WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/28/15 10:10 PM
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/28/15 10:33 PM
She has also been best mates with me again this evening. Initiating conversation about nothing in particular.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/29/15 09:06 AM
ooh we have snow this morning. My d* was very excited. took her willies to school...bless
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/29/15 09:28 AM
Lol I've just read what I've wrote. Willies hahahah
I meant wellies
I meant wellies
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/29/15 11:24 PM
No change really except I have filled in the paper work and pain initial fee for a rented house. Hoping it goes through in which case I will be gone in a few weeks. I haven't told my wife yet. She had been to our mutual friends tonight (apparently) came home chatty and being my friend again. Doing ok at the moment. Civil and friendly like a neighbour nothing more. At the moment I'm resigned to the fact that I don't want to be with this person any more. I feel it's just my pride and our daughter which gives me the moments of guilt and desperation. I look at her and don't regonise her. I'll need to discuss finance and child care in next few days. I hoping she doesn't start being the super bitch she can be and sees I'm leaving here with pretty much nothing for now but will at some point need some compensation.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/30/15 03:00 PM
Ahh
Just had the most boring 2 hour meeting. Whole time I was sat there just feeling angry. Things just stewing over in my mind. I felt ok this morning. actually slept reasonably well. But as the day has gone on my emotions are runing high.
Just had the most boring 2 hour meeting. Whole time I was sat there just feeling angry. Things just stewing over in my mind. I felt ok this morning. actually slept reasonably well. But as the day has gone on my emotions are runing high.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/30/15 06:10 PM
Hi SRD - good luck with the rental. Hope it all goes through ok for you. You may want to post here what and how you tell your W - plus any practical arrangements....others may have done things that might be helpful to think about before you speak to your W - and your D.
Sorry your emotions are running high....just try and stay cool. You are taking control of what you can here.
Sorry your emotions are running high....just try and stay cool. You are taking control of what you can here.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/30/15 11:43 PM
Ok
someone give me a 2x4..........ive blown all the rules tonight
All started when wife was asking where 2 bottles of proseco are. Now I ditched them on DDay as I found out OM had bought her one so in my rage I threw them all away.
so I said why and she was annoyed. Also asked if I had been in her fb account which I had. Seeing if she defriended my dad. So now she's really annoyed.
So we were both blaming each other and not taking any responsibility for the mess we're in. after a bit we calmed down and actually talked.
She is still really annoyed about me cheating on her 3 years ago. recons this is where it all began which isn't true. we were already in trouble. she was saying she thought I was one of the good guys and all men are bastards. I said I was sorry I let her down but ditto basically she has also let me down. She recons if I hadn't told her that she would feel different but now she feels vindicated in her decision to separate. I said that was Bull as she is seeing OM. whatever she said I could respond with that it is the same for both of us. She also said she was very sorry as well and for the 1st time she actually showed some remorse. We went over and over about us not really getting anywhere. I reiterated that I didn't want any of this either but that she had asked me to leave as she needs "space" and I said I would. I told her I understand that she is also just as upset as me and it hurts her just like me but that I cant keep waiting around in hope this will be fixed. I have to move on. I told her about my plan to move to this other house which again she was annoyed about. Saying why didn't I tell her. I said its the same for me, she hasn't mentioned a thing either about OM or her plans. she said she hasn't really spoken to him and hasn't seen him. we just went round in circles both upset getting nowhere. She wants me to stay around the corner really so we can be best friends for our D8. I said I cant do that, too many memories and I need to move on as does she. I did come across as needy which annoys me now. She still getting her cake an eat it. She is clear that her plan B for now is still here. It was obvious I still want to resolve this. In the end we were both resigned that I am moving out. she is still confused and isn't sure. I'm still no wiser about OM although it does seem he has little to do with it but while she is in contact with him it wont stop.
We were both really upset. both very unsure about what we need to do both very annoyed at each other. we did have a big long hug which is the first time in 6 months. both in tears.
has she just played me for a sucker. She now knows where i'm at. Basically back at square one!!!
someone give me a 2x4..........ive blown all the rules tonight
All started when wife was asking where 2 bottles of proseco are. Now I ditched them on DDay as I found out OM had bought her one so in my rage I threw them all away.
so I said why and she was annoyed. Also asked if I had been in her fb account which I had. Seeing if she defriended my dad. So now she's really annoyed.
So we were both blaming each other and not taking any responsibility for the mess we're in. after a bit we calmed down and actually talked.
She is still really annoyed about me cheating on her 3 years ago. recons this is where it all began which isn't true. we were already in trouble. she was saying she thought I was one of the good guys and all men are bastards. I said I was sorry I let her down but ditto basically she has also let me down. She recons if I hadn't told her that she would feel different but now she feels vindicated in her decision to separate. I said that was Bull as she is seeing OM. whatever she said I could respond with that it is the same for both of us. She also said she was very sorry as well and for the 1st time she actually showed some remorse. We went over and over about us not really getting anywhere. I reiterated that I didn't want any of this either but that she had asked me to leave as she needs "space" and I said I would. I told her I understand that she is also just as upset as me and it hurts her just like me but that I cant keep waiting around in hope this will be fixed. I have to move on. I told her about my plan to move to this other house which again she was annoyed about. Saying why didn't I tell her. I said its the same for me, she hasn't mentioned a thing either about OM or her plans. she said she hasn't really spoken to him and hasn't seen him. we just went round in circles both upset getting nowhere. She wants me to stay around the corner really so we can be best friends for our D8. I said I cant do that, too many memories and I need to move on as does she. I did come across as needy which annoys me now. She still getting her cake an eat it. She is clear that her plan B for now is still here. It was obvious I still want to resolve this. In the end we were both resigned that I am moving out. she is still confused and isn't sure. I'm still no wiser about OM although it does seem he has little to do with it but while she is in contact with him it wont stop.
We were both really upset. both very unsure about what we need to do both very annoyed at each other. we did have a big long hug which is the first time in 6 months. both in tears.
has she just played me for a sucker. She now knows where i'm at. Basically back at square one!!!
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 12:13 AM
Sometimes a 2x4 does no good. Bottom line is that you have to be self-disciplined enough to control yourself. Until you do, we can hit you up beside the head all day long and it won't do any good.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 12:16 AM
Phew.
Sounds similar to my night yesterday. Back to start DBing from scratch.
Although it didn't resolve your limbo at all. Limbo was killing me for so long.
But now I don't feel any better, even worse. At least for now. Divorce is on the table..it's getting real
Stay strong please. We can't get off course. Only let love talk, not anger, no grief. If you can't control yourself just leave. Tell her "I can't have a conversation with you when we are heated up, it's nothing personal but I want to do this right, so please respect that, let's calm down and talk later or tomorrow".
But like Mozza always tells me, things usually get much worse before they get better.
Sounds similar to my night yesterday. Back to start DBing from scratch.
Although it didn't resolve your limbo at all. Limbo was killing me for so long.
But now I don't feel any better, even worse. At least for now. Divorce is on the table..it's getting real
Stay strong please. We can't get off course. Only let love talk, not anger, no grief. If you can't control yourself just leave. Tell her "I can't have a conversation with you when we are heated up, it's nothing personal but I want to do this right, so please respect that, let's calm down and talk later or tomorrow".
But like Mozza always tells me, things usually get much worse before they get better.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 12:38 AM
I know Sandi. I'm really annoyed with myself for reacting. I got dragged into it easily. she tested the water showing me a chink of hope and I just fell for it hook line and sinker. Grrrrr!!!
I'm sure it's going to get worse complex. We need to tell our d8 in next couple of weeks.
I'm sure it's going to get worse complex. We need to tell our d8 in next couple of weeks.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 02:23 PM
Taken D8 horse riding this morning. Got back and wife is bringing relationship and us separating up. She was upset and worried about our D8 obviously. Emotions are running high at the moment in our house. Its very difficult to be around each other. I just reassured her we would all be ok. She was again apologetic. I again reiterated that we're both to blame. We both made choices but we would all be ok no matter what. Gave each other a hug again. The way things are nothing is going to get resolved whilst both together.
I'm sort of at ease that we aren't going to be together as hard as that is. I'm not sure she has come to turns with that yet. She obviously feels very guilty about what she is doing. I cant help her with that though. I have to deal with my own guilt and emotions whilst trying to be the best dad I can. every time she looked at me this morning her eyes were welling up. hard times ahead but we will both get through this.
We briefly discussed finances and agreed not to make any rash decisions about who needs what from the house. We can both manage for now. We will leave that for a future date when our emotions have calmed down.
I'm sort of at ease that we aren't going to be together as hard as that is. I'm not sure she has come to turns with that yet. She obviously feels very guilty about what she is doing. I cant help her with that though. I have to deal with my own guilt and emotions whilst trying to be the best dad I can. every time she looked at me this morning her eyes were welling up. hard times ahead but we will both get through this.
We briefly discussed finances and agreed not to make any rash decisions about who needs what from the house. We can both manage for now. We will leave that for a future date when our emotions have calmed down.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 02:42 PM
SRD, you handled that very well (nix the initiating of hugs if you can, but the "yes, this is hard on ALL of us" /"we'll be OK" stance is tone-perfect.
Don't get into any legal convos with her -- that's what lawyers are for.
Good job!
Starsky
Don't get into any legal convos with her -- that's what lawyers are for.
Good job!
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 03:36 PM
Hi Starsky
Its only the 2nd time we have hugged in at least 6 months. Its hard as she is in pain to. Its been a rollercoaster 24 hrs. She Is really struggling with fact we are breaking up our family. This is her choice though. I was prepared to try and resolve. I just said we have both made some very bad choices and now we need to live with them. I didn't ask anything about OM but it is clear she is still with him. She said "maybe you will meet someone" absolute WAW A script. Make her feel better if I did.. No point mentioning anything about OM as she is in complete fog and to be honest I don't care. No doubt believes that he will bring her happiness which i'm sure he does right now. His track record leaves a lot to be desired so we'll see. I don't believe she has told anyone not even her best friends from what I can gleam.
As far as money convos, yeah I'm just trying to keep it all friendly. Lawyers just bleed you dry. I got some advice about the house and I still have full rights so that's all I need to know right now. I just said we will need to revisit it in the future to which she agreed.
Its only the 2nd time we have hugged in at least 6 months. Its hard as she is in pain to. Its been a rollercoaster 24 hrs. She Is really struggling with fact we are breaking up our family. This is her choice though. I was prepared to try and resolve. I just said we have both made some very bad choices and now we need to live with them. I didn't ask anything about OM but it is clear she is still with him. She said "maybe you will meet someone" absolute WAW A script. Make her feel better if I did.. No point mentioning anything about OM as she is in complete fog and to be honest I don't care. No doubt believes that he will bring her happiness which i'm sure he does right now. His track record leaves a lot to be desired so we'll see. I don't believe she has told anyone not even her best friends from what I can gleam.
As far as money convos, yeah I'm just trying to keep it all friendly. Lawyers just bleed you dry. I got some advice about the house and I still have full rights so that's all I need to know right now. I just said we will need to revisit it in the future to which she agreed.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 03:50 PM
[quote=]
As far as money convos, yeah I'm just trying to keep it all friendly. Lawyers just bleed you dry. I got some advice about the house and I still have full rights so that's all I need to know right now. I just said we will need to revisit it in the future to which she agreed. [/quote]
I would STRONGLY urge you to reconsider this stance. You don't have to retain an expensive attorney if you cannot afford it (although it IS the best way to go if you CAN). You guys can work with a good mediator, affordably, and then each pay your own family law atty by the hour to review the mediated agreement and advise you before signing.
I hope it never comes to that for you guys, but if it does please protect yourself and don't be naive. Ours is by it's nature an adversarial legal system, and there's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the two parties' names.
Starsky
As far as money convos, yeah I'm just trying to keep it all friendly. Lawyers just bleed you dry. I got some advice about the house and I still have full rights so that's all I need to know right now. I just said we will need to revisit it in the future to which she agreed. [/quote]
I would STRONGLY urge you to reconsider this stance. You don't have to retain an expensive attorney if you cannot afford it (although it IS the best way to go if you CAN). You guys can work with a good mediator, affordably, and then each pay your own family law atty by the hour to review the mediated agreement and advise you before signing.
I hope it never comes to that for you guys, but if it does please protect yourself and don't be naive. Ours is by it's nature an adversarial legal system, and there's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the two parties' names.
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 04:39 PM
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
[quote=]
As far as money convos, yeah I'm just trying to keep it all friendly. Lawyers just bleed you dry. I got some advice about the house and I still have full rights so that's all I need to know right now. I just said we will need to revisit it in the future to which she agreed.
As far as money convos, yeah I'm just trying to keep it all friendly. Lawyers just bleed you dry. I got some advice about the house and I still have full rights so that's all I need to know right now. I just said we will need to revisit it in the future to which she agreed.
I would STRONGLY urge you to reconsider this stance. You don't have to retain an expensive attorney if you cannot afford it (although it IS the best way to go if you CAN). You guys can work with a good mediator, affordably, and then each pay your own family law atty by the hour to review the mediated agreement and advise you before signing.
I hope it never comes to that for you guys, but if it does please protect yourself and don't be naive. Ours is by it's nature an adversarial legal system, and there's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the two parties' names.
Starsky [/quote]
Hey starsky
I completely get what your saying. Im a child of a very acrimonious divorce so i'm not naïve to how things can go even when you both start out with best intentions. For now I have confirmed legally that I can if I so wish move back into my own home anytime. There is nothing she could do about that as it is jointly owned. This is what I needed to know. Once I've move out and have started to get my life back on track a bit I will definitely be taking some more legal advice surrounding separation/divorce. My wife is fully aware that she would need to buy me out of this house if this is going to be permanent. My rental will be 6 months and I can survive ok for now. Divorce hasn't been mentioned yet. I'm UK based by the way so not sure what difference is to US law.
Just as am example of solicitors, the one I spoke to the other day after giving me freely the advice I needed then started trying to sell me a £1000 separation agreement. I just laughed. That is a lot of money to me and the wife at the moment and there is no way I can afford to spend that just so someone can right down the rules of our separation. At the moment its amicable. I hope it stays that way but I do appreciate your point and I take it on board.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 01/31/15 06:43 PM
Ok, fair enough.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/01/15 07:47 AM
Was out with my mates last night. Was supposed to just be few a few drinks but I stayed out till late. Told wife I won't be back for tea and I'll have it tomorrow. All very friendly. I didn't get drunk as I'm ice skating today with d8
Chatted with my mates about us seperating but didn't mention about affair. They already know what I have done . They're both in sh1tty relationships. One is my mate who got divorced and now his ex remarried stil loves him. The other has been with someone for years with 2 kids. He talks about splitting up but stay together for financial and kids. Is anyone really happy.
Felt good to be out. The pain wore off for a bit.
My ex gf sister from 20 years ago was out. I haven't seen her in 15years or more. Anyway she came over was chit chatting. She has just separated from 2year R. I told her I was going through same thing. Then she was like"have you still got my number" I said no. So she said take my number give me a call and come round and see me........hmm not the best idea I dont think. Was flattering though.
Night was put into perspective of an old friend from school. He was chatting to my mate who later told me this guys wife had recently died. Breast cancer leaving 2 kids. Jeees that was pretty heartbreaking to here. My wife would bring this up all the tine regarding us as her mum died of breast cancer at 40 . She was always saying I wouldn't look after her like it was inevitable she would get it
Chatted with my mates about us seperating but didn't mention about affair. They already know what I have done . They're both in sh1tty relationships. One is my mate who got divorced and now his ex remarried stil loves him. The other has been with someone for years with 2 kids. He talks about splitting up but stay together for financial and kids. Is anyone really happy.
Felt good to be out. The pain wore off for a bit.
My ex gf sister from 20 years ago was out. I haven't seen her in 15years or more. Anyway she came over was chit chatting. She has just separated from 2year R. I told her I was going through same thing. Then she was like"have you still got my number" I said no. So she said take my number give me a call and come round and see me........hmm not the best idea I dont think. Was flattering though.
Night was put into perspective of an old friend from school. He was chatting to my mate who later told me this guys wife had recently died. Breast cancer leaving 2 kids. Jeees that was pretty heartbreaking to here. My wife would bring this up all the tine regarding us as her mum died of breast cancer at 40 . She was always saying I wouldn't look after her like it was inevitable she would get it
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/01/15 07:43 PM
Been skating today with D8. was great till she tweaked a muscle after an hour an we had to call it a day ! never mind.
On way home I was feeling angry. Im tired as not getting much sleep.
Anyway thrashing over in my head about wife and OM
My friend from last night said the same thing you here on these boards. His wife had a plan regarding leaving. And she did. Old school flame lined up who she married but now says she still in love with her 1st hubby my friend.
Anyway was thinking about excuses and Sh1t wife has come up with
She said it is not about OM. it clearly is. Although we have issues in our marriage no way would she be splitting her family up over them. If he wasn't around we could have resolved them.
I asked if she was going to live with him which she said no as he is in London anyway. So that confirms she is continuing it but annoying really they wont be going official with this as I believe it would die a death pretty quickly. The flaws would come to the surface pretty fast.
She is breaking our M up cos she is in the fog for her bus partner who's track record is shocking. He has 2 failed marriages and 3 kids and he doesn't give much of a sh!t about any of them from what i've read.
My wife seems to think we are all going to be one big happy family because that is what happened with her mum and dad. Her Dad and an affair, they separated but he was around at wife's house regular even though was with OW. What did happen though was wife's mum died a few years later and not too long after Dad split with affair partner and has never had a normal relationship since. That was 25 years ago.
Im carrying on as normal for now for sake of our daughter. When I move though which is her choice not mine I cant continue with this. I need to move on which is impossible whilst she is with OM but still wanting to be my best friend.
Will he man up and take her on. Or is he sat there now thinking sh!t what the hell have I done. I don't know and shouldn't care. I cant wait to get out. Get my lfe and self confidence back. No doubt it will be hard especially with D but my friend last night gave me confidence in how his daughter handled it.
On way home I was feeling angry. Im tired as not getting much sleep.
Anyway thrashing over in my head about wife and OM
My friend from last night said the same thing you here on these boards. His wife had a plan regarding leaving. And she did. Old school flame lined up who she married but now says she still in love with her 1st hubby my friend.
Anyway was thinking about excuses and Sh1t wife has come up with
She said it is not about OM. it clearly is. Although we have issues in our marriage no way would she be splitting her family up over them. If he wasn't around we could have resolved them.
I asked if she was going to live with him which she said no as he is in London anyway. So that confirms she is continuing it but annoying really they wont be going official with this as I believe it would die a death pretty quickly. The flaws would come to the surface pretty fast.
She is breaking our M up cos she is in the fog for her bus partner who's track record is shocking. He has 2 failed marriages and 3 kids and he doesn't give much of a sh!t about any of them from what i've read.
My wife seems to think we are all going to be one big happy family because that is what happened with her mum and dad. Her Dad and an affair, they separated but he was around at wife's house regular even though was with OW. What did happen though was wife's mum died a few years later and not too long after Dad split with affair partner and has never had a normal relationship since. That was 25 years ago.
Im carrying on as normal for now for sake of our daughter. When I move though which is her choice not mine I cant continue with this. I need to move on which is impossible whilst she is with OM but still wanting to be my best friend.
Will he man up and take her on. Or is he sat there now thinking sh!t what the hell have I done. I don't know and shouldn't care. I cant wait to get out. Get my lfe and self confidence back. No doubt it will be hard especially with D but my friend last night gave me confidence in how his daughter handled it.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/02/15 08:31 AM
Got to work this morning, messgae from wife. Why have i axed her from Instagram. I replied saying i havent, dont be daft.
Anyway then remebered i locked it down as some random idiot put some abusive comments on there. Anyway told her this and approved her access again. I just upload pics of D8.
A few IM's exchanged and then she says ill ring you when going to work. Why? she continues to have her cake and eat it. She wants me there on tap as her best friend, great dad and majority great husband but then gets her emotional fix met from other man.
Riding in to work this morning i was again feeling angry. She is so blind. Its so frustrating that she cant see it. Im so tired of this and exhausted with lack of sleep. I snapped at D8 yesterday and then felt terrible so made a fuss of her.
When W and I talked the otehr day she was going on again about how her dad used to come around after parents split and have has tea etc was there all the time. This is what she see's as her future. I wouldnt be surprised if once im gone she rings me to ask me to come and chop the wood and light our fire or kill spiders for her. Thats how f**cked up she is.
Anyway then remebered i locked it down as some random idiot put some abusive comments on there. Anyway told her this and approved her access again. I just upload pics of D8.
A few IM's exchanged and then she says ill ring you when going to work. Why? she continues to have her cake and eat it. She wants me there on tap as her best friend, great dad and majority great husband but then gets her emotional fix met from other man.
Riding in to work this morning i was again feeling angry. She is so blind. Its so frustrating that she cant see it. Im so tired of this and exhausted with lack of sleep. I snapped at D8 yesterday and then felt terrible so made a fuss of her.
When W and I talked the otehr day she was going on again about how her dad used to come around after parents split and have has tea etc was there all the time. This is what she see's as her future. I wouldnt be surprised if once im gone she rings me to ask me to come and chop the wood and light our fire or kill spiders for her. Thats how f**cked up she is.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/02/15 09:05 AM
Wife rang. Aksing if i could mail school about an issue with D8. i said yeah thats fine. She was then being dead chatty asking what time i went to work and that she didnt hear me leave. I was friendly but breif. Spoke to my D8 telling her to have a good day, love you etc. I cut the conversation and wife was super friendly again saying by,by see you later. WTF!
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/02/15 12:13 PM
Wife is being all friendly and needy again this morning looking for me to justify her actions. She hasnt contacted me this much since the 2 weeks ago before i found out. here is part of her email this morning
"I was all clingy this morning with her. She just buggered off into class and didn’t even line up! I went back to check with (teacher) as they were walking in and she said she’d gone to read quietly. Bloody hell. No bye nothing."
Now i know she feels sh1t to and i feel bad about that. But this is her choice. She has to get used to that as its going to get a lot worse regarding our d8
I replied in part with
"D8 won’t have meant anything by it, she will just be excited to get in school. You know that"
Im trying to keep friendly but not give in to her needing me to say its all alright what she is doing because it isnt. I know she feels guilty and in pain to but she has to see the effects her actions are having on our family. Im no angel but no way would i split my familiy up willingly. As far as im concerned our issues could have been worked out but she made a choice to put her want to be with someone else above resolving our marriage. The flip side to her feeling great with OM is the pain it causes everyone else.
"I was all clingy this morning with her. She just buggered off into class and didn’t even line up! I went back to check with (teacher) as they were walking in and she said she’d gone to read quietly. Bloody hell. No bye nothing."
Now i know she feels sh1t to and i feel bad about that. But this is her choice. She has to get used to that as its going to get a lot worse regarding our d8
I replied in part with
"D8 won’t have meant anything by it, she will just be excited to get in school. You know that"
Im trying to keep friendly but not give in to her needing me to say its all alright what she is doing because it isnt. I know she feels guilty and in pain to but she has to see the effects her actions are having on our family. Im no angel but no way would i split my familiy up willingly. As far as im concerned our issues could have been worked out but she made a choice to put her want to be with someone else above resolving our marriage. The flip side to her feeling great with OM is the pain it causes everyone else.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 09:58 AM
At home off work I'll. Feeling sorry for myself. Sh1t!
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 10:26 AM
""D8 won’t have meant anything by it, she will just be excited to get in school. You know that"
Don't say stuff like that. It absolves her from blame. the FACT is that it is because of your W's actions. You don't have to rub it in her face, but you could have just said "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure it was tough for you".
Don't say stuff like that. It absolves her from blame. the FACT is that it is because of your W's actions. You don't have to rub it in her face, but you could have just said "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure it was tough for you".
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 11:15 AM
Hi SRD
sorry to hear you're under the weather, I had the lurgy last week - I recommend a rum toddy if it agrees with you worked for me, or at least I didnt care about being ill afterwards.
MrB is right (again - he'll think Im cyber stalking him soon) it's really, really easy to write too much on email and text (check my old threads Im a past master at not knowing when to STFU and digging a hole climbing in it then continuing to dig before saying oh, bugger) theres some really good info on warm validation around in the books and also on here.
Basically though (as I mentioned to Jim this morning) I think its a tightrope act between warm validation and showing no hostility and not being completely absolving. Not easy, hang in there.
sorry to hear you're under the weather, I had the lurgy last week - I recommend a rum toddy if it agrees with you worked for me, or at least I didnt care about being ill afterwards.
MrB is right (again - he'll think Im cyber stalking him soon) it's really, really easy to write too much on email and text (check my old threads Im a past master at not knowing when to STFU and digging a hole climbing in it then continuing to dig before saying oh, bugger) theres some really good info on warm validation around in the books and also on here.
Basically though (as I mentioned to Jim this morning) I think its a tightrope act between warm validation and showing no hostility and not being completely absolving. Not easy, hang in there.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 12:26 PM
Hey mr bond, edz
I did deliberate for quite a while before replying. The mail she sent me a lot longer and really p1ssed me off as she was looking for sympathy. She was similar at weekend saying d8 will be ok kids are resilient blah blah. D8 will be ok but absolutely no doubt she will be very hurt. She was going on about some celebrity who has a great relationship with first wife blah blah again looking for me to justify her actions. I just can't. It's like I dont even know her
Anyway the email back....I thought I was being friendly but without pandering to her needs. .? Should I be tougher? Hard to get the right mix.
I discussed it with my mate at work before sending and he was also amazed at how she is behaving. His suggestion.......send back a picture of OM with a crudely drawn c**k on his head saying tell it to someone who cares......I was tempted and it did make me laugh at least.
I did deliberate for quite a while before replying. The mail she sent me a lot longer and really p1ssed me off as she was looking for sympathy. She was similar at weekend saying d8 will be ok kids are resilient blah blah. D8 will be ok but absolutely no doubt she will be very hurt. She was going on about some celebrity who has a great relationship with first wife blah blah again looking for me to justify her actions. I just can't. It's like I dont even know her
Anyway the email back....I thought I was being friendly but without pandering to her needs. .? Should I be tougher? Hard to get the right mix.
I discussed it with my mate at work before sending and he was also amazed at how she is behaving. His suggestion.......send back a picture of OM with a crudely drawn c**k on his head saying tell it to someone who cares......I was tempted and it did make me laugh at least.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 01:21 PM
Hi SRD, sorry you're not feeling well. It's not a case of being tougher, it's about not absolving her of blame - purely validating.
You replied to your W, saying it wasn't due to that - but you could merely have validated as Mr B suggests. Have you seen Wonkas validation cheat sheet? These are the kind of replies to make.
You replied to your W, saying it wasn't due to that - but you could merely have validated as Mr B suggests. Have you seen Wonkas validation cheat sheet? These are the kind of replies to make.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 02:36 PM
Hi toots
Just found it I'll have a read
Just found it I'll have a read
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 08:01 PM
"The mail she sent me a lot longer and really p1ssed me off as she was looking for sympathy."
Mindreading.
"She was similar at weekend saying d8 will be ok kids are resilient blah blah. D8 will be ok but absolutely no doubt she will be very hurt. She was going on about some celebrity who has a great relationship with first wife blah blah again looking for me to justify her actions."
You're not getting it. When she tells you that, she's opening up a little about her reality. You can use that to your advantage. If you just shut it out, you won't know how to change it. Have you gone to counseling for yourself to learn how to communicate and listen better to your W?
"I just can't. It's like I dont even know her"
Her telling you that is her tell you how she is now.
"I discussed it with my mate at work before sending and he was also amazed at how she is behaving. His suggestion.......send back a picture of OM with a crudely drawn c**k on his head saying tell it to someone who cares......I was tempted and it did make me laugh at least."
Did you read the books? There' s reason why you don't start sharing your story with everyone. It's funny for a laugh, you'll get support on your side, etc. But inside your friend now thinks your W is a sl@t. And no matter how "secretive" he is, he might tell someone. Then everyone will have that impression of her because they would only have his side of the story. That's how rumors get started and I'm sure you like everyone thinking your W sleeps around.
Mindreading.
"She was similar at weekend saying d8 will be ok kids are resilient blah blah. D8 will be ok but absolutely no doubt she will be very hurt. She was going on about some celebrity who has a great relationship with first wife blah blah again looking for me to justify her actions."
You're not getting it. When she tells you that, she's opening up a little about her reality. You can use that to your advantage. If you just shut it out, you won't know how to change it. Have you gone to counseling for yourself to learn how to communicate and listen better to your W?
"I just can't. It's like I dont even know her"
Her telling you that is her tell you how she is now.
"I discussed it with my mate at work before sending and he was also amazed at how she is behaving. His suggestion.......send back a picture of OM with a crudely drawn c**k on his head saying tell it to someone who cares......I was tempted and it did make me laugh at least."
Did you read the books? There' s reason why you don't start sharing your story with everyone. It's funny for a laugh, you'll get support on your side, etc. But inside your friend now thinks your W is a sl@t. And no matter how "secretive" he is, he might tell someone. Then everyone will have that impression of her because they would only have his side of the story. That's how rumors get started and I'm sure you like everyone thinking your W sleeps around.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/03/15 10:53 PM
Hey mr bond
Yes I have read the books. No I'm not in councilling . I don't have any money for councilling . You guys on here are my counselling.
As far as telling my freind at work, he has never met nor knows my wife. He is a trusted colleague. I told him what had gone on the day after bd. I was in a complete daze. He took me for a coffee gave me his ear. What was said the other day was just male joking. I'm pretty crude and lude in general. It was purely just a joke between us and made me laugh for a moment. Obviously no way would I send anything to anyone that would be disrespectful to my wife and family. My upmost thought is to protect my daughter from this. At weekend with my best friends I've known for 35 years I didn't say what had gone on. Just that we were seperating. I'm not an innocent party. I also cheated 1 night stand no sex. My 2 best friends know about this but don't judge. When wife found out about my faults she text a mutual friend asking about this girl. I was angry about that as paints me to be the only bad guy. I haven't said anything about that though. I'm not here to score points off her. I'm not sharing the story. That is for her to do if she so wishes. If she does have a normal relationship with OM it will be pretty obvious anyway what has gone on. Doesn't take a genius to work that out. My dad knows but he guessed months ago after seeing fb pics. He asked me at the time.
Mind reading....yes I'll give you that even though I do believe she was looking for sympathy. I can't know for sure is what you're saying.
Yes she is opening up about her reality. It's hard to hear it though as her reality is completely skewed. She is in fantasy land. I didn't comment on what she said as I didn't know what to say really. " yes it will all be great you just carry on dear" I just want to shake her and say wtf are you doing. Please wake up. I know if this was someone else she would be mortified by their behaviour.
Communication skills......well that's why we're at this point because they are lacking in both of us. I think this is key to why most people end up in this situation. Can I reestablish them....well not at the moment. She is done with me and to be honest I'm done with her for now. I'm living in a daze with a wife who sees me as only her best friend and thinks it can all stay that way. For my sanity it can't. I need to move on. Get some space. Get the person I was when we met back. Not to impress the wife but because I was a much more confident outgoing person back then. I think over the last few years with our role reversal I've let my wife walk all over me and treat me with disrespect as all she sees is a less ambitious generally stay at home dad. Compared to other man who physically is not her type at all but together they are running a succeful business built from scatch. Both emotionally going through a tough time. Easy to see which she finds more attractive.
I appreciate your advice, from all of you. It's all that keeps me sain At the moment.
Yes I have read the books. No I'm not in councilling . I don't have any money for councilling . You guys on here are my counselling.
As far as telling my freind at work, he has never met nor knows my wife. He is a trusted colleague. I told him what had gone on the day after bd. I was in a complete daze. He took me for a coffee gave me his ear. What was said the other day was just male joking. I'm pretty crude and lude in general. It was purely just a joke between us and made me laugh for a moment. Obviously no way would I send anything to anyone that would be disrespectful to my wife and family. My upmost thought is to protect my daughter from this. At weekend with my best friends I've known for 35 years I didn't say what had gone on. Just that we were seperating. I'm not an innocent party. I also cheated 1 night stand no sex. My 2 best friends know about this but don't judge. When wife found out about my faults she text a mutual friend asking about this girl. I was angry about that as paints me to be the only bad guy. I haven't said anything about that though. I'm not here to score points off her. I'm not sharing the story. That is for her to do if she so wishes. If she does have a normal relationship with OM it will be pretty obvious anyway what has gone on. Doesn't take a genius to work that out. My dad knows but he guessed months ago after seeing fb pics. He asked me at the time.
Mind reading....yes I'll give you that even though I do believe she was looking for sympathy. I can't know for sure is what you're saying.
Yes she is opening up about her reality. It's hard to hear it though as her reality is completely skewed. She is in fantasy land. I didn't comment on what she said as I didn't know what to say really. " yes it will all be great you just carry on dear" I just want to shake her and say wtf are you doing. Please wake up. I know if this was someone else she would be mortified by their behaviour.
Communication skills......well that's why we're at this point because they are lacking in both of us. I think this is key to why most people end up in this situation. Can I reestablish them....well not at the moment. She is done with me and to be honest I'm done with her for now. I'm living in a daze with a wife who sees me as only her best friend and thinks it can all stay that way. For my sanity it can't. I need to move on. Get some space. Get the person I was when we met back. Not to impress the wife but because I was a much more confident outgoing person back then. I think over the last few years with our role reversal I've let my wife walk all over me and treat me with disrespect as all she sees is a less ambitious generally stay at home dad. Compared to other man who physically is not her type at all but together they are running a succeful business built from scatch. Both emotionally going through a tough time. Easy to see which she finds more attractive.
I appreciate your advice, from all of you. It's all that keeps me sain At the moment.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 12:34 AM
"As far as telling my freind at work, he has never met nor knows my wife. He is a trusted colleague."
You'll find out real fast that there is no one who can be considered "trusted".
"Obviously no way would I send anything to anyone that would be disrespectful to my wife and family."
You just did. I know it was a joke about the OM, but it is a part of you and your W's situation. And what do you think your colleague is going to think if you and your W reconcile and meets your W? He will always have that impression of her.
"I'm not an innocent party. I also cheated 1 night stand no sex. My 2 best friends know about this but don't judge."
Of course not, because they're your friends. Get real.
"When wife found out about my faults she text a mutual friend asking about this girl. I was angry about that as paints me to be the only bad guy."
You are. Even if you did it when your W had her A, bottom line is that you had an A.
"I haven't said anything about that though. I'm not here to score points off her."
You just did.
"Yes she is opening up about her reality. It's hard to hear it though as her reality is completely skewed. She is in fantasy land."
It's not a "fantasy". It's time you got real about that. This is what she wants over you. For whatever reason, she's not a mental patient, she has made a conscience decision to do this. If you let your ego and pride get in the way, you won't be able to hear what she needs and is getting from this other guy what she felt she couldn't get from you.
To be clear, it's not your fault that she has an A. That's a choice she made the same way you did. You have the perfect opportunity to learn about what makes a successful relationship and how to communicate well.
You'll find out real fast that there is no one who can be considered "trusted".
"Obviously no way would I send anything to anyone that would be disrespectful to my wife and family."
You just did. I know it was a joke about the OM, but it is a part of you and your W's situation. And what do you think your colleague is going to think if you and your W reconcile and meets your W? He will always have that impression of her.
"I'm not an innocent party. I also cheated 1 night stand no sex. My 2 best friends know about this but don't judge."
Of course not, because they're your friends. Get real.
"When wife found out about my faults she text a mutual friend asking about this girl. I was angry about that as paints me to be the only bad guy."
You are. Even if you did it when your W had her A, bottom line is that you had an A.
"I haven't said anything about that though. I'm not here to score points off her."
You just did.
"Yes she is opening up about her reality. It's hard to hear it though as her reality is completely skewed. She is in fantasy land."
It's not a "fantasy". It's time you got real about that. This is what she wants over you. For whatever reason, she's not a mental patient, she has made a conscience decision to do this. If you let your ego and pride get in the way, you won't be able to hear what she needs and is getting from this other guy what she felt she couldn't get from you.
To be clear, it's not your fault that she has an A. That's a choice she made the same way you did. You have the perfect opportunity to learn about what makes a successful relationship and how to communicate well.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 05:15 AM
To be honest SRD, you sound like you got it! You seem very mature, focused on the right now. Not like me and other people in here that are continuously hanging onto the past, not being able to move forward. I think you made some good process.
I wish you all the best of luck that W will at some point realize. Continue being the man only a fool would leave.
How long is OM in the picture? I read an article on another marriage saving homepage that said that emotions in an A in almost all cases last between 3 months and 36 months before they fade. I guess it's true for most R, where feelings start to fade after 2-3 years.
I wish you all the best of luck that W will at some point realize. Continue being the man only a fool would leave.
How long is OM in the picture? I read an article on another marriage saving homepage that said that emotions in an A in almost all cases last between 3 months and 36 months before they fade. I guess it's true for most R, where feelings start to fade after 2-3 years.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:49 AM
Hey Mr Bond
Thanks for the reply. Being a vet I value your opinion but I think some of what I'm trying to say is getting lost in written communication.
I agree I will no doubt find out who and what trusted means. I say trusted as I believe him to be. As far as im aware he does not think my wife is some sort of Sl**g. He has never once shown that. In fact he has been supportive, talking about a similar situation within his own family where the spouses did eventually get back together. He has asked about if there is any chance we can reconcile. We have had lots of discussion about marriage and affairs in general. Like I said, he doesn't know my wife, has never met my wife, nor is ever likely to meet my wife. He is someone who just listens. I cant just carry this burden on my own. I do need to talk to someone. As far as the comment about OM it was purely about OM. It was a comment my friend at work made as a joke. It relieved the pain for a whole 10 seconds while I laughed. This wasnt sent to anyone. There was no derogatory term used about my wife at all. Of course im angry about the other man. I know him, he's been in my house, he's met my daughter and they have both used me in helping to set up their business.
As far as my friends you are off the mark. I have known these people nearly my whole life. I see them very infrequently. When I told them we were separating they were there for me. They said if I need anything then just ask. They don't know what my wife has done. They only know what I have done in the past.
My wife texting mutual friend was not on. I could have been spiteful and told our mutual friend and the whole world what my wife is doing but i haven't. It isnt my place to do so. So yes it paints me out to be the only person who is in the wrong here. Granted i have done wrong also but you know what, if we both sat down with everyone i would be prepared to tell my side of the story. Get it all out. Would my wife do that right now? Absolutley no way. she has already said so.
Will i just suck it up. Of course i will because of D8. So please explain how im point scoring if i havent said anything about it? I havent even said anything to my wife about it.
I agree. It is her reality but as we both know affairs are fantasy. I have had an affair. Before i met my wife. I met a married woman. We saw each other for months until she started talking about leaving her hubby (who was abusive) to be with me. Then i was no way. that was the end of that. The gloss wore off when reality set in. This is the same woman who is now remarried and tried to hook up with me 6 months ago. I rebuffed her. They are not normal relationships. Normal realtionships are where 2 people meet without having to lie and manipulate everyone around them and i mean everyone. Her employees, me our D8 her family my family her friends his family his freinds. Nobody knows about it. Until i found out. They are built on lies and deceit. Does this mean it will never be a "normal" relationship, no. But as it stands it is their little secret. She has chosen him and of course that hurts. What does it hurt. It hurts my pride. It jolts my ego. It makes you want that person even though i know its for teh wrong reasons.
I wasnt happy for a long time either hence me acepting attention from someone else.
What does she get from OM? Comfort, emotional connection no doubt he makes her feel great.
Im trying not to comapare here but i will just for the sake of it.
Would she look twice at this guy if he walked down the street? no, he is a lot older and physically not her type at all. Does he have a good track record of being a good family man? No. He spent a lot of time away from his family to set up his business even though they didnt want him to. I have seen communication between him and his kids where he is just point blank lying to them. Not even that, he has then tried to manipulate them to put them in the wrong all to protect his affair. I have seen he has lied to his wider family about the affair. he has lied about business value to pay out less to his wife. He has 2 failed marriages 3 children one of which has serious behaviour probelms and 2 others who now have little time with him as he chose his needs over his familys. He lives 300 miles away. I could go on. Now if that was his advert in dating website do you think he'd get many hits? But this is why i use the words fantasy because although for her i get it its real the feelings she feels are real because i have been there, if she could look in on herself then she would be mortified. What does he get from this? My wife of course. 13 years younger and well out of his league if he and she were just walking down the street. An escape from his normality. He is alone so he gets her friendship and comfort. An ear to listen about his issues with family.
I am a little concerned about my D8 ever being around this man having read some incidents with hs own children.
What will happen? No idea. as i see it they can continue in secret which is probably preferrable right now or they come out and go public at some point. Option 2 though comes with a lot of risk.
I cant control any of it.
Do i really want my wife back? I just dont know. certainly not as she is now or has been for along time. She would say the same about me. If she said tomorrow lets get back together but nothing was resolved we'd just be in the same boat further down the line. Ego, pride are the pull at the minute. The fact that im having to lose my house, seeing my daugter daily, my lifestyle, my cat, and also my wife who at the end of the day is still my friend.
I know the affair is not my fault. I was fuel to the fire though. It was her choice to cross that line and to continue to cross that line. I'm not proud of what i have done either. We both made choices, very bad ones. We must now live with them along with everyone else.
Thanks for the reply. Being a vet I value your opinion but I think some of what I'm trying to say is getting lost in written communication.
I agree I will no doubt find out who and what trusted means. I say trusted as I believe him to be. As far as im aware he does not think my wife is some sort of Sl**g. He has never once shown that. In fact he has been supportive, talking about a similar situation within his own family where the spouses did eventually get back together. He has asked about if there is any chance we can reconcile. We have had lots of discussion about marriage and affairs in general. Like I said, he doesn't know my wife, has never met my wife, nor is ever likely to meet my wife. He is someone who just listens. I cant just carry this burden on my own. I do need to talk to someone. As far as the comment about OM it was purely about OM. It was a comment my friend at work made as a joke. It relieved the pain for a whole 10 seconds while I laughed. This wasnt sent to anyone. There was no derogatory term used about my wife at all. Of course im angry about the other man. I know him, he's been in my house, he's met my daughter and they have both used me in helping to set up their business.
As far as my friends you are off the mark. I have known these people nearly my whole life. I see them very infrequently. When I told them we were separating they were there for me. They said if I need anything then just ask. They don't know what my wife has done. They only know what I have done in the past.
My wife texting mutual friend was not on. I could have been spiteful and told our mutual friend and the whole world what my wife is doing but i haven't. It isnt my place to do so. So yes it paints me out to be the only person who is in the wrong here. Granted i have done wrong also but you know what, if we both sat down with everyone i would be prepared to tell my side of the story. Get it all out. Would my wife do that right now? Absolutley no way. she has already said so.
Will i just suck it up. Of course i will because of D8. So please explain how im point scoring if i havent said anything about it? I havent even said anything to my wife about it.
I agree. It is her reality but as we both know affairs are fantasy. I have had an affair. Before i met my wife. I met a married woman. We saw each other for months until she started talking about leaving her hubby (who was abusive) to be with me. Then i was no way. that was the end of that. The gloss wore off when reality set in. This is the same woman who is now remarried and tried to hook up with me 6 months ago. I rebuffed her. They are not normal relationships. Normal realtionships are where 2 people meet without having to lie and manipulate everyone around them and i mean everyone. Her employees, me our D8 her family my family her friends his family his freinds. Nobody knows about it. Until i found out. They are built on lies and deceit. Does this mean it will never be a "normal" relationship, no. But as it stands it is their little secret. She has chosen him and of course that hurts. What does it hurt. It hurts my pride. It jolts my ego. It makes you want that person even though i know its for teh wrong reasons.
I wasnt happy for a long time either hence me acepting attention from someone else.
What does she get from OM? Comfort, emotional connection no doubt he makes her feel great.
Im trying not to comapare here but i will just for the sake of it.
Would she look twice at this guy if he walked down the street? no, he is a lot older and physically not her type at all. Does he have a good track record of being a good family man? No. He spent a lot of time away from his family to set up his business even though they didnt want him to. I have seen communication between him and his kids where he is just point blank lying to them. Not even that, he has then tried to manipulate them to put them in the wrong all to protect his affair. I have seen he has lied to his wider family about the affair. he has lied about business value to pay out less to his wife. He has 2 failed marriages 3 children one of which has serious behaviour probelms and 2 others who now have little time with him as he chose his needs over his familys. He lives 300 miles away. I could go on. Now if that was his advert in dating website do you think he'd get many hits? But this is why i use the words fantasy because although for her i get it its real the feelings she feels are real because i have been there, if she could look in on herself then she would be mortified. What does he get from this? My wife of course. 13 years younger and well out of his league if he and she were just walking down the street. An escape from his normality. He is alone so he gets her friendship and comfort. An ear to listen about his issues with family.
I am a little concerned about my D8 ever being around this man having read some incidents with hs own children.
What will happen? No idea. as i see it they can continue in secret which is probably preferrable right now or they come out and go public at some point. Option 2 though comes with a lot of risk.
I cant control any of it.
Do i really want my wife back? I just dont know. certainly not as she is now or has been for along time. She would say the same about me. If she said tomorrow lets get back together but nothing was resolved we'd just be in the same boat further down the line. Ego, pride are the pull at the minute. The fact that im having to lose my house, seeing my daugter daily, my lifestyle, my cat, and also my wife who at the end of the day is still my friend.
I know the affair is not my fault. I was fuel to the fire though. It was her choice to cross that line and to continue to cross that line. I'm not proud of what i have done either. We both made choices, very bad ones. We must now live with them along with everyone else.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 10:13 AM
"Being a vet I value your opinion but I think some of what I'm trying to say is getting lost in written communication."
Actually I understand what you're trying to say quite well. In fact, your long response just verified it. And it also shows that you're not willing to listen yet and are keeping a scorecard.
"I agree I will no doubt find out who and what trusted means. I say trusted as I believe him to be. As far as im aware he does not think my wife is some sort of Sl**g. He has never once shown that."
Then you don't understand human nature. You told him your side with a heavy emphasis on the A. If your W were to talk to him, she would paint a very different picture. People naturally side with the person they know.
"Like I said, he doesn't know my wife, has never met my wife, nor is ever likely to meet my wife."
You never know.
"He is someone who just listens. I cant just carry this burden on my own. I do need to talk to someone."
Then talk to a professional counselor who will actually teach you something rather than just a sympathetic ear.
"As far as the comment about OM it was purely about OM. It was a comment my friend at work made as a joke."
Yes and it was sparked by your talk about your W. I don't see how you're not getting that correlation. He made a crude remark based off of what you told him. Not very helpful.
"It relieved the pain for a whole 10 seconds while I laughed. This wasnt sent to anyone. There was no derogatory term used about my wife at all."
Showing a c*ck to represent a guy whom your W is choosing to see over you, is a derogatory term used towards your W.
"As far as my friends you are off the mark. I have known these people nearly my whole life."
Which is why they're not going to "judge" you. You're they're buddy and quite honestly, if you were to commit a crime, they wouldn't be turning you in either no matter how uncomfortable they are. And so you told them that you had an A. That you were wrong to do, but they didn't scold you for it. Same way as your W's friends don't bug her about hers.
You had an A. Doesn't matter if it was a one night stand (you saying this is just you trying to justify it). Ask any woman on here and see if they wouldn't consider a ONS from there H as cheating.
"My wife texting mutual friend was not on. I could have been spiteful and told our mutual friend and the whole world what my wife is doing but i haven't."
You just did to your colleague.
"It isnt my place to do so."
But you did anyway.
"So yes it paints me out to be the only person who is in the wrong here."
No you're still keeping a scorecard. You want to be "right". You want to be recognized for your "sacrifice". You want recognition from your W.
"Granted i have done wrong also but you know what, if we both sat down with everyone i would be prepared to tell my side of the story. Get it all out."
Why do you feel like EVERYONE needs to know? This is a matter between you and your W. Period.
"Would my wife do that right now? Absolutley no way."
Nor should she have to. Telling everyone is just what YOU want to do to satisfy your ego.
"she has already said so."
I'm surprised that you sound surprised.
"Will i just suck it up. Of course i will because of D8."
How very self righteous of you.
"So please explain how im point scoring if i havent said anything about it? I havent even said anything to my wife about it."
Because you just spent a very long time writing a post showing you point scoring.
"I agree. It is her reality but as we both know affairs are fantasy."
Not really. Many affairs are a result of one person not getting a need fulfilled from the other person.
"I have had an affair. Before i met my wife. I met a married woman. We saw each other for months until she started talking about leaving her hubby (who was abusive) to be with me. Then i was no way. that was the end of that. The gloss wore off when reality set in."
For you, you didn't want the responsibility. You just enjoyed being with this woman to satisfy your own ego. Then when it became (in your words) "real", you bailed. You were the cause of breaking up the M. Doesn't matter if her H was abusive. She saw you as fulfilling her need the same way this OM does to your W. It's real.
"This is the same woman who is now remarried and tried to hook up with me 6 months ago. I rebuffed her."
How very self-righteous you are.
"But as it stands it is their little secret. She has chosen him and of course that hurts. What does it hurt. It hurts my pride. It jolts my ego."
Ah there you go.
"I wasnt happy for a long time either hence me acepting attention from someone else."
So? You could have done the honorable thing by going to C or D'ing her.But you had an A to stroke your ego.
"Would she look twice at this guy if he walked down the street? no, he is a lot older and physically not her type at all."
Then you don't understand A's at all. it doesn't matter how he is with his family. All that matters is how he is with her.
"Not even that, he has then tried to manipulate them to put them in the wrong all to protect his affair."
Going back, his control and manipulation is similar to yours. In fact, in your first thread, you wrote "My wife for the most part of our time together was very intimate on a regular basis but this has just drifted further and further.
I would bring this up every so often doing all the wrong things, blaming, only seeing my own needs, threatening separation/divorce etc. (stupid I no know)"
"I am a little concerned about my D8 ever being around this man having read some incidents with hs own children."
I'm sure your D saw how you acted towards your W and how you threatened S/D. I don't think those actions are proud points either.
"Do i really want my wife back? I just dont know. certainly not as she is now or has been for along time. She would say the same about me."
Comparing points again. If you're willing to take ownership
"Ego, pride are the pull at the minute. The fact that im having to lose my house, seeing my daugter daily, my lifestyle, my cat, and also my wife who at the end of the day is still my friend."
Ego and pride are what drive YOU and what got you in this mess in the first place. And I like how you added your W AFTER the cat.
"I'm not proud of what i have done either. We both made choices, very bad ones. We must now live with them along with everyone else."
What's with all the "WE"? Take ownership to what YOU did wrong. That's all you can do. Correct those things and lose the ego and attitude. Yes, I've been here a long time and I've seen MANY men who are EXACTLY like you. The ones who were able to save their M were willing to listen, lose the ego and learn. Those who let their pride stand in their way, crashed and burned.
Actually I understand what you're trying to say quite well. In fact, your long response just verified it. And it also shows that you're not willing to listen yet and are keeping a scorecard.
"I agree I will no doubt find out who and what trusted means. I say trusted as I believe him to be. As far as im aware he does not think my wife is some sort of Sl**g. He has never once shown that."
Then you don't understand human nature. You told him your side with a heavy emphasis on the A. If your W were to talk to him, she would paint a very different picture. People naturally side with the person they know.
"Like I said, he doesn't know my wife, has never met my wife, nor is ever likely to meet my wife."
You never know.
"He is someone who just listens. I cant just carry this burden on my own. I do need to talk to someone."
Then talk to a professional counselor who will actually teach you something rather than just a sympathetic ear.
"As far as the comment about OM it was purely about OM. It was a comment my friend at work made as a joke."
Yes and it was sparked by your talk about your W. I don't see how you're not getting that correlation. He made a crude remark based off of what you told him. Not very helpful.
"It relieved the pain for a whole 10 seconds while I laughed. This wasnt sent to anyone. There was no derogatory term used about my wife at all."
Showing a c*ck to represent a guy whom your W is choosing to see over you, is a derogatory term used towards your W.
"As far as my friends you are off the mark. I have known these people nearly my whole life."
Which is why they're not going to "judge" you. You're they're buddy and quite honestly, if you were to commit a crime, they wouldn't be turning you in either no matter how uncomfortable they are. And so you told them that you had an A. That you were wrong to do, but they didn't scold you for it. Same way as your W's friends don't bug her about hers.
You had an A. Doesn't matter if it was a one night stand (you saying this is just you trying to justify it). Ask any woman on here and see if they wouldn't consider a ONS from there H as cheating.
"My wife texting mutual friend was not on. I could have been spiteful and told our mutual friend and the whole world what my wife is doing but i haven't."
You just did to your colleague.
"It isnt my place to do so."
But you did anyway.
"So yes it paints me out to be the only person who is in the wrong here."
No you're still keeping a scorecard. You want to be "right". You want to be recognized for your "sacrifice". You want recognition from your W.
"Granted i have done wrong also but you know what, if we both sat down with everyone i would be prepared to tell my side of the story. Get it all out."
Why do you feel like EVERYONE needs to know? This is a matter between you and your W. Period.
"Would my wife do that right now? Absolutley no way."
Nor should she have to. Telling everyone is just what YOU want to do to satisfy your ego.
"she has already said so."
I'm surprised that you sound surprised.
"Will i just suck it up. Of course i will because of D8."
How very self righteous of you.
"So please explain how im point scoring if i havent said anything about it? I havent even said anything to my wife about it."
Because you just spent a very long time writing a post showing you point scoring.
"I agree. It is her reality but as we both know affairs are fantasy."
Not really. Many affairs are a result of one person not getting a need fulfilled from the other person.
"I have had an affair. Before i met my wife. I met a married woman. We saw each other for months until she started talking about leaving her hubby (who was abusive) to be with me. Then i was no way. that was the end of that. The gloss wore off when reality set in."
For you, you didn't want the responsibility. You just enjoyed being with this woman to satisfy your own ego. Then when it became (in your words) "real", you bailed. You were the cause of breaking up the M. Doesn't matter if her H was abusive. She saw you as fulfilling her need the same way this OM does to your W. It's real.
"This is the same woman who is now remarried and tried to hook up with me 6 months ago. I rebuffed her."
How very self-righteous you are.
"But as it stands it is their little secret. She has chosen him and of course that hurts. What does it hurt. It hurts my pride. It jolts my ego."
Ah there you go.
"I wasnt happy for a long time either hence me acepting attention from someone else."
So? You could have done the honorable thing by going to C or D'ing her.But you had an A to stroke your ego.
"Would she look twice at this guy if he walked down the street? no, he is a lot older and physically not her type at all."
Then you don't understand A's at all. it doesn't matter how he is with his family. All that matters is how he is with her.
"Not even that, he has then tried to manipulate them to put them in the wrong all to protect his affair."
Going back, his control and manipulation is similar to yours. In fact, in your first thread, you wrote "My wife for the most part of our time together was very intimate on a regular basis but this has just drifted further and further.
I would bring this up every so often doing all the wrong things, blaming, only seeing my own needs, threatening separation/divorce etc. (stupid I no know)"
"I am a little concerned about my D8 ever being around this man having read some incidents with hs own children."
I'm sure your D saw how you acted towards your W and how you threatened S/D. I don't think those actions are proud points either.
"Do i really want my wife back? I just dont know. certainly not as she is now or has been for along time. She would say the same about me."
Comparing points again. If you're willing to take ownership
"Ego, pride are the pull at the minute. The fact that im having to lose my house, seeing my daugter daily, my lifestyle, my cat, and also my wife who at the end of the day is still my friend."
Ego and pride are what drive YOU and what got you in this mess in the first place. And I like how you added your W AFTER the cat.
"I'm not proud of what i have done either. We both made choices, very bad ones. We must now live with them along with everyone else."
What's with all the "WE"? Take ownership to what YOU did wrong. That's all you can do. Correct those things and lose the ego and attitude. Yes, I've been here a long time and I've seen MANY men who are EXACTLY like you. The ones who were able to save their M were willing to listen, lose the ego and learn. Those who let their pride stand in their way, crashed and burned.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 11:10 AM
Mr Bond
Your killing me right now
sat here bloody crying!
I know everything you're saying is right. It is hard for me to step back and look at it all rationally.
My ego and pride I know are very much stood in my way at the moment.
I do need to stand up, I do need to take ownership of what I have done and stop looking out with blame.
When I talk about wanting my wife back I am trying to take an honest view. I don't actually know. it is my pride and ego that says I do. So I can say I won. I got her back from you. For what. So that in months/years to come we're in the same boat. Your right, my reasons for wanting her back right now are not sincere.
My daughter hasn't seen me of wife arguing about our relationship. We have very rarely argued in front of her we generally get on very well together. When we have it was always something trivial like taking a wrong turn while driving. She has been kept well away from any issues we have.
Of course my friends don't judge. They are my friends. It doesn't mean what I did was right. I know that.
Her friends don't judge her either.
Cat before wife wasn't a conscious decision. I will miss him though
Your right, my 1 night stand is no different. I still lied about it and never told the truth.
I get the affair bit. Its insular. what you both feel drives it. What I was getting at is that it just confirms the fantasy. If my wife wasn't in the affair and I read her the story about what she is doing I'm sure she would be appalled. I know she would as her best friend has been involved with married men before and her advice wasn't to carry on seeing them. that's goes ditto for me as well. Its not real in the sense of a "normal" open relationship. Again maybe this is my ego. It makes me feel better to think of it like that.
Yes my one night stands were to stroke my ego. I was pursued and it felt good. I have told her this and yes I try and dumb it down make what I did seem less horrible even though I know it wasn't.
Are you a religious man Mr bond?
I never have been and never really got it but this whole thing makes me feel like I just want to go to church and confess everything and anything I've ever done wrong.
Your killing me right now
sat here bloody crying!I know everything you're saying is right. It is hard for me to step back and look at it all rationally.
My ego and pride I know are very much stood in my way at the moment.
I do need to stand up, I do need to take ownership of what I have done and stop looking out with blame.
When I talk about wanting my wife back I am trying to take an honest view. I don't actually know. it is my pride and ego that says I do. So I can say I won. I got her back from you. For what. So that in months/years to come we're in the same boat. Your right, my reasons for wanting her back right now are not sincere.
My daughter hasn't seen me of wife arguing about our relationship. We have very rarely argued in front of her we generally get on very well together. When we have it was always something trivial like taking a wrong turn while driving. She has been kept well away from any issues we have.
Of course my friends don't judge. They are my friends. It doesn't mean what I did was right. I know that.
Her friends don't judge her either.
Cat before wife wasn't a conscious decision. I will miss him though
Your right, my 1 night stand is no different. I still lied about it and never told the truth.
I get the affair bit. Its insular. what you both feel drives it. What I was getting at is that it just confirms the fantasy. If my wife wasn't in the affair and I read her the story about what she is doing I'm sure she would be appalled. I know she would as her best friend has been involved with married men before and her advice wasn't to carry on seeing them. that's goes ditto for me as well. Its not real in the sense of a "normal" open relationship. Again maybe this is my ego. It makes me feel better to think of it like that.
Yes my one night stands were to stroke my ego. I was pursued and it felt good. I have told her this and yes I try and dumb it down make what I did seem less horrible even though I know it wasn't.
Are you a religious man Mr bond?
I never have been and never really got it but this whole thing makes me feel like I just want to go to church and confess everything and anything I've ever done wrong.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 11:16 AM
You don't need to be religious to "get it".
In your case, going to church to learn to put something else before your pride would be a good thing.
In your case, going to church to learn to put something else before your pride would be a good thing.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 06:32 PM
Nothing going on today. Wife just rang general chit chat. Very friendly again telling me where she's been all day. She doesn't need to justify it any more so why does she.
Im p!!ssed off as just been back to doctors and have another urinary tract infection. Only had one 3 weeks ago. Basically when I wee its like glass!! ouch. So back on more anti-biotics. I'm sick of it. I feel run down and worn out. I have never been ill for so long in my life. I'm generally never ill and very fit. Tapping out 100mile bike rides for fun. Wont be doing those for a while. Might try and get back to the alps in summer to do some cycling. Mountains cleanse the soul.
Im p!!ssed off as just been back to doctors and have another urinary tract infection. Only had one 3 weeks ago. Basically when I wee its like glass!! ouch. So back on more anti-biotics. I'm sick of it. I feel run down and worn out. I have never been ill for so long in my life. I'm generally never ill and very fit. Tapping out 100mile bike rides for fun. Wont be doing those for a while. Might try and get back to the alps in summer to do some cycling. Mountains cleanse the soul.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 06:35 PM
Did you tell her about your dr's appt.?
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:02 PM
Yes.
Just confirmed her little story of where she has been today is rubbish as well. She'd left her bag open when I was upstairs. You don't take a wash bag to a business meeting
Just confirmed her little story of where she has been today is rubbish as well. She'd left her bag open when I was upstairs. You don't take a wash bag to a business meeting
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:10 PM
"Yes."
That's fine.
"Just confirmed her little story of where she has been today is rubbish as well. She'd left her bag open when I was upstairs. You don't take a wash bag to a business meeting"
You should have just left your answer post as "Yes.". This last bit was your score keeping again. You really don't have to keep announcing to everyone when your W is doing something wrong. If it's to help your situation, then fine, but not when you're trying to show that you're the morally right one here.
That's fine.
"Just confirmed her little story of where she has been today is rubbish as well. She'd left her bag open when I was upstairs. You don't take a wash bag to a business meeting"
You should have just left your answer post as "Yes.". This last bit was your score keeping again. You really don't have to keep announcing to everyone when your W is doing something wrong. If it's to help your situation, then fine, but not when you're trying to show that you're the morally right one here.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:18 PM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
You should have just left your answer post as "Yes.". This last bit was your score keeping again. You really don't have to keep announcing to everyone when your W is doing something wrong. If it's to help your situation, then fine, but not when you're trying to show that you're the morally right one here.
Disagree. A), it helps to keep a contemporaneous log of one's sitch. Many of us used this very forum (since it's date- and time-stamped) as that log. But
B), even if that's not why he's doing it, it absolutely helps us to give him advice to know as much as possible about his wayward wife's current behavior, attitude, dialog, etc.
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:21 PM
I'd rather she just say nothing to me than continue to lie about it. I haven't said a word.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:29 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
I'd rather she just say nothing to me than continue to lie about it. I haven't said a word.
Having the truth or like you said not even taking on her lies keep your mind filled with clarity and less stress.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:45 PM
Hey starsky
Mr bond has given me some tough love today
As far as commenting on here about it, I was after advice really. Do I just say nothing or do as some have and just say stop. You continue to disrespect me. Please don't while we're still under same roof.
She has just come down again chatting to me about her trip out and the snow. Does she think I'm bloody stupid.
Mr bond has given me some tough love today
As far as commenting on here about it, I was after advice really. Do I just say nothing or do as some have and just say stop. You continue to disrespect me. Please don't while we're still under same roof.
She has just come down again chatting to me about her trip out and the snow. Does she think I'm bloody stupid.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:46 PM
Sorry she also just asked , "what's up" I can barely contain it.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:52 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Sorry she also just asked , "what's up" I can barely contain it.
She wants some of that attention from you. You don't have to give it.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 08:53 PM
Think I already know the answer. She would see this as snooping even though bag was in full view. Just suck it up.
On a positive I'm meeting landlord about other house at weekend. Can't wait. Hopefully he'll think I'm a nice guy and accept. Also wife is away for 2 days at a spar with her friends(this is true) so I get plenty of time with d8. Ice skating tomorrow. Rain forest homework project Friday
On a positive I'm meeting landlord about other house at weekend. Can't wait. Hopefully he'll think I'm a nice guy and accept. Also wife is away for 2 days at a spar with her friends(this is true) so I get plenty of time with d8. Ice skating tomorrow. Rain forest homework project Friday
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 09:01 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
Sorry she also just asked , "what's up" I can barely contain it.
It's good your not letting her in your head. She hasn't been exactly an honest camper or filled with good intentions.
It will keep your mind from being cloudy.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/04/15 11:53 PM
SRD, Bond is good at tough love. Starsky is good with affairs. I'm gng to have to agree sith Starsky here. It's absolutely relevant to the text. Telling her that you "Just confirmed her little story of where she has been today is rubbish as well. She'd left her bag open when I was upstairs. You don't take a wash bag to a business meeting" would be score keeping. Keeping a tally of every single infraction is also score keeping. Gathering information about her truth telling and sharing it with the group trying to help you is not.
I would sit on this one, you have to be careful with information gathering because often the information gathered can mean many different things. Trust me, I am the king of the runaway vivid imagination. Deal in truth as much as possible.
If I may also suggest, part of paving the road home smooth includes her being able to save face when the time comes. It's going to be very hard to do that if you have shared intimate details of the separation with all of your "mates". Stop this practice now. Zip the lips. The reason is 2 fold really. You don't need them making remarks, being cold to her, or being unsupportive of your wife when she returns and 2) you absolutely don't need any grief, or unsupportive attitudes when you guys get into the piecing process. One of the biggest things you can do for your marriage is surround yourself with other healthy marriages and people who support marriage.
I would sit on this one, you have to be careful with information gathering because often the information gathered can mean many different things. Trust me, I am the king of the runaway vivid imagination. Deal in truth as much as possible.
If I may also suggest, part of paving the road home smooth includes her being able to save face when the time comes. It's going to be very hard to do that if you have shared intimate details of the separation with all of your "mates". Stop this practice now. Zip the lips. The reason is 2 fold really. You don't need them making remarks, being cold to her, or being unsupportive of your wife when she returns and 2) you absolutely don't need any grief, or unsupportive attitudes when you guys get into the piecing process. One of the biggest things you can do for your marriage is surround yourself with other healthy marriages and people who support marriage.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 12:13 AM
The thing is that you already know she lies to you and has lied in the past. I assumed you already had given her the "don't disrespect me" talk, so little detail like her having the clothes in her bag wouldn't have mattered.
Did she flat out tell you that she was not going to be seeing the guy anymore?
Did she flat out tell you that she was not going to be seeing the guy anymore?
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 05:42 AM
Hey jefe Mr bond
Jefe the only person who knows what's gone is this chap at work and he has never met nor is ever likely to meet my wife. But yes I get what you're saying. My 2 best mates who I was out with at weekend would be more likely to meet her possibly hence why I didn't say anything. But yes smooth road an All.
Mr bond when it all came out and since I have asked to just stop lying but she continues to whilst trying to be my friend. There is a lot of cake eating going on now. It would be easier if she just didn't say anything but she feels the need to lie.I think she probably knows anyway as when we were both back upstairs she scurried off into the room trying to move the bag. She saw me looking. No she has never said she will not see OM. They work together. It is not going to stop I know that. I can deal with that. It's the continued lying that's wearing me down. The other day she was as typical waw script saying please don't hate me which was her saying she is continuing to see him without actually saying it.
Jefe the only person who knows what's gone is this chap at work and he has never met nor is ever likely to meet my wife. But yes I get what you're saying. My 2 best mates who I was out with at weekend would be more likely to meet her possibly hence why I didn't say anything. But yes smooth road an All.
Mr bond when it all came out and since I have asked to just stop lying but she continues to whilst trying to be my friend. There is a lot of cake eating going on now. It would be easier if she just didn't say anything but she feels the need to lie.I think she probably knows anyway as when we were both back upstairs she scurried off into the room trying to move the bag. She saw me looking. No she has never said she will not see OM. They work together. It is not going to stop I know that. I can deal with that. It's the continued lying that's wearing me down. The other day she was as typical waw script saying please don't hate me which was her saying she is continuing to see him without actually saying it.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 10:37 AM
feeling low today. I'm tired, run down, worn out. The situation with her yesterday just blatantly lying to me has kicked me in the gut. I know its stupid because she has been lying for such a long time but it still hurt.
She is still carrying on like we're best buddies. I'm desperate to be out now so I can move on and get my life back. NC apart from D8 is the only way I can see I can get past this. She is under the impression I will be popping around for my tea every night. Of course this wont be the case. She uses our daughter as an excuse for her cake eating. I'm just feeling annoyed at the moment. I guess its just part of the process.
She is still carrying on like we're best buddies. I'm desperate to be out now so I can move on and get my life back. NC apart from D8 is the only way I can see I can get past this. She is under the impression I will be popping around for my tea every night. Of course this wont be the case. She uses our daughter as an excuse for her cake eating. I'm just feeling annoyed at the moment. I guess its just part of the process.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 02:25 PM
In my sitch, I decided very early on that while I couldn't control whether or not my wife was going to continue to have an affair, I COULD control whether or not I would stand there and allow her to lie to my face, or to our adult children or her parents.
And I enforced that boundary. Every. Single. Time.
Starsky
And I enforced that boundary. Every. Single. Time.
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 02:35 PM
Hi Starsky.
Thanks for the advice. If it crops up again which im sure it will im going to have to say something.
On another point. What are your thoughts on NC when I move out.
My wife again yesterday in an effort to keep my plate spinning said why don't we all go to the cinema on Sunday inc D8. Now before BD this is what we were doing. Its enjoyable family time. Since BD I want to spend as little time with wife as possible because I don't believe a word she says. When I move out my intention is to leave her to it. Be friendly and civil regarding our D8 but I wont be popping around for tea or family nights in or generally being there for her like I have been. She needs to see the consequences of her actions. My d8 will be the one that suffers also though. Would you advocate that if it is a family thing e.g. D8 friends party or taking her to cinema that it is acceptable for us to do so as a family or would you recommend that one of us takes D8 on our own. Currently I take her horse riding and ice skating on my own anyway.
Thanks for the advice. If it crops up again which im sure it will im going to have to say something.
On another point. What are your thoughts on NC when I move out.
My wife again yesterday in an effort to keep my plate spinning said why don't we all go to the cinema on Sunday inc D8. Now before BD this is what we were doing. Its enjoyable family time. Since BD I want to spend as little time with wife as possible because I don't believe a word she says. When I move out my intention is to leave her to it. Be friendly and civil regarding our D8 but I wont be popping around for tea or family nights in or generally being there for her like I have been. She needs to see the consequences of her actions. My d8 will be the one that suffers also though. Would you advocate that if it is a family thing e.g. D8 friends party or taking her to cinema that it is acceptable for us to do so as a family or would you recommend that one of us takes D8 on our own. Currently I take her horse riding and ice skating on my own anyway.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 02:44 PM
I would occasionally do things together as a family (no more than once every one or two weeks or so), but more often than not I would politely decline. "I think it's best, considering where we are right now, that we each learn to do things together with (daughter) instead of all three of us, and just overall learn to live apart from each other."
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 03:25 PM
Thanks Starsky
That's what I was thinking.
That's what I was thinking.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 03:49 PM
I agree with Starsky on the calling out the lying. Be careful that you have your facts straight. If you attempt to call her out and you only have "feelings" about something, you'll look foolish. If you have absolute facts that she's lying, I would not stand for it. I haven't allowed my wife to lie to my face either.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 04:02 PM
And never, EVER reveal your source, or allow her to pin you down on what parts you know, what parts you don't know, what you THINK you know, etc. Just a blanket "Stop. We BOTH know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. I know all about you and (OM), so please don't insult my intelligence. If you continue to lie to my face about it, I will end the conversation each and every time and we can talk later when you're ready to be truthful with me."
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 04:02 PM
I knew she was lying in the morning when she set off to work. Her "work" bag was zipped up and bulging. Its never like that. Usually open with paperwork hanging out. I just inwardly smiled.
Then I had to email her during the day about D8. I heard nothing back. Just upped my suspicions. when she got back I saw the bag open. makeup, wash bag and clothes in there. I didn't pry it was on full view. I'd rather her just say nothing than carry on with the silly see through lies. It would make it easier.
Then I had to email her during the day about D8. I heard nothing back. Just upped my suspicions. when she got back I saw the bag open. makeup, wash bag and clothes in there. I didn't pry it was on full view. I'd rather her just say nothing than carry on with the silly see through lies. It would make it easier.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 04:06 PM
Just for sh*ts and giggles (cuz that's how I roll; I'm twisted that way) I used to occasionally -- when pressed (she was asking me how I knew something) -- throw in a "I'm not going to tell you that," and when pressed further a "I made a promise to someone that I wouldn't break her trust, and I'm not going to do that."
Never hurts to throw a little paranoia into affair land -- some infidelitus interruptus -- and let the cheating spouse start doubting, say, their enabling BFF lol.
Starsky
Never hurts to throw a little paranoia into affair land -- some infidelitus interruptus -- and let the cheating spouse start doubting, say, their enabling BFF lol.
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 05:27 PM
You're twisted 
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 05:41 PM
very good.
I've had some pretty twisted thoughts myself lately...........push them out my mind
D8 is home so my day just got better. She told me on way home I the best daddy anyone could ever wish for. had to fight the tears back on that one. tea then ice skating. woohoo
I've had some pretty twisted thoughts myself lately...........push them out my mind
D8 is home so my day just got better. She told me on way home I the best daddy anyone could ever wish for. had to fight the tears back on that one. tea then ice skating. woohoo
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 08:31 PM
"Mr bond when it all came out and since I have asked to just stop lying but she continues to whilst trying to be my friend."
And what boundaries did you put in place? You said that she works with the OM so they have to see each other. Do you honestly think she would feel comfortable at telling you she was with him? That's why she's not comfortable at telling you the truth.
"There is a lot of cake eating going on now. It would be easier if she just didn't say anything but she feels the need to lie."
Probably because of the way you've been acting around her.
"No she has never said she will not see OM. They work together. It is not going to stop I know that. I can deal with that. It's the continued lying that's wearing me down."
So why don't you tell her that? Tell her that if she's seeing the other guy to just tell you and you'll be okay with it.
"The other day she was as typical waw script saying please don't hate me which was her saying she is continuing to see him without actually saying it."
No that's not what it means. That's mindreading. You two have a child together and with all the hate that you have in you, of course she doesn't want to hurt you. There are MANY WASs on here who purposely go out of their way to hurt the LBS. You're lucky your W isn't one of them.
Rather than sitting around and complaining about it, go and talk to her about it.
And what boundaries did you put in place? You said that she works with the OM so they have to see each other. Do you honestly think she would feel comfortable at telling you she was with him? That's why she's not comfortable at telling you the truth.
"There is a lot of cake eating going on now. It would be easier if she just didn't say anything but she feels the need to lie."
Probably because of the way you've been acting around her.
"No she has never said she will not see OM. They work together. It is not going to stop I know that. I can deal with that. It's the continued lying that's wearing me down."
So why don't you tell her that? Tell her that if she's seeing the other guy to just tell you and you'll be okay with it.
"The other day she was as typical waw script saying please don't hate me which was her saying she is continuing to see him without actually saying it."
No that's not what it means. That's mindreading. You two have a child together and with all the hate that you have in you, of course she doesn't want to hurt you. There are MANY WASs on here who purposely go out of their way to hurt the LBS. You're lucky your W isn't one of them.
Rather than sitting around and complaining about it, go and talk to her about it.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/05/15 10:35 PM
Mr bond. You're crushing me again are you this tough on everyone
I'm not asking her to tell me she's with him I already know she is. What I'm asking is don't come in and spin some story about where you've been today. Just don't say anything. The secret is out you don't need to keep spinning it.
Cake eating has been going on for months. I have been walking on egg shells eager to please scampering after every bone. In fact I've been like that for the last few years. As she has become more successful and me more domestic dad she lost a lot of respect for me. On top of the issues with my mum and wife feeling like she is a single mum. This is the crux of our issues I'm trying to be as normal as possible for sake of d8 but yeah of course I'm not good. She still wants the family home life but obviously loves OM and what she gets from him.
As above I don't want to hear " oh I was round at OM tonight" but just don't say anything. There is no need to keep making the stories up. We're all in on the secret now.
Ok I was mind reading again. This was my interpretation of what she was saying. I've fallen in love with another man, please don't hate me cos I still want to be your friend. The hate comments were part of a much bigger R talk.
I'm filled with hate. ....to be honest until yesterday when she was just lying making a story up I was feeling slightly better. Then yes that was a kick in the gut and it has made me angry
I'm a northerner. Complaining is what we do cos it rains all the time. In all seriousness I didn't take the opportunity to do so. I followed your advice.
I'm not asking her to tell me she's with him I already know she is. What I'm asking is don't come in and spin some story about where you've been today. Just don't say anything. The secret is out you don't need to keep spinning it.
Cake eating has been going on for months. I have been walking on egg shells eager to please scampering after every bone. In fact I've been like that for the last few years. As she has become more successful and me more domestic dad she lost a lot of respect for me. On top of the issues with my mum and wife feeling like she is a single mum. This is the crux of our issues I'm trying to be as normal as possible for sake of d8 but yeah of course I'm not good. She still wants the family home life but obviously loves OM and what she gets from him.
As above I don't want to hear " oh I was round at OM tonight" but just don't say anything. There is no need to keep making the stories up. We're all in on the secret now.
Ok I was mind reading again. This was my interpretation of what she was saying. I've fallen in love with another man, please don't hate me cos I still want to be your friend. The hate comments were part of a much bigger R talk.
I'm filled with hate. ....to be honest until yesterday when she was just lying making a story up I was feeling slightly better. Then yes that was a kick in the gut and it has made me angry
I'm a northerner. Complaining is what we do cos it rains all the time. In all seriousness I didn't take the opportunity to do so. I followed your advice.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/06/15 03:28 AM
SRD,
I saw in Jefe's thread you had a question about separation and how your D8 would take it.
When me and my W separated my D9 took it pretty hard the first day from what I could tell. W was crying and decided to talk to D9 so it made her cry. Since, I haven't witnessed something similar from D9. Ive asked her how she felt about the back and forth between houses and she simply said she didn't know. My D9 is always expressing of feelings.
My others age 4 and younger took it in stride it seems.
The one thing that bothers me with S is that the children will more than likely pick sides. In my case they've chose W it seems as they're always asking where is my mom or why didn't she pick me up, mom, mom, mom.
With S I do miss W, but its helping me grow. Some days are good others are bad, just gotta keep the GAL or change of thoughts.
I saw in Jefe's thread you had a question about separation and how your D8 would take it.
When me and my W separated my D9 took it pretty hard the first day from what I could tell. W was crying and decided to talk to D9 so it made her cry. Since, I haven't witnessed something similar from D9. Ive asked her how she felt about the back and forth between houses and she simply said she didn't know. My D9 is always expressing of feelings.
My others age 4 and younger took it in stride it seems.
The one thing that bothers me with S is that the children will more than likely pick sides. In my case they've chose W it seems as they're always asking where is my mom or why didn't she pick me up, mom, mom, mom.
With S I do miss W, but its helping me grow. Some days are good others are bad, just gotta keep the GAL or change of thoughts.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/06/15 02:27 PM
More R talks today.
I said to the wife please don't keep lying to me, just say nothing at all. I said I knew very well that this has been going on a long time, years and I can deal with that she is with someone else but to please just stop lying, just say nothing at all. Ill be leaving soon.
From this is stemmed off into 2 hours of talking about us, our D8 everything where we went wrong everything.
We both agree that for our D8 we have to be friendly and civil and make this as best as we can for her. For our sakes as well. We will always be a part of each other as we have D8.
We both empathised that we're both hurting and that it is going to take a lot of time to move past that. Explained I wont be just coming round all the time as I need to move on with my life which we both agreed on.
It ended calmly. both upset but calm.
My pride and ego still stand in my way to fully let go but the truth is I let her go a long time ago. years.
I said to the wife please don't keep lying to me, just say nothing at all. I said I knew very well that this has been going on a long time, years and I can deal with that she is with someone else but to please just stop lying, just say nothing at all. Ill be leaving soon.
From this is stemmed off into 2 hours of talking about us, our D8 everything where we went wrong everything.
We both agree that for our D8 we have to be friendly and civil and make this as best as we can for her. For our sakes as well. We will always be a part of each other as we have D8.
We both empathised that we're both hurting and that it is going to take a lot of time to move past that. Explained I wont be just coming round all the time as I need to move on with my life which we both agreed on.
It ended calmly. both upset but calm.
My pride and ego still stand in my way to fully let go but the truth is I let her go a long time ago. years.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/06/15 03:21 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
More R talks today.
I said to the wife please don't keep lying to me, just say nothing at all. I said I knew very well that this has been going on a long time, years and I can deal with that she is with someone else but to please just stop lying, just say nothing at all. Ill be leaving soon.
From this is stemmed off into 2 hours of talking about us, our D8 everything where we went wrong everything.
We both agree that for our D8 we have to be friendly and civil and make this as best as we can for her. For our sakes as well. We will always be a part of each other as we have D8.
We both empathised that we're both hurting and that it is going to take a lot of time to move past that. Explained I wont be just coming round all the time as I need to move on with my life which we both agreed on.
It ended calmly. both upset but calm.
My pride and ego still stand in my way to fully let go but the truth is I let her go a long time ago. years.
I said to the wife please don't keep lying to me, just say nothing at all. I said I knew very well that this has been going on a long time, years and I can deal with that she is with someone else but to please just stop lying, just say nothing at all. Ill be leaving soon.
From this is stemmed off into 2 hours of talking about us, our D8 everything where we went wrong everything.
We both agree that for our D8 we have to be friendly and civil and make this as best as we can for her. For our sakes as well. We will always be a part of each other as we have D8.
We both empathised that we're both hurting and that it is going to take a lot of time to move past that. Explained I wont be just coming round all the time as I need to move on with my life which we both agreed on.
It ended calmly. both upset but calm.
My pride and ego still stand in my way to fully let go but the truth is I let her go a long time ago. years.
Well I'm glad you finally confronted her on this. Know that this (not being willing to be openly lied to) will likely be a boundary that she will re-test in the days and weeks ahead. I hope you'll remain 100% consistent with this, as it WILL need reinforcing. It's good practice for you to flex your new "boundary muscles," as it's definitely an acquired skill.
You handled the convo decently well, but one thing I would urge you to do is NOT make this a moral equivalency with her. You should say things like "Look, I know I was _____, ______ and ________ in the marriage, but I'm also WORKING on those things. Deciding instead to have an affair is not only obviously not fair to ME, but something you are going to have to decide why you took that outlet to deal with your own issues. I'll own mine, but I will in no way condone your decision to go outside of our marriage" (or something similar in your own words).
I say this NOT as a pride thing, but something your WIFE is going to need to work on going forward. You do her no favors by smoothing over the necessary introspection that she's going to need to do in the months ahead by applying the conveniently-soothing salve of moral equivalency.
(this also applies, albeit differently, if the betrayed spouse ALSO cheated earlier in the marriage. There you should say something like "Look, I'm obviously in no position to lecture you on infidelity; I made the same mistake and I've learned since that it was a selfish, horrible thing to do and not an emotionally healthy way to handle any dissatisfaction I was having with our marriage. But I also owned up to it, and have tried to do the things necessary to work on myself and on our marriage, and you haven't done that yet. That's something you're going to have to decide, but make no mistake: despite what I did in the past, I will NOT live in an open marriage now. So we both have some decisions to make here."
(or similar).
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/06/15 05:58 PM
Hi Starsky
After todays talks we're both pretty much done. It seems my wife has been involved with this person for longer than I thought. At least emotionally. Not that it really makes any difference. She was vulnerable because I had stopped giving her what she needed. We were both naïve. Red flags were ignored. This all ties back into when we first started having problems about 4 years ago. This is around the time she started working much more closely with OM.
Again im not innocent. I have strayed in our marriage as well as I wasn't happy.
At the moment there is just too much pain to even think clearly. We are both hurting a lot.
Im not fooling myself. Our marriage is dead in the water. It was a long time ago. I think we only stayed together for D8, money, comfort and friendship. Now OM is divorced there is nothing to stop them having a relationship. We're still married obviously but its just a piece of paper, any commitment behind it went a long time ago from both of us.
She has noticed the changed me though which is a shame. I didn't ask but she said today she is "annoyed as now im the perfect husband and dad. Why couldn't I have been like that before. The next woman will be very lucky". same for everyone on here I guess. horse and bolted spring to mind.
Its sad we have both done this to each other and our family. We never had the right tools in the 1st place to fix things before they got too bad. We got married and off we went into the big wide world believing everything would be great. No one ever said "you need to do xyz to keep the marriage going" We discussed this today and how sad it is that divorce rate is so high and media just concentrate on celebs getting divorced and remarried like its a good thing. What we should be concentrating on is providing people with the right skills to make a marriage/relationship work. If id found this site about 4 years ago I wouldn't be writing this now. I'm sure we'd be happy and in a marriage where we resolve our problems by dealing with them not blaming and then looking elsewhere for comfort. I know so many people who would benefit from this site and the guidance you get here. Im going to a wedding in April and you know what im going to buy them. DB book.
I have learnt a lot over the last few months about relationships, how to make them work, how to protect them from harms way. I cant look back now. I have to move forward. With time the pain for both of us will ease and we'll move into new fulfilling lives. Im glad I now have the skills to make not just a future relationship but my life in general better.
Im going to keep posting and help others on here where I can. I'm no vet but i've learnt a lot with a long way still to go.
Who knows where life will take me next.
On a positive note Ice skating with D8 last night was brilliant. We're both starting to get the hang of it Great GAL activity
After todays talks we're both pretty much done. It seems my wife has been involved with this person for longer than I thought. At least emotionally. Not that it really makes any difference. She was vulnerable because I had stopped giving her what she needed. We were both naïve. Red flags were ignored. This all ties back into when we first started having problems about 4 years ago. This is around the time she started working much more closely with OM.
Again im not innocent. I have strayed in our marriage as well as I wasn't happy.
At the moment there is just too much pain to even think clearly. We are both hurting a lot.
Im not fooling myself. Our marriage is dead in the water. It was a long time ago. I think we only stayed together for D8, money, comfort and friendship. Now OM is divorced there is nothing to stop them having a relationship. We're still married obviously but its just a piece of paper, any commitment behind it went a long time ago from both of us.
She has noticed the changed me though which is a shame. I didn't ask but she said today she is "annoyed as now im the perfect husband and dad. Why couldn't I have been like that before. The next woman will be very lucky". same for everyone on here I guess. horse and bolted spring to mind.
Its sad we have both done this to each other and our family. We never had the right tools in the 1st place to fix things before they got too bad. We got married and off we went into the big wide world believing everything would be great. No one ever said "you need to do xyz to keep the marriage going" We discussed this today and how sad it is that divorce rate is so high and media just concentrate on celebs getting divorced and remarried like its a good thing. What we should be concentrating on is providing people with the right skills to make a marriage/relationship work. If id found this site about 4 years ago I wouldn't be writing this now. I'm sure we'd be happy and in a marriage where we resolve our problems by dealing with them not blaming and then looking elsewhere for comfort. I know so many people who would benefit from this site and the guidance you get here. Im going to a wedding in April and you know what im going to buy them. DB book.
I have learnt a lot over the last few months about relationships, how to make them work, how to protect them from harms way. I cant look back now. I have to move forward. With time the pain for both of us will ease and we'll move into new fulfilling lives. Im glad I now have the skills to make not just a future relationship but my life in general better.
Im going to keep posting and help others on here where I can. I'm no vet but i've learnt a lot with a long way still to go.
Who knows where life will take me next.
On a positive note Ice skating with D8 last night was brilliant. We're both starting to get the hang of it
Great GAL activity
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/06/15 08:57 PM
IMHO you gave up pretty easily. It seemed like you couldn't let go of your pride and ego.
And let's face it, if your W didn't say she was leaving, you wouldn't have changed to begin with. In fact, didn't you say that you were the one that threatened to leave and D her? No woman wants to hear that if they don't give their man what he wants he's going to bail on her. That's one thing you don't seem to understand.
The OM was there for her and accepted her the way she was. I don't think he ever threatened her with leaving her. The number one need of women is security and safety. It just seemed from the way you described things, you didn't give her that.
And let's face it, if your W didn't say she was leaving, you wouldn't have changed to begin with. In fact, didn't you say that you were the one that threatened to leave and D her? No woman wants to hear that if they don't give their man what he wants he's going to bail on her. That's one thing you don't seem to understand.
The OM was there for her and accepted her the way she was. I don't think he ever threatened her with leaving her. The number one need of women is security and safety. It just seemed from the way you described things, you didn't give her that.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/06/15 11:52 PM
Mr bond
Your spot on. If I truly detach myself from the situation and look at it objectively I stopped loving my wife a long time ago. If I'd truly loved her I wouldn't have strayed and I would have been more supportive. It's hard to say but it's true. We've talked today and tonight and talked more openly than we have in many years.
All this time it is just my pride and ego getting in the way of me letting go.
The sad part is we could have saved our relationship years ago when there were first signs of trouble. I could have been more supportive and communicated with her in a more open and honest way. My wife could have told me she felt insecure and was having feelings for another man and we could have stopped it. Non of this matters now.
All that matters now is how we raise our d8
There's nothing to give up on. We both already gave up years ago. It still hurts but we both feel calmer after talking. I don't blame her for her affair. Yes she crossed a line and continued to do so. Yes she could have and should have come to me but she didn't because she probably felt she couldn't. If she felt safe and secure with me then she wouldn't have made that connection with OM. Same goes for me.
Life goes on and we are still a family just one that will live in separate houses.
Your spot on. If I truly detach myself from the situation and look at it objectively I stopped loving my wife a long time ago. If I'd truly loved her I wouldn't have strayed and I would have been more supportive. It's hard to say but it's true. We've talked today and tonight and talked more openly than we have in many years.
All this time it is just my pride and ego getting in the way of me letting go.
The sad part is we could have saved our relationship years ago when there were first signs of trouble. I could have been more supportive and communicated with her in a more open and honest way. My wife could have told me she felt insecure and was having feelings for another man and we could have stopped it. Non of this matters now.
All that matters now is how we raise our d8
There's nothing to give up on. We both already gave up years ago. It still hurts but we both feel calmer after talking. I don't blame her for her affair. Yes she crossed a line and continued to do so. Yes she could have and should have come to me but she didn't because she probably felt she couldn't. If she felt safe and secure with me then she wouldn't have made that connection with OM. Same goes for me.
Life goes on and we are still a family just one that will live in separate houses.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 08:45 AM
well this weekend has been the most emotional 2 days i have ever had.
It stems back to Friday when me and my wife started talking when i had asked her not to lie to me anymore. From this stemmed talks about us and R and D8 and pretty much everything. There was no begging, pleading or dictating from me. It did culminate in us talking to each other like we havent talked for years.
We both took D8 to horse riding this weekend which was nice. My wife was visibly upset though. When we got back we spent time talking to each other. She is in a lot of pain. She was crying a lot and very emotional. I think reality of what we have done has hit home hard this weekend. This continued on and off all day. Every time she looked at me she started crying and said she felt terrible and sick. I tried to reassure we would be ok but im also struggling.
In the evening we were up till 1am just talking. She is very upset. She is worried about D8. she is worried about me. She is worried about herself. I have never seen her so upset. im actually very worried about her.
We talked about reconciling , seperating, she wants to put her rings back on, she doesnt want her rings back on, she still loves me , she doenst know what she feels. She was reading relate about success stories asking how can we fix it what do i want her to do it just went on and on. She is very confused and very messed up.
She talked about how she wished we had had another child which i said i wish we had as well but it doenst matter now. its history. She got really upset saying its the one big regret she has. I said you could still have another child she said she wouldnt have a child with anyone else, she only wants one with me. Said she will never marry anyone else. Our wedding day was best day of her life. Now im listeing being supportive but what she is saying is killing me.
We hugged a lot I was just as supportive as i could be with her.
This carried over into sunday where again she was still very very down. Doesnt know what she wants.
She talked about her aunty who she has never been close to before but she is doing some work for my wife. She split up with her hubby a few years ago for 18months he was out doing his thing and she fell in love with someone else. Just as they were about to sign d papers they said wtf are we doing and have now reconciled.
She has told no one about OM. I told her she needs to speak to someone. Not me, not OM not her friends but someone independant who wont judge and can give her some advice. She said she is going to go and see a councillor. Her friend gave her some details of some. Thats up to her.
Its awful but we feel closer to each than we have done for a very long time just as we are about to seperate.
I have managed to secure this other house. So will be moving in a couple of weeks. I'm upset as our family will be differrent for ever but i know deep down this is what needs to be done. I need to let go of my wife. She has to find out what she wants to do and i need to move on.
It stems back to Friday when me and my wife started talking when i had asked her not to lie to me anymore. From this stemmed talks about us and R and D8 and pretty much everything. There was no begging, pleading or dictating from me. It did culminate in us talking to each other like we havent talked for years.
We both took D8 to horse riding this weekend which was nice. My wife was visibly upset though. When we got back we spent time talking to each other. She is in a lot of pain. She was crying a lot and very emotional. I think reality of what we have done has hit home hard this weekend. This continued on and off all day. Every time she looked at me she started crying and said she felt terrible and sick. I tried to reassure we would be ok but im also struggling.
In the evening we were up till 1am just talking. She is very upset. She is worried about D8. she is worried about me. She is worried about herself. I have never seen her so upset. im actually very worried about her.
We talked about reconciling , seperating, she wants to put her rings back on, she doesnt want her rings back on, she still loves me , she doenst know what she feels. She was reading relate about success stories asking how can we fix it what do i want her to do it just went on and on. She is very confused and very messed up.
She talked about how she wished we had had another child which i said i wish we had as well but it doenst matter now. its history. She got really upset saying its the one big regret she has. I said you could still have another child she said she wouldnt have a child with anyone else, she only wants one with me. Said she will never marry anyone else. Our wedding day was best day of her life. Now im listeing being supportive but what she is saying is killing me.
We hugged a lot I was just as supportive as i could be with her.
This carried over into sunday where again she was still very very down. Doesnt know what she wants.
She talked about her aunty who she has never been close to before but she is doing some work for my wife. She split up with her hubby a few years ago for 18months he was out doing his thing and she fell in love with someone else. Just as they were about to sign d papers they said wtf are we doing and have now reconciled.
She has told no one about OM. I told her she needs to speak to someone. Not me, not OM not her friends but someone independant who wont judge and can give her some advice. She said she is going to go and see a councillor. Her friend gave her some details of some. Thats up to her.
Its awful but we feel closer to each than we have done for a very long time just as we are about to seperate.
I have managed to secure this other house. So will be moving in a couple of weeks. I'm upset as our family will be differrent for ever but i know deep down this is what needs to be done. I need to let go of my wife. She has to find out what she wants to do and i need to move on.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 02:28 PM
If you truly ARE moving on, this is fine, SRD. But I don't get the sense you're done at all, and I just want to urge you -- if you ARE still trying to re-attract your wife, you don't want to turn to her to soothe you while she's still wayward. It may make you FEEL better in the short-run, but you're killing attraction long-term.
I am glad she seems to be being more honest with you, however.
Starsky
I am glad she seems to be being more honest with you, however.
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 03:05 PM
Hey Starsky
My head is completly up my A**e after this weekend. I thought I was done. I was starting to feel detached. I was starting to feel positive about moving out and then she hit me with all this at weekend. She was her driving it. She was so upset all weekend. I've never seen her like. I just couldnt be tough on her. I think reality has suddendly just kicked in for her. That i am moving out and that we are going to have to tell our D8. She was aking me what i wanted her to do and although i desperatly wanted to say "sell up and never see om again we can fix this" i didnt. I just said i cant tell you what to do. You need to find out for yourself. We were a lot more honest. We spoke more deeply and intensley than we have in many years. although i know she is holding back a bit on the timeline. I know because i found other stuff (stumbled across it) which confirms she has been fantasing about it for longer. So even if PA was only last 6 months or so she has been EA for a lot longer. I dont care about that. It hurts but im no angel If she felt safe with me she wouldnt have been interested.
She has just made it so bloody hard by throwing things out there about having children with me and never marrying anyone else she thinks she'll be alone, reading success stories wanting to put her rings back on annoyed that im now the man she wanted me to be back years ago. I just cant take it. She's just dangling me on a string.
I know what you are saying. For my own sanity i need to detach from her. I need to let her go. We need some space. I cant think straight at all. AHHHHH my head is truly going to explode today.
My head is completly up my A**e after this weekend. I thought I was done. I was starting to feel detached. I was starting to feel positive about moving out and then she hit me with all this at weekend. She was her driving it. She was so upset all weekend. I've never seen her like. I just couldnt be tough on her. I think reality has suddendly just kicked in for her. That i am moving out and that we are going to have to tell our D8. She was aking me what i wanted her to do and although i desperatly wanted to say "sell up and never see om again we can fix this" i didnt. I just said i cant tell you what to do. You need to find out for yourself. We were a lot more honest. We spoke more deeply and intensley than we have in many years. although i know she is holding back a bit on the timeline. I know because i found other stuff (stumbled across it) which confirms she has been fantasing about it for longer. So even if PA was only last 6 months or so she has been EA for a lot longer. I dont care about that. It hurts but im no angel If she felt safe with me she wouldnt have been interested.
She has just made it so bloody hard by throwing things out there about having children with me and never marrying anyone else she thinks she'll be alone, reading success stories wanting to put her rings back on annoyed that im now the man she wanted me to be back years ago. I just cant take it. She's just dangling me on a string.
I know what you are saying. For my own sanity i need to detach from her. I need to let her go. We need some space. I cant think straight at all. AHHHHH my head is truly going to explode today.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 03:20 PM
I didn't say to be "hard on her," SRD. I simply said not to turn to her to soothe yourself (hugs, crying, long intimate talks, etc.) while she's still unrepentantly wayward.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 03:26 PM
Originally Posted By: SRD
although i know she is holding back a bit on the timeline. I know because i found other stuff (stumbled across it) which confirms she has been fantasing about it for longer. So even if PA was only last 6 months or so she has been EA for a lot longer. I dont care about that. It hurts but im no angel If she felt safe with me she wouldnt have been interested.
Bull$h*t. You may be (and probably are) 50% responsible for the conditions that led to your marital dysfunction (not standing up to your mother's meddling, for example), and eventually her VULNERABILITY to an affair. But the affair itself -- and its subsequent, long-term DECEIT -- is strictly her doing. Do NOT accept responsibility for that, and you actually do HER no favors by letting her off the hook for that part. The emotionally healthy (not to mention, moral/ethical) way to have responded to her deep unhappiness in the marriage would have been to TALK to you about it, and try to work it out (if anything, reading your early posts it sounds like YOU were the one that would at least try to address the emotional and physical distance?) . . . or, if all else failed, to end the marriage BEFORE hooking up with some other guy.
Sorry, but this is just more moral equivalency from you, and yes -- she's messing with your head and your detachment here.
Your response to her pain and her thousands of words should have been "I hear you -- you were hurting, and for my part in getting us to that point, I'm truly sorry. But you still shouldn't have invited someone else into our marriage, and I won't take responsibility for that -- that's on you."
She's looking to you to soothe her destructive choices, and you're looking to her to soothe your pain. If you're truly DONE, and you want to be friends and co-parents that's fine. But if you're still DBing it needs to start with RE-ATTRACTION, and as I was told (repeatedly!) in my own sitch, "Melty Man" does NOT re-attract a wayward spouse.
Starsky
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 04:27 PM
Hey Starsky
You're absolutley right. I dont accept resposability for her affair but yes wording in the way I have lets her off lightly. I have told her before that this is on her. I accept no responsability for it. I am melty man
My head is totaly messed today. She has mailed me again a few times about nothing in particular which just keeps me dangling. Last week i got days of no contact.
I dont know what the hell i am and until I'm away from her i dont think i will. How can i be done. I just cant switch off that this is my wife or is this just my ego again.
She needs to work her own problems out. I cant keep being her support system.
You're absolutley right. I dont accept resposability for her affair but yes wording in the way I have lets her off lightly. I have told her before that this is on her. I accept no responsability for it. I am melty man
My head is totaly messed today. She has mailed me again a few times about nothing in particular which just keeps me dangling. Last week i got days of no contact.
I dont know what the hell i am and until I'm away from her i dont think i will. How can i be done. I just cant switch off that this is my wife or is this just my ego again.
She needs to work her own problems out. I cant keep being her support system.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 04:50 PM
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
I cant keep being her support system.
Not when she's still with someone else, no. Unless and until she is willing to re-commit 100% to the marriage, unfortunately all you can do is GAL and move on down the path. As you know from posting on here and reading the book, Step #1 is DETACHMENT, and unfortunately you're not even THERE yet. Each time you start to get there, the convos she has with you and the way you go "melty man" on her just messes with your progress, in my view.
I'd advise you to re-read Sandi's 37 Rules, and start with the VERY BASICS. Like "no R talks!" and maybe one or two others.
Look, I am by nature a fixer/pleaser/classic "Mr. Nice Guy" melty man myself. And it just KILLED me that I could NOT turn to my wife to soothe me during our sitch. Much of that was solved by the daily intel I was getting (trust me, you really don't WANT to turn to your wife for sympathy when you just read an "ILY" text she sent to her OM, or heard am MP3 recording of them having sex in his truck ... ugggh!), but even then I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her.
It's hard. But it's GOTTA be done.
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 06:39 PM
" If I'd truly loved her I wouldn't have strayed and I would have been more supportive."
Total BS. Love is a CHOICE and an ACTION. It's not a feeling. You wanted someone else to stroke your ego so you took it. Get over yourself, take responsibility for the things you did and get better from there. Start actually doing something rather than looking for excuses.
Starsky's got the right points for you.
Total BS. Love is a CHOICE and an ACTION. It's not a feeling. You wanted someone else to stroke your ego so you took it. Get over yourself, take responsibility for the things you did and get better from there. Start actually doing something rather than looking for excuses.
Starsky's got the right points for you.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/09/15 07:26 PM
Hey starsky
Your right. I was feeling marginally better last week and now dragged right back in. No I defo don't want to here them having sex. What I saw on Friday was too much at the time and it was nothing compared to that. The sooner I'm out the better. Wife has decided to go and see a councilor. I see it as a plus. She is the sort of person who keeps stuff in and pull your socks up and get on with it type person. She hasn't told a single person about her affair.
Mr bond
As always you bringing me crashing back to earth with your blunt reality. I wish you were sat on my shoulder so you could just give a slap when I start talking sh1t and moping about. I'm struggling but without you lot helping me id be nowhere.
Appreciated as always
Your right. I was feeling marginally better last week and now dragged right back in. No I defo don't want to here them having sex. What I saw on Friday was too much at the time and it was nothing compared to that. The sooner I'm out the better. Wife has decided to go and see a councilor. I see it as a plus. She is the sort of person who keeps stuff in and pull your socks up and get on with it type person. She hasn't told a single person about her affair.
Mr bond
As always you bringing me crashing back to earth with your blunt reality. I wish you were sat on my shoulder so you could just give a slap when I start talking sh1t and moping about. I'm struggling but without you lot helping me id be nowhere.
Appreciated as always
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/10/15 10:11 AM
More upset this morning.
My D8 whilst getting ready for school was talking about us all going back on holiday to where we went last year. My heart strings were stretching. This is not going to happen.
Then I get an email from my wife.
Our D8 has asked her why she still isn't wearing her wedding rings. Wife is upset by this and doesn't know what to say. I knew this would happen and said so weeks ago but it was her decision to take them off and leave them off. She must deal with the questions.
I replied with
"she will wonder why you aren’t wearing them. She will know something is wrong. When we tell her it will no doubt all drop into place.
I know it’s really upsetting, we will all be ok though"
I used validation cheat sheet to help with my reply
My D8 whilst getting ready for school was talking about us all going back on holiday to where we went last year. My heart strings were stretching. This is not going to happen.
Then I get an email from my wife.
Our D8 has asked her why she still isn't wearing her wedding rings. Wife is upset by this and doesn't know what to say. I knew this would happen and said so weeks ago but it was her decision to take them off and leave them off. She must deal with the questions.
I replied with
"she will wonder why you aren’t wearing them. She will know something is wrong. When we tell her it will no doubt all drop into place.
I know it’s really upsetting, we will all be ok though"
I used validation cheat sheet to help with my reply
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 09:33 AM
Again this morning more upset. I overheard my D8 saying to my wife that she dreamt last night that daddy had left to be with another woman!! My wife again asked me if D8 is just pushing buttons. I said no she will know something is wrong.
She is ringing the counsellor today to try and get an appointment. She has also started to read a book on daughters who lost their mothers. The only plus I can take is that at least she is trying to get some help.
She is ringing the counsellor today to try and get an appointment. She has also started to read a book on daughters who lost their mothers. The only plus I can take is that at least she is trying to get some help.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 02:27 PM
It worked for me, but it's against DB teaching and we're not supposed to talk about it on here (or post links to other sites, for that matter). It's a pretty mainstream strategy though.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 02:44 PM
Hey Starsky
Sorry I didn't know I wasn't supposed to post links. I apologise for that.
when you say it worked for you, what did you do? who did you tell? how long after? how did you go about it?
sorry for the questions but this has put a new slant on things. I currently feel like im an enabler as im keeping quiet to nearly everyone about why we are separating all the time she continues her affair in secret. None of her family and friends know and we are going to lie to our daughter about why im leaving. I don't want that. She will find out one day and then what will she think. For the record I am quite prepared to tell the truth about me.
I was thinking of along the lines just before I move out.
"this is the last time im going to bring this up but I don't want a divorce, I do want to work on our marriage but that involves you ending your affair with OM as im not prepared to live in a marriage with 3 people and committing to working on our marriage. Are you prepared to do this?"
Sorry I didn't know I wasn't supposed to post links. I apologise for that.
when you say it worked for you, what did you do? who did you tell? how long after? how did you go about it?
sorry for the questions but this has put a new slant on things. I currently feel like im an enabler as im keeping quiet to nearly everyone about why we are separating all the time she continues her affair in secret. None of her family and friends know and we are going to lie to our daughter about why im leaving. I don't want that. She will find out one day and then what will she think. For the record I am quite prepared to tell the truth about me.
I was thinking of along the lines just before I move out.
"this is the last time im going to bring this up but I don't want a divorce, I do want to work on our marriage but that involves you ending your affair with OM as im not prepared to live in a marriage with 3 people and committing to working on our marriage. Are you prepared to do this?"
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 03:08 PM
Again, we're not allowed to discuss it on here. If you want, I can post you the links to my sitch and you can read all of the things I did, effective and not-so-much.
I certainly do NOT think you need to LIE to people when they ask you. In fact, I strongly advise most people to tell their wayward spouse "I have decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."
Starsky
I certainly do NOT think you need to LIE to people when they ask you. In fact, I strongly advise most people to tell their wayward spouse "I have decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 03:49 PM
hey Starsky
If you would please
I'm coming round to that way of thinking. What the hell am I lying for? Who am I protecting? My wife and OM that's who.
I have nothing to lose as I've already lost it if you believe what my wife says
If you would please
I'm coming round to that way of thinking. What the hell am I lying for? Who am I protecting? My wife and OM that's who.
I have nothing to lose as I've already lost it if you believe what my wife says
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 04:09 PM
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Hey Starsky
Sorry I didn't know I wasn't supposed to post links. I apologise for that.
when you say it worked for you, what did you do? who did you tell? how long after? how did you go about it?
sorry for the questions but this has put a new slant on things. I currently feel like im an enabler as im keeping quiet to nearly everyone about why we are separating all the time she continues her affair in secret. None of her family and friends know and we are going to lie to our daughter about why im leaving. I don't want that. She will find out one day and then what will she think. For the record I am quite prepared to tell the truth about me.
I was thinking of along the lines just before I move out.
"this is the last time im going to bring this up but I don't want a divorce, I do want to work on our marriage but that involves you ending your affair with OM as im not prepared to live in a marriage with 3 people and committing to working on our marriage. Are you prepared to do this?"
Sorry I didn't know I wasn't supposed to post links. I apologise for that.
when you say it worked for you, what did you do? who did you tell? how long after? how did you go about it?
sorry for the questions but this has put a new slant on things. I currently feel like im an enabler as im keeping quiet to nearly everyone about why we are separating all the time she continues her affair in secret. None of her family and friends know and we are going to lie to our daughter about why im leaving. I don't want that. She will find out one day and then what will she think. For the record I am quite prepared to tell the truth about me.
I was thinking of along the lines just before I move out.
"this is the last time im going to bring this up but I don't want a divorce, I do want to work on our marriage but that involves you ending your affair with OM as im not prepared to live in a marriage with 3 people and committing to working on our marriage. Are you prepared to do this?"
Trying to talk rational to a WAS is an excersize in futility.
You did see however that she can be steered strongly by her emotions. Thus the daughter noticing the ring off and having the dream that daddy left, did indeed "push some buttons" on her...
You as the LBS have lost most of your power in "pushing buttons", only buttons you have at this time is refusing to financially or emotionally support her on the path she is on.
There is no guarantee's she will come back to you either and you have to accept that.
I'm glad to see the daughter could affect her so greatly in that she wants to see a councelor.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 04:32 PM
Sorry, I'm new to your thread, but why are you moving out?
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 04:39 PM
Originally Posted By: Drew
Sorry, I'm new to your thread, but why are you moving out?
Yes, who pays the bill and who is on the lease/mortgage?
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 05:23 PM
My wife asked for "time apart" yeah I know what that means. If I don't go she will move out with D8 and I cant afford to live in our house on my own. To be honest im currently thinking this over again. The more I think the more I feel like calling her out on it and if she wants to go she can go.
Any thoughts?
Any thoughts?
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 05:25 PM
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
My wife asked for "time apart" yeah I know what that means. If I don't go she will move out with D8 and I cant afford to live in our house on my own. To be honest im currently thinking this over again. The more I think the more I feel like calling her out on it and if she wants to go she can go.
Any thoughts?
Any thoughts?
If I could click "like", I would.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 05:32 PM
Have you talked to your atty about her ability, legally, to just "move out and take D8?"
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 05:32 PM
to be honest im not comfortable leaving but I don't know what else I can do. My wife will leave if I stay.
Although affair only exposed a month ago BD was 6 months ago when she basically said "we're done". For my own sanity im struggling to continue with this situation
Just found this advice over at MB who general stance is do not leave marital home
Since most men I've counseled are more emotionally and physically resilient than women to the extreme stress that being the victim of an affair creates, I encourage men to fight for their marriage much longer than I would encourage women. What that means is that they are to try to remain in Plan A as long as possible, avoiding Love Busters, and doing what they can to meet her emotional needs. They do that while still living together.
If the husband gets to a point where he cannot take the stress any longer, and must go into plan B, I encourage him to leave the home rather than kicking her out. This strategy is designed to demonstrate his care for her even under the adverse conditions of her betrayal. Since most affairs die a natural death soon after exposure, when she decides to give her marriage a chance to succeed, she remembers his thoughtfulness at a time that he could have been vengeful.
Granted, everything in a husband would encourage him to do the opposite. He wants to punish her for what she did, and let her stew in her own juices. But upon returning, which commonly happens even when a husband acts with vengeance (affairs almost always die a natural death even when the husband acts like a jerk), she will remember the vengeful acts far into the future, making a full recovery much more difficult.
When an unfaithful wife tells a husband to leave, I encourage him to stay as long as he can tolerate the stress. If she decides to leave on her own, I encourage him to let her go. The issue at hand is about kicking her out versus not kicking her out and I strongly recommend not kicking her out.
Although affair only exposed a month ago BD was 6 months ago when she basically said "we're done". For my own sanity im struggling to continue with this situation
Just found this advice over at MB who general stance is do not leave marital home
Since most men I've counseled are more emotionally and physically resilient than women to the extreme stress that being the victim of an affair creates, I encourage men to fight for their marriage much longer than I would encourage women. What that means is that they are to try to remain in Plan A as long as possible, avoiding Love Busters, and doing what they can to meet her emotional needs. They do that while still living together.
If the husband gets to a point where he cannot take the stress any longer, and must go into plan B, I encourage him to leave the home rather than kicking her out. This strategy is designed to demonstrate his care for her even under the adverse conditions of her betrayal. Since most affairs die a natural death soon after exposure, when she decides to give her marriage a chance to succeed, she remembers his thoughtfulness at a time that he could have been vengeful.
Granted, everything in a husband would encourage him to do the opposite. He wants to punish her for what she did, and let her stew in her own juices. But upon returning, which commonly happens even when a husband acts with vengeance (affairs almost always die a natural death even when the husband acts like a jerk), she will remember the vengeful acts far into the future, making a full recovery much more difficult.
When an unfaithful wife tells a husband to leave, I encourage him to stay as long as he can tolerate the stress. If she decides to leave on her own, I encourage him to let her go. The issue at hand is about kicking her out versus not kicking her out and I strongly recommend not kicking her out.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 05:34 PM
No I haven't Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 05:53 PM
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
No I haven't Starsky
DEFINITELY do that before you leave! In some instances and jurisdictions, leaving the marital home can be seen as "abandonment," and there can be serious consequences to that. Could be a big warning to you (not to leave), and also might be some opportunity/leverage for you (if wife does).
How is it that you haven't even seen an attorney yet???
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 06:48 PM
yep your right starsky. Money is tight though.
Jesus Im so confused today. Read loads of stuff on here and loads over at MB site. One minute im thinking I want to fight for this marriage next I think i don't. Im seeing a MC on sunday. Alone. I haven't told the wife. See if she can hep me with what what's going on
There seems to be a bit of an us and them situation between DB and MB sites
Read a forum today which got preety nasty and heated including commenst from Mr Bond. You were also on there starsky
Jesus Im so confused today. Read loads of stuff on here and loads over at MB site. One minute im thinking I want to fight for this marriage next I think i don't. Im seeing a MC on sunday. Alone. I haven't told the wife. See if she can hep me with what what's going on
There seems to be a bit of an us and them situation between DB and MB sites
Read a forum today which got preety nasty and heated including commenst from Mr Bond. You were also on there starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 06:57 PM
They're two very different approaches, as you've seen. While I think you can pick up bits and pieces from each, I do think that you have to decide pretty much which fork in the affair-busting road you're going to take, since they ARE so different. It's only going to confuse you if you keep going back and forth.
I have a ton of respect for the Harleys, and their teachings -- they, along with MWD and a few others -- helped save my marriage. Their forum and some of its leaders . . . ehhh, not so much. LOL
Starsky
I have a ton of respect for the Harleys, and their teachings -- they, along with MWD and a few others -- helped save my marriage. Their forum and some of its leaders . . . ehhh, not so much. LOL
Starsky
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 07:19 PM
Ahh Starsky
You're not helping me
I hadn't really looked much at that site till today. Only to find out about the dynamics of an affair. But then going on there they seem to have a much tougher stance. I mean serious detective work going on, name and shame to everyone get D papers drawn up and really house becomes a war zone as no one is budging. They sort of shame the WAS. which i can see would work but would they not just resent you forever? smooth path back if possible and all that? Even Dr Harley says affairs die a natural death.
the bit that interested me was the exposure.
Trying to be rational now my stance may be " i am not prepared to lie any longer about your affair or mine for that matter if anyone asks." I don't mean im going to email the world about it as per MB but on same hand im not going to continue to lie and say it is a mutual separation. Not to shame her but because the truth eventually comes out and i don't want to be party to the lie. What do i have to gain by lying? Nothing?
As far as me moving out for my own health which has been very poor of late considering im usually very fit which i put down to stress I think it may be my only option. What else is there. Stay in this house and continue to feel like Sh1t. I physically have the shakes all the time now. Then wife will move out and it just causes even more upset for D8. I don't even know what i want i change my mind a hundred times a day and i don't think i will till we're separated. Some distance between us. The risk is she continues her affair. But that will continue if i stay or if she moves out so what difference does it make. Dr Harley again advocates that last resort is man moving out so as to cause as little upset as possible to children but them some on there are literally flinging their wives out the door.
You're not helping me
I hadn't really looked much at that site till today. Only to find out about the dynamics of an affair. But then going on there they seem to have a much tougher stance. I mean serious detective work going on, name and shame to everyone get D papers drawn up and really house becomes a war zone as no one is budging. They sort of shame the WAS. which i can see would work but would they not just resent you forever? smooth path back if possible and all that? Even Dr Harley says affairs die a natural death.
the bit that interested me was the exposure.
Trying to be rational now my stance may be " i am not prepared to lie any longer about your affair or mine for that matter if anyone asks." I don't mean im going to email the world about it as per MB but on same hand im not going to continue to lie and say it is a mutual separation. Not to shame her but because the truth eventually comes out and i don't want to be party to the lie. What do i have to gain by lying? Nothing?
As far as me moving out for my own health which has been very poor of late considering im usually very fit which i put down to stress I think it may be my only option. What else is there. Stay in this house and continue to feel like Sh1t. I physically have the shakes all the time now. Then wife will move out and it just causes even more upset for D8. I don't even know what i want i change my mind a hundred times a day and i don't think i will till we're separated. Some distance between us. The risk is she continues her affair. But that will continue if i stay or if she moves out so what difference does it make. Dr Harley again advocates that last resort is man moving out so as to cause as little upset as possible to children but them some on there are literally flinging their wives out the door.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 07:24 PM
Calling CADET.....
I am wondering if you could help out here and pull out some really wise words from 25yearsmlc about exposure along with mixing up MB and DB techniques. I tried to look back in HP's previous threads as I thought we had this very discussion in his threads about this very topic.
If you are able to locate these posts by 25, Cadet, can you please post them here for Onetheup?
Thanks much! mwah
I am wondering if you could help out here and pull out some really wise words from 25yearsmlc about exposure along with mixing up MB and DB techniques. I tried to look back in HP's previous threads as I thought we had this very discussion in his threads about this very topic.
If you are able to locate these posts by 25, Cadet, can you please post them here for Onetheup?
Thanks much!
mwah
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 07:37 PM
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Trying to be rational now my stance may be "i am not prepared to lie any longer about your affair or mine for that matter if anyone asks."
Grand pronouncement. Not a fan. Whatever you're going to do, just do -- don't talk about it. Don't go looking for trouble, but the next time someone you care about asks you a direct question, answer them honestly. Then when you get the inevitable blowback from your wife, you say "I simply decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair," and leave it at that.
Strong men lead with ACTIONS, not with grand pronouncements, which only come across as tactics and holier-than-thou.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 07:46 PM
Love it. Thanks
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/11/15 11:19 PM
There is only one absolute rule in any of this - DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE without talking to a lawyer/soliciter. Ive seen many men end up paying the mortgage, bills and child support for the marital home for YEARS after they moved out, and OM moved in. It is the single worst action you can undertake.
As for everything else, as you have seen, different sites and counselors have very different strategies. If you look at the DB and MB forums, you see two opposite extremes on almost every position. While I think there are things to take and learn from both, for someone in the thick of this looking for guidance, I believe you need to pick one strategy and stick to it.
As far a exposure/lying for your spouse. On the MB forum they are gung-ho for over the top exposure. In DB, exposure is basically a no-no. Personally, I fall in the middle. I would never lie for a cheating spouse, and I think the AP's spouse and your own family always deserve the truth. Ive gone through a lot of cases, and I firmly believe that its the lies, especially the old ones that are most damaging to everyone.
As for everything else, as you have seen, different sites and counselors have very different strategies. If you look at the DB and MB forums, you see two opposite extremes on almost every position. While I think there are things to take and learn from both, for someone in the thick of this looking for guidance, I believe you need to pick one strategy and stick to it.
As far a exposure/lying for your spouse. On the MB forum they are gung-ho for over the top exposure. In DB, exposure is basically a no-no. Personally, I fall in the middle. I would never lie for a cheating spouse, and I think the AP's spouse and your own family always deserve the truth. Ive gone through a lot of cases, and I firmly believe that its the lies, especially the old ones that are most damaging to everyone.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/12/15 09:01 AM
Still thinkig about the exposure stuff. Woke early and couldnt sleep.
My wife has text me this morning. The Coun has come back to her. Says she can fit her in today as it she seems to be in such a crisis. I have no idea what she she mailed to the coun. She rang me asking if she should go. I just said if it was me i would.
My wife has text me this morning. The Coun has come back to her. Says she can fit her in today as it she seems to be in such a crisis. I have no idea what she she mailed to the coun. She rang me asking if she should go. I just said if it was me i would.
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/12/15 12:02 PM
interesting take on leaving marital home from allen a few years back
When you LEAVE the HOME and EMPTY it of your things and tell the WS that you will return when your marriage is SAFE again it has an OVERWHELMING impact on the WS...
"Empty homes resonate in the heat of the WS... they can SEE what they are doing... they can SEE they are driving their family away...
Why sit there in the home .. it just sends a message "we will be here waiting for you when you decide to come back..."
THAT is the WRONG message to be sending to a WS"
When you LEAVE the HOME and EMPTY it of your things and tell the WS that you will return when your marriage is SAFE again it has an OVERWHELMING impact on the WS...
"Empty homes resonate in the heat of the WS... they can SEE what they are doing... they can SEE they are driving their family away...
Why sit there in the home .. it just sends a message "we will be here waiting for you when you decide to come back..."
THAT is the WRONG message to be sending to a WS"
Re: WAW affair admitted 2 - 02/12/15 02:22 PM
Yeah, I remember having a healthy debate with Allen about that when he posted it. He actually began to persuade me to that way of thinking -- I do think it has some merit. I would however, NOT, EVER, do that without FIRST consulting with a good family law attorney, to make sure that your moving out can't be used against you legally in an "abandonment" action.