Here is a link to my story so far, not long but I felt I would be better off now in the infidelity area.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...850#Post2480850
So I confronted my wife last Monday with the knowledge of her affair. She admitted to it and apologized, though didn't seem terribly remorseful.
I remained calm and listened. She said she didn't know why it happened or what it means that it did happen. She wants to figure that out. I asked if everything we had done in the last year, the steps we had taken were for real or just to buy more time an she said it was real.
I told her if we were to work on our marriage she would need no contact with OM and counselling. She said she did want to work on us and agreed to no contact and counselling.
A couple days later she told me she talked to her mom and told her everything. She was tired of her mom feeling she was morally strong and dealing with me in this relationship. I want to take this as a big step, seeing as OM is in the same town as her mother.
We camped together with our kids and friends this past weekend, she has been sick and at work evenings this week. So we haven't really had a chance to talk much more. I'm also trying to give her some space and not smother right now.
She has just started reading "after the affair", and still kissing and saying I love you. That being said, I feel she is withdrawn and struggling. Whether she hasn't really decided to commit or is withdrawling from no contact with OM (no letter sent yet but she says she hasn't contacted or been contacted.
Her life with this [censored] would not be easy. He has a business on the other side of the country and would maybe be available as a live in partner 6 months a year.
Just getting he ball rolling, as I need some kind of outlet and any advice.
Thanks
That's a good sign, however, have the two of you evaluated how she got to that point in the first place? You two need to go to C together to set up a road map for reconciliation.
Plus there needs to be a transparency plan so that you can be sure she's not going to fall off the wagon with the OM.
I would add that your W needs to send out a No Contact letter to the XOM asap.
I don't know how she got to this point and hopefully we can discuss that. I know over the last year I've addressed my issues and shown consisted change.
She says I'm the best husband and her best friend, but it happened. An emotional affair turning physical when opportunity arose.
While snooping I read about her plans to leave me and be with OM, she was discussing this with a girlfriend. When I asked her about it she said her and OM did talk about it but knew it would never work.
I guess now I'm having a really hard time believing even the positive signs. I believe she is a good person, but if she is still deep in affair fog I'm not sure what she would be capable of doing. So many great things happened between us from Christmas till now that I want to believe her intentions are genuine, but it is hard right now to not feel like I might be getting conned.
That's why you two need to go to MC asap. No rug sweeping the problems. Michele has a great program as well as Joe Beam.
We live remotely with no real access to a MC. I'm not familiar with the programs you mention, I'm guessing they aren't alternatives to MC.
Do you know of any good telephone counseling options?
Michele is the one who created DB. You can get the information above.
Look up Joe Beam. He also has 3-day M courses that are supposed to be quite good. You can look him up online.
How remotely do you live? I STRONGLY suggest you see someone in person. I haven't seen many M's saved without that.
Also might want to look up Retrouville as well, Lakeman.
Thanks you for the suggestions. I guess I feel like I need to protect myself emotional right now.
Any suggestions on how to talk about if my wife's intentions are genuine, or is this a conversation not worth having right now.
"I guess I feel like I need to protect myself emotional right now."
That's the last thing you should do. Shutting yourself off from your W now will only build resentment in you. It'll eat at you like a cancer. Not saying that you totally open yourself up to her, but you can slowly start to encourage the positives with her.
"Any suggestions on how to talk about if my wife's intentions are genuine, or is this a conversation not worth having right now."
It's worth having. You don't need suggestions on how to talk. You just talk.
Thank you Mr Bond, Solid advice. I want to feel like I didn't everything I could throughout this process, and part of that is being respectful enough to myself to not be walking on eggshells.
I appreciate your time.
Talked with W lastnight. She assured me her intentions were genuine and there has been no contact since this came out in the open. She is writing the no contact letter today and we will send it together tonight. I also found a Gottman Therapist sort of close that has openings that could work.
What to expect from this point on? Any input on what the therapy will be focused on?
Lakeman,
There's a good No Contact sample letter over in Tarheel's thread...and Train's too.
The therapist needs to focus on solutions for you both to work with in going forward together as a team. No re-hashing of past hurts or scorekeeping. Look at some communication patterns that lead you to drift apart.
Have you read any of Gottman's books? If not, I'd urge you to do so. Very enlightening.
Wonka, thank you for the response.
I talked to the therapist yesterday and my wife starts this week with a solo session. She said there would be exercises ( homework) for is to do. I did tell her we wanted to move forward and work on our marriage. I imagine there has to be some going backwards, my W wants to figure out why it happened. I really have no control where they go in there private sessions other than having mentioned we want solutions.
Is it possible for a gottman therapist to counsel without going into the past?
Hope everyone had a good long weekend.
Things around our house are feeling a lot like they didn't last year when W was a daily contact with OM. She is hugging and kissing saying I love you.
My question is: even with a no contact letter and transparency plan how do I know there really is no contact and she is trying to move forward? There was so much lying and gaslighting last year I wonder if I will ever feel certain. Does it require a leap of faith?
Oops, a lot like they "DID" last year...
"Does it require a leap of faith?"
Yes. And be aware that it is VERY common for those who have been in A's to have what they call False Starts. Sometimes they'll contact the OP sometimes they'll keep a memento from them, etc. At those points, you need to call her out on them.
A good C will be able to call her out on those. She has to be PROACTIVE in saving the M and not just say she will and not follow through.
It takes a leap of faith, yes - AND it takes the full transparency plan (complete with usernames/passwords to all emails, cell phones, apps, etc.) so you can, as Starsky says, "trust ... but verify."