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Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie Offline OP
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Ownit, devvo, roist, Brubeck,

Thanks for the co parenting advice. This is hard and tricky. I do want stbx to have a good R with the children but I also see the damage she is doing to that R even if she doesn’t. And yes, she left Team Gordie so not sure how this is supposed to work. I basically only now talk to her about the kids and money and divorce. The kids are the safest topic as we both still care about their health, welfare and education and want the same things, in theory. Lots for me to chew on and to learn on this topic. I should read some books on the topic.

In terms of the d, no word yet on whether she agrees and will sign or disagrees and will further negotiate. Yesterday, she was unusually warm and friendly, but this no longer makes me think she is wavering or raises my expectations. I think I’m getting to that stage of no longer wanting the miraculous reconciliation I’ve been seeking for months on end. She has literally made her bed with OM2 and is laying in it. It still makes no sense to me and probably never will. I am a man only a fool would leave. My job now is to take care of myself and the kids. I miss her and us and our family, but that’s gone now. It’s time to move on.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Thinking of sending the following and open to suggestions. I’m not sure how much I want to say but feel I need to say something.

***

Dear mom and dad,

I know that this has been a difficult stretch in our relationship as I have not opened up to you about stbx. We are on the verge of D. It’s not what I wanted and tried everything I could to stop it.

In hindsight, it’s clear that stbx checked out of our M some time ago. She admits that she has changed and happily is now living the life she wants to live. She has moved on to other men.

We will do our best to co parent the children. In our custody agreement, I can see them every day. The teens know what is going on but the little ones do not. I am committed to being the best single dad I can be for them.

I have not discussed this with others in our circle so ask that you do not share the news and let me do that at my own pace. In addition, please do not discuss this with the children until you see them in person.

And no, I am not in another relationship. Perhaps at some point in the future, but right now I am focused on taking care of me and the kids.

With love,

Gordie


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie - I tend to be wordy but perhaps in paragraph 3 an indication that they as grandparents will still be able to see the kids but that some of the details may still need to be worked out.

Otherwise they may be concerned that this cuts them off.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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That's a loaded one Gordie. I'm not sure I would send it at all right now, unless you are absolutely sure your Mom won't tell others.

I think if I were in your situation I would wait until the document is signed and then send the message to the parents. I think I wouldn't write it, but would sit down with them or do it over the phone.

I can only share my personal experience, which wasn't good. 't exponentially raised my stress level when I told my parents. It didn't bring support. They were devastated and suddenly I had two more people to take care of. Mom would call several times a day, ostensibly to check on me but more to ask about stbxh. It was a nightmare. I wish I'd kept it quiet a lot longer. It would have been less stressful for me.

Hope this helps. xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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job Offline
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Gordie,

This is just my opinion...I wouldn't send that note to them. I wouldn't send anything in writing at this time. If you want to meet up with them and just talk, that's fine...but do not send a note. It's too impersonal and if you think anything of them, then do it in person. You are not obligated to share everything with them...limit the info that you share with others for now.

Just my two cents.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I totally agree with Job. This isn't something you write a letter to your parents about. You sit down, you sit down and have a conversation with them. I do think it's something you can't keep from them and you should tell them. But maybe keep it to, "W and I are getting a divorce, I would appreciate it if you kept that between us and not the rest of the family for the time being" let them follow with any questions, and you can answer what you are ready to answer.

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AndrewP and Butterfly,

Thank you. I wasn’t sure about the letter at all but it helped to write it down for me to think about what I would want to say. Agree that I need to tell them they can still see the kids and that it’s better as a conversation than a letter once the dust settles. I can’t take care of their emotional distress right now and the last conversation was a disaster—more stress I just don’t need in my life right now and I told them that. Since then, they have backed off.

The other question is my FIL. I am not planning to reach out to him but I have a very strong feeling that once he finds out that he is going to call me to ask what happened. I have no interest in getting between him and his daughter. What do I say? He lives several states away so does not know what is going on. After D, I don’t think we will have much of a relationship as he is fiercely loyal to stbx as he should be. I want to do the honorable thing.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi Gordie,

In regard to your Inlaws, I wouldn’t say much. Mine have never asked me anything about it. They’ve been to my house twice, once for most of the day and they he other a half day then lunch. If they asked me anything I planned on telling them it was t my decision and it’s not what I wanted for my family. If they think about that it says a lot without saying too much.

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I also let them know w they were always welcome to see, FaceTime or call the kids when they’re with me. My x mil really appreciates that and texts me a little now every once in a while.

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