Ugh. OWW is just an insensitive, and very oblivious woman. Im sorry you have to deal with her. I am sure it would be different for you if she didnt knowingly have an affair with him while you guys were together. Just remember she did not win any prize in this situation. I would much rather be you then her!
Congrats on the exercise class. Its tough having to start all over after injuries and sickness. I have been unsuccessfully playing the hamilton lottery for a long time now, but my favorite line is "i am hercules mulligan, i need no introduction whem you knock me down i get the f back up again"
We all get knocked down in life at some point. Multiple times! Just trudge your way out of these trenches. Knowing youll be back in them ar some point and thats just life. But none of the ups or downs are permanent[quote]
Hi Juju,
Sometimes I think of the 3 of them out somewhere doing something and everyone must think my D is their D. The thought of that kills me sometimes, so I try to push it out of my head.
It did feel good to get back in the game. My PT has really stepped up, another patient the other day thought I was "training for boxing" I laughed. I have my good days and bad days, but exercise is good for me either way. I think what is getting me this time is I am in a down that doesn't seem to be going up and it feels like it might be permanent. But nothing is, you reminded me of that and I thank you for it.
I have something going on in my life right now that really makes me question everything I believe. I can't talk about it here, I can talk to about one friend regarding it, and that's it. It's a aprt of what makes me feel so hopeless all the time. It doesn't even involve me, it's just very close to me. I have no idea what to do with this situation, as I really can't even talk to my IC about it for certain reasons. But it is really contributing to my hopelessness and the things that feel so unfair in my life. I wish I could explain more.
Work keeps getting worse, the morale is nothing here. It's depressing. I've been watching facebook and my old colleagues at the hospital at their really nice Christmas parties, dancing, and drinking and eating and having a great old time. Oh, I miss those days. I miss the bond we had. I credit my ICU job to getting me thought the worst of my S/D. I also look at one of my best friends who a year ago decided to pick up and make a move to FL. She is single, moved out of her parents house, and decided to make a big change. After being out of the ICU/hospital for as long as I have, she went back down there. She has a tight crew and they do so many things together outside of work. Ran a Disney 5k, they go out to different places and try different things. She is having the best time and really built a great life in the past year.
There is nothing I want more than to get out of NJ and start over. The only thing tying me here is the ex. That's it. I have like to family and my career is the best one to have to move to a different area. I have friends, but some of my friendships are changing, and the ones that are very tight I know would continue to be even if I moved. It's just not an option.
It's weird. I am willing to do anything to change my life and get out of my funk. I am very proactive. My things just aren't panning out. Even Saturday night I am alone with nothing to do. I researched meet up groups but nothing going on. I have been trying to find something to "join" a book club, anything, but nothing works with my schedule.
I am just going to figure "my time" is when D10 graduates high school. I'll still be fairly young. Maybe I need to just hold out until then.
Oh, and there is this guy who goes to PT the same time as me and has my therapist. Oh so good-looking. We finally were talking the other night. he is more accident prone than me, lol. Single, loves his job, ect. I thought maybe mid thirties. Nope, he just turned 27. It was good practice just having a conversation with him anyways. Super nice guy. He will make a nice young lady very happy one day.
On a good note, I don't know if I mentioned this in my last post, the hospital is looking at my application again for case manager. I am praying I atleast end up with an interview.
Oh, did I mention it's the hospital Dr. Mike works at???
Even if they're out there doing things together it doesn't take anything from what you and her have. You will always be her mother and she cherishes you for who you are! I had two step parents growing up and not a great relationship with my parents but the relationship I had with them was always something different and never felt like a replacement. I get how hard it is to deal with and you've been around it much longer than I have. My kids started calling OM2 their step dad and his kids are their brother and sister. A while ago it would work me up and I would try to explain to my kids how it works with step parents and step brothers/sisters, the terminology. Ex-W/OM2 are just dating and living together, not married, so I felt like I needed to state what they weren't to the kids when they talked about them. In my daughters mind they were step siblings/dad now and when they get married they will be real brother's and sisters. Even though shes recently started say "my big brother and sister". I let it go now, who am I to say what it means to her at this point, just as you have I'm sure in many ways over the years. Sometimes it cuts deep down and makes you feel like an outsider, like the kid sitting on the bench watching everyone playing the sports game and wondering why you, why do you get to sit there on the sideline. It just feels this way, this isn't realty. I think this is one thing that resonates through everything else and makes us overthink things.
I'm sorry you have this thing nagging at you and few people to talk to about it. Whatever it is I hope some relief comes soon.
I've had that urge to run away from the state and start over also but feel trapped by the circumstances. I think you could make changes where you're at and find a new start if you wanted it. You don't need to move to Florida to do so.
Sorry, not sure if any of this is even helpful. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone. You aren't the only one that feels the way you do./hug
P.S Good luck with the case manager position!
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Yes, it was very helpful, I thank you. I usually don't let the whole situation get to me, but I think I have had too much time to think about it. What I do know is that she knows I am mom and she's only got one. It was such a struggle in the beginning as a new mom with another woman in my daughter's life pretty much from birth. But I am confident in my role as her one and only mother. She was with her dad this weekend and all weekend she texted and facetimed me multiple times per day. She's so cute.
You nailed the feeling like an outsider part. Feeling like an outsider in your own child's life is really difficult. Or where they have a separate life you don't know much about. although my D certainly fills me in......
Oh, an moving, I am going to have to try to just make it work here for the next 7 or so years. I make a decent living, but here it is barely enough. I pay an extradorinary amount in rent, but can't buy because I don't have a downpayment. We live pretty good, but my only savings is my 403b plan. There is no extra money to put away unless we live very minimaly, but there is no point in that. I want her to enjoy life now.
This weekend was a little rough. D10 went to her dad's Saturday morning and no one was available to hang out or go anywhere, so it was just me the whole weekend. With the exception of my patients I visited on Saturday. I got stuff done, read a book, wrapped, cooked, cleaned, shopped, and gymmed. Kept myself as busy as I could. It was just lonely.
Yesterday I found out FF's sister blocked me. We were friends, now we aren't. And she doesn't come up in the search. We were as of last Friday however. Either she got off FB or he told her to block me, probably making up some story. I am jus trying to figure out where I went wrong. At no point did I go psycho ex GF. I let him go and left him alone. He hates me for some reason, but whatever I guess. One thing I really learned with DB is how to end an R with dignity. No calling, begging, pleasing, chasing. It's simply "if you want to go, I am not going to stop you, have a nice life"It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it just means I am going to have self respect. I never ever want to be the psycho ex who can't let go.
Busy insane week. Hopefully I get it all done. I could use a hand this week, lol. Oh well. I am sure D10 will help as much as she can.
For sure Ginger you get an A+ on how you ended things with regard to your actions to FF and any of his family or friends. You struggled amd still do on the inside but your outward reactions from everything I can tell have been stellar. That means that the rest is about them. I don't think FF "hates" you but whatever is going on with him is ABOUT HIM! It has zero to do with you. In fact the whole thing had less to do with you and more about him. That really is often the case with people and Rs.
For sure DB has really helped with stopping pursuit and with dealing with breakups with dignity. The knee jerk reaction to be upset, perhaps plead, chase, and beg is replaced with calm, rational thoughts and comments. It didn't save our Ms but has helped in other ways.
Your comment about savings - especially for the long term caught my attention as this area is one where I really shine both in business and in life. When commenting about me, even people who may not like me say how great I am with finances. Not trying to brag, just to get you to hopefully trust me here. The very best thing you can possibly do is start to put some money away on a regular basis. You really CAN do it and you won't miss a small amount. The key here is to start now. Really the key was to start 15 years ago but now is all we have. You might be amazed at how this will grow. I was fortunate enough to start at 23. IRAs were somewhat new and I was allowed to put $2,000 in each year when it started. So now 30 years later, that $2,000 has become over $30,000. By the time I start using it, it will be at least 60,000 and could be $120,000 - all from a $2,000 initial investment!!! It's all based on time and reinvesting any dividends that come from it. It really does work. Nearly everyone can afford $20/week. Would you really miss $20 a week? Really? Skip coffee twice and fast food lunch once and you have it. Some can do $50/week and others $100. At least do something! You will be sooooooooooooo happy when you turn 60 and have $100,000 waiting for you (based on $20/week). I can tell you more off line if you're interested - including where to invest ---- no load mutual funds with index funds being top of the list. ---- Give it some thought. Actually everyone reading this should.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hi DOn. You are right, it is about him and his weirdo family, not about me. They do what they do for whatever reason, and I know I handled myself with dignity. ANd thank you for the financial advice offer. Right now my dad is in charge of my retirement plans and I contribute a decent amount of my paycheck and he has them in whatever funds. He made this a hobby upon retirement, lol. My cash at hand right now is an issue, but I am going to figure out how to make that work.
Ok, so I some things happened yesterday that I need to talk about.
One, and I'll get the negative one of the way. ex an OW had Christmas pictures done with the dog and santa from a friend. I knew of it and they said they would give me a picture. So, D10 breaks out a card, written by OW that was signed "OWW, EXH, and D10" with the picture inside. HOLY TRIGGER! If any of you recall, I found out about the affair by finding a card from OWW to exH. Seeing the handwriting, my daughters name in with theirs, knowing she wrote it....... I lost it. I waited until D10 went in the shower a minute later, and I saw red and burst into tears. That reaction and the whole thing really threw me for a loop. I guess some triggers never go away.
Now for the more positive part of my day. I went into IC miserable. I cried, I listened to myself and I couldn't stand what I was hearing. My IC feels that I do need to get out there and date. I need to be on the sites and I need to be proactive. Not so much because I need to find a man, but because I have become this low because I have given up. She said the Ginger she knows has always rallied and worked and fought for what she wanted. I told her "shouldn't I know when to throw in the towel too?" She said no one should ever throw in the towel on love and partnership unless they truly don't want it. I should not be accepting my life as a single woman for the rest of it. It's when I try to accept my life with that I become seriously depressed.
She's right. Both of us know it's a something necessary for me. And for most people. We both know it that I can survive without it, that I can care for myself and my child without a man and it doesn't make up who I am. I am simply human and I need to not quit.
I left hating the way I sounded in there and I really realized I am doing so poorly because I just feel so hopeless discouraged and trapped. I told her after the divroce was over after they got remarried, and like many of us on here, we get that renewed sense of the world is our oyster, we have a chance to be true to ourselves and make this life ours. I had it, and then I lost it. I told her it's the feeling of hope and renewal I miss.
So, I believe I am done accepting things status quo and feeling depressed all the time. I am going for the things I want and I desire. I am deserving of it all. I am going get it, and I am going to find it, and being alone IS NOT my fate.
So, I believe I am done accepting things status quo and feeling depressed all the time. I am going for the things I want and I desire. I am deserving of it all. I am going get it, and I am going to find it, and being alone IS NOT my fate.
Ginger,
Good for you!
I was listening to NPR yesterday and there was some guy saying that he noticed that depressed people often do things to support the state of depression. They'll listen to depressing music, read depressing books and watch depressing movies. After thinking about it a bit, I think he's right; it's as if depressed people need to wallow in all of the sadness. It's like the rumination cycle becomes a good friend.
To add onto what doodled said, I've noticed the cycles of depression I have put myself through in the past. When I was still doing IC, my IC suggested that I might even be addicted to being depressed and use specific actions that put me or keep me there. I've read in several places how our emotions/moods can be tied to our actions, so one can induce the other.
As for the being addicted to being depressed, it's a habit I've formed in the past to cope with change/fear. Depression is what I knew, it's what I was used to and any change to that led to the unknown which I feared.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I was listening to NPR yesterday and there was some guy saying that he noticed that depressed people often do things to support the state of depression. They'll listen to depressing music, read depressing books and watch depressing movies. After thinking about it a bit, I think he's right; it's as if depressed people need to wallow in all of the sadness. It's like the rumination cycle becomes a good friend.
Oh so you're the one who was listening to NPR. I figured someone had to be.
Seriously though, I agree. It's like people who claim "bad things always happen to me" or "I have the worst luck" when really it's them creating their "luck". Same with those surrounded by drama. Or even people who always seem happy, nothing appears to bother them. We tend to create and foster what we get and if we want to feel depressed or the victim or whatever we keep fostering it.
GINGER: great to hear you are putting money away! That's awesome and I promise unless your dad is speculating bit coin or something you'll be so pleased and amazed at what will be waiting for you at retirement.
I think you are too young to give up if you really want it as well. Taking a break is fine though. Nothing says you have to rush back in. Perhaps most of all, should you consider trying something else? Does OLD really work? Clearly it has not for you, me and others here. Or perhaps should you try eHarmony since that tends to at least be a step higher on the OLD scale. Or perhaps try other things? FF didn't come from OLD nor did your last ltr. That's all I wonder about. Continuing to try to find somene does not nessisarily mean continuing to try OLD
Interesting what your C said about not giving up unless they really don't want it. I'm wondering if that's not me? Something for me to think about.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Very interesting perscpectives. This is actually new territory for me. I have never actually been truly depressed until this year. Even though I may have had every reason since I was a kid, I never was. Situation wise and genetically. I lived in survival mode for most of my life, including during my divorce. I was sad, sure, but I was just trying to survive. Maybe some how having my life together has made room for the depression to finally settle in. And how have I hated the feeling. I have been doing everything to get out of it, I haven't been letting myself sit in it, but I guess the ways I am sued to getting out of it were taken away from me and I have been lost on how to do so otherwise and have been stuck.
So, my focus in on snapping myself out of negative trains of thought, getting myself back into tip top shape (even if I am restricted and it is painful) focusing on my career and fostering some new hobbies. I am going to find a way to give myself one night a week to do something fun, in a group, for me.
Don, I have tried Eharmony and that's when I ended up with the plumber. Otherwise, I ended up with matches from a state in which a relationship ended because it was too long distance! It turns out there is no one under 50 close to me on Eharmony. Except for the plumber. And he was probably my best catch online, sadly enough. No, OLD hasn't been kind to me. I do better in person, but problem being I am rarely around single available guys. I am usually around married men, or men of inappropriate age, or no men at all! Whatever it is, if I don't at least put myself out there in some way, shape, or form, my odds are almost nothing. But I do hope to find some sort of group activity where there are other men. I just enjoy being a part of a group, really. I miss that, regardless of the men.
So, I am not letting myself ruminate in all the unfairness and impossibility anymore. I am simply not giving up!
Sorry but eHarmony is for old folks. Plus I think most guys who are good catches and not super religious probably go for the free sites first. Try Ok Cupid - I had good luck there (and lots of young guys there, I can attest through - ummm - personal experience.
Yes, there may be more scammers on the free sites and you need to be careful, but I figure any guy who is a good catch probably doesn't last online long enough to go through the whole eHarmony questionnaire stuff.
Then get a good girlfriend to look at the profiles of the guys you find interesting - it helps to have a fresh pair of eyes to pick up the red flags.
