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#2772495 12/24/17 02:32 AM
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Good morning fellow divorcees,

I spent a lot of time on these boards last winter (in the MLC board) and spring and had to pull away for a while when it became glaringly apparent that my efforts were for naught and had been for a long time.

Now it's Christmas Eve, the kids are asleep and like most of the last month, I'm sitting here reflecting, feeling a bit sorry for myself. Let's see if I can condense:

Apr '16 XH says his feelings have changed, we need to "do something" about it.

May '16 we start marriage counseling. I start pretezeling to fix whatever the unnamable thing is that he thinks is wrong. I ask continually if there is someone else; he says no.

Oct '16 our therapist convinces him to let her hypnotize him. His subconscious tells him he doesn't want to be married anymore

Nov '16 he tells me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and is renting an apt next month and will move out. Tells me he wasn't honest - he and his boss have had feelings for each other for months but swears nothing ever happened, that it made him realize that something was wrong with our marriage. (18 years of what I thoughts was a happy marriage of best friends, 2 daughters 10 and 12 at the time). She is 10 years younger, newly divorced, no kids.

Feb '17 I'm told by acquaintences that she was forced to leave her job because one of them was going to get fired. I confronted him, he denied that they were actually together. I've been told (as we work in the same industry and know many of the same people) that they were caught in his car together in the company parking garage the previous summer..while I was pretzeling and he was lying. They had been seen out together by numerous people in the months from spring '16 to the current time, so pretty sure despite his lies it was a full on affair.

May'17 separation (that I filed) was finalized and house put on the market. I immediately put divorce motion in place, which was final in July '17.

Our house was 3k square feet, he did nothing to help empty it or prepare it to sell. Nothing. I bought a cute little tiny house in the same school district for the girls and I and we moved in Sept. ExH and his GF bought a house ONE STREET OVER from me in November. He has told everyone they just started dating in March 17. Sure.

My girls have had an awful time. My D13 had several months of self harm with a razor blade. Now she won't eat and is underweight to the point where pediatrician is very concerned. D11 is mostly angry at him and hates the new GF. But D13 already has mild autism and ADHD and is just affected more. She has been in weekly therapy since Fdb. I was in therapy from Feb until Oct.

ExH is still deep in his MLC, claims he loves the girls so much but is not affected by anything that is hurting them in this. He's constantly concerned with what he needs people to do, what he needs people to accept. He keeps pushing them into accepting his situation and refuses to let them come around at a healthy speed for themselves. He's turned into a bit of a whackadoodle and it makes me sad that the person that I loved so much has just checked out. He was such an amazing dad. He hits all the hallmarks of MLC. I question if he will ever come out or if this is just who he is.

There are many stories and details in between, but that's the shortest I could make it. Now I'm sitting here in my new living room, alone with the Christmas tree, reflecting on how with the exception of Christmases with my family when I was young, I don't have any Christmas memories without him (we married at 22). So I'm just sad. And my girls are so messed up. I feel horrible for what he's taken from their childhoods, and I feel bad for myself, because I think maybe this is just how it's going to be now. I've done everything I can to make this a Merry Christmas, kept up all of the traditions that they look forward to. They are excited for Christmas but miss their "old" Dad. They are with me today and tonight, then he will come tomorrow to open a couple of presents with them that we cost-shared, then they will go to his place for a couple hours before coming home to have Christmas dinner with me. I've never been all along on Christmas (I'm a bit of a kid on Christmas, with the Santa and magic and hope and peace) so I'm really not looking forward to it. Everyone I know is away or has plans of their own. I'm excited to put 2017 behind me, though moving into what, I do not know.

Thanks for reading my self-indulgent pity post... I hope to dust myself off next week and get back on track. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


Last edited by job; 12/24/17 02:47 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs

Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Bird #2772507 12/24/17 02:45 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Previous Thread on the MLC Forum:

Eyes on the next curve


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2772508 12/24/17 02:48 AM
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Oh wow Job - I wouldn't have even known where to look for that, thank you!


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
job #2772509 12/24/17 02:50 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Bird,

I am so sorry that things aren't going so well. I know you are very worried about your daughters and rightly so. I am keeping you and y9our girls in my thoughts and prayers and hope that things will settle down for all of you in 2018.

It's not easy dealing w/someone in crisis and the way they behave towards everyone, especially you and the girls is unacceptable by all counts in my books. I pray that your daughters will find a way to heal in the coming months.

I want to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and may 2018 open doors to new chapters for you and your girls. May all of you find the peace and well being that you richly deserve.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2772533 12/24/17 06:31 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Dearest Bird

Welcome to surviving, I am coming over with a pot roast and some welcome wine.

This phase is slower and just as important for healing, you and your lovely girls need a big Christmas hug. Truly you are a family, and the faster bird heals the easier for your girls.

I want to go stink bomb his house, 2 streets away!!!

He has the whole of the city to play with and he tries to get in your playpen? What a j**k wad grud featured piece of doo.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2772569 12/24/17 04:06 PM
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Thank you, Job and Vanilla. It's been an awful day. D13 has been on a tear. The three of us were supposed to each pitch in to pick up the house quickly so that we'd have the whole day to laze about and watch Christmas shows. D11 and I ran out to Carvel because they wanted an ice cream Christmas cake and D13 wanted to stay home. I asked her to do her chores while we were gone. Not only did she not do her chores, she elected to give the cat a bath. I don't think I have to describe the state of the bathroom when I got home. It was AWFUL. Meltdown city. I screamed, cried, ranted and raved, it was terrible. She just glares at me. She's been awful all day, doing her best to hit every button. It's so frustrating when I have been breaking my back trying to keep things as good for them as possible and be both parents since their father is living the life of Reilley now. The therapist said I will get the brunt of it because he provides no structure. It's currently 11pm here, and I'm waiting for her to settle down in her room and go to sleep so "Santa" can get all of the presents out, wolf down the cookies and milk, chomp on the reindeer fill all the stockings, hide the Christmas pickle and write them a letter. (The fact that they are 11 and 13 does not escape me, but I feel like more than ever this year, it's important to keep the magic going.) First year doing 100% of it myself, instead of 75% (ha). I wonder if their father is at home realizing for the first time in their lives he didn't write them a letter from Santa. Or maybe he did. Who knows. All I know is this holiday season used to be so magical for me... now it's just exhausting. I'm tired of doing it all alone. Props to single parents everywhere.

This turned into a Christmas vent. It's been a pretty rough day. I appreciate having this board to vent some of my issues out. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I think I will nap while they're gone.


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Bird #2772584 12/25/17 12:47 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Bird

Please find some me time, extreme self care especially when there is the extra stress at Xmas.

You may find the more your screaming banshee emerges the worse everything will be. I truly get it, I was screaming banshee for a while, trapped in reactive abuse. It's something I am not proud of and was a rot on my spirit. And it just provided my target with more rationale to dislike my behaviour and justify theirs.

Hey at least you have a clean cat :-/

I believe in self centredness not selfishness. If you need a break from madness take it. If you find space to have a hot bath, a glass of champagne, write a gratitude diary then take it. You sound exhausted and the emotional load is an extra burden.

Oh and grant yourself permission to cry, be angry, and plot revenge. Whatever helps.

Children hurt for all kinds of reasons too, eventually the nut will crack. This is because you are the one that's constant and loving in their lives. Your D13 is testing you, can she be so awful that you too will let her go? Often that's why children act out with foster parents. It's the first time they feel safe to do so.

Please see this as a great compliment, because it is and a testimony to a struggling mum who is working her butt off.

Bird please find time and space for you, even a machine needs down time for repair. Know I am thinking of you and sending you some of my special rainbow strength across the miles and lovely lady to see you smile at least three times today.

Peace at Christmas, a glass of lovely wine, great food and quiet time for you.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2772602 12/25/17 04:29 AM
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Thank you V - I really appreciate your kind words. It's good to be pulled back from destructive self indulgences. We had a nice Christmas morning, and they are off to their father's for a few hours now. I think I will take your advice and let things sit, while I have a bath and maybe a nice nap as I didn't sleep well last night. I'll have the day to recharge and be ready for Christmas dinner with my girls this evening.

A very Merry Christmas to you and yours!


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Bird #2772635 12/26/17 01:32 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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I hope today is a wonderful day.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2773940 01/05/18 06:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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How are you bird?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW



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