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Joined: Nov 2010
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I've been DB for only about 6-7 weeks. I have seen H spend more time with the kids, less negative/more friendly but still no effort toward working on R. Our story is basically we've been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 8. 3 kids under 10. Four years ago we moved to a new city for his job. His new job had him hardly ever home and my grandmother and dad passed away unexpectantly within those first 6 months. I wasn't happy; dealing with their deaths, not having friends and family around in a strange city and feeling like a single parent. I tried talking to H about it, but nothing really changed for long. Little by little I pulled away emotionally. The last time (Nov) I tried to talk about my feeligns/our marriage H shocked me with the ILYBINILWY etc. This was the first time he'd let on he wasn't happy. Usually he would go on and on about how much he loved me/kids and how much he would lose if we split up. I think this shock made me realize I do want to work things out. At first he wanted D but I talked him into not moving forward until the end of school year. He also agreed at the time to try and work on our M. So far I haven't seen much of that effort (just like in the past). I've had coaching sessions, being GAL, being upbeat, trying to find ways to add time together and as a family, saying things of apprecitation, etc. While I was the one to 1st detach emotionally I've also been the one to run the house and H seemed to like that. So while I'm trying to do things that would be different, part of it feels like more of me running things in the house, & he letting me. I do't want to pull away altogether but trying to find a balance.
This last week I have been struggling with whether I am doing my 180 right.


Me-36
H-37
D11 S8 S6
M9
T19
ILYNILWY 11/10
discover EA 02/11
discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11
H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11
Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 570
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Originally Posted By: canadianMrs.
I've been DB for only about 6-7 weeks.

....I have seen H spend more time with the kids, less negative/more friendly but still no effort toward working on R.

....Little by little I pulled away emotionally. The last time (Nov) I tried to talk about my feeligns/our marriage H shocked me with the ILYBINILWY etc. This was the first time he'd let on he wasn't happy.

...So far I haven't seen much of that effort (just like in the past). I've had coaching sessions, being GAL, being upbeat, trying to find ways to add time together and as a family, saying things of apprecitation, etc.

....While I was the one to 1st detach emotionally I've also been the one to run the house and H seemed to like that. So while I'm trying to do things that would be different, part of it feels like more of me running things in the house, & he letting me. I do't want to pull away altogether but trying to find a balance.

...This last week I have been struggling with whether I am doing my 180 right.


What I see is that you have been at DB'ing for about 2 months and you started to pull away emotionally from your husband a little less than 4 years ago when you moved to your current city. You seem to want change to happen more quickly.

You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. Changing yourself (GAL) can increase your happiness. You can however also support your husband in changes that he undertakes and this is through emotional support and/or serving as a role model to him. If you need to speed things up, as you imply, then you probably need to get the two of you into marriage conseling, otherwise, repeat that this is a marathon and not a sprint.

So, what have you accomplished in your GAL process? Have you become happier? Has your husband noticed the changes in you and commented on them? Has he tried to participate in any of your changes?

It sounds like your husband is doing some changing by spending more time with your kids and being less negative. That is a start.

What kinds of things do you want him to do or changes to make? How will you support him if he does a few things right? Have you forgiven him for the pain he has caused you and are you providing him with daily emotional love and support?

Your specific question on balance in 180's is interesting. Someone has to run the house, especially with children around and it sounds like he has a demanding job. Finding good 180's is about changing the way the two of you interact and supporting positive changes in your spouse.

If the original problems were you withdrawing emotionally and his traveling with work. It sounds like there has been modest improvement in his traveling and in his level of "negativeness" toward you. What are you doing to reward these behavior changes?

Similarly, if part of the issue was your emotional withdrawal, what have you been doing to be emotionally there for him as part of your 180's?

Good luck to you, it sounds like you really care about your husband and your family and want to rebuild your relationship with your husband. That is wonderful and he is a lucky person.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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