Is there any hope- EVER- after a divorce?

[Pheline]

I wonder how often these efforts work? I'm miserable and in pain. I'm technically separated but DH views it as divorce. I'm moving in with friends soon- he gets the house and kids most of the time- scheduled to change in 6 mos. He won't talk to me about ... much of anything without defensiveness. I initially filed divorce after feeling for years like my marriage would end any day, regret it, but we've never made progress in counseling for the past 15 years. I felt shut down for a long time and was physically present in counseling but not entirely emotionally invested because I was terrified to try. He walked out then, stating he had changed and now I had to start changing.

months later he declined to go again.

hopeless, I found an attorney.

then, months later we tried again but it seemed he wouldn't invest emotionally in counseling.

I suggested Controlled Separation and he agreed in principle but didn't follow through.

Then we mediated a legal separation.

He tells me he gave up because I wouldn't admit I need to change. I believe I have admitted it and made steps toward change.

He tells me he admits he needs to change, but *never to me*- his words. IOW, I believe I have to declare to him that *I* need to change, but he doesn't.

And, yes, I know I needed to change.

is this hopeless? What can I do? I don't want my family split. I don't want to give up. It is so painful that the only way I see the pain ending, as opposed to being covered and fading- is for clarity to come of this, solutions to be sought.....

[K4D]

There is always hope if you want to put forth the effort. Many M's have ended in D and come back together again years down the road to be much better and more fulfilling.

K4D

[RonD]

Pheline,

My divorce was final 7/31/09, after almost 20 years of marriage. She has now moved back in, we are discussing marriage and adopting our grandson...together. And our relationship IS stronger now than at any time in the past. So yeah, anything is possible if you want to work for it.

[dday101798]

I think I answered in a similar thread, perhaps also started by you Pheline, but yes, sometimes like in my case the D actually happening clenses the souls of those involved and finaly brings closure to the years of summounted problems.

Now D is to the extreme, since you're not, stall it. Spend some time living seperated and give yourselves time to work on your individual issues and become attractive to each other again and in turn, miss each other.

And as K4D said, in my case, although we are just getting started on a new path together, the love we had for each other even through the thick and thin of D never ceased (seemed like it did at the time) and is now even stronger than it's ever been and just gets better with each passing day. I can't wait to live with my XW and kids again now that we all know what it's like to miss each other so much.

[RonD]

dday, that last sentence says it all. Glad to see things going so well for you.

[dday101798]

Thanks Ron. Havent seen anything on how things are for you? I guess as they say, no news is good news?

[goldeylox]

Google Retrouvaille or try to find Sara or Dr. LOve on the boards.
Yes, there is hope after a divorce.

[RonD]

dday, outside of D18 causing some grief, things are going great. XW and I are adopting our grandson, should be done by middle of next month. Things have been moving along as well as could be hoped for. After much consideration, I'm going to propose to XW on Christmas Eve. Wish me luck!

[dday101798]

Ron,

You have my luck for sure, but so soon? I guess if it feels right then hey, by all means.

[Pheline]

I started this thread some time ago- and since then XH has gotten nasty, vindictive, continues to split the children, denies me access to my children and property.

Funny thing- I was *over* him a long time ago, then rekindled hope to spare my children from the nasty way the divorce was proceeding. XH lied repeatedly during the process- about the purpose of the CFI, about doing a Controlled Separation, about actually trying during counseling over the summer- he was lying until the weekend before the trial date.

and I believed him.

So, I'm out and I regret allowing myself to be vulnerable to hope because it has left me raw during a time when I should have been further along in this process. I wish I'd stuck to the path of ending this abusive marriage all along instead of opening myself up to possibility again.

do I feel like I gave it a last good shot? Oh yes, more than. But I'd given it a last good shot already, a year ago last August. I much preferred feeling distanced from him to letting myself be ripped open again- not to mention the damage it did to my children to see me try one more time (and now they believe I didn't...)

ah well. Moving on.