning. Hell I cried last Thursday after my run. It's ok, let it out. Or go for a run.
I've cried a lot too but it's gotten a lot better these past few months. When a tough day hits and I am emotional, it is almost harder to handle b/c I'm not used to it! That's a very good sign. It's been one of those days where my head is pounding and all I want to do is go to sleep...
It's sp weird how one minute I'm on top of the world thinking, I can do this. Then the next I' like, what do I do?
Since my MIL is here, she wants me to eat. SHe says you need to eat, so she makes home made tortillas. I can feel the pounds growing on me!
Random thoughts these past few days....
I never envisioned the day I would be DBing while my H is in Iraq. I am supposed to be in TX right now and deploying to meet up with H this month. My replacement just arrived here in WA to take my spot so that I could move and be with my H. I am not sure where she will go now that I am staying in WA. I am still trying to cope, accept, and move on. It's very surreal at times. I still feel a huge sense of loss at times.
I try not to sit and dwell about our sitch but I am guilty of it at times. When I notice I am having a pity party, I dis-invite myself and kick myself out of it :-). I hope I am coping and grieving in a healthy fashion.
I am still amazed my H has coped so well but it is his decision to D and I believe he is stuffing down his emotions - which will definitely bite him later. He chooses to deal with things by moving on and never really deal with them. It works for him but I see the excess baggage he has accumulated over the years.
I hope a good night sleep with rest my mind and help me re-focus.
It's sp weird how one minute I'm on top of the world thinking, I can do this. Then the next I' like, what do I do?
Yup. I have finally reached a place I am holding steady most of the time. But I continue to have the highs and the lows sometimes. Enjoy the tortillas. Yummy
Me too. I never thought I'd see myself in this sitch ether, none of us did. But what's that saying - It's not how hard you hit, it's hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
I've felt the pain of death in my family, thank God I still have my parents BUT this void, this hole is H U G E and at times, I think it will never go away. But each day that goes by can only make us stronger.
Thanks for your encouragement. It is much needed today :-)
I know one the first things we are supposed to grasp is to believe nothing our S says.
My H told me so many things this morning that just don't add up. He says he cheated in all of his previous Rs - which he told me he was always faithful. And everything he told me were just lines & thiings you say to women and he didn't mean any of them. And our vows were just words.
I just don't know what to believe or think at this point. Is this truly who he is or is he just pushing my buttons? It's hard to decifer anything!!
It is hard to decipher. My wife tells me things that are cruel as well. In my mind, they do this to make it easier to execute and justify what they are doing. Mine has told me everything from I'm an emotional toddler to stop acting like I'm 12 to she doesn't love me and so on. Let's put it this way. What obligation did he have to marry you? None is the answer--he wanted to do it. He may have cheated in his previous relationships--I could see why he wouldn't tell you this previously. The rest sounds like garbage to justify his actions.
Yeah, it all sounds like garbage to me also. He is trying to justify his actions and why things won't work. I guess it makes him feel better. I just don't know what to do with this many anymore... I wish I didn't love him so much! :-)
Yeah, I hear you. I still love my wife too. It took her being mean to me for me to emotionally detach. I honestly don't think at this point she is going to come to her senses and while there is always hope from what I'm learning, you need to act as if you may be getting a divorce so you are prepared in the event it happens. It is tough, I know. Be strong!
Same here. I have been able to emotionally detach a lot. I also don't think H will come to his senses. It will be the hand of God speaking to him for that to happen - and he states he doesn't have faith anymore. I have hope for a miracle but I do not envision one in the near future.
I am trying to cope & act like we're getting Ded. Some days are better than others. I'm sure once I have been served and get a L - it will become very real!
He is trying to justify his actions and why things won't work.
This is one of the hardest things for me to wrap my brain around. The other person has to want things to work. My wife doesn't want things to work and it sounds like your husband doesn't want things to work either. So, how do you make them want to make it work? Tough question. So far, for what I can make out, getting a life it part of it. You have to make him think that you are awesome and he would be a fool to give you up. You're still deployed, right? Take some pics of you having fun with some other people--I know there are guys where you are at. Not saying to do anything wrong but hey, he can draw his own conclusions about what's happening as he's making you guess about what his plans are probably. Hope you have a good day!
They have to decide that for themselves. My H continues to tell me he doesn't want it to work and never will again. I am not sure how you enter a M and decide so quick you don't want it to work. I think that part will always be a mystery and it the hardest part for me. I never got a chance to truly know our potential together and that will always haunt me.
I have sent some pics of me skiing and hiking and had responses from that. He asked if I found some guys to hang out with :-). I am still learning to manage our R will be hold for a while and possibly will never be resolved. I will keep hope though :-)
Fit,
It's hard to manage an R when he is over there and you're here. It's also to talk to tough from that distance as well.
Why don't you send him and his buddies a care package? Cookies, gum you know the routine.
Drop a little note in there, just thinking about you and friends...be safe.
Something like that...
Great suggestion. I am doing little things like that but nothing over the top.
I really don't feel like I know this man right now. I am so confused about everything at this point. I am sure I get clarity after I've digested some of the stuff we've talked about lately.
Yup, I hear you. I feel like I don't know my W. But I'm sure she feels the same way about me right now.
How was your day today? How are those Vegas plans coming along? I trying to convince my best friend from high school to go with me in June.
My day was ok. Work is stressful right now but will be for awhile. I am learning a lot, which is great!
No more Vegas planning yet. I am also going with my BF from high school! I hope to look into it more this weekend. I am taking a trip in a few weeks up to Whistler, Canada to ski for a few days! It is supposed to have awesome skiing and a really neat place to visit. I am trying to enjoy my free time as much as possible before deploying!
You're deploying in a few months right?
I sure am. Heading to Afghanistan in a few months
I got a random e-mail from my H asking again for my MC's name & number. What prompted that?? I am guessing one of his brigade's chaplains stopped in and talked with him about our sitch - as they have been trying to do that for months now but it never has happened. And somehow from that conversation, my H has decided to talk with my MC.
I thought one of two things - #1 he is so pissed & angry he will talk with my MC to make it crystal clear is done with our M.... or #2 he could have an honest conversation with the guy about his point of view.
Of course my mind was stuck on #1 all day... but I just realized regardless the purpose, it is still a great opportunity. It's a chance for him to get out his feelings and share his side (which he has told almost nobody about our sitch) and most importantly a chance for God to speak to my H. I am adding their encounter to my prayers! God works in mysterious ways.....
(((FitChik)))
Mysterious ways...Amen!
Praying for you.
Fit,
Don't over think it. Don't push him either, give him the number and let it work itself out.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Hey FitChick
Short answer: Validation of their anger without taking it on the chin is good. Yes you determine the boundaries.
I do not get on this site much anymore but I was deployed 4 years ago and got a dear John in the mail so I am somewhat familiar with the territory.
As far as the papers and such make the plantiff do all the work
You probably can drag this out til past your deployment.
Have you talked to a Jag.
I will say i am sorry for your situation I do not wish it on anyone. Trying to save my M while in Al Anbar was like fighting a war with 1/3 of my brain tied behind my back. Yes i did my job and well enough but it was such a struggle that combat was a fine release from the mental anguish. Hated when the bad guys ran from my Marines.
On the other hand upon crossing the great divide reguardless if its due to and IED or Alzeimers I can stand up and say i fought the best i could.
I wish you luck and Michelle's books are worth the read. This site as any marketing device promises more than it delivers but I would be willing to bet the stats of people following Michelle's advice do better than the Hollywood method of pursuing. At absolute worst it will do you good.
I talked to a person a year ago who actually did pay for Michelle's services and stated though she did not wish to stay Married to her X who was filing she felt the difference between the book and Michelle in person was well worth it.
I'd get you other books am on TAD out of town for a bit. (Am in the reserves and do Active time whenever)
Have a good one
No_Hill
Thanks Song!
Funny thing is I was pessimistic about my H's intentions all day long. But it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight that regardless of his intents, it is a great opportunity and I believe God will use it in some way. If nothing else, it will give my H a release and hopefully help him out a little bit.
I will not bring it up to H. I never once have pushed him about it and he keeps mentioning it to me....
No Hill,
Thanks for your response.
I have talked with Jag. I probably can drag it out in accordance to a military act that prevents proceedings while deployed. I have that option and am unsure if I will exercise it right now.
I feel for all of our military members going through hard times with their families - as it is very, very common. Deployments are hard enough without extra stresses at home. I respect your ability to endure both.
Thank you for your service No Hill!
Yes, same here No Hill...thanks for everything that you do (you too Fit) for our country.
Have a good one. I do wish you the best of outcomes. I did the Al Anbar thing in 04/05.
Have a good one
No_Hill
Thanks No Hill. It will be a life changing experience. I honestly have no idea what we're in for but am ready to serve. I wish you the best as well.
FITCHK
I was a JAG in the first Gulf War and later in the reserves. It's the Sailor's & Soldiers Civil Relief Act that prevents judgements from being entered against you in court if you are serving overseas and due to that service, are unable to defend your interests in court....BUT if you don't show up and are served, then you could have a judgement rendered against you, which you could later have vacated citing that statute. (Doubtful your h would do that given that he is also active duty and is there now, correct? )
Since you have tried one approach, ie pursuing, albeit from a long distance, maybe you can try a 180 sometime? Have you read the DB books? Just to say that you don't seem to say much about trying a diff approach. I KNOW you are not in the normal sitch, I get that. But 180's would still be good and you COULD do them in the emails and talks. DrHem- gave some great advice.
Any chance he wants to be free to "play" overseas b/c he doesn't want to have to maintain fidelity? Maybe he just wants to "take a time out" until he's back? Just a thought, b/c the m was a short one. Does not mean this doesn't suck for you, but it's a valid question given the time in the M, or relative lack thereof. What happened in his first M? Kids? Any pattern? How was the dating and engagement?
Do what you need to do so YOU can focus on keeping yourself alive and those relying on you to do YOUR job as well. If you obsess too much, it's dangerous, literally. I always hated WAS when they had spouses in combat zones...used to lecture them SO much...btw, many of them left my office WITHOUT div papers that's for sure..."yeah, come back LATER when you've really thought it out you selfish pathetic #$%^&" I think may have come out of my mouth on occasion.
Ooops...oh well....made MY day easier...
Good luck, and don't lose all hope. I have relatives who actually divorced only to remarry years later. Yes, YEARS later. But the 2nd time around was better and lasted until death, or is still going on.
And it is b/c of DBing, and God's help that I am where I am now. I would not have predicted this 2 years ago. But it IS a longer road than your whole M has been, so if you really really want it you better buckle in for the long haul. We did mc but H was unreachable and had to find his own way however weird or incomprehensible it was to me. But I have to say it was DBing that helped me the most. And answer your h's questions about why you want to be married to him with more than ILY...I think he needs reasons..just a hunch. But then, do it in view of the fact that you have not really done any 180's of note, have you? A day or two of a behavior, let alone from such a distance, is NOT a 180 that you can measure. I'd keep ALL the talk light and upbeat...and NO R talk at all.
For now. Also consider a DB coaching session. Of the many many things I did to help myself, GAL and PMA, etc. the single most important thing was the DB coaching...specific, clear. And of course part of that is GAL...are you? I saw the trips planned---yay!! Good for you...
take care, and Carry On...
(( j ))
Hey J,
Thanks for your respone. I've seem many of your posts and you always give great advice... and great 2x4s :-)!!
I have read both DB & DR. I have done some 180s with good results. Had good results with no R talks, sending pics from adventures I've taken, and decreasing regular e-mails with him and sending an occasional e-mail with a crazy experience or humor. I've had mixed results with sending small care packages. I was away at training for a month (little communication with H) and when I got back our R was the best it had been in several months. He was calling me just to chat and was friendly.
I tried to avoid R talks like the plague however we hit a big bump when I came back - D papers! I was not home when they attempted to serve me (away in Cali) and they have yet to come back. I have not picked them up b/c honestly I have not gotten off work early enough and do not feel obligated to pick them up. H is reluctant to serve me at work???? But is very angry I do not have the papers. You do the math :-).
I do think he doesn't want the obligation of working on a M while deployed. I also deploy this summer - so it will be close to 2 years apart. I offered to have us take a "time out", remain friends, and pick back up once back - but H did not want that.
I have come to learn fidelity is an issue for him. This week he admitted he has cheated on all of his other long-term GFs/ex-wife - which he lied about during our courtship. Just learned some other great info this morning... H told me this morning he slept with another woman in Nov while on a trip. I knew he went away for a weekend w/o me but of course naively believed he went by himself. This happened two weeks after the bomb - but damn!! Also states he has slept with someone over in Iraq since deploying. I've been out of sight, out of mind for quite awhile now. It's been a great day....
I have come to learn a lot about his character. H seems like a charming, upstanding guy and I believe he wants to be this man. However it is not his true character... Seems to really thrive & enjoy the attention of woman without having the commitment. It seems like he needs it for his self-esteem - more so than the average person.
I honestly think H thought he wanted marriage & the whole package, had doubts, but went through with the M anyways. And he quickly realized it's not what he wants. What a better way to prove it then fly away for a weekend and cheat... It makes me nauseous. I still will never understand why you would give up on a M so quickly. I learned a lot this morning and have to digest it all.....
This has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with - and I'm a tough woman! I have learned a lot about myself, about Rs, and most importantly have grown so much in my R with God. The Lord has renewed me so many times and kept me afloat during this whole process. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for our M... but have complete faith & trust everything will be ok.
My H, like yours was, is unreachable and has to find his own way. I can do nothing for him but to let him go right now. Will he come back to me? I have no idea but I know I have to completely let it go. I am sorry it appears our M will be sacrified to make that happen right now. But I will never lose hope and trust in God.
Our M aside, I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months and am actually ready to deploy. I have a lot of other great things to focus on in my life :-)
(((((FitChik))))),
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - your faith is inspirational. I'm so sorry you keep getting discouraging revelations from your H, but your unwavering faith and commitment gives me courage and hope for my own sit, and I thank you so much for sharing your journey with us.
You were one of the first people here to give me advice, and even though you are going through such a difficult time, you still check in on me and help keep my spirits up. Your kindness and generosity of spirit is evident, and God will reward you. You remain in my prayers, and I have a huge amount of respect for you.
Thank you for your contribution to this community, and for your service to our country. You are a hero, and I salute you!
Thank you Song. You brought tears to my eyes. You always lift me up when I am struggling. Today was one of those days I desperately needed encouragement... so thank you. Your words mean a lot. I will keep you in my prayres as well :-)
I'm still in the midst of processing all the new info I received yesterday. I was overwhelmingly sad & felt "disguisting" yesterday - lots & lots of tears. I feel like taking off my ring & changing my name back pronto - but that's all emotionally driven. Today I've been able to focus on work, which has been great. I got a lot of anger & frustration out in my workout today.
It feels like our entire R was a scam and full of falsehood. I feel like I was used & disgarded. It is extremely disheartening. I am just letting myself feel the emotions as they come & dealing....
I have my next appt with my MC tomorrow. I hope he will be able to help me cope.
Hey Fit,
Just now signing on and catching up here. Hang in there...
I'm ok. I met with my MC today and discussed everything with him. It was good to talk with him but don't feel like I got a lot of advice/help to help me cope. I'm not sure there is much help right now besides time.
I've been super busy at work - so not a lot of time to process everything yet. Not quite sure what to think yet...... I still don't think it has hit me that my H actually was with other women. I'm kind of waiting for the impact???
Well...the other shoe has dropped. And now you know. It will settle in and at some point you will feel anger and it will be natural and appropriate. I will grant him some Kudos for blurting out all the crap now so you know, and so you can "get it" and he doesn't have the inconvenience of having to hassle with someone as great as you, wasting love on him...(what a FOOL he is!....oh what a fool...)
Everyone wants to give you a comforting platitude right now, including me. Some...two sentence 'Cheer you up!" mantra to get you through a terrible discovery.
I don't want to be trite. But there are some universal truths to remind yourself of...
yet you already know them...Okay, here goes the first one...Better to find out now than after years of waiting for him to "get it"...imagine posting on this site in 5 or 10 years, with THIS same problem? Having wasted your best years in a "unilaterally celibate" marriage, AND 2) be glad you won't be missing the opportunity to either meet a truly great guy, or to have left your h so he can make the changes he needs to make in order to deserve you, and 3) thank GOD you don't have children with this man, b/c as he is right now, he's "no catch"...and would fail your children badly. That would deepen your pain even more. And don't fall into the trap of thinking "he was the ONLY one I'd have kids with so now I won't have ANY"....BS...if you want children, you'll have them one way or another...PLEASE....
Try hard not to blame yourself for "being so blind" b/c we ALL feel that way even after years of M, if our spouse does something we never expected. There is only so much value in that exercise. But sure, It's worth looking at IF you missed some obvious signs or someone warned you and you blew them off. The fact that he had cheated on his first wife is a big flag -- but if I recall correctly, he denied it while you were dating? You only just learned that? That stinks. Makes you want to do background checks on dates and that's no way to live.
So if you can honestly say there were no flags, then drop the matter and move on. And if there were some warning flags that you chose to ignore b/c you just "loved him so much" (ie so much you didn't want to know the "real him") than learn from that. Don't repeat the same mistake, and move on. See? Either way, you move on at some point. Sensing a pattern?
Does this make it ALL hopeless? Well it is NOT hopeFUL...but I never say a sitch is hopeless. Seems to me he wishes he were a better man but has not paid much of a consequence for being a louse. So we'll have to see. He needs to face some loss or his course of action more or less DOES pay off, so why would he change it?
Once the approach he's used starts to hurt him, or he feels alone, he'll do some soul searching but even then, suppose he comes back to you or finds another woman and "wants" to be faithful? Don't know if he can be. Like some people are just so selfish be nature they really cannot give up meaningful things for long no matter how much they should. He doesn't seem to have the discipline or life skills you and I have to make it when we are lonely.
I have been apart from my h for months at a time (military, schooling, and then the MLC and now his mom's cancer) and I know I've been faithful (28 years this summer, though I DO notice good looking men...but the "equation" I had to do when I was first married, the "talking oneself out of"...takes nanoseconds now...b/c I "get it"...already thought it out decades ago and KNEW it was wrong and I could not handle long term deceit, the look in my kids' eyes or the thought of my h finding out and being as hurt as he would be if I were to cheat on him....It is that image that I had, and of my kids, that stopped me in my tracks. For whatever reason, your h and some other spouses on this board, lack that ability. Sometimes there is hatred and resentment, but sometimes it is a character flaw in them that means they'd cheat even if there were NO problems at home....
and of course I've had chances to cheat just as you do. As YOU know, the Army is 86% men...and I know my h has been invited and flirted with and I believe he has also been faithful. 4 of m 5 brothers have been and 3 were military. There are men who are faithful even when apart. But it takes a specific mind set your h has never yet displayed. Has he ever been truly in love, or does he have to "love" the one he's with?
Tragically, if he is the latter, he's bad news for you and himself and anyone he gets tangled up with.
You are on the right track. Once he "gets" what he has ost, he'll move on at first. But when those long nights get lonely and the only women he meets, if any, are one night stands....geeeeeee, you may be getting some letters then.
Until if and when that happens the "best revenge" ( we all have moments where that is our goal and wish) and the only route for your happiness are one and the same; i.e., your happiness.
So how's the GAL and PMA going? Set up some goals for youself, NONE of which have anything to do with him. Also - ask yourself what you'd be spending your time and energy doing if you weren't missing him or acheing for him/b/c of him? Writing? Hiking? Outdoorsy or Vegasy things? DO THEM...No reason not to now.
I'm sorry you are in pain FC...but I know you are strong and you have a little time to wrap your brain around the fact that like MANY smart, brave, strong women, you loved a man with big flaws who was not able to love you the way you deserve.
Might be someday. Isn't now...soooo, NEXT!!
Start swimming to the other side of the lake without looking back at the shore. When you get to the other side, you'll feel so much better than you do now. And IF he wants it bad enough, he can swim across to see you and show you that he's changed and is diff THEN...but until IF AND WHEN that happens, you have to propel yourself forward b/c very soon there will be folks counting on your full UNdivided attention and those soldiers will deserve your time and attention and at this point, does he really? No. They will, so focus first on you, your healing and then the mission. Later for him...("later" as in maybe never but definitely not now...)
Keep up the good work and thanks for serving again...
I would say semper fi but I'm no Marine, and don't know your branch!...
(( j ))
Great words of wisdom 25. Stay focused Fit, this will only make you stronger.
Wow J! I'm not even sure where to start. Thanks for your great advice. It's nice to have it all put together and spelled out.
It is much better to find out now than later. My H continued to tell me I would be better in the long run if I would let him go now.... and I never understand why he said that to me. Of course now I know.
H wants to be a good man but has big flaws (like we all do!). I honestly feel for him b/c his flaws are from a tough upbringing. He has never experienced real love or support from his family or in relationships.... but he definitely has had chances and has ran away from them.
However we can all chose to work through our past and not be victims from it. We will always carry some baggage from it but it can also give us strength and character. Unfortunately he choses to let his flaws run his life out of defense....
I hope he does realize the huge loss he's endured eventually. And I hope it is for his benefit so he will get his act together, work on himself, and find the happiness he is searching for.
It's heartbreaking watching someone you love behave wrecklessly & be self-destructive (as well as hurting those around him!). I believe deep down he knows he is troubled but like you said 25mlc, needs to experience loss for it to make a real impact. Sad part is he has endured some big losses and it hasn't made a big enough dent..... I am almost frightened to know how hard he has to be hit! He's just a recipe for disaster but puts up the defenses and drives on....
I have a lot to look forward to. I am strangely motivated for our deployment. It is the reason I decide to join the Army so now is my chance. I will get a life-changing experience and lots of medical practice.
I am taking a ski trip with some friends up to Whistler, Canada for a few days next week, which I am sooo excited about! I made sure to tell my H I was going with a few guy buds - which is true.... and he made sure to bring to my attention again :-).
In May I am climbing Mt Rainier - all 14,411 feet!! I have never took on this kind of endeavour... so I need to get into great shape!! It will take up a lot of training time & prep time.
And I will be heading to Vegas with my best GF (who is a mom of 2 children and hasn't taken a vacation away from them yet!). We're definitely going to get into some trouble and get decked out!
I am still unsure what to do legally. I have just been going with the flow and seeing how everything plays out. I hope I will gain some clarity after all of this new info soaks in. At this point, I am not even sure the D will go through before I leave unless I press it. I feel I need a L - even though we have nothing joint and I have no big assests. But I have zero trust left at this point for my H. I never dreamed I would be going through a D only several months after a getting married or that my H would be non-chalantly sleeping with other W.... so how can I trust anything at this point??
It's a good idea to get an L.
It's a good idea to get an L.
yeah, I know..... boo.
I know you don't want too. Neither do I but we need check with them to see what legal rights we have.
I don't want the divorce but I'm just trying to educate myself, so she can't just throw out some BS to try to scare me.
Nothing new to report. No further contact from H.
I woke up this morning having a disturbing dream regarding my H being with another woman. It started my day off with tears & sadness. I feel physically nauseous & sick thinking about everything.
I have been praying & fasting for a breakthrough in our sitch and I wonder if that was part of it - for me to learn the truth about my H. However I can't help but wonder what the actual truth is at this point. It's hard to decifer what is false (to get me to go through with the D) and what is truth. Uuugggg.
I am continuing to pray for my H, our M, and will wait for God's guidance how to proceed. I really have idea what what He will ask of me next. I am about 20 days into my fast with only liquids and have another 20 to go! I have been receiving some amazing support from people God has obviously placed in my life right now to lift me up and support me.... and everyone on here is part of it :-)
Journaling.
It's been a tough 24 hours. I am feeling worn out.
I received some sobering info yesterday about my upcoming deployment and it's not pretty! It's going to be a very rough year. My mind is turning right now. I have a lot of fears and uneasiness about it. I know God will equip me with the skills I need but He's given me a big plate. So I was already upset this morning.....
Then I saw on the news there was another major attack at the city my H is at with 5 US casualties. Even if my H is ok, it's hard having a loved one in the area that's impacted and to know it's having an impact on him. And there is absolutely nothing I can do.... It is very difficult and makes me upsest.
And I am frustrated there is so much chaos going on in my life that I am having a hard time focusing on the real purpose behind today - Good Friday. Just one of those days....
Hang in there FitChik. I'm praying for you.
I know things are extremely difficult for you right now, and I know you remember what a difficult day it was for Jesus 1976 years ago today.
Better days are ahead.
FC--
I posted something in Prayer Circle that might help. Trust in the Lord.
Living God's blessings with gravce and dignity~
SMW
Thanks song & SMW. It's been a tough day.
My H called to let me know he is alive & well. He opened up more and there is yet more to the story.
States the OW he slept with was someone he dated from work in Maryland and she by "coincidence" moved to TX (and ended up in the same town at him). States he slept with her on & off the entire time we dated, after we were engaged, and even the month after we were married. States he is ILW her. He claims she knew about me and that we got married?? Also states she knows he has slept with 2 OW since deploying?? Not sure I believe this....
States he thought he was ILW me but was not. I asked why if he liked her so much (since she moved to TX to be with him) did he start dating me?? Why was it me he decided to marry when she was in TX the whole time? Just so confusing!!!!
Any thoughts?
One of our mutual friends called tonight (my H's best man). He confirmed there was another woman he dated who wanted to move down to TX to be with him (2 years ago)... but my H's response was he didn't want her to move, didn't like her, and she wasn't the girl for him. But apparantely she moved anyways.... and ends up to the OW my H now wants to be with??? Our friend was completely shocked the OW did move to TX and also to the fact my H was sleeping with her the entire duration of our R & M.
It's been a lot to digest. My whole sitch was so confusing before and makes a lot more sense now that I seem to have the truth. However my H is still a mystery :-)
I am numb as to how I proceed at this point. I will continue to seek God's direction and pray for clarity as to how I move forward.... and what to do with our M.
Dear Fitchk
OUCH!!!... sooo, let me see. First off, see a JAG L b/c they're free and what on earth do you have to lose? If they tell you that you need a civilian attorney (can't recall where you are stationed) get one. Big deal, you'll meet them at least once and get info but MAKE SURE they have experience with the military (maybe a former JAG in the area). There may not be an advantage to divorcing now, except if you want to date, and I KNOW what your answer is to that...but make sure you are not responsible for his debts, and change your SGLI and other beneficiaries. You don't want OW to benefit in any way from your demise or injury and trust me, I've seen some ugly situations in war and with marriages...
Okay, is it possible that God wants you to know all this b/c it's clear that you are not meant to be married to this man? Is that possible? We all have free will and maybe there were signs before the M (obviously there were, but did you get any of them?) that you overlooked or ignored, or didn't want to face or were too needy to see, and unfortunately you are being slammed with a lot of info now and all of it is pointing away from M to him now. I mean what is your real confusion about?
You are wondering now, how far off you were with your vision of him? I guess pretty far. So was at least one of his friends, who would have been a better man to have told YOU and or told your h to tell you the truth before the m...but that's not how it played out and now you know.
What else are you expecting to have happen or to find out, before you'll "know" what it is you are wanting to know? I mean for ME, God's clarity has never been a lightning strike. I've had to pray and sort of get thru some fog and see that it's kind of a 60/40 thing for ME probably b/c of the way I analyze. Maybe it's much clearer to Him...but for me, in your sitch, it IS clear.
So my question is, what are you waiting for as a sign? And is it all about whether to file or wait? Or are you thinking your h will "get it" and "wake up" and rush back to you realizing that ALL of the past was just one big mistake?
It wasn't. It's a PATTERN of behavior and the only reason I can imagine that he is telling you all this now, is to get through to you that it is over. Your sitch is short, and pretty dramatic and not that confusing as he is NOT loving to you, or acting in a conflicted way. He's just not a husband type although he's telling himself it's all about choosing wrong on his end and that NOW he found the RIGHT one so NOW he'll be a great h....uh huh...sure....it's not HIM, it's YOU and the other ex w, and the other gf's before...they were all the wrong women and now he has the RIGHT one and NOW he'll be faithful to HER...
yeah, whatever. Pray that he gets better and doesn't get killed there or die a jerk. And focus on yourself. Are you sure the fast is a good idea? Are you discussing it with your doctor? It concerns me on a number of levels. Don't confuse fasting with getting your h back. You are sufferring enough. Geez, get a gallon of ice cream or something...a bottle of good wine and a long bubble bath and cry and rent chick flicks, etc.
I think the mountain climb is GREAT and I wish I were younger. Damn, I hate writing that out! IT's a definite regret though, as I got pregnant after qualifying for airborne so I never went and got my wings. And climbing some serious mountains was also on my list but with little ones it gets too crazy and suddenly you are in your late 40's...(maybe it's not too late/???)
Back to YOU...I think I've said enough FC...I think you know the answers. But you sure don't like them and neither would I. Ask God for strength, b/c somehow I think he IS giving you guidance...it's the follow up that sucks for you right now.
But hey, I'm human and I could be way off. But dang, your h is probably doing you a favor by dumping all this crap onto you now. Call him in 5 years and maybe he'll be healed, but no, do not tell him this!! IT only works if he thinks he's lost you and he does not think that now. In fact, it is hard to miss someone you know you can have. IF IF there is any chance of a reconciliation I think it's from losing you and winning you back as he is not the type to spontaneously treat you well. This isn't a fluke for him, which is the terrible news. This is him. I think that is what he's trying to say to you.
I'd treat him like an alcoholic who just realized he has a problem, but he is not YOUR problem...he is HIS problem, and OW's I suppose...some catch for her...
I think the hardest thing for you right now is that you are finding out how long term the deceit was. So you wonder if your perceptions about anyone or anything are on target. This is a natural response to news that would floor anyone. But go back to my earlier post. Get c and find out what you overlooked IF anything. Maybe your h is the greatest actor of all time and ALL the good times were lies...He should go to Hollywood. Missed his true calling.
But maybe he's just a cheater who likes "feeling in love" and having lots of women in his life, as w's, as OW's, etc. There are guys like that. Some of them are around you in the military. But I just wish that the ONE guy you are supposed to be with who is out there now...won't get shrugged off b/c you are "with" your h...legally.
Someday you'll meet a man like many of the ones here. And he won't lie or cheat. He'll be a good man and you'll be happy together. In the meantime, fix whatever there is to fix in you, and heal....
I have said enough and you have had to "learn" enough for now for anyone. You must focus on the mission. My older brother is there now in Afghan, and just left from Iraq. He likes the adrenaline rush I can tell, and will likely lose his "new" wife as their m is about 4 years old and 3 of them he has chosen to be overseas in Iraq. When he returns to the US, as NO war lasts forever, he'll return to an empty home I think...and his d18 will be in college and she won't really know him either...and he'll "get it" when he turns about 60. My FIRST sil, is lucky my brother left her 10 years ago. She was so hurt back then, but she met a good man who has been a great step dad to my niece as my brother has gone off and hunted for adventure and adrenaline-- to keep him from looking within or whatever it is that motivates him to "keep striving, never arriving..."etc. There is a thread of that in your h, but my brother never actually cheated on his w so I have to hand that to him.
FC, forgive me, but your h has a pattern of being a really lousy h and bf. He is consistently bad at it. What else can I say? I'm so sorry!
My real question is about your past. Have you chosen poorly before? What were your other bf's like? Is there something in who you choose, or was this man, your h, the first time you've been way off? I'm hopeful you can gain insight here in case you played some role so that you won't have this horrible experience again. But there might be nothing here but dang, EXPLORE IT...who wants this again? No one. Good luck,
(( j ))
holy sh3##t!!
my H just called me and told me it was all a lie! states he never cheated on me. states he made it up b/c it was what i wanted to hear b/c it would fit into my religious beliefs. i am even more pissed than before!!! why in the world would anybody play games like this? it's making me so mad! i just want the freaking truth w/o all of the horse crap!
FitChk,
You have all the "truth" you need, don't you? His friend said things about cheating that HE knew of, and the OW who moved there and kept seeing him when you married...come on, you know what you need to know. Not all the details, true. Not where one lie began and another started...but so what?
He's in no shape to be your h now if he ever was. And he's in no position to throw darts at your beliefs. Is it POSSIBLE you are pushing for details when they are not necessary? And btw, what the heck is HE talking about anyhow? "What you wanted to hear"....please...."adultery"?? Sure, we ALL WANT THAT...what world does he live in?
Just asking...and I AM SORRY you are going thru this crap. It IS CRAP...
(( j ))
It definitely is CRAP! :-) Our friend said he never knew my H cheated and was very shocked when I told him. He said he knew the OW wanted to move but didn't think she had. My H confirmed today that she didn't.... or so he says now. Our friend actually asked last night if H could be making all this up to push me away. BINGO! I wondered if he was lying b/c there were a lot of holes in his story that didn't match up. So H is not a cheater... just a big fat liar :-).
Yeah, he said it made me feel better to hear he cheated on me and that's what I wanted to hear. I am not sure what world he is living in right now. I was so thrilled I was nauseous all week long and was hysterically crying a lot of the week??
Like you said J, bottom line is H is in no shape to be a H right now. I think he jumped in to a M too fast and wasn't ready. I'm definitely not excusing it but that's the reality. I still think it's CRAP. It's like buying a hot new car and not being able to make the payments.
He throws darts at my beliefs b/c he was strong in his faith at one point and is far away from it now. I think it pisses him off faith is a big part of my life (like it used to be for him). Probably hits a little too close to home.....
I despise drama!! The good part of this week is after church tomorrow I am going up to Canada to ski for 3 days! It's supposed to be gorgeous weather too. It will be a nice vacation from all this mess.
It's definitely time to go dark and just leave my H the heck alone.....
Yes it is time to go dark and leave him alone...
and don't cast out the other possibilty that he cheated here and there, but not "way over there"...and blah blah blah. What a nut case he is right now. Obviously NOT ready for M and why he thought he was, or wanted to marry or didn't may NEVER be known.
My point--don't spend too much time trying to figure out nutty crappy behavior. He likely does not understand it himself so why would you? I spent countless months trying to figure out my H and his mlc and you know what? I WILL PROBABLY NEVER UNDERSTAND THE CHOICES HE MADE and I now accept that.
All that truly matters is what we are now and going forward and that we agree on that. I will not rack my brain trying to de-code his feelings or quests, or whatever it was that motivated him.
So you were briefly married to a guy who is either a pathological liar (and this IS pathological lying at it's finest) or a cheater, or both. Now you know.
So what are you going to do with the rest of your life? How much of it does this idiot get to screw up of YOUR time on earth? This is not a dress rehearsal. Remember about your life being a novel? If it's a book, how is this chapter going? What do YOU want to have happen in the next chapter? How is the book of your life going and who is writing it? Be the author of your life and start THIS chapter with YOU writing it. No more idiot h dictating how your life/book is going...or the next chapter or the epilogue.
I have lost a brother and have one going to Afghan. Also a bil who died in September of a brain tumor (and mil has cancer so =WE HAVE BEEN ON A DEATH WATCH THIS YEAR....) so yes, I am sensitive to the fact that Tomorrow is promised to no one.
Life is short. Start enjoying your time here and he cannot be part of that. Period. Sorry. But...this is too weird and too cruel for you to function with, given that others will depend on you. As a veteran, I have to say I deeply resent this kind of crazy drama from a soldier. Who does this??
Take care of yourself and have a blast skiing...and fix your SGLI and any other papers of the military, and see a JAG...and EAT something delicious!
(( j ))
J,
Great advice like always. I love your perspective and realness! I have come to accept I also will never understand his choice to get married or the choice to end our M so quickly. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure it out and I'm still lost :-). I don't think he completely understands either..... I believe he thought I was the magic answer to his own happiness and when he found out I wasn't, he bailed. I could have told him upfront I wasn't his magic solution!
When is your brother heading over to Afghan? I am sorry for your losses. Our time here is definitely precious and something to make the most of. I'm glad it doesn't end here on earth.
I am on vacation and it is so nice!! I definitely needed a few days away from all the madness. These crazy conversations I had with my H completely wore me out - and sounds like they were a big lie anyway! All H gained was me thinking he is even more confused than before..... and created confusion inside me :-).
It is difficult to keep my focus on God with so much drama going on! I need to spend some quality time in prayer right now. I have been challenged in many diff't aspects but this sitch is definitely a unique one! I have never had my faith & trust challenged so much.
FITCHK
I do not want to minimize your pain. It sucks. It startles...rattles your world view and you question your perceptions and everything...all normal...I get it.
But last night I saw a woman from Rwanda who hid from her neighbors when their tribe took over and was killing everyone from her own tribe. She hid in a house behind a wall, with 4 other women, for 5 months. She weighed 70lbs when she got out. Her speech was about forgiveness.
And it reminded me that even in our sorrows, right now no one is shooting at us. (when the time comes that you go overseas, remember you are a volunteer, & you are armed). No one tells us whether we can worship or where or how. We are not starving. We have food in our refrigerator (not a bag or sack of rice on the dirt floor) and there will be food there tomorrow. You are healthy, and if you were not, you'd get care from trained professionals. No one has to call the semi trained medical assistant in the village 44 miles away, to travel over the dirt road, some time to see you, and then hope you have the money to pay for the medicine you hope he has available...you live in a home that no one is going to break into in the night and say they are the government and want to see your papers, or demand money, and you know where your family is b/c no one arrested them never to be seen again...
There is a lot to be said for how good your life is when you think of it globally and especially as a woman. You can walk somewhere without a male relative chaperoning you there...No one will force you to marry a man you don't love or even know, or to stay in an abusive marriage or to give birth in a hut without medical care of pan relief....I reminded myself of this when I was sick in my last pregnancy. I was hospitalized and began to feel sorry for myself and looked out the window at the moon, and realized how many millions of pregnant women were out there in the world right then, maybe looking at the same moon at the same time... and wondering if they were going to survive giving birth, or whether their h's were safe, or coming home, or if there would be food in the shack the next day, or where she'd give birth, if she could read, or learn to, or ever have a job,
and I got the overwhelming feeling that I was incredibly lucky to be here. Made me feel compassion for the women out there too. There are some just as broken hearted as you right now. But with NO resources...they have literally lost everything when their man left their marriage... You are so strong and fortunate and you will do so well in life. You really will be fine. As for losing your faith or misplacing it...
I can understand. But then, maybe you were saved a much worse loss.
Maybe He did help you...maybe you have been saved a lot of pain you don't know about...and years...
I'm just wondering about this...don't want to say "cheer up and be happy now!" I am not trying to minimize your sitch. But I wanted to give you some perspective b/c there are so many women here who have given decades of their lives, sacrificing careers and moving away from their families FOR their h's, losing jobs, bearing children and raising them, and then finding themselves alone, perhaps uneducated, without job skills, no retirement and for many of them now, NO health insurance, left with NOTHING...
You will heal from this and move on...as fast as you want to...imho. I think there's a lot that is up to you here. Think of the women out there who would do anything to have the freedom you have to go into your future as you wish. In a way, you owe it to them and yourself to move forward and live well. Make sense?
(( j ))
J,
Makes sense. I can lose perspective at times. I have a lot to be thankful for in my sitch. It could be a lot worse!! I know my deployment will greatly change my focus & perspective. I am very fearful about it but am ready to go do my part over there.
Back to work today. I had a great time skiing with my friend! I have never done so much skiing and probably only did 1/4 of the trails there. We got to ski a few of the runs they will use in the 2010 Olympics. They have the first lift that goes between 2 mountains, called peak 2 peak. It was incredible they can build something that spans so long! It breaks several world records.
Nothing much to report in my sitch. The sheriff attempted to serve me again but I wasn't home. It will probably be at least another month before I will be available to be served - unless my H does it at work. There are lots of diff't avenues H could use to serve me but he hasn't tried any other way - yet is frustrated I have not been served??? Not my problem....
I woke up early this morning and was so mad & upset at my H for all the fake drama he put me through these last few weeks. I typed out an e-mail to him, saved it, and will not send it. It was a good release and helped me deal with my emotions.
Interest thing to note - a unit from my base deployed to the place my H is at and they re-named all the roads to replicate the base I am stationed at. My H told me I would feel at home there. He states he has thought a lot about what it would have been like to have me deploy with him. I think it's kind of funny - he's trying to get away from me but things keep springing up that makes him think of me :-)! Haha.
When are you deploying? And by the way, why not just get served? I mean if you want to have it done with, and not get served at work (which most people don't enjoy so it's considered an act of courtesy to serve one privately) why not just be available?
Also curious about the continued contacts....are you guys "just friends now"? Seems a bit premature, like by 3 years...guess I can't see what's to gain by friendship with a man who has...shall we say, "misbehaved" so badly and so repeatedly? Dang, FC, he's NOT a winner right now. Tell him to call you when his head is screwed on straight and he has a good heart...(OR don't, I'm just venting on your behalf...)
The skiing sounds great. I thought I had my fill of the snow for life but there are moments like you describe...yeah, it CAN be great and beautiful and God sent.
Take care
(( j ))
(((((FitChik))))),
Sounds like a few days in the mountains did a world of good for your PMA. I checked out the Whistler website and saw pix of the Peak 2 Peak gondola, and it looks insane!
I'm off on Sunday to take my 2 sons to NYC for their first bite of "the big apple".
Stay strong, you're in my prayers.
Deploying in 2-3 months.
No excuses - I could have arranged to be served by now but it hasn't been on my priority list. I have been swamped with work getting our soldiers ready to go and can't make it home in time for them to serve me. If my H really wants me served, he can have it done at work. It's going to happen one way or another.....
The heck if I know what our R is right now. We've both gone back & forth trying to make a friendship happen but it hasn't worked. Initially he wanted to "be friends" but I told him I could not do that. How you go from a newlywed to "just friends" when it isn't mutual - I don't know! But I felt convicted that it was selfish on my end to close our R entirely, so decided to try to be a friend. H deploying made it very hard for me to just cut off communication. It is difficult to cut someone out of your life that you love when life & death is an issue everyday.
We relied on & supported each other since we were both new to the Army and did the same job - so it's been very hard. I have more of a support system now and have adjusted to not having him in my day. I know now my H is in the R or friendship only for himself and will not return back what I put into it or support me the way he used to. It took me awhile to figure that out but it is finally clear.
It's been very challenging trying to cope & adjust to all the major life changes this year (new job, new to the Army, future deployment, M, looming D). I have struggled a lot adjusting to our M ending. No one ever things as a newlywed your dream will be taken away so quickly. I'm not trying to whine or make excuses - but it's just been darn difficult.
I try to look at the positives I've gained through everything and know I'm a stronger person for it all at the end of the day.
FC,
trust me, you are NO whiner...we all get that. I'm very impressed by how you're handling it. At least HERE...
seriously, in one sense I envy you the job you have in this sitch. Not that I am in your shoes now but when I felt soooo stressed out, in a way I think the job I had in the ARmy during the first Gulf War was great. Talk about being ON TASK and focussed...I would think THAT part of it is good.
I mean you have to do it. So you will. And time will pass and you will be that much farther from the wounds and a little bit more healed...and you'll meet men, oh so many men, who ARE GOOD...and strong and ....NORMAL...no drama, no weirdness no OW...
Hey FC, you aren't attracted to the bad boys are you? That might be something to work on. Otherwise, just give yourself some time and keep up the GAL stuff. Sounds great.
(( j ))
No bad boys, thank goodness! I despise drama :-).
I am definitely looking forward to my job this next year. There will be a lot of hardship with it but in the end I know I will be glad for it. It will be difficult, challenging, and rewarding at the same time.
Maybe this is all part of the bigger plan and I cannot see it now.... Who knows what's in store?? I will keep hope & faith things will turn out ok no matter what happens.
J,
How was your experience in the Gulf War?
Sounds like fun Song! What are y'all going to do in the "big apple"?
Had a great hike this morning! I did my first longer hike with a 30lb pack to train for Mt. Rainier next month. It was a hard hike but felt great! A hike like that will whip me into great shape in no time!
Hiking is also a good time for me to spend time away with God and pray. My mom and I both prayed this morning for me to get clear guidance and discernment about how I should proceed in my sitch. Well..... the first devotion I read this morning was titled "The Danger of Stopping Too Soon" from 2 Kings 13:14-19. It talks about the danger of having faith & courage enough to go so far but not enough to go all the way.
With all this new crap over the several week, I've felt fearful & unsure if I should continue standing for our M and have felt paralyzed. But after that devotion, God made it clear what he desires for me to do. I can fret and worry about it or I can just trust & have faith. I always wonder what He is up to at times like this :-).
Interestingly enough, we start a new series this week entitled "Heart Rehab" for the next 6 weeks. I am sure I will be spoken to a lot in this series!
Just curious, do you pray for His will, or saving the M? I wonder if asking FOR THE M is sometimes a bit like telling God what to do. Besides, there is free will and your h has exercised his...for better or for WORSE...
I have a gf who's h left her over 2 years ago and the DIV was final 14 months ago and he told her he does not want to speak to her or see her, etc. And she prays EVERY DAY that they'll reconcile. Aside from the cynical part of me that thinks, "get a grip and move on..." b/c how clear can her ex h be? But the other part of me thinks, "why not ask God for guidance and strength, instead of giving Him a "to do" list?
Know what i mean?
(( j ))
I pray for His will and clarity either way... depends on the day. Some days I pray for our M to be strengthen and healed if it's His will. Some days I can only cry out "I want Your will to be done". I ask for God's will and truth to come out of our M, and not the will of myself or my H.
I definitely do not believe in giving God a "to do" list! But He does say we should ask our requests with expectation. He knows our thoughts and wants anyway without having to tell Him!
I have struggled with this topic a lot. How do you decifer between God's will and our own free will?
Maybe our free will to M was not in God's plan??? Or maybe our M was God's plan and my H filing for D was by his own free will. My mind has run circles around this......
Any thoughts??
I pray for His will and clarity either way... depends on the day. Some days I pray for our M to be strengthen and healed if it's His will. Some days I can only cry out "I want Your will to be done". I ask for God's will and truth to come out of our M, and not the will of myself or my H.
I definitely do not believe in giving God a "to do" list! But He does say we should ask our requests with expectation. He knows our thoughts and wants anyway without having to tell Him!
So why do we ask our requests if he already knows what we need and want? I mean if we are open to HIM...what's with us getting so specific? I also struggle with this. One day, instead of analyzing everything so much, I'd just say "Please..." at the start of each day and each night, I'd say "thanks"..and left it at that for some time....Kept it simple and now I KNOW that when our journey here on earth comes to an end, that we WILL be happier having followed His will, so that in reality, "our will" for "our happiness" matches HIS forus. Not just b/c it's from God, but b/c doing His will and being happy are one and the same...at some point at least. Sure, some days I feel that His will was the harder route to take & I wasn't sure it would make ME happy but out of duty, I'd do it...but now I believe that even now, doing the right thing is what gives me peace at this time, not later.
I have struggled with this topic a lot. How do you decifer between God's will and our own free will?
See above. Oh, and here' the other "tip" I have. When I come to a cross roads about what to do and there are plausible arguments for each choice I Make, I say choose the more difficult road. if the easier path were the "Right" one, you would not be struggling with it. It'd be a non-issue.
Maybe our free will to M was not in God's plan??? Or maybe our M was God's plan and my H filing for D was by his own free will. My mind has run circles around this......
Any thoughts??
(( j ))
So why do we ask our requests if he already knows what we need and want? I mean if we are open to HIM...what's with us getting so specific? I also struggle with this. One day, instead of analyzing everything so much, I'd just say "Please..." at the start of each day and each night, I'd say "thanks"..and left it at that for some time....Kept it simple and now I KNOW that when our journey here on earth comes to an end, that we WILL be happier having followed His will, so that in reality, "our will" for "our happiness" matches HIS forus. Not just b/c it's from God, but b/c doing His will and being happy are one and the same...at some point at least. Sure, some days I feel that His will was the harder route to take & I wasn't sure it would make ME happy but out of duty, I'd do it...but now I believe that even now, doing the right thing is what gives me peace at this time, not later.
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I have struggled with this topic a lot. How do you decifer between God's will and our own free will?
See above. Oh, and here' the other "tip" I have. When I come to a cross roads about what to do and there are plausible arguments for each choice I Make, I say choose the more difficult road. if the easier path were the "Right" one, you would not be struggling with it. It'd be a non-issue.
Maybe our free will to M was not in God's plan??? Or maybe our M was God's plan and my H filing for D was by his own free will. My mind has run circles around this......
Any thoughts??
(( j ))
Lots to think about..... I do think God's will is not always the easy path. I agree with you know you're in God's will be the peace you feel. I was so torn & unsure what to do when my H filed for D and how to proceed... but I kept feeling a nudge in my heart to stand for our M and when I finally decided to take that path, I had so much peace. I know for now that is what God has called me to do..... but that could change tomorrow or next month or next year?? Through constant prayer and reading his word He will continue to reveal Himself to me and what He desires me to do.
I also think following God's will gives us happiness. It may not always be easy but we will be rewarded. For instance, joining the Army after school has been a wild adventure, as will deploying to Afghanistan. It will be difficult but I am sure God wanted to me here right now and I am content knowing I am living out His will for my life in this moment.
ask yourself if choosing to "stand for your M" is the same thing as doing nothing...If it is, then are you sure it's His will? Just asking, okay? Just food for thought.
(( j ))
Hey Fit,
A lot has happened since I last posted. Take what 25 has to offer, it's great stuff.
You're in my prayers...
Thanks Jag and 25.
You always have good food for thought. I am continuing to heal & improve my own life while standing. I know it is what I am to do for now and I have no idea how long God intends me to do it for. I will only be in the states another few months and will be gone for a year. Will our D be done with before I leave? I have no idea?? Or will I keep standing while deployed? Right now I haven't a clue...... I am taking it day by day.
Having a tough night. I keep getting visions of my H with other W. It has begun to really bother me this week. I am sure he is involved with W overseas. It's difficult having him so far away and not having a clue what is really going on. I thought I had come to terms with him dating other W (or whatever you call it!) but obviously have not!
I guess it's b/c I do not plan to date until our M is officially over (nor could I) and it hurts he can plunge full steam ahead! I understand dating while separated is considered "normal" by some and many in my generation... but I have always been more "old fashioned" and conservative.... or use my moral conscious?? :-)
These thoughts are driving me crazy tonight! I hope by journaling I will finally be able to hit the sack....
Like 25 said, it's best you found out now than 10 yrs and 3 kids into the marriage.
I don't think its good to date when you are separated. I think its rotten. But I also think affairs are rotten. I feel like you. I am not daing and being faithful even though my W is dating and sleeping with someone. Its hard being the honorable one when that is being thrown in your face.
I commend you for it. I commend everyone on here for it. So many times I think why am I still waiting. Because I have morals. Its not right. So I don't. Plus I keep thinking if I don't date, maybe God will work on her heart.
I guess its morals, faith, some wishful and hopeful thinking, etc.
You are doing good. I'm proud of you. Don't think about the visions. I did and it eats you alive if you let it. I actually read in detail of my W's affairs and it has taken me a while to quit thinking about the visions. Even now and then I do, but not nearly as frequently as earlier on. That will take a bit of time. When you start to have them, recognize it and think of something else as quick as you can. It will help. They will start to be less and less with some time if you practice.
Kevin
Fit,
Do you what you think is right. I got that advice from someone too. They told me to date, I didn't and haven't. That's a stupid risk I'm not willing to take.
Hey Fit,
How is it going? What's going on today? Talk me...
Kevin,
I agree with you. I definitely will not be ready to date for a long time so it isn't an issue for me! I need a lot of healing time. Just makes me wonder how my H is able to move on so quick....
Thanks Jag. As with yourself, I have no question what is right for me. I am still in pieces right now. I don't think I'm up for the dating market :-)
I know it's tough but you shouldn't worry about what you can't control. Like 25 said, you can pray for your H and be the better person in the long run. Yea, short term it sucks but down the road this will only make you stronger. I know what you mean, thinking about your H and the OW. But with time, it will pass.
How is the hiking training coming along? I'm up to running 4 miles a day now. I can't imagine doing it with a 30 lb backpack.
I had a busy few days! I am taking a great emergency medicine course but the days are long! I came home last night and wiped out by 8:00 :-).
I came up with a new middle road solution that made me feel a lot better today. My dilemma is do I push to get the D finalized before I deploy or put a military act into effect that allows everything to be delayed until after I get back. Both thoughts left my mind uneasy. I would like our M to work out and will always have some hope.... but realize it would be a miracle sent by up above at this point and have to be realistic.
But the wheels upstairs finally started turning.... and I thought I could probably get a L to handle my case and let it play out the way it's going to without any interventions by me. Seems silly b/c the end result is still the same. But I would have a hard time forcing things through quickly to get a D finalized before I leave. I could change my mind but do not think I'll be comfortable doing that. I feel a lot of relief that I have a third option.
Otherwise, nothing to note. I got an e-mail back from my H saying he's doing fine and been busy... Very friendly and informative! He has been very withdrawn ever since he told a huge, nasty fabrication several weeks ago. I wonder why that is... :-)
Yeah, I am coming to terms with it all. I will continue to pray for my H. I know I am already so much stronger from this. I know it will benefit me some way in the future.
And I wish I was running 4 miles right now!! I go through running spurts where I love it and I have no desire to run.
Hiking is going good. I feel silly b/c I am starting to wear a small, weighted pack while I do cardio inside on the treadmill - walk on a steep grade. I'm sure I look goofy but don't really care. It's early in the morning and I know Rainier is much, much bigger than my pride..... I'm not going to fight mother nature! I hope to get a good hike in this weekend.
That's good that you keep busy.
That's a tough on. Decding how top pursue it, its easy for all of us to tell you just do it, no kids, haven't been married very long. But we're not in your shoes, we weren't there for the dates, engagement and so on. Did you talk to an L or a JAG yet? If anything, start the process and just make sure if it does come down to a D, then at least you want to make sure you're not going to get screwed at the end.
Again, it's gonna be tough to try and do MC while the both of you are deployed too.
I read that trhead with all the differ stories. I was thinking to myself that something wasn't right.
It's hard for me too honestly! B/c I have the same thoughts.... no kids, not married long.... I wish I could just let it go and say the heck with it! But I want to stick to my commitment through to the end of the M regardless what my H does. I can still honor our vows despite his actions.
I have talked to both. I am going to consult a L again probably this week or next week and discuss options with her. If nothing else, I want to make sure I'm protected and have the weight of the legal process lifted off me while I'm deployed. I want someone there w/o worrying about everything while away.