Hey there. Please give me your opinion on this 180 I am considering doing with my WAW
Me: 47, Stuck in Canada because of immigration problems, halfway through the process.
She: 41, American, married me 4 months ago, now says she wants a divorce and is unwilling to complete the immigration forms so I can come back home to her.
We: Have been together 4 years, and up until she dropped this bomb, we had been the best of friends. We still love each other, she just doesn't know if she feels "in love" with me anymore, so says that she wants out.
In our 4 years together, we have only had one fight. It seems our love relationship lacks the fire and passion that each of us has experienced with other people many times before.
Now I am thinking part of our problem is we have turned ourselves into wimps. We have been unwilling to stand up and fight for things with each other.
The good news is, by her decision to walk away, I know she is affirming to us both that she wants and deserves more than what she has had with me.
I still believe we can have all that she wants and more once we are truly committed to each other.
The 180 I am considering is instead of being so cheerful and optimistic all the time, and instead of worrying so much about scaring her away by telling her how I REALLY feel - by telling her that I am actually FURIOUS about what we are still doing to each other. Namely, refusing to fight with each other to get the things we want.
Right now we are thousands of miles apart. I have not spoken or texted her for a couple of days, which is completely out of the ordinary for me.
She will undoubtedly by contacting me soon, wondering, possibly even asking where I have been or how come I haven't texted her...
And I am unsure of what to say.
Can you offer me any perspective or suggestions?
Thanks very much.
Mike
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I'm not sure what to tell you, 'cause I have no idea how your wife will react. So I'll tell you what I DO know, which is how this kind of thing played out in my marriage.
We didn't fight before, during, or after our split. Not because I was doing a considered 180, but just because I was angry/ frustrated/ desperate, there were a number of times when I hollered at him "Why won't you fight with me?" I felt like we had to argue out our differences or we were doomed and his refusal to fight meant to me that he wasn't really trying to fix things. He responded, "I love you! Why would I want to fight with you?" In retrospect, I can see that by trying to initiate "a talk" every time he spoke to me, I became someone he couldn't come to to tell about his day or get support when he was down. I pushed him away. Mort Fertel, another of these online marriage "gurus," argues that working through difficult issues, while clearly necessary for living with another person for a lifetime, is a "withdrawal" to your relationship bank account and therefore you can't afford to do it when your relationship is already near bankrupt. That rings true in my experience.
I don't know your wife, so maybe this is just the thing YOU need to do. I wish you well figuring it out.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
Since this is about 180's. Rather than a 180 focused on not pushing her away, the concept is that you want her to have space and not smoother her. That is a fine line.
In the OP's contemplation of 180's maybe figuring out if there is a different way to relate to her might be another 180. When I say this, I recognize that the OP may be "pushing too hard." However, in giving someone space, you can still make them feel loved, respected, even if it is from a distance.
Everyone needs to feel loved, that is a very basic need. Allowing one's wife freedom and space doesn't mean one has withold things that allow that person to feel loved.
My suggestion would be to take a quick look at the following and see if there is something there that the OP might recognize as a language of love that his wife craves and hasn't been getting.
