Hi everyone-
I'm sorry that I've taken such a long break off the BB. I've had some trouble accessing some sites from work and haven't gotten the internet hooked up at home yet.
I can't really remember where I left off. H is at home with me & D4. Things have been getting better. He's told me that it's over with OW. I'm not 100% sold on that so I'm being cautious, yet trying to work on things and be happy at the same time.
D4 and I have started going back to church. She loves Sunday school and I love the hour of peace sitting in the service by myself. H doesn't want to go with us just yet. He'll be going later in the month though, as D4 sings in church at the end of Oct.. He won't miss that. I've started pulling out some crafts that I used to do. It's been so many years since I've touched them. I'd kind of let go of everything that made me happy, so I've been looking for them again. I finally put up the last few pictures in my apartment.....after only 2 1/2 months. It actually looks liveable now!
Back to H & OW. I know that he's talked to her....or called her a few times. I told him that if it's going to work with us then there needs to be no contact with her. I told him that I didn't want the occassional call turning into the occassional visit and then building back up from there. He had an angry tone, but said that it wouldn't. He's not one that likes to be told what to do, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. I told him that I don't want to hide the feelings & thoughts anymore. I told him that I held my feelings and thoughts in for too long and it almost cost me my marriage. I'd like to hear from OW's H to see how things are on his side, but I don't want to call & disturb anything there. H has been pretty quiet the past week or so. Work has been slow for him, his dad is getting better, but he still worries about him.....and he had to send his brother $$$ to help cover his dad's prescriptions. Despite him being quiet, he's been more involved with us. As a surprise he bought us (me, D4 & my mom) tickets to go see Playhouse Disney Live on Sunday. He knows I love taking D4 to things like that.
Oh, back in late Spring, H bought tickets for a November 15th theater showing of "Wicked". I knew that the 15th was around OW's b-day. The same night I talked to him about the no contact, I asked him about those tickets. He told me that he would sell them. I know he hasn't yet, but he asked me the other day if I'd seen a box he used to keep in his dresser. It has the tickets in it and he needs to get them sold.
H's next court date for his DUI is next Thursday. I think that's the date that we'll find out what's what....if it gets dismissed or if it goes on his record. The Chemical Dependency counselor called ME yesterday. She wanted to follow up on OUR conversation regarding H's drinking. We didn't have a lot of time to talk the day we went to see her. She said that she still had some questions for me and wanted to clarify some things, as she felt that H hadn't been completely honest with her about the quantity he drinks when he does drink. After our conversation, she told me that she is not only recommending a level 2 class but also that he abstain from drinking for 6 months. In her words, "I want to see him dry out and see how life really can be without the use of alcohol". She claims that he will be required to follow her recommendation.
Joie....welcome back. I saw your post about you and your H. I'm sorry that he's drinking again. I know you said that it's not as bad as before, but it would be nice if he could have quit all together.
D4 is doing wonderful! She got her haircut short and she loves it. We call her the "sassy little thing" now! Grandma and Grandpa are coming today for a visit and will be here through Monday. She doesn't have school on Monday so they're going to watch her for us. They have grand plans for the weekend.....apple orchard, maybe a movie, crafts, buying a pumpkin....etc. I'm sure my mom will get some snuggle time in too! They just love spending time together. Makes my heart happy.
Work for me has been really, really busy. Even though our business is doing okay, they have gone into extreme cost cutting mode. No one is allowed any more overtime. I got used to having some on each check, so that will take a little getting used to. Despite the cost cutting, there is a work event tomorrow night. It should be fun. I've been helping with the set up and will have to work part of it tomorrow night. D4 will be with my parents all weekend, so it will be a good time for H and I to spend some time alone too.
Well, back to work. Just a few hours left of the week!
Have a great weekend everyone. I'll check out posts as soon as I can to stop by and say hi to everyone.
SueS
Welcome back Sue,
I've missed you. Sounds like you have been leading a very full life. From reading your post it seems like your H is having a lot more patience and time for you DD also. I'm glad things have improved so much for you.
Hugs, Yoyo
Yeah Sue! Glad you are back and doing well. We've been "talking" about you and wondering how you were.
Sue!
Wow, I have to go back and read your last thread (or two, probably). The last I knew your H was full-speed ahead on getting his own life. Again, wow! I know you have a hard road ahead of you, but the road behind you has been rough, too, and you've made it through.
I'm still dealing with the contact with OW and it's rough, but getting better. The toughest part is learning to trust again.
Joie
p.s. Hi to LO and Yoyo ... gotta find your threads, too.
Good (rainy) Monday Morning-
It's a typical fall morning. Rainy, beautiful colors on the trees, cool outside. I love it!
Well, the weekend was good. My parents arrived around 5:00 on Friday. D4 was so excited to see them and show them her new short haircut. My mom took a picture of the two of us (now both with short hair), so I'll send it to a few of you.
We went out for dinner on Friday evening and H actually joined us. He and my folks did very well. We had a good time. On Sat., H worked, my folks to D4 to an apple orchard and me.....I got about 5 hours ALL TO MYSELF!! It was wonderful. I helped H with a few things when he got home and then I headed off to my company party. I was supposed to go back home later and pick H up, but he decided to just stay home. Instead of running home to sit with him, I decided to stay for a while. It was fun. The theme was Oktoberfest. We had a great band, german food, german beer.....just a lot of fun.
Then, the fun ended when I got home. I decided to take a look at H's phone. I hadn't seen any calls in about a week. Well, there was a call to her about 1/2 hr. before I got home. H had been drinking earlier in the night.....and so had I. Big mistake to start something. H had sobered up a bit by the time I got home, but was asleep on the couch. I woke H up....
I got ANGRY....
Me: Why the "F" are you still calling her?
H: I don't know. Don't worry about it.
Me: Did you talk to her?
H: No.
Me: Did you leave her a message?
H: No.
Me: Then what good did it do you to call her?
H: I don't know.
Me: You're words and some of your actions are telling me that you want to be here but other actions are saying that you haven't let go of her yet.
Me: Do you understand that every time you call her, you might as well kick me in the stomach or slap me in the face? That's how it makes me feel.
Me: H, is it over?
H: Yes.
Me: Then let it go.
A few minutes later.......
Me: H, all I wanted this weekend was to spend time with you. D4 is with Grandma & Grandpa. I just wanted to have fun with you...just with you.
I just walked away and went to bed.
Yesterday I got up and went to church. I stopped by the hotel and picked my parents & D4 up on the way. It was nice. Then we all went back to our place. H had offered to cook for all of us. He was fine all day. H had bought tickets for Playhouse Disney Live for D4, myself & my mom. We went last night and D4 had a blast. I dropped them off at the hotel and went home. H was quiet, but talked to me a little more.
That's about where things are at. Me seeing a few things from H that say he wants to be here, but still seeing things that say he doesn't and that he's having a hard time letting go of OW.
I need to get busy at work!!
Have a great day.
-SueS
Hi Sue, Glad to hear that many things are getting better for you. The high point of your posts, to me, was your joy when you talked about your 5 hours of "Me Time." You deserve that, on a regular basis. What's more, having happy time by yourself makes you a better person in all of your relationships as well. Keep it up!
I'm sorry you are still having to deal with H's deceit. I do hope the judge really throws the book at him with the class and the no-alcohol rule (how the heck can they enforce that though?) I think that letting go of that crutch would do him a world of good towards growing up and stopping acting like a selfish, spoiled, bullying child.
Rob,
They can enforce it. They put him on probation and he has to report daily for urine analysis and breathalyzer tests. My son was put on antabuse, a drug that they crushed and he had to inhale in their presence. The drug causes the person to have a severe physical reaction to alcohol. One beer produces heart-attack like symptoms. More than that, and you need to go to the emergency room. My son was on it for 6 months. He only tried to drink with it once.
Hi Sue...glad you finally got some time to post.
Sounds like things are looking up for the most part and I am happy...but....be careful with the contact with OW. This sounds alot like my H and he would text her when drinking. Its not right. He should have no contact with her for himself and out of respect for you. I am not buying the stuff that says its a gradual thing. If he is serious, he should be taking the actions of not contacting her and if she contacts him he shouldn't respond. I lived this for months. I would catch him, he would play it off like no big deal or promise not to do it again and a few weeks later I would catch him again.
Please be careful. Have your boundaries and let him know what they are. Don't let him cake eat again.
I don't want to sound negative but it seems like your H changed his tune when he found himself homeless. IMO, contact with OW is unacceptable if he is working on R with you.
Sue,
Thursday's a big day for you and LWB! I know that despite all his faults, and the crap he's pulled, that you love him. None of us want to see bad or tough things happen to those we love, but I hope something good comes out of his DUI. That's what I keep hoping for my H, too.
As far as the contact with OW. That sucks. I know there are people who can quit addictions cold turkey, but they're not in the majority. But it such a slap in the face to us -- but they can't see that. But if it was the first call you'd seen in a week, that's positive!
Joie
Thursday's a big day for you and LWB! I know that despite all his faults, and the crap he's pulled, that you love him. None of us want to see bad or tough things happen to those we love, but I hope something good comes out of his DUI. That's what I keep hoping for my H, too.
Joie
That's true. I kind of think a lot of our WAS are addicts: be it alcohol or OP or whatever. They all have that addictive personality, and they say they have to hit bottom before they can truly get better. So I do hope this will be it for your H, Sue. And so glad to see you back here!!! Karen
Is there room for more compassion for the unfaithful one?
Why the "F" are you still calling her? doesn't sound like a very compassionate approach.
I get where you are coming from, but it isn't attractive. Can you empathize with him more? You've read the books on affairs being like addiction? Can you talk to him about that? About how hard it is to break it off. About how people describe it like an addiction - they know it isn't a good thing but somehow, they cannot stop? And then they start thinking, maybe it's not such a bad thing. then they rationalize and start blaming other people. Maybe if you took a joint problem-solving approach instead of a "why the F* are you calling her?!!!" approach, it would allow him to open up a little more.
Just an idea.
SPM - It simply feels good . To break contact or give up the dream of being with this OM/OW is as hard and as painful as what you are going through.
Trouble is you dont have to go through it, that other person is probably waiting. Being torn between family and lust is tough but even tougher to give up the person who is presently giving you everything you THINK you need.
A little empathy might be required. Not acceptance but your spouse needs a soft place to land if you are asking them to give it all up.
I am agreeing with your post about more empathy . Just adding my reasons why I think there should be empathy.
And what about empathy for Sue, the LBS? If you know anything about Sue or her sitch, you'd realize the "Why the F are you still calling her" is not her usual approach. (And she admitted that after a night out, it was a mistake to bring up the phone call.)
The hurt, pain, and despair that a LBS goes through is horrendous. We GAL and act 'as if' but we're only human after all. So she lost her temper. After all she's been through with her H, I don't blame her. Sometimes it's simply a matter of how much crap you want to take.
They say compassion is a 2-way street, and I say empathy is as well.
I'm not blaming. just suggesting. I know what it means to be a LBS. I know it's hard.
I hear you ... I know she knows it was not good to bring up. I've done the same thing in my sitch. Sometimes you just have to boil over or you'll explode!
I wonder if exploding achieves anything ?
Of course it doesn't. But it's understandable.
Yes it is , it just doesn't get us anywhere. Very frustrating.
Sometimes exploding can be a 180. For Sue that is the case.
Hey Sue, just bumping you back up.
And maybe, just maybe, your H *needs* you to fight for him. To call him on his 'slips', to say with no doubt "This is what I want. You decide what you want. I'll make it without you".
Hope things are going well!
Hi everyone!!
I have to reply to the post about empathy or compassion toward either my H or me. Max & Sir, please don't take this in any wrong way. I know that anger doesn't help the situation, however, for those who do know me, they know that it's typically a big 180 for me to stand up and get angry like that. No, it wasn't right for me to come home after having been out, to wake up my H and yell like I did. However, I was angry for a couple of reasons. My H was supposed to have gone to my event with me. Instead, he chose to stay home....and on top of that, he chose to call OW. I blew. I had had my limit of let downs for the night. I'm trying to control any anger I have, but I am not going to keep my mouth shut any more either. I feel a change in myself. I really do. I think my H sees it too. I think he see how I haven't backed down and how I'm still doing the things that SueS wants to do.
Okay, last week was sooooo busy at work. My boss had a complete meltdown last week with me in his office. Yes, I took the brunt of it. Everything I said was either wrong or it wasn't enough. Got over that and he seemed like he was in a great mood....until this morning. He's a great guy but just has some times where he lets his temper get ahead of him.
Things at home have been good. H was quiet, but has been coming around more and more. We had a good weekend. We live really close to the Mall of America, so we did a little shopping and let D4 go on some rides. She had a great time. We ran a bunch of errands together and just relaxed. I also started some Christmas shopping. I got out by myself AGAIN and was able to just look around for some things to buy for D4 for Christmas.
Some of you may or may not remember that last summer/early fall, H and I took some pictures and a poster from a Springsteen concert in to get framed. Well, H paid for 1/2 of it and never went back to pick it up. His reasoning was that he didn't want it anymore....mainly because there was a picture of us. Well, he picked it up on Sat., and promptly hung it on our wall.
D4 and I have been searching for a costume for Halloween for her. She wants to be a Cowgirl. We found some material and I've decided to make part of it. So far, so good. She likes what I picked out and it's coming out pretty good. I worked on that most of yesterday, totally neglecting my other cleaning & laundry....oh well, it will get done!
D4 sings in church this coming Sunday. She talked to H and he said that he would pencil her in for 8:30 on Sunday morning! She's excited that he's going to go.
Last Thursday was supposed to be H's court date. His attorney called and said that the court had delayed it yet again. So, nothing new on that end.
H's dad continues to get better!! He goes back next week for an appointment to see where to go next for the issues with his heart. We'll probably head down there in a few weeks to see him.
Well, I probably rambled a lot, but work has been so busy, that I just typed whatever came to my mind without much thought of putting it all together nice and neat!
Thanks for keeping up with me!
SueS
Hey Suzy Q,
You are right, it is a 180 for your to stand up and get mad at your H. Of course you know I'm the same way. I stood up to my H a couple of weeks ago, mainly out of anger. I too have seen improvements in him.
I think you got your H's attention when he had to sleep in his car. I think you are also doing the right thing by letting him know that you will no longer tolerate his disrespect for you.
Your DD is too cute. She's such a sweety. Good for you for working on her halloween costume instead of worrying about the house chores. What do you think she'll remember the most, the cowgirl costume or the clean house? They are only little once, enjoy it!
Glad to hear your FIL is doing better.
Hey Suze! I'm with you 100% on the blowup. You need to set boundaries with H, and you need to make them mean something when they are crossed. I think that's a huge 180 for you, and a good one (at least, every once in a while).
I loved hearing about the Springsteen poster. You know, my W never, ever TOLD me she was coming around - she just gradually showed it with her actions. I think this is a nice step in the right direction, and I celebrate it with you.
Hope things keep going better and better. Hugs!
Hey there sues... im so proud of you for standing up for yourself.. and i know that was hard for you and a BIG change for you. I do think he will get it as long as you stick to the plan. No more messing around with your head anymore, and i think he's getting the message!!
((((sues))))
You know, my W never, ever TOLD me she was coming around - she just gradually showed it with her actions.
Pretty much ditto in my sitch, too. And I agree with Rob about the boundaries and enforcing them, too!
Ok - then I guess that is good that H sees that you can get angry and you did have good reason.
I am so envious that you live next to Mall of America. What I wouldn't give to spend a week there. Top 100 places to go on my list. I live in New Zealand - our malls are tiny.
Oh to do christmas shopping there - i am off to buy a lottery ticket .
Sue!! Calling you out. Wanting to see how you are doing!
Still hoping Sue will pop in!
Hi everyone-
Wow, I didn't realize that it had been so long since the last time I posted. Work has been so incredibly busy for the past 3 weeks. I hardly have time to stop and think.
Things have been okay. H has been a little quiet lately. He's tired of his job. Nothing new on his court/dui situation yet. He goes back to court on Nov. 18th. A few changes that we're looking at making can't be decided until after his court date. I wonder how he likes sitting in limbo?? Probably not much.
H's dad has to go back in for surgery on an enlarged artery. He'll go in soon. The area that is an issue is too close to his kidney to just do a non-invasive procedure. They have to open him up. My BIL works for an express shipping company and can't take any time off in November. H talked about going down himself and taking a week off to help his dad after he gets out of the hospital. And, on the 31st of October was the 4 year anniversary of H's mom's death.
H has been drinking a little more lately, but has been staying home. He did get his license back. He's been talking more about buying a house, talking with D4 about getting a dog and doing more work to make our current place more inhabitable. He got a new cell phone and it's locked. Why? Likely because he knows that Sue snoops and it often makes me wonder if he still tries to contact her. I had a hard time late last week. I panicked a little. H works at 10:00 am on Fridays. He called me after dropping D4 off at 8:30 and told me that he was heading into work early and just chatted with me. I tried to call him at 9:15, 9:30... No answer. I got a hold of him at 11:00. He said that traffic had been bad and that they had a meeting right away when he got to work so he hadn't seen my calls. He hadn't called me back right away because he knew I was at D4's Halloween party. I've had a few panic attacks like that.
D4 is wonderful. She had a great time for Halloween. My parents came to town. My dad had a check up at the Mayo Clinic so they spent the weekend with us. It was fun. I gave my dad tickets to the MN Gopher football game on Sat. and he was in heaven. H went to dinner with us on Friday night and cooked for us on Sat. night and Sunday afternoon.
Just to back up a bit....the last weekend of Oct., H impressed me. We just hung out on Sat. (H worked), but on Sunday, H went to church with us (D4's class sang), took us to breakfast AND went to a kid's Halloween party at our community center with D4 and I. I thanked him a couple of times. On Monday, I emailed again saying thank you.
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to move on to another forum or not. I feel like I should move or at least poke my head around to see what others are doing to keep things moving in the right direction.
I haven't had a ton of time to do a lot for me lately. Oh wait, yes I did. Not FOR me, but it made me feel good. I volunteered at a food packaging event for Kids Against Hunger. It was fun. Other than that, not much for me. Have to get back to that. Don't get me wrong, I haven't reverted back to doing all for others and nothing for me. I'm still the stronger, changed person I became through all of this.
Well, I really need to run. Busy, Busy, Busy.
Take care- SueS
Glad to hear you are doing well.
On the cel...be careful. I would be curious if it was locked too.
I agree, why lock the phone? You need to tell him you have 'earned' the right to snoop anyway.
Other than that, Sue, I am so happy to see you and to know you are ok, doing well, and happy!!! Makes ME happy too.
I would just say to him, "Why do you lock your phone?" . . . and see what he says.
Puppy
Hi-
Well, I'm wondering if things are starting to slip again or if it will just take time to get through it all.
My cell has been on the fritz so guess what. I had to ask H if I could use his. I asked about it being locked. He got an attitude. I played around with it after he unlocked it....to the point of playing the tune that is assigned to OW's #. Yep, it's still in there. He got mad. I pushed again asking when the last time was that they talked.....was it really over. He said that it had been a few weeks since they'd talked and yes it was really over. Then why the locked phone? Why the special ring tone? Why is her number even still in his phone? He was angry, but told me a couple of times that it was over. I guess my heart wants to believe that it really is, but my head says it's not. My head keeps asking the question.....if she called today and said she was ready, would he leave us again? I asked him what right he felt he had to get angry with ME that he still was contacting her? He said he wasn't mad. I told him that I'm trying and that I'm going to keep trying but that he needs to end things once and for all.
I see H doing things that show that he's ready to move forward for us. Finding information on buying a house. Making some plans for future things for us. The actions are there....in a way, but he's quiet and a little cold. I want to scream that I'm tired and that I don't want to be anyone's second choice anymore.
Still nothing on the DUI situation. Again, the next court date is 11/18. H's dad goes in for surgery on 11/17. Looks like H may be spending Thanksgiving with his dad. If that happens, D4 and I will head out to my parent's house. Otherwise, we'll probably stick around here and decorate for Christmas that weekend.
Well, it's still been really busy at work so I guess I'll stop by again when I can.
SueS
Hello,
I have never posted to you before but I have followed your sitch for a long time. I have seen you grow so strong (moving out on your own, standing up for you and D4 and becoming vocal with H). What you said about your heart and head make so much sense. My only comment to you is you been through this before - your H had an A years ago, he came back and he did not let you deal with it then, he seems to be doing the same thing again. Will you be able to handle a third one? Until you both deal with this all open and honestly will you always be waiting for the other shoe to drop? I hate how he is always turning it onto you - like this has been all your fault.
Be strong and sometime the head is way smarter than the heart!
HB
Hi everyone-
I can't believe it's been a week since my last post. Not a lot of activity at home. H has still been quiet. We took D4 out for dinner and some fun on Saturday night. We all had a good time.
My FIL had surgery yesterday and seems to be doing well. H is planning on going to help him for about a week as soon as he's out of the hospital.
I'll likely take D4 to my parents for Thanksgiving. H works on Friday & Sat., so there's no use in us being here and not being able to spend time with him. It does bother me to leave him, especially since I know that he's talked to OW, but I have to do what I want to do, which is spend time with my family. If H wanted to, he could go out anyway if I were here.
Speaking of going out, H did go out last Friday night. He went to a concert with a co-worker. I wasn't happy about not being able to reach him, but everything pointed to him actually going with the co-worker and he was home at a decent time and wasn't drunk.
Strange thing happened last night. H's uncle called. He's always had our numbers mixed up and always calls my phone instead of H's. I let him know that H was working. I've always liked this uncle and have always felt very comfortable around him and talking to him. He brought up my BIL & SIL and their situation. I tried not to say a lot, but we eventually talked about my MIL (passed 4 yrs ago). She and I were never close. I always felt that she didn't care for me and that she felt like I took her son from her, as she saw my job as the reason we moved out of state. Little did she know that her son desperately wanted away. I came to understand more clearly last night that it wasn't my imagination. My MIL had a very dark side that came out, not only to me. The uncle asked how we were. He said, Sue, I talked to H one of the last times you two were here. He told me that H had told him that he just didn't feel comfortable letting certain things out to me. His uncle said...H, that's crazy, she's your wife, you've been together for 18 years. You can tell her anything. You've been through thick and thin together, through hell and back...you know she'd understand. He said, that H said, Uncle, there's just some things from when I was a kid that no one will ever understand. He made a similar comment to me months ago when he was drunk. So Sue's not crazy. There is something very wrong from the past. The uncle said, Sue, I don't know what happened, but something happened to him when he was young that tears him up and he doesn't think anyone will understand. He also told me that when anything happened with/to the boys, my MIL kept it well under wraps. She wanted no negative light on her family, despite how small it may have been. She would have put her image ahead of her kid's well being. My MIL also had A's behind my FIL's back. Apparently she drug her kids with to see this man & even had him over at their house while FIL was at work. How sick is that. My FIL once told me a story about when my BIL was a baby. He said that my MIL asked......FIL, if we were in a boat that started sinking and you could only save one of us, would it be me or the baby (BIL). My FIL said, the baby. His life has just begun....you've been able to live part of yours. FIL said that my MIL was very offended that he wouldn't save her.
D4 has Pink Eye. Fun, fun. She's an angel most of the time, but the devil sure comes out when she has to get the eye drops. We caught it right away, so it's not a bad case. I stayed home on Monday with her and took her to the doctor. She's back at school and happy as a clam!
In this horrible economy, H is actually wanting to apply for a new job. A friend he used to work with is with a company that has an open position. If it worked, it would put him closer to home. They have great benefits and his friend really likes it there. However, what scares me is that this friend went through a horrible D and is the one that H wanted to live with at one time. I am told though, that the friend would be known to encourage people to work on the M's. He wanted to save his.
Well, time to get a few last things done and then off to pick up D4.
Have a good evening.
SueS
Checking on you and hope your holidays are good!
Wow..did I miss something?Is she ok? Hopefully she and her family are having a great xmas!
Hey Sue you need to come by and update your thread. Hope all is going well. Merry Christmas!
kat
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Well, how does that song go by OAR? How many times will I break 'til I shatter....
All kinds of questions run through my mind....
So, back in September, early October, H was here. Fully here...affectionate, calling, emailing...etc. Then, mid-end of October...BAM! He shut down. No hugs, no holding me, no kisses...etc. It set in right around the time that he got his license back full time. I tried to see past it and keep life as it was. I didn't stop my affection. In fact, maybe I pushed too much. There were times that I pushed and said that I wanted my husband back. Oh, nothing done yet on the DUI situation. His court date keeps getting pushed back.
We'd been getting along, but my suspicions started to grow again when he would call from work and give me the full run down of what he was going to do. He'd call and say....okay, I'm going to stick around for just a little longer, then I'm going to stop here or there...or I'm going to run out for a beer with my co-worker....I'll be home by..... If I would try to call him back, the calls would go unanswered. Then, when he did answer, he was angry. WHY? Why be angry that I'm calling? One particular night he called to say that he'd been SUPER busy so he'd be at work for a while longer and then was going to head out for a beer and he'd be home fairly early. I forgot to ask him something and called him back at work 2 minutes later. His voicemail was already set to say he was gone for the day....tried his cell....no answer.
So, this past Saturday I checked his phone. Yes, I'd seen calls to/from OW. No calls when I looked on Sat., but I did find a picture. It was of H. He was in his car, smiling. Clearly someone else had taken it of him. Yesterday I asked him about it. He kept saying that he was goofing around with his phone and that it was nothing. I pushed further and asked about the lack of affection. I told him, you know, we have sex and you sleep in our bed, but you don't hold me, you don't hug me, kiss me....etc. He said, I haven't done that in a while. I said, WRONG....you did that when you first came back and then by the end of October, you shut it all off again. I asked him if he'd seen that I'd been trying to make things work. He said...you're trying because you have to, not because you want to. He then told me that his feelings hadn't changed. That he had come back because of D4. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Oh, let's not forget the portion of the conversation where he reminded me that this all started not long after we moved to MN. In other words, putting it back on me.
I know full well that things have ramped up again with OW and that's why he's backing away again. I wanted to tell him to get out right then and there, but then I've seen how happy D4 has been since he's been back and we've been getting along. I'd forgo my own happiness for hers but I don't think I can live with him if he continues to see OW. I'm putting myself right back where I was.
I can't remember if I posted this, but a little over a month or so ago I spoke with OW's H. He confirmed my fear. He said that OW came home one day from work the beginning of September and told him that she'd ended it with my H. She told him that she was willing to be his wife and a good mother. She said that she was going to put her feelings in a box for now. In OW's H's words...."in so many words, she told me that he (my H) still has her heart". He said that they've been getting along, but that he'd confirmed with their oldest D, that OW and my H still communicate constantly. I knew in my heart that my H hadn't ended things or that they had made some sort of pact that it wasn't really over. I knew that because I never saw my H go through one single bit of withdrawl or unhappiness. I just kept hoping that it was over. I did push my H from time to time. He kept saying.....yes, it's really over.
Now I guess I'm numb all over again. The one thing that gives me joy (D4) actually had to comfort her own mommy yesterday. I cried and slept all day. I tried to keep it away from her but it wasn't easy.
Well, I'm ready for the feedback. I'm ready for the....You should have seen it coming....
I'm sorry that I haven't been here in so long. I should have known better than to stop posting. Part of it was because work has been busy and I still don't have internet hooked up at home.
Thanks everyone!
Sue, my honey, it's why I have stayed away from your thread....and I suspect it's why your posting has been sp sporadic. You KNEW this was coming.
There's no "I told you so's" - there is only love (((((HUGS)))))) and sympathy from us here who are your friends. The biggest fool here is your H - what a stupid stupid man he is. And don't for one minute think he came back for D4 - he came back because he had no where else to go - he was sleeping in a car for goodness sakes. Well send him back there Sue. You deserve so much better and so does your D and you will not find it with this dead beat hanging on to you. YOU are WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!
Get read of this man and heal yourself so that you can find a good man who will value the very special person that you are. Let's face it, even OW knows that your H is not reliable material - she is just willing to toy with him at your expense.
Hi Saffie-
Yes, I did know this was coming. I just didn't want to admit it to anyone, most of all myself. I even told H a month or so ago during a little discussion that I was scared that he was only holding on until OW was ready to move forward again. That I was scared that in six months, a year, two years, five years he would come home one day and tell me that he was leaving. Maybe that's why although this does hurt really bad, I'm still able to function today. I knew it was coming.
SueS
I think we all did, Sue. But we're not ready to hear until we're ready to hear. I know I wasn't.
(((((hugs)))))
Puppy
I am so sorry Sue. I find sometimes you aren't ready to even read the message until you are. You can read the words but they won't sink in (or make much sense) until you are ready. Same in this situation, you didn't want to see this as a possible situation so you didn't until you were ready to deal with the information.
You know what you need to do. Bless you and your angel.
kat
I am so sorry. I kept checking back to see what was happening as I had a feeling. I only had that feeling because I lived the same nightmare. I too accepted my h back and found that he was still in contact with OW. I finally kicked his a** out in July. Can't say its been easy...go read my threads but I do feel some sense of control for once.
When you told me about the locking of the phone I instantly knew. These guys are good at what they do. My h also got a DUI and is now walking when he comes to see baby.
Hang in there. I will always be here.
((((((Suzy))))))),
I was afraid something was wrong since you had been so quiet. My heart is breaking for you. You say that DD4 is happier when H is around, well she won't be happy if Mommy is crying and upset all the time. Please get him out of the house. You need some space. You can't continue to walk on eggshells with him. He does not deserve you. You are his wife, not his caretaker. I know that I'm not a good one to give advice, but please know that I care so much for you, and I'm here for you.
Yoyo
You say that DD4 is happier when H is around, well she won't be happy if Mommy is crying and upset all the time.
I agree. I hate that my girls have seen my cry a handful of times over xH. They shouldn't have to see that, nor try to take care of me.
Nor should your D4.
I emailed you, but will add some hard stuff (don't hate me)....I feel that your H and OW had a 'plan' to cool down for awhile, but they never ended it. I feel that OW got cold feet about putting a plan in action, but your H has always been waiting. I feel he used you when he had nowhere to go (after the DUI, and license thing). I feel that he would have left you and D4 if he had the money/freedom to do so.
Here's something though my friend: Your husband loves you. Your husband loves your daughter. I don't think this has ever changed. But we have learned from this board that love isn't enough sometimes. Your husband lacks strength and integrity.
Take your time, and make your decisions for you. We are here for you, and would never relish in the 'I told you so's'...
I'm sorry to hear that Sue. My biggest worry for you has been that it seemed like everything was swept under the rug again and not dealt with head-on. I know from my personal experience that things won't get better long-term if they aren't dealt with up front. Learned that lesson the hard way
I emailed you, but will add some hard stuff (don't hate me)....I feel that your H and OW had a 'plan' to cool down for awhile, but they never ended it. I feel that OW got cold feet about putting a plan in action, but your H has always been waiting. I feel he used you when he had nowhere to go (after the DUI, and license thing). I feel that he would have left you and D4 if he had the money/freedom to do so.
Here's something though my friend: Your husband loves you. Your husband loves your daughter. I don't think this has ever changed. But we have learned from this board that love isn't enough sometimes. Your husband lacks strength and integrity.
I do agree with this for sure. I do believe he loves you just as mine still does too at times...the just lack integrity.
Please don't put up with this any longer. Kick him out. Don't give him a time frame, just get it done. Its hard to do, but really you are doing this on your own anyway. The only thing that will change is your peace of mind knowing you are no longer used and manipulated by this man.
Respect yourself!!
Now I guess I'm numb all over again. The one thing that gives me joy (D4) actually had to comfort her own mommy yesterday. I cried and slept all day. I tried to keep it away from her but it wasn't easy.
Well, I'm ready for the feedback. I'm ready for the....You should have seen it coming....
So glad you posted Sue!!! My feedback is that it sounds like you are blaming yourself. I don't think you should!!! I mean what are you guilty of: wanting to believe the best in your H, wanting to hold the family together for your D4, being loyal and faithful and wanting to save your marriage. I mean everyone here is trying to do the same thing you know. I don't think you should blame yourself for the actions of your H. You can't do a marriage when only one person is doing all the work and there are 3 in the R and all that stuff.
You yourself posted for me to stop doing it when I went through a guilty phase, saying "I shoulda, I coulda,...You did what you thought was best at the time for your family. Continue to do that and things will work out ok in the end. I do think you've given your H as many chances as he deserves, but I'm sure you already know that. We love you, Sue!!! Karen
Hi everyone-
It's been a busy day. It's cold here and I'm feeling horrible for my mom. Her boss of nearly 25 years is not doing well and isn't expected to see the New Year. She's his only office employee and is treated like family by him, his wife & kids. She's so upset.
The evening at home was fine. A bit quiet, but I played with D4 a lot (games, puzzles...etc). H and I didn't discuss anything further, but we both know we need to. He talked to me yesterday and today as if it were a normal day, calling before I left work and also on his way home.
I'm ready for my 2 days off. D4's daycare is closed tomorrow & Thursday. YEAH! Tomorrow will just be a girl's day, as H will be working. No discussion of whether he's going out or not. I'll be home. Might try to go have a beer with a friend on Friday, if she's available. I'm going to start looking at more SUE things to do. I could really use a pedicure and some exercise!
Thanks for responding....really, it helped a lot.
Have a great New Year. I hope we all see a wonderful 2009.
SueS
I am glad you will get out and do things for you, but I still think you need to make some concrete decisions about your future with H and follow up on them. Are you willing to be the backup plan for H while he waits for OW? That is pretty much what is happening and the past history has proven that he will not change and will keep doing this. Remember how painful it was to watch him walk out the door knowing he will be with OW? I would hate to see you go thru this.
I think you need to do a complete 180 on him. Not for him, for you! Honestly, I think he needs a place to stay and be with D4 until OW is ready to flee her M. Please don't be that doormat.
Sorry to be so harsh but your H makes me sick. He is such a cake eater.
I am glad you will get out and do things for you, but I still think you need to make some concrete decisions about your future with H and follow up on them. Are you willing to be the backup plan for H while he waits for OW? That is pretty much what is happening and the past history has proven that he will not change and will keep doing this. Remember how painful it was to watch him walk out the door knowing he will be with OW? I would hate to see you go thru this.
I think you need to do a complete 180 on him. Not for him, for you! Honestly, I think he needs a place to stay and be with D4 until OW is ready to flee her M. Please don't be that doormat.
Sorry to be so harsh but your H makes me sick. He is such a cake eater.
I am glad you will get out and do things for you, but I still think you need to make some concrete decisions about your future with H and follow up on them. Are you willing to be the backup plan for H while he waits for OW? That is pretty much what is happening and the past history has proven that he will not change and will keep doing this. Remember how painful it was to watch him walk out the door knowing he will be with OW? I would hate to see you go thru this.
I think you need to do a complete 180 on him. Not for him, for you! Honestly, I think he needs a place to stay and be with D4 until OW is ready to flee her M. Please don't be that doormat.
Sorry to be so harsh but your H makes me sick. He is such a cake eater.
x2.
Sue, I have been thinking of you tonight. Please take care, and I hope you know, you can do anything. You can survive anything. You are Mommy, after all.
(((Sue)))
Sue,
I'm so sorry your H hasn't changed and ended things with OW
I agree with starting over and lwb. Kick his sorry *ss out and move on with your life. You were finding your strength and peace with D4 and allowed him to manipulate you and use you. He has NOT changed one bit. This isn't your fault. Just as you can't heal in this situation, D4 can't adjust to some form of a "normal" future with your H there. It isn't going to be long before she understands exactly what is going on. Please get both of you off of the roller coaster.
I'll be thinking of you!
Sue,
I haven't been here in a while but when I do I check to see how you are doing. You helped me through my hard times in the past.
I know where you are and feel your afraid to take the step. That he is there right now and just maybe something might change for the better.
It seems so clear to me what he is doing because I lived it the same way. The last time mine left he thought for sure I would "rescue" him and bring him home just to do the same old things over and over again. No change, no work on their part, but always wanting someone else to take care of them.
Mine went through duis, and I helped him get on his feet, get his license, another job if he lost it. But then that was all forgotten and he acted as if I didn't do it for him at all. His words were what have you done for me? He said he took care of me the whole time and I did nothing.
After the 2nd or was it the 3rd time of helping him, I felt used. When he left, yes I was hurt but I had that bigger feeling of being used. It still makes me feel inadequate to trust anyone else for fear they don't mean what they say but are saying it to get what they want.
Sue, I feel for you, that it could happen to you. Even if you were to set him off on his way, if he was in dire straights, you would feel "pity" on him and take him back in. Not necessarily cause you want him but feel bad for him. That is because your a nice and caring person and he feeds off of your true and geniune feelings and uses you because of it.
I wish you the best in no matter what you decide to do. But just be aware of a alcoholics mind and what they do. Take care of Sue and your d first. I feel so much better now that I am apart and see from a different perspective what mine was about cause I am not living with him day in and day out. I have a life of peace and knowing what I want. Yes its hard to do by myself but it was truly harder to do with another one that needed more attention and time then my own child. I do want a partner in life, not another child to take care of. Remember when you were a teenager and went out and your parents had a time limit or curfew? I don't want my partner to be that teenager. As a parent, my time for a teenager would be limited to my child not my partner. Believe me, the influences they have on your child might not be what you agree to as they grow older.
Good luck to you and happy new year!
Sue, have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? If not, I encourage you to do so. You will get great support but also hear some similar things from various people. Alcoholics are great liars and manipulators. My exMIL, after 20 years in Alanon, said that anything that comes from an alcoholics mouth is probably a lie or a tool. They do what they need to do and say what they need to say.
I am so sorry. I feel your pain.
Hello!
Well, here we are in 2009! Happy New Year everyone!
Not a very eventful new year's eve. D4 and I had a great "stay at home day" (that's what she calls a day off) on New Years Eve. H called from work and talked to us a couple of times. He went out for a few hours with co-workers (that's what he said anyway). He was home by 9:00. He'd obviously had a few drinks. Wasn't really drunk, but it didn't take more than a few beers at home to put him out for the night. That was my clue that he had actually been out for beers.
I want to say thank you to everyone for all the support.
Joyful....HI!! Thanks for coming back to lend me your thoughts. I'm glad I was able to help in the past. And I'm glad you're hear helping me. I hate to say it, but you're right. I would let him back in. I guess I need to head back to my counselor and talk to her about me. Not me and H, but me. It's only been in the past year that I've realized that so much of being the child of an alcoholic truly has affected the way I am today. I don't want to use it as an excuse. I talked to my mom about it a few months back. My grandfather was also an alcoholic. He was abusive, as where my dad was just a sloppy drunk. Never abused us or my mom. I asked my mom a lot of questions. It was amazing how alike we are. My mom is a very, very giving person. She is the first to step up and help someone. I've always seen my mom as someone who isn't really afraid to step up. She admitted to me that it takes everything she has to do that. Everything she has to put herself out there, to be the center of attention in anything. I told her that it's almost painful for me to be that person too. How it's so incredibly uncomfortable to be the fun, joking person until I really get to know you. I've so often been told by my friends that I'm a completely different person once they get to know me.
starting.....I have gone to an Alanon meeting. It's been a very long time now, but I did go. It's hard to get your H to understand why you'd want to attend an Alanon meeting when they don't think that there's an alcoholic in the family. I think that deep down my H does know that he has a problem.....it's just not cool to admit it. I also think that the main reason that he keeps putting off his court date isn't because of this or that coming up.....it's because he knows that the judge will make him abide by the Substance Abuse Counselor's suggestion of him abstaining from alcohol for 6 months. It also makes me wonder if that's part of his cooling off with me. Obviously not the major part, but a part of it. I spoke very honestly with the counselor about his problem and how it has affected us. She did note that in the paperwork sent to the courts.....and a copy to H.
I don't know where my heart or my mind is right now. They're both all over the place. I'm trying to find something to concentrate on and even that is hard. It was very comforting yesterday to sit my D4 and read books, work on puzzles and see her happy face.
Have a good Friday!
SueS
Sue,
With all love, compassion and due respect, you're avoiding your problem -- again.
You need a plan. YOUR plan (not ours). We're here to help you, but you need to DECIDE to do it.
The status quo isn't healthy for you -- OR your daughter.
Hugs,
Puppy
Hello!
starting.....I have gone to an Alanon meeting. It's been a very long time now, but I did go. It's hard to get your H to understand why you'd want to attend an Alanon meeting when they don't think that there's an alcoholic in the family. I think that deep down my H does know that he has a problem.....it's just not cool to admit it. I also think that the main reason that he keeps putting off his court date isn't because of this or that coming up.....it's because he knows that the judge will make him abide by the Substance Abuse Counselor's suggestion of him abstaining from alcohol for 6 months. It also makes me wonder if that's part of his cooling off with me. Obviously not the major part, but a part of it. I spoke very honestly with the counselor about his problem and how it has affected us. She did note that in the paperwork sent to the courts.....and a copy to H.
Your H doesn't need to understand why you would go to an Alanon meeting. Its not for him, its for YOU! Believe me, I resisted for a long time and was in denial too. Your H is an alcoholic and alcoholics are weak people in character. He also doesn't want to quit drinking. That is obvious. If he has his DUI pending and is still going out for drinks and drinking at home, he has not hit bottom. Mine hasn't either from what I can tell. He is walking for the next year. No license! But I do believe he is still drinking at home.
A question for you..are you worried about sharing custody of D4 with your H if you split? I only ask because that is/was a big motivator for me and why I put up with the crap for so long. I don't think your H is a healthy nor safe person for your D4 to be around much unsupervised with his drinking and more than likely he will drink when he has her. You have alot of ammunition in your court right now with the dui. Use it soon. Legal matters like that go a long way in court. He has a problem and whether he faces it or not you must for your D4.
Infidelity is hard enough to take without throwing an addiction in the midst. I struggle every single day, but I do have a peaceful home away from the manipulation, chaos and unhealthy lifestyles. Once you do make the move and get away from it, you will see it as well.
Forgive me for being harsh. I don't mean to be, I just know what you are feeling. You want to believe he can change...maybe he can but right now he is sucking the life out of you.
Starting-
Okay, so I no longer have an excuse of why I can't attend an Alanon meeting. I got on the website today and located one just down the street.......that meets on Wed. at 11:30 am. Perfect for me. I can take an early lunch and won't have to worry about D4.
My sights are set on next Wednesday's meeting.
SueS
YEAH! I am smiling. Trust me, I know what you are thinking. Give the meetings some time and listen to the others. You will hear similarities in everyone's stories. Also, research about infidelity and alcholism. They sort of go hand in hand in a way.
I am happy you are trying a meeting. It will give you some control of your own life. Also, go read my sich. There are some similarities to yours as well....DUI, OW, not letting go, hiding and secrets.
Have a great weekend.!
Okay, so I no longer have an excuse of why I can't attend an Alanon meeting. I got on the website today and located one just down the street
Excellent, Sue! This is splendid news and I am certain you are making the right choice.
Love, Hugs, and Blessings.
It's Wednesday and I'm ready to call it a week!! Having 2 days off each of the previous 2 weeks was nice. Now back to full weeks.
Feeling really low today. Nothing has happened around home. I know what should be done, but can't get myself to do it. I want my family and I'm crushed that it's not working. I don't get it. On Sunday D4 and I got up for church. It was very cold out. H went out and warmed up my vehicle and scraped all the windows. Yet yesterday he snapped at me about getting it fixed, as if he didn't want to help me with anything.
I'm having problems with my vehicle so I can't go to the Al-Anon meeting today. Thankfully I work for a rental car company and our vehicle repair manager is helping me take it over to a trustworthy person to have it looked at.
Work has been busy, so that's kept my mind busy. I'm going out with a friend on Friday for dinner so that will help too.
Have a good day everyone.
SueS
Good to hear from you. I check in daily to see if you posted.
How is your H behaving? I know that making that final decision to make a move is tough. I remember how strong you were back in the summer. You were ready to do it on your own. You can do it again.
Like my situation your H has done this twice now. Unlikely without some serious soul searching and help and of course the 'want' to change he won't change. He will do this as long as he is allowed.
I hope that you are making some plans to move on with your own life apart from him.
I check in daily too.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Hey Sue, have lurked here and there, but I just feel like I need to say this. Take it or leave it, but my sitch has addiction and an A. If I have learned ANYTHING from this situation it is that addicts are liars. They will tell you whatever they think you need to hear so they can maintain their addiction. My H is all about the "status quo" and will do anything he has to in order to keep it, his gambling has just about cost him everything and it is still not enough for him to stop or change, but as long as we are all still playing along, there is no reason to change.
Like my situation your H has done this twice now. Unlikely without some serious soul searching and help and of course the 'want' to change he won't change. He will do this as long as he is allowed.
Exaclty what I was saying.
The Alanon meeting is for you. There are people there that have similar experiences and its good for learning coping techniques as well as a good support group.
Anyway, take it for what its worth. In the end we all have to do what is right for us, but you also have to consider how this is affecting your D. I feel for you.
Starting-
H has been okay. Up and down I guess. He's been quiet, but has again mentioned "us" things. Well, more family things. He wanted the 3 of us to go to dinner this weekend. He has a court date coming up and I think that's probably running through his head. One thing is that he has always wanted to do is work for the railroad. He has been doing a lot of research on that and applied locally. His dad and uncle were life long railroad workers. He knows it's a tough row to hoe, but he sees the benefits to it too. Well, that is absolutely out of the question if he does get a DUI conviction. You cannot have a drinking related offense within 2 years. Maybe this sounds silly or like I'm reaching, but there are times that I feel like H looks for ways to stop drinking. He KNOWS that a railroad job would mean little to no drinking, as they do surprise checks.
I know that I could do this by myself again. I just let myself get back into a bit of a comfort zone. I have been thinking about what I need to do to go on alone. One of the things is to get to the Al-Anon meetings. I need that support. I've been asking myself WHY so many times over the past year. I blame myself and then take a step back and see the reasons it happened on both our parts. I know that I made mistakes, but ultimately his drinking has been the main issue. I knew before I married him what his drinking was like. I guess I was one of the people that thought.....once we're married he'll change.....when we move away from his friends he'll change.....when we have a baby he'll change. I remember him promising me that when I got pregnant he'd stop since I couldn't drink. He didn't. I never took the time to research or go to meetings to realize that his drinking was his issue and I can't change that.
My mom and I have had talks about how alike we are. We're the adult children of alcoholics.....we're the fixers. The ones that think that if we just fix this or that it will change things. If my house is clean he'll be better, if this or that is in order he'll be better....etc. You know what I mean. So, I know what you mean about how he won't change unless HE truly wants to. My dad was the exact same way. He drank for YEARS. He had multiple DUI's. He got lucky.....the state systems weren't connected at that time so one state didn't know what he had in another state. My dad worked out of town all the time. He was good in the way that he would call my sister and I each and every time that we had an event to see how it went and to tell us how proud he was of us. However, he was not dependable. We could never have friends over because we never knew if how he'd come home. He was not an abusive man. We went through treatment with him. My mom threatened divorce. One day about 9 years ago he was stopped on his way back from SD to MN to work. He'd picked up his 6-pack and had been drinking on the way. He stopped at a rest stop. He got busted. He vowed to quit right then. He went to an out patient treatment on his own. We all told him that we loved him but that we couldn't do it with him this time. He understood. He has not touched one drop since. He was not a hard liquor drinker. Just a six pack+ each night after work. He admitted to us that all the times we asked him to stop he did it temporarily to get us off his back. He said one day it just hit him that if he didn't do it he'd die, kill someone else or lose everthing he had. By that time he had 3 grandchildren that he realized he wanted to see grow up.
I just pray that my H sees the light before he gets that old. My dad told me that during his last treatment a young guy (late 20's) asked him what his biggest regret was. He said, Not stopping when I was your age. My H is somewhat like my dad. They function. They do their jobs and they do them very well. They didn't/don't have to drink every day. However, when they did/do drink, they couldn't/can't stop. The drinking goes on until it's all gone.....or until they fall asleep. I stopped to think about things over the past week. Between last Wed.-Monday, H brought home at least a case of beer. There are 2 left. He also "stopped off" for a couple on Friday night. That's over 4 beers a night. Obviously his pending DUI has had no lasting effect on him. He hasn't even come close to bottom.
Well, enough of my rambling. Guess I just needed to get some thoughts off my mind.
Oh, let's add to the list of "what else could make SueS life bad". Had to get 4 new tires on my vehicle today. $$$$, but now I'll feel safer.
Thanks- SueS
Saffie - Hi there sweetie!! I can feel you lurking!! I think about you often.
S&S- Thank you. You're not the only one that lurks. I look at your thread all the time too. I understand what you mean. At first I thought that the lying was just to me. I've come to realize that I've seen it extend to other people so it must be happening with OW too. He's got to be telling her a load of crap too or she wouldn't be sticking around. I remember OW's H telling me that he was under the impression that my H had made a lot of promises to OW. It really hurt at first. Then I stopped, stepped back and remembered......he's made a lot of promises to me and others too....and doesn't keep those. Like you said, just to keep things status quo. Can you imagine leaving your H, taking your 4 kids away with you, tearing up your family and entire life just to find out that what you thought was your dream life is nothing what you thought it would be?
SueS
Sue... Hi...
Sorry to hear about your H. I think we get to the point where we can't take anymore -- only you will know when you're there. I'm considering posting again if I get my courage up. I've had some bad news lately, too
.
Can you imagine leaving your H, taking your 4 kids away with you, tearing up your family and entire life just to find out that what you thought was your dream life is nothing what you thought it would be?
I think that's called a REALITY CHECK!
If you try the Alanon meeting let me know how it goes. I have yet to take that step myself.
((( HUGS )))
Joie
((Hugs))
Remember alcoholics are master manipulators. He maybe saying the 'us' stuff to keep you satisfied and not moving on your own. He knows that if he throws a few crumbs your way its enough to keep you pacified. I hate sounding harsh but its what they do. Your H doesn't want to quit drinking, he doesn't want to give up OW completely and he doesn't want to do the essential work to reconcile your M.
I am almost 6 months out. I still hurt alot but now I look back at all the crap I endured for so long. How long I looked away at the behaviors that are so unacceptable. The drinking for one. I thought I could love H enough so he would quit. Didn't happen. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. So if he doesn't get help then its only going to get worse. The infidelity and his need for external validation...I looked away for so long. I begged, pleaded, threatened and pretended like it wasn't happening. I thought if I stopped nagging he would see what a prize wife I was and give her up. Didn't happen. I don't see all of this happening for you either.
I look back now and am disgusted with the crap I put up with for so many years. I hate what I put my older kids through, and am happy baby will not have to see it. In no way, shape or form is alcoholism and infidelity healthy for a child. D4 will realize it.
So what if your H sleeps in his car, or ends up with OW! Yes, it hurts like hell but who wants to be second fiddle to a bottle or a loser like OW? You are much better than that!
Hi Sue,
I am responding to your post on Mel's thread. My thread is in the Newcomers forum:
DB Help Live With Alcoholic Depressed Husband? I haven't really posted too much yet. I have some replies to get to, but may not until late today or tomorrow. I am getting ready to go to work right now and it's going to be a busy day.
Will be back later!
Thanks,
Rustie
checking in to see how you were doing!!! I bet you are freezing there.
Good morning-
A quick post this morning. Hi Starting. Yes, cold this morning here in MN. It's -21 with a -40 wind chill. It's a definate "stay in" day.
I haven't been on much due to work & home. D4 has been sick. A sore throat and a low grade fever. I was home with her yesterday and will be with her this afternoon. H works late today.....and it's his court date. I told my mom that I'd like to be there to see what happens. Not for support, but to hear exactly what the judge has to say. I don't think I'll get the entire story if I'm not there. BUT, with D4 sick, that's not going to happen.
Well, busy busy day. I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't made the Al-Anon meeting yet. Last Wed. my tires caused me to have my car in the shop and yesterday D4 was sick. I WILL GET THERE!!
Take care- SueS
I told my mom that I'd like to be there to see what happens. Not for support, but to hear exactly what the judge has to say. I don't think I'll get the entire story if I'm not there. BUT, with D4 sick, that's not going to happen.
I wonder perhaps if the transcript will be in the Public Record?
Puppy
I told my mom that I'd like to be there to see what happens. Not for support, but to hear exactly what the judge has to say. I don't think I'll get the entire story if I'm not there. BUT, with D4 sick, that's not going to happen.
I wonder perhaps if the transcript will be in the Public Record?
Puppy
No they generally are not. But you can call the DA and ask. That is what I did.
Thank you both for the suggestions. I'll see what he says and then go from there.
SueS
Just thinking about you. Hope you and your pretty D4 are doing ok!
lwb- HEY LADY! Gosh, I need to email you. I've missed being in touch with you and everyone else.
I was out of work most of last week with D4. She has strep throat. She's been treated for about 4 days now, so she's back at school today and I'm back at work. It was a rough couple of days/nights when she was sick. Neither one of us slept much.
Happy week.....my oldest niece turns 21 on Thursday. My sister and I are just 2 1/2 years apart. She had hers early....me, late. But I love it. My nieces (especially the oldest) are so wonderful with D4. She just adores them all.
I don't have a lot to comment about on H. His court date was Thursday. They've decided to take their chances and go to a jury trial. That happens on March 30th. The attorney felt that having the judge rule right then and there that it would not go in H's favor. I feel like they're just dragging out the inevitable. H said that he'd likely get a fine and probation if convicted. I asked what probation would entail, but he didn't know. Hopefully it would include some type of counseling & mandatory testing.
Well, I'll catch up again soon. BUSY, BUSY. It's a BIG catch up day.
SueS
I wish it would be more intensive counseling and testing. My exh just finished his 2nd DUI court issues and he got community service, fines, loss of license for a year and DUI classes. I was hoping that the classes would be more AA type therapy but I don't think they are. From what I hear its all people just doing their time for their DUI's.
Hi Starting
I wish it would be more intensive counseling and testing.
Yeah, I guess I'd have to try to find out what MN does for probation. My parents live in SD. My mom said that they have an employee that has to be tested every day. The counselor here gave me the impression that if her recommendation sticks, that his having to abstain would be mandatory. Now, I guess I'd have to call her to find out how that works.
OKAY!! One bit of good news I have to share today. Despite my own personal M problems, I got very special news today. My oldest niece (turns 21 on Thursday), became engaged. She is with a wonderful guy and I am very happy for her. She's a very driven, motivated, beautiful, smart.... woman. She was crying when she called and was so excited. She already said that she wants D4 as her flower girl! Cute. D4 will be thrilled, as they are 2 peas in a pod....very much alike. I told my niece at one time that with her in D4's corner, she's a very lucky little girl.
Back to work!!
SueS
Sues,
That's wonderful news about your neice. Your DD will be a precious flowergirl!
Hugs, Yoyo
That is great news!
I hope that is what your H gets. Its sure what my exh needs. I am sure he just puts his time in these classes and is done. In fact, someone saw him buying a 12 pack of beer on the way home from the meeting the other night. Nothing is sinking in.
Starting-
Well, I did this LONG update to the bb on Friday before I left work. Something became all mangled in my system and nothing saved. I was so mad and frustrated that I shut everything down and went home!
H is still at home. Things have been okay with us. Of course not perfect and not much has changed, but for right now, I'm okay.
I have done a few things for myself lately. I have an appointment this Sat. for a cut/color. I can't wait. The color has waited too long and my hair really needs to be cut. It's a treat from my mom. Not something I couldn't do on my own, but she asked if she could treat me to it. Of course I said yes. I sold a few items that I no longer needed and with that money did some shopping for D4 and I. I also......wait for this.....joined a health club. I'll be starting that this week. I'm anxious to get started and to take off some of this weight that I've put on the past 3-4 months and just feel better about me. H gave me some grief about it....saying that it didn't sound like a great deal. I ended up negotiating a much better rate. I struck right back at H telling him that if he felt it wasn't a great deal, then he should have gotten me in at his club. I've always felt like H wants me to be this certain type of person, but whenever I try to be that....or better myself, H comes up with a way to make me feel like I shouldn't do this or that. Now, I know what I just said....when I try to be what H wants.....didn't sound right. I've come to realize that I need to be happy for me and not for H. I know that. Hence, not really giving a 2nd thought to what H thinks about the club I joined, in addition to a few other issues lately.
My parents are coming in this weekend to visit. My mom bought me a book and I can't wait to read it. It was recommended to my niece that is having a lot of health issues. It's called "You Gotta Keep Dancin". She said that it's a great book about having joy in your life and realizing that you have to stop living your life saying things like....if I'd only get that raise I'd be happy. I'm anxious to get it.
I've been in touch with one of our DB friends and she put me in touch with an Al-Anon on-line group. I haven't visited it as much as I should, but I'll get going.
Not a great deal else going on. I felt great on Friday, but I'm feeling a bit low today for some reason. Just not feeling the best. I haven't slept well lately and I've been having more headaches. Not fun.
Well, I really need to get back to work. I'll be on soon again.
SueS
Hi Sue,
Good deal about the health club - nothing like exercise to pump up your happy vibes! And do it to become the person YOU want to be!
Rob-
Wow, did my face light up when I saw that you'd posted to me!! Thanks. I'm excited about starting to workout again. I did it pre-child and I felt so good. Tried here and there since she came along, but since H is mostly still of the mindset of whatever he wants to do, he just does....it's been hard to find time. This place offers a monitored children's room that D4 can go into while I'm working out. I'd like it to be just MY time, but it helps that I can take her with me if I need.
I've had some very UP days lately. A few down ones too, but I expect those.
Have a great evening!
SueS
I've been lurking around, but sometimes a little distance from the DBing Drama is necessary.
Glad you are doing well!
Enjoy the cut/color. I just got mine done last week and I feel so much better about myself.
Sounds like things are status quo. Thats not all bad. I would be interested in the alanon website. I can't get to meetings easily with baby and would be nice to have something online.
Enjoy your week!
Sounds like things are status quo. Thats not all bad.
Works for awhile, and then her husband breaks her heart again. I really don't see anything changing until she puts him in the crucible and forces him to deal with his issues.
Puppy
Sounds like things are status quo. Thats not all bad.
Works for awhile, and then her husband breaks her heart again. I really don't see anything changing until she puts him in the crucible and forces him to deal with his issues.
Puppy
True.
(((((Suzy Q))))))),
I'm still waiting on that email. I'm glad you stopped in to update us. Take care my friend.
Happy (early) Birthday, Sue!
Hugs and Blessings.
Thanks NoCode!!
My parents are in town. They just picked up D4 from daycare, so she's super excited. Not a lot planned for the weekend. I have a fitness assessment at my new health club tomorrow. Then, off to get my hair cut & colored. I can't wait! I'm sure we'll do dinner with my parents tomorrow night. D4 wants my mom to make a cake with her for me. She's so sweet.
Life's been busy. I noticed lwb mentioned registering her youngest for kindergarten. We just got our paperwork in for D4 too. We register on March 5th. I also booked D4's 5th birthday party. She's getting excited. That, however, isn't until the end of March. Work has been busy too. One boss is in Vegas for the weekend (I'm jealous), but I have a lot of other things going on.
H's mood has been in the toilet. He's extremely worried about his job. He'd been opening up to me, but got really quiet. I asked and he said that if he doesn't meet his goal in Feb. that he will be out of a job. He is going to start working with someone to professionaly write his resume and I encouraged him to visit Linkedin and join the group from our church. I joined and saw a lot of people in there. I told him that he could find some good connections there. I also encouraged him to join a group at church that meets on Tuesday mornings. The woman that runs it does a different subject each week on job searching, resumes...etc. Now it's his job to get moving on it.
Well, have a great weekend everyone!
Take care-
SueS
How does the hair look? I bet it gives you such a lift.
This economy stinks. Not that marriages and relationships need job/money issues. I really hope your H gets plugged into church. There are alot of men that can really come along side your H and keep him on the right path.
Any sightings of OW?
Hello-
Well, the b-day was good. I got the cut/color. Not as happy as I expected with the color, but it's fine. Dinner with my parents on Saturday night. H sent me a Happy Birthday text. Oh, and I worked out on Sat. morning too!! Whoo Hoo!
H called on Saturday afternoon and said that a buddy (20-something) had called to see if he could meet up for a few beers early pm. I told H....it's up to you. However, it would be nice if you would tell him that you already have plans for dinner and that maybe you could do it Sunday. Surprisingly, H did exactly that. He called me later and said that he'd told his friend that he'd see him on Sunday and then asked me to meet him for lunch.
Starting, you asked if there's been any sign of OW. You know, I'm not sure. I haven't really been doing any looking. H has been home a lot. It's possible that he sees her occasionally, but I'm not sure. I really don't know either way. I saw a call come in to my phone today and thought for a second that it was OW's H. My stomach turned, as I thought....I really don't want to talk to him or hear anything. Thankfully, it wasn't him.
D4 was sick on Sunday & Monday. I was off work with her yesterday. I'd love to make H take a day off when she's sick, but with his job already in limbo, we can't take a chance of him missing any more time.
Well, busy day here with missing yesterday. One of my bosses was out yesterday too, so he's catching up (making me busier) also.
Oh, I started reading a book called "You Gotta Keep Dancin" by Tim Hansel. Great read. I love it so far.
Have a great day!
SueS
Glad to hear you are doing well.
I remember when I would go to snoop or someone would want to tell me something about H and OW and my heart would just sink. Just don't turn away too much. If thier relationship is still going on you don't want to be in the same boat you were last time
Have a good weekend!
Happy Valentines Day, Sue.
Checking in! You must be one busy girl and hope that entails some fun for you.
Hi there-
Hi Starting. Thanks for checking in. No Code, Thanks for the Valentine's greetings. I've lurked a little, but I have been busy. Unfortunately, not for fun though! I had a bad cold and I've been busy at work.
I just got my internet hooked back up at home....welcome back to modern day living Sue! I have a few projects that I want to work on and I need the internet. I was apprehensive about setting it up because H was constantly on it when we had it before. But, he can get on it at work, at the library....so, it's not like hooking it up at home will prevent anything.
Life at home has been cold to say the least. At first I put it on H's job. I went back to my old thinking of....well, H is just stressed because his job sucks. But you know what? H says he's worried about losing his job, but has been planning a trip to Vegas & LA with his brother in April. He's complaining about money but said they're thinking of taking my FIL fishing over Memorial Day weekend. You know what? His stress over his job gives him no right to use me as the target for his anger. I've made an effort to make this work since he's been back. Now it's his turn.
I haven't gotten to the point where I'm ready to ask him to leave....but I feel close a lot of days. He's starting to pull some of the same crap. Over the past 2 weekends, he's gone out to spend time with "friends" 4 times. We took D4 to a McDonald's with a playland last weekend. It was one that I'd never been to. As we were walking up, D4 pulled me back and whispered.....Mommy, this is the playland that daddy took me to a long time ago when we met OW and her little girl. I felt so bad that D4 had to feel like she couldn't say it out loud in front of H and that she knew there was something wrong with it. As we walked it, I looked at H and said....Real nice that you brought us to this one. His face went flush and he looked down. That was all on top of the fact that we were supposed to have been spending the afternoon together (me, H & D4), shopping and going to dinner. H acted as if he was tired and didn't feel like shopping, that he'd rather just take her to go play. On the way there, I saw a map drawn out on his dash.....Oh yeah, um, my co-worker wants me to come up tonight to hang out...his girlfriend is going out and he's having some buddies over. I blew. I said, Well, why didn't you say.....Gosh dude, I went out last night, the Friday night before and you know what....I have plans with my family tonight. I got no answer. So, guess what time he got home? 2:00 am. Yep, drunk. I truly hope that between now and his March 30th court date that nothing happens. I also hope that on that court date, he gets heavy probation and is required to go to classes. The DUI has certainly not made him stop. So, that night when he was at his friend's house, he called. He said....and not in a snotty tone, surprisingly,...Since you freaked out early today that I didn't tell you about my plans for tonight, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to go hit golf balls and play simulated golf with so & so. Whatever!! Go! My thoughts are that he did not go play golf. I have an idea of where he was.
I have been planning D4's 5th birthday party also. It will be at the end of March. She's getting so excited. H mentioned something about them having beer there. She told him no, that he couldn't have any. I said...this is her party, not yours. He thought it was funny and said that he'd just mix up some vodka lemonades and sneak them in. D4 told him that he couldn't come then.
I've kept myself busy and despite how things sound, I've kept positive. I did start working out. With my bad cold and our cold, snowy weather, I'll admit that I haven't gotten there as often as I should, but I am getting there. I finished a book and am 1/2 way through another one. Like I said, I hooked my internet back up at home. I found a couple of possibly ways to make a little bit of extra money and I hope I can do that.
Another thing that has kept me very, very preoccupied this week has been my 14-year old niece. She's been dealing with a lot of emotional and physical problems the past year from a 3-wheeler accident last Feb. My sister and BIL have done an amazing, exhausting amount of work to give her every advantage they can to keep her positve and motivated (doctors, special programs at school, leave of absense for my sister...etc). When I say doctors and special programs, I just mean that the accident has left her with a lot of headaches, which in turn caused her to miss a lot of school and unable to participate in most activities and in turn she's become depressed...etc. She admitted to them on Sunday that her depression has gotten worse and although she doesn't feel she could carry it out, she has come up with a plan that she feels would work to kill herself. We were was devastated to find out that she feels this pain. I've been where she is and I never, ever wanted anyone that I love to have to feel that type of pain. I reached out to her and I hope the more people that do will help her.
I want everyone to know that I'm not looking for advice as far as my situation. I'm just updating and venting a bit. I know where I'm at and what the best solution would be for me and D4. I'm just not ready to be there yet. I feel a lot stronger, but I'm just not there yet.
All my best to everyone here. I'll be back on soon. Take care and have a great weekend.
SueS
((((((Sues)))))))
Wish I close enough to give you a real hug.
Sue,
You take care of yourself and your D.
(((((HUGS))))
Good morning-
Well, yesterday/this morning haven't been the best times.
H was let go from his job yesterday. His mood was okay at first but then it started to go down a bit as the evening went on. He already started talking about things he's going to do for work in the time being. We'll be keeping D4 at home until he goes back full-time.
My youngest niece (14) was put into a psychiatric care facility early this morning. She's the one that had the accident last year and has been dealing with headaches, fatigue and depression. She's talked more about suicide the past week. On Sunday night she told my sister that she'd tried to just slip under the water while taking a bath. I'm glad she's where she is at now, but I'm scared. I've never wanted anyone I love to feel that way. It's a scary feeling to be that low.
Well, I need to get back to work.
Take care everyone.
SueS
I am so glad that she is getting the help she needs. I will keep her in my prayers.
As for your H, I am sorry that he lost his job. It is crazy out there! It is good if he has some side jobs lined up. I also hope that this helps him build up the relationship with his daughter.
Tons of hugs. Hang in there.
kat
I'm sorry about your niece Sue. I've had some close family members have that happen too. It really helped though and they can figure out what kind of meds they need. It's great that she is getting the help she needs to; I think a lot sometimes don't.
Sorry about the job too. I hope things get better soon, but yeah, at least maybe he can bond more with D4. How are you doing with all this going on? Karen
Sue,
I am really sorry to read about your niece. Having been in that dark place myself I know how horrid it is. The good thing though is that she is talking about it.......it's the one's that never say anything and that just act upon their feelings that are the real worry. She is in the right place at the moment.
((((((HUGS))))))))
Happy Friday!
My niece was discharged from her treatment center fairly quickly. She's still working through things, but being in there with other kids going through similar and/or worse situations really opened her eyes. She told us that she was the only one that had visitors and calls. She said that she realized the amount of love and support that she's fortunate to have with her friends and family and that she wants to live!
I've been alone since Wed. morning. D4 left with my parents to spend some time with my family. She and my family were so excited that she was able to go. She's been having a blast and it's only Friday. When D4 left, H also left for a few days to go see his family. Surprisingly, H has called each day. I talked to him last night for a few minutes when he was at one of our friend's house. H asked what I was doing and why I wasn't out whooping it up. I told him that I was going to do that on Sat. with a friend from work. He was surprised. My phone rang at 2:30 this morning. It was H. He talked to me for about 20 minutes. He was quiet. Not sure why he called. I guess I expected him to leave for home and not talk to me at all with the way he's acted lately.
Now on to me. I've been a bit lazy the past few days. I told myself that I'd do whatever I wanted to while the family was out of town.....and I have, which has been nothing the past 2 nights. I have a list of "TO DO" things for the next few days. I'm planning on going out with a friend on Sat. night. I miss D4 and H, but having this time to me has been good.
Work has been busy, so that's a good thing too.
Take care everyone!
SueS
Suzy Q,
I'm glad to hear that your niece is doing better. I hate that she is going through this.
I'm glad you are enjoying some "me" time while your DD and H are gone. Get you some junk food, a good movie or book, and sleep late tomorrow! Stay in your jammies until it's time to go out with your friend and then have a great time.
Hugs, Yoyo
When you have a to do list, always relax first.
Hope you are having a good day. I think about you now that Rules Of Engagement has started. Its soooo funny!
Hi everyone-
Well, it was a nice, fun weekend. Now back to reality!
I relaxed, did some shopping, went out with friends. I went out with 2 co-workers on Saturday night. We went to this great dive bar. We started talking to 2 really great local guys and we all ended up hanging out the whole night. I started talking to one of them and he ended up being the nicest guy. He's a few years younger than myself, but has a 6 year old daughter. I tried to move things toward the fact that I'm married with a child, but turns out we have a ton in common, including bad relationships. Nothing happened, but it was so incredibly nice to have someone pay attention to me, to want to talk to me. At the end of the evening, he told me that he understood my situation and that he couldn't cross or push me to cross any lines. However, he smiled and told me that he's in the phone book if things don't work out. It made my eyes open to see that there could be a life for me if things don't work out.
So, H came home last night. I didn't expect him until sometime today, but he told me yesterday that he'd be taking off early from his dad's and coming home. He also called me several times while he was gone. That I did not expect at all. The way things have been and as cold as he'd become, I honestly expected him to take total advantage of the time away and not talk to me at all. He called me at 2:30 Sat. morning. He asked if I had fun, which I said I did. He started pushing me asking if anyone had hit on me or bought me drinks. I was honest and said yes. He got a little short and asked if anyone had tried to take me home. I told him that it wasn't a line that I was going to cross, that I'm still married and still trying to make things work for my family. He didn't say much after that.
I talked to a co-worker today and I think the two of us are going to join a running class. It's only 6 weeks, but I'd like to be able to do it with someone instead of pushing myself alone and hating it before I even really get started. It doesn't start until April, so we'll see how things go.
D4 is still with my parents and having a great time. My mom rented a room at a hotel with a pool and they're going to be there tomorrow. My nieces and some other friends will be joining them. I miss her. She told me last night that she misses me too but that she's okay. Made me smile. The other night I sent her a link to "In My Daughter's Eyes" so my mom could play it for her. I got a call a few minutes later and she was yelling into the phone.....Mom, that's our song....Thank you mommy.....You're the best mom ever!! Oh, she's my love!
Well, time to get back to work. Just a bit longer left and then it's on homeward.
Take care everyone!
Good for you, Sue, getting the work-out buddy. That really helps with the motivation - and exercise is terrific for the ol' PMA.
No doubt about it, YOUR prospects for a great life in the future are a heck of a lot better than H's, if he doesn't shape up his sorry, lame a$$. Don't you forget that! And it doesn't hurt for H to see that, too - he takes things waaaaay too much for granted.
Hugs!
No doubt about it, YOUR prospects for a great life in the future are a heck of a lot better than H's, if he doesn't shape up his sorry, lame a$$.
That is so true. So glad you were able to get out and see that for yourself. The workout friend sounds like a great idea. Exercise has been really important for me-helps me deal with the stress! Hope you're having a good day.
Karen
Hey stranger...
So glad you were able to get some time alone!! See that just goes to show you that you are a desirable woman and that any man would be lucky to have you!!
Like rob said, your H better shape up!
Take care..
Tal
Hi Everyone-
It's been a few weeks since I've been on. D4 is now officially D5!! We had a party for her on Saturday and she had such a blast.
I spent a week after H came home in almost complete silence. H barely said anything to me for a whole week when he got back on the 15th of March. I was fed up by the end of the week and ended up packing a bag & heading to a friend's for the weekend to help her celebrate her 40th birthday. It was a last minute deal and H was surprised by it. Sure enough, the following week, he was talkative and we even went out for dinner twice and went shopping for D5's birthday present together. H was good over the weekend while my family was here, but has gotten quiet again.
I got a call from OW's H. We both feel as if we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop....feeling like them telling us it was over was a lie. We know they've been in contact, but in talking to him, have found very few instances when they might have had an opportunity to see each other. Still, that doesn't really matter to me if my H is still pouring out his heart and telling another woman that he loves her. Can't prove it, just a feeling. Those feelings are unfortunately usually right.
H's DUI case is over. I feel like it did nothing to jar him into reality. He came home from court on Monday and proceeded to have a couple of glasses of wine. This after having just gone through his trial and talking with a probation officer. I asked what the outcome was. Guilty. This next part just kills me.... He has 1-year probation, but never has to meet with anyone. He was told to abstain for 1 year from drinking alcohol or using any illegal substances, but he doesn't have to be tested. He has to attend 1 chemical abuse class and 1 meeting of a victims panel of some sort. Other than a fine....that's it!!! I wanted to take D5 to the circus on Saturday but H didn't want to go with us. Later he said, well I have to go to those stupid classes anyway. He feels they are a waste of time & money. I told him that he needs to admit that he's extremely lucky that he's never been caught before. I gave him a couple of examples and said that I had many more. He got angry and told me that he didn't want to hear it. I said, fine H, but you and I both know full well that this has been an issue for you and for our marriage. He just stared at the tv.
I got my butt up and worked out this morning for the first time in 2 weeks. I start my running class in less than 2 weeks. I'm very excited about that. The friend I was going to take the class with may be moving so she hasn't signed up yet. I'm still anxious to get started.
My niece is doing well. She was here over the weekend for D5's birthday. She wants to move here with me. She loves her family, but said that too much has happened back home due to the accident and all of her issues. She wants a new start. I'd love to have her but now isn't really a good time for me and it would be very hard on my sister.
Well, I should get busy again. Work is almost done and I have a few things left to finish up.
Thanks for listening....as always.
SueS
Hi everyone-
Just wanted to stop by to say hello and give a bit of an update.
Not a lot has changed other than the way I've been feeling. My unemployed H went on an 8 day vacation with his brother to Vegas and Los Angeles from 4/11-4/19. That left me trying to figure out what to do with D5. Thankfully schedules worked out just right. D5 and I went to my family for Easter and I stayed until Monday. D5 stayed with them and came home on Friday. My mom brought her in on her way to my cousin's baby shower. Otherwise, I'm not sure what I would have done. As is typical, H called at least once (if not twice) a day from his vacation to tell me what he was up to, ask if I'd spoken with D5 (yes he did keep in touch with her) and to ask what I was up to. Then, once he got home, he shut down and got cold AGAIN.
I'm not sure what to think. I came to a realization the other night. It was honestly one of those - BAM - WOW - kind of deals. I was in the kitchen and I realized that despite the fact that my marriage is still in the same spot it was a year ago, I am not. I am more confident. I am more involved in things. I take more chances. I take better care of myself. See, I started making more "dates" with friends. I started making more "dates" for D5 and I to spend with her best friend & her mom. I started a running class last week. This was my second week. Although I was dead tired afterward.....I DID IT. I've gotten up 2-3 times a week to go run. I've found myself just doing things instead of thinking and re-thinking everything that I do or how it will affect H. H's moods can tend to affect me from time to time but I don't walk on eggshells around him anymore. A wise woman from the boards told me that I shouldn't have to deal with his moods. I know she's right. I'm just happy that they don't affect me anymore. I'll eventually get to the point where I'm more vocal about what he can do with his moods!! I know I will. The thoughts have been in my mind. They just haven't made it out of my mouth yet.
H goes to his classes for his DUI this weekend. He thinks they are a waste of time & money. I know he'll be the one sitting there thinking that he shouldn't be there....that he doesn't have a problem. I'll tell him to please stop and consider how it's affected us and his family over the years and I'll leave it at that.
I believe that H is still in close contact with OW, although I can't prove it at this time. OW's H called me a few weeks ago and he has the same suspicions. She has told him that she has no intentions of working on their M, although she also has made no moves or has no intentions at this time of moving out.
Well, work is over and I'm ready to go home.
Have a great evening/day!
SueS
I am so glad your getting more confident in yourself and doing more. It must be hard to try and keep up both of you on your salary. Just please be careful.
My ex used me during his weak times with a dui. Waited till he paid off his fees, did his classes, and then got his license and a job. Then he treated me like junk after he was on his feet again.
I wouldn't worry about the ow. You probably know he is involved by the shutting down he is doing. I am sure he probably is feeling guilty and can't really tell you everything he does so he is safer keeping quiet.
Just continue on what your doing and don't pay attention to his moods or mention it. The nicer you are the more truly guilty he is going to feel. Work on yourself like you are.
I myself am glad to be rid of mine since it keeps that burden off my back. It cost me more to maintain him when he was here then is is to maintain my son and I only. He still comes over and shows me he has never changed but still wants to come back. After 2 years, it still has not kicked in why.
Hi Joyful - Thanks for stopping by!
Well, I didn't think I'd be back on quite so quickly.
I did some things on the computer last night after D5 went to bed. H had gone out with a buddy. As I was on the internet, I decided to do a little snooping. I found listings for 3 bedroom homes/townhomes in OW's neighborhood. I called H to see if he'd be home soon and told him that we needed to talk when he got there.
When H got home, I asked him to please be honest with me and tell me what's going on. Tell me if it's really ever been over with OW. He said, I thought it was, but I'm not sure. I told him about seeing the listing and asked what that was about. He said, I don't know what to say, OW sent them to me. I knew that was true because I could tell that he had not searched for them himself. I asked him if he planned on leaving us as soon as he found a job. He claims that he doesn't. I asked about OW. I asked if he still planned on making a life with her. He said, to be honest, it's very doubtful that that would happen. I asked why. He said because I don't think I want that....I'm not sure what I want. He asked me why I still wanted him. I told him that despite what's happened, I've seen the better side of him and I know it's still there. That I can remember the good times. I said, you asked me what I want. I said that I want my family, I want my husband, I want to be his wife and not just his roommate and if that's not what he wants then he needs to figure it out and let me move on. It was hard. I was crying. I asked him if he had any plans of moving away from MN. He said that he can't leave D5. It was quiet after that. I know that my H can be manipulative, but there's part of me that believes that he is starting to realize what life would be like with OW and her 4 kids and it's not a life that he would do well with. Not that it would mean him staying with us though.
I know that I have to keep doing what's best for D5 and I. I'll do my best to do that.
Well, back to work.
SueS
When H got home, I asked him to please be honest with me and tell me what's going on. Tell me if it's really ever been over with OW. He said, I thought it was, but I'm not sure. I told him about seeing the listing and asked what that was about. He said, I don't know what to say, OW sent them to me. I knew that was true because I could tell that he had not searched for them himself. I asked him if he planned on leaving us as soon as he found a job. He claims that he doesn't. I asked about OW. I asked if he still planned on making a life with her. He said, to be honest, it's very doubtful that that would happen. I asked why. He said because I don't think I want that....I'm not sure what I want.
Hi Sue,
I'm glad to see you're skeptical, because the problem is, there is no usable data here. Everything is based on you asking, and him telling you something, and unfortunately, if he IS still cheating on you,
then he's lying (and of course his past history is of lying to you as well).
Only his ACTIONS will tell you what his true intentions are -- over time -- and unfortunately, right now his actions are still very fogged out and wayward.
Please be careful.
Puppy
Hello Everyone!
Gosh, I didn't realize that it had been over a month since the last time I was on.
Puppy, I promise I wasn't avoiding your comments.
Your comments below are so true. His actions are showing a lot.....and it's not good. Cold, snippy, rude....etc. He's denied seeing OW but I've seen proof otherwise....and I've called him out on it using his own phone (texts/calls) and her new business card (in his pocket) as proof.
Only his ACTIONS will tell you what his true intentions are -- over time -- and unfortunately, right now his actions are still very fogged out and wayward.
So, what is SueS doing about it? Not much at this point. H should be starting a new job on Monday. My true thoughts are that as soon as he back up on his feet he'll be looking to leave, despite his words to the contrary. It will be hard but not unexpected.
I finished my 6 week running class last week and I signed up for the second session. It starts tonight. I'll probably collapse
, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I've been trying to get out about twice a week on my own to run. I fractured a toe a few weeks ago though, so it was tough for a little while. I was considerate last night and asked H if he had any plans for the evenings this week. I have something each night for the rest of the week. Nothing late, but it still leaves him at home alone with D5 for an extra couple of hours. When I told him about continuing with my running classes he rolled his eyes. I asked him why he can't just give me one shred of a "that's great" or "atta-girl" for getting up off my behind and at least trying.....and continuing now for 7 weeks. I just got a blank stare at the tv.
I went out to South Dakota for my niece's high school graduation a few weeks ago. What a blast. I had so much fun and I got to see my best friend too, as her son also graduated the same weekend.
D5 starts back to daycare next week and she'll start t-ball in June. She's so excited and I'm excited for her. She's getting anxious to start kindergarten in the fall.
My father went to have his normal 6 month check up at the Mayo Clinic. He's 2 yrs, 4 mos. post surgery for cancer. They originally gave him a clear report, but now have him set up for a throat scope, as they're worried about something on his test that could turn out to be cancer in his esophagus. Just waiting for that on June 1.
So, that's where I'm at. One question is this. Probably something I should know the answer to being a "veteran" of this whole mess. When I go away (or H for that matter) H will call 2-3 times a day. When we see each other for the 1st time after we've been gone, he's nice for a couple of days. Then, BAM, back to his old rude, nasty personality.....as if I'm not any better than a lump of crap that he needs to avoid so he doesn't step in it. I know, an odd comparison, but that's how it feels. Why? Why be nice? Why call? Why turn so quickly? A few weeks ago I participated in a consignment sale. I busted my tail to get all my things together and tagged. H helped me (offering on his own) to do what I needed him to do. He was helpful, friendly, kind.....etc. I left the next day for graduation. He called, was nice....etc. I came back and 2 days later her turned into .....well, you know.
What I don't understand is the fact that he came back to us. I wanted my family, but didn't beg or even ask him to come back. I was on my own. He was free and clear to do whatever he wanted, which is what he desperately wanted for months. Why take all of this out on me when he made the decison to come back? It just
still all confuses me. It doesn't really make me anywhere near as sad or angry, just still confused.
Well, back to work. I'll check on everyone's threads to see how you're all doing. Stop by and say hi!!
Take care! -SueS
What I don't understand is the fact that he came back to us. I wanted my family, but didn't beg or even ask him to come back. I was on my own. He was free and clear to do whatever he wanted, which is what he desperately wanted for months. Why take all of this out on me when he made the decison to come back? It just still all confuses me. It doesn't really make me anywhere near as sad or angry, just still confused.
Sue,
What's confusing about it? He gets the best of both worlds this way -- both plates spinning on each stick. When when slows down and starts to wobble, he can go spin the other one up to speed.
I don't understand why the status quo is acceptable to you?Then again, my own situation is non-understandable to many (including me somedays!), so I'm one to talk . . .
Puppy
Puppy-
Perfect explanation and a perfect analogy!! Just had to have someone else tell me.
Thanks!
-SueS
Puppy-
Perfect explanation and a perfect analogy!! Just had to have someone else tell me.
Thanks!
-SueS
Yeah, well, I always a sucker for those acts on Bozo's Circus.
Hang in there, Sue. You'll know when you're ready, and we'll support you as best we can. You know that.
I think you may have also let him get away with it long enough that he thinks it is fine to be a sh!t. You know you will be fine either way, but I would address it and say that he can't treat you this way. If he can't get it together I believe his car is still in the garage and hand him a blanket and pillow.
hang in there. kat
I agree with Puppy. And you deserve so much better than to be the "just in case nothing else works out" option for him.
Most of all, I wanted to say: That's Great!! Atta-girl!!!
Good Morning-
Hi Kat & Rob!! So glad to see you.
Yes Kat, you're right. I've been doing better though in letting him know that I'm not happy with the treatment. I still need to be a lot more vocal though about it. Trust me, I've gone over the words again and again in my mind. They'll come out soon. One tough thing is that D5 is always around. I can't say it in front of her.
Rob, Thanks for the "Atta-Girl". I needed that! I made it to my running group last night and we went 3 miles. Whew! Never thought I could do that but I did. YEAH!!
Well, I better get back to work. I have to admit that I haven't had a lot of motivation here lately and I need to get it back. The bosses will soon take notice if I don't.
Have a great day!!
SueS
I think you are doing great. I am happy that you have found something that gives you time to yourself and even a way to deal with your frustrations. Way to go!
kat
Glad to see you back Sue! That is so cool about running 3 miles. Are you going to start running 5 and 10ks now? Karen
Suzy Q,
Wow, way to go on the running!
Sorry to hear your H is up to his usual crap! I think both of our H's need some sense knocked into them, but I don't think there is anything hard enough to do the job.
Hi Sue. I've been reading your thread and just wanted to let you know I think you are an incredibly strong person! You are holding yourself together so well. Kudos on the running! That has to make you feel so good about yourself! Just think about what you want and need and be true to yourself, although I think you already know that. My H is moving out in a couple of weeks, and I'm struggling with whether or not I even want him back! In the mean time though, I'm just trying to GAL and be there for me. Be strong girl. Don't put up with anything less than what you know you and your d deserve!
lola, wow! You just made my day!! I really needed that. Love you Southern Ladies.
I feel good with the running. I went to workout on Saturday and I surprised myself with how long I was able to make it. I'm excited about doing my first 5K this Saturday. Nervous, but excited.
So, lola, let me tell you and everyone why you made my day. My day did not start out well at all. Let me take a step back. H was all set up to start a job today that is about 30 minutes away from home. On Friday he was called by a company and given his situation (starting a new job on Monday), they asked if he could come in that afternoon for an interview. He said yes and after all was said and done, he was offered the position. Now, this 2nd position is only 5 minutes away from home (same town). He always joked about not wanting to work that close to me, but now all of a sudden, BOOM, here he is literally just down the road from me. Okay, so that's that. H started the new position today and D5 started back to daycare. All is okay right? No. H got up this morning to go workout. He left his phone at home. No, I did not look at it. However, at 7:25, it rang. I did look at it and I did answer it. The person HUNG UP. YEP, OW. When H got home and he and I were away from D5, I told him that he might want to call his f'ing girlfriend back as she didn't seem to want to talk to me when I answered his phone. I told him that the BS needs to stop. Unfortunately, I didn't get much further. If I didn't leave home at that moment, I'd be late for work. I believe that I will talk to him again tonight. This is absolute crap. I wondered why she called at that time. My only guess is that she thought he was starting the job 30 minutes from home and would be in his car at that time. When I left for work, I gave D5 a big hug and kiss, told her to have fun back with her friends, told H good luck and walked out the door.
I'm angry that the HO called, but I'm okay. I was a bit shaken at first, but I'm okay. It's an odd feeling. I guess I feel like a stronger person that OW and H. I know, it's an odd statement coming from someone who has let her H continue to have his own life, but I do feel okay.
Well, back to work. Busy, busy day.
Take care! SueS
DANG, DANG, DANG! I would like to say something stronger, but I will refrain. Your H and OW really tick me off!
Stay strong my friend. You will figure this out. I have faith in you.
Hugs, Yoyo
Hi Sue,
I have been catching up on your sitch.
You have to always bear in mind your H's drink problem in all this. My guess is that's the main contributor to most of what goes on.
The nice/nasty behaviour probably stems from that. Alcoholics are really good at the pseudo sentimality (sp?).....when you are gone he really misses you- the idea of you- when you are there he cannot cope with reality and the feelings he has of inadequacy and responsibility.
With OW everything is broken and never so constant and full on so he can remain a 'properly functioning' person in her eyes, and it makes him feel good. Reality does set in though when he thinks about living with her full time with her kids- she will get to see the 'real' him......warts and all. I can't see him ever letting that really happen.
Well that's my best guess anyway Sue - and if I am right I don't see him leaving you alone to settle into a life without drama anytime soon if you leave it down to him and you only react to his actions. You are his security blanket.
I have huge respect for you....I know I could not tolerate such behaviour and be so kind to my H.
Hello Saffie!! So nice to hear from you. I guess sometimes I just need people to open my eyes again. Puppy's analogy of the spinning plates and then your reminder of the underlying alcohol issue really helps me. It's odd, but I guess that I've been dealing with it for so many years now that I sometimes forget that if we didn't have to deal with the alcohol problem and everything that comes with it we'd probably be a lot better, if not great. I suspect your comments are dead on when describing my H, what he feels and what he's thinking. I just sat there shaking my head yes to everything you had said. In fact, I let a dear friend of mine read your comments too and she said.....Wow, she's pretty spot on for not knowing H personally. I told her, well heck, after 2 years she does know him pretty well!!!
How have you been Saffie? I haven't done a good job in keeping up with people. Email me or let me know on here how you are. I do think of you and many others very often.
H has done his absolute best to completely avoid me and any discussion about the phone call the other day. The past 2 night he has come home, cooked dinner, watched some tv and made sure he's asleep before I get a chance to get D5 to sleep and talk to him! It does amaze me that a 41 (soon to be 42) year old man can act the way he does.....If I just avoid it, it will go away!! I went out running on Monday after work and felt prety good, although these 41 year old knees are giving me some aches. It was an odd feeling for me to be on my way home from work last night and actually think to myself....Man, it's a beautiful day.....I'd love to go for a run. Didn't get to though, as D5 needed some attention and mommy was willing to stay home and give it to her!!
H has again been a bit of an a$$ but instead of letting it bring me down, I go along with life, as I deserve to be happy damn it!!
Work has been busy and is only getting busier. Our company acquired another company last August and this Aug. 1st is the official merge date when all departments and systems should be completely merged and aligned. Working for a VP and a Controller, you can imagine how stressed they are....which in turn stresses me.
Well, time to get busy.
Take care everyone & have a great day!!
SueS
Just about ready end the day/week. I'm so ready to get done with work.
I run my first 5k tomorrow. It's supposed to be cold and rainy. I'll still do it.
I'm having one of those days where I'm kind of filled with all sorts of angry feelings. I want to give H a swift kick and then go give OW one too. I know, icky band-aid theory... Just can't help thinking about her today for some reason. Saffie, I just keep trying to remind myself of what you said the other day, as I know you got it spot on.
Part of my anger is with H. I gave him the info for tomorrow and he basically asked me if I was crazy thinking that they'd be up and out that early (starts at 8). I told him - Thank you for the support - I appreciate it. He said - Hey, I support you, have a good run. He told me that when I got home he'd make a nice breakfast for me. I told him that I appreciated that but what I'd appreciate even more is the encouragement as I'm running and a "way to go" when I actually finish. I know I'm going to cry when I get done. I just will. The first time and the fact that I'm doing this in honor of my Dad....a cancer survivor.
Oh.....Oh.....Oh.......I do have some good and uplifting news. How could I forget this??? My Dad got his final reports back and he DOES NOT have any cancer spots. They'd done another scope just to check out his esophagus. They were a bit worried about that but it's clear!
Well, that's about it for me. Kat, I'm still looking for some things for you. I did find some discounts. Give me some time and I'll come up with other things. Just give me an idea of what you want/want to do and I'll help you out with what I can.
SueS
Hey Sue,
I shall be thinking of you tomorrow....and what fantastic news about your dad!!!!!
What I said before was based on what it was like living with my dad. When my mom walked out on him, taking my sister and I with her, it was the best thing she could do. It was a gift to my dad - although he has never been able to see it that way. It was what got him sobered up in the end.
Appearances were a huge thing to my dad....how the world viewed him was important. To have his wife walk out on him made him feel ashamed enough to pull himself together. Sometimes, what seems to be being cruel to someone, can be the kindest thing. My mom stopped enabling his destructive behaviour. My dad is now 81 and I think he would be dead by this time if it hadn't been for my mom's actions. He does know that but he is still too darn proud to acknowledge that.
As I said, I shall be thinking of you tomorrow Sue. (((((HUGS)))))
Way to go Sue. I think there will be many of us here with you when you cross the finish line. Thanks for your help in looking stuff up. I think we will only be there a couple of days, just enough for a mini-break.
kat
((((Sue))))
Kudos, girl. And I am glad your dad's report came back as good news.
Good luck tomorrow.
I'm always so glad to see you post and find out you're doing well, or if you're not, just good to hear from you....So glad about your dad, Sue! Wonderful! I'm so happy for you.
The 5K sounds great too--just finishing one is huge in my book!
About your H not supporting you--I don't think he has been able to do that for you really has he? Didn't we used to say have low expectations or no expectations or something? Karen
Has anyone heard from Sue lately? Just dropping by to see how she's doing and noticed it's been a couple of months since she's posted