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Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2662875&page=1

(Terry Jones): I think she's dead.

Sent boundary email:

Thanks everyone!! Much love :-) Just like old times.

Girls and I held an impromptu "Matt Situation Conference." Oldest daughter was stressing, because he is calling her daily first thing in the morning. He asked her for guidance the relationship he has with youngest. Too heavy, too much, especially right now. He also telling her different stuff. He got high to watch the eclipse.

The girls and I set boundaries and sent in email-everyone contributed:

The girls and I have discussed:


1. No surprise visits. Get a therapist.

2. Callaway needs a week-break from talking to you. When you get a therapist, you can talk about the heavy, adult stuff--like how to approach a relationship with Louisa. Cal is 23, and needs to focus on paying bills, working, decorating her apartment. Get a therapist/professional help.

3. Asheville is a bubble of happy and safe for us, this will NOT be disrupted. I helped you transition to Marblehead, and you assured me OW would not follow. That's not an option for Asheville. I don't trust she won't follow you. Louisa: "Dad can move anywhere in the world, but Asheville." Get a therapist.

4. You must not use us to get better. You must stand on your own two feet like we have. As an adult. Not seeing your children for years is NOT normal. Get a therapist. Get help.

5. You are telling Cal one thing, me another. "Honesty builds relationships, stop being a p@ssy," (per Callaway). "Do some [censored] that will make you like yourself, instead of walking on eggshells trying to please us all."

Louisa: I want a DAD, I don't want emails, texts, or whatever, or gifts. I feel guilty because I know he is hurting. But, I don't want a DAD who is still smoking cigarettes and other stuff. I want a DAD free of the person he lives with. I want a DAD who has gotten help and is trying to honestly figure out why he did the terrible things he did."

Callaway: "I want a DAD, who is honestly looking at himself and what he has done. He needs to admit he can't do this alone."

Callaway: I want him to walk into a therapist's office and say, "I abandoned my family and my pets, and I need help to understand why."

We all love you in our own way. That won't change. But, you are not someone any of us would want to hang out with RIGHT NOW. Enough of the B.S. Get help, or don't. Up to you. You've missed out on years.


He sent a text: Got it. Thanks for the honesty. Hope your mom continues to improve. Take care TTYL smiley face.


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Wow, you taught your girls a valuable lesson in lovingly enforcing boundaries.

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Yep. Had a feeling he was using oldest as an emotional support. I was dead on. Her 23-year-old self will tell him it's okay to keep drinking/smoking as long as it's in moderation... exactly what he wants to hear. He was playing us against each other, telling us different versions of the truth. That's B.S.

Texted him before I sent it... You are stressing us out. I can't have that right now. We have created a treaty of boundaries.

Just hard, have this guy we all love... if only... but, I can't get caught up in the fantasy of support and help and all that. He's just too wackadoo.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I think all three of you have stated your thoughts honestly and to the point. Now, it's time to step back and see if he's going to do the work. I'm proud of all three of you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job ;-)

Felt good. I added a sidenote only from me to him: Don't talk to our daughter about your marijuana use. She doesn't need that. She needs to figure things out without your feedback like, "MJ is a gift from God." That's just gross coming from your Dad.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I read your kids messages and wow. My girls say the same thing.
they wont accept anything from my XW. If they cant have what they lost they don't want anything else. No half/part time/friend of a person.. they want a mom.

Your added message is right on. from a parent it is gross. My XW wanted the girls to show her how to twerk. lol. that's just wrong. Also if they wanted pot to get it from her. So she is a pusher now.

You are doing it right. Guiding your kids to a better understanding. Having boundaries and their own boundaries respected. They will grow and be stronger and better adults than most. Hats of to you LoisB.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Thanks for the support. It means a lot.

After, my youngest and I worries it was too harsh. So hard when they come out of the cave and show some actual human feelings. Don't want to discourage, don't want to leave us vulnerable to more hurt and insanity. He had alluded to surprising us with a move--sorta his MO since we were teens-he screws up, the. Serenades me outside my window. I just can't have that right now. Oldest felt pretty secure in carving our territory-doesn't seem too worried by it.

Haven't heard much from him-to be expected. Sad because I know how fragile he is... but bittersweet-I know he will abide by the terms. And prob won't get help.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Just want to say you ladies amaze me! Good on you for teaching your girls how to set boundaries.

Thought of you recently as Ashville came up at my work. Checked out the pictures as several people have told me it's heaven. Sure seems so!

Savor the life you have so carefully crafted.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hey Heather! It is your Birthday? If yes, then happy Birthday! I've reading all your updated, but just don't have much time and energy to post recently. I'm so happy to hear that you are doing great! And that your girls are settled down. Well... until their Dad decided to come back to their lives, LOL... or not LOL... it actually not that funny after all. At least you have some remorse from him... I'm still waiting for that from my H... yes, I think I really do need to hear that... but... not holding my breath... and life goes on.

I will try to come back and write more. I think you are doing a great job taking care of yourself and your girls!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Happy birthday!!! xoxoxoxo

Well done!!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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