I realize there were some replies on the old thread ... I have been a bit busy over the weekend and there has been some 'action' that I need to get out .... I also realize I am long winded but I think its mostly me trying to purge the chit out and get it off my chest so I can continue to focus and grow on a personal level.
So Thursday night I lost my phone ... 3rd one in 4 months. W had jumped back on my plan to save money ... changed the passwords and user name ( so I would not snoop I suspect ) .... so after a very frustrating day I finally got a new one, first she could not recall the passwords ... then I could not make the purchase due to the outstanding balance .. looks like she had not paid the bill in 2-3 months ... just a very frustrating day.
So everything went well over the weekend .. I was busy .. but felt I accomplished some stuff ... W was a bit chatty about S Sat morning ... I stayed focused and was dim for the most part, avoiding the Holiday Gloom.
Now the 'event' ... so I TM W Sunday morning and let her know I was going to mass, would pick up S arounf 10:30 or so .. she told me she was still sick ... I swung by and grabbed her some soup .. no expectations .. just felt it was a nice thing to do .. thats it. Took S to the movies .. he too is sick with whatever bug they have. W TM during the movie asking how S was ... then called as we were leaving. Asked me to talk where S would not hear .. so I gave S the ipad and let him play in the car as her and I talked about his Christmas list ... THEN she tells me .. "I want to tell you something that is going to make you mad but I do not want S to be the one telling you.
So Saturday night she had OM and his 2 kids over as they all put together a ginger bread house .... yeah .. gut punch. I took that part 'ok' ... then she explains that as they left OM gave her a kiss goodbye and S seen it. Here is where I spun and backslid a bit .. I mean its one thing to be selfish .. have your affiar ... ruin our family .. but now you expose our S to the whole thing .... yes it upsets me .. and I am no where near detached enough for that not to pull at my strings .. not sure I would ever get there whne my S is exposed to this. So all day/night and this mornign has been a spew rainstorm from W ... back to all this being my fault, re-written history, all my issues ... I admittedly threw some truth darts her way ... along with a good bucket of guilt ... she threatens the D ... but I know she can not afford this so I just deflect knowing I have more time to wait this out ... I told her divorcing me does not remove the scarlet letter ... yeah .. all the MLC's not to do's ... judgement, guilt, pressure .. I applied em a bit. I do not feel any better but there is a point I was not going to be bashed and made out like this is all my fault.
So ... major setback ... however ... last night as I went to bed I realzed ... this event would have had me up all night but I reminded myself I gave it all to God ... I actually slept well. She made this mess, I can not help her ... but sadly I can not protect my son from OM and W's affair ... we all get to suffer for her actions ... I am not sure what lesson I am to learn from all this ... so I sit quietly on this rock and await an answer of what I am to do.
I was thinking maybe a Christmas miracle ... not exactly what I had in mind. But if anything ... its not stagnant .. W did express she was very upset S seen what he seen .... however I think that guilt will soon blow over to this entitlement she feels she deserves. I am not happy at the moment .. but this too will pass.
So Saturday night she had OM and his 2 kids over as they all put together a ginger bread house .... yeah .. gut punch. I took that part 'ok' ... then she explains that as they left OM gave her a kiss goodbye and S seen it. Here is where I spun and backslid a bit .. I mean its one thing to be selfish .. have your affiar ... ruin our family .. but now you expose our S to the whole thing .... yes it upsets me .. and I am no where near detached enough for that not to pull at my strings .. not sure I would ever get there whne my S is exposed to this. So all day/night and this mornign has been a spew rainstorm from W ... back to all this being my fault, re-written history, all my issues ... I admittedly threw some truth darts her way ... along with a good bucket of guilt ... she threatens the D ... but I know she can not afford this so I just deflect knowing I have more time to wait this out ... I told her divorcing me does not remove the scarlet letter ... yeah .. all the MLC's not to do's ... judgement, guilt, pressure .. I applied em a bit. I do not feel any better but there is a point I was not going to be bashed and made out like this is all my fault.
Well, you certainly allowed her to make you the old Cali...
So, what good did the "truth darts" do ??
Help you feel better ?
Help your Son understand it better ?
Cali, please understand that there comes a time, when you have to allow them to "own" their actions....
Let them carry all of their own luggage through life. And also, please understand that all you have done here, is allow her to hand you all of that luggage , once again, to carry for her...
Now, instead of her actions causing her to feel all guilty and stuff, she can redirect her anger towards you.
Is that what you want ??
Her truth is VERY different from your truth about the past.
What she feels is very different from what you feel..
Are you wrong with what you feel and think ???
Could I convince you that you are ???
Cause that is what you are trying to do with her every time that you argue emotions and feelings...
Moving forward ? Yea, just stop...
Originally Posted By: Cali
I was thinking maybe a Christmas miracle ... not exactly what I had in mind. But if anything ... its not stagnant .. W did express she was very upset S seen what he seen .... however I think that guilt will soon blow over to this entitlement she feels she deserves. I am not happy at the moment .. but this too will pass.
Nope....no miracles happening this year...
Although I will say this...
What YOU do this year, will pay dividends, next year...
You are right and this possibly might be the straw for me to let her go and do her thing .. there is no quick fix in this ... I am disappointed in all the work I have done up to this point was tossed out in a matter of 30 minutes.
She does not love me, does not want our family, and nothing I can do will change that at this point. I fear rope drop time is long over due ... focus on me and what I can control .. the primal "protect" my son string I did not see coming and was not prepared for ... am I surprised of all this .. no. Just tired of the lies and deception.
Admit I backslid .. and pick myself up and start again. Like the saying goes ... fall down 7 times get up 8.
You are right and this possibly might be the straw for me to let her go and do her thing .. there is no quick fix in this ...
No, it won't be....
You will want it to be, and you will say that it is, yet you will dust yourself off, and get back on the horse for another ride...
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I am disappointed in all the work I have done up to this point was tossed out in a matter of 30 minutes.
Hardly....
It was an emotional based spew, one that she probably won't remember in a few days....
Nothing is hinged on a single conversation or event....
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
She does not love me, does not want our family, and nothing I can do will change that at this point. I fear rope drop time is long over due ... focus on me and what I can control .. the primal "protect" my son string I did not see coming and was not prepared for ... am I surprised of all this .. no. Just tired of the lies and deception.
Today....
She feels that way today, or hell, maybe she doesn't, who the hell knows...
So stop playing the victim card here with this.
The lies and deception only affect you, as long as you allow them to.
Is she lying about your Son ??
Then kick it to the curb, and worry about more important things....
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Admit I backslid .. and pick myself up and start again. Like the saying goes ... fall down 7 times get up 8.
Thank you Mach for reeling me in and putting things into perspective. You are spot on .. most likely this will be forgotten just as the last itme .. and time before that.
It was a rather emotional spew from her .. its been awhile since she has done this, I did listen, validate .. even tried to clear some mis-conceptions up knowing I was fighting a futile battle I decided to let it go knowing at that point anything I said would fall on deaf ears or make matters worse.
I think if anything I have the biggest problem with the push/pull dance .. and I have sadly let all my cards out on the table .. I want the M, want the W want the family and she knows it ... so there is no reason for her to look inward .. she gets the OM and all he provides and can still have me and what I provide on the side. So ... tis the season I need to pull out and let her swim alone. Her choice not mine .. time for me to make my own waves regardless if she drowns or not.
So yeah as far as S7 Christmas ... W seems to be buying her way out of guilt ... I am not doing this .. I feel bad for the kid but its not my choice and out of my hands ... Quality time is more what I have been about with him .. not stuffing his room with toys and superficial junk. I was thinking about taking him to this nice little spot but decided not to as it was always W and I's place to go ... part of me still wants to go, because it is fun .. a rare spot for ice skating out here ... still thinking about that one. I only have him Christmas Day ... so we will do the gifts that morning and I figure a nice dinner out somewhere/ or maybe I cook us a couple thick steaks and we watch a movie. ... just enjoy the time together.
Took a little spin on the ride, I see. Bit dizzy I would imagine.
I get that it hurt about the om and the kiss and whatever the heck else.
So, I am not gonna to beat a dead horse here. I see you and my bud, Mach, went round some.
She is going to keep giving you tickets for that ride as long as you continue to reach the height requirements.
I say...get the heck off of it. Let her keep her tickets and her foolishness.
I am sorry your son may have been hurt, though, I am not sure he really understands what is going on.
But, yea, you cant shield him from her stupidness, unfortunately.
What you can do is continue to model how a man is supposed to act. What you can do is show him how to act with dignity and strength. Those things matter, Luke. They matter a great deal.
She is doing what she is doing. Her choices. Her consequences. Im thinking that its time for you to take care of Luke and your boy.
Yes, it was a nice thing to do to go and get her soup. But, um, she needs to figure out how to take care of herself, ya know? No more Luke coming in for the rescue.
Natural consequences for her..leave her to them.
Dont pick up her bricks..worry about your own.
So, back on your path you go. Dont keep letting her knock you off of it.
