Hello this is my first post here so Ill do my best. 3 years ago I had an affair with an old fling. He contacted me on Facebook and I am sure you can figure out the rest. It lasted 3 months and I broke I off. My DH had his suspicions but did not act on them initially. I had lost some weight and I was feeling more confident and he just took the change in behavior for that.
A few months went by and is suspicions got the best of him. He logged into my email account and saw some conversations we had. So he confronted me. At first I denied it because I could see he was in pain, but he was in so much pain I just told him the truth.
Then the Roller-coaster began. The next few months were very difficult. He yelled, screamed and wanted to know every detail. I told him everything. The problem here was he did not believe me. He kept saying "If you loved me you would not have done this" and "I could have prevented this I knew something was not right" You get the picture. Now thought all of this I NEVER blamed him, I took full accountability and responsibility. I love him very much. I even told him if he wanted to leave I would not blame him because this was all my fault and it was.
After a few more weeks I suggested consoling. He was very reluctant. One thing about my DH is he is very Black and White no gray for him. So for me to try to explain why I had the affair ( and to be honest I really did not know until I started processing it myself) was very difficult he just could not get it or I just could not explain it to him so he could understand. So I decided for myself I would try consoling my self. I had gone a few times and she really wanted to get DH involved. After asking a few times he did go. He was very abrasive and confrontational with the therapist. Even though she was trying to get him the see the whole picture and not place blame he just saw it as an attack. He did go back a few more times but every time we did go things just seemed to get worse. We did talk about the affair and we did talk a lot about it but after a while it just seemed to get circular. He would ask me questions I would answer and he would not agree with my answer or the answer was not good enough. After a while I just felt like I should be giving him the answers he wanted to hear but I could not do that because it was not true.
Now through all of this DH had received medical advice and was on a bunch of different antidepressants. Each seemed to make things worse. He started drinking more (beer, not liquor) and did have fits of rage, but never physically doing anything to me. I knew why he has this anger and I just let him get it out. After all it was my fault he was feeling this way so I just took whatever he gave me. Hoping it would make him get thought this.
After a few months on the meds they just were not for him and he cut them out cold turkey. We would have our good days and our bad days. We continued to talk the whole time however whenever I came home from the therapist he would be very abrasive and defensive and tell me this was just physcobabble and not really listen to me. So I stopped going to consoling. To be honest towards the end I think she was really trying to get me to leave him, But that is not what I wanted to do.
So 1 year now after the affair. we went a head alone without consoling. We decided we would make a go if it and he said he would try to "Get Over" it. Now that I look back at it It is all well and good to try to "Get Over" it, but we really did not have plan on how to do that. I tried to be more attentive and he to be more understanding and this worked most of the time. We would talk through things and that seemed to work. Then from my prospective things were getting back to normal so I taught.
Now it has been 3 years since the affair and 2.5 of him finding out. For the last month or so he has been distant. Not really talking, not being affectionate. I asked him then if something was the matter and he said "I am working on some things that I just need to figure out" I asked what and he did not want to talk about it. So I let it go, His behavior remained the same. Then one night last week we decided to go to the movies because our son was having an overnight at the y. We were late getting him there so we decided to go home to wait for the next show. So on the way home I asked him what was wrong, should I be going to the movies alone? This just opened the floodgates again. Everything was resurfacing. It was like I was in the ground-hogs day movie. He was bringing up the affair and how I could do this to him and how he ignored the signs. I was more calm this time around so I kept my composure. I asked him what bought this on because we were not arguing or anything. He said it was the time of year. I was June when I started the affair and it was also the same time his Step Father passed. So I can understand the "Time of Year" trigger but his anger was so fresh I could not understand why. Then he told me it actually started back at Easter when we got into an argument about Ice Cream. To be honest I cannot remember having that argument at all. But apparently during that argument it moved from Ice Cream to a personal attack on each other. And I told him if he was so unhappy he should leave. Now I know I should not have said this, and I do not remember saying it but if he said I did then I must have. This is what triggered his change.
He started evualating his life he said. Did he ever really love me? Does he love me now? Did he do the right thing by staying? For the right reasons our son? He said those intense feelings he had are gone and he cannot get them back. When I was sick a few weeks back he said to me he did not care and I deserved it. All of this was quite a shock to me because I had no Idea he was even thinking about this. I know when there is an affair the non cheating spouse will zig zag but this was a major zig!! I can see he still has unresolved questions and is still very angry. He blames himself (I do not blame him one bit), he feels like his manhood has been taken from him he feels insignificant hates his job, It really seemed like a major mid-life crisis. He is 37.
So I felt like I was at a crossroads and I needed to do something. Was he feeling this way because of the Time Trigger? He did suggest maybe separating for a while to figure things out but he really does not want to do and I know I do not want him to leave. He is just so broken it is heart wrenching for me to see him this way. So I got on the internet and did some searches and came across this page. I have gotten the book Divorce Busters from the library and am about 150 pages in. There is some good material in there I just wonder if it would work for us. My DH is just so against consoling I figured if I could implement some of these changes he would be responding and not even realize.
In the past few days I have done the following: Given him space, Let him make his own choices on where he wanted to go. He likes to fish when he says he is going or would like to go fishing I just say have a good time. I have helped him clean the kitchen after dinner, where before he just did it. I would say to him what a good job he did on the Meal or how nice the lawn looked when he was done. These are things that in the past would go unmentioned or just not done. He is cordial but still distant. It might just be to soon to tell. He gives me a kiss good by every day but at night we sleep in opposite directions. We do have 2 other beds in the house and he has not gone there so I took that as a good sign. I am the type of person who needs to have the human tough and sleeping apart has just been killing me. So this morning I scooted up behind him and asked if this was Okay and his response was "I don't know" I stayed there for about 15 minutes just having my arm around him until we needed to get up of work. It made me feel better but I do not know if was too soon or not right for him. He never said either way. We have not been intimate in a few days but it has only been a few days. I did ask him to be intimate one morning and his response to me was he feels like it is just sex now and not making love because he lost those feelings and he did not want to confuse me.
I am hoping some of these changes Michelle talks about in her book will help us. I do not believe my DH does not love me anymore. He is still showing some sort of affection. He is just having a hard time with the fact that intense love he felt for me is gone. and he is lost. Plus the time of year is not helping either.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I be trying to implement these steps slower? I know in the book it talks about doing the things we used to do when we were happy. Is it too soon to suggest some of these things. Or should we be going back to the beginning and try to work through this again?
I can see now we did not have a good enough "Plan" to get through this. I feel like if I bring up a plan now he might not be receptive to it? I guess you never know if you don't ask.
Getting cheated on is serious. When a man feels his "man hood" has been stripped, it's not a lightweight feeling. It makes you lose all feeling of stability, strength and resolve.
In my situation my erections where affected. We have been over for years, and I was able to find out that my erections still did work for women outside of the situation.
Why not show the husband love through actions and feed him and help him to feel more secure with you? Alot of it will be love making and trust building and acts of kindness.
I mean why break it up if you feel bad, know you shouldn't have done what you did, you still love your husband and want him - and why shoud he leave when he put all this time in.
DaddyLongShanks.
WTF? I strongly suggest that if you enjoy kicking people when they're down that you post on another board. You were affected by an A, deal with it and grow the f@ck up.
Here is a WAS who is remorseful and is asking for help. If you can't do it without talking about how you can't get it up, then move on.
Mystify,
I hope you don't get discouraged posting here. There are alot of reasons why your H could be going through what he is. The trust has been broken and yes, even though it has been a long time, he is still dealing with it.
Sometimes it does take years and it's going to require alot of love, patience and compassion on your part. How transparent have you been since that time? He really hasn't had the time to process anything since he's held it all in.
MrBond,
I didn't know my tone was taken as "kicking someone while they are down".
I don't care anymore that my previous marriage didn't work. I cared at the time, but come to understand that person didn't want me anymore and would make my life as difficult as possible. Why would anyone want that for themself?
I'm not angry. I thought I was giving her advice that might make her husband feel a little more empowered, considering the situation.
Whatever, your first post was fine. The second was straightup offensive. Her H doesn't need to feel empowered right now, you're totally missing the point.
MrBond.
I will re-read it and keep my comments light to this situation. It was just common for a man to feel like he did something wrong around the wife who cheated on him, and she comes back mean-spirited and less giving.
I've made an assumption that maybe she doesn't know she's doing it, and not trying to hurt her.
In these real "power moves" like cheating on someone, most people won't give up the feeling of "power" after they have done the deed.
"she comes back mean-spirited and less giving. "
She didn't do this. She has been open and trying to be understanding. Start reading the posts more carefully before commenting.
mystify,
I feel for you and admire your stand. I want to tell you a true story from my childhood.
We grew up near an Army family and the dad was a Colonel. He was a former POW in Vietnam for 6 years. He and his w were married with 5 kids.
He had an affair before they moved into our neighborhood.
Oh, how did I know he had an affair, when I was only 17? b/c EVERYONE KNEW
b/c his wife would leak it out ...
when I'd ask him about the POW times she'd change the topic, every time. I thought maybe she was protecting him but no, she didn't want him to be admired by us, or even their children.
She chose the worst of all avenues. To stay married & stay miserable.Today, 30 plus years later, of her 5 kids, 4 are unmarried, with each having divorced one or more times. One has never been married.
The legacy she could have given her children, after the affair
could have been one of forgiveness, redemption, committment and love.
Hers was not.Seems your h wants to hold this over your head forever like the sword of Damacles, or throw it in your face every time the whim strikes him.
I am not defending your affair. But if he cannot get past this, after you've done all you can to make it up and regain his trust
then what's the point of all this effort?
HE has a choice to make now..to forgive you, which requires letting it go & never bringing it up,
or to end it b/c he won't let it go.
Getting cheated on is serious. When a man feels his "man hood" has been stripped, it's not a lightweight feeling. It makes you lose all feeling of stability, strength and resolve.
was there something in her post that made you think SHE wasn't taking it seriously?
In my situation my erections where affected. We have been over for years, and I was able to find out that my erections still did work for women outside of the situation.
Why not show the husband love through actions and feed him and help him to feel more secure with you? Alot of it will be love making and trust building and acts of kindness.
did you read what SHE wrote? I mean after the part about her having an affair, or did you tune it all out and think about his sexual dysfunction, which she did NOT mention him having?
Did you read what she did and said to regain the marriage, that she expressed love, they make love and did you read what her husband to her, now a full 3 years post affair?
What do you say about HIS behavior? He gets to keep swinging the bat at her as long as HIS MANHOOD isn't what it should be.
Wow...I gotta go w/Bond on this but I won't beat a dead horse. Hope you get it.
I mean why break it up if you feel bad, know you shouldn't have done what you did, you still love your husband and want him - and why shoud he leave when he put all this time in.
Hmmm, I am pro marriage. But as to why should SHE leave? Because HE'S mistreating her now, has been for a long time and seems to think he gets a blank check on being a jerk to her forever, b/c she hurt him 3 years ago and she sees no signs of his improving the way he treats her. That's a reason why.
why should HE leave?
B/c he won't forgive her...
But for the record I never saw forgiveness growing up. IT's a learned skill.
Mystfy, check out the book "After the Affair" to see if it helps and get a solution based therapist.
No more rehashing the past and reliving the trauma.
What helps your marriage NOW?
Do more of that. What hurts it now? Do less or none of that...
That's DB 101...get the books and read them.It's a simple but radically different approach from most mc's...
Mystify
let us know how you are doing, okay? No disappearing and making us worry!
Hello everyone and thank you for your comments. Things are Civil. After we had our initial discussion (which prompted my post) he as agreed to go to consoling with a different therapist. We had our first meeting on Friday. This therapist specializes in Men's therapy so he has a bit of a different approach. We went in not really knowing who would be the primary client. I started talking and gave him the quick rundown of our situation and the therapist looked at my H and said "Boy she is good and through" My H said "Yes that is the way she is, and this is why what she did is so hard for me to wrap my head around" The he basically talked and talked. Which was good because before with our other therapist he barely said a thing.
The therapist thought my H should be the primary client and he would like to meet with him 4 more times alone before I wold be brought back in. My H agreed, but then also made the statement that just because he agreed does not mean he is going to stay. I thought OK but at least this is a step.
As far as the days that have followed he has been friendly, chatty but still no physical contact. He has gone out with his friends and taken our son fishing. Still with no comments from me. If this is what he needs to do I feel like he needs to Go for it. He is still kissing me good bye in the morning and he has asked me to watch a movie with him as well. I did feel strange about this so I just declined and said I would rather do X,Y,Z. And he was OK with that because the movie he said he wanted to watch I would probably not like.
He does not start his therapy until next week so we have to go another whole week of this. I have been trying to make some changes as well. H usually cleans the kitchen so I really cleaned the kitchen the other day. He never said a word to me about it, but I know he noticed. Maybe this is why he was so friendly over the weekend. I think I am going to continue making these small changes to see if this behavior tords me continues to be positive. I am just hoping once the therapy starts the downward spiral does not start again.
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
This is my third time trying to post this so I hope it gets updated....
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
I think DLS scared her off.
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
I think DLS scared her off.
That's too bad.
From what she writes, it seems to me her H isn't really "getting over it" and that's going to be a problem moving forward.
I kind of understand how he feels. There were times in my journey I felt that I could only "get over it" if I had my own little fling. Dealing with an A is difficult.
But for him to have not made any progress 3 years on, just says something obviously isn't working, and something different needs to be done.
Funny thing: for me the rapidity of the D helped push me to move on. Now I'm not suggesting D, but maybe there's some other dynamic, because three years later, I suspect someone isn't really trying hard enough.
I think Mystify needs to say: "If we're going to make this work, let's get to work, but H has got to stop throwing the past in my face." IMHO that's a major obstacle. When's it going to end? She needs to say: Look H, I can't change the past, decide is you can do this."
The current dynamic appears as if the H is now the WA and the W is passively pursuing. It's not working. Somehow they have to get to a point where they are "starting over." He said he's lost that lovin' feeling. How's he going to get it back? I think he needs to miss her, and decide if he wants to grow old with her or someone else or alone.
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
Is this working? I have tried to respond for 7 days now and my post is not showing up???
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
your posts are being moderated. Just keep posting away and you will get off moderation.
Let him lead right now on the physical stuff. Just hold off on it. As he will have to work through it to he gets to a point that you two can talk about it.
Just take your time and slowly rebuild safety and security there. Something has triggered him. So keep an eye on him and see if you can determine what it is.
So here is what has transpired. H has been to therapy once. I had told him before he left that if he wanted to talk about it we could but I would not ask him. He went and did not say anything about what happened. I have continued to do little extra things that may have lost my attention along the years. I have been helping him clean up after dinner, laundry, totally cleaning the Bedrooms and bathrooms, Kitchen etc. I know he noticed but again he never said anything about my efforts. Things have been civil but still at this point no Physical contact. He has been working a lot so I have just been letting him do his thing and not asking about house chores or questioning his actions. He actually cleaned out the garage which was nice and I told him I appreciated it.
A few days later I was paying his cell bill, and I noted a strange number on his cell. I have also noticed he has locked his phone. I did not want to say anything to him about it because I did not want him to think I was snooping. But these text messages were excessive. A few Hundred. They were also during strange times. Like one night he said he was going to bed early because he had to get up early to get to work. I stayed down stairs to watch a movie and I went to bed around midnight that night. Well he was texting this person until 11:30 and I thought he was sleeping. So I was feeling very threatened by what I was finding.
So Sunday I decided to call the number and the VM sounded like a woman but a much older woman. I could not make out the name. I was still not sure who this was so I decided to ask H. He said it was his Friend Eddy. He asked what the number was and I gave it to him. He said he believed it was Eddy, but he also said "For reasons of Full disclosure" he was also talking to someone else. I asked who and he said someone about "Our situation" besides the therapist. I asked if this person was a woman and he said yes. I asked about their relationship and he said she is going through the same thing he is and they just talk sometimes. Her situation is a lot worse than ours. Abusive husband etc.... But I guess she wants to leave him but she feels guilty. And Apparently my H feels guilty about wanting to leave me as well.
He said he is not attracted to this woman and he is not sleeping with anyone else she was just someone he met at work who started talking to him when he was doing a job. Now I am not thrilled about this but I did not let that on. I remained calm.
Now here is where it got weird. He told me he wants to leave me but his guilt about it is just so overwhelming to him. He said he could stay married to me but he is afraid he could never love me again because I hurt him so bad, I left a hole in his heart, that he feels can never be repaired. He feels like he missed out in his early years about dating and being with other woman. He had only had 2 other relationships before me. And he feels like he wants to "Be Free" He said he feels like he wants to sleep with other women, (not to have a relationship with but just sex) to see what he has been missing. Because he has been with me the past 20 years. (Married for 12)
I asked him if he was planning on moving out or what and he said he did not know. He said right now he feels like we are friends and roommates Sex is just Sex there is no love he said. He said he is very attracted to me, but that love he felt is gone and he does not think he could get that back. He was kind of talking in circles at this point. He does not want to leave the house, but he wants his freedom, He said he still wants to have sex with me but he does not love me, and he wants to have sex with other women and not have to answer to anyone.
So I basically told him I think he still loves me, but the hurt he feels and has not dealt with is just so overwhelming he that is all he feels. I asked him if he was still living with me, having sex with me would he want to just go out and pick up some woman and have sex with her. And he said he did not know. But he said if the opportunity presented its self he wanted to be able to take it. Now I know my husband very well. He has a lot of Heavy morals and values and if it came right down to it I really do not think he could go through it. (then again I did and I never thought I would)
So we joked about what we were talking about , because I was really trying to make sense about all of it. The joking seemed to relieve some tension and we ended up "Going up Stairs" and had a wonder encounter.
He does not go to the therapist again until next week. So after a lot of thought and taking into consideration what he has been telling me I think I am going to live life the way I want in my marriage. Be faithful to him, take pride in my house, show him love and affection, take care of myself (loose some weight etc..) and reconnect with friends. If he wants to go out with his friends I will not be in his way. I cannot control what he does. If he happens to be with someone else, that is his choice and I could walk away knowing I tried everything I could.
Bingo. So now you know what is going on. So now think back.
What did he do 3 years ago to draw you back?
Be careful about those therapists sessions. They become a justification.....
You need to determine if this therapist is pro marriage or pro discover yourself. If the latter. Get another.
So think back. Think what worked on you.
And do not say yes to an open marriage.
So think back. Think what worked on you.
And do not say yes to an open marriage.
"Amen" and "BINGO!"
Starsky
Another Update. After I asked H about the text messages and he told me it was a woman at work he confided in about us, I had let a few days pass. On July 3rd something told me to log into his email account. So I did. In there I found a google chat that was saved. I saw message from her asking him how Soccer went with our son, My H asking if he could walk her to her car. Then here was the kicker. I found one video and 2 picture messages. The Video was a vulgar video of her using a toy. Then the one picture was of her topless and one of her crotch. I was fuming..... My H was sleeping because he had to work the night shift after working all day. I just could not let this pass until he got home from work in the AM so I went upstairs and woke him up.
I asked him about the video and the pictures. He said when he got them he freaked out and deleted them right away. He asked her not to send any more. He said he never sent her any pictures back. From what I can see from his text history after I confronted him on Sunday about the messages there have not been any texts to her. My H said he is not looking for a relationship. And then he proceeded to tell me all of the things about this woman he did not like....Like her smoking, her having 2 children under 5. She is 11 Years younger than him (26) She has a crazy BF or H not sure which, Here is where I stopped him. I said to him for as easy as it was for me to find this it would be just as easy for her "SO" And I did not want any crazy BF or H showing up at my door asking why he was getting pornographic material from his girlfriend. He just looked at me and said, "You are right"
He then went to work and I was still feeling very betrayed. I went back into his account and got the pictures. Why? Not sure just incase I ever needed proof or something. I started looking at the time lines of the conversations. then the account locked up. He had changed his PW. So I called him an asked him why? He said he wanted to see what I saw and he removed it. I was like Okay, and then I just said to him "you know this does not look good' "It looks really bad" So then I asked him if he was going to tell her that I saw the video and the pictures. He asked me if I wanted him to. I said I was not sure and I hung up.
When he got home from work we were both very tired. I had slept for about an hour and he had been up all night. When he did get up he was a little affectionate with me. Not sure if it was the guilt or not....So this is what I figured happened. Around the time they started texting was the time he told me he did not want to be with me anymore. I did see about 5-6 other pictures come to his phone from Text. These were different than the chat session I found. These were also sent late at night or a lunch time. They were sent back from the beginning of June, now I do not know what those pictures were I can only assume. But for him telling me he asked her to stop sending the pictures is a cock. So I think they may have started out with the platonic relationship she wanted to bring it up a notch. That that probably turned into sexting. And that was when I saw the texts. I have not asked him to confirm this, but this is what makes since to me.
So what I have decided to do is NOTHING. Reason I do not want to add to the Drama. I do not want to give him a reason why he should leave or pursue this. Do I really need him to confirm what he did? I know what happened. I have the records. From what I can see he did the right thing by stopping the contact. Now they work at the same hospital. So do I really know if they stopped contact no, I have to take his word on this one. But I think I would be able to tell what is going on by his actions. He has been very attentive the last few days. Talkative, doing things around the house that he has neglected for years. Again here I just noticed his efforts. Not saying anything to him. I Feel like if I say something to him he may take it as a Jab instead of a complement. So I just let him do his thing
As far as this OW goes. I know what he is going thought because I went through it myself. The newness the excitement, but in the end its not worth loosing what you have. What happened to him here was the same way it started with me. So I know, but I stopped it before it could get to far.
So in Limbo again I sit. Still not sure if he will go or he will stay. He should be seeing the therapist the week. He is Pro-Marriage by the way. Keeping the family together. So I do not know. When he left this AM he kissed me good-bye and I said "Have a good day" and he said "you too" which is different because for the last few weeks he has not said anything back to me.
He is Pro-Marriage by the way. Keeping the family together.
You mean he was.
Stop thinking that.
Were you pro marriage 3 years ago?
I am going to offer a suggestion.
But this is one path for you to follow. And one that you can not do unless your 100% committed and emotionally strong enough to do.
I would sit him down.
I would say.
"You and I both know that you crossed a boundary with ______ ( say her name ). This is unacceptable. Not only have your actions put our marriage in jeopardy. But they have also put your's and ____ ( say her name ) careers in jeopardy during these economic difficulties."
Pause. Let the silence fill for a second or two. If he starts to apologize or gaslight say the following.
" Stop. I am talking now. You will listen. And when I am done talking you can think about what you want to do."
If he starts to say you did it so why should he not.
" Stop. I am talking now. You will listen. I am talking to you about your unacceptable actions. And when I am done talking you can think about what you want to do."
Pause. Let it sink in. Then continue.
" You and I have struggled the past three years to save our marriage. You are now seeing and feeling the difficulties of adultery on the other side of the coin."
Pause. If he says he is not or anything. Just say.
"Please stop. I find this lying very unattractive. I am talking now. You will listen. And when I am done talking you can think about what you want to do."
Pause.
"I have decided that I want to save this marriage. I am 100% committed to repair our marriage. But I will not do this alone. I will not remain in an open marriage. I will not tolerate lies. I will not tolerate limbo while you go find yourself. I will not tolerate less than 100% commitment to our marriage. I will not tolerate any communication with _____"
Pause.
"You will decide if you want to peruse this relationship with ____ or if you want to recommit 100% to the marriage. Any thing less than 100% commitment will result in divorce. I will start the process within 2 days."
Pause.
"I am finished talking. I am going to go be by myself now to think."
Then get up and walk away.
And do not say another single word to him.
This will kick you out of limbo and will start you down the path of recovery or it will start you down the path of D.
But the path of D can be stopped. But at this time it will be used as a weapon against the affair.
Just a reminder. This is of my opinion. Based on your history.
Last resort Technique.
P.S. say it in your words
Obviously you have to mean it. Your ready to get on with it.
Hi Mystify,
My wife had an affair, not only that she moved out and in with him.
Contact continued after she came back to me and she ****ed him whilst pregnant with our son some time in 2009.
It is so hard for a man to forgive that stuff. So very, very hard and it's only in the last eighteen months that I have really begun to come out of it. The anger you feel is indescribable. On the one hand you want to forgive and move on but on the other you're utterly digusted with yourself for staying with what you grow to think is a skank whore of a wife.
There's not much you can do really other than say "I'm sorry you feel that way DH and for choosing to hurt you like I did." or, "I take full responsibility for doing it DH and for every bit of pain you experienced as a result of my choices".
Forgiveness comes reasonably easier to me than others I know but stuff like infidelity really does take time, lots of it, to heal. Time alone isn't enough. Time and doing the right things consistently will get the job done.
Good luck.
GH31
Hi Mystify,
My wife had an affair, not only that she moved out and in with him.
Contact continued after she came back to me and she ****ed him whilst pregnant with our son some time in 2009.
It is so hard for a man to forgive that stuff. So very, very hard and it's only in the last eighteen months that I have really begun to come out of it. The anger you feel is indescribable. On the one hand you want to forgive and move on but on the other you're utterly digusted with yourself for staying with what you grow to think is a skank whore of a wife.
There's not much you can do really other than say "I'm sorry you feel that way DH and for choosing to hurt you like I did." or, "I take full responsibility for doing it DH and for every bit of pain you experienced as a result of my choices".
Forgiveness comes reasonably easier to me than others I know but stuff like infidelity really does take time, lots of it, to heal. Time alone isn't enough. Time and doing the right things consistently will get the job done.
Good luck.
GH31
Wow. I know how you feel. The pain is indescribable and it just takes so much time to get past it. I'm glad you put a number to it. It could be three years from the time of an infidelity, after work has been done on restoring the relation that the pain is distant enough.
I was an easy forgiver too, but due to the reasons that I was brought to DB-land I'm not so sure anymore. I guess I can forgive certain serious transgressions and just let them go. Forgive them for my peace of mind, and let them go and move on with my life. That's pretty much what I got out of this place.
The Therapist is Pro Marriage....... My H I really do not know what he is thinking now. He does see the Therapist Tonight so hopefully He will give us some "Homework" to work on and we can see some progress somewhere....Whichever way it will go.
I still think if he wanted to leave he would have done it by now. It has been a month since our first talk about all of this and a lot has transpired. The most difficult part for me has been the not knowing where things are headed. I am a planner and a need to know person. So for me to let things go and not react is very very difficult. But I also think by me doing this it is giving him a sense of control which I do not think he had before. But at the same time giving him this control, but still being aware of what is going on.....so I am not blind sided.
Floating around in the currents is not a good plan.
Since you are a planner.
Use your strengths.
Mystify,
I'm wondering if you and your DH have ever had a discussion about WHY you had this affair 3 years ago?
I am in a similar situation to yours. I never slept with anyone but did have strong, real feelings for one person 3 years ago also, and then had some inappropriate texts with another person recently which was our "bomb".
After MUCH self reflection, I have come to the full realization that our M was sorely lacking in emotional intimacy and I was trying to replace it by going outside the M. In addition, my H had become verbally and emotionally abusive which caused me to withdraw, compartmentalize and eventually succumb to someone else who was giving me the attention that I desperately needed. Before my TA, my H would threaten D all the time... even in front of the children, who are young. And I became a very broken and insecure woman who needed to feel better about herself.
So, I'm wondering if you've looked at this inside your own relationship. After our TA bomb I suffered even more emotional abuse as I sat and listened to my H call me "garbage" and a "sewer rat" and many other things. The focus was completely on ME and what I had done wrong rather than what went wrong in the R to have caused this. My H hasn't heard my side, doesn't listen to anyone who doesn't agree with him, hasn't acknowledged his part as of yet and may never do so, and at this point, he claims he has made up his mind that he wants a D. So much easier than actually working on the problems.
What was the dynamic in your R that led to you having this A? What were you looking for that you weren't getting? Is your H open to having these kinds of discussions, either alone with you or in therapy? If he is willing to genuinely look inside himself and take responsibility for what he contributed to the decline of your R, there may be some good work ahead for you both.
Hugs,
RegretfulLA
Hi again Mystify,
For what it is worth, I had sex with other women whilst my wife and I were separated. Partly out of revenge I guess, partly to keep the smell of desparate off me and to see if I still "had it". All ridiculous things really - and I still felt dreadful.
If your H has been involved with this woman due to feelings of "revenge" I can understand the motivation but I am not excusing it.
What I didn't tell Daddy Long Shanks was that in addition to being quick to forgive most of the time (for trifling things), I'm also quick to anger and it took a long time to really forgive my wife. A "trifling thing", by the way, is anything you won't give a damn about 1 year from now.
I really hope your H sees sense and takes responsibility for his part of your M's demise. There was no excuse for your A but his treatment of you made you vulnerable to one and he really does need to learn how to meet your needs, starting with knowing what they are in a language we men can understand.
My wife's sister has just dropped the bomb on my BIL and they have four young children. This is what has led me back to the board - I fear the Monster of Complacency like you wouldn't believe!
Good luck with this!
best,
GH31
Hi RegretfulLA, We have looked into why the affair happened. This was very difficult because at the time the affair was developing and evolving I really had no Idea these things were lacking in our marriage. From what I was able to discover, I was missing an emotional connection with my H. On the outside I come across as a very confident strong person. But in reality in the inside I am very insecure and have low self-esteem. Maybe my perception was just a very good cover-up for what I was really feeling? Anyway when the affair started the overwhelming feeling I had for the attention I was getting from OM was so strong I just could not stop it. It was almost like a drug, I wanted more and more of that attention because it made me feel so complete and good about myself. I was losing weight, and my H was noticing. And the strange thing about all of that was he was more attentive to me and I liked that as well. I do not want to say it was a “Have my Cake and eat it too” but I liked all of the attention I was getting on both sides.
Now that I look back at it I was getting the emotional boost I needed from the OM and the physical from my H. Until my H started to back off due to my sudden change in behavior. This is when the physical Affair started with the OM. He just knew what to say and what I needed to hear at that time.
So to answer your question I do not think I was getting what I needed emotionally from my H. However when this came out he was very defensive. Throughout all of this I have come to realize that my H’s way of showing me affection was to Work Hard long hours, fix things around the house, and just be present. From my point of view I took this as “He would rather work than be with me” “Or he would rather not be home” He was so hurt that I just did not realize he was doing these things for me and our family. You know In the back of my head I knew this but I still needed to verbal “I Love you” or the reassurance, and he never gave that to me. I think over the last 20 years of knowing him I can count on one hand how many times he actually said “I love You” He thought by him doing the things he was doing was good enough. And he still feels this way.
It is sad. If we were better communicators then we would not be in this mess. I am by no means blaming him…..but when I come out and say I need those reassurances, I feel very disregarded when he tells me I just should have known how he felt by his actions. Even though I have told him I need to hear the words and feel his touch…….