Feeling terribly hopeless about things. We have so much working against us now with OW in the office, my various f ups, no opportunities to see each other since the kids don't have any sports right now. I reread my prior posts and previously we connected a lot over the kids. But now, it seems like the kids are reasonably adjusted to our current sitch so we're not really even discussing them a whole lot at this point.
I opted to call H last evening since as I mentioned from rereading my prior posts it was clear some pursuit works with H. I called him to tell him about a big work development for me --- potential big opportunity. I kept it 100% about sharing my work news and did not ask at all about OW in the office and he did not volunteer anything. I got off the phone relatively quickly. He was warm and sweet so that was good. But I still sense he is really, really pulling back from me.
I will speak to DBing coach later today and see what she thinks.
I know I should pull back and not worry about the timeline but I feel a real sense of urgency because my stepson's wedding is coming right up in early October. I know H feels the need for us to be firmly on a path, on way or another, by then. I kind of feel the same, if by the wedding we have not decided to reconcile then it seems like it would be quite tough to recover from being excluded from things like family photos at this major event. I realize this also works against us because clearly we need time...and probably lots of it, especially with this latest development around OW in the office. But I'm not sure how to handle? Any thoughts?
Man, it seems suddenly we have so, so much going against us now. I just can't get over how dramatically things have turned for the worse. You think you have some measure of control over your life but in the end, you really don't. I mean obviously we can't control OW moving here and that is really, really working against us. I know I have done things to work against us too but with OW moving here layered on top, it's just a disaster.
But I'm not sure how to handle? Any thoughts?
Take that timeline, screw it up, throw it out the window and if it comes back, burn it. One thing I've learned is that there is no timeline. Sure, it would be fantastic if everything fell into place by a certain time but it doesn't work like that. My anniversary is next month and right now, it's a non-event. I still have confidence my situation will work out though. Working along a timeline is an attempt at control.
As I said in my previous post, you know that your husband responds well to a little pursuit. I don't think there's any harm doing that at this point as long as you do the following:
- keep it about you, him and the kids;
- apply NO pressure. He will come around in his own time and honestly, it may take longer than it did before because you've zeroed his trust account; and
- you focus on yourself away from your interactions with your husband (ie. GAL).
Also:
Man, it seems suddenly we have so, so much going against us now. I just can't get over how dramatically things have turned for the worse. You think you have some measure of control over your life but in the end, you really don't.
This may sound harsh but you were in control. Sure, you didn't control him, and you never will, but you controlled yourself and he responded positively. As things improved, you started to expect him to move toward you faster and when he didn't, you started to feel anxious. From this point, you started to try and control the situation and instead lost control of yourself and your emotions.
Please believe in yourself. Everyone here does. OW being in the picture makes things harder, not impossible. The key here is you mastering your emotions.
Harsh is good Barrybran. It's what I need to hear.
You're right, I don't believe in myself at all. I keep proving over and over that I can't control my emotions. It's certainly something I have struggled with all my life. At 40 years old I have a hard time imagining I can turn this ship around, especially in this situation that is the MOST emotionally intense of my life.
I think he's going to just file for divorce. I really do. Although I appreciate folks giving me the harsh reality of how I've contributed to this, I'm also very frightened of my emotions. I think I will be so devastated if he files and blame myself so much that I may really spiral into a very intense, dangerous place emotionally. Sometimes I think it's safer (emotionally) if I do NOT put so much blame on myself. This BB becomes a little dangerous for me in that way.
This may sound harsh but you were in control. Sure, you didn't control him, and you never will, but you controlled yourself and he responded positively. As things improved, you started to expect him to move toward you faster and when he didn't, you started to feel anxious. From this point, you started to try and control the situation and instead lost control of yourself and your emotions.
Please believe in yourself. Everyone here does. OW being in the picture makes things harder, not impossible. The key here is you mastering your emotions.
fwiw, mdu, this is precisely my take on this as well. You need to dig deep within yourself and stop the self-spiraling and negativity, as it is NOT going to help you here.
Starsky
MDU, you should not be here to blame yourself. You're here for third-party perspective on areas where you can work on yourself. Beating up on yourself is counter productive to DBing.
Please don't panic. It's only Tuesday!! You are borrowing trouble.
Thx Starsky & Maybell.
Anxious to get to IC appointment on Thursday. Not that it will be a magic bullet but hopefully a step in the right direction. Spoke to DBing coach today and she helped me achieve some clarity around goals and next steps over the next few weeks. Going to see my physician tomorrow too. I'm considering anti-depressants, have never taken anything like that before but feel like I may need some extra help in the near term, we'll see what she says.
Got a GAL plan tonight to go out with a friend (H will have kids), glad I have that to look forward to.
Going to see my physician tomorrow too. I'm considering anti-depressants, have never taken anything like that before but feel like I may need some extra help in the near term, we'll see what she says.
There is no shame in that, mdu. I myself had my doctor prescribe two of them for me -- one for any short-term crisis or "panic attack" type situations (which thankfully, I only had to ever use two or three times), and one daily one that was actually an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety one, that would help "even me out" over the long term.
I stayed on that last one a good full year after my wife and I got back together, even, as it really helped me piece, and then I eventually got off of it. Do what you have to do to get your focus and demeanor right.
Starsky
Thanks Starsky, it helps a lot that you shared that.
Thanks Starsky, it helps a lot that you shared that.
Oh, I got lots of 1st-person horror stories, mdu, lol. Did I tell you about the time I had to go for a full-panel STD test, since I knew my wife's affair had gone physical? Did I mention that my personal physician was a WOMAN at the time?
Yeah, THAT wasn't embarrassing.
Ugh, I went in for the STD tests immediately the day after I found out about the A. I had to see someone who was not my normal doctor because I was in such a crazied state I needed a Xanax prescription ASAP as well. The woman I saw said every wrong thing that a person possibly could to a LBS. The thought of her pitied looks still make me cringe. At least I got it over with quickly and I survived. And I did it, I imagine too many folks avoid the STD tests entirely. It is awful.
Agree. We's does what we's gotta do.
Been there, done that, too.
When I was PREGNANT.
Horribly humiliating.
That's when I started getting MAD about everything.
And sometimes a little anger over the unfairness of it all isn't all bad.
mdu, I really hope you'll do whatever it takes - as long as it isn't UNHEALTHY, of course - to get yourself through this terrible time.
I think ADs help in a lot of cases; sometimes the burden is just too heavy to carry. If kml is reading this thread, she may be able to better speak to this, but my sister (who's about to receive her doctorate in nursing) told me once to prepare to potentially go through a couple until I found the right one for me. Just wanted to throw that out there in the event you're on one for a couple weeks and aren't feeling right about it.
I didn't end up going on ADs. But my doctor prescribed something that would help my anxiety in a pinch. And I'm not afraid to say I used it. More than once.
It kept my H alive.
but my sister (who's about to receive her doctorate in nursing) told me once to prepare to potentially go through a couple until I found the right one for me. Just wanted to throw that out there in the event you're on one for a couple weeks and aren't feeling right about it.
Yes, and many (like the ones I took) take a couple of weeks before they even KICK IN, so best to try something SOON, too.
Yes. I think 2-3 weeks to kick in.
Yes, my doc & I spoke about it previously & she warned me could be 6 weeks before they kick in. That is exactly why I'm anxious to get going with something asap. I'm so thankful & appreciative to hear u strong people having to do the same. I was beating myself up over it, now I feel better about it & stronger in my resolve
H and I are currently texting about the kids. They really bond us. He is a good Dad. Has been a sucky H, but then again I've been a sucky Wife. But he's a good Dad. No denying that. It's why I married him. No matter what, I'm thankful for that.
Hon, rest assured that your history together - and your children together - is something OW doesn't have with your H and he instead shares with YOU.
It's a thread I held onto, too.
Keep holding steady, mdu. It ain't near over yet.
Just keep focusing on cleaning your side of the street.
Thx Train!
So another thing I'm learning is how important it is post here not just for feedback but for documentation and future reference. So here's the latest...
So today H emailed me about getting D's bike for bike day at preschool tomorrow. I decided to call him (this is a 180 I found effective when we first separated; pre A and during A I used to just text/email) and in a very upbeat way offered to get the bike for him and leave it in my car at work for him to retrieve since I was headed home for lunch anyway. He was warm during the convo. And I felt like I was conveying to him 'hey, I CAN be sane and table the OW crappola for a bit'.
So come about 5pm (when he was going to retrieve the bike from my car), I end up leaving work and going out with a friend (in her car since I had to leave mine for him to get into) and didn't bother to take my phone. So he texts to say he's on his way to my car, then texts to say 'thanks for leaving D's bike in your car'. Then texts to say S got written up for bad behavior at camp today. None of these I replied to bc I had gone out with my friend and didn't take my phone with me.
I finally reply about 2 and 1/2 hours after his last text. He immediately texts back to each of my texts and we're really bonding over the kids. I text him that S recently got into some issues with some neighbor kids (in addition to the issue today at camp) and that he can be too reactive and I've been working on helping him manage that. H replies 'He probably gets that from me'. I reply 'Actually, I was thinking he gets it from me.' We text a bit more about the kids. I end up telling him he's a good dad (I think words of affirmation is his LL). He tells me I'm a very good mom. I tell him we're lucky for having such good kids, all 4 of them (including his 2 older kids). He replies 'Indeed'. I end it on that.
I think it's all really positive and we are beginning reconnection just as we did before, over the thing that bonds us the most and distinguishes us from OW --- the kids. My challenge, as always, is to NOT read into it too much and just chill! I am ON HOLD until I meet with doc and the meds kick in!!! People, hold me to this!
Can someone come please move in and hold their hand over my mouth and restrain my fingers when I want to talk/text/email inappropriately (with is practically always)? I live in a very lovely location. Please & thank u. Love & thanks to you all, as always, for continuing to follow my story, guide and support me.
Yes, my doc & I spoke about it previously & she warned me could be 6 weeks before they kick in. That is exactly why I'm anxious to get going with something asap. I'm so thankful & appreciative to hear u strong people having to do the same. I was beating myself up over it, now I feel better about it & stronger in my resolve
Hey, #1 rule of DBing, right? DO WHAT WORKS.
P.S. I don't know about others but this situation has really shown me what amazing people I am blessed to have in my life, including all of you on this BB. Dang, I choose friends WELL. Yes, there have been a few who have pulled away and pressured me with 'You should just leave him', but most have stood by me no matter my choice. I just received an amazing text from one of my most outspoken friends (who clearly thinks I should leave H) saying that she stands by me no matter what. It's a tough sitch for her because H's A pushes a lot of button for her but she's willing to put her own feelings and issues aside for me. Now that is a good person in my book.
mdu,
Sounds GREAT! You do not need us there. You have it all in you. You just MUST realize that about yourself and DO WHAT IS GETTING RESULTS.
You know what I see about you? You shine when the cards seem stacked against you. When the pressure's on. OTOH, you flop around when things appear good and easy. What's up with that, girlfriend??
Think on that for a little. 'Cause you dreaded this week for a longgggg time .... but, baby, you're shinin'!!!
Keep it up!
Very interesting observation, Train.
Because I would have said the EXACT opposite about myself. I would say that when things get TOO tough, I fold.
But maybe not, maybe I'm actually tougher than I think. Maybe when it's really 'GAME ON!' my best shines through. And there's nothing that fires me up more than someone threatening to tear my family apart.
Hmmm...
Just my observation, but you freak with the threat instead of the REALITY.
I often say: "Anticipation is far more difficult than reality."
You really do shine, mdu, when the pressure is on. I think you get anxious in the *anticipation* of the pressure.
But no matter what, I am LOVING seeing that strong mdu back at the forefront.
Stay HER! That's the REAL mdu!
Very interesting observation, Train.
Because I would have said the EXACT opposite about myself. I would say that when things get TOO tough, I fold.
But maybe not, maybe I'm actually tougher than I think. Maybe when it's really 'GAME ON!' my best shines through. And there's nothing that fires me up more than someone threatening to tear my family apart.
Hmmm...
MAMABEAR!!!!
Thanks Train. This is potentially a very powerful observation, something for me to really think about. The board and especially *I* am lucky to have you here.
Awwww shucks. Thank you.
I'm here 'til you don't want/need me anymore.
You are inspiring ME right now, mama.
Love that fire in you!
Saw H this morning briefly. Had to get something of S’s from him, S was there so we couldn’t really talk or anything but it was good to see him in person. As I’ve mentioned before, H is not very expressive in words but his demeanor is always very telling. His demeanor seemed reasonably warm, he gave several big smiles. I was very upbeat and cheery, sure to show him that I’m not letting the latest OW drama consume me and can manage my emotions. He mentioned that he got some mail from the gas company, apparently saying they would not be auto-delivering anymore. He offered to call them to ask them why (presumably because we don’t need to be refilled frequently enough).
Anyway, I thought it was an interesting exchange. He didn’t seem to be giving off signals that he’s planning some deep involvement with OW now that she’s closer. If he were, I would expect a lot of coldness and certainly wouldn’t expect him to offer to call the gas company. Of course, I have no idea if he has actually seen and/or interacted with OW yet and I have learned that I should always be prepared to expect the unexpected in this sitch. OW was supposedly coming this week but who knows what day. Of course I am very curious if his demeanor towards me suddenly starts changing once he sees her. I wish I knew what was going on, I feel so in the dark! Ugh! I also really, really wish that he and I were spending some time together. I feel confident that we would reconnect if we could just hang out like we had been but while I think some pursuit is good with him asking him to do something would be too much at this point.
Had a good conversation with my DBing coach around setting goals. I determined my goal right now is reconnection with H. She said to look at all my actions/reactions through the lens of that goal. She said that does not mean that I can’t get back to my boundaries but since I keep freaking out on him it would be wise to get back to reconnecting for a time first. Which pretty much lined up with what we all discussed here --- ignore OW, chill and be happy/positive around H. What I most wish is that he would get to a point of feeling safe enough that he could just be honest with me about what’s currently going on with OW. I know that this is a really tough one given my poor reactions to date but if we could get THERE, I think that would be huge and really the ultimate in terms of reconnecting. Honestly, and maybe I’m crazy to think this, but I’ve often thought that if he and I could find a way to be totally open and honest with each other I think I could possibly deal with him being in the office with OW. Maybe I am kidding myself but I can’t help but think that sharing whatever feelings he may be having would likely go a long way to killing them. The key is, can I handle it? My second goal is to work on figuring out how to calm my emotions. Hopefully meeting with my doc and IC this week will start helping me figure that piece out as well.
Thanks for your support this morning, MDU, and for sharing your DBing goals. Those sound like good ones for me as well. The trick is to try not to eat the elephant
Weeks like this one really go far in showing me how much more work I have to do. I'm behind you!!!
Saw my physician and got a script for Lexapro.
IC appointment tomorrow.
Feeling good that I am taking care of myself.
I feel a bit like my heart is hardening toward H. I've felt this way on occasion before so writing it down because I'm curious to see if the feeling is fleeting or sticks this time.
The whole sitch with OW moving and coming to his office just seems so over the top to me. Like he expects me to just accept/trust cause he says I should. Umm, yea, ok.
Not to mention I keep thinking (and I know this is judgmental and probably the 'bad' mdu shining through) but this woman is such a freak. I mean if he has truly told her that it's done (and, of course, maybe he didn't. But I have a hard time imagining he would have spent all this time with me if he hadn't said *something* to her. I know from when he was actively engaged in the A he does NOT do two well), but if he said that what the heck is she doing here?? Is she that selfish that she really doesn't care what kind of strain this puts on H, even though she supposedly 'loved' him. Maybe she is being vengeful? At the very least it seems she has ZERO remorse for getting involved with a married man. I dunno, no matter how I spin it this move does not make her look good, IMO. And if that's what H is really interested in...then maybe it's best I let him go.
Look at your last sentence, mdu. Mind reading is bad enough, and now you're talking about basing something as potentially life- and family-changing as a DIVORCE on it???
Check out what MWD says about "forgiveness" in the resources or articles section of this site. Truly inspiring. Helped me a lot back in the day.
I'm not running to the court house to file right this minute, Starsky. I won't make any decisions until I have more information than just mind reading. Just in a bad place with things.
Why don't you use this time that you're in a bad place as a respite from worrying about him, the marriage, the future, and focus on creating your own life for your own enjoyment? Not everything has to hinge on him, right? Take some time to examine what makes you happy to be you.
Agreed, Maybell. That's exactly what I just discussed with my new IC. I really want to forget about him and the A for a while and just focus on me.
Just had a very depressing conversation with H. Had to talk about some kid logistics stuff and it's just so clear that it's back to all about the kids again. I'm not fighting it, just going with it. Just so heartbreaking how only 2 weeks ago we were in a dramatically different place. I guess I had hoped he would reach out one day this week and speak to me about things with OW in the office or his supposed IC appointment or *something* to signal that he's still interested in trying to work it out. It's just amazing what a dramatic negative turn things have taken. I really, really need to just let it go.
I guess I had hoped he would reach out one day this week and speak to me about things with OW in the office or his supposed IC appointment or *something* to signal that he's still interested in trying to work it out.
I think he is giving you a definite signal. Do you think that maybe you aren't getting what his silence is saying? Are you hoping I say to you "don't mind read?"
I have been where your husband is.
I felt suffocated beyond belief and yet hoped she would get the message and leave me alone. I felt like if I was too nice even though I didn't want to get back into a relationship, that she would take that and make something out of it. My guard was up even when she kept the conversation light and easy. I'm sure she thought that I didn't think she was pressuring me with light breezy calls.. She was WRONG.. That is exactly what I was thinking..
Remember, these are only the feelings he would have when he feels suffocated. Once he gets some air and can breathe again, the suffocated feelings go away.
Now, he wouldn't want to be suffocated again, so he will shy away from any possible reminder that it could or may be happening again.
You HAVE to take the pressure off. Take the pillow off his face.
How? How do you think you can take that pressure he feels off?
He isn't going to come right out and tell you that he feels suffocated UNLESS you force his hand. He is secretly hoping you "get the message." because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You seem on the verge of forcing his hand. I can tell you the answer if you do that.
What he is not aware of is that once the pressure of feeling suffocated is gone, that his feelings may very well start to change. The problem here is that he or we won't know if they are going to change until the pressure is completely off.
I have noticed that you have either stopped to see him or called him every day this week. I realize you think that not saying anything and just talking about the kids or whatever is not putting pressure on him, but your posts of when you talk or text or have contact with him leads me to believe that he is just cringing that you are one moment from starting up again. I have even wondered if you are finding some excuse to contact him every day and think that you are disguising it as "something with the kids"..
So, if I wonder that and I don't even know you, don't you think he also senses the very same thing? It is still pressure to HIM even if you think it isn't.
Just my opinion....
Thx for your perspective JCred.
I've mentioned a bunch of times that pursuit has been a tough topic for me here bc *some* pursuit worked in the past with H. Maybe not this time, though. Maybe he's further gone now.
I have no need to get in touch with him over the next several days except Saturday when we will need to arrange a kid exchange. I'll be sure to keep a distance.
I have definitely significantly slipped in my focus on myself & self care. I need to force myself back on that horse, I'm obsessing over H and I'm sure it's showing. I keep mentally telling myself I need to GAL and I think 'ugh, I don't feel like it'. So here's my GAL list for tonight/tomorrow:
*make zucchini bread
*play a game with the kids
*read with the kids
*play chess
*get up early and run
*fill out and mail my passport renewal
*get on top of work list!
*get gas for the grill - BBQ with my bro & his family tomorrow night
More GAL:
*just signed up to volunteer next Tuesday when H has kids. Will have to make dinner plans or something for Wednesday night when he will also have them
*call local MBA program to ask about auditing a course (need to do this tomorrow!)
Something just dawned on me...sometimes I think I wallow in my misery thinking that somehow that will punish or prove something to H. I know that sounds crazy but I'm just putting it out there because the thought just crossed my mind and I think it's an important one. It's like if I go off and be happy, despite what's gone on (and maybe still going on with him/OW), it will make it seem like I'm letting him get away with something. Meanwhile, all I'm really doing is making myself miserable when I could be working on making myself happy.
GREAT observation, mdu!!!
mdu... yep.... its like we *think* we need to wallow in misery, to prove that we *love/d*
Lets be happy!
You know what I'm realizing? I have a butt load of these sort of thoughts in my head that keep me from detaching and backing
away from H. Such as:
'I know he is going to regret it if he pursues D. I have to make sure he knows he is making a mistake. Essentially --- I have to SAVE him.'
'If I let him go too far or too long, he won't come back'
'I have to keep reminding him of me/us'
'I have to keep reminding him of our family'
I'm sure there's more...I'll post as I think of them. All so counterproductive!
'I know he is going to regret it if he pursues D. I have to make sure he knows he is making a mistake. Essentially --- I have to SAVE him.'
'If I let him go too far or too long, he won't come back'
'I have to keep reminding him of me/us'
'I have to keep reminding him of our family'
It's 'nice' to see that I'm not the only one that feels that way. Because of my W's family life, I've always felt like the 'saver' in our R. I find myself often thinking 'if I could only stop her from making this big mistake...'
To be honest MDU, I'm actually envious of your current situation. You at least have been given a 'chance' of trying to reconcile, no matter how difficult it may seem to you right now. That's all some of us on here are looking for- a chance. Keep your eyes on the present and try to not look too far ahead. I'm rooting for you!
mdu,
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
You're identifying FEAR.
No need for that.
Identify it. And get rid of it!
Fear will hold you back. And it will actually *stand in your way*, even though our controlling-selves try to convince us otherwise.
You can't control him. And TRYING to only smothers him.
He was drawn back to the mdu who let go of control and took charge of *her own* life.
THIS kind of thinking on your part, mdu, is the GOOD, healthy kind of thinking. You're cleaning up your side of the street.
So carry on ...
Oh yes, the wallowing thing. Don't I so have a degree in that!
Now days its full war paint (make up hair etc) and several mantras.
" tits up out and upwards, walk on with dignity"
"Make sure all they see is your a$$ walking away from them fast! "
But I'm sad to say my h still appears to be rearranging his deck chairs on the titanic while watering his flowers!
stuff.
You know what I'm realizing? I have a butt load of these sort of thoughts in my head that keep me from detaching and backing
away from H. Such as:
'I know he is going to regret it if he pursues D. I have to make sure he knows he is making a mistake. Essentially --- I have to SAVE him.'
'If I let him go too far or too long, he won't come back'
'I have to keep reminding him of me/us'
'I have to keep reminding him of our family'
I'm sure there's more...I'll post as I think of them. All so counterproductive!
Speaking of fear....I'm definitely afraid of losing H, very afraid. And no doubt, he knows it. I really need to get past that. I just really, really do not want to be alone. I really haven't been alone for any significant portion of my adult life. While I don't at all mind spending time by myself (and rather enjoy it), I hate the thought of not having that someone who is always there, to share the joys and the challenges with, to lean on, to help you with stuff, to share the burdens of every day life. I literally dread the thought of a life alone. I know it keeps me from letting H go, from really standing up to him firmly. But I don't know what to do about it. I'm stuck.
Now THAT is what I think Wonka might call "stinkin' thinkin'."
We don't have room for that.
You WILL NOT be alone in this life. Never. Period.
Do not fear that.
I echo Train's thoughts about the stinkin' thinkin'. Think positively and look after yourself.
Thanks everyone. I do get that it's stinkin thinkin. Unfortunately I seem to be in a horrible place that I'm struggling to get out of. I'm really glad I went to the doc and got an anti-depressant, although not sure how I'm going to survive the weeks until it kicks in.
I know I was able to reattract H previously but somehow this time feels very different. I just feel completely hopeless with OW at his workplace now. It just seems an impossible situation to me. H would have to really, REALLY want back in the M for us to have even a remote chance and the fact is he's been waffling since day 1. And I just keep thinking of all the lies H has told, I'm sure there's a butt load more. I feel like there's a culture of deceit in our M that would now be near impossible to overcome.
Anyway, just being honest with where I'm at. I do realize it's not helpful. Struggling to pull myself out of it. Fortunately my brother and his family are coming to visit this weekend so I won't be sitting home alone and depressed.
mdu, are you a woman of faith? It really helped me in my sitch, at my darkest moments, to realize that NOTHING is impossible with the Big Guy upstairs. That whole "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding" thing.
It's the "my own understanding" that would look either really really good, or really really doomed from day to day and even moment to moment. I tried not to walk by those circumstances, but rather by my faith.
Not sure if that might help you. I found great comfort in the Psalms (for comfort) and maybe one of the Proverbs (for wisdom) each morning.
Starsky
Starsky, any chance you could look at my sitch? I'm in a dark moment and as much as I do lean on my faith I'm feeling very shaky lately.
Thanks, and sorry for the hijack mdu.
Unfortunately I am not Starsky. But I have been wondering if now may be the time to revisit that.
Right now I'm leaning most on the fact that my brother is coming tonight. He and his wife are funny and fun and have been a huge source of support throughout this. I know I can make it through the next few days with them here. Then I have lots of GAL plans next week, volunteering, night out with a friend and camping next weekend with the kids and another friend. GAL definitely helps get me through.
Hopefully all of that will help get me closer to the time when the anti-depressants kick in.
No worries Maybell, hugs to you.
Unfortunately I am not Starsky. But I have been wondering if now may be the time to revisit that.
Only you can tell when the time is right, mdu. But please don't feel like you have to "clean up your life" and then turn to God if you do, cuz that's backwards. Sort of like "I need to lose some weight before I go to that AA meeting," lol. God likes us broken and heartfelt, and then He will HELP us clean up and strengthen up.
End of (my only) sermon.
Starsky
Thanks again Starsky.
So interestingly, H sent me an innocuous text about a breakfast place he loves. I replied and we had some light text chit chat. I asked a question about work --- but not OW. It's really crazy how our sitch has unfolded. OW moved to his office literally the EXACT same week that H started a much bigger role at the company (because of someone leaving, someone who he used to butt heads with all the time so this is a HUGE opportunity for him, he's basically taking over a whole department). I don't think there's any correlation between the OW moving and H's role change/expansion as his change came up pretty suddenly. Anyway, I asked him how his first week in the new role is going and he said really crazy but he's muddling through.
So now I'm a bit doubtful that there's any relationship between H reaching out and me going dim/GAL, etc. I've been an utter mess and here he is trying to reach out to me again.
Feeling even more glad that family is coming to distract me from everything this weekend.
MDU,
I'm baaaack! Watch out!
It is heartening to see that you've moved into the supportive wife role in regard to H's new role in the company. Good job!
Your light text chit chat is good because it leaves a positive feeling in H's mind. Keep it up! I think going dark this week has been very good (although you could argue that it hasn't been good for your PMA) because, in H's mind, you are showing him respect by giving him space to get used to the new role and adjusting to the notion that the OW is in the office.
Know what? My gut instinct is screaming that H is paying NO heed to the OW at the office and is keeping himself really busy with his new responsibilities. Watch me...I'll be proven right in due course.
Glad to hear that you'll be spending time with your brother this weekend...a nice distraction from your own naval gazing activities.
Wonka!!!!!!!!!!
I've missed you! My PMA just took a little jump! :-)
I think it's plausible that H might be totally focused on his new responsibilities, keeping heads down away from OW. Of course, there are many, many other (less fortunate) possibilities. (I know, I need to work on that pessimism). I also think he's probably crapping himself wondering when I'm going to ask about it. Actually, more like he's probably steeling himself wondering when I'm going to go off about HER..
Know what? My gut instinct is screaming that H is paying NO heed to the OW at the office and is keeping himself really busy with his new responsibilities. Watch me...I'll be proven right in due course.
I'm laying $20 down and taking Wonka.
Ok, so I believe my job, more than ever, is to be patient, STFU and GAL. Give him some time/space to sort this sitch with OW in the office out. Show him that I can keep my cool, not hound him and just live my life. Also, gives me some time for the meds to kick in and get a few IC appts in so if and when we do discuss things again, I'm in a stronger place ;-)
Yes? Do we all agree?
I always like a good plan.
As you know, I've been the one here with the most hard-line, "affair-busting" "any-contact-is-very-high-risk" stance in the past, but I've come around to the conclusion that it's far more important for you to get your emotions under control. Throw in the "meds" angle and I think this is a very wise plan.
Plus, men are horn-dogs, yes, but we're also VERY career-focused especially when you factor in the inherent competitiveness that comes with a new promotion. I suspect that he's FAR more focused on his new job responsibilities than he is on HER right now.
Starsky
"Plus, men are horn-dogs, yes, but we're also VERY career-focused especially when you factor in the inherent competitiveness that comes with a new promotion. I suspect that he's FAR more focused on his new job responsibilities than he is on HER right now."
Thanks for this observation Starsky, it further motivates me to step back. I know how important this new role is to him, he’s very anxious to prove himself as he’s had some challenges there the last couple of years (which partially contributed to our M problems). I have no idea if OW has this insight about his current career path and the level of pressure he is likely under but if she still has her sights on him and makes the mistake of trying to pressure him right now I imagine it could backfire for her very badly (let’s hope she does!). This is really the perfect opportunity for me to step back and just be supportive --- a good 180.
Completely AGREE on the "it could backfire on her" thing!
MDU,
Let's concoct a plan for H! Now is a good time to do so. I recall a wonderful moment when an XGF sent me a tin can of gourmet popcorn (three flavors) along with a note wishing me well prior to sitting for my MBA entrance exam.
Now would be a good time for you to do something like this for H. You could say something along the lines of:
H, congrats on your promotion. I believe in you! You got this and I am so proud of you! Love, MDU
You don't want to order a 3-gallon tin where H will share it with other co-workers. Go small so H can have it all to himself. After all, this is all about him. You're showing support for H in his career and I think this is a wonderful way to show it without being all mushy.
I'm thinking of making him a little loaf of zucchini bread. We have always done a garden together ever year and loved it. I went ahead and did one alone this year and picked my 1st zucchini the other day. He happened to be there dropping off the kids, we laughed because it was a really odd shaped one. Anyway, he loves my zucchini bread.
That's perfect! Go ahead and make one for H along with a note.
And use Wonka's note, word-for-word. The p-word is especially important -- "PROUD."
Us guys are big on words of affirmation!
Awwwww. I'm feeling so good about this plan! I would have been posting more today, mdu, but all I'd be saying is:
"Yes, mdu! You sound SOLID! Awesome!"
"I agree with Starsky."
... and ...
"I agree with Wonka."
(Great to have you back, Wonka!)
Operation zucchini bread is underway. Bread made, card written, put it all in a cute little bag with a spritz of my perfume for maximum effect. I'm nervous to give it to him but am muscling through and going with all you wise DBers. It's a good time, feeling good with the support of my brother and sister in law here.
Operation Zucchini Bread! Lol! I LOVE it!
Hide those nerves, sister. March steadily and strongly ahead with that zucchini bread!
Such a thoughtful gesture ... and how PERFECT because it will remind him of y'all's garden, which is a good, positive memory.
And the perfume? Ooolala! You sneaky, flirty little thing, you!
Keep us posted!
Hey MDU,
We're rooting for you on the success of Operation Z Bread!
Mission Accomplished
Operation Z bread may have been a fail
I gave H the package & he guessed that the bread was in it. He seemed genuinely happy & appreciative. The bag was sealed so he did not immediately see the card. But now it's 5 hours since he left & still has not contacted me to thank me for the card. I suppose it's possible he still has not opened the pavkage, already knowing what's in it. But I suspect if I don't hear from him tomorrow about it that means the card was too much :-(
No way! It was perfect, mdu.
I bet you're right: betcha he hasn't opened it since he guessed it was zucchini bread.
All things will happen in their own perfect timing ...
Stay positive!!
Thanks train. So glad I tried this with my brother & sister in law here. They really help keep my PMA up regardless
See? Perfect timing there, too!
PS If you have no expectations, you'll have no disappointment!
You're doing great, mdu.
True, I did a kind thing and I can feel good about that, regardless of how it ends up received.
Still no response on the card. Typical of him to avoid if something is tough so I assume his reaction was not good. Continues to amaze me how far we've slipped backwards with OW arrival. Wow. My brother & family leave this afternoon, going to be tough
Don't mind read. He may have had a positive response but felt he'd said enough when he thanked you in person.
Would he typically have thanked you for a card pre-A?
Hmm...so he just texted: "Thanks for the break. It is yummy. I am not sharing!"
Nothing about the card, which is a bit odd. I gave him hand written cards recently for Fathers day and his b-day he was very appreciative. The Father's day one he said 'brought tears to his eyes.' I suppose it's possible that he accidentally threw out the package with the card in it...I contemplated asking him about it just in case but don't think I should. If he purposely is not bringing it up I certainly don't want to pressure him.
Hmm...so he just texted: "Thanks for the break. It is yummy. I am not sharing!"
Nothing about the card, which is a bit odd. I gave him hand written cards recently for Fathers day and his b-day he was very appreciative. The Father's day one he said 'brought tears to his eyes.' I suppose it's possible that he accidentally threw out the package with the card in it...I contemplated asking him about it just in case but don't think I should. If he purposely is not bringing it up I certainly don't want to pressure him.
Jeezus, mdu, GIVE THE MAN A BREAK ALREADY!!! If I were your husband right now, I would feel "there is no pleasing her!"
Stop it. This is a self-destructive, cheese less tunnel.
MDU,
There you go again with that stupid, silly stinkin' thinkin'!! You've got to find a way to stop this for it is causing you to spin.
And I've noticed that you've set the bar quite high for H and you end up disappointed when H doesn't do certain things such as acknowledging the card. Hey...be real gentle with H. He's doing great and is warm toward YOU.
I think Operation Z Bread was a success!
It's a notch on your DBing efforts!
Remember....baby steps?!
P.S. I hope you did respond to H's text such as
"Glad you enjoyed it! Hey...don't blame ya for wanting it all to yourself! LOL"
Found this great gem from Sandi today over in Meghan's thread (bold is mine for emphasis to you, MDU):
I found it helped to make references back to when we were dating. I could draw from those feelings and share with him I liked this or that about him, or talk about a funny time between us. It helped me to break my own ice, I guess. I always felt so fake when trying to express admiration. But he needed it, so I had to work at consciously looking for something good to say. At least, thank him for doing things for me and the family.
Appreciation and admiration are said to be the top needs for men (not counting sex). And when they suffer from a lack of it from the W, another woman can bat her eyes and butter him up for the A. Let's face it, as females we usually know how to make a man feel like we see him being god's gift to the world........when we are trying to catch him. We build his ego and he thinks we are great! Some of us may not find the words so easily, but he can see it in how we look at him. The eyes tell the story.
Sadly, after marriage, many women stop doing what they did in order to get him. But I believe if women will become more like the girl he fell in love with, he will respond positively. May take time, though........and consistency.
Hijack...
Starsky, could you please come around to Tarheel's thread over in Newcomers and join my tag team along with others (Train, Bond, Sandi) as I sense he is standing on the precipice in regard to making a firm decision?
Thx Wonka & Starsky. Can't tell you enough how much I appreciate this feedback. Obviously I really need it. My thoughts seem completely rational and justified to me, I think it's vital that I continue to have you all set me straight otherwise I will completely blow this.
P.S. I did respond kindly and said 'Next time I'll have to give you 2 loaves so you can give one to your Dad & Step-Mom. Just picked 2 more zucchini from the garden'
Feeling so badly. Really struggling to get out of this horrible rut. I still can't believe how much things have turned with H and I. He used to text 'good morning' to me nearly every morning, not anymore. He used to send me pictures of the kids when he had them, not anymore. We were obviously talking and spending time together, not anymore.
He is pleasant the few occasions I have seen and spoken to him but obviously things have changed. It is so heartbreaking. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, my house is a wreck, I don't want to go to work. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for the next bomb to drop. I know I need to just go on with my life and let it be but I am really struggling to stop thinking about him and what's happening.
The only way out is through.
I know I started feeling better after huge dips in my mental well-being. They were like developmental steps necessary to get to my next level of detachment. But I spent months reminding myself that one way or another it would eventually end, and no matter how it ended I would be fine. I had to learn to let go of the outcome and see myself as sufficient. It has not been a linear process.
Get up, Mama. You can do this. You are a strong attractive woman and you can do it. You've got a big cheering section behind you and you can do it. Hugs to you!!
Maybe try to act as if when things worked before?
As if ow is not a threat, as if she's still at distance, Etc?
That's pretty much what I'm doing Ggrass. Things have just changed. It's depressing.
MDU,
Oh come on! Your H liked your Z bread. Build up on that. Why not start sending H good morning greetings...you don't have to wait for him to initiate.
Re-attract H...remember that part?
At some point later this week, if possible, I'd pick up H at his work and take him out for 1-hour lunch. Just a fun, breezy gathering. Can you do this?
Not sure Wonka. Since I clearly put out there that the current sitch with OW in his office is not really acceptable and his responses for how to deal with it were weak I feel like we're at a stalemate. The times we need to briefly see/speak to each other it's like the elephant in the room, conversation does not flow as easily and things aren't as relaxed as they were before. I try to keep it light but he's more standoffish than previously. I'm at a bit of a loss how to proceed.
Here's my latest thought. I'm thinking of sending H a letter, although my letters tend to go over like a lead balloon here so I thought I better post and get some feedback on this first!
H, I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you often and hoping you are doing ok with everything. I imagine you have a lot of pressure with new challenges to our situation as well as your expanded role at work. Right now I am just trying to give us both a bit of time and space to process everything but know that I am still here to support you if you ever want to talk. I know I haven’t always been the best listener but I’ve been doing a lot of work to improve that and become stronger in my ability to manage my reactions and be a supportive partner. I am here for you if you need it. Love, MDU
I wouldn't. You already have been down that tunnel and know what kind of cheese is there. Just DO what the letter says. It will take longer but will be clearer and more believable. Remember what MWD says about the medium is the message.
I KNOW how hard it is to be patient. But sometimes inaction is action.
Sending you strength and patience...
Thx, Maybell! I thought so.
I like what wonky says, just send him a morning text, like always. It lets him know your trusting and wanting to work on things.
Note to self: dance party with the kiddos = instant pick me up
H, I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you often and hoping you are doing ok with everything. I imagine you have a lot of pressure with new challenges to our situation as well as your expanded role at work. Right now I am just trying to give us both a bit of time and space to process everything but know that I am still here to support you if you ever want to talk. I know I haven’t always been the best listener but I’ve been doing a lot of work to improve that and become stronger in my ability to manage my reactions and be a supportive partner. I am here for you if you need it. Love, MDU
Words=no
Actions=yes!
I winced a bit reading that because you are reaching at straws to explain the new MDU. That will come across as pressure to the WAS.
Keep going with what you'be been doing lately.
I hope you will give the "good morning" text some more thought.
I did the good morning text and got a decent response. Then I tried inviting him to lunch as you suggested and he declined, said he had a meeting. Didn't suggest another day or anything. This is not like him. Things are definitely going downhill. I'd say I need to completely back off at this point, although that's super tough for me since some pursuit used to work. I continue to be stunned by how far backwards we have gone. I'm getting suspicious that something with OW has started up again.
MDU,
^^ That is mindreading on your part. You got a decent response to the good morning greeting...that is a positive. As for the lunch, there may have been a conflict in H's schedule. I don't think it had anything to do with the OW.
Remember he just got a promotion and is probably trying to get acclimated to his new responsibilities.
Yeah...just turn the focus back on you and GAL activities for the time being.
I don't know Wonka. There's a definite shift in him since it came out that OW is in his office. My gut is screaming that something is off.
Regardless, I think we both agree that GAL is the way to go. Fortunately I have lots of plans this week and weekend.
P.S. I’m honestly getting kind of fed up with him. Since he announced that OW is in his office he has done little to show me that he’s still interested in reconciling. He was supposed to go to an IC but no clue if he actually has. We haven’t hung out in 2 and ½ weeks. He’s stopped initiating contact like he used to. Yes, he’s got a lot going on but I know him and when he really cares about something he will go out of his way to make it a priority. I feel like I keep signaling to him that the reconciliation is still on the table for me but his actions keep demonstrating otherwise for him. I feel like I should assume that he is involved with OW in some capacity again and behave accordingly --- kid focused contact only. If I discover for sure that he is involved with her again I feel like I have to file for D, I had told him previously that’s a deal breaker.
I agree: take a breather and GAL. Glad to know you have a full plate ahead.
I can also sense a shift in YOU, mdu. I think you're at the place where you CAN step back a little and detach. In fact, it seems you're already doing that. You've come a long way.
Remain warm when you see him ... but act a little mysterious, too. Keep conversations short. You end them first. Dress nice, wear the perfume he likes. You know the drill. Make him wonder what YOU are up to ... all while remaining warm and neighborly with him.
If I discover for sure that he is involved with her again
Are you planning to try to find out?
"If I discover for sure that he is involved with her again
Are you planning to try to find out?"
I might at some point but right now, not sure if I'm emotionally strong enough just yet. I should wait at least another week for the ADs to kick in. Plus I'm not even sure how I would? the only thing I can think is to follow/stalk him. Yuck!!!