Am I on the right track? (2) - DivorceBusting.com

I'm starting a new thread since mine's reached 10 pages. Nothing new to report.

Previous thread

I haven't initiated contact in two months. We haven't communicated at all in more than a month. Is this really the best strategy? I've been told that maintaining this NC shows my wife I am strong. Since we don't have children, there's nothing really to communicate about except for our fur ball. Do I just keep this up (detaching and working on me)?

Yes.

That's what I thought.

"I just know that she's not going to even consider coming back to me unless and until she ends her affair. "

Not necessarily.

I have to file my response this week.

I'm just going to ask my lawyer to do what's in my best interests. That's what I'm paying her for, right?

If any are the praying type, please pray that I will have wisdom today as I file my response. I dread this.

I'm praying for you...that God grants you the wisdom you seek and need to get through this.

It is a horribly dreadful process. Listen to the good folks here and continue to pray about it. When we are weak, He is strong.

Praying for you, nmwb123! God guide you. He will hold you up.

Re-read Theoden's post! Print it out and hang it up on your bathroom wall.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469020#Post2469020

My walls are covered with posts like these. They help me a lot. And what Starsky said here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469020#Post2469020

...has been VERY helpful for my mindset.

Thanks, JFred and Nitty. Yes, God will hold me up. I will make it through this. I just have such a burden for my wife. I am concerned for her, and I pray for her day and night. I realize that I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, but she is responsible for her actions, and they are not pleasing to God. I pray that God will punish me and spare her.

nmwb,

I am sorry you are hurting. I too prayed for my wife during her affair -- every day -- and I'm including the prayer that I wrote at that time. Maybe it will give you some comfort and strength.

Starsky

MY PRAYER FOR MY MARRIAGE:

Father, thank you for my family.
Thank you for giving my children to me to care for, and (wife's first name) to me to help.
Forgive me for the times that I haven�t appreciated them, and done my very best.

Father, I lift up (wife's first name) to you and ask for you to protect her today.
Protect her from physical and emotional harm, and from the enticements of this world.
Strengthen her to be the godly woman and strong mother that you want her to be.
Give her encouragement that there is hope for her marriage, and that her efforts can result in a better, happier life for her, me and our children and grandchildren someday.
Please open her eyes to the painful realities of divorce and separation and infidelity, and give her wisdom to make good decisions.
Lord, I acknowledge that you gave us all Free Will, but I ask for your extra grace for (wife's first name) during this difficult time.

Father God, I lift up myself to you, and ask for you to give me strength today.
Give me the strength to do the daily work that needs to be done to restore my marriage, my family, and my finances.
Give me the wisdom to make good decisions, and please give me the godly discernment to detect potential danger to my family, and give me the courage to be vigilant and do what�s necessary to protect my wife and my family.
Lord, give me the PATIENCE to keep working at this, and help me put my faith in the substance of things HOPED FOR,
And in the evidence of things NOT YET SEEN, instead of in appearances and the seeming hopelessness of a given situation.

Father, help me restore my marriage.
Help me to be a better father, a better husband, and a stronger example to my children, especially my young men.
Help (wife's first name) to be a better mother, a better wife, and a godly example to our children, especially our young women. Help her display, in her daily life today, the balance between strength and independence of a confident woman, and the humility and godliness that you require of her, and let that be an example to our daughters.

Lord, help me get thru this day, and live it in such a way that if it were to be the last day of my marriage,
That you would be proud of the effort I gave, and the example I led.

I pray in Jesus� name,

Amen.

Thanks, Starsky. That's very kind of you. It's a beautiful prayer, and I prayed it for my wife just now. Our pastor e-mailed her last month, and he agreed to follow up with a phone call today. I pray that the outpouring of love she has received from Christian brothers and sisters will help bring her to repentance.

Only God Himself can change hearts, brother, and even then there's that whole "free will" thing. Pesky, that. My sister likes to say "God will break you, but first you have to WANT to be broken." Very true.

The hardest thing I think I had to do is my entire sitch 7 years ago was let go of my wife, and give her to God. To fully realize -- intellectually, emotionally and spiritually -- that I could not control her nor the outcome. I will never forget the moment -- I was in the backyard, mowing my lawn of all things, sweating my azz off in the 90+ degree Florida heat and humidity, and I just started bawling like a baby. I mean I take my role as husband and father seriously, and I did do the basic things (legal, financial, prayer etc.) and lay down certain core boundaries to protect my family but ultimately I had to just --spiritually -- "lay my wayward wife at the foot of the Cross" and give her to our Lord to deal with. I told Him, honestly, that I had done what I can, and for Him to please protect her because I can't seem to get through to her.

I believe those prayers were answered, and I pray that they will be for you, too.

Hang in there,

Starsky

She does, indeed, have free will, but currently she is submitting to the enemy. My prayer is that God will heal her mind and set her free so that she can make rational decisions.

"...that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:26)

Two ladies at our church recently prayed over me, and one said she felt God telling her to pray that I would "let Jesus take the wheel," so to speak. She said she sensed I was struggling with something that was out of my control. I broke down crying, because it was true. I've been trying to do something--anything--to help my wife repent. I was even entertaining the notion of hiring a lesbian to seduce the OW(!!). I felt at that moment that God was giving me permission to stop worrying, that he was saying, "It's okay, I've got this." So I have been able to stop worrying so much. I've been praying even more, though.

God loves my wife even more than I do, so she's in good hands.

Starsky- that was awesome post. thank you. if you have a chance to catch up on my thread. any words of encouragement or suggestions would be appreciated.
thanks
igit

Originally Posted By: nmwb123

God loves my wife even more than I do, so she's in good hands.

Yep. That was something that took me awhile to fully understand as well. It's an awesome, powerful concept when you really think about it.

I went with my heart in the response. I can't control or predict how my wife will respond to anything, so I had to do what I felt was right. I'm at peace with how I responded. I continue to pray that she will end her affair and agree to work on the marriage.

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Only God Himself can change hearts, brother, and even then there's that whole "free will" thing. Pesky, that. My sister likes to say "God will break you, but first you have to WANT to be broken." Very true.

The hardest thing I think I had to do is my entire sitch 7 years ago was let go of my wife, and give her to God. To fully realize -- intellectually, emotionally and spiritually -- that I could not control her nor the outcome. I will never forget the moment -- I was in the backyard, mowing my lawn of all things, sweating my azz off in the 90+ degree Florida heat and humidity, and I just started bawling like a baby. I mean I take my role as husband and father seriously, and I did do the basic things (legal, financial, prayer etc.) and lay down certain core boundaries to protect my family but ultimately I had to just --spiritually -- "lay my wayward wife at the foot of the Cross" and give her to our Lord to deal with. I told Him, honestly, that I had done what I can, and for Him to please protect her because I can't seem to get through to her.

I believe those prayers were answered, and I pray that they will be for you, too.

Hang in there,

Starsky

Powerful stuff right there. Starsky you have a very Spiritual and Christ centered heart and that is what I am leaning on to get me through this as well. My knees hurt these days.

Not really a progress update, but I did get some encouragement last night. My father-in-law called me to thank me for a birthday present I sent him. I informed him last month that his daughter had filed for divorce, because I knew she wouldn't tell him. He told me last night that he called her immediately after talking with me and told her she needed to reconsider the divorce. She had also told me via text last month that she didn't want me talking to her parents anymore, but he told me last night that he didn't care what she said because he still considered me his son. I read somewhere, possibly on here, that wayward spouses with families that support the marriage are more likely to reconcile. I pray that it's true.

Per Starsky's suggestion, my username has been changed from nwmb (need my wife back) to wmwb (want my wife back).

Attaboy.

Starsky- igit hear! I went on the walk to Emmaus this weekend a 4 day Methodist walk for men. . It was an unbelievable moving time spiritually! I know in my heart my W always wanted us to be a strong Christian based family. The signs were there from her and I just ignored them! Always put my own interest first! Now I am paying the price! I know its never to late to be the man I am supposed to be! I realized this weekend where I have fallen short in my role as a husband! It was quite an awakening! I know the DB program is a about fixing me! Sometimes it takes a while to figure that out! I have a new feeling about my sitch! I gave it all over to the man upstairs and will just work through him!

igit, have you filed your response to the D petition?

Yes I did a few weeks ago. No news yet on a prelim hearing or anything! Craziness rt now! She called me today and was all upbeat and positive! asked if I could help out with kids after school since she has some work stuff to catch up on. she also brought up my retreat weekend! I told her it was something I would talk to her about sometime and left it at that. when I got home last night she was trying to start small talk! The kids were excited to see me! I hung out with them for a while and put them to bed! I was glad to give her a chance to have kids to herself Thur thru sunday night! No contact with me! The longest period in 19yrs where no communication! The kids were really happy to see me when I got home and wouldn't leave me alone! It was a great feeling!

Wmwb123, I am no vet but I don't think it was a bad thing informing your fil in on the sitch. I know it goes against DB guide line, but a good dad could be a great help. I mean what would a good dad say to a D wanting a D. Especially if c she respect s him. You have shared your sitch with fil.just sit back and see what he does. I don't know if its a great idea to continually be calling about the sitch. Hey your fil is glad someone told him hang tuff,be patient and let God deal with your w for awhile.

Like the name change, My friend.

I keep reading that women rarely change their mind about leaving. But I also read another "expert" that said that simply wasn't true. So which is it? Is it less hopeful when it's the wife leaving?

And is it common for the unfaithful spouse to try to avoid all contact from the day they leave?

"I keep reading that women rarely change their mind about leaving. But I also read another "expert" that said that simply wasn't true. So which is it? Is it less hopeful when it's the wife leaving?"

Both. Look, every situation is different. We all have free will. You can't say that if you do X, Y, Z, your W is sure to come back. Anyone who tells you that they can predict exactly that your W is coming back or not is a fool. I've seen situations that seemed absolutely hopeless, but they worked out. That's how life is. That's why it's important for you to not have expectations and leave it to the Man upstairs.

"And is it common for the unfaithful spouse to try to avoid all contact from the day they leave?"

Yes. It's like ripping a bandaid off a wound. The faster they get it over with, the quicker it is for them to not change their mind or think of consequences.

Dont let Satan get you down. Thats him talking right now. Hes talking to me too.

Stay strong. We've been praying together and praising God and bringing Him into this strongly, the enemy is on the attack. Resist. It's taking all that I have to stay strong, too.

Keep praying. Rule #33. "Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel."

Originally Posted By: MrBond

Both. Look, every situation is different. We all have free will. You can't say that if you do X, Y, Z, your W is sure to come back. Anyone who tells you that they can predict exactly that your W is coming back or not is a fool. I've seen situations that seemed absolutely hopeless, but they worked out. That's how life is. That's why it's important for you to not have expectations and leave it to the Man upstairs.

Thanks, MrBond. That's pretty much the encouragement I was wanting to hear. A veteran like you saying they've seen situations that looked hopeless work out in the end. My sitch looks pretty hopeless to me. At the same time, I've received positive signs from time to time such as my FIL this past week telling me he's encouraging his daughter to reconsider. It's hard to balance between detaching and giving up hope all together.

Originally Posted By: Jefe

Dont let Satan get you down. Thats him talking right now. Hes talking to me too.

Stay strong. We've been praying together and praising God and bringing Him into this strongly, the enemy is on the attack. Resist. It's taking all that I have to stay strong, too.

Keep praying. Rule #33. "Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel."

Thanks, Jefe. I've received several positive signs lately to encourage me, but for some reason I just can't stay hopeful for more than a day.

I just realized something. I am very hopeful in the morning, and then I seem to lose hope at night. It appears to be a pattern. Is that normal?

It was for me. The nights were ALWAYS the worst. Just something even about the literal darkness that depressed and discouraged me. Sunny days were better for my spirits than cloudy/rainy ones, too.

I think this is perfectly natural.

Also, your mind is more preoccupied with other things during the day -- job, kids, hobbies, LIFE. It is at night when we are usually most alone with our thoughts.

Starsky

Wmwb123, the nights are the worst. I can honestly say that I have not had more than 2 or 3 good night's sleep since February. I think my body has gotten used to it. The weekends are the worst. What used to be family time is now kids with one of us. That's what hurts the most. I feel like I have gotten to a place that I know I will be ok without her. I have given her to the man upstairs. I will continue to be a strong man for my kids.

this really shows how GALing makes a difference...it is all about getting your mind off of this situation. My sleep is coming better and better now as I have come to accept the situation. I keep telling myself that I cannot control my W and her actions. As hurt as I have been, I need to move forward. Find a good book to read at night (not a M or R book), but a good novel. Even something trashy that can just get your mind off of our current situation.

Shodan, I don't know why I picked up on this, but I like how you used the pronouns in your post: "that can get your mind off of our current situation." It is nice to be able to talk to people who are going through or have already gone through this. Friends are great, but they really don't "get it," you know? I don't know if I've chimed in on your thread or not, but I am following it, and I do include you in my prayers.

I definitely feel some fellowship here myself. Been following and praying for all you guys.

Well, I am doing a 180 now. Spur of the moment, I decided to travel 12 hours to Florida for a Bible study. I've never travelled on my own before. I don't enjoy sightseeing without someone to share the experience with. I'm going to do some sightseeing tomorrow before the Bible study in the evening, though.

Anybody have some ideas for what to do in Miami?

Rent a Black Daytona Spider and drive around in White loafers and a white sport coat.

Originally Posted By: Jefe

Rent a Black Daytona Spider and drive around in White loafers and a white sport coat.

Interesting. My wife's lawyer requested mediation. The first date available is not until December! In my state, when there are no children, the whole process is usually complete within 60 days. One divorced friend said hers was done in 30 days! I'm really praying that my wife will come to her senses during the mediation process like Nitty's husband.

If there is a casino, gambling is always nice.

Well, folks, I think I'm done. Thank you for all the words of encouragement, but I don't think I can do it anymore. If my wayward wife came back today, I'd tell her to bug off. I've reached the end of my patience. I know I'll be okay. I'll meet someone who is a genuinely good human being and not a fraud. I look forward to a better life with a better companion.

Awe, CC. I understand, my friend. Best of luck to you. Please check back in and let us know how you are doing.

Thank you so much for you're support and prayers.

I will continue to pray for you.

I'll continue to pray for you and all my other friends here. I just can't do the DBing anymore. Nothing has changed in my sitch, but every day that goes by I find myself more hurt. I can't take it anymore.

"I'll meet someone who is a genuinely good human being and not a fraud. "

This thinking is what's fraudulent. She was a good human being, fell in love with you and got married to you. After reading through your posts, I saw that all you did was center all your efforts on the A. You never explained in detail what happened or what you may have done to cause her unhappiness. And just to be clear, I never said her having an A was your fault. That is all on her. But it takes two people to break a relationship. Whether it's on purpose or ignorance, there are two sides to the story. It's never as simple as the spouse finding someone else to fall in love with.

I hope you're willing to learn how to deal with your resentment in a healthy manner.

Thanks for your reply, MrBond. I know there were issues on my side. Since she never complained and never answered me when I asked, though, I have nothing to go on in that regard. I have been self-reflecting and working on the faults I can identify on my own. I think I'm becoming a better person as a result. I didn't mean to say I was stopping DB to stop working on myself. I just meant I don't think I want my STBXW back anymore.

Hi CC,

Yes, it was about 8 month's ago my W told me that she was dating other men. I was confused, I had no idea why she was doing this while we were married, and I reacted poorly.

I think you have reacted ok so far, and you have the advantage of being on DB. Just know that if you don't throw in the towel now, that its still a long road in front of you. But I am happy that I have chosen the path to stand for my marriage, to work on myself, and that I did not rush into a divorce.

Do you think your W is in a MLC? What was her relationship with her father like growing up?

No one should have to go through the pain that you are going through now. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Wet, her father was very strict, but not abusive. I love him. He's an awesome person. She gets along well with him. I respect him immensely. I would do anything for him.

I did all the begging and pleading before I found out about the affair, but in my STBXW's mind, she will still remember it as begging and pleading for an unfaithful spouse, so she has zero respect for me, I'm sure. Our contact has been very limited by her, so I guess that's a good thing. I haven't been able to mess up too badly (except for exposing the affair, if you consider that a mistake).

This panic attack I'm going through actually means nothing. Mediation is still at least two months away. And since we're not in contact at all, she will not see any kind of attitude change. The situation has not changed. However, if the divorce goes through, I will be finished. I'm willing to reconcile if she comes to her senses before the D is finalized, but after that, I'll be heading out on a new path.

I don't know how you guys do the detaching thing. I haven't communicated with my W in more than 2 months. No contact. Zero. And yet, I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions.

"Since she never complained and never answered me when I asked, though, I have nothing to go on in that regard. I have been self-reflecting and working on the faults I can identify on my own."

She probably did tell you or complained in the beginning, but you either blew her off or didn't think that was she said was important to her. It's not up to the spouse to be a better communicator, it's up to you to be a better listener. Just because you didn't think there were issues, doesn't mean that she felt the same.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

She probably did tell you or complained in the beginning, but you either blew her off or didn't think that was she said was important to her. It's not up to the spouse to be a better communicator, it's up to you to be a better listener. Just because you didn't think there were issues, doesn't mean that she felt the same.

Maybe so, but it's a moot point now that she refuses to speak to me and is living with her affair partner.

Why am I on moderation?

Sorry for the panic attack, folks. I'm not done. I'm just weak. I really should be on antidepressants, but they knock me out, so I can't take them.

Hello,

You are on moderation due to a violation in the forum agreement. In a different thread a specific seminar/program was mentioned. Per forum agreement, please do not mention other seminars, programs, authors or books.

I'm glad that you are finding the forum to be helpful. However, please remember that this is not professional advice. It is a community of wonderful people sharing their experiences & thoughts.

You may want to consider speaking with a Divorce Busting Coach. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Mediation has been set for mid-December.

I'm doing better it would seem, because the news of the date being set didn't depress me. I went to the gym today and did a full workout. Took the dog for a walk when I got back.

Okay, so we're not supposed to get the WAW's parents involved, but what if they want to do something? I can let them stay with me and reach out to her, right? They love her, and they know this adulterous relationship is not good for her. I shouldn't ask them not to come, right?

Well, I told the in-laws I would love to see them, but the decision of whether or not to make the 14-hour trip is theirs. I know they want to help, and my heart hurts for them, because they are in a difficult position. Part of me thinks their physical presence here would help, and part of me thinks that my WAW will think I put them up to it or simply get angry at them for not respecting her decision to move on with another person. I don't think she'd cut off contact with them permanently, so I don't see how it could make the situation any worse than it already is.

I don't think the in-laws are coming.

As we move closer to mediation and what's going to be a very large amount of wasted money, I'm questioning my strategy. I mean, I don't mind going thousands of dollars into debt if it means saving my marriage, but if I'm going to end up divorced anyway, why spend all this money? Will I really be pleased with myself for "fighting" for my marriage as I try to dig myself out of debt?

I guess I've basically got three options:

1) Should I go to mediation by myself and save the attorney fees?
2) Should I ask my attorney to draw up a proposal and send it to opposing counsel to try to avoid mediation altogether?
3) Should I just go with the flow as I've been doing?

My strategy thus far has been to do the bare minimum to be seen as cooperative. I haven't pushed things along, but I haven't done anything to slow them, either.

I'm sorry, guys. I keep asking questions to which there are no answers. In the end I have to make the decision, right? It's a daily struggle that consumes my thoughts every waking hour. I don't want to think about it anymore. On the one hand, I don't see how the marriage is recoverable, but then I read stories of marriages that are recovered even when one spouse moves out. I just feel so lost. I change my mind from minute to minute.

I guess it will all be over soon enough. A couple more months at most. I think I'll just continue going with the flow. It's going to be expensive and put me in debt (I've never had debt before in my life), but I'll work my way through that, too. Life goes on.

" I don't want to think about it anymore."

Then don't. What have you been doing to GAL?

I'm getting much more involved in church, helping out with the technical team. I'm there at least three days a week now. I'm also hanging out with friends whenever I can. Last weekend I helped my best friend watch 40 kids at his twins' 7th birthday party. That's something I normally would have passed on.

I go to the gym regularly, and I do believe I'm seeing visible results now. I'm wary of taking on hobbies that cost money, because I see lots of debt in my future. Once things settle down I plan to take guitar lessons.

Thanks for chiming in, by the way, MrBond.

And in what ways have you been changing to be a better MAN?

Well, I've got my "road rage" under control. I haven't blown my horn or tailgated anyone in months. I took that trip to Florida, and I actually prayed for bad drivers to cross my path. It doesn't bother me anymore when people cut me off or when people drive slow in the passing lane. I realized there are more important things to get upset over. This is really something I should have worked on/realized decades ago. It's embarrassing, actually, that it took me this long to figure out how trivial the issue of rude drivers is.

I'm also trying to be less selfish with my time. Little things here and there.

Aside from the road rage, be more specific.

Like what?

Well your road rage couldn't have been the only thing you needed to work on. What else was there?

It's the only thing that makes me a better person. I'm also keeping the house clean and learning to cook, but I don't think those things equate to being a better person.

"but I don't think those things equate to being a better person."

They do.

I still cannot wrap my head around this LRT strategy in my situation. There has been no contact between my wife and I for three months now. I see all these other threads with wives who are cake-eating. Mine never tried any of that. She just up and left one day out of the blue. Until I discovered the affair she was telling me she loved me but was not in love with me. She said she still felt like I was family and that she could talk to me about almost anything. After I discovered the affair, she quickly became very distant. 99.99999% she's done, right? She left, never waffled and then filed for divorce. There was never any indication that she was having second thoughts except for the fact that until I spilled the beans she was telling her parents (in another country) and friends that everything was fine. She's already checked out, and she's moving full steam ahead towards divorce. How can LRT be the right strategy? Don't get me wrong. Every expert I have talked to says that I shouldn't pursue, but I just can't understand how that can possibly work.

Quote:

Every expert I have talked to says that I shouldn't pursue, but I just can't understand how that can possibly work

B/c it is the nature of most LBH'S to pursue a W who has made it plain she no longer wants him! Now tell me why you want to chase after someone who treats you that way? Would you try to convince her you can work it out? Would you apply emotional pressure, guilt, or shame? Would you make promises, bargin, plead, etc.?

None of that works on a wayward W. You cannot talk her out of this. Talk does not work during this time of the stitch.

Has her AP joined her in their new life together? There are people who have A's that actually get M. Not many last, but they try it anyway.

If she were to come back, wouldn't you want it to be without any pressure? Wouldn't you want it for no other reason except that she loves you?

Thanks for the reply, Sandi. No, I have no intention of pleading. I was just thinking about sharing a photo of the dog and letting her know I still want to work things out. Not pursuing, just reminding her of my position matter of factly.

Sharing a photo of the dog might be a nice thing to do - especially if your W is missing the dog etc.

However, I think saying you still want to 'work things out' is a big LRT no-no. Your W has made her initial decision to leave and live with her AP. She now needs to face the reality of losing your R completely. She's not going to feel that reality if you are telling her you still want to work things out.

Instead of her seeing you as moving forwards with your life, she will see you as waiting for her...

If you're in any doubt have another look at DR. However, might forthcoming mediation present some opportunities for you to DB?

Has she asked about the dog or to have a photo? If not, then you are using the dog for emotional leverage. It is a form of pursuit. You want to touch her emotions she has for the dog, in hopes it will trigger a response.

Look, there is no need to assure her you still want to work on the M. Don't you think she knows it?

She was very appreciative last time I sent a photo of the dog. We haven't communicated, so she hasn't asked, but I'm pretty sure she'd like another picture.

I'm not sure she knows I want to work things out since I went dark after she filed. Does she really need to feel like she's losing me? I mean while she's in the affair she doesn't care if she loses me, right?

Quote:

I mean while she's in the affair she doesn't care if she loses me, right?

Then why would you reassure this woman that you still want her.......while she's doing another guy?

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Quote:

I mean while she's in the affair she doesn't care if she loses me, right?

Then why would you reassure this woman that you still want her.......while she's doing another guy?

Good question. I'm kind of hoping that she's having second thoughts by now. She's been living with the other woman for five months now.

She's very stubborn (which I used to think was cute), so I think it's going to be very difficult for her to admit she made the wrong choice. If I make the road home smooth enough it may be easier for her.

So this involves her sexual identity.

It may, but I am hoping otherwise. I'm hoping she's experimenting, since she's never expressed same-sex attraction before. The OW is a lesbian and was pursuing my wife.

Quick question: What exactly does "detachment" mean? Is there a definition of what it entails? Does it just mean "indifference"? Is there something I can tell myself? I know it goes hand in hand with GAL, but I find that when I'm not GAL, I'm still thinking about the situation at all times. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I'm thinking about it. This has been going on for more than five months now. It's definitely getting easier, but I see some people who seem to have successfully detached in a matter of weeks. Right now I'm trying Starsky's "I'm already dead" suggestion and trying to tell myself "I'm already divorced."

I'm by no means an expert on detachment. But for me it means not being so 'attached' to a particular outcome - ie: reconciling. Being more detached means being prepared to gracefully accept whatever the outcome may be. It means realising that you are not dependent on your partner for your future happiness - and that you will ultimately be happy whatever the outcome - although it may take a little while for that to be the case.

To feel your own happiness is completely dependent on your partner is co-dependency - not a good recipe for future happiness.

Detachment for me also means being a little more removed from the emotional drama of the situation. ie: not getting swept in and up and down depending on what is happening with your partner. But being a little more emotionally removed, centred, balanced and focused yourself. Choosing how you respond instead of getting all swept up and reacting.

I think it really takes ongoing work to detach and it isn't easy. I feel I manage to 'appear' quite detached. And sometimes I feel more 'detached.' But other times I don't do so well.

I also think it is the difference between 'needing' someone and 'wanting' to be with them..

Hope this helps :-)

Thanks, Toots. So have you ceased caring about the outcome?

I'm absolutely certain I will be okay. I mean, I've been without my wayward wife for more than five months now, and I'm not even close to death.

My problem is that I still deeply desire reconciliation, and it causes me to have terrible emotional instability. I read the other day that in most if not all of the examples of reconciliation on these boards, the LBS had, to paraphrase, "quit giving a damn." Perhaps that is what I need to do. I guess it is best, because then my wayward wife will have to win me back, which is really what needs to happen, anyway.

No, I haven't ceased caring about the outcome. But I am trying to move a little further towards feeling that way - it isn't easy.

Is working on your emotional stability a goal for you? And if so, what are you doing about that (as Mr Bond would say!)

Well, I think my emotions will stabilize once the divorce is either averted or final. I'm not generally an imbalanced person. It's this hoping that she will come to her senses that is killing me. Waiting on mediation and hoping she changes her mind before then is very difficult for me. I have no communication with her, so I have no idea what's going through her mind. Of course, even if I had communication with her, I guess that would be elusive as it has been for so many others who are still living with their spouses.

WMB,

Hiya! You ask very good questions here.

Originally Posted By: wmwb123

Quick question: What exactly does "detachment" mean? Is there a definition of what it entails? Does it just mean "indifference"? Is there something I can tell myself? I know it goes hand in hand with GAL, but I find that when I'm not GAL, I'm still thinking about the situation at all times. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I'm thinking about it. This has been going on for more than five months now. It's definitely getting easier, but I see some people who seem to have successfully detached in a matter of weeks. Right now I'm trying Starsky's "I'm already dead" suggestion and trying to tell myself "I'm already divorced."

Indifference=not caring one way (hate or love)

Detachment=you may care, but are not caught up in the other person's actions/behaviors

When one feels either love or hate, one is not really indifferent because your thoughts dictate your emotions. Really. How you think colors your emotions. Indifference means you do not feel love or hate. One is just simply neutral. Make sense?

For me, I really really hate Ms. Wonka's OW. I am still feeling emotion about the OW because I am not completely indifferent to how I think about the OW.

Now, I am detached from Ms. Wonka and the OW. Which means I am not caught up in what they do or don't do with their lives. Detachment comes with dropping the rope.

Dropping the rope means you are not emotionally tied to or invested in the other person's thoughts, comments, attitudes, and behaviors. GALing is essential in getting you on the path of dropping the rope. Dropping the rope is directly correlated to detachment.

Hope this clears some things up for you.

Thank you, Wonka. I'm going to have to read that several times and process it. I appreciated your comments on another thread, so I'm really glad you posted on my thread.

Next thread