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#2233004 03/24/12 12:45 PM
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I have read and reread many times the Sex Starved Marriage book. After 7 years of trying everything except a sex coach, I realize that there won't be any marital sex in my life. I am 50, so its very very hard and I am very unhappy about it.

There is so much advice about how to not get to this point, but not too much about how to live like this. SSW has a very small portion dedicated to this issue. It talks about a woman like me, but said she had to cultivate a "zen like" acceptance.

BOY - I would really like some tips or more advice about this. !! How do people get to a place where they are OK that sex won't be a part of their marriage?

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Hi mndisfam,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Can you provide more detail about why you are in this bind? What does H say?

When did sex stop and why? Was it ever "good"?

It sounds like you feel you've tried about everything -- what have you tried and why do you feel it hasn't worked?

I know that "The Captain" on this board is married and hasn't had sex in over 14 years, not by his choice, he may be able to chime in on acceptance.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Quote:
How do people get to a place where they are OK that sex won't be a part of their marriage?


I think the more important question is ... Why would you seek to achieve that place.

I lived in an SSM and got divorced in Yr 12. We had sex, it was just boring and passionless once a week, mechanical bonking. I couldn't live with a man who fundamentally didn't understand, or want to explore, the limits of his own sexuality. For whatever reason, he couldn't or wouldn't do it - so I left.

I'm pleased I did. turns out I was missing lots of great life experiences in that relationship where we were two people at two completely different levels of personal development.

Good luck. V


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You don't need to live like this. We have coaches that are experts in this arena. Your coach will help you come up with a new way of looking at your situation and the best way to go forward. If you haven't read Sex Starved Wife by Michele, you should definitely do so. If you call, I will be happy to discuss with you. Take care, Karen


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
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Originally Posted By: KarenR
You don't need to live like this.


While this is true, the real answer depends upon a question of context: does mndisfam wish to remain married to her husband AND is her husband authentically willing to do the work required to address the situation?

Mndisfam: if your husband is not willing to address this, then in the context of a sexually faithful marriage, then you are stuck. Short of s direct and credibale threat to either engage in one or more sexual affairs or threat to end the marriage that he sees as a threat to his personal view of why he should remain in the marriage, you will see no change.

Sometimes the choice (and the coaching) will be as Virginia (aka Walking) has stated...ending a marriage and engaging in a different life.

As for your question of Zen...it is actually a matter of accepting that you are giving up any and all expectations of sex if you wish to remain married to this person. You know longer try to entice or elicit a sexual response.

It is not an altogether smooth transition to this view and there will be periods of frustration, self-pity and even potentially self-destructive behavior because "why bother?" Eventually, this showed up in my weight ( a gradual self-pity party) that I finally took control over a couple of years ago. Don't let this happen to you and if it has, take control of this part of your life. Your partner may not appreciate it and may even be threatened by it but take care of your basic health for your self. I've dropped 68 pounds from my highest weight 4-1/2 years ago (and weight had never been a problem in my life).

Believe me, from a male perspective, I can empathize with you. If you had told me, at the age 43 that my sex life with my current wife was about to come to an end (and I was experiencing a certain disappointment at the frequency of sex in marriage at that time), I would have told you that you were crazy and that this was just a phase we were going through. Next Friday, on April 6, it will be 15 years since the last sex in this marriage.

I am not happy about this aspect of our marriage and nothing I say or do as long as I stay faithful to the marriage and stay in the marriage will change this. Let's face it, if we stay married to these people, the people who are committed to being non-sexual (and that is what they are) hold all the cards until we divorce them and/or go into sexual affairs with others.

I haven't found myself willing to do either. I wouldn't be surprised if you feel the same way.

The Captain


Last sex: 04/06/1997
Last attempt: 11/11/1997
W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997
W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998
I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds.
Start running again (marathons)
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One other thing, you maintain friendship without romance. That is how this is survivable.

The Captain


Last sex: 04/06/1997
Last attempt: 11/11/1997
W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997
W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998
I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds.
Start running again (marathons)

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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