First post here - Reflections two years after BD.

[Chris73]

Trying to process a lot today.

The two-year anniversary of the bomb drop (or as my therapist says, "your own personal 9/11") was a couple Sunday's ago. I had started writing something to acknowledge this milestone and post it here, but then got distracted by having fun with my kids and forgot all about it.

To paraphrase my original thoughts, the passing of time is everything. When I first discovered these forums I remember reading a post in the newcomers section where another LBS talked about how he'd moved on and was enjoying his new life, "...but her ghost still haunts me from time to time."

The idea of the "ghost" couldn't be more accurate to describe the relationship I have with my STBX. She moved out in January of this year and I've retained the house. I'm slowly changing things to make the house feel like my own, but remnants of her presence are everywhere. The very first day after she moved out, I took the day off from work started straightening things up. After the cathartic ritual of taking down our wedding photos, I spent the rest of the day cleaning the hall closet!

Today is my D6'd half-birthday. I know it seems silly, but both our kids were born very close to Christmas, so we always celebrated their half-birthdays in the summer. She's not with me today and I was really hoping that my STBX would extend me an invitation to participate in whatever they were going to do today to celebrate. But she didn't. I talked to D6 this morning over FaceTime and will do so again tonight after work.

The idea of the four of us continuing to do things together after the split started as a discussion last year in a family therapy session. Back then we all agreed that some aspects of our family unit should stay intact. Not just the big events like birthdays and graduations, but maybe an occasional impromptu meal. But since then my STBX has turned down every invitation I've proffered and has never offered any. I'm sure she believes that her reasons are justified, but I think she's just being selfish.

All of this leaves me in a horrible state of limbo. I love my W, and I think I always will. But I also really hate her, and I don't like her very much either. I want to see her and talk to her but when I do I'm completely disgusted. I've lost a lot of respect for the way she's decided to live her life now, but that's partly because she's included our kids in this lifestyle and I think they deserve better.

Sometimes I think about initiating the divorce process. Nothing has been filed yet. Technically we've been separated since 11/2016, but only physically since January. My STBX is self-employed so a divorce would force her to find and pay for her own health insurance. When I try to come up with a good reason for filing, I can't think of any (other than spite). Part of me wants to file just to show her that I still have some level of control. But the other part of me wants her to file so that it's all on her. She pulled the plug, not me.

It all seems very childish and ego-centric. I'm the only one suffering from all of this hate and resentment I'm holding on to. But part of me likes blaming her for my inability to move on. I often fantasize about all the horrible, nasty things I would say to her if the opportunity ever came up. But I know it never will. And I know it wouldn't help anyway.

I don't know if there truly is a way to process these negative emotions and rise above them. Maybe they just linger and become duller as the years go by. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at my wife and be happy that she's happy. To be able to love her in a different way but just as genuinely as when we were together. But that day is not today.

[doodler]

Chris,

I think the word "disgust" best describes my feelings toward my XW. My negative emotions toward her are largely because of what the divorce has done to my sons. They have to jump between home and her house and it was all so she can have an OM that will never leave his own wife. That's truly disgusting.

I'd imagine you'll remain in limbo as long as you're not divorced. I wonder if there are any long-term repercussions of not being divorced. If you're wife goes deeply into debt, will it cause you any issues?

[Vanilla]

Disgust works for me. It's different from anger, it was only when I realised I needed disgust that I began to detach.

[focus22]

Disgust here as well.

Time, you have time to figure out what's best for you and your children. Time is on your side. You can take that time to explore different options and possibilities.

My D? I decided I was going to wait for the two year separation period and then see what I felt like doing. After two years separated I knew I could D without my now XH's consent.

As it happened, I got a legalese text from him after a year and 7 odd months suggesting D and asking if I would agree to go ahead with it. I didn't answer. I guess it just automatically rolled over when it came to the two year deadline and started the process whether I agreed or not. I was D in December last year. I didn't have to lift a finger.

I actually think it was his mother that sorted it all. But that's another issue (for him). Anyway...

We didn't have children though, and the house was mine anyway. So nothing to sort out on that front.

I've worked really hard at opening myself up to seeing and feeling gratitude, in even the smallest things. I think it's helped refocus me. I think I could probably have gone down the very angry and bitter and poisoned route, but I really didn't want to become that person. I felt like I still had a whole lot of life to live and wanted to feel joyful again.

I do still feel like my ego has been hurt. And that I've been cast aside for a younger model that has presented him with more opportunities (family, career...). And I sometimes begrudge the sheer amount of effort that I have to now put in to living my life. But my health (physical and mental) has improved beyond all measure and people are telling me I look twenty years younger.

Well, I'm rambling on a bit and I don't know if any of what I've said is helpful. Just that I agree with you on the time thing.

[Chris73]

I am constantly bombarded with messages and advice that emphasize the importance of close interpersonal relationships. It would seem that the secret to happiness and long life is to spend as much time with other people as possible. This has always been hard for me to do as I'm quite introverted.

But in the last couple of years since my marriage has taken a dive, I've been trying extra hard to make changes: Spend a few extra minutes with co-workers at the coffee maker, smile more at people on the train, start conversations in the elevator, initiate get-togethers with friends, call older family members to see how they're doing, etc. Sometimes I feel better after spending time with people. But other times I'm just annoyed and frustrated.

Yesterday was father's day and since I had already spent every waking minute with my kids since Thursday afternoon, I was over it. I kept seeing all these tribute FB posts celebrating fathers & husbands with pictures of dads relaxing with their families. It made me feel very isolated.

Once my kids were in bed last night, I started thinking that maybe interpersonal relationships are not for me. Perhaps it's just a phase, but lately I look forward to being alone more than anything. When I'm interacting with other people I'm happy when the visit or the conversation is over. Most of my hobbies don't require a partner or a group.

Sometimes this worries me. Maybe the more time I spend alone the harder it will be for me to form new friendships and relationships if/when I want to.

Or maybe all the self-reflection and introspection is good for me right now.

[doodler]

Once my kids were in bed last night, I started thinking that maybe interpersonal relationships are not for me. Perhaps it's just a phase, but lately I look forward to being alone more than anything. When I'm interacting with other people I'm happy when the visit or the conversation is over. Most of my hobbies don't require a partner or a group.

Chris73,

I wouldn't worry too much about it; do what makes you feel happy. Some people need a lot of personal introspection without interference from other people. I agree that interpersonal relationships can be a good thing, but you can also piss your life away trying to support a large personal network. I think extroverts try to lay a lot of guilt at the feet of introverts because they know the introverts are getting things done while the extroverts are standing around bullsh*tting. If you had something important that had to be done, would you hire a politician or an engineer?

Be easy on yourself, you're doing just fine.

[Chris73]

If you had something important that had to be done, would you hire a politician or an engineer?

Love this. Thanks doodler!