Does it matter which it is and the corresponding approach? Ive ready many books and online articles and forums. I don't want to get caught up in technicalities however, even here, Ive seen Sandi propose tougher love for the WAS while most other approaching talk distancing, DB'ing or 180.
In my situation my separated wife, who still lives at home, but leaves on weekends, has not talked of departure since BD six+ months ago. There are significant financial implications for her when she departs but i have avoided discussing them as it appears confrontational and against much of what I've read to do.
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
- sought individual counselling almost immediately - pursuit for the departing spouse only lasted maybe 2 weeks before i educated myself - deep inflection of my responsibilities in the relationship struggles. Complacency, misguided love languages, and simply just not getting it until bomb drop - I've ben applying both DB'ing and 180 principals - Only lately have i been able to develop GAL opportunities as my dad passed away 2 months ago. As well my closest friends and family were hers, and i have not sought their company - Ive been preparing myself financially for whatever outcome may be - Significant life events - passing of my mother in 09, loss of a long time job around that same time, empty nest about a year ago... i could go on
At times I feel the doormat, awaiting change or the end although I have inner peace and have become the best me i can be
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Why do you think this is MLC? Where are you in the D process?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
through the change in life events (death in family, empty nest, she doesn't want the responsibility to arrange family gathering - which we did through the weekend, she has parted ways with her closest friends - two of which went through divorce, she wants freedom, change in appearance - weight loss, more revealing clothing, hasn't actually left, desire to quit her job, general detachment from family, discontent with aging, has new party friends, bouts of depression, some signs of behaviour change, has stated she thought to herself that she may have MLC but dismisses it, said she doesn't care what family or friends think...). While unconfirmed an affair is probable as she stays out on weekends
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
as for where we are at, I stand alone DB'ing and 180'ing, we live in the same home but we only see each other in passing (dinner and a few other small chunks of time). Anger from her diminished months ago but her stance has not been communicated as changed. She did say at Christmas she had thought of another chance, but it never went further than that
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
i have not initiated relationship talk and she has neither. Although hard to believe were not married, but common law - therefore there is no formal filing etc for divorce
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
darn typos - in my earlier post it should have read that she no longer wants to be responsible for family gatherings, which was always the case, and nearly every weekend in the summer months and occasionally in the winter
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
i should also mention that she has gone from about 140lbs to around 110. One friend also told her about a year ago that she never used to be so materialistic. The weight loss only occurred after bomb dropped and she has mentioned its largely due to stress, although she has always been weight conscious. She also would talk in absolutes... you never, its always been this way, which is simply untrue, but i don't argue as i learned it was a pointless argument and as such haven't been drawn into an argument in months
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
How has she she adjusted to the empty nest? Was she a SAHM? What do you think she does when she goes away for the weekend? With whom does she stay?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
