A week ago, my H left for a business trip. The last thing we discussed before he left was our upcoming MC session with a new counselor, where we would discuss coparenting and communication.
I practiced NC but he contacted me on chat and called and asked to speak with me after talking to our kids. I was open to talking with him but thought it was all a little out of character. When he returned from his trip, he told me that he was ready to give our marriage a try - for a year. I put my wedding ring back on right away.
I wasn't sure how to take it or what I was feeling - after 7 months of separation and eventually reaching that critical point where you know you'll be ok no matter what happens. I was truly ready to separate and to be ok with it.
My good friends here have given me some great advice: keep expectations low, now is when the hard work really begins, this is a brand new R, look for some tools to change our patterns.
So far, after a few days, we are doing ok. Easing back into it. I am trying to be affectionate and appreciative. I haven't noticed H reaching out per se but for now, his declaration to move past all of our stuff and try to work on things is huge. We have had some physical affection but I'm not sure it's coming naturally to him yet. No ILY's and he has not put his ring back on.
Communication will be a big one for us. I ordered Gottman's book for the both of us to read, as I think it will help us recognize some of the destructive patterns we've fallen into. Retrouvaille could be an option in the future. H is still getting frustrated with me but I've been pushing him to work the issues through vs. walking away from the discussion.
Something that frustrates him a lot is when I don't agree with him right away. We've already had this happen 3 times over the weekend - once about our neighbor (heated discussion), once about hanging a photo in my son's room and once about when it was appropriate to leave a friend's house. It's hard for him to listen to my side of things and to meet in the middle. For example, his solution to the last thing was, "Well, if I say it's time to go you should just realize I have a good reason for saying that." My point was that if he wants to change our plan, I want to know why he's doing that.
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
How about this "You raise a really good point, but let me think about it for a while, okay?"
Or, leaving a friend's, if feasible, you could stay. Or, at friend's ask him "Why he would like to go?" If he gives you any response (I am tired, I feel uncomfortable, I am bored etc) then you can grant his request-if this is a behaviour you want to change in H.
He will need to give valid reason for something he requests, if it is a point on which you disagree. Although hanging pic, is minor, unless on ceiling or over bed and could impale S in his sleep...lol.
I realize you may see this as giving in. But if he or you, cannot meet in the middle at this point, then giving H the tools with which to have his request granted will lead to a little security and safety in his mind (he is making decisions, you are listening) and then you can move from there.
I have a hunch he is so used to you disagreeing that the "Do it my way now" is a reflex...easily changeable, btw, with a little work and swallowing of pride
Ruby, I am glad you're back - at least to comment on our stuff!
Sometimes, when we go out as a family, we take 2 cars so we avoid the stay/go conundrum. In this case, we were watching the football playoffs. We'd been there all day, but that was the expectation. H decided that he wanted to leave after the third quarter of the 2nd game. He was giving weird excuses. The real reason we needed to leave was that the tension was rising between our friends - the wife had been gone all day and she came home and started flipping out because of the mess and her kids had eaten crap all day. But as that was happening, I didn't recognize it right away and his vague reasons for leaving weren't sitting with me. H takes it personally when I don't agree with him, no matter what the issue. It's a fine line - we want our spouses to be happy but we don't want to do that at the expense of what we want - at least not all the time.
The picture hanging in my son's room - well, he did a photo shoot for a photographer that is a friend of mine and she had him all dressed up with fake tattoos like a punk rocker. It's a bit of a severe photo. Yes, it was all in fun, and we know that, but S does have some aggression problems at school, so his point was to have that hanging in his room might be sending the wrong message to him and also to friends who come over. He has a good point, I relented. I need to have these issues spelled out though and that seems to be a problem for H.
This morning, I tried to be affectionate with him and he was just lying there like a dead fish. This is along the lines of what used to happen, which I would take personally and interpret as his lack of interest in me. I asked him if everything was ok and he said he wasn't feeling well. I asked him to try to tell me these things upfront as I could easily misinterpret.
As it turns out, he had a bit of acid reflux in the middle of the night from all the junk he ate yesterday watching football. I said nothing to him as he shoveled it in.
I am trying to treat him like a "boyfriend" but he has been pretty withdrawn and we have to change that dynamic... I will say that DBing is a little easier when we have the ability to talk to our spouses about our feelings under the assumption that they are invested in improving the M. Right now, he's not the BF that I want...
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Congrats, that's fantastic news!!! My W also said over the weekend (after RetroV) that she's now willing to work on the M. We're still S and I don't anticipate that will end anytime soon, but it's a really big step for her to say that.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Okay, having stuff spelled out..not so bad, as long as you say "I need you to tell me because I s*ck at these kinds of things. It may take a while to get the message through, but when it is said with no exasperation and a self deprecating kind of manner, it is a reflection on you, rather than an inability on his part to remember you are clueless :P (just like him not telling you he wasn't feeling well) ::)
AS - congrats!! Big news! I would love to get to Retrouvaille at some point...
IO/Ruby - hooray to have you back...
H knows that I am sometimes not socially tuned in. He is more tuned in than I am, to the point where he gets a little paranoid. It's a fact that people aren't paying as much attention to you as you think they are - they are too wrapped up in themselves - but H is one who doesn't believe in that.
Anyway, the new M is going to be one of spelling things out very clearly. There will be no walking away from conversations, throwing hands in the air and saying "fine", no resentful giving in just to avoid an argument. I will stand up for myself but also try to see his point of view more than I was doing.
Also working on letting stuff go - he made a nice dinner tonight and I just tried to stay out his way while he was cooking it, but I did help around the kitchen - setting the table and washing the dishes, etc.
Still not feeling especially lovey dovey but we'll give it some time.
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Anyway, the new M is going to be one of spelling things out very clearly. There will be no walking away from conversations, throwing hands in the air and saying "fine", no resentful giving in just to avoid an argument. I will stand up for myself but also try to see his point of view more than I was doing.
Am loving it...I have this on copy to remind you....
RLA, I'm gonna remind you too kiddo. You are doing great! This was the kind of stuff my W did/does so it gets me to react negatively and vice-versa. Wish my W would realize this cycle. It was explained to her over and over in MC by 2 therapists. She still denies this. It is solely up to me to try and break the cycle of this dynamic. Like you I struggle with being the one to give in all the time and resentment builds from that but gotta stop it regardless of how nasty she is.
Keep goin' the way you are goin'. Proud of you and you should be proud of yourself!
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
