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So my thread locked and I need to start a new one.

Several things, I have not been on the site for a few days. So I hope everyone is well.

Sandi, I wanted to respond to your post. I appreciate your attempt and your goals. I will try to put them into practice but I think you may have my situation confused with someone elses also. My H is not living with OW. He isn't dating someone else. He did have a brief, although at this pt he says it never happened, it was just that I assumed, so he went with the story affair back in May. I really don't know the truth to all of this. I know she didn't live around us or was even close by, but I do know he talked to her on the phone.

Anyway you are partly correct with the I am sorry thing. I really only do that with my husband. I don't know why. Yes I am scared to death of losing him. Yes I am sure he knows it and takes advantage of it. It has also created a lot of annimosity between us lately. But I am sorry. I am sorry for the way he feels and when he tells me how hurt he is and what happens I do feel bad. I wish I couldn't have done more. I feel like I should have done more.

I didn't talk to H all weekend. It wasn't a big deal. I knew he was away hunting. Yesterday I sent him an email to let him know what the kids schedules where this week. I wanted to see if he was going to participate in the counseling visit for our D on Wed night as well.
It was very brief and to the point. I made a light joke and so he wouldn't take it wrong b/c I never know if he will I added a little smiley face so he knew I was kidding..however I guess he didn't get that b/c what I got back was a very sarcastic e-mail in which he didn't respond to the schedule but only that he had a FANTASTIC weekend..and he made another little reference.

Now I knew as soon as I saw the all caps fantastic he was being sarcastic. At this point I guess I should have ignored but I didn't I started laughing and I called him and said why the sarcasm? This of course led the conversation off in the wrong place. He apparently is still holding a grudge because of last weeks incident with the insurance company. He is very mad at me that I didn't believe in him. As much as I tried to explain this and ref my POV..he still says..this is why we can't be married...you will never believe in me again. He told me he is bitter and he will be for a while but will eventually get over it. Not just bitter about that incident, but bitter about the way our relationship ended up. (I guess I don't get that, because this was his choice, not mine)

When I got home from work. He left me a sarcastic letter. Again. I should have just disregarded but I calmly called and said was this necessary. I thought we got over all this. He agreed and we talked for a good hour. Toward the end of the conversation I told him I may be taking a couple days to go away so if he wanted to take the kids that would be great. (I am seriously concidering go away for a few days over the holidays..just to get away)..When he responded very hastlily with "do whatever you need to do"..I said I wasn't looking for approval. Well I guess this was the wrong thing to say because I swear he did a 180 on me and Dr Jeykll came out. Next thing I knew he was yelling at me about something that we hadn't even discussed and he started calling me names.Telling me again how he can't wait until I am out of his life, to go f myself. I was floored. I asked him what in Gods name was wrong with him and why he started to act like this. I even commented that we were having a realitivly nice conversation and then wham!!! The more he yelled, the madder I got. I will not lie. I lost it too. We both got loud. I tried really hard not to say anything demeaning or regretful, but I was loud and yelling just the same.

Anyway..I went out to eat for a friends birthday. I had hung up the phone on him, but he kept calling back. I answered and said I am going to celebrate my friends birthday now..so I am going to go.
He ended up sending some really nasty texts. About taking custody of kids away. I did not respond. Abt 20 minutes later he sent an apology and was sorry about the whole conversation. I didn't respond..He sent another saying please respond he needed closure..

Called him when I got home said I was very hurt that every time he gets mad lately he gets very beligerent and says very very hurtful things. I understand he is hurting too, but some of the comments he has been making are beyond anything that he has ever said to me before and he is just down right nasty.

Its when these coversations start I feel the need to defend myself and not let him attack me. I don't want to lose him and I want him to see what he is doing, but I also don't want to let him say things without me retaliating. Just by writing that is sounds so immature..

Anyway..sorry so long..I thought this was going to be a peaceful week but I guess not.


Last edited by Virginia; 12/09/08 10:03 PM.
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Kristi,

I haven't chimed on your posts in a while, so I thought I'd jump on this new thread. I have to admit to not following a lot of your recent sitch, but I would make one observation. You made the comment, where many of us have been:

"Yes I am scared to death of losing him."

Why? Don't get me wrong, when my W dropped the bomb, I thought my life would end without her. That I would be nothing without her. That I'm getting old, and she is much more attractive and outgoing than I am. That I wouldn't be able to find another like her.

Life on these boards, talking often with a sponsor, a DB Coach once a month, GALing and keeping a PMA has gotten me thinking much more of myself and my future - is a GOOD way.

I will continue to pray, be loving (while detached) and think of a new future without her, as a part-time (great) dad, and eventually with someone else - if she cant' heal herself in the M.

When you get to the point where you aren't scared to death for your M to end, I think you'll start to see some HOPE.

Stay strong.

NM

PS I did read the Homer electronic book. It was OK, simplistic at times, and not as good as MWD or some of the other Wise Women and Men on these boards.


M: 48
H: 42
M: 14 yrs
3 kids
Bomb: 05/21/08
Status: Limbo

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Kristi,

I have done the same things with H. Getting baited into these kinds of convos and realizing too late that I should have let it all go. I know it is so hard to maintain discipline, especially when he is ugly to you, but try to be calm and let him be the bad guy. Don't give him anything to justify his stupid decisions.

Newme is right and all the advice and insight on this board is slowly sinking in.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1701013&page=0&fpart=1

Me-33
D-10
S-11 months
T-8/M-7
Bomb 4/05
Sep 8/08
Moving to the big D...
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HEY GUYS.

Well let me tell you what happened this afternoon. I went home for lunch and my papers arrived from my lawyer. He finally filed our complaint. In the papers it stated that we both had to take a parenting class and then meet with a mediator about custody arrangements. Apparently he got his info too and in talking to him, he exploded. Also let me say that when I went to the lawyer I stated I did not want a divorce. I also did not beleive our marriage was "irrevocably broken".. So to answer his complain I denied that claim.

I have stated to him that I will give him what he wants. But I do not and will never beleive it is the right thing to do. Maybe it is moral thing within me, but I DO NOT believe either one of us gave it the quality effort it deserved. Therefore, when he read this he was irrate. He said I lied and that I said I would not stop the divorce which I am not doing. I didn't need to get a lawyer and file anything. I could wait the 2 year period in Pa and then let the court sign the papers. However I moved forward with it because I had to.

He wanted us to make our own custody arrangements. HE wanted to control the whole thing and now that he isnt' he is livid and all he says is how much he hates me and how we will fight in court and how he is going to make it ugly etc.. All I could say is this is what you wanted and I am giving it to you. I didn't do anything wrong. I did exactly as I was advised. He tried to say I was wrong, my lawyer was wrong, everything is wrong. I know alot of this comes from his hurt, but to hear it and seperate that is wearing me out. I can't do it anymore. It is all becoming one. It is getting harder to seperate that the words and actions are because he is losing control and not because he sincerely means them.

Where I thought there was love it is quickly becoming hate. And I don't know how to stop that.

Kristi


M:35
H:39
S:13
D:9
M:10 yrs
T:12 yrs
Bomb 2/9/08
Divorce filed 10/17/08
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Don't say "I didn't do anything wrong." Instead, validate and say "I'm sorry you feel that way," and add "I did what I felt I needed to do."

He doesn't deserve anything more than that from you.

Puppy

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PUPPY,

Well I actually did say I did what I felt I needed to, along with the I didn't do anything wrong.

Several times he called tonight or I called him. Basically he got to the point where he just said I Don't Love you Anymore. So with that. I ache, I hurt and I know it is over. He says he loves me because I am the mother of his children but other than that he doesn't. So there is really no need to DB anymore. Or even try.

I am going to move the divorce along as quickly as possible so he can be happy and free. All sense of hope is gone right now. I am sure he meant it. He wasn't trying to be mean. He wasn't saying it in a hurtful tone or because he was really angry just a I am fed up this will never work and I don't love you anymore ...kind of way.

So now it is time to just move on and figure out how to do that by myself without trying save my marriage in the process.


Kristi


M:35
H:39
S:13
D:9
M:10 yrs
T:12 yrs
Bomb 2/9/08
Divorce filed 10/17/08
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Kristi,

I'm sorry to jump in at possibly the wrong time but...I hear myself in your words, your feelings, your frustration....your impatience.

You cannot decide anything of value when you are so upset, angry, hurt, agitated, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc....


You and your H are pushing each others buttons so rapidly it's like gunfire when Desert Storm started.

Just stop....it feels like hell doesn't it???

Get out of the fire pit!!!

Let go of everything. Don't do anything, or say anything more while you are so emotionally entangled!

It's hard to 'get'...but, don't say anything more until you are in a completly....completly differnt place. Just put up the STEEL CURTAIN and be a STUBBORN donkey and don't let down.

Your H says so many things just because they come out of his mouth at the time. WORDs WORDs WORDs...mean NOTHING!!

You may stress over each word, believe in each word, make decisions based on each word he says. And, in a month...he'll tell you either he never said such things...or, 'well, stupid things are said in an angry discussion'. And he blows it all off. This happened EVERY SINGLE time my H and I had arguments like you've had this week.

This is why you have to detach from his MIND. His MIND is crazy and makes NO SENSE.

Stop believing your H....and believe what people tell you here. I am not a good enough writer to explain this well enough...but, I have learned a lot from your listeners/readers. Your listeners/readers have reinforced the efforts I have made to detach.

It took me WAY over 18 months to truly feel detached....detached enough to then....LET GO.

You are going through the emotions and steps needed to get to that place.

I see 'that place' as OUT OF the SH*T PIT your H is in.

Your H stinks right now. Let him stink alone!!


Your H feels SO much better when you are right there with him...yelling, arguing, screaming....blah, blah, blah.

Your H feels better when you are being like him!

Your H right now.... is UGLY. DON'T be like him!!


Sophie

~~
Me-50
H-38
Married 15 years 8/7/08
D8
S10
S13
H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer
H moved out 4/06

7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly
10/30/08 H signed D papers
11/10/08 D papers filed
11/13/08 D papers served at home
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Sophie,

Thank you. I needed that.

I don't even know how many times my H and I talked today. I don't even know what all the conversations were about in the end. But I know the last time we spoke all he said was.. is that it...I just want to go and be sad by myself now. I felt so bad. Actually let me say part of me secretly felt good. It was the first sign that he has some kind of emotions other than hate and anger toward me. He would say he was sad, but it was always said in a conversational tone and it seemed like words. This time I could actually hear the sadness and I swear I hear the break in his voice that sounded like tears coming thru and I thought..finally some real emotion.

I got off the phone and like always I wanted to call back and tell him I loved him etc..but I didn't it just doesn't matter anymore. I guess I am in such a place that I don't see the way out of this for our marriage. A possible way out for me...yes, but not our marriage and so that is what is so sad.

I hear what you are saying about words just being words...but somehow they still hurt so bad.

I am trying to get out combat, but I want to get out without anyone getting killed if you know what I mean. I feel like we are either constantly injuring one another and taking each other down and I am just worried that one day one of us is going to hit the fatal blow and then there will be nothing left of our relationship. NOTHING>


I am feeling slightly better.

Thanks again.

Kristi


M:35
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S:13
D:9
M:10 yrs
T:12 yrs
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Divorce filed 10/17/08
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Originally Posted By: Kristi R
PUPPY,

Well I actually did say I did what I felt I needed to, along with the I didn't do anything wrong.

Several times he called tonight or I called him. Basically he got to the point where he just said I Don't Love you Anymore. So with that. I ache, I hurt and I know it is over. He says he loves me because I am the mother of his children but other than that he doesn't. So there is really no need to DB anymore. Or even try.

I am going to move the divorce along as quickly as possible so he can be happy and free. All sense of hope is gone right now. I am sure he meant it. He wasn't trying to be mean. He wasn't saying it in a hurtful tone or because he was really angry just a I am fed up this will never work and I don't love you anymore ...kind of way.

So now it is time to just move on and figure out how to do that by myself without trying save my marriage in the process.


Kristi


Oh please, SO MUCH DRAMA!!!! Self-pity isn't very attractive, Kristi -- knock it off. What he says doesn't mean much right now -- you know that.

Have a good cry, and get back on your DB horse tomorrow. I'm going to check back on you and make sure you do, too, or you're gonna get a good spanking.

Puppy

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PUPPY...

I honestly don't know if I can DB anymore. He is sending me all these emails about the custoday arrangements he wants and how he wants to be civil. He doesn't want to fight with me but he has nothing left to give.

He said he tried this summer to see if it would work but what he did was validate his point that we couldn't be together.

In my opinion, all he reall did was try to validate his opinion that it wouldn't work all summer. He didn't actually work on the marriage nor work on trying to make anything between us better. He says it was over the summer he realized that the issues we have just were not going to go away and that we just couldn't be togher.
My only comeback to that is that if you are searching and searching for every reason NOT to be together or make it work then that is what you are going to get. IF he truly wanted to make the marriage work then he would have seen all the postives that were going on as well. But that isn't the case.

So he every chance he got he would say..see this is why we will never be married or ..this is why we can't make it work.etc..

NEVER once did he ever say..wow..keep this going and we could really turn this around. Or anything to that effect. That was what I was saying. NOT him.
So at this point I can not possibly see how I could ever get him to change now. I can not see how when it got this far and he desperately needed to validate and justify his reasonings for leaving how in God's name I could make him think twice or want to work on the marriage now.

I will continue to work on me. Because I have to. I will continue to set goals for me, because I need to. But unless I am totally missing something here what good is DB going to do when it is so clear that he is checked out and done with the M???

Kristi


M:35
H:39
S:13
D:9
M:10 yrs
T:12 yrs
Bomb 2/9/08
Divorce filed 10/17/08
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