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Well, it has been years since I've had a thread... 6 years? It's been more than 9 years since my XH moved out and we're 2 weeks away from the 7th annivorcery. I never imagined coming back here to get insight from you guys again. But here I am, and I'm a little surprised. I don't know why that surprises me?

When I started this journey, my girls were just about 9 and 6 - they are now 18 and 15. My youngest is developmentally disabled (she is nonverbal but much smarter and more aware than what you would expect) and my D18 is graduating in 3 weeks. D15 will transition to the high school within a week of D18 heading to college in NY. She chose to go there to play volleyball. No problem, since I'm originally from the east coast. The decision process was a real trial, though, so I don't want to pretend that it didn't play a part in all of this... because it did to some extent.

I knew last fall that the winds of change were going to blow and probably be different than I expected. LOL, I was right! My XH broke up with his GF of 1 year last fall, but reconciled with her after the holidays. I suspected that they had reconciled back in February, though D18 didn't think so. I dunno, there were just signs. I can't even tell you what they were.

So on a business trip 2 months ago, he had dinner with my parents. Yeah, we're all still close. I was one of the lucky ones to get my friend back post-D. We started out as friends, so it was a process that worked out for our family. Not much drama and life was good. Anyhoo, my dad called me after he returned to the hotel and told me that GF was flying in to spend the weekend with XH in my hometown. At that moment in time, I realized that things were really going to change.

The next day I decided to call him and ask. So I did. grin I flat out started the convo with, "I have a good reason for asking, so tell me if you're serious about GF. Because if you're just f@#$ing her, I'm not willing to do this. But if you're serious about her, help me help our daughter and help you." He was stunned and speechless. Ha ha, I rarely get those reactions anymore so I kind of relished that one. I explained myself and told him that if he was serious about her, I would help D18 navigate the journey from GF just being an annoying side show to accepting her presence on his stage. And he explained that he was serious about her and that marriage was in the picture.

D18 is not exactly wild about GF or her 2 daughters. First of all, her dad is 51 and GF is 35. She thinks her dad is kind of a perv. (That still makes me laugh.) Her VB friends' parents all think that GF looks older than I do, and I just turned 50. D18 thinks there is something wrong with her. I don't know enough about the woman to make that sort of judgment call, but I do know she is kind to my D15 and that kind of tells me that she's not without good character.

Truth be told, I'm more than okay with it. I don't want him back and am quite content being his friend. And I've told D18 that she doesn't have to like GF, but that until she doesn't warrant it, deserves her respect and civility.

I thought we had made that clear, but I was wrong. XH must have taken my advice from 2 months ago to bring GF into the fold with D18... because last weekend was their weekend with him, and GF came over for dinner Saturday evening. Then things sort of deteriorated from there. I was watching the baseball game Saturday night when I got a call from her. She was driving and choked out, "Mom... can I come home and talk to you?" By the end of that sentence she was crying.

Note: Apparently, GF is now wearing a ring. They had dinner and talked about mundane crap and flirted with each other and talked about people she didn't know. She said she was pretty sure that they were planning on telling her something, but time went on and nothing did. So after dinner, they washed dishes and she told them that she was going out with friends but wanted to drop her car off at my house (she had her final club volleyball tournament on Sunday and was going to the venue an hour away with her dad) and would he pick her up later? They said their goodbyes and she came home, plopped her butt on the couch next to me, wrapped her arms around me and bawled like a 3 year old.

Yikes!

We're still identifying feelings, processing, etc. I am not completely a dolt, because I realize that some of this is strictly transition stuff... end of high school, leaving home, starting college, end of club volleyball, leaving friends, making new ones, and possibly a wedding in her future. The one thing she blurted out Saturday night is that he doesn't deserve to be happy before me... that it was me who put up with all his crap, taking care of them at a much higher price than he did and that she wanted ME to find a hot guy who could watch baseball and hockey with me, and oh, by the way, if he's loaded that would be okay too. grin

And although I'm riding all these transitions like every other mom, sh!t, I can't believe that it all makes me angry as hell again! And the worst part is I can't completely figure out why. Am I mad for her? Am I that unevolved that I can't accept this? Am I more pissed that I made most of the sacrifices? I know that I chose not to date because I have major trust issues with men. And my colleague has told me that he thinks I need to talk to someone because it's preventing me from getting close to people. Okay, he's right about that.

WTF? Do any of you have any insight to this madness? And once I figure this out, where do I begin to address trust issues? Jeez, I feel like a complete dumbass. This really just crept up on me and whacked me on the head. And I still have to get through the next 3 weeks of high school before graduation. On top of that, I turned 50 a few weeks ago and got a crappy case of shingles. So I'm not exactly in a wonderful mindset either. They hurt like hell.

Alright, I will defer to you guys and will try to do a better job about filling in the blanks.

This stinks!

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Aww, Bets - I'm sorry. Here you're thinking it's your own darn business whether you want to date or not - and it still ends up affecting your daughter frown

Well - first of all - you're right, this is all wrapped up in her transitions and not totally about you OR them. Still - it does illustrate that one of the best things we can do for our kids, is for US to be ok. My kids are delighted that I am out playing music and are theoretically relieved when they hear I am dating (although I'm still not so sure they really want to meet my dates). I know they worried that I would fall apart too, so it was an important part of their stability to feel that mom was gonna be okay.

And that brings us to your trust issues and fear of dating. C'mon - you're 50 and look younger than his young girlfriend, what the heck are you waiting for? Just dating doesn't have to mean getting married or even diving into a serious relationship. Get out there and take a few chances.

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(P.S. And you could have a 35 year old too if you wanted - lol)

Ellie

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Crap, Ellie, thanks! You've just helped nail things a little better... that comment about choosing not to date and having it come back to bite me is darned accurate! Okay, I will admit that out loud that I think you're leading me down the right path there.

Well... it started out after 3 consecutive guys about 70 asked me out. WTF? The first time I was flattered. Actually, the 2nd time it happened I swear the guy was close to 80. Now give me a bigger and louder WTF. Then... please laugh at this because I did... you know how Facebook has targeted advertising? Well, while D18's advertisements are about health classes, healthy eating and contraception, mine are about supplements for seniors and "Sexy Seniors"!!!! I swear I was nearly convinced that 50 is the new 40, but with this age thing, I'm not feeling it yet. grin Add the shingles and I'm feeling a little like a senior target on my back. LOL

So anyway, I pretty much made that choice initially because of D18's volleyball. I'm the bookkeeper and I have NO regrets. We've lived our past 7 years as gypsies, following her team around the country to competitions. Club volleyball season ends with Nationals in July... we'd have a month reprieve and she'd be back on varsity through November. It's a full time lifestyle, and XH and I (and my extended family) have loved every doggone minute of it. Owning my own company (yeah, that happened in 2008), the BS that goes along with making decisions and payroll (big time stress), working a second job and all the other typical mom stuff in between... well, it didn't really lend itself to the dating thing. Plus you throw in that my XH travels quite a bit and you have the recipe for abandoning self care and going into survival mode.

And damn it, I DO have trust issues! When I started this path, I was 40 (almost 41). I haven't seen a whole lot of good enough out there... in fact, I think because I haven't seen much that would interest me, I just made the decision to stay on top of my busy life instead. But the bad part of that equation is that I didn't work on those trust issues.

Ellie, I saw what you wrote about double standards in dating young and you have no idea what a nerve that hit. Since XH is dating a 35 year old, it was already there. Then my sister sent me an article in an Indy paper about this 50 year old guy who said he can't stand women his age because they were old. Ugh. Okay, I need to get on this one. I don't know where to start. I can't start dating someone... anyone... and be fair to him when I haven't done some more work on myself.

Okay, if you saw my FB profile, I have a cougar crush and his photo is adorning my page. I've told D18 that if I were going to go hog wild into cougarland, I'd go for BB player, Kenneth Faried. She and her friends just laugh. I know. So do I. But in big girl Betsey world, I really would like someone closer to my own age. (Which is not 70!!!) I have some boundaries that I will not cross: he can't hate his XW, and he has to realize that D15 and I are a total package. Some guys just can't handle that. I'm okay with that and understand...

So: 1) any books on dealing with trust issues; 2) once I'm feeling better about identifying how I could set myself up for success, I'll venture in the dating pool. Uh, where's the pool? I seem to have thrown away all my maps. grin

Thanks for weighing in... I missed you guys.

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Don't have any trust issue book recommendations, maybe someone else can help there. I kinda felt like my challenge was to learn to be a little LESS trusting, ha ha!

But - you might take a look at some of Pia Mellody's stuff about Love Avoidants, I don't know if any of it would fit you or not.

As for the 70 year olds - at one point in time, my good friend - who is my age - was dating a 70 year old while I was dating someone....um.....much younger than that. We had some interesting conversations about the whole thing!

As for whether guys your age would be interested in you - yes, they would! It's just that the vocal guys are saying, they don't want a woman in her 50's who is stuck and boring - which you definitely are not! That's the biggest problem I have with guys MY age - too many of them haven't listened to any new music since 1973 and are not growing mentally or emotionally.

Once you let down your barriers, you will find that men in general ARE interested. Once you start smiling and making eye contact when you are out and about, you'll be surprised what the "I'm happy and available" vibe might attract.

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Ooh, just googled Kenneth Faried - GORGEOUS.

My last boyfriend (who picked me up shopping in a discount store) was a gorgeous 6'6" black man, 9 years younger. Very sexy and handsome. (Unfortunately, had to give him up as he was a super Love Avoidant guy - just got too tired of waiting around for crumbs, he was sweet but he couldn't tolerate getting too close).

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Ellie,

I will definitely check out Pia. I know that SD was a huge fan of hers so why not? I actually might be a Love Avoidant, so maybe there is some good stuff for me there.

And thanks for the vote of confidence. I definitely don't consider myself boring (nor have I ever been told that) or even bored.

Quote:
That's the biggest problem I have with guys MY age - too many of them haven't listened to any new music since 1973 and are not growing mentally or emotionally.


That's pretty interesting. I'll have to pay attention to that. I will say that having kids our kids' age kind of helps there. D18 listens to everything. My ring tone for her is LMFAO's I'm Sexy and I Know It... she liked it before it became popular and that Wiggle Wiggle thing just cracks me and D15 up. Anyway, I hear what you're saying.

Okay, when I get my a$$ out there doing new stuff after graduation, I'll put out the "I'm happy, available and I know it" vibe.

So you googled the Manimal? Yep, good choice. (Of course I'm probably older than his Momma, but...) I just love a tall guy, athletic arms and no tats. Yummy. I watch BB with a huge smile on my face and D18 and her friends just laugh at me. But I've noticed they don't disagree!

Now, off to find a sledgehammer so I can start knocking down some walls. You know how that works. And I'm pretty much the poster child with a sign on her head that says, "Go away. Leave me the eff alone." Time for a new sign...

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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You would love my selection of dates since my divorce then - 6'6", 6'4", 6'3", and 6'6" - the two 6'6" ers were both ex-college basketball players, with that classic broad-shouldered physique wink One more and I'll have my own basketball team.

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Quote:
One more and I'll have my own basketball team.


LOL, 3 more and you have a great baseball team! grin

I found a book and dowloaded on my kindle last night. The author is David Richo, and the title is When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships. I got to chapter 4 last night, and it's about transferance. Basically, inviting others to play certain roles from our childhood that are not finished on our stage without disclosing these hidden contracts. It's pretty interesting. Apparently, he has exercises later on in the book, so I'll see what I have to do down the road. I'm sure my stage will be littered with surprised and bad actors...

Thanks for weighing in, Ellie. Oddly enough, being back here is helping.

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Oh, I love him! He wrote a great book called How to be An Adult in Relationships.

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