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Well, I've finally gotten off my lazy butt and moved over to this forum. I'm really glad to be here and piecing things back together with H! Here is all the history:

Things happened so quickly... is there any hope?
Can we be friends?
Waiting for Forgiveness
Still Waiting for Forgiveness
Forgiveness Received! (Divorce Started)
The couple who posts together, stays together?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Things have been really good between H and I. I hope he agrees! We still see little stumbling blocks here and there but we're both working hard on how to prevent them when they occur and opening up to each other. We are also working hard on showing each other that we love each other using our love languages.

Right now H is on a skiing trip with his dad. I have to admit that it's really rough to have him gone again. I know I can handle being home alone because I did it for 3 months but it reminds me of those months so strongly that overall it's a pretty depressing experience. Luckily I have some friends coming down this weekend so that should keep me busy.

I'm supposed to go visit my parents while they are vacationing for winter in Alabama (they'll only be there to the end of March) but I really don't want to leave H. I don't want to be away from him, I don't want to put him through having me gone because I know he hates it and to be honest, there are some lingering trust issues as well. It's something that's really important to my parents and I think I need some time with them before my H will be ready to see them again.

The biggest issue we're discussing now is whether or not to continue seeing a C. We went this last week and I actually think it was a really good session. Most of the things that came up were things we'd already discussed but the C is really good at asking the right questions and getting us to understand each other even better than we can do on our own.

I think in the end we both decided to stop going and we're going to work on things ourselves. I was looking to do something a bit more structured while we C ourselves. For example, we would both read a chapter in a book and then discuss it, go through the KLA tape series and do the workbook exercises and discuss them, go through other books with workbooks, go to the KLA seminar and look online for intersting webpages and read/discuss those. Since we're both procrastinators, we'd have to set up something regular... like an hour every Tuesday to discuss etc.

We know that one of our major issues is that my H has a hard time communicating with me so we're looking into ways that will make it easier for him to do so. I am understanding more and more (with help of C actually) what makes it hard for him to speak with me so I am working on that. He also has ways that make it easier for him to tell me things like this BB, writing emails, letters etc and we're looking into ways we can bring up issues with each other like that so it will be more comfortable for him.

So now that we have a good handle on the issues with us, one of our biggest problems is going to be my family - and more specifically my mother. I'm actually going to continue with the C and work on my R with my mom. My mom has a very dominating personality, can be very judgemental and has to always be right. Unfortunately, she wanted us to get D'ed and thought it would be for the best. She doesn't have a high opinion of my H. She told me during the entire ordeal that my wedding day was the worst day of her life... so this isn't going to be easy.

Well, that's how things stand right now. This is going to be one long, slow, hard process but when my H is sitting next to me, holding my hand and smiling at me, it's all worth it.


-Calystra
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#1 Congrats on being here

Vince

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Calystra,

You both sound so very commited to the process of healing and you look as though your on the right track to success. I wish you all the best.

Vince

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Quoting calystra:
We know that one of our major issues is that my H has a hard time communicating with me so we're looking into ways that will make it easier for him to do so. I am understanding more and more (with help of C actually) what makes it hard for him to speak with me so I am working on that. He also has ways that make it easier for him to tell me things like this BB, writing emails, letters etc and we're looking into ways we can bring up issues with each other like that so it will be more comfortable for him.



Calystra -- I'm so psyched for all the progress you guys have made! I'd love it if you could find time to share what you're learning about communicating with H.

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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Cal,

Its like I read your posts and there is nothing to give advice on anymore, you guys are figuring it all out without needing any help from us. Your an inspiration now!


FLoyd
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Calystra -- I'm so psyched for all the progress you guys have made! I'd love it if you could find time to share what you're learning about communicating with H.

Alright, this is definitely something I can do for you guys! I want to warn you beforehand that my C is heavily into the concept of family dynamics and how our families taught us how to interact/behave.

My H told me that when we are discussing something, I have a manner of speaking that always makes him feel like he has to defend himself. He finds himself trying to form his words to do just that and since he's a conflict-avoider, most of the time he would rather just give in or stop the conversation rather than try to defend himself against what I'm saying.

My C started asking me how things worked in my family and especially with my mom as we had already highlighted her as a target problem more than my father. My dad is more understanding and supportive by far. After a few good questions by the C and thinking about it for a while, I realized that my mom is one of those people who always has to be right. Her way or the highway. She is very assertive, very aggressive and very argumentative. Growing up I was always scolded for interrupting conversations but she didn't realize that to get a word in edgewise, I had to interrupt.

So, to get my needs met, I learned how to be assertive, aggressive and argumentative right back. This means that when H and I discuss things, I display these traits and he's right - I am being aggressive/argumentative and essentially asking him to defend himself. But he's not my mother so he reacts differently.

Because these traits of mine are so ingrained, it's really hard to break out of this style of talking. When in the middle of conversations, my H finds it very difficult to speak up and tell me I'm being this way. He is afraid of 2 things I think... hurting my feelings and that I might not care about his feelings and keep doing what I'm doing. During the C session I told him that it's great when he does this because it's such an unconscious thing on my part, it snaps me out of it. I think that he will try harder to tell me now that he knows it helps me.

But the important part is that not only does he bring it to my attention - I know how (from DB'ing) to interact with him in a better manner that's more comfortable for him. I listen, I shut my mouth, I validate!

The second thing that's hard for him to do is bring up his needs. I really struggle with speaking his love language because it doesn't come naturally to me at all. He told me the other day that his love tank was getting low and I didn't even realize that I hadn't been filling it because I was feeling so good from having mine full. (Quality time comes pretty naturally to both of us so I'm the lucky one, I think.) He feels that it cheapens things if he has to tell me because I immediately try to work on it and I think he feels the effort is less than genuine... and then I start to forget again... which reinforces the fact that it wasn't genuine and lasting... and we're in this vicious circle.

The C told us that at first it will be difficult for me to do because it's not something that comes naturally - like picking up a new sport... you don't know how to do it right away but after some practice you get really good. She said that he might have to help me out for a while but after I practice more and more, I should get really good at it and then we can take the training wheels off. I think he's ok with that.

And the last thing my H has a problem with is bringing up bad feelings. He's not only afraid of my reaction, he's afraid of hurting me. My C explained to him that it is my decision whether or not to be hurt by something he says. He does not have the power to hurt me, I only have the power to let him hurt me - and I have to give up the power and make the decision if I'm going to allow something he's said to hurt or not. I think he liked that concept too but I don't know if it will make things easier for him or not.

One thing that will make things easier for him is my reaction to anything he says. It's important to him that I control my reaction and emotions and try to understand what he's saying and validate his feelings. This is something I try to do but I'm going to struggle with. Well, for most things I won't have a problem but I think there are cases where I sometimes just can't control my reaction nor should I necessarily be expected to. For example, when he told me about the A... but that's over with now so I'm running on the assumption that he will never have to tell me something that painful ever again.

Whew, that was long.


-Calystra
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Whew, that was long.

Long, and powerful!

Damn, girl, this part of your story sounds so familiar to me! My wife and I had pretty much the same patterns. They're pretty hard to break, but it IS doable, and gets easier with time and practice.

My wife is a very "feeling" type of person, whose thoughts kinda bouce back and forth with the moment. I had to learn to just let her talk, to "think out loud", and let her thoughts and feelings run full-circle before I "interupted" her with my thoughts.

On the other hand, my thoughts and feelings often run pretty deep, I've been stewing on them for awhile, and it takes me awhile to actually get around to my point. Which frustrated the hell out of my wife.

Quite often, too, we had been having OUR part of the conversation going on for so long in our heads, that we kinda jumped in with it in the middle of our thoughts, and the other party had absolutely no idea on what initial thoughts lead up to this point!

We came up with a "code-phrase" that we started most deep conversations with, which was "I'm just thinking out loud here", which helped to remind us both of the fact that we were in a "safe-zone" to talk. That we wanted to be listened to, without interuption, and that neither of us wanted anything solved, and that we weren't trying to "attack" the other person. It was VERY unnatural at first, but it helped us both to put things in perspective, and helped to set some ground rules for the purpose of the conversation. We still use this a LOT!


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
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Quoting Floyd101:
Cal,

Its like I read your posts and there is nothing to give advice on anymore, you guys are figuring it all out without needing any help from us. Your an inspiration now!

We'll be able to say this very soon about your sitch too I bet.


-Calystra
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C-

I would like you to visit my thread in midlife section. I am looking for help regarding those key things you did that worked.

Thanks

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Ok I have a question that I probably already know the answer to, I just want some opinions...

Lets say that a bank employee was looking at people's accounts without cause and sharing that information with her friends and other people who weren't bank employees. (For example: Hey, I looked at so-and-so's account and he spent almost $500 at 2 companies in the last month. I looked up those companies and they're online porn sites.. ha ha ha.)

So not only is this probably against the bank policy, it's illegal and wrong on multiple levels. And if you could get the attention of an investigator at the bank who was interested in knowing the information, would you tell or wouldn't you?

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Ok now that you're thinking about that... let's add some more info. Let's add that the person who is doing this is the ex-OW.

-------

So I'm not the kind of person who's vindictive or mean but I can't help but fantasize about doing these things to her. My H says that I am blaming her for something that should be completely his responsibility but I don't agree with that. I'm a nice person, I don't do this to people - but on the same hand I'm very ethical usually and will point out store/bank errors, pick up money off the street and return it to the person or a nearby place so they can return it...

To do this would upset my H because not only am I hurting the OW and I'm not being a nice person which is something that is important to him. He said that during the entire ordeal he expected me to be mean and vindictive once under my mom's influence and it surprised him when I wasn't. He also expected OW to be vindictive and mean as well whe he left but she hasn't. So in his eyes, I wouldn't be the "better" person in the sitch if I went ahead with telling.

Of course on the other hand, she's the one who did something wrong and continues to so it's not actually my fault for giving them the information in a sense. I don't know, pretty torn on the issue because of ethical/moral beliefs and emotions all mixed together.


-Calystra
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