Ran into WAS and OW

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Hi all-
Just need to journal this...

My WAS moved out a few months ago and is living with OW in the next town up the road. Last night I had to be in that town (I am a part-time RE agent, and that is where my office is). Stopped into a few stores to pick up some things.

When I came out of one of the stores and went back to my car, I saw OW's car almost directly behind mine in the parking lot. Her car has out of state plates, so it is pretty easy to spot. Both of them were sitting in the car.

I was just dropping something off in my car, and going into another store. So I walked over and grabbed a shopping cart about 10 feet from OW's car, looked at them, waved, and walked on into the store. When I came back out, the OW car was still there, but they weren't in it.

Today I get message from WAS about scheduling dates for mediation, and she would like to "talk about seeing you last night. It was awkward and I hate that."

This has my guts all in a twist, although I don't think I did anything wrong. I am not going to avoid an entire town because they are there. Maybe I should have ignored them.

Suggestions on what to say when we talk?

[P17]

I was just dropping something off in my car, and going into another store. So I walked over and grabbed a shopping cart about 10 feet from OW's car, looked at them, waved, and walked on into the store. When I came back out, the OW car was still there, but they weren't in it.

Excellent. Liked the waving part in particular.

Today I get message from WAS about scheduling dates for mediation,

What sort of mediation is this?

and she would like to "talk about seeing you last night. It was awkward and I hate that."

Why does she need to talk? If she feels awkward then surely that's something for her conscience to deal with? Maybe I misunderstand that bit.

This has my guts all in a twist, although I don't think I did anything wrong. I am not going to avoid an entire town because they are there. Maybe I should have ignored them.

Why the hell should you. Wait a minute Arwen, you haven't done anything so why are you feeling guilty?

You are getting on with your life. You are acknowledging that she exists. You waved. Big deal. If she get's all upset at you for waving, boo hoo.

Suggestions on what to say when we talk?

It' her that needs to talk. I'd listen, validate and that's it. I wouldn't say much.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Hey P- Long time!

What sort of mediation is this?

This is a session before a neutral 3rd party to try to come to agreement on division of assets, support, etc. rather than going straight to trial.

Why does she need to talk? If she feels awkward then surely that's something for her conscience to deal with? Maybe I misunderstand that bit.

I don't know why she needs to talk. I agree- if she feels awkward, it's most likely her conscience speaking up. Perhaps she thinks I was following them or something.... although I was in the shopping center before she was, I think. I guess I'll know when we talk.

It' her that needs to talk. I'd listen, validate and that's it. I wouldn't say much.

Sounds like a plan.

[P17]

Hey P- Long time!

It has been. I still have the bumps from your last 2x4 LOL (it was appreciated believe me).

I don't know why she needs to talk. I agree- if she feels awkward, it's most likely her conscience speaking up. Perhaps she thinks I was following them or something.... although I was in the shopping center before she was, I think. I guess I'll know when we talk.

She must know you were there first if they parked behind your car? Your car didn't move and they knew that as they stayed in theirs ... maybe they knew it was you and were waiting for you?

Do you really want to talk? What would it achieve (other than settling your curiosity)?

[Tostada]

Its interesting in reading all these posts on the was behavior. Its as if when they leave for someone else, life is supposed to be as it was, all sugar plums and lolipops. They don't go through the left behind, all alone stage. They move right into fantasy land and expect it all to be just great. When your behavior is different or doesn't fit into the lolipop plan, sort of sets them off.

My rec, and of course I'm no expert, but I'd let her keep trying to setup this 'talk' and you just keep doing what your doing. What would a 'talk' do to help you out if she's living with OM? I'd ignore her as long as that is the case.

[bluerain]

Ugh, Tostada, you are so right. "I want to tear the rug out from under you, and break your heart, but I still want to be your friend! Barf!

Arwen, it sounds like the meeting was awkward for her and the other woman more than it was for you! Thats her problem, not yours. If you did "talk", what would it be about, what would YOU have to gain from it? Im guessing she wants to try to clear her consience. Screw that! You dont owe her a way to make herself feel better for being a WAW.

Guess what, when you do something terrible, sometimes it haunts you, and Arwen, you dont need to fix that for her!

Oh, by the way- Ive been wondering how you are doing, nice to see you again!

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Ugh, Tostada, you are so right. "I want to tear the rug out from under you, and break your heart, but I still want to be your friend! Barf!

Arwen, it sounds like the meeting was awkward for her and the other woman more than it was for you! Thats her problem, not yours. If you did "talk", what would it be about, what would YOU have to gain from it? Im guessing she wants to try to clear her consience. Screw that! You dont owe her a way to make herself feel better for being a WAW.

Guess what, when you do something terrible, sometimes it haunts you, and Arwen, you dont need to fix that for her!

Oh, by the way- Ive been wondering how you are doing, nice to see you again!

We haven't talked yet. It helps that I have been out of town the last few days on business. :-) When I get back, I am not going to bring this issue up. If she feels the need to get something off her chest, as P17 says, I'll just listen and validate. You're right, Blue- I don't need to fix it for her.

I've been having a hard time lately- posted in p's thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...095#Post1897095

[bluerain]

Arwen, I think just about a month ago I read you posting the very advice that P17 gave you to someone else. You know how to do this... just stay focused.

Im sorry that your having a hard time right now.

[P17]

Arwen, I think just about a month ago I read you posting the very advice that P17 gave you to someone else. You know how to do this... just stay focused.

Im sorry that your having a hard time right now.

Sometimes we know the stuff, we just can't hear it through the pain.

Or maybe, like me, Arwen find it easier giving advice than taking it?

[bluerain]

P17, I think you mean like every single human being alive its easier to give advice than to take it! I can have a hard time with it also.

[karen43]

Hey, Arwen, good to see you!!!

I agree with most everyone else. I don't think you should have that talk with her. Sounds like she had some guilt feelings; and if she's with OW, then it's not your problem, it's her own problem to fix or not. If she needs any validation, OW should do that. I wouldn't try to ease her guilt one bit. The importance of consequences and all that.

Karen

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Hey, Arwen, good to see you!!!

I agree with most everyone else. I don't think you should have that talk with her. Sounds like she had some guilt feelings; and if she's with OW, then it's not your problem, it's her own problem to fix or not. If she needs any validation, OW should do that. I wouldn't try to ease her guilt one bit. The importance of consequences and all that.

Karen

Just a quick update-
Friday I was driving home from my business trip, and got a text from W that she hoped my trip was wildly successful and that she had brought our dog back home (she watched the dog while I was away). I texted back expressing appreciation for the fact that she took care of the dog, and that I was on my way home.

A few hours later she called. I was still driving and on another call, so I let it roll to voice mail. When I picked up the message, she said she was calling to check that I was going to be home that night. If I wasn't, she would stop by and feed the dog and cat.

So, I called her back. Apparently she didn't get my text, and so didn't know that I was already on my way home. She asked about the training that I did, and we chatted a few minutes about it. As I wasn't happy with the way it went (and told her so), she ended up encouraging and validating me! It was the first time in a very long time that we talked about something that was going on in my life, as I usually ask about her work and make sure that I am positive, encouraging, cheerleading, etc. (partly to DB and partly because I really want to- I really care about what it is going on her life).

NO mention of the "awkward" meeting in the parking lot. Hmmm.

I am trying not to read too much into this as an indicator of any kind of change of direction or mood on her part. I am just going to take it for what it is- a nice pleasant conversation.

However, it did bring bring home just how much I miss her, and the conversations we used to have... As we did not have any kids, with her gone it is just me at home. There is no one who knows me the way she did, and it is hard being without that daily intimate connection with someone who knows you inside and out.

The dog and cat try their best, but it's just not the same. ;-)

[P17]

Arwen,

I know when W was texting me right at the start of all this (after she had moved out but before OM had moved in) she did the same thing - conversation here and there about things and being nice at the same time.

You're right not to read anything into it.

In hindsight I think she did it because of her insecurity - she just fancied a chat and was lonely. Part of me thinks she did it to get at me. Who knows.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

P-

Thanks for the reply. I am just going with the flow for now. I do not initiate contact (unless it's something very important), but when she does, I make sure that I am pleasant and friendly, encouraging and supportive. I want her to feel safe with me when the A starts to fall apart.

P, have you seen the Hero's Spouse website at http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com? There is a lot of good info there.

In your thread you had asked me if I am on the book of faces. I am. How do I find you? I do not want to post my real name here.

[P17]

P, have you seen the Hero's Spouse website at http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com? There is a lot of good info there.

I'll check that out just now.

In your thread you had asked me if I am on the book of faces. I am. How do I find you? I do not want to post my real name here.

Best way is to join the DB Xmas Group ... look it up on FB.