Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

First thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2689782

Took a break from posting to read more threads from MLC survivors and to post on other current MLC threads. Only a week of quiet goes by before I have to deal with Angry Pants.

Kids went back to school yesterday. W's mom is back from Guatemala today. Her new job starts on Monday. OM just ended contact with W - said he still considers her a friend but he wanted "to be alone" until further notice (last time that lasted only 2 days). Real life must be kicking in a bit, isn't it?

Ugh. I messed up. Monster came out to spew last night and I put up some resistance. I'm kicking myself over it. I should of just let her spew and validate, but she was accusing me of creating the very schedule problems that she's dealing with now. Working on myself meant giving up the need to be right, to react to her MLC craziness with humility & compassion. So many vets assure that beneath all the venom and rage is pain and fear.

I failed last night. I stood still against the bedroom dresser and maintained eye contact (she's pale and with shark eyes). I didn't get loud, interrupt or swear. When she started to raise her voice, I backed down - but I refuted her many times. She bounced from topic to topic on everything that's happening in her life right now and how it's ALL my fault because I haven't volunteered to help her. I don't even know what she's up to in the first place! What did I do? I tried to indicate this to her...with my dumb a$$!

Because of her going dark, I don't know her upcoming schedule and how inconvenient all this is for her. She's the one that wants to go back to work so she can "find her independence" and leave me. She wants all this change! In passive-aggressive language, she wants me to drop off S3 at daycare AND pick him up. I cannot commit to that because of my schedule - and she knows it. I also don't see why I should anyway. She wants to do the single mom thing - this is the work involved. She even tossed off the idea of spending $1600 in advance to pay for child care so she can keep her paycheck all to herself (as spending money). W also knows asking her mom for any help in babysitting is a tall order. Her mom has a thyroid condition akin to having ADHD. She's hyper, unreliable, and bossy. Results may vary.

To qualify for financial aid for child care assistance, she has to declare herself as legally separated. She mentioned this option last week, very cautiously, and I said that was okay. She mentioned it again today - but it was a serious tone of voice that said I'm taking the next step in leaving you. Whatever it takes file for separation in Illinois, I don't think she's learned what to do, so I don't know why she said it.

I took her spew as legitimate because I want to communicate about our kids and co-parent even while she's in MLC and gone dark. She's accusing me of just pitching in when it's convenient. I am doing so much freaking work here! I manage our finances, help out with housework when I have time and keep the pantry / linen closet / medicine cabinet stocked because she doesn't bother shopping for the house anymore. She is gone most evenings and mentally absent when she's here. I knew as I heard this b.s. that it was close to 100% projection on her part, especially when she said I was "behaving like a spoiled child" and "being a b!tch". I gave up and said "I don't want to talk about this anymore" because I know she just wanted to spew. I said I was taking the boys to the park for an hour.

Even with me in the other room putting shoes on the boys, she's still spewing something from the MBR while sitting in bed. I waited for her to stop. I came in the room and stood at the foot of the bed. I said very calmly "I'm sorry <w's name>. I'm sorry I failed you as a husband." Without missing a beat, she mumbled as quickly as she could "that's right, you did fail me as a husband." Keeping my calm, I said "Well someday, you won't have to worry about that anymore." She said nothing and lowered her head to return to her day care paperwork.

I left with the boys to the park. She appeared in the park a little later telling me she was going for her jog and being overly communicative that she wouldn't be long. I assured her with PMA to take her time and enjoy herself.

She called me at the office this morning to argue further. She wanted to know "what you're planning to do". She wasn't specific, so I said I'm continuing to focus on spending time with my family and my friends, my new responsibilities at work and my hobbies. I don't know if the vague happiness of PMA / GALing is meant to irritate a MLCer. When she made clear she was asking what I wanted to do about our M, I said I really couldn't do anything since she doesn't want to interact with me at all, and she readily agreed that she doesn't want any contact with me. She is the one contemplating a separation or a D. So, whatever happened with us in the future was up to her. This all seemed to piss her off even more.

She went on a MLC fog rant: she's "never felt more alive before than this year" (MLC started in January). The house has been like a cage and she's been in her own little prison. She said when I asked her to marry me (December '01) that she had already given up on me and was moving on, but she just went along because getting married was the "next logical step". She has wondered this entire time (13 years) whether or not she should have married me. I made her "feel ugly" like a "worthless little troll". I have NEVER paid her a compliment. I insult every accomplishment she shares with me. I have behaved more and more miserable towards her with each passing year. I never bothered paying attention to the kids until "this year".

It's funny how when she was busy with OM that she didn't give me the time of day. Now the OM goes silent, the kids are back in school, and she starts a job next week for the first time in 11 years. Is all that stress to an MLCer? I am suddenly her focus, and figuring out what to do with our M must be decided TODAY! Maybe a burst of passion from me is what she wants, I don't know. I'm not inclined to make romantic gestures to a cheating woman whose head is full of vague dreams about how wonderful life will be without me.

I told her that keeping my distance and staying away from her was an act of love because I was respecting her wishes even if they went against my own. I told her to follow her heart, that I'm doing fine, and I will be accepting of whatever decision she makes.

[Eagle11]

She went on a MLC fog rant: she's "never felt more alive before than this year" (MLC started in January). The house has been like a cage and she's been in her own little prison. She said when I asked her to marry me (December '01) that she had already given up on me and was moving on, but she just went along because getting married was the "next logical step". She has wondered this entire time (13 years) whether or not she should have married me. I made her "feel ugly" like a "worthless little troll". I have NEVER paid her a compliment. I insult every accomplishment she shares with me. I have behaved more and more miserable towards her with each passing year. I never bothered paying attention to the kids until "this year".

Brubeck I don't have much advice to share, but when I read this paragraph it hit home. My W has basically told me the same thing only not really in an angry tone. My W has rewritten history and remembers only the bad. I think it's only to make them feel better about all the hurt they are doing to their families.

Keep your head up, we are in this together. I'm pulling for you.

[HTM]

Hi Brubeck,

Like yourself, I've heard similar sentiments from my W since late-Jan this year but in differing tones; sometimes it's heated spew, at other times it's delivered cold & Machiavellian.

Not experienced enough to offer good advice at this stage, especially as I'm living in a difficult enough situation myself, but sounds to me like you handled it well considering the circumstances; certainly better than I would have.

Maybe a burst of passion from me is what she wants, I don't know.

Rather than passion, think it's more likely an aggressive reaction she's after to further fuel her delusional thinking/behaviour.

Stay strong; hoping calmer times are ahead for you.

[HaWho]

Well, as you can see when you sit still, she is lost. The more you listen the clearer it becomes. As as you detach more and more you will really be able to see her spinning. It's her, not you! And yep, there is that massive confusion that presents in MLC.

Just listen. Don't help her make any decisions. When my h went through his "planning" phase of MLC, he would sometimes ask my opinion and I learned to turn everything back to him. He would ask what I thought about x completely crazy plan and I would reply "what do you think?" Then he would look completely confuzzled.

My favorite thing he told me was that he wanted to go and be Indiana Jones!! (Umm, he did not seem to realize that is a fictional character!) So, I asked him "you want to be an actor?!?" Ohhh, did he get soooo mad!)

Keep positive. Stay focused on you and your little ones.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

My favorite thing he told me was that he wanted to go and be Indiana Jones!! (Umm, he did not seem to realize that is a fictional character!) So, I asked him "you want to be an actor?!?" Ohhh, did he get soooo mad!)

God that was funny. BAD you BAD DBing, but holy crap that is funny. Awesomely...wrong and hilarious.

Brubeck can I assume that this is her rewriting the past? Where everything bad in her life and up until now is your fault?

For the record, just because they want to talk...and by talk I mean vomit forth ugliness, Validation doesn't mean you have to stand there and take it.

I never bothered paying attention to the kids until "this year".

Yeah they seem to to hate that. Mine was sort of right about it, I was a dad in presence...that is one of those areas that I am glad for being an LBSer for, because I realized how much better I SHOULD be in the regard.

Not everything they say is wrong btw. Perception forms their reality. There might be some truth...some...not all and that is for you to determine with what they are yelling at you for.

I am reminded of my two boys, my oldest hit my youngest, who of course got upset. My oldest said I didn't even hit him that hard. I asked him if he would like me to hit him but not that hard by my view point. He of course declined and I said your truth is different than your brothers. You don't think its a big deal, and because of that you don't think he should think it is. But he does and that's not for you to tell him how to feel.

[Brubeck]

I will try to rattle this off as quick as possible.

W starts her new job tomorrow. Part time, first one in a decade. She spent Friday and Saturday night out late with friends, and spent all daytime hours on the phone. She ignored back-to-school paperwork for the boys and ignored S8's weekend homework and ignored the paperwork from her new job for new employees. She did everything last minute Sunday night. She's nervous, running around trying to keep herself busy. She even cooked tonight, which she hasn't done since I-don't-know-when. It was even a new dish. The boys and I weren't around for dinner anyway. She took out needle & thread to sew a bra she wanted to wear tomorrow, then she decided to sew 3 or 4 more bras while standing at the kitchen counter. She was a little cranky with everybody in the house. Running around doing loads of laundry.

I never send W texts unless it's a to-do list, but I will send her a congratulatory text tomorrow about her job. "Good luck. It's gonna be fun. You will kick ass." I'm sure she will not respond.

W told her friend she saw OM Saturday night. It was a girls night drinking at someone's house and he showed up because all the girls were also grade school alumni. W said OM was friendly but kept his distance from her. They haven't seen each other or spoken in a week. She thinks the PA is over. Whatever. She asked him to take her home, and he refused at first, out of fear that I would see him drop her off, so she told him told drop her off at the corner. On the ride home she noticed he wouldn't mention his W or his MR, which he's still working on (uh huh). I wonder what woke him up, if anything. Also, I shouldn't mind-read, but just what kind of guy wants to crash a get-together of women drinking wine and eating Chex Mix? Doesn't this guy know any dudes who drink beer and watch sports?

In seeking counsel about my W's MLC, one of the many people I reached out to for an open ear (before I found DB) was an old friend. She and I were immediate best friends our freshman year of high school, but she transferred to another school after that and I didn't see her for decades. We connected on Facebook a couple of years ago. Earlier this year, I reached out to her out of sheer desperation to discuss my MLC sitch - and she responded, she listened and empathized. She reminded me - just like the rest of you DBers - that it's her, not me. I review my first thread and realize I need 2x4's for this. Everybody keeps saying it's her, not me - but I keep asking for reminders.

My friend shared her own tough time marriage stories and we also talk about parenting stuff. She's been kind enough to send me a once-a-week text just asking "Hey, are you hanging in there?" Today I went to the office for a few hours to play catch up, crazy busy. As I'm preparing to leave I get a call from my friend. She's passing my neck of the woods coming back from her boyfriend's house and wants to know if we can do a last minute play date with our kids. I get so excited, I tell her I'm leaving the office right away. I bicycle home fast, get the boys ready, and meet at the nearest McDonald's that has a Playland.

I buy dinner for the boys and set up at the largest table. She and her two kids arrive just five minutes after me. She almost throws her tray to the nearest table and runs over to hug me, screaming. We embrace for probably 10 seconds with the eyes of every parent looking at us. She notices the other parents looking and exclaims "we were best friends our first year of high school, I haven't seen him in 25 years!"

She is the 42-year old incarnation of the her I remember from 1990 - Molly Ringwald in a tank top with long purple hair and arms covered in tattoos. We've been texting & talking for about 5 months, but we have not seen each other in person in 26 years. We last saw each other at 15, and here we are reuniting at 42 with our kids in tow, all because of the internet. Sometimes the world is an alright place!

We got the kiddos settled with food and talked. It was casual. We discussed parent stuff, work politics, music, the lighter side of things. She loved my boys - everybody falls in love with S4. He's a gentle giant, a total sweetheart, everybody wants to keep him! My boys and her two kids got along great.

Here's the thing - she knew my sitch and that dealing with my W's MLC was almost a daily ordeal, but she did not ask me about it once! I don't know if this was intentional or not on her part. For the hour or so where she and I were talking in that McDonald's playland, I completely forgot that I was a LBS. I didn't realize it at the time, I only figured this out when I got home. When you're enjoying peace, that absence of stress / worry / fear - whatever it is - sometimes you're just fulfilled kicking back and taking it easy. I have to make more time for that.

We all left together, we strapped our kids in our cars, hugged each other goodbye, and cemented plans for another playdate next weekend. Somewhere on the drive home, the realization of my sitch began to creep back in. The heaviness of it, the negativity of my own perspective, the fear, the stress, the worry, the anger...all of it returned. I don't want to feel this way all the time, and yet, I return to it. This is something I must overcome somehow.

Good God, I just realized I am so sick of cooking every day. I am dying to eat an adult meal at a restaurant. This is next on my list...

[MrBond]

Going through all of your posts, I notice all you ever do is talk about your W and her issues like you're her shrink. But you really glossed over this point from your first post..."I made mistakes in our M. I've handled all our finances (paid off W's school loan & credit card debt), dealing with the bills every month made me a cheapskate when it came to fun. I didn't splurge on weekend getaways or fancy dinners. She could buy whatever she wanted for herself, but I certainly didn't take her out much"

That's what contributed to the marriage crisis. How have you changed this?

And sorry if I missed it, but did you read DB or DR all the way or did you just read about MLC?

[mirage]

The part where you talk about almost forgetting about being an LBS and the situation.

How about a little more of that and less about her.

Mirage

[ciluzen]

ok. I'm going to be the bad guy (gal) here, and so with that warning, you can take what follows how ever you want to. But your post sent little chills up my back. I'll tell you why.

I don't know if you are familiar with my situation, but your post gave me a bit of insight into what could have transpired with my own MLCer, but not the way you might think. I am actually comparing him to you and your relationship with your long lost friend, although in my H's case, it was a woman he worked with.

You see, in his depression, which I noticed but couldn't help with, he decided I didn't like him. Because of this he decided to "make himself happy despite how I felt"...and then this is where the similarities between that post and mine start. He started to turn to this "friend" because she was familiar and "safe" (married with kids). He spoke to her at work, vented about us, she validated and assured him it was me not him that was the problem. She was fun and "just a friend". It progressed to them texting and talking OFTEN. He had found someone that took his mind off of our M issues, or to validate him when he did complain. So, WE never worked on them, but he will tell you to this day how hard he tried, because he talked to HER about them. He spent more quality time with her than me, in the end. And everyone who knew us watched as it happened and talked amongst themselves. Those people called it an affair. To this day, the two of them insist they are just friends, but there was a weekend spent alone out of state together,with a $250 dinner and it was all lied about. To some extent I think my H feels guilt, but it didn't cause him to drop her. Instead he dropped me.

I know this made you feel good and took your mind off of your problems for a bit, but there is a reason the people at the playland were staring. It is considered almost normal for guys and girls to be close friends these days. But it is also still considered dangerous for two married (not to each other) people to hang out alone (kids don't count) or communicate often as close friends. The more you do this, the more the other person is insinuated into your marriage relationship. If it continues, it will progress. This is an emotional affair. Some say they are more devastating and painful than a PA to the other S because of the emotional intimacy that cannot be dismissed as just sexual attraction.

It doesn't matter if your W has an OP. It doesn't matter if your M is already in trouble. It actually makes it worse. What's good for the goose is not always good for the gander. You, I assume, came here to try to save your marriage, or at least save you. If either of those are true, thank your friend, but ask her to sit back a bit until you figure things out, ie stay or head to D. Find some guys to "drink beer and watch sports with".

That's just my 2 cents. Take, leave it, or roll it around a bit. But remember why you're here. And remember your questions and statements about your wife's OM...it could be describing you.

Hope that's not too heavy handed and assuming, but it did strike a chord with me, and maybe some others as well. We're all here to help on this journey. So sometimes our observations bring a little light to a sitch. Sometimes not.

[job]

Do you really want to post the actual names of people in your threads? I don't think it's advisable and I would be happy to remove them for you. It's up to you.