So here I am. Probably belonged here a year ago, but I am feeling good about the move today.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Coming this way in the next day or two. Good to see you here. Keep posting - I'll be reading!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I have to catch up on everyone's threads who have made the move. It's good to see old friends here. Now I see where everyone has gone.
The past year has been one of complete limbo. At every turn hoping to get answers and finality--and having road blocks at every turn. When I think about where I was last summer, kicked to the curb, homeless, unemployed with an unbalanced (although equal) parenting schedule, I realize how far I've come with no other option but to live in the moment. It is funny how I have gotten used to being unable to plan passed a few weeks. Everything was up in the air. I have all of the answers I need now. And I am a little anxious about it. Relief is there of course, but also some nervousness. This week I get to go back into the marital home and collect my things. Maybe once that move is made I will feel calmer.
As of last week, I can now plan ahead with some certianty. A d agreement has been reached and signed. The new custody arrangement goes into effect next week. And the support starts coming in next month. I got my work schedule all set up-both the PT job and the PD cases--and I did the math. I can do this! So why do I feel scared?
I now feel like I can refer to him as my XH without feeling a bit of dishonesty. Even though the judge still needs to sign off and apparently there are a few other papers that need to be dealt with before it is final--it now feels real. I have been dating this past year, but it felt wrong and I kept it secret from all but one or two people (for safety reasons). Now I feel comfortable about talking about it. And I don't care about his OW anymore--although I still get pangs of hurt when I think that his family is not my family anymore, and that she is accepted and I am rejected among certain family members. I have to let that go. The interesting thing is most of his family has my back, just the ones who were out of state believe his lies about me. But I can move on with them as friends. And I will continue to be my friendly self if I come across any of them, including those who he claims believes his lies about me.
Can you believe he tried to sneak in a line about not being allowed to fraternize with his friends, family, or coworkers in the divorce agreement? His L was as sneaky and miserable as him. They put off any sort of negotiations the entire year without any specifics about what they object to so things couldn't move forward at all. Then the day before the final court date his L sends a modified agreement without highlighting what changes she made and told my L that H already signed so all I had to do was sign and be done. Luckily my L insisted that H must be present. I assume it was because she knew that the control freak stip was not going to go over well. I wonder if XH realizes that all of his triangulation tactics were for naught (besides getting me out of the house and having a year of not having to pay me anything). And now he just looks like a Pu$$y for pulling that cr@p in the first place--and none of that dirt ever even came into play.
Anyway, they showed. We signed. I feel both relieved and anxious. When we left the courtroom My L said H was the strangest and most Narc party he has ever dealt with--this coming from an L who has handled nothing but D for the past decade. Then he warned me that he doesn't think H will let well enough alone, so to proceed with care--stay out of his way. It was strange seeing H walk out with his L. He looked small and pathetic--nothing like the man I was in love with. He wears many masks and I see him changing them to suit different sitches. Because I am involved with him on so many levels I see prince Charming morph into Gollum morph into oliver twist all within a day. The morphs used to confuse me, like demons hiding in the shadows of the crazy forest he trapped me in.
Now I see the costume change. I know who is coming based on the scene I anticipate--and I know it is a costume. He is sweet--there is a motive. He is terrified--there is a motive. He is disengaged--there is a motive. The only one that I know is genuine is the flash of rage in his eyes. He keeps it in, doesn't explode, but I see it. I've always seen it and it has always been off putting, but I always talked myself out of believing what I saw--even when the pets and kids seemed to respond with the same uneasiness that I felt.
Anyway, I believe I am done trying to analyze it. I hope I am. He is someone else's problem now and I am grateful to her for taking him off my hands--regardless of how little respect I have for her.
From here on in it is all on me. And I am so happy. I already learned that I wasn't the reason why the house was always in such squaller--because a year on my own and things have been tidy with minimal effort. When I have the kids they do their part. And they told me H does not let them clean because he is afraid they will get sick. So they continue to live in squaller. He made a comment when D tidied up a few weeks ago when she stayed home from camp. There are other things that made me discover I wasn't a failure at adulting. One thing that scares me is that because things were so much in the air I allowed myself to slip into debt--debt that I worked hard to get out of toward the end of the marriage. I rationalized it by saying it was necessary and temporary, but it allowed me to ignore my budgeting skills. Now I have to rein that in and dig myself out of the hole while staying above water. I know I can do it, but I am a little intimidated.
It is all on me now. That is a good thing. My life. My mistakes. My successes. My joy.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Welcome to Surviving, M. You've been thru so much, I am honored to meet you
There truly IS life after divorce. Pain, regret, sadness too, but life goes on, and it is what we make it, so make it fun and fulfilling!
I'm glad you're learning that you were not the horrible person your ex made you out to be, and that all of the failures were not your fault, as they're still there long after you've gone. Don't worry, you'll dig yourself out of that financial hole!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thank you for your support. I have learned that when you go through the discard cycle with someone of my XH's personality that you have to let go of the need for closure in the typical way. I will probably never have the answers I need. I might never understand what was lurking behind the scenes and so I have let it go. But I am finding closure in other ways. I physically moved out when I was forced to, over a year ago. But I had very little of my things. So even though I didn't live there anymore, I wasn't moved out. I finally got to do that last week. My first time in the home in 13 months. It made me sad, not because I miss it because I don't. That place was disgusting. As much as I tried to make it feel homey there was always clutter. I would clean off a table, it would get piled up with his clothes, papers, anything. I would rearrange the furniture to create a more welcoming open space, he will bring a new piece that someone was throwing out to clutter the place up. Constant disarray. Not to mention the musty smell, being in a wooded area, not much sun light on the first floor. On a slab which caused the kitchen floor to get wet and slippery in the humid summer months. And stink bugs always found their way in. I have a weak sense of smell, but when I walked in I recognized the familiar smell of that home immediately--like dirt or old coffee grounds.
I cried as I walked around. Everything was packed up as if he were moving out. He wanted me to take almost everything. I knew exactly what I wanted and thought I knew where they were, but he had packed it all up. The house was barren. No trace of me, but nothing to replace that missing aspect. That is how my kids have been living for the past year?
The upstairs was better. The kids rooms were pretty much the same with some of their own minor changes made to them. My room was the freakiest experience. I walked in and the room was unchanged. Exactly the way I left it the last time I was allowed in to grab what I needed (what was supposed to be for 2 months but ended up being 13 months). Even the bouquet of flowers that my students gave me the last day of school a few weeks before I left, sat dried and unmoved for 13 months on the corner of a book shelf. The rush of emotions connected to that awful year was overwhelming. I had to leave to regroup. I cried to some of the neighbors, careful about what I said because they are his coworkers, and OWs coworkers and possible friends. They were supportive, hugged me, emotional with me. Regardless of friendships I get the sense that the general sense is one of support for me.
I planned on digging up some bulbs in my flower garden that I took from my grandmother's garden when her house was sold after she died. But Xh had already dug up and tossed them. Let it go--MS.
Then my work crew showed up, some female relatives, my brother, and a couple of "college hunks" I hired. We had everything out of there and set up in my new place in 3 hours. I went back one last time to make sure I didn't forget anything.
I felt good leaving. It didn't feel like home. It didn't feel like anyone's home. It reminded me more of a storage unit--with the exception of the kids' rooms. I hope that he will make it more homey for the kids' sake since they have to spend 50% of their time there.
Then this weekend I spoke to some of the parents of my kids' friends. There was a pang, a reminder that this year will still be wrought with gossip and whispers. OW and Xh are out in the open. Apparrently she was in my new home before I moved out, moving things in. Rumor was she was moving in, but I think she was just helping him move things. I think they also moved a lot of things out because even the attic was empty. She probably advised him to pack up everything so I wouldn't spend too much time there. Maybe he is moving out? I have a feeling he stays with her when he doesn't have the kids. She owns a home, probably the thing that made him fall in love with her in the first place. He couldn't build the life he thought he deserved so instead he decided to weasel his way into the life another man built and was pushed out of.
OW has no idea what she has gotten herself into. And I think I am mostly over it. Except for the public scrutiny. It will be another tough year, and this year it will be more open and in my face I am sure. My broken heart is mending, I am over him--not quite over the pain but it isn't a bad feeling. It reminds me that I loved--and my love was real even if his wasn't. I don't want to lose that softness--I don't want to forget how good it felt to love like that--even if it makes me sad to know how it ended. It is the humiliation I need to overcome this year. Seeing my replacement paraded around, and knowing that publicly people are accepting of it because they are the ones who mutual acquaintances have to deal with on a regular basis.
One more tough year to get through, and then I think it will start to stabilize.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Apparently she was in my new OLD home before my moving day.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
It's interesting that you see the old place as tawdry and lacking the essence of a home. The heart of that home has gone and that's you.
Know others do see that, it's obvious. Your WH is rootless and now dependent on OW for good graces, no matter how much he wishes it to be otherwise. If he is in her house, with another man's life it's shallow. It has no substance.
OW has a long way to go, she too has an ex and public deprecation. Forever tarnished as the one who was part of breaking up two marriages and causing havoc. Whether it is or no the OW is seen as guilty.
Good luck to the unlucky pair.
Your achievement is remarkable Msd. I applaud you and the great strength you have shown, fortitude and bravery.
Stand tall Msd there is much good to come for you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Rootless is a great way of describing Xh. That is exactly where the lack of connection was. He is cannot establish roots. I wonder if that is partly an after effect of his parents' D. He has always had a strained relationship with his father. His mother moved across the country when he went away to college and bounced around aunts and uncles and other homes until we settled in together. Maybe the huge conflict with us was my deep roots and his tumbleweed. Every time I tried to set roots he tried to pull them up again. And then I see how quite literally he did that by digging up my grandmothers bulbs and tossing them.
Man, how far can I take this garden metaphor? Lol. But your comment gave me such an aha moment. I really hope my kids dong suffer from his same affliction. With the new custody arrangement I hope they find a place to set roots. This passed year they told me that niether house feels like home and that made me sad. But then they said grandma and grandpas house feels like home. So there is that one constant. Today my son told me that now that my stuff is here the new house finally feels like home. Time to set our roots.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Okay. So it's been over a month since I checked in. Life has been crazy. My work schedule and the kids' schedules have been running me ragged but I think I might have found a solution that I am in the process of hammering out.
H and OW have been having family sleepovers. I noticed that I have been feeling competitive with OW and it has effected my parenting. I've been having a hard time saying no, trying to do everything, spending too much money. I know they like OW and I should be grateful for that, but there is this pang. I know that this is my insecurity. It is something I need to work through. I still haven't accepted that the family I thought I had is fractured and looking in from the outside I am the fractured side. They are playing happy brady bunch. But I know that is only appearance. I know that XH needs OW and her family around as a buffer when he has only one of the kids because he doesn't do 1 on 1 very well. I know D is relieved to have that buffer. they are worried that XH and OW will break up because now that dad is happy he is involved. That is what he has told them and led them to believe. His R with them is dependent on his R with OW. And I hate that the kids believe this. I am bitter about this sometimes and I think it shows through to the kids.
So now I need to get myself to accept this without the bitterness I feel. I need to allow them to like this new frakenfamily without sending out the vibes I have been sending out. And I am no longer going to jump through hoops with the kids to keep up with the OW's loose purse strings.
I also realized that as soon as the D is final XH will probably propose to OW. She owns a house--he wants a house. But he never wanted to put the work into fixing his credit and saving for a down payment so that would be a possibility. With OW all of that hard work was already done by her and her XH so he can slide himself in. I am starting to feel for her a bit. She has no idea what she has gotten herself into and she feels like she has won--but this prize is going to cost her--mostly financially knowing XH.
I was talking to a mutual friend the other day and the topic of XH and OW came up. This woman opened up about her M and how they started dating when her H was S, but everyone turned on her calling her a homewrecker. I felt like she was defending OW even though I really didn't say anything about OW just about how H treats me differently depending on the audience, so my guess is OW has been trying to gain allies and spin the story. I responded by assuring her that my sitch was different and gave her a quick rundown of questionable R between XH and OW over the past 5 years and the timing of XH first BD and her S with her husband. Just showed the flags that indicate their R wasn't just magically put together after their marriages had ended but instead was the catalyst for the M's ending. She can draw her own conclusions, but there is a huge difference in what this woman's story was and what happened in my sitch.
I am a little nervous that I should have kept my mouth shut, but mostly I feel good knowing that my side was heard. Damage control on OWs side is all about making me look possessive over XH when the reality is that there were so many mixed messages and inappropriate interaction between them long before D ever came up (and in front of the kids)--I just trusted him and never felt threatened by her because I never thought he would be physically attracted to her (shallow thinking on my part). I am not over what happened, but I am over him. I am happy he found a new source of supply to torture. I hate that my kids are involved in it--but there is nothing I can do about that. I hate that I have to deal with them and the people who believe them on a regular basis, but I only have to suck it up for a few more years.
And i am moving on as best I can.
As for dating. I made the mistake of starting to fall for someone. I was careful about it though. I knew it wasn't a workable situation. He is about a year behind where I am in the D process. We live about 2 hours away from each other. And we have opposite custody schedules. I think the distance and inability to see each other caused a connection stronger than what I have with my local dates because we spent a lot of time talking on the phone and really getting to know each other--there is both the connection of conversation and the fantasy of distance. We were making plans to get together for a second date, which might have lead to an overnight situation and I think we both kind of panicked. We had grown emotionally close, but with the buffer of distance. So a second date felt more like a 10th date--but not really. It was scary.
My reaction to that panic was to feel him out more--try to get a sense of what this date might mean on his end. And I think I sent out a "needy vibe". His reaction was to withdraw--which caused my knee jerk reaction of trying harder to connect. Luckily I recognized the pattern before I got annoying. I knew that until I heard from him exactly what was going on I was not going to be able to just let it go--and that would increase my need to connect to him which makes me look even more needy.
So instead of sending out feelers I came right out and said--I am getting the feeling that things are cooling off on your end. We are both going through some pretty complicated things and I understand if this is the case, but please just let me know.
And he did. He was feeling very much of the same hesitation I was feeling. We were both very much on the same page and the truth of the matter is that the timing and the situation is not workable. Better to end it then to get even deeper. It felt really good to have that kind of an adult discussion. And I realized that my neediness and clinginess that came out in my marriage and in some other Rs I've had, doesn't have so much to do with my dependency on the OP but with the lack of answers. I don't do well without answers. Questions make it hard for me to let go. Answers allow me to move on.
So I am a bit sad. There was something about this guy that felt right. But "right guy, wrong time", is wrong guy. That is the difference between my 40-something approach to dating and my 20-something approach. I am in no rush. I can take things slow. I can let go without a bruised ego or hurt feelings--I've already survived my biggest relationship fear--I can handle anything else that comes my way.
I am recognizing the difference between feeling sad because I am missing someone, and feeling desperate because I need that someone to let me in. Experiencing this loss isn't fun, but learning more about myself and identifying the reasons and emotions, and understanding my reactions to it all is a pretty wonderful experience.
I have been dating locally as well--one guy pretty regularly but casually since December. We have fun together but it won't go anywhere beyond the casual. When he goes out on other dates I am genuinely happy for him and don't feel any jealousy or competition, and I get the same vibe from him with my dating. Not that we go into detail about it, but there is no sneaking around. We've had a bunch of honest conversations about it. Part of my panic about seeing distance guy was the realization that it might mean that I'd have to end things with this guy. And I didn't really want to do that. So I was relieved when the date with distance guy got cancelled, and I filled that weekend with time with some of my local dating buddies.
I also have some friend-zone dates. The men seem ok with it and I am careful to not send mixed messages. I pay my own way and it's all good.
I am still struggling to connect with my girlfriends. Everyone is always so busy and don't get back to me. I don't know what I am doing wrong--or if I am doing anything wrong. Most of my girl friends are married with kids. I need more single friends. I do have my family though--plans with some aunts today and a friend zone date tonight. Luckily work and the kids have kept me busy. Even with 50/50 custody they have a lot going on that I am able to be a part of. Usually it means that I have to be around OW or H (H is never around or keeps a safe distance when OW and I have to be at the same events). Spineless. Knowing how XH deals with the kids events compared to how distance guy deals with his kids and his X makes me even more drawn to distance guy. But I realize the things that I admire most about him are also the things that make a R with him impractical. It is a double edged sword.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
