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#2268071 08/05/12 12:19 AM
Joined: Jul 2012
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Hi
My husband went to his family 4 months ago-at the time he was very angry and had specific complaints. After a week we agreed to take it very slowly and rebuild. I read a load of websites and spoke to family and the recommendation was to give him space and not talk about the relationship problems. We spoke everyday on the phone but conversation was slightly limtied as he doesn't talk much and i was so wary as to what i could talk about (not to mention that when we saw each other i was holding back and showing him i felt bad and sorry etc) that he ultimately said he wanted 2 weeks no contact tos ee if he missed me like a friend or a wife. After that he came round and didn't mention us and i didn't bring it up as didn't want to pressure him and tried to keep things light to show him i was ok and not needy (one of his complaints was that i was expecting him to help me settle in when we moved to his home country of Australia). 2 days later i spoke to him and asked if he had missed me and he said yes but he didn't know how he felt and that if enough had changed that we wouldn't end up back here again. We agreed to put the past behind us and move slowly forward. Again i held back and gave space and he rang everyday (he'd asked to be the one to call me). 2 weeks ago he said that he does love me but isn't in love and that hasn't changed. That if after 3 and a half months it isn't back then it won't change. We had a big talk and he admitted that he feels that i don't love him and that i wouldn't even look or touch him when we were meeting up (which was because as above i was holding back, giving space, taking slowly and thought that's what he wanted etc) and that is the major reason of why his feelings have changed. he said his mind is made up and marriage shouldn't be this hard.
During the last 2 weeks we've been in contact about financial issues and i did speak to him to see if hope (much to my family's exasperation as they see it as me being needy) and he said he's not closing the door completely and if the feelings come back they come back. He's now talking about renting a place and last week came over to get his things (i thought he was taking all of them and couldn't face it so went interstate to see a family member i have here) but he only took a few things (i assume as he's got nowhere to store the rest but not sure). We met yesterday and I made sure i looked at him as normal and he was looking at me a lot and when i did touch him he didn't recoil but when he went to go he went to go as if he wasn't going to hug me goodbye. Seeing him again today as he needs do something here. I'm annoyed with myself that focussing on idenifying and fixing the specific issues and by trying not to put a foot wrong i actually missed the core issue that he feels i don't love him and just want a companion.


Any thoughts on what i can do or is this now beyond hope? (just to note-i suggested counselling but he isn't up for going-he's made the distinction that it's not that he won't go it's that he can't as he can't share his feelings with anyone let alone a stranger-I understand his position but it's still very frustrating as think it would have been helpful-i've been on my own but it's difficult when they have not met the other partner as they're only hearing my perception of conversations etc and as you can see i was way off!).

Joined: Nov 2009
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

There can always be HOPE as long as you feel it inside of YOU.

However

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use the time wisely


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Mar 2011
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