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#99188 12/19/02 03:34 AM
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Kansha Offline OP
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My H is quite happy in his studio, thank you very much!

I just think I’ve done about all I can do and as we all know, DOING is not always the best thing and that , even after all this time, is sometimes hard to remember. I mean, there must be some way to fix this, and if there is, I’m gonna find it and fix it. Right? NOT!

Well, I need to remember to let it go, SOME MORE , ah jeesh… again?!

So in that spirit, I am starting a new thread.
Retrouvaille is great(We still have 4 follow ups left) but, I mean ya can “lead a horse to water…” Soooooo... no... I’m not “done” or “moving on” as we like to say around here, I’m just gonna do “something different.”

GOALS

  • 1. come up with a list of goals
  • 2. get busy
  • 3. become involved in lots of other things and leave H to his cave.

    These goals are not as well written as I'd like, so I will refine them when I get some uninterrupted time.

  • #99189 12/19/02 06:53 PM
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    hello fellow sahm...

    how are things going...

    LL

    #99190 12/20/02 01:53 AM
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    Kansha Offline OP
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    LL,
    I'm so Happy you came to visit me on my thread!!!!!

    I'm doing okay now that I've (again) given up trying to fix things.

    How are you? I think it is great that you are listing all the positives that are happening in your relationship with your H. Hugs to you!


    Okay,
    One of my new goals is to Give my H and my relationship over to God. (yes, again) To accomplish this I will pray often and ask for God's help.


    I tried to take back control during our Retrouvaille process because there are things TO DO. So I got a little overzealous and went into my "fix-it" mode.

    Last night my H was Raging. He was upset about the dog excrement not getting picked up in a timely fashion and because of this he was stepping in it on his trek to and from his studio (cave)

    He was abusive to S9 and I about it which, caused S9 to get hives and my stomach to become knotted. So, instead of the old me getting outraged at how he was handling his upset. I just clearly set a boundary and explained that the way he was talking to us was not acceptable and that it was having the opposite result from what he intended. It just made us hope he stepped in more. I said that we are more then happy to come up with a solution to this problem. ( And NO I did not say: "Well, if you didn't insist on sleeping out there in the first place you wouldn't have this problem," lol)

    Not only did he appologize proffusely, he said he was mortified at how he had treated us. (He used to rage like that constantly, that first year or two so this is a definate improvement)

    He is having a tough time right now and he is really stressed. So, I need to lighten up a little. (He's in between contracts) so he needs to come up with a new contract so that we have money coming in. He also has an infection which doesn't help matters. I really need to let God do His work and try to be less insistent that things go at my pace.

    Thanks to everyone who comes to read my thread. Won't you please stop in and say hi? I hope everyone is well and is going to keep the PMA up for the holidays. My prayers are with each and everyone of you.

    God Bless! Kansha

    #99191 12/20/02 03:19 PM
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    Kansha Offline OP
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    My new plan is working out good for me.

    This morning I started thinking about H as I was driving back from dropping the kids at school and immediately I said, "No, this is not for me to solve, I've turned it over to God, thank you, God." and that was it.
    A feeling of lightness came over me and my mind went on to think of more pleasant things.

    I'm not even checking to see how God is doing. It doesn't even sound right to "check on God's work" when you hear it but, I know I'm always looking to see if God is working on it. This would be enough to make any human give up. But, God loves me and understands my impatience. But, I love God so I will not continue to be unloving by looking over His shoulder, so to speak.

    Letting Go is always a good idea. I forgot that when I had something to "work" on.

    I know my H needs lots of space, still . I do get tired and impatient, I know but, this is not in my time and I know I am perfectly welcome to give up at any time. I will know that I have done everything I can (well that's the point, isn't it?)to save my marriage, to make it satisfying. But, I have not trusted God by continuing to let go.

    This is a lesson to learn many times over. Each time I get better and better at it.

    Won't you say Hi, so I know you've been here?

    Hugs to you (you know who you are!)


    #99192 12/20/02 03:32 PM
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    hi kansha,

    sounds like you've got the right idea...many times over the summer (while h was not here and there appeared to be no hope) when I lay in bed alone I asked god for two things..1. the strength to let go and let h do what he needs to do..2. to help h to find peace.

    well it seemed to work as h came home...

    but just as you...I have forgotten to leave it alone..I thought that since h was now home..we could start doing the work together..thing is h still has some work of his own to do and apparently so do I.

    it's a long road home Kansha...and at times we may stepp in dog sh!t. (like the way you handled h with that one..way to db!! ) but eventually we will get there.
    if we only let the man with the plan do the driving.

    LL so what are you going to do for YOU today??

    #99193 12/20/02 03:36 PM
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    Here I am, to tell you Hi!!!!!!!

    I am not familiar with your sit but can identify with some aspects ike the letting go and letting God.

    I keep thinking about Retroville. Turns out one of my day care parents and her H attended a few years back. She said that it was great!

    Thing is my H and I attended a marriage retreat in Oct and H didn't benefit at all. He's in the Withdrawal phase of his MLC and because he couldn't find any pat answers the retreat only served to add to his stress/confusion.

    So maybe the Retroville is for on up into the future.


    I remember the Anger. I used to tell my kids to just be quiet and let it blow over.

    I also remember being in the car sometime in the fall and him mentioning his yelling sessions. He said he was sorry and did not intend to ever do that again.

    Thanks for your post, it helps me remember to keep giving my H to God , to pray for him and to keep letting go and letting God.

    This from Lily who is fighting urges to manipulate/control. Learning to let that characteristic diminshish and not be a part of the new me. This Life Lesson is real hard. <Sigh>

    #99194 12/20/02 04:25 PM
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    Kansha - thought I would give you a shout out from the East Coast...

    Like you, I have tried to just "let go" - detach from my W's drama. That has worked wonders for my PMA as I am concentrating on the kids and myself. Of course, W has misinterpreted that as not doing anything - but that's how she is. Can't change her - but I can still choose to love her.

    Hope that you have a great SoCal weekend!


    Bob
    #99195 12/20/02 06:37 PM
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    Kansha Offline OP
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    HO HO HO !



    It looks like Santa has come to my thread a little early! LOL!

    I was so happy to see visitors that actually posted to me. It's funny how that is, but it feels like a real treat when I "tune" in to my thread and I actually have "mail"!!! You all made my day!

    Yea, LL, I know what you mean, you think, finally, I can "work" on this. Truth is that our H's still have a lot of work to do by themselves and we need to butt out. It's between God and them.

    Awhile back, I had a thread over on the MLC forum called, "The Long Road Home- and MLC journey". I guess it's true that great minds think alike, lol.

    Hugs!

    #99196 12/20/02 06:58 PM
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    Kansha Offline OP
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    Lovely Lily!

    I'm so glad you stopped in to say hi!

    My H has been in MLC since 1997 as far as I can trace back. Things started to get really bad in 1999. My story is in the MLC Forum. "The Long Road Home- an MLC journey".

    I've been at this so long that most people just shake their heads in wonder .

    I do agree that Retrouvaille is further in your future. Your H like mine, needs a cave to muttle in.

    Wow, your kids actually listened to you(when your H was in the angry stage) and stayed quiet. My D(teen) became infuriated, well... uh... so did I, until I learned to deal with my own anger. My poor little gentle soul s though.

    I'm glad my posts are helpful. This letting go thing is so hard for a fixer.

    I fell right back into my old pattern without even noticing it. Thanks for your beautiful words, I enjoy reading your threads too.

    BTW, I think you live near where I grew up. All my family is still there. I go back to visit from time to time. I've tried to get together with Snodderly a few times but I never could swing it.

    Kansha, wishing you peace and inner stillness with which to hear God whisper in your ear... "Lily, have faith, God loves you!You can let go, I will catch you and Sage, let ME carry your burdens for awhile!"

    #99197 12/20/02 07:04 PM
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    Kansha Offline OP
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    Bob!!!!

    You're such a sweetie to stop by and say Hi!

    I was born on the east coast! LA is cold(well for here) and rainy right now.

    Yes, letting go does help to keep that PMA buoyant.

    I will check in on your thread to see what's up.

    A Happy Christmas, for you and yours and for everyone here!

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