Gordie: one year after b d and still alive #10

[Gordie]

One year after b d, still alive and on my tenth thread.

Roist and Butterfly,

Thanks for the always needed reminders. Yes, this is harder when w won't really talk to me or touch me with a ten foot pole. Yes, dig deep and stick to my path. Be the man I want to be, the man only a fool would leave. Strong and resilient and present.

Yes, this process is not linear. You are reminding me of a time about six months back when she was like this for a period. I almost forgot that. I guess when she was being warmer and friendlier to me these last few months, my expectations rose.

Yes, I need to let her go when she distances. I can't control her and she damn sure doesn't want me to try and fix her, so yes, I just need to let her go. I can't sulk or be moody or have a pity party or be clingy or needy. How unattractive!

But honestly, this is hard. I feel my heart is breaking and I can't breathe and that I am a stranger in my own home and whatever hope remained is dying.

Ownit,

One thing you said has been on my mind. W has never said I'm emotionally unavailable explicitly but she has said we drifted apart emotionally, that life got in the way. When a woman says that to a man--emotionally unavailable, drifted apart, not sure if I really know what that means. If I am emotionally unavailable, then I'd like to change that, for me. I know being a good and attentive listener is a big part but what to do when w doesn't want anything to do with me at present?

Christy,

Yes, I scheduled another d b coaching session.

[Gordie]

Prior thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2744445&page=10

[OwnIt]

Gordie, everyone in a problem marriage deals with claims of emotional distance.

You do not strike me at all as an emotionally unavailable guy. The fact that you are on this site and concerned that she might think that is proof enough.

[Gordie]

Well, I sensed something was coming. W initiated a R talk last night for the first time in months. W said her desires have been changing a lot and that it seems like I've been trying to adapt but that she should communicate with me more explicitly. W loves me. I am such an awesome person. I deserve a woman who loves me in a way that she no longer does. She is now the person she wanted to be when she was a teenager. She doesn't want to have sex anymore. She wants to proceed with the d. She doesn't want to act or pretend she is married anymore. She wants the whole world to know we are d. We are soulmates. We will always be friends.

I mainly listened and was not defensive or begging and pleading or emotional. I have heard versions of these statements before. This time, there was no anger or false accusations about me except that I was dragging the d process out. She asked me how I felt. I told her I was accepting of her decision but that I also feel abandoned and rejected and sad and angry and hurt. (Other than that, everything is awesome.)

I am feeling now I need to go dark for a period of time to regroup and grieve and process my feelings. I'll be friendly when I see her but I no longer feel like doing the million little things a h does for a w. I'll of course still help with the chores that benefit the whole family while we are still living together, but starting today, I'll be focused on me and the kids.

[peacetoday]

sorry to hear
your plan sounds good

there is no way to reach them and you did good to listen and share your feelings
no judgement or blame

I don't know much about your situation but she seems like she may bounce back and forth closer and far
they would be hard to deal with and five kids

not so easy for your MLCer W to be a single teen mom with 5

wishing you the best

[job]

I think you handled the "talk" very well. Yes, she's changed and she's loving the teenage version of herself. She wants freedom and independence away from her "authority figure" you (dad). She's still bouncing off the wall and living in a fantasy world.

Your plan sounds like a good one and if she asks you to do something for her, you can always politely say, "I'm busy at the moment" and then go on about your day.

[Treasur]

I'm sorry, Gordie - this MLC stuff s**ks and you did amazingly well not to hit her with a kipper listening to the standard 'we'll be friends' blah blah 'me, me, let's talk about me' stuff. Right now, tbh, your wife is a teenage girl and a fool and nowhere near worthy of you.

You rock. I'm sorry. Grieving bit is crap but you just have to go through it. Thinking of you.

[OwnIt]

Gordie, it's just another round. Try not to think about it as anything else.

[Brubeck]

Gordie -

You sound really grounded and centered about what's going on with your W. As rough as it all is, you sound like you accept what's going on and understand what to expect of yourself.

Just wondering, when she brings up R talks or D talks - how often does she mention the kids? You've got 2 more than I do, so I know your house is a whirlwind of activity. I ask because I wonder how often the MLCer factors their children into their future plans. My W never mentions our children when discussing the R or the D or what will happen afterward. She treats our kids like plants or luggage now - they're just things that need to be taken care of.

It sounds as if what she's saying is not just aimed at you but also aimed at herself. She has to rationalize this situation for herself as well.

Did she really say this is the person she wanted to be when she was a teenager? Wow. That's incredibly revealing. That says so much about where a MLCer's mind is.

[Gordie]

Peace--she can't handle the kids on her own so our custody agreement includes time for me with the kids even on the days she has them; I will see them every day

Job--she is loving her new self...it's all fun and games, no remorse, no regard for anyone other than herself...and her POM

Treasure--thank you...yes, can't pretend I am fine...gotta grieve...I tend towards sad but today I am really angry and I almost never feel angry...how to deal with angry? how do you deal with we can be friends?

Ownit--really just another round? This seems more real and final...particularly the I want the whole world to know I am single..to me that is the I want to go have an affair in the open now...