The common signs of an affair - DivorceBusting.com

Sorry if I'm breaking forum etiquette here, I have a thread over in newcomers, but quite a few people have suggested there might be an OW involved (as far as I know there isn't). I thought it might be helpful for other newcomers too, who aren't sure if there's an OP, to have a list of common signs of an affair...

So I was wondering, what signs did you guys see in the lead up to the reveal of the EA/PA? Did you see it coming, and what clues did you see? Or looking back, what were the signs you see now that you missed at the time?

Originally Posted By: susana4

Sorry if I'm breaking forum etiquette here, I have a thread over in newcomers, but quite a few people have suggested there might be an OW involved (as far as I know there isn't). I thought it might be helpful for other newcomers too, who aren't sure if there's an OP, to have a list of common signs of an affair...

So I was wondering, what signs did you guys see in the lead up to the reveal of the EA/PA? Did you see it coming, and what clues did you see? Or looking back, what were the signs you see now that you missed at the time?

1. Greatly decreased affections in a very qquick window of time.
2. Closed towards you all the time when they were normally "open"
3. Not a lot of time for you when before they had time
4. Angry at you all the time and you did nothing.... Many flip their blame onto you.
5. Nothing you do is right, ultra critical towards you when they weren't before. Brain rationalizes the affair by finding flaws in you
6. Coming in late at night or leaving much earlier out of the blue.
7. Hides cell phones, always talking on it out of earshot

Those are just some.

The quickest way to bust a cheater in this day and age is a Voice Activated Recorder in the car.

Another way is to have a cell phone spy app or keylogger on the computer.

Many of it is done in social networking and chat.

Always collect enough intel before confronting and do not reveal the source of your information.

Hi susana, sorry to hear. I'll look at your other thread later.
My OM Bomb drop was very recent so I did a lot of reflecting.

My W told me things like:
- I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore
- I'm such a bad wife (guilt)
- you are just not for me, I want something more in my life
- we are not compatible
- less sex drive
- taking care of herself better than usual
- friends become more important

Did you buy Michelle's book already? Most questions are answered in there. Or just google for affair signs. The thing is you probably have a gut feeling, but there's fog in your head so you are confused.
Later you will look back like me and say "omg, it was so obvious". Always get prepared for the worst! There might be nothing tho, I don't know your situation yet.
Keep your head up!!! You landed in the right place with a lot of big hearts and wisdom!

Susana,
In my sitch, I didn't know until I lost it when I found out they were at lunch together at a place supposedly he'd never been before. She wasn't hiding the fact they were at lunch, but I wanted to bring her something for lunch and she told me where and who she was with. Luckily, for me she came right out and said she had feelings for this guy. The sure sign for me was looking at her cell phone text usage and near 24/7 text exchange with OM.

I would certainly think your H is having an affair. In my opinion, I find it difficult for a young man to just simply want away from his woman without someone else in the picture.

susana,

I responded on your thread in Newcomers.

All my best ...

Hey Susana

I knew in my heart for long time but i just chose to ignore the reality. DBing say dont snoop

My wife is having an affair with her business partner. In the end it was almost like she wanted to get found out the clues were that glaringly obvious. Even my dad had asked months ago

We were already in trouble. Sex life dwindling. Other issues in our marriage. everday stresses

The way she would talk on the phone to OM (Business stuff) but it was just her tone

She started working away more and more

6 months ago it was basically end of our marriage. No more Affection on emails texts etc. It just stoppped

She was out socially with work more and more.

Very negative about our marriage and blaming it all on me

Found he was getting divorcded but wife failed to tell me

I then recetnly did a load of snooping and it just confirmed what i had already known for a long time.

Nearly all their emails were business like but there was the odd slip up where it would be too friendly

Nights away in her calendar that didnt tally up

Possesive over her phone to the point of taking it in the shower room with her. She never used to be

His children had accused him of having an affiar with Wife in a IM exchange

I found a birthday card for her this year from him at home hidden. (now been burnt on the fire )

Week before BD she took her rings off. New underwear bought

Confirmation when i got access to her phone in middle of the night. She hadnt even changed her passcode (she has now) Saw messages on there to each other. Fortunatly i didnt see anything too hurtful and there wasnt that many but it was enough for me to wake her up and lose it (stupid now i know) and she just admitted it had been going on for about 6 months. I think maybe longer.

Its up to you. I understand why DBing say dont snoop because to find out is almost unbearable and there is nothing you can do about the affair anyway. It will probably continue until they wake up and smell the coffee. Doing some reading about affair fog
The only thing my discovery has done is to make life difficult for her to sneak around. She has a lots to loose as does OM. its no longer a fantasy land. Its now real and she has to decide what to do with her life.

As someone mentioned above, you can always just google "signs of an affair," but you can really boil it down to their CELLPHONE. If he is totally possessive of his phone, and if the text messaging is up 5-10x (or more) than it used to be, there's your answer.

Starsky, I mentioned the same thing in her Newcomers thread re: cell phones. Her H is in IT - yikes. Everything is password protected and tied down like Ft. Knox. Any suggestions on that?

A voice-activated recorder hidden under the front seat of his car would turn up any phone conversations, but I'd check first to see if that's legal in her jurisdiction before I'd ever advocate that, and even then I'd probably have a trusted friend or family member listen to it first to protect her heart and emotions, as it can be BRUTAL.

Might be simpler to just operate from the basis that there likely IS an affair going on, and proceed accordingly. Certainly has all of the signs, and that way you're not devastated if one does turn up.

Starsky

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

A voice-activated recorder hidden under the front seat of his car would turn up any phone conversations, but I'd check first to see if that's legal in her jurisdiction before I'd ever advocate that, and even then I'd probably have a trusted friend or family member listen to it first to protect her heart and emotions, as it can be BRUTAL.

Might be simpler to just operate from the basis that there likely IS an affair going on, and proceed accordingly. Certainly has all of the signs, and that way you're not devastated if one does turn up.

Starsky

You don't have to reveal the use of the VAR for evidence, use it for yourself. It IS brutal. The convo's they have with others while they are in this mode are all disrespectful and show you how much they really think about you. They might even have the affair partner(s) in the car.

Also a lot of the time you can pick up what the other person is saying so you get the entire convo.

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Might be simpler to just operate from the basis that there likely IS an affair going on, and proceed accordingly.

Even when there is NO AFFAIR their is some sort of fantasy going on that IMHO makes it an affair.

Like PORN or a Romance Novel.

And infidelity occurs when they leave the marriage whether their is an affair or not!

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Might be simpler to just operate from the basis that there likely IS an affair going on, and proceed accordingly.

Even when there is NO AFFAIR their is some sort of fantasy going on that IMHO makes it an affair.

Like PORN or a Romance Novel.

And infidelity occurs when they leave the marriage whether their is an affair or not!

Their affairs are porn and romance novels to them, that they get addicted to. Think about that one for a minute.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Might be simpler to just operate from the basis that there likely IS an affair going on, and proceed accordingly.

Even when there is NO AFFAIR their is some sort of fantasy going on that IMHO makes it an affair.

Like PORN or a Romance Novel.

And infidelity occurs when they leave the marriage whether their is an affair or not!

Great point, Cadet. Such fantasies and "unrequited love" situations have addictively strong pulls on a wayward mind!

Starsky

Thanks everyone for their input, I think it's really useful to have a list like this! Interesting point on the porn/romance novels, Cadet, so are you saying that's the case in every situation? Why do you think that happens? Just because in order to walk away, they need a fantasy of something 'better' to be pulled towards?

I don't want to get this thread too far off topic, but starsky, what about in cases where you don't have a car? (I don't want to go down that road anyway, I think it would make *me* feel guilty and would be too hard to listen to, but I am curious)

In my experience, I have observed that it truly is "where there is a will, there's a way." Since it sounds like you don't want to do this right now anyway, there's no sense going into a bunch of snooping tech details.

I am a man of faith, and a man of prayer. I found that when I would pray each morning "Lord, please let me see and hear the things I need to see and hear today in order to protect me and my family," that He did, and He gave me the strength to stomach it. But that's just me.

Starsky

The question is do you really want to know right now.

Here are the signs that I picked in retrospect after I wised up.

- Going out for walks or drinks more often than ever. Always an excuse, like colleagues organizing something, going with a friend.
- Increased texting. Like, a lot more.
- Absent-minded. Just seem to have a lots to think about.
- Starts talking about someone new, seems enthusiastic, then stops mentioning that person ever.
- Gets defensive and curt when asked about having an affair, makes it unpleasant to broach the topic.
- Changes in friends, especially towards those that might be supportive of an A, like single or divorced friends. Stays away from married and stable friends.
- Acts like a junkie as far as OP is concerned. It becomes very important to participate to X, to be available at a given time, hides to text NOW, etc. If you get in the way, even unknowingly, they get nasty.
- Less patience for the R. More fights. Irritated by our presence, existence.

In my case, I believe my W was conflicted and made some minor attempts at connecting with me, mostly to convince herself that I was a lost cause.

I haven't read the signs in your sitch, so I don't even know if they match.

Originally Posted By: susana4

Interesting point on the porn/romance novels, Cadet, so are you saying that's the case in every situation? Why do you think that happens? Just because in order to walk away, they need a fantasy of something 'better' to be pulled towards?

Well if you look deeper into infidelity, I think it can be tied to some sort of depression.
There are different types of depression, overt(obvious) and covert(hidden).
And different reactions to each kind.
My wife was overtly depressed, and I was not inside her head but I am pretty sure she has some sort of fantasy going on in there to make her do the things that she did.

MWD talks about cheese less tunnels and how they must go down every single one looking for one that will bring them the prize.

All I can say is sometimes it takes a long time to search all those tunnels.
Our best bet is to focus on ourselves and keep moving forward.

It took me quite a long time to understand that just because I could not see any infidelity that it was not still occurring.

Most cases that we see on these boards it is much more obvious that their is an affair.

In my sitch I think my wife has convinced herself she's not having an affair... Though she most certainly is! The ability of people having A's to post rationalise is staggering!

But all the classic signs were said/done.

I love u but not in love with you
Can't see any happiness in the past in the relationship
Accused me of being controlling (really I felt her slipping away so natural reaction)

And many more, deep down I think you know if it's happening.

agree with everything youve said Sad36. My wife is the same. I just dont understand how she can rationalise what she is doing. destruction of a family unit for what is most probably a fantasy pipe dream.
I had a lot of blame aimed at me in the last 6 months. When i found out 2 weeks ago and read everything i could on affairs and the fog it is a very common tactic.
From the outside looking in, her decisions dont make any sense. If this was someone else she would be mortified. But with the chemicals causing through her veins and with no attempt to stop she will continue to make decisions which seem to defy belief.

Yes, I think there's a toxic combination of infatuation chemicals and guilt at play - they lead people to do things that they wouldn't ordinarily dream of doing...