"What I need to know now, is is it possible for me to detach and give him the space and time he is asking for and both of us live in the same house? I just don't know if it is."
Dear Wifey,
((((((hugh hugs))))
I do not know if it is possible for you to give him some space if you are together. Here is what I know about MY sitch. Our lawyers are going to have a "telephone" conference on Tuesday morning, and I'm shattered too.
But, in my defense, my attorney is going to ask for an "uncontested divorce" with the stipulation that we both stay in the marital home at least twice a week together for 6 to 8 months. And, we must also have a visit with a mediator who has a background in marriage counseling and not a background as an attorney, to discuss the terms of the separation agreement.
I do NOT know what the outcome will be. I do know that we both want the house. He wants the D, and I do not.
His 'incentive' will be that I will give him the house if it does not work out, with my half being paid for, of course. All of this rather than fighting it out in court and losing everything.
I do know that it is possible for two divorcing people to live in the same house as long as you both "respect" each other's boundaries. I do know that my H did not "respect" my boundaries on Friday night when he was *whispering* on the phone in the next room, right in FRONT of me, probably to his OW, and so we had a fight and he has pulled away, yet again. But, I'm OK with that right at this moment. I was not OK with it on Friday or yesterday.
(I probably need to add this to my NEW & IMPROVED thread).
Maybe I screwed up again, but I finally was able to get my boundaries spoken. He was angry, threatened again to have the phone cut off on me. Said he was my husband "legally but not in spirit." I said my boundaries were no phone calls and whispering. No driving past the house. (He did that this morning and told me so).
So, I totally messed up. Need to be on meds. I've been sleeping on and off.
Don't feeling like posting much.
Thank you all for your feedback last night, but I'm the fool for love, I guess. Can't deal with this anymore for awhile. Thank you all. Will lurk later, maybe.
Suzanne, messing up is okay. I don't think you did tho. Sleeping on & off is killer for the nervous system. Have you tried melatonin, or valerian ?
I've been on lorazepam & wellbutrin for about 2 years now. I finally started sleeping through the night when my doctor added proxac.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Maybe I screwed up again, but I finally was able to get my boundaries spoken. He was angry, threatened again to have the phone cut off on me. Said he was my husband "legally but not in spirit." I said my boundaries were no phone calls and whispering. No driving past the house. (He did that this morning and told me so). So, I totally messed up. Need to be on meds. I've been sleeping on and off.
Don't feeling like posting much.
Thank you all for your feedback last night, but I'm the fool for love, I guess. Can't deal with this anymore for awhile. Thank you all. Will lurk later, maybe.
hugs, s
You did NOT mess up. You need boundaries, YOU are IMPORTANT, too!!!
Now, just think about consequences,small, not methods of killing him or divorcing him.
Don't sweat it...you did the right thing. The right thing sometimes gives us knots in our stomach. I bet your toes look awesome, and he knows it. We KNOW her toes aren't so cute.
Last edited by sgctxok; 07/27/0806:25 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
But, in my defense, my attorney is going to ask for an "uncontested divorce" with the stipulation that we both stay in the marital home at least twice a week together for 6 to 8 months.
Are you sure about this? Forcing him to spend time with you is likely to cause resentment, more than bringing you closer together.
I haven't read up on your whole sitch so my apologies for not knowing all the background. This just jumped out at me and I wanted to mention it.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
This is really a variation of what my DB coach suggested to me, when we last spoke. I am not sure about anything, but who knows? It's worth a try rather than fighting it out for the house, no?
its an interesting approach Suzanne. Definitly different. BUt in all our sitchs, different is good. Just don't force anything.....that is one thing i would be leery of.....if you force him to be there with you and force him to go to MC, then he could end up resenting that.......and you'd be back where you started.....ya know?
IDK...just my 2 cents..
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Suzanne - Thanks for all your comments on my thread.
I'm not sure what to say to you in your sitch as, for me, when OP become involved, it adds a whole new other dimension that your fighting against. I mean, you mentally cannot accept it I don't think, I know I can't. It's tough as it is, but I definately feel those without OP in their sitches can DB easier.
We will be ok though. Sleep is essentila for us so i'm off to bed shortly myself. 10.10pm in UK
I honestly need your advice now. I can...not stop calling my H. He is patient with me most of the time, but I do get out of hand and it's freaking me out! Seriously, How do I stop calling him? I'm addicted to it. Please help.
