Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2203300 12/05/11 06:16 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
angel61 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
Dear everyone,

This Thanksgiving season for me is one to be really thankful for. We are officially piecing!

I have posted in MLC that we went to Retrouvaille, the first week of November. It was the start of a trickle of hope for my H. I have posted all about our experience in my MLC thread.

We have attended two post sessions now, and last Saturday, the topic was on love and committment.

I got the courage to ask H if he is firm in his commitment to restore our marriage, and he said yes, that is why he is attending with me. He also told me that he has decided to go for loving me. He made sure that I understood that love this time is not "romantic" love that I was looking for in our past years, and I told him that I know and want perfectly the real, deep, mature love that means we will be kind to each other, care for each other....

In a moment of reflection, I thought back to all that we have been through, and realize that had I not listened and learned from what people here on the boards have been posting to both to me and to others, our M, and our life, might have had a very different outcome.

This is just a new start, and I have to make sure that the changes I have made are for real, and that I will keep improving everyday, to be the best person I can be.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
grin

((((( )))))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
angel61 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
Hey 25, yes! I finally get your stamp of approval! That makes my heart swell! I know how hard you worked to explain forgiveness, and detachment, and how to lose the anger. I have repeated your words (the one about lighting yourself on fire) to other people, both in the boards and out of it. And I also now know how frustrating it is to teach those concepts - so I really appreciate your patience!!!!

Also special mention to Cyrena, Grace_O, Lorie, V, Alb...

Its going to be a long journey, I know. Picking up the pieces is not easy. I know that probably, at this point, I am just doing the "whew, finally" feeling of relief kinda thing. But I kow, H is still in the tunnel,still has quite some way to go. I will have some examples for you later. My mind is occupied with a work dealine right now so I can't seem to focus on deeper stuff.

Although he has been doing such a good job, I am not pattng myself in the back or allowing myself to backlide or be complacent.

Just letting you know.....


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 528
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 528
Hi Angel,

I'm so happy for you! I'm also glad to see that you're proceeding with a good attitude, of recognizing that you both still have a way to go and will require time, space, prayer, compassion, and an ongoing commitment to making positive changes.

Be aware that the darkest time comes at the dawn, or however that sentiment is worded--it's often much harder to deal with the lingering depression as the MLCer drags towards the end of the tunnel than it was when the bombs were being dropped, and this is where your changes will really be tested.

You really are doing great!

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
angel61 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
Thank you, Cyrena.

Right now I feel like my defenses are still up, I actually have difficulty dropping it so that I can connect with him. I suddenly realized just how much I have changed.

I also suddenly feel like I don't know how to interact with him any longer.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: angel61
Thank you, Cyrena.

Right now I feel like my defenses are still up, I actually have difficulty dropping it so that I can connect with him.

Do Not sabotage this w/your doubt or your isolation. Open your heart to him. (Remember that You are married.)

Can he hurt you again? YES...and the reverse is true too.

We all risk it every time we let our guard down.

But keeping our guard up - keeps others from reaching us - and then we never connect.

Never connecting means we never feel truly intimate, truly loved, truly known...

That's a guaranteed lose lose. Why choose that?

It's NOT safer...it only appears that way.



I suddenly realized just how much I have changed.

I also suddenly feel like I don't know how to interact with him any longer.



Be Here Now...no futurizing, no history reviews. Stay in the present. LIVE.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
angel61 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
This is going to be long, so bear with me. Had a big bump in my piecing story. Let me know what you think – lessons learned, 2x4’s, things I did right and wrong, what you guys think about where we are headed…. Everything welcome…..

Yesterday H told me that when OW goes back to her home country (apparently she is still here till next week) she will continue working part time with H’s company, handling some aspects of the research being done by H in her homeland.

I went crazy. I told H that I could not accept such a set up, that it was going to cause failure of our reconciliation. That I will be hurting every time they had to speak. That I felt that it might make him feel for her again. I did not want him to ever have contact with OW again. I said he should do everything not to re-hire her. He said she was the most qualified person to do the job, and that it was not his decision alone.

H got mad at me. He said I should not have brought up the topic of OW in the first place because we were doing so well with our reconciliation efforts. He felt that I was being demanding and controlling all over again, and he said that he no longer felt anything for OW and knew that what he felt was wrong. He also said that he had defriended OW from FB, and never texts her anymore or writes. But he did admit to the occasional phone call, but that was more to make it easy on himself. He said that I should believe him when he says that he wants our marriage to work and that he would not do anything, and even if he were in contact with OW it no longer meant anything to him. He also said that he and OW never had anything remotely physical, not even in the past.

What hurt me though was that he said that if I view things that way, it would be the cause of our M’s failure, and that we should rethink our commitment to the M. I told him that I did not feel I was being demanding, just that I wanted to protect our M. He pointed out he wanted to do the same, and that I should try to see all our improvements - we are talking, he has committed to working on our M, he has realized and accepted that we do love each other, and that we did love each other in the past, and we are even sexually intimate now, after 5 months on no ML. I told him I do realize and see all of those and that I am very thankful,

We both decided at that point not to talk further, as we were just making things worse. He assured me that he would never leave us for OW, or for anybody else. We then left the house to pick up D in a friends house, and while we were there, I could see that H was doing his best to act sweet to me, sending me loving looks, talking nicely to me, sitting beside me.

I tried to be responsive at that point but was too shocked and was into the downward spiral of depression. I have to admit, I sabotaged his efforts by even implying during our conversation that he went to OW’s country in the past not because the company sent him but because he wanted to be with OW, of which he really got mad at me and told me that of course not, that was all the decision of his boss.

Anyway, by the time we went home we alternately having normal conversation and loaded ones, mostly with me being in the attack mode.

He finally said at 9:30 PM that he was emotionally exhausted and wanted to sleep. On the other hand, I was so overwrought that I could to sleep and even had nightmares when I did. I even dreamt of being suffocated and woke him up by struggling against him and hitting him with my elbows.

I lay in the dark afterwards, finally calm enough to pray. I needed to think clearly and rationally, to process what I just learned. Suddenly I felt that things were clear… and I woke him up (OMG) but I felt it couldn’t wait. Things he had been telling me suddenly became clear to me.

I told him that now I realized what our barriers where for committing fully to our M. His was thinking that we had no love in our M in the past. He struggled with thinking that he has made a mistake, married his best friend. But last week, at our post session, he had a breakthrough. He realized that we did have love in our M, and that we could bring back that love by deciding to commit and love. H, now fully awake, told me “you finally get it! And that is why I am no longer worried about OW! I thought that the emotion I felt for her was love, but realized it was not! It is just the stereotype brought about by movies and books! True love is what we have!”

For me, I explained that my barrier to commitment was OW. That I still felt hurt and was afraid to be hurt more, that is why I my reaction was so deep to the news. I asked that he understand me, and accept my feelings as such.

We discussed how OW’s are actually a symptom of what is missing in a relationship, and he told me that now, he is confident that we understand what is missing in our relationship and that I should strive not to think about OW.

Somehow, after our conversation, I felt so reassured and open. I don’t know if that is the right thing to be, but almost all of my fears were allayed. I hope to God that my intuition on this is right and that I won’t be disappointed again.

To end the night, H suddenly turned to me with a twinkle in his eye, and said “now thats all resolved, and here we are, wide awake at 3AM, why not ML? and I laughed too and told him – ready when you are!”

LOL, rest of the night was fun and games…..


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 528
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 528
Hi Angel,

I think things are moving in a good direction for you and H--the making love, the discussions about how to improve your M, and your understanding of his feelings are such important steps.

That said, I believe he's still fooling himself. The phone calls indicate that he's not ready to cut off contact with the OW. He's also not ready to admit how much he has hurt you, or that he was going to her country for more reasons than being sent by his boss.

In his way, he's still cake-eating, and still needs to go through the process of ending their relationship, then grieving that, acknowledging how he's hurt you, then forgiving himself for that, and clearly examining what his R with the OW was about, then making the necessary changes in himself to prevent another EA. My own H did eventually do all these things, but the process seemed even slower than it was!

The important thing is that you're both progressing, your communication has improved dramatically, you have shown your willingness to understand each other, you are redefining what your love will look like in the future--I see so many positives. Keep up the good work!

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
Angel,

I'm going to offer a few thoughts. First,I disagree with Cyrena to an extent. I don't see him talk to OW as cake eating. In an ideal world, he would cut off contact, but we don't live in an ideal world. I think Angel's H has started to do what you suggested.
I do see him trying to minimize their contact. I do see him letting go, at least from a guy's perspective.

Angel, as a suggestion, is there anyway they could communicate though an intermediary?

I think your do your recon serious harm with stuff like this. Believe me, I know. part of the piecing effort is to show him you've changes. Your episode was probably more like the old Angel.

I also think that at some point, in your mind, you need to make a deal with yourself to STOP bringing up the OM or not having a reaction when he does. I'm sure he doesn't want this being held over his head for the rest of his live and it's not part of true forgiveness to do so.

I also wonder if you fully understand why it happened from your H's perspective.

You said it very well. The OW is a barrier to your commitment (Not his) Translation, you are asking him for help with working on your issue. Go work on it...by yourself.

Obviously, you know that bringing up the past didn't help. Like 25 says "from this day forward.'

You cannot change the past or what happened. You can change your future.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
angel61 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
Dear Cyrena and Harrier,

This back and forth is good. I like it that I have POV's from both the male and female sides. My thought processes agrees more with Cyrena's, but I also did think about me being the old Angel with the reaction I had, that is why you will note that the way I wrote the story, I was self-depreciating, with me saying that I was in attack mode.

The more I look at it, the more I realize that both H and I are developing our patience and our willingness to understand each other and not act (or react) impulsively. We both initially did, but we both backed off, and the result was good.

As they say, the strength of a relationship lies not in not having conflict, but in dealing with it. We must be learning!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard