http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2533542&page=1continued...
Today was a very tough day. I must have been dreaming of W because I awoke missing my W and not being able to shake her memories. I looked at photos a few times but then decided I needed to do something With my time. So I went shopping. Bought a new outfit and then took a long bath and read a book. Also stopped by a cigar store and got a few sweet puffers. Excited By far but my lord I miss my W and best friend. Talked to my dad for a while about how I felt. He went through this with my real mom. Really help put my mind at ease to hear his voice. I hope it gets easier!
Sorry to hear. I have the same issue once in a while, very bad dreams about W and D. That can cause a very rough start of the day and sometimes a bad day in general.
I think it's a sign tho that you are processing what's going on.
Keep the good work up and stay strong! Healing is something so painfully slow...
Thank you and keep up the hard work as welll. I've been reading your thread as well. Stay strong.
UPDATE----Today was another tough day....! I just can't seem to shake the memories and longing for W to be here. It's not so much who W is with or what she is doing as wishing we were here together. I guess this is the natural eb and flow of emotions and volitility of trying to deal with loving someone who does not love me. Sometimes just sometimes I wish I was the person I once was, that never cared about anything or anyone else. But then again love and commitment have a way of changing all that. I think I might be in my anger phase because I am so so so angry at W for giving all of this up. And for what!!!!! A Dbag who wouldn't make any sacrifices for her. I am still so lost, I just hope to keep breathing and one day rise above the pain and anguish of losing my best friend and world.
It's been almost a week of no contact what so ever and it seems to be getting worse. But I guess, you have to go through the eye of the storm to get to clear skies. I just hope that I have enough strength to weather the storm. Please give me strength to see this through.
Sorry to hear man. I know exactly how you are feeling.
I had clear days recently but then I keep falling back. I'm still doing mistakes when I see her. I just need to let go. But it's so freaking hard. I gave my life up for her and put my heart in this, I went all in. And now this mess...it's so disappointing.
But I'm glad I had the chance to come here, start to build a life, althought I'm not even close. I know somehow I'll be fine, but I want to be loved...
My hopes were so high..a factor too that there was so much reassure on my wife.
But these rough days..I don't know what to do. I'm depressed and can't wait for more therapy session, hoping its going to help.
The best help on a day like this for me is to talk to someone. Share my feelings, listen to some people's advice and empathy, just to feel like a human.
I'd rather stay home in bed all day, but you have to leave the house. Go work out, let all your energy out. Do some boxing or so. Or connect with nature, but not all alone depressing. We have to force ourselves do GAL.
It's still such a long way for us tho but there's only one way..and that's forward.
Chinese saying:
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.
Lao Tzu
I love that quote, I am definitely living in the past.:( I am trying my best, going out tonight for sure. Too bad no one is in hawaii lol. Could GAL together....! Where you from in germany? I lived in wüzburg for 3 years.
Lol man. I come from close to Aschaffenburg. Which is just an hour up the Main river. My uncle lives in WÜ.
How about I'll just come to Hawaii
I'm in CA..
Ya the quote is so true. I totally hang on to the past. Big problem of mine. Causing motivational issues too. I'm a big regretter and can't forgive myself well enough. I'll get on that with my therapist. Maybe she can help me.
Meditating/praying helps me to get some strength too.
Good morning everyone, not such a bad one here, I did wakeup thinking as usual but not as intense. I am at least thankful for the mild reprieve of emotions. I am trying to figure myself out as best I can. It's a tough road but I need to stay strong for both of us.
Update--- Today I believed I was doing better, didn't feel too bad this morning but man oh man as the day wore on things just got worse, I cannot shake the longing for my wife to be here with me. I was hoping that coming home would help me feel better but it has done nothing but make things worse. And I can't figure out anything that takes my mind off her. I just don't know what to do anymore but get these words off my chest in hopes that others have some ideas that I have not yet realized that will help me cope. Thank you everyone.
"And I can't figure out anything that takes my mind off her. "
GAL
I know i know lol. gotta keep on keepin on. GAL
I don't even know what tipps to give you. I'm struggling a lot myself.
GAL is key. Force yourself!
Other than that, only time will help you.
I recently started to try to 'picture' my life without her, what I'll do, where I will go, how I can follow some of my dreams again. It feels empty tho.
I'm glad to be out of town for work again, with some fun people. Good forced GAL^^
Thanks complex I appreciate the advice.
No worries.
Also try to do something you always wanted to do, whatever it is, skydiving, go cart racing or just go to that one restaurant/bar around the corner that you've never been to, go try karate, travel some place. Anything. Just create a GAL goal and follow through. It'll feel very good.
How are things going over there on Hawaii?
Are you actually still functional in your job etc? Or do you underperform?
I'm def not performing the way I could/should...
I am doing my best, it's hard when everything I have wanted to do so far besides those major trips we have done together. But I'll keep digging. Yeah as far as my job goes.... it's not good! I can't think, or remember anything. Sometimes that feeling overwhelms me and I need to leave just to regroup. I have never gone through something like this and I mean that in every aspect. I never knew I could feel like this. Such a jacked up way to find out your marriage is not as amazing and perfect as you thought. Anyhow hope your on the path and begin to feel a tiny bit better.
hang in there rysinmn
I can completely empathise with you. My every waking moment is consumed by this but you have to believe that in time it will get better. Time is a great healer.
Time heals. But GAL makes time go by faster.
Rysin, I don't know if you like to read. And in fact, a lot of folks would encourage you to keep your nose out of so many books or articles because that keeps your head in your sitch instead of helping you get out to GAL. But at least for me, I gobbled up any book and every article I could possibly get my hands on while H was wayward. It really helped me understand things better. And it passed time. And it kept my mind and me from feeling "idle" and thereby dreaming up reasons I "needed" to contact H.
GAL is definitely good for the soul.
I've read so much about relationships and affairs I feel like I have a bloody degree on the subject. It does make me feel better though. Which is what I need for now
I love to read as well and I am excited to get home and read the DB book. I have read afew others about relationships. But I know I need to continue to gal and move forward. I am trying and I can't see it now but I know to does help. Thank you all for the advice.
Good morning everyone, it has officially been a week since hearing from W is there any info or input on the time table when separating how soon the anger will start to fade? I know might be a weird question and not sure why I woke up thinking this but I did.
Her anger, or yours towards her?
Sorry for not being specific. Her anger at me. I have about crossed my anger phase.
You mean for reporting OM?
Yes that and just for everything, she blames me for the escalation of the situation, even though her actions were script for wanting space and so forth. She says my actions pushed her away and into him. So just curious how long she will stay angry or maybe a time table to expect this type of treatment to continue.
It's hard to say, some women respond differently from others. For some, after the initial anger (even LIVID anger), they actually respond with respect and even attraction to the "strong stance," especially if it's maybe out-of-character for you. For others, they remain angry. Remember however, that affairs are not about YOU they are about THEIR OWN JOURNEY, and so usually the anger and loathing is SELF-loathing, merely DIRECTED at you.
Despite all the outward appearances of sunshine and lollipops and unicorns, a wayward spouse usually is NOT very happy inside. In fact, they're often miserable. More often than not, rather than do the necessary introspection, they will merely direct that at YOU.
Starsky
Ok, thank you so much. I just have to be strong and hold on.
Yes, that's what you need to do
I'm just experiencing good GAL although it's forced (in Las Vegas for work). Staying busy helps sooo much, but the hard part then is to go back to where W also still lives. Makes it soooo hard for me. But when I'm gone I see the light, not sure how I can keep that when I'm around W.
And don't let W talk you down that all this is your mistake? Don't let it get to you. We all know better. Stay detached in those situations by "being the observer" not the participator. It's all script and like a movie, you just watch. Stay calm, let her vent, stay strong and don't let the emotions get to you.
Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge.
(Plato).
You have to stay on the knowledge side only
Heard from W today, nothing big she just asked me what time I would be arriving home so she could inform the house sitter. And then she asked about my family. I was short and nice. I said when iwould get home and I told her my family is good, that the funeral was tough but they are good. And I left it at that. I did not ask her anything. Was tough but I have a goal and an end result in mind.
Update- so the past few days have been ok. I did think about W but did not really dwell on anything. After she sent me a few texts "first time since separated; I might add." I have been thining about her nonstop. I know the texts were nothing important just simple como. It really got me missing her again. And now I'm sitting in Dallas airport wishing she was here. most days I still find it hard to breathe, but there are those few days where I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. But those are far and few. Now I'm heading home to stich all over again. Time to really GAL.
Update- so the past few days have been ok. I did think about W but did not really dwell on anything. After she sent me a few texts "first time since separated; I might add." I have been thining about her nonstop. I know the texts were nothing important just simple como. It really got me missing her again. And now I'm sitting in Dallas airport wishing she was here. most days I still find it hard to breathe, but there are those few days where I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. But those are far and few. Now I'm heading home to stich all over again. Time to really GAL.
I already told you that one of the best ways to get off a unrepentant WAS without consummating with another is to take up some partnered dancing. It feels good.
Pick your choice: 2 step, country, salsa, ballroom, etc.
Being close to a receptive person of the opposite sex feels great, you will look forward to your dance sessions and look away from the soon to be ex who doesn't want to be near you.
It really helps you to feel better without having to cheat on someone.
Same here. Was gone for work, got home last night, waking up this morning after having a dream about MC and that she wanted to try again...
Now I'm just where I was before I left, sad and I miss her like crazy
Need to get up and GAL...but I'd rather cry...
yeah complex it's like 1 step forward 10 steps back. Well at least that's how it feels. Seems like an eternity that I have not heard my W voice and longer since I saw her. It's a tough thing to wrap my head around. But I just gotta keep breathing, having a tough time traveling by myself. Since this is what we enjoyed most of all.
Well just landed back on oahu, have a massive feeling of anxiety coming on. Not sure why. but on the bright side I will start reading my book tonight. And the DR book is on the way. I'll check back in with my thoughts on the book
Good. I got out of the house the whole day today. It felt good.
I start feeling like things DO get better. It's an up and down but with time there is an improvement. And then you start knowing there will be another and another throwback...and you anticipate them and get more used to it.
But then there's still sooooo much stuff that needs to be figured out in the S and D process. It's not going to be easy. But the detachment will grow!!!
I hope you will feel the same little improvements...they are little but they are continuous...time is healer number 1
Got up this morning in an effort to do school work. Boy was i mistaken. I can focus. So I decided to get my but up and out on the bike. About to enjoy some ramen then maybe hit starbucks to do a little more homework. Probably a better place to do work then at home.
Checking on you, Rysin. How are things?
Breathing I guess. Only talked to W once by text. Only to confirm my arrival back on island so she could inform house sitter. Things don't seem to be getting any better. I had a question about valentine's day. I guess even a card or a text is out of the question. Any advice on that. Unless she initiates right.
Asking myself the same question since a few days. I'd love to send her some flowers to work...but I won't.
I think we have to simply ignore this day. Or do sth fun by ourselves, to honor the love we should have for ourselves.
Think I'll take myself to the bar lol.
Ha. Alcohol is not the solution my friend
It's weird I never had less urge to get drunk than now. I don't feel like altering my mind bc I know it'd make me even more depressed.
Treat yourself with respect and only drink if it definitely won't affect your emotions, which is almost impossible in our situation.
Bottom line: I do still drink occasionally too lol
..I'm a lightweight tho
Do not send her anything. It is just pursuing. She wont care what you send her. Only what OM does. hard to face but we all know its true.
Hard times at the minute with Val day plastered everywhere. Just ignore, switch TV channels, turn radio off.
On the drinking, I went out with my mates last weekend. I didn't have too much and was good to be out. I couldn't go out and get plastered though. I couldn't deal with the hangover on top of what I'm already feeling.
Do not send her anything. It is just pursuing. She wont care what you send her. Only what OM does. hard to face but we all know its true.
Hard times at the minute with Val day plastered everywhere. Just ignore, switch TV channels, turn radio off.
On the drinking, I went out with my mates last weekend. I didn't have too much and was good to be out. I couldn't go out and get plastered though. I couldn't deal with the hangover on top of what I'm already feeling.
Most times, pride/ego is something that stands in our way. In THIS case, it's good to use it to help you.
Picture this: Your W is in LaLa Land with OM. She knows. You know. She knows you know. Valentine's Day rolls around. You send her flowers, candy, a card or balloons. Think about how she'd perceive you: she's receiving gifts from her HUSBAND - the man she vowed before God she'd "forsake all others" for - and he KNOWS she's having an A with OM - and he's still sitting around thinking of her on Valentine's Day, spending money on her on the "day for lovers" ...
C'mon, Rysin. Of course you know better. Not to be too vulgar here, but you might as well wrap your testicles in pink tissue paper and give them to her.
No way, partner.
Strength and honor. Say it with me: Strength and honor.
What have you been doing lately to GAL?
love it Train, just love it
Most times, pride/ego is something that stands in our way. In THIS case, it's good to use it to help you.
Picture this: Your W is in LaLa Land with OM. She knows. You know. She knows you know. Valentine's Day rolls around. You send her flowers, candy, a card or balloons. Think about how she'd perceive you: she's receiving gifts from her HUSBAND - the man she vowed before God she'd "forsake all others" for - and he KNOWS she's having an A with OM - and he's still sitting around thinking of her on Valentine's Day, spending money on her on the "day for lovers" ...
C'mon, Rysin. Of course you know better. Not to be too vulgar here, but you might as well wrap your testicles in pink tissue paper and give them to her.
No way, partner.
Strength and honor. Say it with me: Strength and honor.
What have you been doing lately to GAL?
If you want to know how your wife perceives this kind of pursuit and supplication, just re-read Train's wise words over and over and over again. SHE'S A GIRL!!!!
lol
Starsky
LOL!! Yes. Yes, I am!
Thanks again train. I didn't plan on sending anything, those were just my thoughts running wild. I have not done too much lately with the death in the family and all. And school is kicking me in my testicles as we speak lol. I am starting the gym again and hope to get my AOW scuba cert. This month. Just started reading the book yesterday so I have a few things I need to do.
On a second note I was a little upset at W yesterday. She returned home from her school trip around 930pm. Arrived in a taxi. Didn't even come to the door didn't send me a text nothing just looked at the house for a little while and got in the car and left. Not sure why it angered me but it did.I know I should not expect anything less. But sometimes I just can't help it. Anyhow time to hit the gym.
STRENGTH AND HONOR!!!!!
Talked to father inlaw today. He said he talked to W and she told him I'm not the same person anymore since returning from deployment. And she doesn't know who I am anymore. He told her that it's not true I am still that same person but she has completely closed me off during this whole ordeal. From my side I think I have changed, hell I come home to who is supposed to be the love of my life and best friend to find out she loves someone else and has been sleeping with him for a month. Ummmm of course I have changed. What a stupid statement. It's gotta be something for her to just validate her actions even more.
Talked to father inlaw today. He said he talked to W and she told him I'm not the same person anymore since returning from deployment. And she doesn't know who I am anymore. He told her that it's not true I am still that same person but she has completely closed me off during this whole ordeal. From my side I think I have changed, hell I come home to who is supposed to be the love of my life and best friend to find out she loves someone else and has been sleeping with him for a month. Ummmm of course I have changed. What a stupid statement. It's gotta be something for her to just validate her actions even more.
Yes. The sh!t that comes out of their mouths is absolutely asinine.
If it helps, Rysin, my H - who has been home about 10 months - talks to this day about the things he said to justify his actions/behavior while he was wayward. We were in a discussion about it just this past weekend. It's like he now sees the same "alien abduction" that I did while he was wayward. He just doesn't even understand how he was "there" now. But he consistently says that he said everything he did to make himself look better and more justified ... because he KNEW, even then, that he was completely in the wrong.
You're smart not to accept the blame W throws on you right now while she's in this mode. If she ever blames you for something and it STINGS you, *then* you'll know there's some merit to her complaint. Otherwise, let it be like water on a duck's back. She knows what she's doing, and she's simply trying to deflect blame. Anyone who knows she's in an A also knows exactly what she's doing. She's fooling no one ... not even herself.
And let me just put it out there re: Valentine's Day ...
If you are mysteriously absent from your W that day, she's going to notice. It'll send a much stronger - and more effective message - than any chocolate-covered cherry or vase of roses. Keep plugging away, and don't expect "results" overnight, okay? Marathon. Not a sprint. You're doing great.
That is what I'm think but boy it really got me thinking of her and me. I'm gonna stay strong. It's by far a marathon. And I will definitely not be around for v day. Probably gonna go camping. Thank you guys for the support and wisdom it helps more than anything
Rysin, you're honestly really impressive. It's very hard for a "newbie" to go even this long with "nothing" - no reactions, no responses, no communication - from W and keep going on the same path anyway.
But "nothing" is a helluva lot better than throwing yourself at her and getting what would come from THAT sort of action. You seem to "get" this.
Take this to the bank: If your W doesn't come back around, she's a fool. And she's missing out.
And if that's the case? The next girl who comes around to you is going to land herself a gem.
Remember that. And stay the course, bro.
I don't agree, I'm just stubborn. She is the world to me. Always has been and always will be. I wakeup aching for her to be here. But I am also a rational person and I realized early that this was not about me and what I could do. I will not allow myself to give up on her, but she needs to see this is her road to travel and though she is doing things I do not agree with or support if and when she finds herself again I will be that constant in her life like I always have. But God almighty knows I die inside every night and day when she is not next to me. Or I don't hear from her.
Going on two weeks of no contact is like being cut with a razor 1 million times without rest. It burns, stings and just down right makes you wish you stopped breathing. BUT.... I will not give in. I will not break.... strength and honor..!
One of my dear friends says: "I don't care what you call me. Just call me."
You can call it what you want, but you ARE doing great. You're trusting the process, even though it isn't (naturally) bringing the "fast" results that so many people want and expect.
I know it hurts. But you're on the right path.
Rysinmn
Your an inspiration for what strenght is all about. I'm struggling every day to keep it together. I'm now 1 month in frm bd and can't beleive I've made it this far. Keep going stay strong and beleive it will get easier what ever happens
Thanks for the kind words I am trying my best.
So this morning she sends me a text thanking me for finding her wallet she lost in the house, she ask where I found it. I said you're welcome and explained where I found it. That is all I said. But then I might have taken a step back. I went upstairs and saw our dog snuggled up in the blankets. I took a picture and sent it to her. I didn't even think about it until I sent it. I didn't say anything just the picture. Probably not a smart move. I feel stupid.
yeah, she actually responded cordially I was worried at first. But I guess she liked the pic. Now it's time to go stealth mode and stop talking to her again. Until she initiates.
No DBing tenet has to be 100% pure and consistent. Remember, at its roots, the overall teaching here is "Do what works." So if you try a little kindness or even pursuit like that, monitor the results. If she responds positively, do it from time-to-time, IF it doesn't mess with your own detachment (that's part of "monitoring results" too!). If it messes with YOUR head, then try not to do much of it.
To me, pets are like kids (I have three cats and two dogs), and so this is almost a "co-parenting" thing to me, lol.
Starsky
Thanks starsky, it felt good to just send something nice, I know it made her smile. And I don't think atm that it did anything to me. But then again we shall see. But I can't make a habit out of it. Maybe like you Said every once in a while. And see what kind of response I get. I am making sure not to say anything. again thank you for the support and advice it is greatly appreciated.
Just something to be aware of:
I think you need to be careful not to let her cake eat. You don't want to fall into the friends role and you don't want her to think that you're still there waiting. Remember at some level she has to miss you to come back and the first step in that is realizing that she might actually lose you. I am not sure that initiating friendly exchanges helps to get that point across.
I am not sure that initiating friendly exchanges helps to get that point across.
I totally agree. But it was ONE. What I'm trying to encourage here is for Rys to begin to trust some of his own DBing instincts, and not get so hung up on the tactical stuff that he loses his overall "mojo." Sort of a "Hey, wife -- it's a pic of the cat, it's not all about you, get over yourself, babe" sorta thing.
Make sense? But absolutely agree with the "I won't be friends with you as long as you are with another man" and "I won't just sit here and wait forever for you to decide," ab-so-damned-lutely.
Starsky
It totally makes sense and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the single exchange either. Just wanted to give him a word of caution to continue to think about the larger goal (detaching).
Also - Rys please make sure you think really hard about your motives when you do something like this. I personally made a lot of excuses to contact my W when really, I was looking for her to say something nice that I would then frantically look for deeper meaning to. Be a little hard on yourself when you get the urge and make sure your motives truly lead towards detaching, or at the very least, don't adversely affect it.
Make sense?
It totally makes sense and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the single exchange either. Just wanted to give him a word of caution to continue to think about the larger goal (detaching).
Agree.
Just something to be aware of:
I think you need to be careful not to let her cake eat. You don't want to fall into the friends role and you don't want her to think that you're still there waiting. Remember at some level she has to miss you to come back and the first step in that is realizing that she might actually lose you. I am not sure that initiating friendly exchanges helps to get that point across.
She cant "lose" you unless she does lose you. If she has an OM, you have every right to be done with her and you should.
It's like a girlfriend chose another guy over you, but will let you come over and change her oil or move furniture around and that OM only has to seduce her and have fun with her.
She knows you will be always around, but doesn't love you like that anymore.
Please do not wait on her crumbs. As long as their is an OM involve, you are not important enough to her.
Prioritize your self during these moments.
It totally makes sense and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the single exchange either. Just wanted to give him a word of caution to continue to think about the larger goal (detaching).
Agree.
I wouldn't give her nugglets of "feel good" or support while she is still carrying on with the OM(s). It does you no good.
If you pull away truly, she will feel the truth of their interaction and if they argue or she is disrespected she won't have you to wipe her feet on to feel better. She will feel the blows of that relationship.
Thank you both for your input. I see it from all points. I am doing my best to detach. I am without a doubt not going to make it a habit. But I was thinking along the lines of this is what is moving on but in a Suttle way, cause I'm not hanging around for you. I have made it a point to be out and about. I have blocked her from Facebook and everything. I have done my best to brake check myself if I get that urge to dig for conversation. Mostly short and to the point statements. And then I go dark. But as starsky said I wanna try and feel my own instincts out as well. But I need you guys to lean on encase I get too far out. Better have a big reel and some strong line. Lol. Thanks again everyone.
I also have a few questions for Train. I do not want to do things all wrong.
When W and I first split I moved out of our room into my Mancave and literally moved all my stuff into that room. I have since decided that I am moving back into our bedroom because im not going to let her see that I am hurting and cant sleep in the same bed that we once did. do you think this was a good move or should I stay in my other room. Remember she does not live with me ATM. I also started being busy allot out later than usual stuff like that I don't think that she checks but just encase. Then the other day I had a wild hair up my butt. I decided to take two martini glasses and put them in the dish strainer along with a drink shaker. Don't ask me why I did it but I guess I just wanted to present the appearance of me having a life and not just being by myself. I hope I didn't jack this up, also I hope I didn't present the appearance of being with another woman. Unless that could be a good thing. I really don't know I was kinda going by the seat of my pants and what I felt was right at the moment. please give me some input.
I still do not reach out to her or anything but I do know she comes by most every day while im gone. I also started cooking my own dinners. I never really showed her that I knew how to cook allot of things but now I am going to lay it all out there lol. Last night I made a killer crockpot dish, and I will toot my own horn for it. Well when I got home I noticed she had come home and in fact eaten dinner while I was out. kinda made me smile.
Gotta say EVEN though I miss her more than anything, things do seem to be getting better and I don't find myself dwelling on the past as much. and the pain though ever present doesn't hold as much weight. I think the detach phase is in full swing and I am starting to pull through. But deff. not out of the woods not by a long shot. There will be no success until I can hold and kiss my W again! bring on the MARATHON!!!!!!
I think you should move back into the marital bedroom and man cave IT up a bit! Dark, masculine sheet and comforter combo. Maybe paint the walls. A drum set in the corner where the highboy chest used to be. That sort of thing.
(This works with other areas of the home as well -- turn a formal living room that's never used into a music room or put a pool table in there, complete with a big velvet "dogs playing cards" wall hanging. )
Women on here, including Greek, have reported how unsettling that was, that her husband wasn't just sitting around pining for her.
Starsky.
And GREAT JOB on the cooking! That has the same effect, AND you get to EAT it!! Lol
Nice...I told you you'll make progress ..slowly but surely.
I used to look at it as a "game" sort of too like you said in the end. But it's one where you should also to expect to 'lose'...or at least lose what your original goal was, but WIN in another way than expected (becoming a better person, succeed in life, maybe have a different much better relationship one day)...life is LONG!!
Funny I cooked for the first time in 2 months yesterday haha. I used to cook a lot...and tmrw I'll make killer goulash. Since W still is my roommate not sure if I should offer her some. I did yesterday but she had eaten already but tried some.
Funny you said that starsky I did just that, manned it up a bit. Then I took out my guitars and ukulele and put those in the living room. She doesn't like things out and about. Lol. I have a few pic I need to get frames for that will do good in the bedroom was thinking of hanging my JD whiskey flag up in there.what do you think. I also have a few drum sticks from a concert I caught I was thinking of displaying. Yeah I've always cooked but only select things cause she seemed to love cooking for me so much. But she really doesn't know the depth of my abilities lol. Just thought about goulash actually it's one of my specialties. Do you add corn? Gonna make lamb in a butter cury sauce tomorrow. Let's see how that goes over lol.too bad I don't have anyone to share it with.
On another note I am officially down 25+lbs since returning from deployment. Thinnest I've been in years. Just gotta keep trucking. I don't wanna lose too much more then I'll start chipping into my muscle and that is a no no!!! Well thank everyone for you advice I'm off to do a little acro "on the side and down low of course."
No corn. I got the best goulash recipe ever (german) want it?
I'm curious for a long time, why is my PMing disabled here?
I never offer I just leave it for her. Lol if she eats that is ok if not her loss. Though I hear OM is a amazing cook. But I know he can never cook the things I could. There will always be that special set of things only I cook. I kinda take pride in that. Turkey, mash taters, these are my things lol.
Ummmm, did I hear you callin'?!?
HELL YES! Genius ideas! And what Starsky said:
I think you should move back into the marital bedroom and man cave IT up a bit! Dark, masculine sheet and comforter combo.YES x a million!!! That's
HOT! (I mean, I'd change it back to blues and grays and mustard-yellows and ruffles if I came back home ... LOL! ... but for where you are right now?!? This is
GENIUS!)
P.S. You mentioned a ukulele, right? I JUST started learning the uke! My son wanted to try it; come to find out, I'm more interested than he is. Fun little instrument!!! S8 is playing the soprano; I find that hard for my fingers to jump around, so I put a concert one on my "wish list."
As for the martini glasses? (You clever little devil, you!) I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with you staging something every now and again; I did it, too! Don't go overboard, and - yes - certainly don't outright suggest it's another woman; that would be a BAD idea. But something that simple and non-specific? Not a dang thing wrong with it. It helps your PMA, and the "mystery" gives W something to think about.
So, yeah, back to those dark, masculine sheets ... whew ... I'm putting my feet in the shoes of a WAW ... and, dude, that would drive me nuts. PERFECT. Hell, make them satin sheets while you're at it. Black or gray or dark brown. Men love the feel of satin, right?!?
Well done, Rysin. VERY well done.
Complex,
PMs are disabled because the folks that run the boards don't want us exposing our identities; they have their reasons, though I wish it wasn't the case.
I know I won't be around these boards forever, but I've made friends here that feel more like friends than the ones I have "out here" because the folks here walked me through a time in my life when I didn't feel comfortable confiding in most people "out here." It blows, and it hasn't always been that way. But those are the rules now.
Can you paint the walls where you live? Is it rented or your own place? Painting the bedroom walls, as Starsky suggested: Also genius. I love ALL of this. (Like, I'm over here, rubbing my hands together and wearing an evil grin ... not because I'm evil; I'm actually more like Cupid. But you DO know - don't you? - that Cupid dipped his arrows in sweet, delicious honey before ZAPPING unsuspecting lovers with the razor-sharp, pointed ends of said arrows, right? Honey and darts, baby. Honey and darts. You've got this, brother. Muahahahahaha.)
Yeah. That actually gives me some good ideas
I still live with WAW, but I could make some little changed at home. Like you said, nothing over the top, but some small accents. Maybe putting a single picture up, from a vacation (before W).
What do you think, since I still live with her. It can't be pursuing or whatsoever, just some gesture of "moving on, doing my own thing"...?
I got to translate the recipe for you Rysn!
I understand that they don't want us to meet outside of this, it distracts. I mean there's always a way, but the focus in on our sitch!
i am shopping for some charcoal grey sheets as we speak. i would love to paint but im leaving in a few months so pointless but i can put some stuff up. you guys are great for the support. Oh and tomorrow i am making rack of lamb with curry sauce and sauteed mushrooms. gonna be a good one. never done curry sauce before will be an adventure.
I like the martini glasses idea.
Next time though, actually have a friend over (not saying it has to be a woman) and make/drink martinis. Staging is great. I did it a ton. But don't forget to do. Be authentic. You'll feel much better and it will do even more for your PMA.
Edit: Im coming over for dinner tomorrow.
I do for sure, I got a friend coming over today. We are gonna play guitars a bit and have a few drinks.
Today-so I woke up really missing W this morning. Seems I've been dreaming about her and the sitch allot lately. Even when she is not in them, they are related to our sitch. I don't like the way it makes me feel when I wake up. Any ideas on how to lessen the dreams. Anyone had these issues and found some coping mechanisms that help maybe right before bed.
Update- I am feeling really resentful today everyone. I thought I was moving past anger but I guess I'm not. I am hurt, angry and just in disbelief that W would throw away what we had for the past 7 years for someone she only knew 2 months. Especially with our history and the memories we have made. We were inseparable for 7 years such amazing years. Now it's all just gone in the blink of an eye just gone. I am a blip on her screen just passing by. That is how I feel right now. and I'm at a lose how to overcome this. I know I'm staying strong, but at what price. I know her and I know she likes to be chased. But I am her husband I should not have to chase her. She needs to realize what she is losing. But how does that happen when we never talk or see one another. Sorry for the rant just a vulnerable day I guess. Thanks again everyone.
Thought about that the drinks don't help? Especially the next day. It's called a hangover even if you didn't get hammered, but it's affecting your mood if you are depressed anyway. Alcohol is a depressant.
I'm trying to stay away from alcohol right now. I drank a few times and ended up like you the next day every single time..
But I didn't drink yesterday. So I don't know!
Rysin,
If you weren't feeling the "downs," you wouldn't be human. Just don't keep yourself there long, okay? Have patience with yourself.
This journey - like most others - is about progress, not perfection. You are growing stronger every day, even if it doesn't feel that way at times.
When you're down, those are the times that you REALLY need to force - FORCE - yourself to GAL. Go for a run. Call a friend to get together. I promise you'll be glad you did.
Marathons are long and hard.
Hang in there, soldier.
Ok so wife sent a message saying she wants to spend a few hours with the dogs tomorrow. Should I ok this or tell her it's not a good time. What do you think train?
Personally I would say ok but I have plans at x time so please wrap up your visit by such time..... My suggestion....
Invite a friend over for dinner/lunch/dessert and be preparing the meal while wife is there. Already be showered and wearing new cologne.....looking really good. Bottle of wine in a bucket of ice.... house spotless and bed made.
Hahahahaha, twin! YES!!!!!! I love it! Perfect.
P.S. If you DON'T invite a friend (and you SHOULD), still carry out this very.same.plan.
If you feel that including the "you might want to wrap up your visit by then" caveat is a little too cold, then say something like: "Yeah, no problem. But I have a friend coming over at x p.m. What time are you thinking of stopping by?"
Ok so this is what I said. Since she doesn't want to see me. I said, "I am perfectly fine with you seeing the dogs in fact they really need some extended time with you. I said, what were thinking 5-7. Anything after 745 is not good I have plans at the house. I said if you want more time you are more than welcome to come earlier. She then asked about 3-6 I said sounds perfect. NOW--- MY PLAN. I cleaned the back yard up really nice today, so gonna set it up lIke a party kinda, and I'm cleaning the house really good tonight. Really get the house looking and smelling good. Show her I am not just pining. And then I hung a huge oklahoma sooner flag on our bedroom wall lol. What do you think.
What do I think? I think you better be inviting some friends over! Sounds to me like you have a perfect excuse to get some serious GAL-partying in the works!!!
As for texts? Remember: shorter/less information is sweeter.
But I'd rather talk about an impromptu party! So who's on the guest list??
I am actually having one lol. A guy I met playing pool just went through D! And a few other people. yeah I figured I was a bit long winded with the text. Dangit lol. But I still think I have a good plan. And I'm gonna leave a little rack of lamb in the fridge. Her favorite and I never made it for her. Don't ask why!
Sounds perfect. See how good GAL feels?? Don't forget it.
you know i dont feel horrible when i GAL its just hard to GAL when i have already done so much, always been a adrenaline junky so all the fun crazy wild things we did together. now i am stuck with the fufu stuff. Not knocking it but still fufu. I am excited to learn salsa though, and glad for cooking.
I get that. But keep trying. Do what works. And don't dismiss something just because you think it will remind you of W. Keep trying.
(Remember, too, it will likely perplex your W that you're doing - alone/again - all the things you two did once only together. And that's not a BAD thing.
)
But I didn't drink yesterday. So I don't know!
Oh I thought I read you had drinks with your Friends. But ya it's natural...it's a rollercoasters marathon
Guys I do like the idea of preparing dinner while W is at the house but I wouldn't go over the top. Wearing some cologne, ok, but just don't overdo it. Women are smart, they will notice the small things and wonder, but also sense of you exaggerate
Good luck!
Definitely don't overdo it. Women tend to be naturally suspicious. So it's best if anything you guys do comes across as very natural. Even if it's a 180, make sure it's "organic." Easy. Smooth. Natural.
Great point, Complex.
Wife just called me but I missed call should I call back or send a text or just leave it?