Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2191140 10/06/11 06:24 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
My Brief Story:
My wife and I are LDR with about a month left until we have to go to court for dissolution of marriage. The thing is I can tell she is really second-guessing, and tells me how much she wants me to come meet her just days before divorce, but still thinks divorce is the answer. Whenever I talk to her she always brings up good times we had together and fun things we've done, recently she started complimenting me for no reason, I even catch her using pet names once a while.

Analyze This:
Before she wanted a divorce I now know the reason why was because I was so uncontrollable and didn't know that I had a problem with bipolar disorder. I had PTSD after leaving the navy of every argument I had in cheif's quarters, usually about them pressuring me to get divorced to fit their image. I had jealousy issues over a way-to-close friend of hers, which nothing happened. I was oversexed and insecure, which was why she refiled about 3 weeks after we cancelled the first time.

How I Changed For The Better:
When I received the second papers,I was dissapointed in her for a while, then I completely fell apart for a month after. Then I got mad, I researched everything I get my hands on. E-books, paperbacks, probably hundreds of articles, even a few forums, but I grew tired of not receiving any help. It wasn't until I found the "180/last chance technique" articles that I can hear smile
I picked back up bodybuilding, and lost about 15 pounds since, more now that I've switched to a vegetarian diet just for a few months. I went to the VA and got help for my depression. I even registered at started on a college.

Analyze That:
The thing is I know where she's coming from, because her parents had a divorce. Although her father stuck around and sleeps on the couch while supporting the family,even though he's got a family and a severe alcohol problem. And her mom is severly depressed by this. Pretty much all of her brothers and sisterd do to. So I could understand why she thinks life will get better after a divorce.

What I have Done So Far...
I have implimented so many ebooks and information. I already had a good grasp of things from the start because I used to read psychology and dating books like crazy. I tried NC three times before we started talking regularly. Even though I managed to make so much progress there is still some friction when it comes to our relationship. So I started using the last resort technique with only about a month left, right after we had an awesome convorsation and I got her laughing so hard and feeling so good.

And Now
Everything has not been all sunshine and roses. I have sunken into a deep dark depression from all the stresses in my life and had to quit school for this semester to give me more time to myself. Twenty-three year olds should not have to deal with adapting to civilian life, managing bipolar before it turns into a suical attempt, college studies, and divorce all in a few months. But lately I have enjoyed my free time a lot more. I was calling her once or twice every weekend but have decided to stop so she can start to get the feeling of what life will be like without me. I started a hardcore pulling back from giving her value and changed my old dating profile she always uses to spy on me to read "Just here to move on". I just got a call from her a while ago but wasn't in the mood to talk to her.


I do have a general plan of how to act now that I have platonically dated about 15 girls. So I know how to flow without pressuring or being awkward in a bad way. When I see her I will be sleeping in a hotel so I can retreat from her after spending enough time together. every meal we eat at a restaurant will be dutch, and I will not give first hugs, or massages, or anything like that. Until she gives me the sign wink I also have a romantic last chance gift to give her,without request for praise in return. In our storage is a diary she used to keep of every text message and every IM before we married. At one time she begged me to complete it for her but I was pushing away from everyone I was so depressed. I am considering filling it out and leaving it behind with a sweet letter to her wishing her a happy life. I have done too much to let go of her but at the same time I can't let her keep me around as a friend until she feels better. As far as I see it...She was there for me when I was suicidal and going through a younglife crisis, now it's my turn to be there for her.

Am I going about this in the right way?

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
Update:
In the past few days I have been severly depressed and couldn't even drag myself out the door to socialize with other people. I guess it doesn't help either that I may also have high functioning Asperger's syndrome and get the most anxiety in crouded places without medication. Atleast according to my parents who think I have it.

In the past two days she has called atleast once or twice after work but I just can't bring myself to talk to her just yet. I am not trying to be mean, it's just I have decided to breakup with her so she can have her alone time without me. I'm second guessing wether or not we really can reconcile after all.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
How much IC have you and are you receiving now? You may have read a ton of relationship books, but when you say that you've dated 15 girls (I'm assuming since this happened), that's a little odd.

I get the idea of talking to other women to get a perspective on your W. I do. But when you say 15 women, it doesn't sound like a guy who wants to save his marriage. Either you're doing it to heal your damaged ego, which isn't fair to the OW, or you really aren't serious about your M.

You say that you've done a 180 on yourself. But what you don't understand is that a 180 in DR terms is changing things that damaged your M, not just working on yourself. What have you done to repair the things she didn't like about the M?

What were the issues she had with you? Start from there.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
How much IC have you and are you receiving now? You may have read a ton of relationship books, but when you say that you've dated 15 girls (I'm assuming since this happened), that's a little odd.

I get the idea of talking to other women to get a perspective on your W. I do. But when you say 15 women, it doesn't sound like a guy who wants to save his marriage. Either you're doing it to heal your damaged ego, which isn't fair to the OW, or you really aren't serious about your M.

You say that you've done a 180 on yourself. But what you don't understand is that a 180 in DR terms is changing things that damaged your M, not just working on yourself. What have you done to repair the things she didn't like about the M?

What were the issues she had with you? Start from there.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
Ok first things first, you can't make me out to be some adulterer from just talking to other women. I take myself out of those situations where the relationship can become anything serious or anything sexual because I pride myself on being faithful. It hasn't always been easy at times but I would rather be divorced knowing that I was faithful and trust worthy than another bad guy out there.

I have been racking my brain repeatedly in order to figure out what exactly went wrong in our relationship in order to gain new insight. Sure there were issues with the military, my mother, jealousy issues over a emotional predator, and some deeper issues on both sides. What took me forever to realize was that she did love me all those times she said she took it back. It's not that she fell out of love, I just turned her off repeatedly.

So I've been working on myself, reading relationship books, and getting back to that person I was when I met her. I realize that I was a lot more calm, gentle, interesting back then. A lot of these issues we had leading up to the divorce were because of my irrational and angry outbursts that must have made her feel she wasn't pleasing me.

So far we have only been talking twice a week which mainly involved me calling her on after work Friday and Saturday. But when her family rat into problems and decided to divorce for good we ran into a whole new set of problems. She was cold and uncarring about wether or not I slept on the streets when I saw her again. So I just ended the convorsation as quickly and politely as I could. Then left her a voice mail telling her that I understood what she was going through. She could take as long as she needs to get through with this, and that I would be here when she is ready to talk again. She called later that day to apologize and became much more open and responsive to me again. She even started playfully teasing me like before which is always a great sign. Although I still have some mysteries left in me, I can't throw all my cards on the table at once.

Once I realized that "the last resort" technique and all of this active disinterest was really more of an opportunity to get attraction in return than get her to miss me. This all too familiar concept came back to me because it was just what I used to date before. Now I know there is no need to play games or follow stupid advice I read online because I already knew the answer but was too unsure to use it.

I don't feel worried anymore about all this pressure to reconcile before divorce because I no longer feel the need to control the situation. I know what attracted her to me in the first place and feel more in touch with that person than before. I don't even worry about reconcilling divorce anymore because I am ready to tell her goodbye for good.


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard