A brief recap...my husband and I have been having marital problems for 3 years. Three times now my husband has filed for divorce, twice he has moved out. The most recent episode of this was the past late spring/early summer. Beginning late summer/early fall, we began piecing our marriage back together. Within the last month, he has began staying at home full-time with the (4) kids and me. We are just waiting for his lease on his other place to run its course, but basically we are completely back together again.
I've grown CONSIDERABLY this time around. The times before, I read DR and thought I was putting it into action, but I never stuck with it. I've learned the triggers that I do to push my husband away, and I've simply stopped doing them. Our communication with each other is great at this point, our sex life has always been amazing, and basically, we are just having a terrific time together and as a family again. I feel very hopeful about our future together.
So, we are officially piecing/reconciling. The problem I'm having right now is with our families. While I'm sure my husband's family will act as if we never skipped a beat, I feel some animosity toward them. This is something I am working through on my own. They do not live nearby so we don't see them very often, and that is giving me some good time to work through my hurt feelings. My family, on the other hand, is not pleased that my husband and I are reconciling. I can completely understand their feelings; they don't like seeing me hurt (and the kids hurt) over and over again. I do not know that my family will even welcome my husband back in their home. I come from a close family who I love very much. I want them to accept my husband and trust my judgment.
lc4, I found you. I am so happy y'all are at this point and that things are going so well.
Well, I've not had to cross this bridge, so I think others may be much better qualified to advise you on the family thing. However, I am wondering if it would be helpful if you were able to get your family to drink the DB Kool-Aid. I don't think you'd have to explicity mention DB'ing. I am just wondering if you would be able to convince them about what you've done, what your H has done, and why this time it's so much different. Get them on board with what you're doing. I dunno, just my crack advise.
I am keeping you and your family in my prayers, lc4!
It never fails to warm my heart and bring a smile to my face when I see you have commented on my thread. Your words are always thoughtful and uplifting. Thank you for staying the course with me throughout this journey.
I always love your idea to DB others in our lives! With my family, and particularly my Mother, I have my work cut out for me! I can completely understand their hesitancy in accepting my H again; he has really hurt me (and the kids) in this storm. I would feel the same toward anyone who hurt one of loved ones if the roles were reversed. However, they are just going to have to trust that every decision I make is with my children's best interests at heart. The facts are in the research that is is best for everyone, especially the kids, we remain married. My H has re-committed 110%, he isn't abusive, an alcoholic or drug user, he's not a deadbeat. He is truly a supportive and involved dad, a hard worker and good provider. And, importantly, I really, truly love him with my whole heart. That I am certain of. That has to count for something, right?
Also, I think my loved ones are blind to my contribution to the problems...they just see my husband as the big, bad bully against their "perfect" daughter & sister. Again, I get that (hey, they love me!), but they have to look at the whole picture.
I really do appreciate your advice, JB, and ask that you pray for me as I now tackle this part of the reconciliation. Take care, my friend!
Marriage certainly isn't easy. Everyone tells us that. And those who choose to stay together and work it out...work it out....work it out.....REALLY get it. So many times people walk away form it. And you know....I have really come to believe that that would be easier........too much to go into here, but... it's a road less traveled to stay together and suck it up, do the hard work....and as my own H said the other day, "A worthy road." Some marriages just take a lot of work, most marriages do and so much has to be traveled together to even begin to know what depths we are willing to go to. In the end, we get to swim in the deep end. Makes me sad to think of how many never get out of the shallow end....and that's OK for them....not for us here.
I read somewhere that it may take an alcoholic 7 relapses to finally get sober...and then s/he still have to work it.
I agree...sing the praises of DB without calling it that....just use the stats etc.
Good luck!
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Hi, I just caught up on your sitch on the advice of a good friend here...wow. It gives me such hope. I am so happy for you, hoping for continued blessings!
Thank you, MZ and ROMB, for dropping by my thread with your words of advice and of support!
After responding to JB's comment above, I realized that the words I wrote were exactly what I needed to share with my family. They were gut-wrenchingly honest and from my heart. So, I did (via email). All of my family gave me their support and expressed happiness for my family and me, with the exception of my Mother. She didn't respond to the email at all. I have no doubt that she shared her feelings with my Daddy and sisters about it, though. She and I have talked by phone since I sent her the email, and while she was upbeat and happy on the phone, she still didn't mention our reconciliation. Again, I completely understand her hesitancy in accepting this. I know in her heart she wants nothing more than for her grandchildren and me to be happy. I believe in time she will come around, but it will take time. She needs to see that my husband means it this time. So, I can accept that.
Things continue to get better and better at home. We have learned how to disagree without fighting. I no longer throw ow in his face when I get upset or see her around town. We are both showing gratitude toward one another for our contributions in the family, at home and in my husband's work. We are working together as a TEAM again. We enjoy time together and with the kids. We also take our alone time and time with friends. Things are better than they have been in the past several years, if not ever in our marriage. While I can't say I'm happy we have gone through this, I can say that now we are truly coming out on the other side, our relationship is getting stronger than ever before.
I now know that DB'ing is a life-long process. You can't just do it while things are bad and then stop once you begin piecing and reconciling. It's something to practice in your marriage, relationships with family and friends and importantly, with yourself.
By the way, for anyone who hasn't seen it, "Crazy, Stupid Love" is a GREAT movie! My husband and I watched in on PPV this weekend. In addition to being a great romance movie, it is also very funny.
"Things are better than they have been in the past several years, if not ever in our marriage. While I can't say I'm happy we have gone through this, I can say that now we are truly coming out on the other side, our relationship is getting stronger than ever before."
I KNOW what you mean! .....AND....I hope my last post was clear; the point I wanted to make is that there is another "plane" or "level" you get to experience with your H after you go through something like this and decide to piece it. It is not and will not be a "complacent marriage" after this. Yes, the complacency can return if you don't keep the changes going. I don't think people who care about us can understand it unless they've been through it too.
Our society wants us to to throw in the towel after something like an A. I went to the library to find a passage in DR or DB. Not only didn't they have DR or DB, there was not one book there that was about repairing a marriage! They were all about separation and divorce and how to do it. I'm going to buy them a copy of both and donate them. I suggest others do the same.
DB is a way of thinking that few know about...really. People either wanted me to leave him or "just get over it." Neither was an option.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Our society wants us to to throw in the towel after something like an A. I went to the library to find a passage in DR or DB. Not only didn't they have DR or DB, there was not one book there that was about repairing a marriage! They were all about separation and divorce and how to do it. I'm going to buy them a copy of both and donate them. I suggest others do the same.
Our society wants us to to throw in the towel after something like an A. I went to the library to find a passage in DR or DB. Not only didn't they have DR or DB, there was not one book there that was about repairing a marriage! They were all about separation and divorce and how to do it. I'm going to buy them a copy of both and donate them. I suggest others do the same.
Wow...this is just outstanding. I am so very happy that you seem to be on a good road with your marriage. I do hope your H truly sees what a treasure you are.
About your family...IMHO, you are the one who took the biggest leap of faith in staying strong and true during all of this. You remained loyal and are now starting to reap the benefits of that loyalty. As you have been able to work through the problems, so should your family.
But...
They have also shared your heartbreaks and pain with you. They are wary and still probably suspicious. They may not embrace this with open arms right now because they need to see if the changes will stick. So the idea of DBing your family makes sense. Let them see the changes in your H, in you and in your new marriage. As you grow together, the defenses will come down.
Big Yankee hug!!!
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I am so happy y'all are at this point and that things are going so well. 