Hi gang, I got this in my email. Here's the Q&A. *********************** Q. I've read DB and just finished The Divorce Remedy. 18 year marriage--2 kids 13D and 15S. Discovered affair 2 weeks ago -- supposedly its over. H says he wants to work on marriage but hasn't been making of an effort.
When I set up baby step goals to try to reach in a week or 2 am I supposed to review these goals with H or just work on them on my own?
A. Ask him if he'll read the book first since he says he wants to work on your marriage. Ask him to write down his goals because you'd like to talk to him about yours. Ask him how long he thinks he might need to do this. Set a date. Make sure you have read the chapter on infidelity and that he has too. If he's willing, talk about that chapter together. If he's not willing to do any of the above, don't talk about your goals with him. Just proceed on your own. There's a section at the end of the infidelity chapter that relates to you. Read it again. Best to you. Michele
My H and I have been separated for over 6 months. I have read DB and am in the process of reading the Divorce Remedy. Thank you for both books and this bulletin board!
My Q is about the 180. I have gone dark and stopped all initiating contact and I have tried being more in contact. Both 180's seem to work but only for a while. What seems to be happening is the my H is getting another life and the children and me are not going to be part of it. He does not have regular contact with the children and only wants contact with us when he intiates it. He seems to just have left with very little thought about the family he has left behind.
When my H does come over, the children and I are loving. He and I are still intimate. But then he leaves with no mention of when we'll see him again and it can be days. This has been especially hard on the children.
Do you have any suggestions for my situation? My H said I did not give him enough affection in our marriage and that is why he found someone else. Now, it's seems as if it is too late.
It's really hard to tell from what you wrote what you are doing when you're going dark- for example, how long have you done it and what have you stopped doing, and so on. It's also hard to tell what you've done when you say you have tried to have more contact with him. When you say things have worked, but only for a while, I'd like to know more about that too. So, in the true DB fashion, what I'm saying here is that you need to be more specific.
But in the meantime, in regards to your children, you need to tell him that even if he decides to be out of your life, he needs to stay in his children's lives. Then be specific with him in terms of the kind of contact you'd like him to have with the kids. Call every night, see them twice a week...get what I mean here?
In regards to the children I have asked my H to have more regular contact but my H doesn't respond. I have made suggestions but they go unused. He hasn't decided to have me out of his life yet. I have offered to be away from the house when he is to see the children but he never said he wanted that or didn't want it. Most of the communication is through email and he just doesn't respond. The only way I know he has gotten and read the email is that he will mention something about it at a later time. But he doesn't make any decisions about what he wants to do. I have the impression that he is happy that he does not have any responsibility for the kids. When I ask him to watch the kids when I have something to do, he will do it only if he doesn't have something else to do. At present, I have only asked when I have to go to work related activities or school activities.
Do I force this issue? The kids seem better when they have little contact with him. I know it hurts them but they don't dwell on it when they don't see him. I am afraid he and they are in avoidance mode and I am following right along. I hope its detachment but it may not be.
Going dark--I don't contact him at all unless it has something to do with the kids. I have been doing this for several months. Sometimes my H seems to notice but most of the time he seems fine with initiating contact when he wants it.
Trying to be more in contact and affectionate- When my H is at the house, I am lovingly detached. If he makes a move in my direction I will respond otherwise I pretty much leave him alone and go about my tasks at home. I do sit with him to watch TV more often than I did when we were together. We have a very friendly and cordial relationship. Just yesterday, I did email him after we spent an especially close evening together where we were intimate and also talked about the events in NYC. I emailed him a poem written by Eleonore Roosevelt. I expected some type of response and got nothing.
Just before Labor Day, my H suggested that we as a family go somewhere for the weekend. But he didn't make the plans - I tried and got information on the internet. Then my S didn't want to go because he wanted to see his friends. We didn't go. This suggestion came after my H went out of town. I do not know but do think he went to see the OW. The last he told me anything about OW is that she was going to try to make her marriage work but that they would stay in contact because the love was so deep.
At the same time my H suggested the weekend together, he also said he wanted to talk about what was going on between us. That has not occured. I have brought it up once in an email and he said he wanted to talk to me face to face. Well, I've seen him a couple of times since then but no talk. I have not asked anymore. He went out of town again last weekend and I emailed him and requested that he tell me what's going on. He resonded with what do you mean? So I asked him why he was going out of town and what was he wanted to talk to me about. His response was that the two were unrelated and that he was visiting friends. (Must be new friends because I didn't know he had friends where he said he was going.)
I have listed some goals for our relationship after reading the Divorce Remedy. I have seen some baby steps but feel as if that my H is acting as if too. That we will get used to the ways things are and he will have that new life he told me he wanted when he dropped the bomb last Jan. I don't want this to happen. Do I have any control?
We never have control over someone else, just ourselves. We try to do the best we can to trigger loving, positive responses in others, but there are no guarantees. It's important to keep trying different approaches, just as you're doing.
How old are your children?
Sounds like it's time for you to do the Last Resort Technique. Read that section in The Divorce Remedy on page 124 and make sure you have a plan. If you have questions about how this will change what you're doing, feel free to ask. Michele
Hi Michelle, I am currently reading The Divorce Remedy and am in the process of the "last resort technique". My H has moved out and is in a bit of a "party mode" with heavy drinking, etc. He lives about two miles from our house but has not attempted to see our son in over two weeks now. (I have not spoken with him since Mon.) My question is what should I do where our son is concerned? Should I make comments about his lack of seeing him or just bite my tongue and hope he "wakes up" and sees how immature he is acting? It has nothing to do with him coming to the house because I have dropped our son off to him on several occasions so he can't use the excuse of avoiding me, I think he just has his priorities out of wack right now. Would mentioning our son be seen as manipulation/pursuing by him? Any suggestions? Thanks, Lisa
I find that there is SO much info in your book that makes perfect sence and I have this almost uncontrolled need to have my H read the book. The problem is if I did somehow get him to read it he would also be reading about the LRT which is where I am at in the fight for my marraige.
We are seperated as of 4 weeks ago and the seperation comes because of a combonation of the maybe MLC and passion meltdown. I have always known that there is a spot within our marriage concerning the passion meltdown thing but passion has certainly NOT been void in our marriage in fact there has been an unbelievable amout of passion not only in the bedroom but in our everyday life! But according to my husband he has just been grinning and barring it for a long time.
Less than a year ago we relocated to another state for a job that he was offered. Due to some huge financial problems over the past 2 yrs we decided that our best shot at getting back on our feet was to except this job. Since we have been down here I have felt a different "attitude", if you will, surrounding our marriage and our family. Tried to discuss it with him in May but I knew he wasn't hearing me. I passed it off as he has alot of pressure from his new job and I sure didn't want to put any more un-do pressure on him. Just thought to myself that things will line out and be O.K.
In july we had a disagreement about which gas station sold disiel fuel and two days later he told me he didn't love me any more and intended to move out. Was very cocky about it, reduced our marriage and the last 11 years together as 80% exsisting, 10% happy and 10% miserable. He has been nothing but hateful and angry. The man I have been listening to and dealing with the past several weeks IS NOT the man I have been happily married to for the last 9 years. It has been unreal the things that have come out of his mouth!!
I have truely been blindsided and after reading your book and lots of other reading material I do think I have a com-bo of reasons why he has done what he has done. And I also feel, truely feel, that there is hope for us. I am not completly convinced but there may even be OW. I'm tellin ya, there is a whole lot of stuff goin on here and 2+2 is not adding up to 4 like he would like me to believe!!
So, what do you think, should I ask him to read the book or should I just try to remain calm and patient and keep on with the LRT? I would give anything if he would read chapter 13.Actualy, I would give anything if he would read the whole book!! He is probably the smarter one of us both and if I can read the book and extract so much from it wouldn't you think he would get some good from it?
I must thank you for the book, it is wonderful!! I hope and pray every day that I have the strength to get through all of this but in the end if we are able to put things back together it will all be worth it.
