Sex as 180? While he's with OW??

[anyhope]

Is this a good idea?
One of our major issues was not enough sex. He would initiate and I'd turn him down to a point where he no longer would initiate, and the rear times we would do it was just to 'do it'
This is really the major reason he decided to go for OW.
I knew months before he dropped the bomb that something has to change in that department, but we were so disconnected at this point I didn't know how to approach him.
When he left and came back to work on things what really happened was.. Nothing.. He came back, he was miserable and I asked him why, and he said he wasn't happy, nothing has changed.. So I told him that he hasn't changed, have not said sorry for cheating ( which I now know I might as well forget about) he just came home. I asked of he expected me to be happy he's back and jump him, and we'd have amazing sex and live happily ever after? He said yes..
I also asked him once while he was seeing her if he wants to have sex just to see what he says and he said yes (it was just a test, we didn't have sex)
In almost every conversation we had about us until now he mentioned he does not want to live without sex.
In most of our talks about us when I asked him if he wants us to work on things he said yes, so I'm really thinking that what he really needs is really sex.
I know he likes me, I know he still loves me as a person, we still live under the same roof, he is still my husband...
Should I initiate sex as a 180? As for me it would be a 180?
Right now he is not emotionally connected to me at all. He's not really sorry about things not working out because he knows that while I'm nice and all I don't give him what the ow does. So im really thinking I should try to see again if he'd say yes and really do it, so we have some kind of emotional connection, where he does care about me and does see me as a woman.
Of course I'd plan on doing the rest of the 180s and distancing so he has his space, but feels somewhat connected to me. I'm not thinking of jumping him every day, so he's so tired he doesn't go to her, just say once a week so we have something going between us until he finally (hopefully) gets rid of OW and is ready to discuss the rest of our issues..

[25yearsmlc]

You are asking a tough question. A variety of opinions abound. Many are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases and others are concerned about cake eating.

I'm not of either of those opinions in your situation. ASSUMING the OW isn't a skank ho,

then you have to look at what your role was in the m's problems. A lack of sex (translation--massive, repeated rejection of your h) was a biggie.

Is this a good idea?
One of our major issues was not enough sex. He would initiate and I'd turn him down to a point where he no longer would initiate, and the rear times we would do it was just to 'do it'
This is really the major reason he decided to go for OW.

I assume he SAID ^^^this? Remember that SOME A's happen even if you have sex often. Some h's/w's get really "Entitled" and selfish.

Sometimes a spouse wants a new lover and is simply being selfish. Other times you know the LBSer played a role.

I say that No man comes home for the great sex he NEVER had...


I knew months before he dropped the bomb that something has to change in that department, but we were so disconnected at this point I didn't know how to approach him.
When he left and came back to work on things what really happened was.. Nothing..


Then you know THAT didn't work. Why didn't you see someone for the sex issues?


He came back, he was miserable and I asked him why, and he said he wasn't happy, nothing has changed.. So I told him that he hasn't changed, have not said sorry for cheating ( which I now know I might as well forget about) he just came home.
Then make the new boundaries clear and real OR he'll leave and never work on things every time he feels like it. IOW you took him back without any changes and neither of you made any...so how could you think it would be different?

I asked of he expected me to be happy he's back and jump him, and we'd have amazing sex and live happily ever after? He said yes..

Not a mature answer...but a real one. So who goes first? You or him? Oh, he's gone and you want to work on the m...so it's YOUR Turn b/c that's what we do here at DB...we go first. KWIM?


I also asked him once while he was seeing her if he wants to have sex just to see what he says and he said yes (it was just a test, we didn't have sex)


Why were you testing him? Did he pass? Sooo....what's up with this^^^?? I don't get it.


In almost every conversation we had about us until now he mentioned he does not want to live without sex.

Few men do! Few women do! And you are awfully young to give up a happy sex life as well. Have you seen a doctor for your low sex drive or is there some other problem going on?? This is a biggie.

I know he likes me, I know he still loves me as a person, we still live under the same roof, he is still my husband...

Should I initiate sex as a 180? As for me it would be a 180?

I agree it would be a 180. I simply want to know if you'll be prepared to have NO expectations other than feeling good atm. Can you do THAT?

Or will you ask him afterwards a bunch of questions about whether it was "good" or if he loves you and blah blah blah...you cannot do that.

You would do a real 180 if you simply enjoyed it AND let him know that.


Right now he is not emotionally connected to me at all. He's not really sorry about things not working out because he knows that while I'm nice and all I don't give him what the ow does. So im really thinking I should try to see again if he'd say yes and really do it, so we have some kind of emotional connection, where he does care about me and does see me as a woman.

Did you read The Five Love Languages? Sounds as if his LL is physical touch. And yours is what?

I know you want HIM to take the first step and fix the emotional problems so you can feel close enough to ML...

and HE wants to ML so he can feel close enough to work on the emotional problems...so you are going in circles...

Much as I want to say go for it, it'd only be if you could handle it. Only YOU can answer that. And no one will judge you regardless of what you choose.


Of course I'd plan on doing the rest of the 180s and distancing so he has his space, but feels somewhat connected to me. I'm not thinking of jumping him every day, so he's so tired he doesn't go to her, just say once a week so we have something going between us until he finally (hopefully) gets rid of OW and is ready to discuss the rest of our issues..

If you can do it, why limit it?


Can you separate ML from emotional neediness he's not ready to address?

Having it enough to give him something to miss. You KNOW him better than she does.

She has the advantage of being new and...oh, That's it.

You have the history, the bonding that only years together brings...and oh, he loves you and you love him.

Make it good or don't do it.

And don't have expectations later on...at least not that you show him.

Also he will likely think you are doing this as a tactic, which is true.

Unless you are doing this as a new behavioral change YOU want to make for YOU

he won't trust it. And he'd be right b/c it would not be real...make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

ps

do you have more than one thread? Makes it a little hard to keep track of you.

Just sayin'

[anyhope]

It's funny you should mention that because the ow is a skank ho. So protection will be used for sure. I found some emails between them that's how I found out she was a hooker and he fell in love with her... I know it sounds bad.. It is bad.. And she's not even all that.

But you're right. I would only do it if I felt comfortable and if it was good, I know he wouldnt be impressed with something that's not good and if we were to have a normal marriage again at one point in the future then this would have to happen anyways.

[25yearsmlc]

I never got that she was a hooker...

good grief. I'm at a loss for words...

Geez...

[anyhope]

So am I.. Trust me. Yeah, I do have a few threads.. Couldnt decide if I belong to mlc or infidelity unfortunately I belong to both. And 180 which I have to do, but now that I rethink this.. This sex 180 is probably a stupid idea.. Do I really want to bend over backwards for someone who doesn't give a ... about how I feel? It's not like we have kids and I have to make it work.

[25yearsmlc]

geez

I want to DB with you. But your situation is a super toughie. Does it make a difference if there are kids? Should it?

IT DOES...as to whether it should...I think so.

So does that mean you have less of a motivation to work on it? I guess so.

SHOULD YOU?

IDK...I really don't know. TBH, if it were me...

well...

is your h rich? Guessing not...

Which makes me think if it were me, I'd own my part in things b/c it helps ME...

and probably just take it from there.

[anyhope]

Yup, done that. And I told him when he first came home and announced the ow and how he's no longer in love with me that while things went wrong, I don't really blame him for cheating and that we can make it through this. It's just that he doesnt want to. Too occupied with a happy new relationship to try. He did say at one point he would but that was only because ow wouldn't speak to him (saw phone records of him calling and calling and she didn't answer his calls) he told me it was over with her, but did nothing to make us work. He was depressed until about a week or 2 later the ow decided to be in touch with him again. I'm not sure why that was between them, but he showed no effort, and it hurt, and I told him looks like he's only back because ow doesn't want him. He said if she doesn't want him it's only because of me. I'm not sure if I should believe this because he's said so many things lately that are not even half true.

And no he is not rich, I mean he is ok with what he makes, but he has debt to pay off and that was also one I pushed him to do. He'd tell me first he'll re-pay all his credit cards and then his outstanding taxes. Well I've noticed recently that he uses his credit cards, only works half a days (he's self employed) takes out ow daily. I have no clue what they do, but he'd leave early afternoon and come home at midnight or later. Nearly every day. Last night he didn't come home at all, but I've seen on facebook that they took off to Niagara Falls, so I'm guessing they spent the night.

How do I live like this? I can't many nights he's not home I can't even sleep. I'm lucky I was sleepy last night or I could have waited all night.. For nothing.