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clove Offline OP
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My previous thread is here. WAW MLC? My sitch

I'm moving over now and I am completely lost.

She left after cheating, she couldn't bring herself to tell me. In 6 months she came back three times and confused me quite a bit. In that time she's been with myself and 5 others. She's saying now she's got a problem and she's working on it.

I can tell this is it. I know. I don't know how but I do.

The thing is I can't take it. I am way to hurt. I can't trust her and I don't know where to turn because I want this to come back together.

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Glad to hear she's back, now the real work begins. Have you and your W tried counseling? It sounds like you could use some marriage building advise. The first thing for you is to work on forgiveness. This is key, it's hard because I have to do this every single day, but in the long haul, I believe it will all be worth it.

I think for now, you need to take care of yourself. Try not to pressure and talk about your R. Try to go to counseling and work on what seems to be the core of why your W feels the need to have extramarital affairs. I also want you to be honest with yourself and decide if this is something that you can live with or not. That was a key question for me. Sometimes I think I can and other times I don't think so. For me, I take one day at a time, I forgive my H everyday and I try to remember the special times we had prior to his A and I know in my heart, that I don't want to be without my H so in order for me to be with him, I have to let go of the past and move forward. Work on today, tomorrow and our future. I can't change the past, but I can mold my future.

Take care of yourself and try to give your W a little space. She's confused as well. Try to be patient and see where your journey takes you.

Gwyn


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clove Offline OP
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Gywn,

Thank you so much. The trouble here is that I don't know if I can really honestly ever trust her again.

So much of me is done. I've been hurt so much. She's trying to make this work. She's trying very hard.

But how do I determine if she is emotionaly mature and stable now? She's got a problem and I don't want to be a part of this cycle anymore.

If I knew she could do it this would be a different story. But I don't know if she can. This more than an affair, this is complete emotional chaos that has lead her to act out in ways that to me are devastating.

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Hi Clove,

I am going through similar turmoil with my Sitch...

In my case I know I'm not ready to let her back in...even if she should suddenly turn and drop her new "BF" and come back to "US"

Mine still has major work to do on herself and it sounds like you "Ex" is the same way

However if she is willing to work on it... I wouldn't say no... but I would not let her back in all the way either... Take is slowly and be "friends" first and keep rebuilding...

That way you can lessen the pain and still keep some detachement and protect yourself.

ROK

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I know it is hard to trust them again, after my H came back I still snooped, worried, checked his cell. Then realized I was making myself sick. Just as it was a leap of faith for her to want in again, it will take a leap of faith from you to trust her again.
I totally understand, my H has also hurt me in everyway posible, and he is also trying to make this work, though unlike your W, mine isnt' trying very hard...he sort of can't, he has this new career he is trying out and it is very trying both physically and mentally, so 'us' is priority #2, so I have to wait and still be suportive without any of my needs being met.
Be glad your W is trying, give her credit for that. No one here knows for sure at what extent their S is really trying to mend the R, for all I know once my H finishes his training and I have helped him pay off all the debt he incurred while crazy in MLC he can just say "bye bye".

BUT, I will have won still, I have become a better person, I am in control of my happiness and are reverting to that confident me from years ago. My H also pretty much lost himself, did things that never in his live even dreamed he'd do, he was so critical of others before, then he totally lost his head. He is still working at finding himself, but I do know he wants to do things right and I am giving space to think things through.

Hang in there, you are not part of the problem, there are things only she can figure out, you are a separate person and take charge of your life, detach and let her come to her senses.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

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survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
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clove Offline OP
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Thanks for the feed back everybody. It seems like she has come to her senses. I just worry for how long.

I had another friend set me straight this evening. If you love her don't be a sh$# again, was essentially what she told me.

I'm also having trouble because of some comprimises she wants me to make. I'm not willing to leave the life and friends I have just made because those things built me up, and they were healthy and good.

We'll see, wish me patience and luck.

Thank you.

Oh and by the way. When all hope is lost. There's a lot to be said for simply letting go, completely detaching, getting well, being really ready do move on, then letting them know you still care.

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How are things?


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
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How are things?

Thanks for asking and thank you everyone on this board for your input. For some reason right now I'm not able to attend and input to other's threads like I have in the past, I'm not sure why. I continue to write in hopes that my sitch might help others. I've learned a lot from this community and hope that I can continue to contribute as time goes on.

I really think this is it, but some days this gets very hard.

Today was one of those difficult days. This whole thing is very difficult to "work on" when she works out of state so often. But she is the one pushing for this and that is really what's making it happen.

I was very heasitant until I had a friend straighten me out reminding me that I love her and if I do I can't just sit on the fence. So I'm in. It's hard and sometimes I don't get why those of you on this board are so supportive, because in a way I feel that the situation is crazy. But she does too, which helps. It helps to have your feelings validated if you know what I mean.

I struggle to hold onto this. When things get bad I want to let go because I don't want to deal with getting over her actions. It's a lot and I don't know how much I should really tolerate.

She is in awe of me, all the more so because I am reaching hard for forgivness within myself. She does the sweetest things you wouldn't believe, well I wouldn't. Today she sang me a song when I told her how I was feeling. Unbelievable, totally out of character, yet exactly what I needed from her.

So to answer how are things. Difficult, I'm a strong person, but not quite strong enough I suppose. This experience is rocking me, yet I also find times when I am so happy it's unbelieveable. It will take a lot of time to trust her again. Everyday I have my doubts.

I hope I can let go of what it is that is holding me back.

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Oh and by the way she's lied about and withheld a few things out of fear of upsetting me. They were minor, but lies nonetheless. I almost left, but we weathered through it until 4am one day. It's taking a while but I think we're on the right track.

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I'm back!

It's been hard to keep on the boards, I don't know why. Maybe because of all the pain I pour out here?

So an update.

We got back together and things were amazing. She was more woman than I could believe. I was amazed and I was in heaven.

Then OM contacted her and threw her off again. She was gone.

I required her to get counseling for Sex and Love Addiction.

She did, but apparently was keeping in contact with him and lying to me about it. She kept this up for a while, I had to confront her about it. I also found out she had been in contact with one of the people she had dated while we were apart and lied to me about that too.

I left and some how she got me back into it after a few days. I think I left twice.

Leaving doesn't seem to be working for me.

While at first the sex was great, now there is very little. We haven't kissed in months really...i mean real kissing. She's not affectionate.

We haven't had sex in 2 weeks.
I'm really hurt and angry about that.

She's seeing a counselor for SLA.

I tell her explicitly what I need and her response is almost nothing. She does nothing for me anymore.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's right to think she'll change. I'm really hurting with this.

I poor my heart out asking for help from her. And she doesn't help.

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