Hi all, thought it was time to swap to this thread, now that h is put in the open with the ow...
brief rundown: h said he was unhappy, had been for a while in march 14, we s and he floated between his mums, or house and a hotel, originally said he was done, then considered reconciling, moved into his own place may 14, things were ok, then I pursued and things went drastically backwards.
bd 2 late June, H told me to let him go, that he'd always love me but the feelings weren't there, suspected ow for a long time but ignored it.
bd 3 July 14, said he'd been 'talking' to someone, same ow he had a brief a with Nov last year, says he wants to see where it goes.
it's all escalated very quickly, he wants (at her pushing) her to meet our three boys, and he had to degreed me off fb (which he then said I should re friend him) that he's to have minimal contact with me.
They are away together this weekend, sooo that's it in a nutshell, he has moments where he is affectionate towards me (usually when I'm feeling teary and emotional) and then at other times acts like I am a complete stranger...
This could be a long road, mine went public with ow at 4 weeks. After bd.
It's been since jan. we shall juts plod along huh?
Please don't make the mistake I made and allow OW near the kids just yet. That was a huge mistake that cost me lots of emotional days.
Yes my H is back in my house but no he is not "back" in our marriage.
He went public (with family) with OW immediately, and it's been a long road. I know it's hard (sometimes impossible) but don't pursue, try your absolute best not to be emotional/cry around him. I can't do it all the time but I try really hard.
Emotionally just knowing my kids are not playing happy family with OW is a huge relief and allows me to have a much better PMA.
Find out what your legal rights are and stand strong.
I have advised watto about some free services in our area and I hope she's using them.
I don't have the worry as my child is not his. while he might have a moral right he hasn't a legal leg to stand on.
Hey gg, so glad you followed me over, I did ring up the free services, so all good there, they were really helpful. twinmom, yes the one boundary I am firm on I'd that the ow is not to meet our boys, I don't care if they've been seeing each other for months(which I strongly suggest is the case, even though he said it's only been 6 to 8 weeks) the boys are too young and they are still trying to used to the idea that mum and dad are s. The school councilor said to both of us that s7 in particular need structure and consistency right now and to let the dust settle before making any more changes.
H is any with her this weekend, and I just got text message from him (it's 3 am here! ) asking if I had money he can transfer over til Monday, he's at the casino, ummm in appropriate much?? thus is where his head is at, and yet doesn't think he has a problem with gambling.
gg this one is for you, found out today ow got busted(and there's photographic evidence) giving shane warne a 'service' whilst on her knees....classy huh lol lol
H is any with her this weekend, and I just got text message from him (it's 3 am here! ) asking if I had money he can transfer over til Monday, he's at the casino, ummm in appropriate much?? thus is where his head is at, and yet doesn't think he has a problem with gambling.
I hope you said
"He]] no!" ?
Hey starsky, I chose not to respond at all, not my fault he's chewed through all his money, ask ow for money...
good thing there's a casino close, to us otherwise he'd go broke driving there.
I would not give him money rule 101 of separation in my world, he's unlikely to give it back so If you can afford to gift it and want to cool, if not dont. Live as if he's not coming back.
Omg shaney, is such a catch
he's not someone I would ever want to meet let alone be "with". Seeing him on the covers of trashy mags makes me want to spew.
The ow she's a working girl right!
that's naaaaaaasty.
wasn't shane warne dating elizabeth hurley?
I would advise against having her meet your children until much later....i know sometimes, we don't ever get that option.
and as for calling your to ask for money...
boy howdy, that is a pile of gall
H and I are usually pretty reciprocal with money, if u need he'll give and vice versa, but I object to early morning text messages wwhile he's aaway with ow and gambling to boot.
He rang before, I let it ring out, he didn't leave a message...oh well
no idea when the warney thing occurred it was a while but still, that's the kind of trash I've been replaced with...it's almost laughable.
The boys and I are having a great day today, wwe've been out of town, done some shopping, now to clean the house and get ready for our housewarming party tonight!
I've been out too!
I still wouldn't give him money now, what's been applying in the r does not apply now.
If he's spending at the casino and he's out of money he may not have any till next pay.
Imho gambling is not a need, food is.
I think shaney w, would be classified as the town bike, as everyone has had a ride.
Don't forget the std checks for you. Community health can help with free ones, or there is a clinic I think in Canberra.
Hey gg, did the sad test a month ago, all clear thank the Lord!!
had a great hhousewarming party, the kids had a ball, got to talk to people I haven't Connected with for a while.
had to take one of the twins to the hospital just before everyone arrived as he cut his toe open? very gross but I coped, there a 180 right there, would normally ring h to tell him/manipulate and create a drama.
I actually missed his call when he rand to say goodnight to the boys, as we were at the hospital so I sent him a text instead of ringing back just stated the facts and that I gave the boys a hug and kiss from him (another 180!)
he responded/ asked if twinnie was ok, I replied again with the facts and that I had it covered and that we would see him when he gets back to town tomorrow.
Not sure what to do about the money sitch, I'll have sleep on it, but there will be no money given for known gambling that is for sure.
I have a small dilemma, a very nice person has asked me to lunch tomorrow, and though I would like to say yes, I know that I am not interested in being with anyone other than my
h, I would like to have lunch and become friends...nothing more, do you tell the person that you are only interested in being friends or do you just not go?
Hey gg, did the sad test a month ago, all clear thank the Lord!!
had a great hhousewarming party, the kids had a ball, got to talk to people I haven't Connected with for a while.
had to take one of the twins to the hospital just before everyone arrived as he cut his toe open? very gross but I coped, there a 180 right there, would normally ring h to tell him/manipulate and create a drama.
I actually missed his call when he rand to say goodnight to the boys, as we were at the hospital so I sent him a text instead of ringing back just stated the facts and that I gave the boys a hug and kiss from him (another 180!)
he responded/ asked if twinnie was ok, I replied again with the facts and that I had it covered and that we would see him when he gets back to town tomorrow.
Not sure what to do about the money sitch, I'll have sleep on it, but there will be no money given for known gambling that is for sure.
I have a small dilemma, a very nice person has asked me to lunch tomorrow, and though I would like to say yes, I know that I am not interested in being with anyone other than my
h, I would like to have lunch and become friends...nothing more, do you tell the person that you are only interested in being friends or do you just not go?
I guess if you go or not depend on your game on the longer term. What are your goals?
Lunch per say isn't a situation in which you could get cornered like a date at night, but it could lead to expectations. Is this a new person or friend who's known you as a couple?
I'm a longer way down the track, and h is not showing any signs of r. He's acting like I'm Jack the Ripper. His family treated my like a stranger they didn't know and his aunt could even look me in the eye. My life in some form needs to move on and is in a way.
I flip and I flop, but most of the time, I'm happy being on my own. I'm not a huge party person, and like my own time and hobbies.
Mmm I know what you mean by expectations, no this person doesn't know h and I as a couple, I met them independently recently, he is also recently s, so for me at least, it is me meeting new people of the opposite sex to form a friendship with.
I think a lunch is ok, as it doesn't have the same connotations as something g at night, I agree there.
sad that your h is treating you like that, and his family sound like a pack of vipers.
I too am beginning to enjoy being me again, I was thinking about when I first met h, I was messy in my head but I had balls! I was confident and I knew what I wanted. I think somewhere along the line I began to to put h on a pedistool, that he could do no wrong and that he would make everything ok, instead of standing on my own two feet.
I get now, I will be ok, i do love my h, but I will be ok no matter what happens. I really want what is best for him and me, and our boys .
having said all that, let's see how I go when I have to drop the boys off to him this afternoon.....
If lunch date is separated he might just need support, an ear who's walking that path. Althought he could be needy and thinking he should move on, hence it " might" get ugly.
If he has kids it could work out as play dates for kids and someone to share the child load if you need a sitter if h let's you down.
I guess it's just not knowing, the person and how sticky it could get.
I'm still holding onto my lighter fluid and zippo!
(For me, I'm terrified of op expectations)
As for my il family, I'm pretty sure his script it the same one he gave from his first wife. All his lines he used with her he used for me and on me.
Which was she left for a much younger man she had a crush on and she drank far too much so thus had a drinking problem. All her fault his was a 100%
I don't drink and found lots of evidence h was drinking far more than I saw. he would have one drink most nights with me, but I found missing grog, s16 mentioned Friday h would have at least 2 drinks before I got home. He constantly accused me of a!
I did not drink nor have too many male friends, nor did I go anywhere without him knowing where I was. H often was seen in places I had no idea he was going.
Oh gg, sounds so messy, obviously your h hasn't learnt from the first time around, and seem to be spewing the vitriol again
is he still with the ow?
well lunch date man doesn't live hhere so that's great! he does have one kid as far as I know, at least the sun is shining and we can sit outside and look at the lake, yeas it is the unknown quantity that worries me, I've been with two people in the last 20 years, holy hell.....
Snap! Met h 1 had 21st with him, then about 10 months after that ended I met h2!
That spans over 22 years!
As far as I know. Fb status says so, he gave her a car, he spent $hite loads on.
Let the controlling begin. Rolls eyes.
3 weeks till mediation. Sigh.
Yeah, it was topic of yesterday with bestie and her hubby. He hasn't learnt squat and is so inflexible he is even using the same damn script. Even tho it may have been partially true in w1 case she did drink quiet a lot, she had no self value dated a married man. It's not true in my case even remotely.
So went on the lunch 'date' seemed like a really nice guy, and zero zip zilch nana attraction on my behalf, I was honest from the get go, that I am only looking to meet new people, we got along well, and I could see him becoming a friend. what it did do I'd solidify how I feel about my h. I love him, that's it, and I'll take each day as it comes, no expectations.
tonight has been awful and interesting at the same time, someone keyed the word b*tech into my car, and the only person I wanted to go to was h, he tried to buff it out, will have to go to a panel beater to get it taken out, I'm fairly shattered as I have no idea why anyone would do that to anyone, regardless of how you feel about them so I broke a cardinal db rule and was a blubbering mess in front of h and at that point I was too shocked to care.
The upshot is that we finally got to talk, for the first time in a long time. He was honest about how he'd been seeing the ow, and it was longer than what he had originally said, which I already knew, and that I knew he'd gone away with her over the weekend, that when he'd texted me at 2 in the morning, they'd had a fight and his first response was to go and gamble...mmm awesome start to a r.
we talked about d, and again he says he hasn't even thought about it at this point, which is lip service I know, we talked about his super and like I said to him, I have my own, his super goes to our boys as would his life insurance.
He at this point is in deep, and all I can do is keep moving forward, at least I felt like for the fist time in a long time there was honesty.
Well, maybe just keep moving forward and see how things develope.
Nasty re your car, but if it were ow, just let her do her own dirty work for you.
I don't think even she would be that stupid, and it was just nasty, I thought it might be some random idiot who I rebuffed out one night because I wham not interested in 'hooking up' but this to me smacks of a female...and when I do find out, and that's the only advantage to living in a small country town, you always find out, it's game on!
my biggest concern is that my s7 can read and he knows that word, how awful for him to see that and wonder why.
and yes definitely interesting conversation, a lot more to it, but the general gist was there, and I will keep on keeping on, making me better and the woman any man would be a fool to leave.
After a sleepless night I am questioning everything, how do go forward with and how involved in the ow. do I ditch all that I do for him/kids ie looking after them on his days while he works, I do enjoy the activities I do with them such as playgroup on Mon mornings and swimming on wed mornings. do I tell him that it's pointless to continue family night because all it really seems to be is either one of (depends who has the boys) turning up, eating dinner, bath the twins, they go to bed, readers wwith s7 and then the one of us leaves.
do I stop doing the washing for boys and him, and I know that sounds like I need a 2x4, I do get paid to do it, and I'll take the money!
I am so confused, I was doing really well, and now I feel like I'm at the beginning again, maybe h is gone for good, maybe I should have just given up when he did.
Today was a better than good day, I was booked out with clients all day, one after the other, kept my mind focused.
H texted general stuff throughout the day, asked how my day was going, nice easy stuff. He changed his Fb profile pic to one I'd taken of him and tagged him in ages ago, it's a great pic and I told him so, also interesting to note that his wedding ring is highly visible in the photo, and I like that he still chose to use it.
I think becoming his friend again is a great start, no expectations.
His r with ow is at this point, his business, I can't change that, and I can't give it and more of my head space, watch out for myself and our boys. I don't know if that is correct dbing, but it feels right for me today.
I think I just got fired by my therapist as a patient because she doesn't think that there's anything left in my marriage to save, and she doesn't think solution based therapy will/is working....
Mine was a bit like that too!
Sigh. Keep on keeping on but Do be aware h might be trying to cake eat and have watto
As plan b!
I have spent most of last night and this morning reading through other people's sitch's on here and I made note of the small stuff,, the small signs that the tide was turning in their sitch's, and I had a look at mine.
I have noted that I am not so reactive to h himself, I vent more on here and to my best friend, I have become better at blocking out the negative and focusing on what is going right.
I spend a lot less time crying (though I still have my moments) and when I do I do my utmost to keep it to myself.
Some of the small things:
h listened when I told him one of the things that s7 didn't like was when he was with either one of at night after the twins had gone to bed, we on out phones Fb texting etc.
H made a point of telling me last night he hadn't been on his phone at all while s7 is still up (as have I) 5 hats a great thing.
H sends a text at least a couple of times a week in the middle of the day just asking how my day is.
He has started to do small physical touching things, a hand on my hip as he walks past, a rub on the back, an arm squeeze.
He sends a text/ photo of something the kids are doing or something he found (a lizard in his kitchen the other night!)
last night was family night, and it went well, we had a bit of a dance in the kitchen before dinner with the boys and they loved it, it was light and fun and family!
while the boys were in the bath, H said the we're sone days that were harder than others missing his dad, and I said while I n know how much I missed his dad, I can only imagine how hard it would be for him, this led in to a convo about his brothers and how one only rings him when he wants something and the other is not talking to him at all, I agreed with him that I knew how hard it was and then h pushed me about whether I knew why the one wasn't taking to him, and I simply ssad it's because he feels hurt that h lied to him about the a, that his brother had the same thing done to him and I thought it bought up a lot of issues for his brother.
H then got defensive, I De escalated (huge for me I usually go straight into drama mode!)
and said if he really had problems with the way his family were acting then he needs to tell them, deal with or truly let it go.
It was at that point h said that he didn't care that he was pretty content right now.
bit of fluffery on his behalf, if truly content, these things wouldn't even be mentioned.
As h left( and knowing he's meeting up with ow) gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said have a great night, cheeky I know, but it's still a 180 for me, and I know that has started to notice that change.
so this is where I am, I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing, I'm a helper by nature,II'm going to do what I can to be there with out compromising who I am and what I need to do.
Any more suggestions are more than welcome
Just saw my first confirmation of H's r with the ow, one of her friends posted a pic of a bar sign warning about pda's, ow and h were tagged in it. I feel very confronted right now, and he commented on the post, It hurts to think that all the people I'm friends with and he's also friends with will see that
I feel like a dead set fool right now, again I so want to be m to my h but how do I get past this?
Half of what you see and nothing you hear!
Right watto!
Right?
Small towns are the best and worst at times, trust me.
Thanks gg, I know small towns s*ck! I'm going to see an inxs tribute show tonight, I'm so excited, I've got my tan going on, had my hair done, nails painted, new outfit, can you tell I'm excited lol! just going out with a group of girlfriends, lots of singing and dancing. I've organised a babysitter, which I should add h is paying for, his insistence. He has also mentioned twice in the last 24 hrs, depending on how he's feeling (think he tied one on last night) he might come to the show too, we'll see, like you said half of what you see, nothing said! just interesting considering he has made it obvious up until this point that we won't be going out socially.
oh well his deal not mine, I have a awesome night ahead of me
Band in my town too! But as I live a ways out its not happening. I hate going alone.
Have fun.
I'm not in a fun way either.
Had a great night last night, the band 2 as really good, got to sing my lungs out, have a bit of a dance, only hit a flat spot when I realized that all the people I was with were coupled off, but shook it off and gad a good night. of course h never turned up, ow would have been at his place.
dropped the boys off to h this morning, he asked if he could have the car today do he could take the boys to a play Centre, I said yes then he asked what my plans were for the day, which was nothing, asked if I wanted to come ( I felt he felt he had to ask) so along I went.
it was a nice day with the kids, again only a couple of flat spots, one when h said he needs to get a car for when he has the boys, which I said months ago, we just reverted into old patterns, I felt unheard and he feels like he's being attacked. I guess in my mind, I was thinking why now? What have you and ow been 5 asking about? am I encroaching on your space too much?
this moment passed, and the only thing for me that changed the tone of the day was when we'd finished doing some shopping for the boys, ow rang and he took the call, he walked off a bit and I got back in the car, he apologised for the call (???) and gave my leg a squeeze.
we got back to H's place, played hide and seek for a while, had dinner, showered the boys, put them to bed and I came home. I thanked h for letting me interlope on their day, he he said it was fine and he appreciated it (not really sure what that meant)
I know it's a marathon not a sprint and to look for the small stuff, sometimes it's hard to see the small stuff.
Just feeling a little flat right now, house is really quiet, and I'm tired and I've spent the day playing happy families, so a bit of a crash to earth I guess.
Oh god, just got a text from h saying he's just waiting for s7 to go to bed and he wants to ring for a quick chat, says nothing stressful or serious....that never bodes well....
Take a deep breath! Don't forget your goal.
It's wet here and I went to one of my other jobs. Missed some of the people I haven seen in 6months
Thanks gg, jjust got off the phone from h, seems he didn't tell ow that I spent the day with him and the boys today because she would probably get upset.
Also said she knows we do family night every week and she's all for it. and that I have the boys every Mon and wed, and she's fine with it...but wouldn't be ok with me spending the day with them today, makes no sense to me.
He also said that he and s7 had been going through the kids book I bought on s and d, aimed at getting kids to talk.
Part of it was talking about mums and dads seeing new people, s7 got very upset and said that he didn't want a new mum or dad, H told him we would always be his parents, but at least s7 has validated to h that he's not ready for ow or anyone else to enter his life.
H also said in there somewhere that we would not back together, I think in trying to reassure ow, she's worried about us getting back together, and he's telling her we won't, yup that stung. half of what you see and nothing you hear.
I think you need to let ow implode.
Not that that's great ground breaking advice from me, given my yesterday! Pathetic day at best. I think I was said best in mlc thread when they called it wtf land.
So this is the text I sent to h just before ( I'm going to drive everyone nuts tonight! )
" thank you for your honesty tonight about going to kids town today and for spending the time to go through parts of the book with s7, our situation is hard on all of us and I certainly don't want to make it harder on you. like I said before you are my best friend and I can't imagine not having you in my life, but I also understand where your are, at this point, and whatever it is you need me to be or do is okay...x"
his response straight away
"thank you for coming today...it was a great day for all of us...w, I'll always be in your life - you are my best friend too...I will not ask you to be anyone other than yourself....wouldn't change you at all....x"
WTH, I need help here, please, am I pursuing? Do I back right off? Do I back off a little bit? this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, and I'm the mother of twin boys!!!!
Lol, gg just saw your last post, and yes wthf land is right!
what happened yesterday?? big hugs ((( ))))
On my thread. I had a wtf moment thrust upon me.
Knocked me right off my perch. Sigh. Happier today, but still.
Watto, yes that text was just inviting him to eat cake.... (and I should know I let h do it for a long time)
It is much easier said than done and MUCH easier to see in other people's situations than when you are emotionally involved with your own.....
I had a very hard time between saying "no make believe happy family time" and letting it happen for the kids and thinking it would eventually make OW go bonkers.
It never did make OW go bonkers, actually she was always just fine with it and questioned H when he didn't do that kind of stuff.... SO, I guess what I am saying is (again I know hard as he'll) a firmer/we are not friends stance is needed.
It needs to be clear you will not be waiting for him on days he wants you and go away on days he doesn't. Be the door, not the door mat!!
Thanks twinmom, yeah, I saw the cake eating thing too, but I guess tried to ignore it.
how do I then extricate myself, for example, on Monday (which us today) I have the boys even if it's h time as he works full time, yes part of the reason I do it us to see h, but the 90% is for the boys so they're not getting shunted around from babysitter to babysitter, and I get to take to play group, unless I do the playgroup thing in the morning, and then let h work what he does with them in the afternoon.
same goes on Wednesday, they go to swimming in the morning, so I have them all day again, and it's 'family night' on Wednesday too.
I don't know how to stop doing these things without upsetting the kids, and h.
Well you shouldn't care about upsetting h!
He didn't care that ow would upset you did he? Right?
Maybe dinner out somewhere for him and the boys, not you. Sick friend life activity who cares pick something. Let him take the children but that doesn't include you. Simple
I know I shouldn't gg, and I'm doing my best to think just that! family night is still on as a request from s7, so it stays...
Mondays and Wednesday stays as is with the twins, and all other things are on the back burner.
I told h tonight next Thursday when is my turn to take s7 to karate, I'm taking him out for dinner and video games! h can deal with the twins all by himself, just like I do, and I can't wait to go on a dinner date with s7, he's pretty excited
;)that is sounding like a plan!
What is your life going to look like after the divorce is final? Try and make it look like that now.
You can be "daycare" on H's days but just be that and nothing more. Watch the kids while he is at work and as soon as he is off you are gone/he picks then up whatever it may be.
Unless you can handle family night and are willing to do this forever I would slowly cut that out. It's not just for s7 it's a huge cake eating opportunity. My H wanted me to be his best friend (nothing sexual) while he was living with her, then wanted "comfort affection" when she kicked him out. It wasn't till I went almost completely dark that life started slapping him in the face and I am seeing some changes.
Think about it, have you done 180's and he has seen the new you? If so than its time to make him miss the new you.
Thanks twinmom, I haven't thought about what life would be like when the divorce is final because honestly I don't want that to happen, and I know that is burying my head in the sand but I think I should give it thought.
family night is a tough one, I can see exactly what you're saying, and I have often thought of this myself, it's the one thing that h has stuck to and was his suggestion, so there is a part of me that wants to make him stick to it.
I have done a lot of 180s, and as a whole, I feel great for it, and I know that h is noticing, I also know that I am no longer the source of his angst or stress, ow and her friends are doing that for him. I had actually just been talking to my best friend yesterday and she said too, that Mondays and Wednesdays are the perfect time to show him (in the brief time he sees me) my changes. and then as little contact as shared custody of the boys will allow.
He won't miss you. Simple.
If you give him parts of your r it can support him to stay longer with ow, as it will feel complete.
Thanks gg, definite food for thought, and I am working at extracting myself and parts of our r, while still maintaining structure and consistency for the boys as the councilor recommended....sigh, what a balancing act.
on a plus side, I didn't exactly gal today but I did get my car booked in for a service, and spoke to the panel boaters about getting the word taken off my door, I did a few clients, dropped the boys off at H's and came home, so good day for me
Glad you had a good day.
Mine was better than I hoped s16 did a 180 on me from the weekends attitude. Not sure why but any who!
The twins and I are off to their first swimming lesson today, one of he boys had a temp over night but other than a llittle grizzly today, seems to be ok.
boys dumped everything out of h wallet this morning, as I was putting it all back in, I noticed he had a pass for the snow, got momentarily thrown, in my mind I did the whole, 'we never went to the snow, it's not fair' and then I thought to myself, it's his life now, his choices and if I want to go to the snow I can, I don't have to feel jealous because he's gone. small 180, we'll actually not so small, old me would sulk and badger him about when he went and who with and why not with me.
small step forward for me.
family night tonight, as soon as boys are in bed, I'm headed home to do me things, name cards or at least get everything set up ready to get creative!
Snow is over rated, trust me. Who needs to pay over a hundred bucks to be cold and wet.?
This would show me he has play money. To gal. Don't be lending him any now.
Come to new comers we have a music thread now!
I've made a few back slides over the past couple of days, had a massive fight with h last night, over him having the boys for an extra night on Sunday as I'm going to see my mum who isn't well, he said he was fine with that and actually pushed me to go, then rang yesterday to ask if I minded if he went out on Sunday and got a babysitter to watch the boys, I saw red, I heard all his of eexcuses my head and completely lost it.
I did do a 180 for me though and sent a text a apologizing for my behavior, that I was understandably stressed about my mum.
He sent one back saying he should be sang sorry and that all I had to do was say no, and that would have been fine.
I guess when you've had things like this continuously pop up in the past, it's hard to see that what he's saying is the truth.
can't get a handle on detaching, am gal, working as much I can, back to the gym( 11 weeks til I turn 40, determined to look a million bucks!)
taking the boys to different places when I have them.
Also felt silly this morning, had to take my car to be serviced, had asked h a couple of days ago to pick me up from there, and take me home, he said no worries, I made the assumption after yesterday that he a: wouldn't do it and b: would forget as nothing had been said in a couple of days, so I organised a loan car for the day, and I was driving home I saw h heading to the car dealership to pick me up. I rang straight away to tell him what had happened and he said he was always going to pick me up.
I just can't get it right...
This morning has been chaotic, I spent three hours at the local hospital with one of the twins who ran into a wall, 4 stitches and heap of sedation later, he is finally asleep on the couch.
had 5 ring h and let him know, he came to the hospital while the stitches were going in.
he's still off to the races today, his priorities are definitely skewed, and I told him so, I don't care at this point it's not a 180, this is the same crap I have been dealing with for years, this 8a one of our children who ddoesn't just want his mum he wants his dad too, and while I know there are lots of single parent families out there, our boys have two parents that could be there for them, and this is one of those times.
then h was all, ring me if you need me, WTH? so if I need you (like right now) I ring and you're 45 mins away and drinking, what good is going to be?
Then he's going to leave, hugging me and twin, and giving me kisses on the top of my head and on the lips, again WTH???
I am completely baffled by h behavior, didn't hear from him at all yesterday, except when I texted him to let him know how twin was going (ended up with mild concussion)
he rings mid morning this morning to see what time I'd be dropping the boys off today, I told him that wouldn't be going to see mum as I was more concerned about twin, and had told him that yesterday, he then asked if it was ok to come over to see the boys, I said of course it was.
He turned up, spent little time with them, bantered with me, I was giving him stick about the fact that he had changed his Fb profile pic yesterday to photo of him with s7 at the footy, that has me in it. I said to him didn't you realise that I'm in the photo, he said he did, and I responded that is bound to go down well, to which he said 'I don't give a f*ck!'
so obviously he's had words with ow, I can't keep up.
Then ad he's leaving after lunch, which involved more banter etc, lots of touchy Feely stuff, gives me a kiss on the lips and says he might come back later (whatever! )
when the boys rang to say goodnight, I asked if he was coming back over, and got the usual response of 'I'll see how I'm going, I'm not promising anything'
in between all that I got angry because I was tired and over screaming kids and over doing it on my own, and told him so, I know bad move, and it's probably cost me bit not sorry I said it.
I'm not sure where he's at but I'm not going to be the one he turns to when he's had a fight with ow, he can come to me because he wants me.
Just got a text from h saying that ow is staying at his place tonight, but hell make sure everything is sorted by 8.20 tomorrow morning so that myself and the boys don't cross her path when I drop them off, I was fairly short with my reply and he responded back that it wasn't planned, to please believe him, I responded back with thanks for your honesty ( sarcasm) and have a good night (more sarcasm which I think he missed because he responded back with going to bed I'm pretty knackered....
so this just confirms to me I am a doormat.
tomorrow morning when I drop off the boys, I'm also dropping off the car seats and he can work out how to get them to daycare on Tuesday and Thursday.
I'm sticking with having them on Mondays and Wednesdays, as that's a commitment I made to them, but other than that, he can whistle Dixie.
I am nobody's plan b.
You really need to draw some boundaries for your own sanity, to protect yourself. I know how it feels to know your H is with OW but when mine was he never tried to be physical with me just "friends" and was cake eating with family time and living his life with her.
Be the door not the doormat!!
Come up with a set parenting plan (for days/times of drop off) so there is almost no communication needed about that. Can you have your mom or someone there when it's drop off/pick up time for a week or two? This will give you some help in the pma department and make detaching easier.
DO NOT contact him unless absolutely necessary!
Hi twinmom, thanks for dropping in, feels like I'm floating in here by myself sometimes.
I'm trying to have boundaries, I thought that I did, but clearly I am doing it wrong.
I think one of his 5LL is acts of service, so was trying to do things to make his life easier and not say no which is what I've done in the past, this has just made me seem like doormat I think.
We have four days on/off with the boys so it's constantly rotating, so this week h has them Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs and I get them back 8.30 Friday morning.
H only has work ute so I have been the one doing all the pick up/drop off. including going to his place on his days when the boys have daycare to pick them up and take them to daycare and then pick them up from daycare and dropping them back to h.
so that's why I thought I'd drop the car seats off to him today and he can use his bosses car or borrow a car (nor my problem what he does) he has to work it out.
Then I shouldn't need to see him until Wednesday when I have the boys and I take them to swimming lessons.
I am a physical person, it's part of what I do, tactile touch is a big part of my job, and I always touch people when I talk to them, but some of the hugs and the kisses on the forehead or lips for that matter are just plain weird, even I wouldn't do that with a close male friend, so yes cake eating, fence riding what ever I want to call it. and as much as it kills me, it has to stop.
him talking about ow to me is also inappropriate, and something that shouldn't be happening, on the flip side to that, him talking to me about anything remotely emotional is a 180 for him, so I don't know how to handle that.
things like she had a interlock in her car, so she has to blow in the breathalizer attached to her ignition and if she had any alcohol in her system, her car won't start (classy lady! ) which is why she would have stayed at h house last night (surmising)
I gave to remember not my circus, not my monkeys....
thanks for the advice twinmom, I'll try everything you suggested
I had a really long post to you and when I tried to submit my phone went funky and it didn't show up.... Will get back to you a little later when I am nursing Lilly again.
Thank you twinmom, that would be great
Sorry watto my life's been a bit meh, ok well a lot meh.
Catch the thread, too tired to even start a readers digest recap!
I go to mediation next week, bit stressed I guess.
But it's all cake eating to the max. Not seeing them is way easier then you don't have t confront the poo pile.
While your H is involved with OW, YOU do not meet his needs. When I say dint be a doormat be the door I mean show him that he needs to either walk through it or stay inside...........
He needs to know your not going to live in an open marriage. THAT is a boundary for your sanity and well-being. Whenever he brings up OW tell him "I am not going to live in an open marriage" and either walk away or hang up the phone. If it is a text delete it and don't respond.
You are nothing more than a co-parent right now, show him that. My H used to text non stop, I felt better when I would ignore everything all day and respond to the important things in one text or email at night.
hey gg, just posted on your thread, hoping your week is better than last week.
twinmom, you are absolutely right, he needs to make a choice, and im petrified he'll walk for good, though I guess hes already done that, i'm just hoping that he'll realise what he's missing.
i'm actually trying not to cry right now because I miss him, and even though I know this is all for my own sanity and the boys, it's realy hard.
got to get the pma's happening, this morning, I lost it again.
I think sometimes being near h just sends me loopy and I turn inot this crazed lunatic who makes no sense.
i'll just vent on here more!
I really need to read dr from the start again.
I think too, i'm seeing all you guys making great strides and I feel like im going backwards.
Nods yes, I know.
Simple coffee date, made me cry at bed time for hours and made me sleepless.
Now with all the truth revealed of him dating ow last year, I'm like your a ftard! Truly. A boy child with no moral standard or respect of your self.
rough couple of days, had a convo with h last night about his priorities as far as the kids go, that they need to come first, and finally he heard me, I asked what he had planned for fathers day next week, and he said he'd canceled his plans to go to the snow with ow so he can spend the day with the boys.
This made me happy because desperately want spend quality time with him. small step, llet's hope it continues.
my gal is getting better, detaching is not.
When I back off of have a melt down he advances, when all is good he disappears.
You need to back off and STAY that way even while he advances for a little while.
I know twinmom, it's been frustrating the past couple of days nor bring able to get on here, I've made some monumental back slides! I read your post this morning on your thread, I so get where you're coming from, I am exhausted beyond belief, I'm trying to organize going away by myself for a few days just give myself space from h and the whole sitch.
I did say no to an invitation to dinner with h and the boys the other night, absolutely killed me, I made up an excuse about meeting up with ffriends for dinner. I then came home and cried, but hey he didn't see me cry (well not that night anyway)
Hehe, just went to pick up s7 for karate and to take him out to dinner afterwards, H had a pasta bake, I said when did you make that, he said I didn't and let's leave it at that. I had to giggle because then he said I didn't ask her to make it. I made no comment, just laughed in my head, this woman is so threatened by me being around she's now cooking for him, go for it lady, knock yourself out! she's like a dog trying to mark her territory.
I was having a pretty crap time. Make up I hope arrives tomorrow.
Got me a free lippy, freaked a guy out and got mediation for settlement coming up next week. I think I have a tooth infection starting and guess who ate my stand by antibiotics last year for his tooth!
Oh gg, Yay for the make up arriving soon, I just signed up for bella beauty box, every month you get new beauty products delivered in a pretty box, I'm all for new girly stuff!
how ddid you freak a guy out? And mediation does not sound fun at all, does everyone who has property or children have to go through mediation when getting d? should I be planning for that?
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who stores extra antibiotics just in case, what a poo that your got used by someone else
I just had a lovely dinner with my s7, pretty spunky if I do say so myself, also know that he loves me no matter what
i have a friend coming over tonight to catch up as it's her birthday this weekend so we're going out tomorrow night, looking forward to it.
My thread explains it has a makeup title.
It's a bit confused as I was trying to put a logical explanation to a very twisted and sordid sitch.
Very strange night last night, went out for a friend's birthday, to which h was invited, it was at one of the local clubs.
I had spoken to h earlier when boys were saying goodnight, asked if he was going, he was non committal, I asked if he would be around for an hour while I waited for my other friends to get y here, he sounded hesitant, so I say no stress, I'll be ok, then he got frustrated and basically shouted call me!
so in then end I met h and another friend of ours at a pub, had a drink and headed over to the club.
The night itself was generally good, H was trying to be friendly and light, but I had trouble trying to read whether he was being a smart ar*e or just funny so at times I got snaky, and bit at him.
Our mutual friend kept on making references to ow, and that upset a bit, and then he made some comment about h and I getting d, and got really defensive, and sarcastic, I could see that h didn't like the comment either, he really seems to be in denial about any kind of d talk.
towards the end of the night, and h had many drinks under his belt, he said I really do love you, I didn't know what to say, so I don't think I said anything.
We got a taxi with two other guys to go home, H was first to get out, one of the other guys asked I was, and h said that's my wife, first time I've heard him say that in a long time, H asked if I wanted to get out at his place to gave something to eat, I said I had to get home so the babysitter could go. It killed me because all I wanted to do was get out at his place.
anyway I got home with our other friend who stayed for food and a drink, I texted h and said he should come over and bring more food, thinking there would be no way he'd turn up, he texted back saying give him half an hour, and he actually turned up, so long story not so short, the three of us had food another drink, friend went home, twins woke up, H and II got them back to bed, H said he was too tired and too drunk to go home, could he stay, I said of course, we went to bed, a little bit of hand holding, and both of us saging sorry for silly behavior over the night, some spooning, no overt s behavior, and we slept (except having g to get up to the boys every hour who decided it was play time!)
sooo, not quite sure where I'm at now, H is going to a ladies night with ow tonight, not quite sure why she wants him at a ladies night, but she asked to go with her (I'm thinking trophy boy?!)
not sure what I should do now in regards to contact or behavior, any thoughts out there?
I've spent a bit of time over the past few days reading people threads ,the advice given and how to apply to my own sitch, I have reared the advice given to me on my own threads, and it all has been amazing.
it's true, this is definitely a roller coaster ride, one minute I think I can do this, I can survive it all, h and I will come through this better than we ever were, and then the next I think this is hopeless, h is seeing someone else, he has chosen someone other than me to be with, why am I fighting?
so there is the million dollar question, why am I fighting this?
I am fighting for my family, I am fighting for our boys, so they have two parents in one home that love them and each other.
I am doing this because, when stripped back, I have love for my h and each day I choose to love him, some days its near on impossible, but I make that choice.
I am doing this because for the first time in my life, I don't want to give up when it gets too hard, and run away, because to me this, us, our family is worth it.
so that's the first part of my ramble, second part is noticing what works, I've noticed on a few threads, the theme is noticing what works, I think I have been so busy trying to do all the techniques listed in the books, that I haven't really focused on anything in particular.
so I sat down with pen and paper and had a look at what works and what doesn't.
vulnerability seems to be a trigger for h, not neediness, or clinginess(did that, major part I believe in why we got to this point in the first place)
I feel h needs to be needed, the proverbial knight in shining armour.
eg: last night at certain point I would be quiet, nothing wrong, just taking it all in, subdued, h would include me more in what was going on, rubs on the back, ask if I was ok, leg touches etc.
another eg: h has said this week that I can call him day or night if I ever need him or to help me, he'll do whatever he can to be there( of course me being me had to respond with "i'm sure ow will love me ringing at 11 at night asking for you to come and get me from somewhere")
so that leads into my next observation, h really doesn't 'get' my sense of humour sometimes, I can be dry to the point of sarcasm, and half the time lately he has been looking at me like I've physically wounded him, part of this joky/sarcastic attitude is inherited from my mother, partly as a major protection mechanism on my behalf, If I can get the dig in or the jibe before anyone else, then I win, I don't hurt as much anymore.
but h doesn't like it, I think he thinks it makes me look hard, and he knows that im essentially heart on my sleeve girl.
anger/mood swings/frustration do h's head in, and makes him react in kind(duh!) when I start up, he starts to try an explain, then my sarcastic anger kicks in and retreats, stops talking and distances himself(again duh-who wouldn't)
light/breezy is almost neutral with h, I think he thinks 'ok alls good right now, I can do what I like, and distance myself, spend time with the ow. however, to be honest, consistent light and breezy has been hard for me to do for a while now, so maybe this is a great chance for a consistent 180 for me.
h has almost started to fish for compliments from me, telling me he's lost weight, that he's tidied the house, organised whatever, wanting it seems positive reinforcement from me.
he seems to want to be friendly/more talkative, asking 'how are you'questions when I ring him for the boys to say goodnight, I was trying to db, and keep it as geared towards the boys as possible(and this is at the start of the call before he's spoken to the boys-we always have a brief chat at the end of the call)
but i'm beginning to feel rude because, even though i'm friendly enough, he sounds hurt that I hand the phone to the boys.
theres more i'm sure, but there the things that I think I need to now sit down and work through and come up with a concrete plan.
watch this space...
One of those days today, weather is Grey and so is my mood, I feel lost today, I just want my h at home and I don't know if that's ever going to happen.
It really is one step forward and twenty back, H and had great text interaction yesterday and he had to drop off something last night, and all was light and breezy, then today, I can feel the distance, it may be in my head, but it just feels really bloody hard sometimes.
Maybe your trying to force it?
I updated my thread, mediation tomorrow! Sigh.
Have had a couple of rough days, fatigue is kicking in.
The twins broke the lock on the cleaning products cupboard last night and decided to clean the toilet, one of the twins ended up with bleach burns on his bottom, after a cool bath and a phone call to the poisons hotline, I managed to get it under control.
H was coming to watch the boys while I went to the gym, and the twins were still awake and u left him to it while I pounded out my anger on some weights.
I got home, H left and I was left with a twin who just screamed in pain, I finally got him to sleep in my arms after about two hours.
H actually rang at that time to see how twin was doing and if I was ok, and if I needed anything, so I was honest and said I was exhausted and that I had needed him two hrs earlier, and yes I would like him to come over...surprisingly he did.
He came over, helped me put some more burn gel on twin while he slept and stayed and chatted for an a hour or so.
I've been busy with clients today, so was surprised when h rang this afternoon to see how I was doing, and if I wanted dinner with him and the boys tonight, I told him I have clients tonight but thank you for the offer.
He said he'd cook me dinner anyway and I can just pick it up when I'm finished working.
no expectations, but nice to see a small change
Ouch bleach ain't fun!
Maybe he's easing his guilty feelings. Just watch his actions.
Nothing you hear right?
No gg bleach is not fun at all! thankfully the blisters have come down today.
yes definitely watching actions, he seems to be making more of an effort, but just watching right now, and of ccourse he's still with the ow...
Yeah, mine too I suspect. He most certainly did not say not true.
So mediation was a dead flop! No out come. More round and round. If you can work out my ramble on my thread.
So 6 month of pressure finally got to me last night, H rang to ask if I knew anyone that could babysit the boys tomorrow night, I got angry, said that I'd just have them at home since they were due to come back to me the next morning, he said that's not what he's asking, and I lost my shizzle, started literally screaming at him about his priorities, the r with ow, how unfair it all was, then I said something about him and the boys and he fired right up, told me where to go, which led in d talk, which he said he thought there was no point in talking about it since we can't file until march next year.
I was crying and I'm not sorry for what said or did, and he said that he'd been waiting for it for the past 6 months and that I have every right to be angry.
He asked me to come over so we could talk more, so I did, he said that he had seen the changes in me in the past few months and that I seem to have my shoulders back, that things that would have had me in a tailspin a few months ago are now water off a duck's back.
He said that he was having trouble trying to juggle his r with ow, the boys, work and us.
I told him I could that he wwas trying his best.
I told him that's easy, I'm not part of the equation and to take me out, he said that's not he's saying.
I told him that in the very early days when we were together I never felt that I deserved him, that he was too good for me, he said that's the second time he's heard that this month, she had said the same thing, and he doesn't understand it.
This to me as far as the ow goes is a bit of a light bulb moment, she is insecure about get r with h, and the only way she seems to be able to keep him around is buying him things, paying for trips, etc.
After all that happened last night, I am surer than I have been in a while that I am in this for the long haul, and yes I may have done some damage but it was also very cathartic as h and I have not ever yelled at each other like that, and noting that 6 months ago we would never have apologised to each other, nor actually listened to each other.
He asked me if I wanted to stay and I said yes, then as we were lying in bed (little nit of spooning was very nice) I decided to go home as I really wanted to ml to him and I knew that was not going to happen, so I told h I was going home, he said sorry again, I came home.
had to drop off the boys clothes this morning, again h said sorry for being nasty last night, and I felt pretty good about what happened.
I had a meeting with the school councilor today as a follow up for s7, she said it's great he's using his worry box and that he's able start verbalizing that he's not ready for h and I to see other people (that he's not ready to see it) councilor recommended at least 6 months before introducing new people, H is doing what seems a back flip tonight, seemed unhappy with this, but like I said to him, it's your choice at the end of the day...
so that's where it lies right now, just going to keep being me, over the drama, just want peace
am I doing anything right at all?
Let him marinate, not eat cake. Thing will work out as they are ment to.
I have been in a negative space for a few days, and am watching h pull further away. Its been a rough weekend with the kids, and I have felt isolated and alone. I have let my inner petulant child out and punished h, six months ago I wouldn't have seen this, but today I can. my behaviour is directly linked to his spending more and more time with ow. and like a spoilt child, I am reacting, stamping my feet, acting childish about issues that could be resolved if I just STFU.
I am jealous, I am afraid and I am hurting. I am jealous that the ow is with my h, that he is showing her his best side, and I am left behind. I am afraid he will never come back, and that I am responsible for getting myself into this place. I am hurting because I never saw myself here, on my own with three boys in tow, I am hurting because I feel like I am in this all by myself, and I don't know how to make the feelings of hurt go away.
I read all these sitches on here, about how one day the WAS is ensconced in a with op, then quite literally, next day, say I want back in...im struggling to understand how that happens, I've read stories that are worse than mine, how do you cope with the ow? does it get more involved(the a) before it ends, if it ends?
I have so many questions my head is spinning, I am doing my best at pma(in public anyway) I am gal, I go to the gym, im going out to dinner with friends, and i'm still stuffing up, i'm still hurting, and i'm still occasionally falling apart in front of h.
I have to go to swimming lessons with the twins tomorrow, and one of ow bffs kid is on the same class, she has been giving me filthy looks for two weeks, I mentioned this to h as I got sick of feeling like i'd done something wrong, so h says something to ow, who then says something to her bff, who claims she didn't realise it was me, I now have to go swimming and deal with that, I feel uncomfortable and said so to h, and he see no problem with it.
I have signed up with a life coach, we have our first session on Friday, I am looking forward to some help, and am hoping they can help me in all aspect of my life.
I am not ready to give up on my m, but I a: really don't know what to do anymore, there are too many mixed signals from h and b: I don't know if I should keep going, as h really does seem to be spending more time with ow, and shutting me out more.
I start my day so positive, and seem to be ending up here more often, in a negative space.
Watto, have you thought about backing off more? Reading through your sitch it seems like you and H still have a lot of contact and that could be making it hard for you to detach. He has to really miss you, but he can't do that if you don't give him the opportunity. My .02 is limit most of your interactions to things about the kids. He needs to stop thinking you'll always be there waiting for him. It's certainly ok to be upset and cry over what is going on. It's painful stuff! Just don't let him see that right now.
You need to drop the ball! Don't be his plan B. Come here and journal your temper tantrums instead of doing it in front of H.
You need to pull away from him even more for your own sanity. Your PMA is suffering big time and THAT is what is causing him to distance himself.
Can you switch the swim lessons to another day/class that you won't see that person?
Thank you heart and twinmom, I know I really do need to take several steps back, and I am starting to iimplement that now.
went to swimming this morning and ow buff started talking to me and pretended not to know who I was, asking lots of questions about where I lived, about the boys father etc, I answered honestly and without embellishments.
When she 'realised' who my h was she acted completely surprised (she wouldn't have won any awards for her performance - terrible! ) she asked if I thought h and would reconcile, I said not that I know of and then she asked if h and ow were serious I replied with I have no idea, not my circus, not my monkey's!
I added no extra info, didn't act angry or upset, Yay me!!
upshot, I got to know that ow really is incredibly insecure about her place in h life, now I get to keep holding my head high, work on detaching from h and continue to learn pma and gal for myself.m
I had my first appointment with a life coach yesterday, it was fantastic! This guy is awesome, he does a personality assessment first, based on 9 personality types, and then we work on fine tuning the traits that don't work so well, we will work on all aspects of me and my life, and obviously the r with h.
and like everyone has said on here, at the moment I am not ready to r with h. He said a this particular moment I have to become miss Teflon 2014, that anything that h says or does is to just slide off, smile, agree (validate) and let him be with ow.
and yes it is dbing, and now I am beginning to understand the concepts, finally, I guess my biggest fear had been that's it's too late, that it's been too long since bd and then I realised it's only been 6 months, and if I want a lifetime with my h, this is nothing.
life coach is available 24 hrs which is great, and is setting small goals like 30 seconds of mindfulness, my mind is a little too busy right to even think about any longer lol!
and he'd like me up the amount of time I go to the gym, also agrees weight lifting is better for me as I have to truly focus on the weights, lifting correctly, etc whereas with something like running or walking I'd have too much time to think!
Sound good watto.
I went shopping! It's in the thread.
Quick question, how many out there in db land and a WAS, and in an a, had their was say/call the a an relationship angle that it was "serious" is this just the fog talking?
because h has said this but will still initiate family time (or try to) and is initiating texts with me etc...just curious....
Mine said she was his soul mate and by objecting I was standing in the way of his happiness journey!
He then promptly put up a fb status and took her to a family wedding that had my name on the invite!
Although she hasn't been seen in months he's not contacting he wanted to eat cake and I'm sure he thinks I've gone bye bye. So far he's worked nothing out or thru. His emails re settlement show he's cling on the ashes, he hasn't moved on or forward in any respect.
Watto...... my H planned on marrying OW, I saw texts (long story) about her son telling his friends that he was going to be his step dad and how happy that made H.....
Just remember my H didn't end things, OW did. And he pursued her for almost 2 months. He tells me now that who knows maybe he would have eventually ended things eventually.........
Db'ing worked for me AFTER the affair was over, in my sitch it didn't do anything to actually bring him out of the affair/fog
Thanks gg and twinmom, just wanted to hear others stories when it comes to ow, twinmom, if it's not too disrespectful to ask, how long where your h and ow having the a? so far for me, H has been with ow for at least 6 months, about the time we have been s. just seems to be going from strength to strength...
and its the little things that irk me, like him buying her flowers, him entering a Fb competition to win a trip to USA for two, her asking on Fb who are taking, him responding with pack your bags....
I know it's silly but it annoys me and it stings.
haven't had much contact with h over the past few days, doing my best to detach and pma, H was going to look after the boys the other night so I could go to dance class, I ended up canceling as I got slammed with a monster headache, H seemed concerned, thanked him for his concern, left it at that.
He then sent texts later that night, just silly conversation, and all I could think was if you're out for the night (he definitely wasn't with ow) why are you texting me, why not the ow?
sigh...
things are going really well with the life coach though, and I'm learning so much about myself
Mine said he had made his plan to leave lady October. So if it was her current ow then it's been 12 months. If it wasn't 9 months. Either either.
You might need to catch my thread. Things at turning but not with him.
Well my life has just taken a very bizarre turn, took the boys to swimming today, and the ow ' s bff was there, and I was quite happy just paying attention to the boys, buff started talking to me about h and ow, I told her I wasn't interested in discussing them at all, then she said if I thought there was any chance at all that h and I would reconcile that I should try, that ow doesn't want to be the one to break up a family (really?? didn't think about that over 6 months ago!!) bff said ow is 'distraught ' that when my s7 met her apparently s7 said mummy and daddy still over each other and he want us all to live together.
I reiterated that I had nothing to say, that it's their decision, and perhaps they should have thought about the kids earlier.
ow wants to talk to me, I don't know what to do with that, I certainly won't be contacting her, but what do I do if she contacts me?
bff also said there is no way ow would ever move in with h, she's too high maintenance and not into kids (kind of makes me feel sorry for her daughter)
my other dilemma is do I tell h about all of this or do I just stfu, unless he brings anything up, I highly doubt he knows ow wants to talk to me.
my god, this is a mess, just when I'm getting a handle on things.
Watto the woman is not your friend. She will pass bones back to her BFF!
I know you want to know, I would too, but it just hurts.
It will make things fresh for you. And stir things up. Let it go. Just treat her with the respect of the snake pit on radars of the Lost arch!
ummm so apparently the ow broke up with h this afternoon, said she doesn't want to be a home wrecker??? wtf game is being played here and in addition to that h said that he loves me but he doesn't want to get back together with me, shoot me now....
I suspect they set a trap for you, hoping you would run in and declare u dieing love. Thus making him run back to ow.
Just my guess, as some play such childish games!
There definitely a game being played, and no I didn't declare undying love, did say marriages have ebb and flow and that the last year of marriage was pretty horrendous, but the s had actually made me look at myself and for that I was thankful, I certainly wasn't going to tell him I wanted to get back together after they have just broken up, I think there is lot more to it on her part, I think the realization of just how young the kids are and how much work they are probably hit her and the fact the twins really are pocket rockets and require a lot of attention.
This lady bis seriously high maintenance, and her daughter is at an age where she needs her mum too, so I don't know, I think honestly the whole thing is bizarre.
Watto, to answer your question to me they were "together" for about one month before moving in together, lived together for 3 months and then he pursued her for 2 months. Then I went dark, took a VERY firm stand and he started making changes.
I suggest you back WAY WAY WAY off, if OW contacts you ignore her!
Let your H FEEL what being without you REALLY feels like, not having OW to comfort him.
Now it's the time to be calm, cool and make yourself unavailable
Thanks twinmom and gg, it's just all so twisted and yes I agree one hundred percent, only interactions will be about the kids.
do wah often say things like I'll always love you but there's no chance we're getting back together? that's the bit I don't get, that he says he's really enjoying being friends.
I'm so tired of all of this and truth be told I don't think the end has played out for them yet.
d
so yes definitely definitely, backing right off. I need the break!....