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It's that time again.....
Here's the first two: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2220117&page=1


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2247590&page=1


So last night got even more interesting. I made sure I was in "my" room with the doors shut when H got home, which was around 8:30. He came and knocked on the door. He told me he looked at the tires and yes the front ones need replaced (duh!). He said about calling the local place, which is what I was going to do. I said I will, they are open 8-5, I will call at work tomorrow. He went on to start to say something about the tire size, I interrupted and rattled off the exact size of the tires (I am quite capable of reading the tire), he just looked at me. I told him I appreciated him looking at the tires, and didn't mean to inconvenience him. Then he said something that didn't make much sense (shocking I know). In the same breath he says, well, good you need to learn how to take care of this stuff because there's going to come a time real soon I'm not here to help. Then he goes on to say, I guess I'm saying you should use the resources you have access to, while you have them. I really was just too stunned to say anything, so I just turned back to the tv (gotta love Big Bang Theory!). He left and a few minutes later I hear another knock at my door (OMG, right?). So he comes in and I make him wait 30 seconds because I was in the middle of a game of Scramble on my phone LOL. He starts with his usual, I don't want to start a fight, and I know you don't want to talk about this stuff on a work night, but I wanted to know if anything has changed. I told you I wanted to have a plan in 90 days, and it's been 90 days. (Well no, no he didn't he said I "had to have a plan by July 1" not the same thing). I was thinking, really, he actually remembers that??? A friend reminded me later he remembered because it was convenient to him. I was proud of me, I said, nothing has changed for me, but like I said I really do NOT want to talk about this on a work night, I hope that is ok with you, but I don't want to talk about it now. He looked slightly irritated and said you don't want to talk about it on a work night and I don't want to talk about it on the weekend. LOL so, what, did he think I was going to change my boundary because the world revolves around him??? And BTW go me, for setting a boundary and sticking to it in the first place, 180! Also I was just kinda like whatever, I think he wanted me to get mad and cry, but I didn't. He knows where the door is, good luck leaving, plus he doesn't realize he will be paying more with rent and utilities then he does in paying just the mortgage here..... but I'm sure mommy is still pulling the puppet strings and she has no idea how this nice girl isn't going to roll over. I love H, but I'm not getting financially screwed. He brought this on himself, so he will have to deal with whatever happens.

After I talked to H last night, I was texting a dear friend, and then she called me. She's like wanna do a 180 go get some boxes and give them to him, then tell him you will help him pack. I said I could do that if he brings up leaving again, but I want to stick to the boundary I have set, so he doesn't think he got his way, because quite frankly I'm sick of him getting his way and acting like he's 16. She said good point. I said I have no problem telling him to leave if he's not happy, by all means do so, I don't want to be the one to stand in the way of his happiness. However, have fun remaining married for 2 years because I still don't want a divorce, it's his divorce and I won't help him with it.

My friend thinks he just got pissed because he wanted me to need him more for the tire thing, but wanted to be mad at me for needing him because he's dodging responsibility. Then it upset him to see I didn't get upset when he threw it out there that he's still leaving. I think she is right. Thoughts anyone?

Snodderly~
I googled the tires, they are fine, but thank you for the tip, I wouldn't have thought of that! Yep the toys keep coming, I don't think the car is coming, at least right now, he just put a few new decals on the back of the vehicle he has now, I wouldn't think one would do that if they were getting rid of the vehicle, but what do I know, he's insane.

T~
lmao..... I probably shouldn't laugh, but really, how does one spend that much at a thrift store??? Did she buy the ENTIRE store?

kml~We do have a Costco around here. I am just going to take it to a local place, they are excellent and always treat you right, no matter who you are. It's where I went last winter when I drove over the well cap. LOL They didn't charge me to check out the car and put more air in the tires. They are good people. smile

Wendy~ It's funny you should mention the "being happy in a way I had forgotten I used to be." A friend and I were talking about that the other day pertaining to me. I can do what I want and don't have to worry about taking care of H, or his schedule... my friend was funny, she said I know he's your H and all, but I always thought you never did a lot of things you really wanted too because you were too worried about how it would affect him. An interesting observation. She said she never said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Who knows how this will end up, but I know, no matter what, he's not the center of the universe, and he will need to realize that too if he would ever get his head out of his ass. The other thing I know for a fact is, he's not getting the best of both worlds, if he does in fact leave and screw up our marriage beyond repair, I will NOT be his friend outside of our marriage. I can't do that, it would be way to painful for me, and it's time I start thinking about me for a change.

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hrm,
When they set their minds to the date of leaving and/or separation, they don't forget them.

At least he looked at the tires for you. But, I'm sure he was suprised to hear that you knew the tire size.

I think you are very wise in not getting packing boxes for him at this time. You don't want to rush him out the door until you are ready!

He just crazy like all the rest of them! LOL!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I forgot to add.... I find it interesting when HIS car needed tires he was asking me for money. Now that my car needs tires there has been no offer. Guess we can't take money away from replay purchases.

Snodderly I have decided he is absolutely insane. I guess it runs in his family. There is no other explanation. He's lost his mind. It's sad I miss the man I married. But I don't know where he is. This body snatched shows no signs of facing issues or even acknowledging the presence of issues. How very unfortunate...

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It will catch up, sooner or later, hrm...I believe they are aware at some deep level (which is why the sane S sometimes makes an appearance), but they are masters of repression and running...idk, I wonder if he caught himself moving back towards you and freaked out so the alien took over again...my W did this a few times, so part of me is kinda waiting for it to happen again, but not too much... wink

Their wants/needs must always be met, ours...well...we can wait, since we caused all their unhappiness all those years, right? (sarcasm, sarcasm...) laugh

T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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hrm,
Welcome to MLC! Of course he's going to run to "mom" when he needs money for his tires! He's not going to spend his precious $$$ on such things. I'm not surprised that he hasn't offered you $$$.

Yes, they are insane and there is definitely a method to their madness and you will learn how to read the signs as you move along. He's got a ways to go before he even begins facing his issues. He's just getting started in replay!

Keep your sense of humor!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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T~ Master of repressing and running indeed! Oh if they gave a prize for that surely he would win!

Snodderly~ Great.... 8 months and just started in replay?? again...GREAT..... Well I suppose on the up side there aren't many holidays or special occasions he hasn't already ruined. lol Of course our 10 year anniversary is in September so that will svck....

Last night when I got home I saw him look over at me when I walked in, I just looked straight ahead and kept going, I'm trying really really hard to detach. I went to "my" room and shut both the doors. A few minutes later I hear a knock on the door. I tell him to come in, he asks about how I made out with my car. Really?? I told him I took care of it, I have an appointment. He asked when (that was surprising), I told him not until the 3rd for the alignment, but I can get tires any time so I told the guy I would get the tires tomorrow morning so I won't be so late to work. H said ok, he just wanted to know because if it was going to be awhile he was going to take those tires off the front and put them on the back. I told him not worry about it, like I said, I took care of it. He looked like hell last night too, btw. Now this morning he is clean shaven and for some reason just came back into the house..... wait... wait... what's that smell?? *sniff* *sniff* Oh hello, teenager, it's Tag body spray.... he hasn't worn that in awhile.... Oh the joys of seeing which personality will appear! Wow that stuff really stinks! Good thing a few months ago when I was really really upset I took the cans outside and sprayed out half of them! LOL

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hrm,
You'll begin to notice the different personalities that are hiding within your h as time moves along, i.e., the way he dresses, the cologne, deodorant, etc. I think you've been seeing at least a couple of them already.

Eight months of replay is nothing...your h hasn't been too bad thus far with purchasing a lot of expensive toys. He may be one of those that won't, but time will tell.

At least he asked about the tires...still no offer to take the car in for you or to assist in paying for them. That's too far beyond his thought processes! LOL! I'm glad you are getting that taken care of today.

Hang in there!


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hrm, he may not just be getting into replay after 8 months. As snod states, 8 months of replay (so far) is nothing. Some of the replay may not have been noticeable. That's not to say there is any way to really know where he is at and MLC isn't necessarily linear, either.

My W's behaviour of which could be replay, has been ongoing for about two years now. It could have been going on a little longer and I thought it might be coming to an end, and then I found out that she's going to an outdoor, weekend concert and realized she's still "in it".

It's not to say that it's anything about an outdoor concert. There's a lot of people who are her age that attend outdoor concerts. Even this "style" of event.

It is the actions / activities that I KNOW she will be engaging in that suggest replay (teenager / young adult behaviours). And again, not the specific behaviours, either. Some people simply drink like a fish every weekend. Some people like dressing up silly. Some people engage in bizarre games for fun.

It's the combination of the intention and drive to drink a lot, dress up, and engage in activities that pull attention to themselves and otherwise allow them to be the centre of attention. Even if they do it in a more covert, passive way, of rationalizing they are supporting others who may be their age, in this type of behaviour. They will get the peer pressure attention that many adolescents get. Maybe there is some need to resolve how to deal with peer pressure in a healthy, mature way... idk... that doesn't really matter, though...

Anyhow, replay is considered a longer process in MLC and can take a long time and may show up throughout the MLC as they may revert if they get stuck in their process.

Sometimes, they may actually need to be nudged a bit if they are stuck so it might be worth encouraging your H into replay behaviours some time down the road, if he appears stuck. He might just need to get it all out of his system until he's either sick of the behaviour or even a bit embarrassed once he realizes how it may be inappropriate for him.

Tell a child they can't do something and then they want to do it. If you encourage the bad behaviour, he may actually not do it.

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Average time for an MLC is 3-7 years.

Minimum time for REPLAY is 2 years.

Anything less is dreaming.

Note above times are average.
Could be longer.


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And to add to what Cadet has posted...it will take as long as it takes for each and every mlcers until all of the issues have been faced and resolved.

Some may take a long time and others less time...it all depends upon the mlcer and their childhood issues.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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