Hi- have lived with "mate" for 34 years. Last July I found out he's having affair for sure. 1 yr before that I suspected something up, he denied affair or love with someone else. I still believed him. (and in him). after reading Divorce Buster book last sept., which describes him to a "t" in MLC, I thought I would try to "ride it out". I can't "turn off" 34 years of love so fast- I hate to let it all go without a "fight". What we had worth it - he thinks he wants to live & die alone. He tells me not to rent a U-haul and move myself out of his life. I am so miserable and screwed up- tho lots better than a year ago. (then figured i'd just sink into ground & die any minute).
Hi- I'm a newbie here also, but I just thought to drop a line to letting you know I read your topic.
I too found out a yr ago about A and have been dealing with MLC for probably 3yrs now.
Like you I am better than a yr ago and yes misery was my best friend. If you read and reread some of the stories here you can learn to focus on yourself.
It's not easy. Nothing about this is easy. But, love yourself and show it... it's what I do. I bought new clothes, new perfume, told the dog all my secrets, eat better, and watch lots of movies with happy endings.
H has seen these changes in me and commented. Yea, his comment is "see you can go get a life with out me" but, as the waves of emotion emerge H shows interest.
He tells you not to move out...yea that might be cake eating but does it keep your sanity at bay? If so, do what works for you!
Like you I wanna fight and fight, the difference is I do it by doing things for me. Find your you again and fight for her...they do notice.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hey, thanks so much for taking a minute to speak to me. i was wondering if i in fact posted anything.
i'm trying hard to do better with the take care of me thing. began dying my hair- dress better- finding it hard to want to go anywhere and find some new life- have been visiting friends more and getting out waay more- it's wierd becasue he's not here alot. I hope he can tell i am living differently and being differently. i know he's jacking me around- i have no idea what is in his heart. (i have no idea if he still has one either). I am amazed at how many women go thru this - it's soo sad. if i ever thought one thing- it was that whatever else he was, he was honest. what a dope i am.
anyway- i hope you're rite and he notices (something) . I know i can have a life without him- i just know also i prefer not living alone and i am best when i'm thinking i'm in love and loved. i know - jerky isn't it? oh well- i don't tell him that stuff. i'm doing best to be cool and aloof- so would you say under no circumstance should i even think of trying to initiate intimacy? i swear i think it's his fear of failure there (sex) that is a major obstacle to his brain functioning normally. i'm not kidding- maybe i shouldn't be reading sex starved marriage - when i'm battling away at mlc.?
anyway- thanks for sharing- it sure helps to not feel all alone with this junk
Hi Nero. Welcome. Sorry to see you here, but welcome just the same.
Dawnmarie is right - be the person who treats themselves as they would treat a dear friend. You are always with you
Whatever you do, don't be miserable. This is an opportunity believe it or not. Not one that you asked for, but an opportunity just the same. Being in limbo can take a lot out of you. Take care of yourself as this is a long long battle.
Cadet will be along with some reading. I suggest you read and try to understand this is not about you and that you need to take care of yourself as best you can.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
i forgot to say it's got to be good that he notices your changes - no? i'm sorry to hear he's so negative- what i've got is just non-communicative. it stinks so much- like can't even be bothered to comment. i'm hoping my sanity is okay- so far i haven't blown up or died - so i'm thinking i'll be okay (in the end). fingers crossed. half the time i feel nutty- can't figure who to listen to: gut, heart, brain. so far gut has it- some days i can't face thinkng of years of this- sure been most awful two years of my life-
i'd like more to hide than dress up and go out- workng on that.
he thinks he wants to live & die alone. He tells me not to rent a U-haul and move myself out of his life.
Cadet should be along to post his usual "welcome: read this stuff" post. Definitely read up on MLC and become aware of the script.
What I quoted above from you, my W also told me she was happy to just live and die alone (a paraphrase, but that exact meaning). And if you meant the bit about your H saying you do not need to move, my W also said that. After I found out about her A. She figured we would just keep living together.
Your H will say a lot of things and we all hear this stuff. Try not to take it personally.
Best of luck and keep yourself as positive through this as well as your sense of humour. Get out and do things for yourself, even if it is difficult at first.
The MLCer thinks they will find their happiness in the next pasture, around the corner, in a new toy, or a new person.
What you need to and will come to know, is we create our own happiness... from within us...
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I accidentally shot myself out of post. I bought sex starved marriage (it's been 2 years). I am doing pretty well NOT talking about "it" as Divorce busting says with regard to MLC - am trying to be old self & independent, etc.
He had problem with ed back somewhere in time and said then he was ok with it . now on top of mlc and affair - i think he's afraid to even try with me. (if he wanted to - i'm not sure anymore)
He Is having an affair with old secretary from 25 years ago- they stayed "friends" (cripes!) - she's roamed in and out of town forever- my new suspicions about the last 35 years aside- i cannot figure how to handle all this- do i attempt to be affectionate or touch - or is that something to stay away from in lite of mlc "stay cool & ride it out" advice?
He spends more time in FL and me in NJ - my old mom here & we have house together here. He has house in fl where we lived for 20+ yrs before this 2nd place. I'm sorry to be long- i'm in such a mess & need some insight quite badly- trying to lay low - save $ - prepare a resume as may need to go to work- just "wait and see" with him leading way- I could forgive i think- i know i'm not perfect and both of us should have spoken up sooner about things bugging us - he thinks he doesn't love me, but "cares a great deal". honestly- i think if we could ever reconnect and have sex - alot could be accomplished if he could just see he can function with me- i think it was his guilt that was (is?) messing him up with me- but don't want to chase him or be aggressor. does this make sense to you? any advice whether to tentatively try touching or stay right away til get a clear & giant message? thanks so much- nero (i'm a woman who thinks maybe she's "fiddling while rome is burning?"
This was posted on the other thread.
Use this thread I think, you are getting the most responses here.
