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OnMyWay Offline OP
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Old Threads are here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2146685

and the one before that is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2139268

Decided to move out of Newcomers and move over here as my WAW moved out in February and I'm not seeing any signs of her moving back anytime soon.

Been a while since I posted anything, so I'll take this opportunity to update a bit. Been a rocky road with WAW. Through the help of this community, I've been able to determine my WAW is squarely set in her MLC. She is seeing an IC and says that is helping, but the two of us have a very difficult time communicating.

I've found I don't really like being around her. It causes both of us serious angst. We seem to only communicate via electronic means. Last night, she was over to see D9. I made dinner. We ate in silence. She left without saying "Good bye."

And so we move forward. Her IC has told her to stop focusing about the big D and we have agreed to put it off until January. I'm feeling rather exhausted by all this and if progress isn't made by then, I'm ready to sign off and be done with it. I think our D9 has come to the realization that this is over, also.

WAW is seriously conflicted. She says, while she recognizes our marriage is over, she still "feels" like my W and that causes her issues. From my side, I don't get that feeling at all. I've taken the approach of dealing with her MLC by giving her everything she's asked for- separation, space, end of relationship - thereby forcing her to have a 180 of her own. Now that I'm done and ready to move on, she appears to be holding on to little things putting on the brakes. However, this can't last. I am at a break point and my life is heading in a different direction. I'm off the roller coaster and don't wish to get back on. I've gone very dark and it is now easier to see the light.

I guess I don't really have much to report. I just wanted to let the many friends I have here to know I'm doing well and continuing OnMyWay.

smile


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
Joined: Apr 2011
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Hey there. Can sort of relate to your situation. I've been noticing that the more I go dark and get a life, the more I can see my wife is disappointed I'm moving on.

Last night I asked if she comes into our house to see me and my bedroom door (formerly our bedroom door) is closed, to please send me a text or something instead of knocking and opening the door. For my own privacy, and she can tell I'm starting to get ready to see other people. She made a frowny sad face when we acknowledged that was one of the reasons she shouldn't just barge in. I'm like "oh don't start, you don't like me anymore remember". She replies "yeah but I like you more and more each day". This makes sense to me because I've been figuring out attraction and being masculine and stuff (skills I lacked previous to our crisis). But at the same time I'm starting to see all the options I have and have been having fun just getting the hang of meeting and talking to random woman. Of course, the better I get at it the more my wife flirts with me - I do my best to pretend I don't notice.

Weird thing is she insisted I was a totally messed up person and ruined our marriage 100% on my own, at first I believed her, I worked to become a better person, and now I think she's more messed up than I am! Cruel life indeed.

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OnMyWay Offline OP
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Fascinating, keepyerchinup. Thanks for posting. Our sitches do indeed sound very similar.

One difference is the attraction between us has stalled. I'm fine with that as I, too, have discovered that there are lots of other women in the world for me to interact with. It's kind of exciting, in a way. I'm having fun!

With regards to WAW, I've been on a major pull back. I know it is beginning to frustrate her, but that's not really my problem. Mine is GAL. Part of that is putting myself in a position to finally move on from all this madness. She had stated that she doesn't want to talk D, but that doesn't mean she wants to talk M either. Right now she's trying to be a cake-eater. She's holding us hostage in this limbo state. I'm not good with that any longer.

To counter it, I've begun moving in a definitive direction. I've packed some of the stuff she left behind and began fixing the house the way I want it. I mentioned that I wanted to do our D papers next month, so that come January, we will be ready to file quickly. I also removed her name from the rest of the household bills, which really ticked her off, which I see but don't understand - after all, she's getting exactly what she asked for - it's called divorce.

So for now, I continue my push back. I'm feeling stronger every day. I feel good about where I am. It would be nice to save this thing, but it's not a requirement for my own personal happiness. life goes on.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 8
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You're right our situations do seem similar. It is indeed exciting to talk to other people. I haven't even really seriously connected with anyone yet but have had many brief conversations and even that is a lot of fun.

If you haven't checked it out or similiar, try getting into some of David DeAngelo's material. Especially the inner game stuff which is all about making yourself a better man and goes into great detail. Compared to all the other material I've read about saving my marriage, when I started studying stuff from the "pickup artist community" is when my wife started acting a lot differently. From body posture, to eye contact, to personal boundries, to building lifestyle, and treating everyone you meet in an authentically cool way... it's been eye opening stuff.

For the last two days she has actually slept in our house (!) for various reasons. The first night she asked if she could sleep in my bed. (?!?) I said sure I can sleep on the couch. If I tried to put the moves on her I think she would retreat again, plus for some reason now I'm not as attracted to her lol (?!?) Before I totally was and she didn't want me.

She told me she's jealous that I might be hanging around other woman. Mostly I think I'm just starting to get into reaching my potential as a person and it's having an effect on her, she thought I was hopeless but I'm totally having success with meeting other people because I'm doing tons of work. She on the other hand seems to have no interest in self improvement and now it's me wondering if I can be with her! AHHH!

Good luck with your situation. It's cool to type this out to someone who gets it, I don't talk about these things with many people.

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Hey OMW... just checking in...

Still in limbo, eh?

The hurry up and wait process for our first mediation session isn't much better than the limbo, IMHO...

I keep saying that my W is like a BOA... or maybe quick sand... if I stand absolutely still, if I do not move... death will come slow... if I do ANYTHING, she constricts harder... or I sink deeper...

The thing that baffles me the most... they want to be friends during and after the deal... like... really...??

Anyhow, one day something will happen for you... and then... you can put this limbo behind you.

Happy, positive thoughts and mucho GAL... smile

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OMW - Weirdness, for the last month we seem to have struck the same point in our spouse's peeking out of the craziness. I will add, for perspective, that I think part of this "I don't know" is the guilt and fear. Guilt over what she has done. Fear about putting everyone through it again or being wrong that it could work and then feeling stuck. You're right that she has to see it and believe it for herself. Don't shove her too far away, as you GAL. She's on a teeter totter. Time and patience will help you so much. Good luck!


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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AJM80, thanks for checking in.

I don't really have any updates - all just supposition, really, which isn't worth anything. W has pulled back also. She no longer stays for "family time" or the occasional dinner. Seems to be moving on, yet still contradicts herself all the time. Says things like "I don't want to be in a committed relationship,' and in a different sentence, "I still 'feel' like your wife.'" Doesn't feel she can be with me, but is scared to get a divorce. She tried to tell me she no longer has much of a party life any more - whatever - that was a big issue in our break up.

She does text me from time to time to converse - we keep it mostly to electronic forms of communication. Seems like she's kind of testing to see where I'm at, I suppose. Last time, she was telling me she's thinking of moving out of state. She asks if I'm having "relations" with other women. I don't give up any info and she usually breaks off the conversation out of frustration, so I'm not sure if she is waiting for me to move on with another woman, thereby releasing her from her self-perceived obligations, or if it makes her mad I am no longer trying to get her back. Sometimes I have the impression she is waiting for me to have sex with another woman, as if the score would be even and we would then be on a level playing field, which is completely insane. I did get feedback from a mutual friend that she was angry, but it's not a reliable source, so who knows. Besides, I'm tired of my friends bringing it up - it's like they are more upset about it than I am. I don't wanna hear about it.

All this actually keeps us from parenting together anymore. We now parent separately and her parenting is quite limited. I find she just likes to complain when things aren't up to her "standards," yet doesn't participate with any constructive response. She keeps talking about the day when she will be primary parent again.

Regardless of all this, it does feel to me like she is making "moves." I feel her changes. I'm just unsure what she is trying to accomplish - perhaps I'm just not paying attention, idk. One thing is for sure, I don't really trust her and keep myself very guarded. She could be trying to find a way back, or she could be getting ready to surprise me with papers. I can't tell, and don't plan on wasting any time trying to figure it out, as my life has improved tremendously. I'm out of debt, have great friends, have few expectations, and finally enjoy everyday. I'm not all that motivated to get back in the trenches with her. My life has improved.

One thing I do know with regard to your guilt/fear comments: fear is a major motivator for her. She stated before that she doesn't want to put herself in a position where she can get hurt again. This confirms your previous comments about a woman's need to feel "safe." Also, she says that she just doesn't understand how I would ever be able to trust her again. To me, this is all a cop out as it puts the responsibility of our relationship squarely on my shoulders - as if not hurting and trusting are all my problem. I know I hurt her during the period of time where we were fighting. I admit that I said things that were spiteful and painful. It was inexcusable. I own that - undeniably so. But, she has yet to take responsibility for any of her own actions. She'll "share" in the over-all blame ("it took two of us to get here"), but won't take ownership any of what she's done. Like electricity, she will take the path of least resistance rather than put forth any real effort to handle the problems. She would rather loose the once beautiful relationship she loved so much than risk failure.

It's actually feel very bad for her and she knows it, actually commenting once that she felt I pity her in a way. I try not to show it, but when I am removed from the switch, I do pity her and all she walked away from.

Kind of a long-winded diatribe to say nothing is happening, but still dark, still GAL, and still waiting for some sort of resolution.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 262
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Quick update after last night's post. I'm still not sure where she's on all this (R or D or neither), but I got home last night and expected her to jump up and run out the door, like usual. Since I have been on my "pull-back," I haven't tried to engage her at all, letting her initiate all conversation and keeping my side of the conversation to a minimum.

Last night when I got home, I came in an announced my arrival and went about my routine, like I always do. I honestly had business to tend, so I didn't really notice her hovering. She made a grand announcement that she was leaving. I wasn't really "present" with her, so I brushed it off with a "see you later" and returned to my business.

Soon after, there was a brief text volley.

W: U ok?

Me: Yeah, sure. Why? Does it seem like somethings wrong?

W: Just checking..

W: Sorry.... u just looked like u needed a hug...

Me: Oh. Hugs r always good. U gonna come back for that?

W: Or maybe I was the one that needed to hug us so I could feel I was comforting u.... weird...

(45 minutes later)
W: Sleep well...

Me: Trying to, but someone keeps texting me. LOL.

W: Sorry... :-(

One other thing I felt was odd was this: D9 & her BFF have been pushing BFF's mom & I towards each other. The mom actually came over on Sunday; she is obviously interested. What was odd is that my WAW friended her up on Facebook today. For some reason, this is funny to me.

Then, this evening, WAW shows up to watch D9. I grab my stuff and prepare to run out the door for work. She calls to me "Come here." I come over as she dives in for her hug. And it's a doozie. WTF?

I don't stop her and we embrace for a long time. It was a nice hug, comfortable and familiar. I ask if she is ok, to which she blows off my question with a quick "sure." When she is done, I step back, give her a quick smile, grab my stuff and head out on my way to my life.

Before everyone gives me a "Wow, OMW, that's some progress," know that I do not see this as any kind of answer to my questions of where she is or what moves she is making. I choose to operate on a status quo basis here, as this could just be some way of her trying to entice me back into a position of pursuit or eliminate what she may perceive as a threat from other women. It has also been a couple of months since we ML, so this could be a sneaky way for her to initiate a booty call, which I know will just make her run for cover after. So, no.

This is all interesting, but again, it's all just supposition and therefore irrelevant. it shan't have any bearing on my position as of late. If she decides to pursue me, fine. She can compete with the other women who are hovering around. But, I can't let it crack my stoicism and undermined my purpose here, which is to stay MY course and never travel this way ever again.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 262
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OnMyWay Offline OP
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W has been very active around here lately. Kind of has me worried.

She's been very "chatty" with me with her text messages. I've responded positively, but am still uncomfortable with her face-to-face. She's been asking a lot of questions about D9's BFF's mother, who has hinted very directly her interest in me. During the day today, while I was at work, W managed to get herself invited over to mom's house for a day at the pool with our girls. Very strange, as I still get interesting responses from the mom - who has all of a sudden become much more forward with me - which is odd. I've been rather "unreceptive" to the mother's advances and now have reason to continue with that approach. Plus, my W texted me pool side about how her body is better than the mom's, etc. Craziness. All I need are two psycho women competing together, yet against each other - like shark infested waters: something I'm not going to be swimming in. I don't trust either of them, especially if they are in cahoots. Or worse, in friendly competition to see who's the winner.

All this has made W rather motivate/brazen in the past couple of days. D9 invited her over for a sleep over tonight, which I was told, not asked, was happening. After today's pool thing, D9's little BFF is staying over also - a regular girls night at my house, hosted by my W. I just got a text a while back from W stating that, since it's a full house, she'll be sleeping in our bed because she doesn't feel like sleeping on the couch. She knows I don't sleep on the couch, so she's expecting to be sleeping in our bed with me. Wondering if she'll be expecting sex later. I definitely don't think I'm ok with that. So WTH does this mean? Is she "protecting her territory" that she abandoned six months ago?

Also, she's made some other decisions about scheduling with D9 and another friend (my thing - not hers). She just stepped in and rearranged everything - kind of exerting her authority here? I don't know if I'm comfortable with this.

Any DBer's out there of the female persuasion care to offer any analysis? I've long since given up on trying to figure out what goes on in her head.

I'll just keep my head down and keep doing MY thing which has been working really great for me.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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I had a female Persian...

I think you're getting ahead of yourself, OMW...

but if you are concerned about sleeping arrangements, you can have your boundaries in very respectful, clear ways, without having to speak them.

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