Wife wants separation, is there still hope?

[OfficerInNeed]

I have a long back story but I will keep it short. My W and I have been together for 10 years and a couple months now. We have only been married for 5 months. For a good part of our relationship I became a jerk toward her and started to exhibit controlling behavior. I was so insecure about losing her that I tried to dictate everything she did. In addition I felt the need to put her down and lower her self-esteem from time to time so she would feel as if I was the only who wanted her. So after years of mental and emotional abuse my W wants to separate from me. These actions became our way of life. From time to time she would indicate that I was mean and that I hurt her and stupid me would just blow it off like it was nothing that she was overreacting and when she told me she would leave in the past I would just think she was bluffing because she would not leave. Turns out she loved me more than I ever thought.

All was not bad in our past. We have shared some great times and have many good memories together. Despite my actions and words we both felt that we were meant for each other. We have so much in common.

Although we had some rough times and I was not would you would call a “great person” neither one of us had second thoughts about getting married. Shortly after our marriage we fulfilled a dream we had for so long and bought our first home. At the time I was living the dream, great career, beautiful wife and a house. Unfortunately marriage did not change my ways and much of the same abuse continued. It just felt routine and one day I pushed her to her breaking point.

She broke the news to me on January 24th that she wanted a separation. At first I thought she was bluffing again but as the hours past since she walked out the door I then realized she was not playing a game. She did return home that night after having a serious conversation with her father. I tried to apologize and talk to her about the situation but she just shut me out. My W did express to me her feelings and what brought it to this point (I already knew). She told me “I love you but I am not in love with you” and that it was over.

With all the silent treatment I too had time to myself to thing about what went wrong. The more I would recollect on the past and replay in my head things I have said or done to her the more I knew the severity of our situation and reality struck me right in the gut and I knew I was going to lose the love of my life.

So I started to apologize and beg for another chance. I would constantly tell her “I will change.” She simply said in response “I can never forgive you or forget and therefore can never be happy so it is over.”

Knowing what caused this I began to seek help. I started to speak to a counselor that my job provided. I was able to gain control of my anger problems and ways to improve on my insecurities. I realized how messed up I really was but how now had a better understanding, a clear head and a whole new outlook on life. I have a greater appreciation for wife and our marriage and now more than ever wanted to work thought this situation.

My wife had refused counseling. She was sure it would not work. We are five weeks later and past month has been a rollercoaster. Some days it seemed like we were getting back on track then the next she would be back to shutting me out. She had told me that once her father had an apartment ready for her, she was moving out. I begged and pleaded not to do this that we can make it through this and all this only annoyed her and caused her to shut me out more. Some days I felt like she was minutes from walking out the door.

Desperately trying to save our marriage on my own, I started to read books, articles and seek advice from friends and family. I tried to overwhelm her with love and gifts, at first it seemed to have an affect on her but she would tell me “you have not done this in years and all of a sudden you do it now, it does not seem real.” She it was a matter of convincing her that she could trust me and believe this was real. She told me gifts do nothing for her. So I stopped the gifts. I would still tell her how much I love her and care about her and wanted it to workout. I would leave her notes ect. Soon enough she started saying she loved me and shut me out more and of course reminded me that once the apartment is ready she is walking out the door.

Not getting too discouraged I continued to improve my ways and try to make it work. Some days would seem good considering and then I would ask for another chance and she would shut me back out again.

I soon discovered a new approach and was told it is better to back off in this situation. Give her time and space. Days had gone by and I would tell her how much I love her and do for her and offer to do everything. She still would not say “I love you” back and still was getting annoyed and tell me she will be leaving soon enough.

My W went into a slump where she would no longer do house chores and would just sleep all day when she was not at work. Also turns out she has made a good friend at work of the opposite sex. According to one my best friends who is her co-worker it seems to be just that and nothing more at the moment.

I learned about the LRT and have been trying my best to keep committed to it and her is where we stand

- she still does not say “I love you” and I don’t say it to her
- she still does not wear her ring, but I still wear mine
- in the past couple days she has done some work around the house
- some times she speaks in future tense, I learned not to feed off that cause then she will retract her statement and say she will be leaving anyway.
- I don’t ask her to stay so therefore she does not say “I’m leaving.”
- Some days she shuts me out completely and others were talking again and sometimes about things to do in the future.
- The apartment is still not ready

Like I said it has been a rollercoaster and I am trying my best to stay on track. I have been doing the LRT for 5-6 days now and hope it is working. I mean there are positives and negatives.
Any other advice of how I can read her better and figure out if she is staying or going…or things to try in addition to the LRT?

Thank you.

[trytryagain]

hi, officer (wow, it usually makes me nervous to say that!!). sorry to hear about your story, especially so soon after getting married. i think it's great you're in counseling right now, that's a great place to start. don't get discouraged because these things do take time, so 5-6 days of TLR technique really isn't that much of a span of time.

you may want to try reposting this in the newcomers forum, there's more traffic there and you will most likely get more and faster responses. i know how awful it is to post and feel like you wait an eternity for someone to respond.

i am sorry your wife won't try counseling because constant sleeping and loss of interest in activities or being in a "slump" are often signs of depression.

time and space are your friends right now...my H moved out a month ago and after 2 weeks of no contact at all, he's been reaching out to me slowly, asking to meet with me, sending me text messages, etc. the thing for you to focus on right now is really working on yourself and working with your IC to get over those issues of anger/controlling/belittling your W. ask yourself this: if you were your W, would you want to be in a R with you, based on the way you treated her over the years?

do not believe what she's saying right now. that she'll never forgive you or that she'll never be over it. people use words like "never" or "always" when they are in crisis. my advise it to NOT try to read her right now. she's obviously trying to work things out in her own head right now and trying to understand what she means when she says or does something will only make you nuts. focus on getting back on track yourself and being the man your wife would WANT to be married to.

hope that helps....again, i'd move this post or repost it in newcomers!

[robx]

I could start spewing forth my own take on her new attitude & direction in life but I will offer you some of gucci's wisdom instead:

Red flag of an affair. I have been at this for 20+ years. TEXTBOOK excuse.

Suddenly they are always "going" to their "friends" house...
That is their cover. The friend is the cover for them....

That is a place to start...

We need to smoke this out. I am all for snooping to find out the truth. You have a right to know the truth. Knowing the truth will give you what you need to make correct decisions. Things will make sense more.


IF there wasn't someone else then she would be open to repairing the marriage. She would have nothing to lose. She would be glad that you are now awake.


Think of it as like this...

IF you had a job you originally liked, and then as time went on you started to see things you didn't like as much, would you quit that job if you didn't have another one lined up? If you told your boss that you were unhappy and then your boss said he didn't want to lose you and would give you a raise and make working conditions better, wouldn't that make you happy and allow you to see if he was serious?


BUT.. What if you suddenly were offered a job with another company with more pay and had it lined up BEFORE your boss knew you were unhappy so much?. Suddenly that company wanted you and was offering you the moon. On paper the job looked perfect. Suddenly the job you were in wasn't looking so good. You remember the low pay and the bad working conditions.


You decide to take the other job. You tell your present boss that you are giving your notice. He had been overbearing for many years....However you now know that you have something else lined up. You want to tell him all the things you didn't like and COULD NOT say to him before..


WHY? Because you weren't going to leave something without something else in line. Who would? Now that you have something that seems better yo know you don't have to take the boss's crap anymore. You would never have left a job before without another opportunity in hand. You may have been unhappy, but you wouldn't chance leaving not knowing where you would go or how you were going to make it. NOW if the old boss changes his tune you will hesitate. You will think.. Too little too late. Why did he wait he until I wanted out to offer this raise and better working conditions..... Suddenly he treats you better after you have given him your notice. Back and forth your mind goes to whether you are making a mistake. Do you now call the new work place and tell them you changed your mind on this GREAT opportunity? round and round your mind wanders.




This analogy is why many of us believe STRONGLY that your wife is interested in someone else. If she wasn't she would be more open and interested in staying.

She has another job offer...


IF she didn't, she would be glad that you are now offering her a raise and better working conditions.


Do your homework... Going to a friends house is a red flag.

[OfficerInNeed]

I started to type out a long detailed post about how I dont blame her for lying due to how I would react in the past and also mention I know she is (was) a very smart girl who would not cross that line. Then I thought about how I treated her and at one point felt like I was the one who could stray away from her but never did because I could not put us through such a situation so I thought twice before I acted on my thoughts....then I realized maybe I am in denial about this all because I would never imagined she would do something like this no matter what happened between us.

[sandi2]

I just read a post earlier that said no matter how bad the H had been, he did not deserve to be cheated on. After reading about a man like yourself.....I must think hard about that statement. Maybe you don't deserve to be cheated on, but neither do you deserve to have a wife. You didn't appreciate her and treated her like dog poop and think that after 5 or 6 days of the new "you"--she should be ready to forget everything and ready to work on the R? She's been with you for ten years! Hey, I'd be looking for the door too!

Was all this new found knowledge due to the counselor explaining why you were such a jerk?

[OfficerInNeed]

No, when I found my self no longer being myself and doing the things I enjoy, I was in a depressed state not only about my marriage but about life in general. I then did something I never thought I would dare do or needed and that was get help. I was able to address my concerns and it was then determined what I had issues with and so I addressed them accordingly and continue to do so. I have been working on my marriage for the past month and couple weeks but I only recently discovered the LRT...that's all I was saying. I don't blame her if she does not take me back but I love her enough to fight to the end to salvage this marriage.

[sandi2]

Okay. You have done the right thing if you evaluated yourself (or had help in doing it) and realize that you had a big part in the breakdown of the MR.

I will be responding to your other thread you started so it will be less confusing.