Learning to detach

[Whiterose]

Thread one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2368775#Post2368775

Thread two:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2377072&page=1

Thread three:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2383250&page=1

Hi Everyone
It's been a while.....I've been working and trying to focus on my financials (they're in!), getting my mortgage, my boys, friends, GALing.....it's been busy. I've been stopping in once in a while to see how everyone is and hope you're all doing well.

I've been finding myself more and more resigned to the fact H is not coming home and that MAYBE I don't want him to. It's almost 6 months since he moved out and I haven't died and things are chugging along. I miss him but more who he was and not who had become in the last few years. We were so young when we got together, only my second boyfriend, I find myself wondering if there maybe is a better match for me and that this could be a gift and not a disaster. These are the kind of thoughts I'm having. I'm conflicted with them. I want my marriage but I don't.....does that make sense??

Some of the interactions in the last couple of weeks
Two weeks ago, Monday am, I get a text
H "We need to talk and sort a few things about my belongings and furniture in the house"
M "I'm not available this week" (really I wasn't.....15 hour days all week-it was crazy!)
H "OK so when is a good time for you?"
M"I'll let you know"
H "There are things we need to sort out sooner than later. You cannot continue to ignore the situation"
M "Dont take my response time as an indication of my intent. Seeing as you are absent, to comment on my time is beyond your scope. When I have time to deal with your needs I will contact you"

No response. He did pick up the boys for pizza the next night and I did have another box of his stuff ready to go. Stayed up until 12 to pack it for him. S14 commented on H's lack of funds saying if you still had the Honda instead of the truck you'd have more money till the end of the month. H responded NO the truck is more fun. S14 responded with money is fun too (I was shocked when S14 told me...I even confirmed the story with S18)


My grandmother passed away that wednesday and H did send me a text offering his condolences and I did thank him.

This past Tuesday H asked about picking up his tools. I said that the tools were communal property and that he had taken quite a few already and I needed some to maintain the house that we would need to split them. He got angry saying he was going to leave the house stuff and take the tools only but if I wanted to start splitting everything that was fine. I told him there was no need to get defensive I simply need tools for the house and we should have a tool splitting day. He said how many tools do I need to hang pictures. I didn't respond and then he said he'd put together a box of basic tools for me to which I said "sounds great"

This past wednesday I got a letter in the mail saying the school cheque, S14, bounced. I burst into tears. He's so crazy with the money. I ended up actually phoning him and having a 40 min "discussion" about EVERYTHING (he was all over the place) he kept saying he had no money...I responded that that was too bad but our kids come first and that he needs to find ways to fix it even if that means going to the school and making arrangements that S14 is just as much of his child as mine. He kept saying I'm stalling on the house/divorce to which I responded our children's home is not his lottery win and that seeing as I have never once commented on his time (I don't call you and say you only go to work and do whatever you want you go to the school meeting) he was not in a position to comment on my time seeing as I am the one home doing EVERYTHING. He accused me of being a victim and that nothing has changed for me (that statement caught me off guard.....I think he was secretly hoping to see me fail or crumble or something) anyway I said of course it hasn't I'm the one here with the kids, you left, the kids need as much normalcy as possible and since I'm the one here I am giving it to them. Couple of times I told him I would not block the divorce. Even went so far as to say "you want a divorce no problem. best decision ever. as long as the boys are top priority" He then brought up me asking if he had a girlfriend (in JUNE!) to his sister accusing me interrogating S14 to which I said this is what happened and repeated the scene. I then said "if you have a girlfriend-great" he interrupted saying he doesn't and got very defensive and I asked if I could finish "if you have a girlfriend-great. you don't have a girlfriend-great. as long as your first concern is the boys" He kept talking about getting an apartment because the boys need a second home. I said they have a home they need a dad who spends time with them. I told him I was happy for him, when he mentioned he was getting a place, and that I hoped he was happy. I also had to remind him he didn't have to love me, like me or ever want to see me but that I was the mother of his children and currently the only person taking care of them and he need to respect that and a "thanks for being their mom" was in order. He did ask me point blank about my intentions and I said I would not stop anything. If he wanted a divorce I would give him one but that these things take time. I also did manage to convey his boys were angry with him and that S14 was in a state of crisis and needed him. I must have gotten through as he made plans with him Thursday. I did tell S14 to tell his dad he wasn't feeling well so he'd call him the next day. H called at 9am to ask if S14 was home. I said I had sent him to school and he could more than likely go but we'd know more after school. H said he wasn't feeling well either and if S couldn't go it was ok and he didn't have money. I said go to the school and throw the ball with the dog! He then said he could always see him Sunday or Monday but he had a funeral on Saturday. I asked who, a man he used to work with.....died alone in his apartment of a heart attack no one knew for 2 days.....I said that was awful and he seemed to brush it off. Basically, a very normal conversation and then I said I was getting rid of H's dresser in our room did he want it? He said he didn't think he did (during our conversation the day before he had no furniture but ok) and then quickly got off the phone. I think I touched nerve.
H called at 2 to ask if S14 was home I said no school's not out until 2:40 and he would not be home until between 3-3:30 (like I had said in the conversation earlier in the day!)
I left for a delivery and to S14 to call me once he knew what he was doing with his dad. H called, I missed the call, so he texted me the "plan" to share a pizza have him home by 6. I told him I was cooking dinner so if S14 was still hungry not too worry about feeding him full dinner and then told him to have a good night. Hour later another phone call from H asking if S14 could go to the amusement park Sunday, as he has plans with his cousins Saturday, I said it shouldn't be a problem and we kept it short and hung up.

WOW I think I wrote this as journaling as well as venting. 4 phone calls in one day! It's quiet today but that's good......peace is good.

[Whiterose]

OH I should add that he commented, during the phone conversation, that he knew I was "talking" to people.....I asked what he was talking about. He said the way I talk to which I replied "you're right I do talk and act differently. I told you when you first left I was going to therapy and reading self-help books and I've learned a new way to talk and act and try to stay as calm and neutral as possible at all times. This is not new information"

I guess he is noticing the changes:)

[job]

WR,
I'm glad you returned to post an update. How are you doing? You sound like you've had some hellish days w/work, concern for your sons and yes, your nutty buddy h.

I'm glad to read that you finally completed your financials and working on your mortgage situation. Each time something has been completed or nearly done, it's one more thing off the checklist and off your worry list.

How are the boys doing? I know your S14 must be having a difficult time trying to understand and deal w/his father. It always appear that the mlcer chooses one to buddy up to and the other child is left as an outside. I'm so sorry for this.

I think you have done beautifully w/stating what was on your mind and you told your h just how you felt. For someone who has no money, just how does he plan to get an apartment? They generally want first and last month's rent and a security deposit. How does he propose to furnish the place. Sounds to me like he's crying "poor me the victim in all of this". He better take whatever furniture you are willing to give him.

Make sure your toolbox has: flat head screwdrivers, Phillips screwdrivers, pliers and some wrenches. You may also want to have some "hex" keys and a hand saw. These tools will get you through in a pinch and not just for hanging pictures. I think it's a great idea to have a split the tool day.

Your h is all over the place and it's funny how defensive he was about you asking questions about a girlfriend. He sure protests a lot about that one...kind of reminds me of my conversation w/the xh. If there is one, she may be in the wings and he'll not reveal her presence unless he actually gets caught. My xh denied his ow existence for over 7 years and only then when I said something and he slipped up. By that time, he had been married to her for 3 years. Got to love that old river called "Denial".

Whatever you do, stick to your boundaries and do not waiver. He now is very much aware that you've had enough and will not stand in his way. Let's see just how far Mr. Nutty Buddy goes in getting things done for the divorce he's screaming for.

I do hope that you and your sons will have a nice weekend. Try to get some rest and do something that you enjoy, even if it's just for an hour...do it.

[Whiterose]

Hi Snodderly,

I'm OK. Exhausted but alive:) hope you're well!

It's exciting, stressful, and sad that we're moving forward.....but, you're right, it has to get done and I'm the one having to do it.

The boys run hot and cold with their dad. S18 is like a ping pong match with wanting to see/talk to dad and wanting to hide H's tools so he can't take them. lol H mentioned, he was SO PROUD of himself, that he even tried helping S18 fix the dishwasher by getting him to take a photo of the problem and offering solutions and S18 never told him how it went. I responded "Well, have you considered they're angry with you?" H said all S14 wants to talk about is video games. I said "it's his defence mechanism and even with me he'll say something only every once in a while....it takes time"

It's funny that you say he's crying "poor me the victim" he accused me of playing the victim (during our 40 minute conversation) where I told him I'm no victim but am the one doing all the work which is a statement of fact and nothing more. I honestly think he secretly prayed that I would fall apart and he could prove to himself he was somehow the glue that kept the house going......well, it didn't, as he figured out with his "nothing has changed for you" statement. I find myself saying what I need to say without getting angry or crazy but not taking any crap either. It's freeing.

He's not into a "split the tool day" as he's willing to give up furniture to get his tools. I'm the oldest daughter of a carpenter that never had sons, I know more than most men about tools, so he knows there's no way he's getting away with anything. I actually hid my dad's framing hammer, he gave it to H years ago, but if he thinks he's taking my dad's $150 hammer he's on crack! LOL

Someone should get H a paddle for the river......He doth protest too much me thinks. Although, I don't truly believe there is another woman at this point, it's just a VERY touchy subject for him with his own family's past.

Thank you for your weekend wishes. I'm going dancing with the girls Saturday night (I LOVE TO DANCE!!) and H is at a funeral for a man he used to work with.

You have a wonderful weekend too!!

[job]

WR,
Your h is so out of tune w/what is going on in his family's life. What your S14 is interested in is video games. I can remember when my nephew was that age and he was playing them all of his free time. It's the age and your h needs to get w/it or he's not going to have anything to talk to his son about.

As for y our S18, I can understand the ping pong ball effect. He wants his dads attention and affirmation and yet, he wants to hide the tools because he's angry w/his father. It's a difficult time for him. Your son is at that age where he's crossing over into manhood and wants to protect his family and do the right thing, but doesn't want to lose touch w/his father. He'll sort it out in time.

The way you handled the conversation was perfect. You stated the facts and stood your ground w/no anger in your tone. BTW, I don't blame you for hiding the framing hammer. I would be looking around to see what else you might need to squirrel away for the time being.

Enjoy dancing your cares away this evening.

[Whiterose]

You know what's funny Snodderly....H actually had tendinitis in his thumbs from playing video games!!! how does he just not get it?!?!?

One of the "discussions" we had during our phone call was about S14 sleeping over and if I would get mad or block it. I'm thinking to myself-sure, what are you guys going to even do together?!?!?! But, I reminded him that I had never denied him access to the boys but I would need to know where they were. He was all for it for about three seconds and then started in on me that unless he left the country with them I didn't have to know......I GOT MAD but in a calm way. I said when the boys are with me I can answer with one word answers as to their whereabouts and he would know exactly where they were and that as their mother why was I not afforded the same courtesy. I said just because something was lawful it was not right.....he didn't have much to say.

HAHAHA funny you say that about hiding tools......I found a small wrench S18 had used on the dishwasher and reminded him to put it away and he commented "it's dad's and shrugged his shoulders and put it in his pocket" I didn't say anything.

I'm excited to be dancing--I really need a night out with the girls and just gonna shake my troubles away

hope you're having a great Saturday:)

[Whiterose]

Went out dancing with the girls last night. Had a few men dance with me, nothing more, but it made me feel like a woman again......more than a wife and mother. My girlfriend took some fun shots of us and posted them in FB. He's her friend so he'll see them and, if I can say it, I looked pretty good:)

It was a lot of fun and now back into the work week. I'll probably hear from my lawyer again too. Let reality hit me softly this week

[Ab Fab]

We can all do with a little fun in our lives...

Sounds like you had a great time - good for you, and if he sees your pic so much the better, but remember, this was for you. Don't leave it too long before you do it again. Go girl...

[Whiterose]

Hi Aa

Thank you for posting.

Yes, I think we all deserve some fun. I definitively did it for me and it worked - I had a blast.

I'll need to recover before I go again. Late night and I'm certainly no longer 19. Lol

[Whiterose]

Question for you guys.S14 and I were eating dinner and I asked if he'd talked to his dad recently. "No, not really". I asked why and he said didn't really want to. I asked if he wanted to tell me why or talk about it. He said not really and I didn't push.

I had noticed that H messaged him a couple of days in a row, no response, and called his cell this AM but he had left it home. (Called him at 8:35.....ummm, he's at school at that time!!).

S14 met with a school counsellor Tuesday (he came home and said she wanted him to tell me something he had told her..,.,I love you and know that if I'm with you I'm going to be ok.....made me cry)

Anyway, question, if H messages me to ask about S14 not responding do I say he's upset right now or do I say I don't know???

I did mention to S-14 that H plans on taking them Thanksgiving Monday for dinner with his side (my family celebrates on the Sunday and he was more concerned about what day we would be doing it) but that if he does or does not want to go both are fine. He said ok.